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 Test Bank for Labor Relations Process 11th Edition Holley Ross
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CHAPTER 2 The History of Labor Management Relationships

TRUEFALSE

1. The Haymarket Riot, Homestead Incident, and the Pullman Strike eliminated Samuel Gompers' leadership
effectiveness in the AFL.

(A) True

(B) False

Answer : (B)

2. The "one big union" approach to union membership was not believed by the Congress of Industrial
Organizations (CIO).

(A) True

(B) False

Answer : (A)

3. The emphasis on advancing employees' short-term economic and job security interests have remained the
focus of organized labor since World War II.
(A) True

(B) False

Answer : (A)

4. The leadership of the Knights of Labor was more interested in seeking higher wage increases for employees
than in seeking moral betterment for employees and society.

(A) True

(B) False

Answer : (B)

5. The Change to Win federation planned on focusing more on working through mainly the Democratic Party
instead of direct political action by the member unions.

(A) True

(B) False

Answer : (B)

6. Events such as the Haymarket Riot, the Homestead Incident, and the Pullman Strike helped organized labor.

(A) True

(B) False

Answer : (B)

7. The National Labor Relations Board (NLRB), was created to strengthen the power of employers to prevent the
formation of unions.

(A) True

(B) False

Answer : (B)

8. The sit-down strike helped the CIO to obtain union membership in the 1930s, and it was soon approved by the
Supreme Court.

(A) True

(B) False
Answer : (B)

9. Member unions of the Change to Win federation are encouraged to devote 50 percent of their annual
operating budget toward union organizing activities, compared to a goal of 30 percent for AFL-CIO affiliated
unions.

(A) True

(B) False

Answer : (A)

10. The Homestead Incident, unlike the Ludlow Massacre, showed the public that union and
management officials could resolve their differences in a non-violent fashion. (A) True

(B) False

Answer : (B)

11. The merger of the AFL and CIO in 1955 has minimized raiding between the two organizations, but has not
resulted in an increase in union membership or political influence.

(A) True

(B) False

Answer : (A)

12. One of the reasons for the decline of the Industrial Workers of the World (IWW), was its alienation of the
news media and government officials.

(A) True

(B) False

Answer : (B)

13. The trend toward multi-year labor agreements after World War II put pressure on union leaders to safeguard
wage increases against the possibility of increases in the inflation rate. (A) True

(B) False

Answer : (A)

14. Samuel Gompers' efforts paid off in spectacular growth in membership in the American Federation of Labor
(AFL).
(A) True

(B) False

Answer : (B)

15. Two major bargaining issues since World War II have been adjustments to technological change and
safeguards against inflation.

(A) True

(B) False

Answer : (A)

16. Employers actively opposed unions after World War I by supporting the open-shop movement.

(A) True

(B) False

Answer : (A)

17. Unions received favorable public opinion after World War II because of their strict adherence to the "no
strike pledge" during the war and the rather modest wage requests after the war. (A) True

(B) False

Answer : (B)

18. The AFL under Gompers' leadership believed the existing social system should be dramatically changed by
any means possible, including revolutionary methods if necessary. (A) True

(B) False

Answer : (B)

19. The Great Depression of the 1930s convinced many employees that hard work and loyalty (not unions)
insured continued employment and other good working conditions. (A) True

(B) False

Answer : (B)

20. The "criminal conspiracy" doctrine involved employees' rights to organize unions as well as the effect of
strong employee dissatisfaction leading to the closing of factories. (A) True
(B) False

Answer : (A)

21. The "civil conspiracy" doctrine held that a group involved in concerted activities was unlawful if harm was
inflicted on customers or other employees.

(A) True

(B) False

Answer : (A)

22. The yellow-dog contract guaranteed that employees would neither join a union nor assist in organizing one.

(A) True

(B) False

Answer : (A)

23. Samuel Gompers, AFL president, proclaimed the Clayton Act to be the Magna Charta of U.S. labor; however,
the Clayton Act hurt union growth more than it helped.

(A) True

(B) False

Answer : (A)

24. The Byrnes Act of 1936 allowed employers to transport strikebreakers for the purpose of using force or
threats against union organizers.

(A) True

(B) False

Answer : (B)

25. Opposition to the war and the Soviet revolution in Russia in 1917 led to what was called the Red Scare: A
general concern that a communist revolution would happen in the United States.

(A) True

(B) False
Answer : (B)

MULTICHOICE

26. The strength or likely continued success of any labor organization can be assessed by focusing on four criteria
except:

(A) A labor organization's structural and financial stability.

(B) A shift in economic conditions.

(C) Its ability to work within the established political and economic system, particularly the wage
system.

(D) The degree to which the broader social environment, such as laws, media, and public opinion, is
supportive or opposed to a labor organization's goals and tactics.

(E) Was passed over organized labor's strong opposition.

Answer : (B)

27. The Homestead Incident:

(A) Received more favorable media attention than the Haymarket Riot.

(B) Involved unilateral wage reductions at a Carnegie owned steel mill.

(C) Showed that AFL could offer some financial support to one of its member unions.

(D) Resulted in a drop in the membership of the national union.

(E) Represented a victory for employees.

Answer : (D)

28. John L. Lewis was:

(A) The first president of the CIO.

(B) A U.S. senator known for the "Lewis Bill of Employee Rights."

(C) The first president of the AFL.

(D) The first labor-backed president of the United States.

(E) The founder of IWW.

Answer : (A)

29. The first signs of employee organizations in the United States occurred among:

(A) Railroad workers.

(B) Skilled craftspeople such as shoemakers.

(C) Unskilled general laborers.

(D) Public employees.

(E) Steelworkers.

Answer : (B)

30. One of Samuel Gompers' ideas which still conveys the political philosophy of organized labor today is:

(A) To establish a third independent political party that could best represent labor's interests and attempted to
change the existing capitalist system.

(B) To decrease alliances with political parties.

(C) The dictum of "reward your friends, punish your enemies."

(D) To change the existing capitalist system.

(E) To support the Republican party.

Answer : (C)

31. A labor injunction:

(A) Clarified the ability of union leaders to identify and satisfy members' goals and interests.

(B) Was a more reliable means of allowing employee concerted activities.

(C) Imposed restrictions on who could serve on juries.

(D) Is the same as a yellow-dog contract.

(E) Is a court order prohibiting certain activities in conjunction with a labor dispute.

Answer : (E)

32. The Civil War encouraged the growth of unions as it:

(A) Refined and encouraged mass production techniques.

(B) Encouraged the idea of focusing on skilled workers under a single factory roof.
(C) Promoted the creation of the IWW.

(D) Created conditions to discourage the organization of labor.

(E) Created better employer-employee relationships.

Answer : (A)

33. The CIO split from the AFL because of the CIO's emphasis on:

(A) Employee Representation Plans.

(B) having Gompers "lead CIO unions into greatness."

(C) organizing craft workers.

(D) Republican party politics.

(E) organizing employees in mass-production industries.

Answer : (E)

34. The Pullman Strike:

(A) Reflected the importance of international forces in labor disputes.

(B) Increased the membership and strengthened the power of the ARU.

(C) Showed that rival unions such as the AFL and the ARU can pull together on significant labor disputes.

(D) Illustrated that a small union like the ARU can overcome a large employer if members rally to a common
cause.

(E) Increased the membership and strengthened the power of the ARU.

Answer : (B)

35. The Congress of Industrial Organization's tremendous success in organizing employees after its formation in
1935 was due in part to:

(A) The AFL's preference to actively grow the labor movement.

(B) The AFL's preference to enroll semiskilled production employees.

(C) The AFL's acceptance of the concept of industrial unionism.

(D) The CIO's ability to organize workers in mass production industries.

(E) The Red Scare.

Answer : (D)

36. Employee Representation Plans (ERPs) were:

(A) Employer-originated alternative unionism.

(B) Affiliated with the Knights of Labor.

(C) The earliest forms of employee health insurance.

(D) Affiliated with the American Federation of Labor.

(E) Fronts for radical labor ideologies.

Answer : (A)

37. The Haymarket Riot:

(A) Was over agricultural subsidies with were not given as promised.

(B) Led to the downfall of the Industrial Workers of the World (IWW).

(C) Represented a protest for the eight-hour day.

(D) Represented a physical clash between tow labor organizations the AFL and the CIO.

(E) Increased the effectiveness of the KOL.

Answer : (C)

38. A substitute provided by employers in their effort to counteract unionism is:

(A) The rejection of the open-shop movement.

(B) The elimination of the scrip as currency.

(C) To employ semiskilled workers.

(D) The passage of the Sherman Anti-Trust Act.

(E) The formation of Employee Representation Plans.

Answer : (E)

39. The AFL represented:

(A) One big union that eliminated the identity of unions joining the AFL.

(B) A Knights of Labor committee that handled the strategic planning duties.
(C) A group that supported the basic philosophy of the IWW.

(D) A federation or service organization that unions could join and still retain their separate identities and
collective bargaining concerns.

(E) A Knights of Labor committee that handled the strategic planning duties and a group that supported the basic
philosophy of the IWW.

Answer : (D)

40. The "Open Shop" and "Mohawk Valley Formula" were techniques used by:

(A) The Knights of Labor and the IWW to obtain more members.

(B) The CIO of obtain more members.

(C) The AFL and CIO to merge organizations in 1955.

(D) Employers to minimize the existence of unions and union members at their facilities.

(E) The Knights of Labor, the IWW, and the CIO to obtain more members.

Answer : (C)

41. "Pure and Simple Unionism," approach was most identified with the:

(A) Unions seeking to change the existing capitalist system.

(B) American Railway Union.

(C) Industrial Workers of the World.

(D) American Federation of Labor.

(E) Knights of Labor.

Answer : (D)

42. The Knights of Labor (KOL) differed from the Industrial Workers of the World (IWW) in that the KOL:

(A) Assumed employees and employers had similar interests.

(B) Allowed most employees to join their organization without much regard to occupation.

(C) Spoke out against the effects on the employee of the existing manufacturing system.

(D) Wanted to change the existing wage and profit system.

(E) All of these are differences between the KOL and the IWW.
Answer : (A)

43. Powderly felt employees who joined the KOL:

(A) Needed to loosen up a bit and have a good time at union functions such as picnics and needed to be
educated on major problems which they were previously unable to understand.

(B) Needed to be educated on major problems with they were previously unable to understand.

(C) Needed to loosen up a bit and have a good time at union functions such as picnics.

(D) Knew what was best for them.

(E) Did not care for unions.

Answer : (B)

44. "Big Bill Haywood," an initial organizer of the IWW:

(A) Founded the KOL.

(B) Was largely responsible for turning the IWW into a highly effective organization.

(C) Defended the capitalistic system until he was assassinated by left wing radicals.

(D) Agreed with Gompers that overthrow of the existing capitalistic system by any means possible was the sole
goal of labor unions.

(E) Promoted anti-capitalism ideas.

Answer : (E)

45. The Local Assembly, the basic unit in the Knights of Labor:

(A) Could veto any matter raised by the Executive Board.

(B) Could veto any matter raised by the Executive Board and provided the major source of members.

(C) Provided the major source of members.

(D) Was often involved in a key KOL activity - the strike.

(E) Counted on financial support from the KOL during strike actions.

Answer : (C)

46. The American Railway Union's leader who was sentenced to federal prison for failing to abide by a court's
labor injunction, and later advocated the election of a government that would be responsive to the working class,
based on his beliefs in Socialism was:
(A) Samuel Gompers.

(B) George Pullman.

(C) Terence V. Powderly.

(D) William "Big Bill' Haywood.

(E) Eugene Debs.

Answer : (A)

47. The laws which outlawed the promotion or use of organized violence, sabotage, or terrorism in order to
accomplish industrial aims or social revolution are called:

(A) Red Scare Laws.

(B) Antitrust laws.

(C) Scrip laws.

(D) Criminal Syndicalism laws.

(E) Common laws.

Answer : (D)

48. An employer anti-union weapon was paying employees with company-created currency. This currency was
called:

(A) Scrip.

(B) Pesos.

(C) Dollars.

(D) Bucks.

(E) Bitcoin.

Answer : (A)

49. The law which prohibited the interstate transportation of strikebreakers for the purpose of using force or
threats against union organizers, negotiators, or peaceful picketers is called:

(A) Red Scare Laws.

(B) Antitrust laws.

(C) Byrnes Act.

(D) Criminal Syndicalism laws.

(E) Common laws.

Answer : (C)

50. In spite of the fact that employers could legally fire employees for virtually any reason under the Employment-
At-Will doctrine (EAW), employees were required to sign an agreement stating they would not join or assist in
organizing a union. This agreement was called:

(A) A yellow dog contract.

(B) A Loyalty contract.

(C) An anti-conspiracy contract.

(D) A Blue Law contract.

(E) A concession bargaining contract.

Answer : (A)
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 IN THE PARK

T
O the general public I may say that I violate no confidence in
saying that spring is the most joyful season of the year. But
June is also a good month. Well has the poet ejaculated, "And
what is so rare as a day in June?" though I have seen days in March
that were so rare that they were almost raw. This is not a weather
report; however. I started out to state that Central Park just now is
looking its very best, and opens up with the prospects of doing a
good business this season. A ride through the Park just now is a
delight to one who loves to commune with nature, especially human
nature.
The nobility of New York now turns out to get the glorious air and
ventilate its crest. I saw several hundred crests and coats-of-arms
the other day in an hour's time, and it was rather a poor day, too,
for a great many of our best people are just changing from their
spring to their light, summer coats-of-arms.
One of the best crests I saw was a nice, large, red crest, about
the size of an adult rhubarb pie, with a two-year-old Durham unicorn
above it, bearing in his talons the unique maxim, "Sans culottes,
sans snockemonthegob, sans ery sipelas est."
And how true this is, too, in a great many cases.
Another very handsome crest on the carriage of the van
Studentickels consisted of a towel-rack penchant, with cockroach
regardant, holding in his beak a large red tape-worm on which was
inscribed: "Spirituous frumenti, cum homo to-morrow."
Many of the crests contained terse Latin mottoes, taken from the
inscriptions on peppermint conversation candies, and were quite
cute. A coat-of-arms, consisting of a small Limburger cheese
couchant, above which stood a large can of chloride of potash, on
which was inscribed the words, "Miss, may I see you home?" I
thought very taking and just mysterious enough to make it exciting.
Some day I am going to get myself a crest. I am only waiting for
something to put it on. It will consist of a monkey with his eye
knocked out and a bright green parrot with his tail pulled off, and
over this the simple remark: "We have had a high old time," or
words to that effect.
Not so many equestrians were out as usual on the day I visited
the park, but those who were out afforded the observer a beautiful
view of the park between their persons and the saddle. The
equestriennes were more numerous, and one or two especially were
as beautiful as anything that nature ever turned out. One young
woman, in a neat-fitting plug hat, looked to me like a peri. It has
been a good while now since I saw a peri, but I have always heard
them very highly spoken of, and I hope she will not be offended
when she reads these lines and finds that I regard her in that light.
Carriage-horses are dressing about as they did last season, except
that pon-pon tails are more worn, especially at the end. Neck-yokes
are cut low this year so as to show the shoulders of the wearer, and
horses in mourning wear their tails at half-mast.
The porous plastron is not in favor this year, but many horses who
interfere are wearing life-preservers over the fetlock, and sometimes
a small chest-protector of russet leather over the joint, according to
the taste of the wearer.
Polka-dot or half-mourning dogs are much affected by people who
are beginning to get the upper hand of their grief. Much taste is
shown in the selection of dogs for the coming season, and many
owners chain their coachman to the dog, so that if any one were to
come and try to abduct the dog the coachman could bite him and
drive him away. A good coachman to take care of a watch-dog is
almost invaluable.
A custom of taking the butler along in the seat with the coachman
is growing in favor for two reasons: First, it shows that you have a
butler, and, second, you know that while he is out with you he is not
putting paste in the place of your diamonds at home. So I had
almost said that it paste to do this.
The automatic or jointless footman is still popular, and a young
man who has a good turning-lathe leg and an air of impenetrable
gloom can get a job most any time.
Many New York gentlemen who are fond of driving take their
grooms out to Central Park every afternoon for an airing. This is a
wise provision, for those who have associated much with grooms will
agree with me that a little airing now and then is just what they
need.
There ought to be a book of park etiquette printed soon, however,
for the guidance of its patrons. In the first place, it should be
considered.
Autre for a gentleman to hire a coupe by the hour in order to
recover from alcoholic prostration, and then sleep up and down the
drive with his feet out the window. It is not respectful, and besides
that the blood is liable to all rush to his head.
Drunken cab-drivers, too, should not be permitted to drive in the
park, for only a little while ago one of them is said to have fallen
from his high perch and injured his crest.
A park policeman should be specially detailed as a breath tester to
stand at each entrance and smell the breath of all drivers and other
patrons of the park. Let us enforce the law.
But the most curious feature about the exhibition afternoon spin in
the Park is the great prevalence of mourning symbols. Almost, if not
quite, one-third of the carriages one meets is decorated with black in
every possible way, till sometimes it looks like a runaway funeral
procession.
Why people should come to Central Park to advertise their woe by
means of long black mourning tassels at their horses' heads and a
draped driver with broad bands of bombazine concealing the russet
tops of his boots, sometimes dressed in black throughout, is more
than I can understand.
 The honest, earnest and genuine affection of a good woman for a
worthy man, alive or dead, is too sacred to treat lightly and the love
that survives the wreck and ruin of gathering years has inspired
more than one man to deeds of daring whereby he has won
everlasting renown, but the woe that is divided up among the
servants and shared in by the horses is not in good taste, it is not in
good order and there are flies on it.
It is like saying to the world come and see how I suffer. It is
parading your sore toe in Central Park, where people with sore toes
are not supposed to congregate. It is like a widow wailing her woe
through the "Want" column of a healthy morning paper. It is, in
effect, saying to Christendom, come and hear me snort and see me
paw up the ground in my paroxysms of wild and uncontrollable
anguish. My grief is of such a penetrating nature and of that
searching variety that it has broken out at the barn, and even the
horses that I bought two weeks after the funeral, with a part of the
life insurance money, have gone into mourning, and the coachman
who got here day before yesterday from Liverpool has tied himself
up in black bombazine and takes special delight in advertising our
sorrow.
I do not believe that it will always be popular to wear mourning
for our friends unless we feel a little doubtful about where they
went.
Black is offensive to the eye, offensive to the nose, and it makes
your flesh crêpe to touch it. Will the proofreader please deal gently
with the above joke and I will do as much for him sometime.
Henry Ward Beecher had the right idea of the way to treat death,
and when at last it came his turn to die his home and his church
both seemed to say: "The great preacher is gone, but there is
nothing about the change that is sad."
There is something the matter with grief that works itself up into
black rosettes and long black banners that sweep the ground and
shut out the sky and look like despair and feel like the season-
cracked back of a warty dragon.
 But wealth has its little eccentricities and we must bear with them.
But he alone is indeed rich who is content and who does not look
under the bed every night for an indictment. Look at poor old Mr.
Sharp, with his stock of Aldermen depreciating on his hands—men
for whom he paid a big price only a few years ago and who would
not attract attention now on a ten-cent counter, while he don't feel
very well himself.
No, I would not swap places with J. Sharp and ride through
Central Park behind a pair of rip, snorting horses, with mourning
rosettes on their heads, and feel that I must hurry back to help
select an unprejudiced jury. I would rather hang on to the brow of a
Broadway car till I got to Fifty-second street, and then stroll over to
the menagerie and feed red pepper to the Sacred Cow and have a
good, plain, quiet time than to wear fine clothes and be wealthy and
hate myself all the time. I believe that I am happier in my
untroubled, dreamless sleep on my quiet couch, which draws a
salary during the daytime as an upright piano; happier browsing
about at a different restaurant each day, so that the waiters will not
get well acquainted with me and expect me to give them the money
that I am saving up to go to Europe with; happier, I say, to be thus
tossed about on the bosom of the great, heaving human tide than to
have forty or fifty millions of dollars concealed about my person that
I cannot remember how I obtained.
I dislike notoriety, and nothing irritates me more than the coarse
curiosity of people who ride at night in the elevated trains and peer
idly into my room as I toil over my sewing or go gayly about
humming a simple air as I prepare the evening meal over my cute
little portable oil stove, and though I have not courted this interest
on the part of the people, and though I would prefer to live less in
the eye of the public, I feel that, occupying the position I do, I
cannot expect to wholly consult my own wishes in the matter, and I
am content to live quietly and enjoy good health rather than wear
good clothes and feel rocky all the time.
I would rather have a healthy alimentary
Than he garnished all over with passementerie.
 LIBERTY ENLIGHTENING THE
WORLD.

W
HEN Patrick Henry put his old cast-iron spectacles on the
top of his head and whooped for liberty, he did not know
that some day we would have more of it than we knew
what to do with. He little dreamed that the time would come when
we would have more liberty than we could pay for. When Mr. Henry
sawed the air and shouted for liberty or death, I do not believe that
he knew the time would one day come when Liberty would stand
knee deep in the mud of Bedloe's Island and yearn for a solid place
to stand upon.
It seems to me that we have too much liberty in this country in
some ways. We have more liberty than we have money. We
guarantee that every man in America shall fill himself up full of
liberty at our expense, and the less of an American he is the more
liberty he can have. If he desires to enjoy himself, all he needs is a
slight foreign accent and a willingness to mix up with politics as soon
as he can get his baggage off the steamer. The more I study
American institutions the more I regret that I was not born a
foreigner, so that I could have something to say about the
management of our great land. If I could not be a foreigner, I
believe I would prefer to be a Mormon or an Indian not taxed.
I am often led to ask, in the language of the poet, "Is the
Caucasian played out?" Most everybody can have a good deal of fun
in this country except the American. He seems to be so busy paying
his taxes all the time that he has very little time to mingle in the
giddy whirl with the alien. That is the reason that the alien who rides
across the United States on the "Limited Mail" and writes a book
about us before breakfast wonders why we are always in a hurry.
That is the reason we have to throw our meals into ourselves with a
dull thud, and hardly have time to maintain a warm personal
friendship with our families.
We do not care much for wealth, but we must have freedom, and
freedom costs money. We have advertised to furnish a bunch of
freedom to every man, woman or child who comes to our shores,
and we are going to deliver the good whether we have any left for
ourselves or not.
What would the great world beyond the seas say to us if some
day the blue-eyed Mormon, with his heart full of love for our female
seminaries and our old women's homes, should land upon our coasts
and find that we were using all the liberty ourselves? What do we
want of liberty anyhow? What could we do with it if we had it? It
takes a man of leisure to enjoy liberty, and we have no leisure
whatever. It is a good thing to keep in the house "for the use of
guests only," but we don't need it for ourselves.
Therefore, I am in favor of a statue of Liberty Enlightening the
World, because it will show that we keep it on tap winter and
summer. We want the whole broad world to remember that when it
gets tired of oppression it can come here to America and oppress us.
We are used to it, and we rather like it. If we don't like it, we can
get on the steamer and go abroad, where we may visit the effete
monarchies and have a high old time.
The sight of the Goddess of Liberty standing there in New York
harbor night and day, bathing her feet in the rippling sea, will be a
good thing. It will be first-rate. It may also be productive of good in
a direction that many have not thought of. As she stands there day
after day, bathing her feet in the broad Atlantic, perhaps some
moss-grown Mormon moving toward the Far West, a confirmed
victim of the matrimonial habit, may fix the bright picture in his so-
called mind, and remembering how, on his arrival in New York, he
saw Liberty bathing her feet with impunity, he may be led in after
years to try it on himself.
 HE SEES THE CAPITAL

W
HEN I got off the Pennsylvania train yesterday I went to a
barber shop before I did anything else. I have a thick,
Venetian red, chinchilla beard, which grows rapidly, and
which gives me a fuzzy appearance every twenty-four hours, unless
I place myself frequently into the hands of a barber. At first I used to
shave myself, but I cut myself to pieces in such a sickening manner,
without seeming to impede the growth of the rich and foxy beard,
that until last summer I gave up being my own barber. At that time I
was presented with a safety razor which the manufacturer said
would not cut my face, because it was impossible for it to cut
anything except the beard. The safety razor resembles in
appearance several other toilet articles, such as the spoke shave, the
road scraper, the can opener, the lawn mower and the turbine water
wheel, but it does not look like a razor. It also looks like a carpet
sweeper some, and reminds me of a monkey wrench. It is said that
you can shave yourself on a train if you will use this instrument. I
tried it once last winter while going west. In fact, I took the trip
largely to see if one could shave on board the train safely with this
razor. I had no special trouble. At least I did not cut off any features
that I cared anything about, but I was disappointed in the results,
and also in the length of time consumed in cleaning the razor after I
got through. I was shaving myself only from Forty-second street to
Albany, but it took me from Albany to Omaha to pull the razor apart,
and to dig out the coagulated lather and the dear, dear whiskers. I
now employ a valet whose name is Patria McGloria. He irons my
trousers, shaves and dresses me, and mows the lawn. When I come
to Washington, I am too democratic to travel with a valet, fearing
that it might cost me several thousand votes some day, and so I
leave my maid at home to wash and dress the salad. In that way he
does not miss me, and I get the credit at Washington of being a
man who spends so much time thinking of his country's welfare that
he doesn't have a chance to look pretty.
I did not fall into a very gaudy barber shop. The appointments
were like some of the president's appointments, I thought—viz., in
poor taste, but this is not a political letter. I do not wish to
antagonize anybody, especially the president of the United States.
He has always treated me well.
I will now return to the barber shop. It was a plain structure, with
beautiful sarsaparilla pictures here and there on the walls and a faint
odor of rancid pomatum and overworked hair restoratives.
There were three chairs richly upholstered in two-ply carpeting of
some inflammatory hue, with large vines and the kind of flowers
which grow on carpets but nowhere else. I have seen blossoms
woven into ingrain carpets, varying in color from a dead black to the
color of a hepatized lung, but I have never seen one that reminded
me of anything I ever saw in nature. The chair I sat in also had
springs in it. They were made of selections from the Washington
monument.
The barber who waited on me asked me if I wanted a shave. A
great many barbers ask me this during the year. Sometimes they do
it from habit, and sometimes they do it to brighten up my life and
bring a smile to my wan cheek. As I have no hair, the thinking mind
naturally and by a direct course of reasoning arrives at the
conclusion that when I go into a barber shop and climb into a chair,
I do so for the purpose of getting shaved and not with the idea of
having my fortune told or my deposition taken. Still barbers continue
to ask me this question and look at each other with ill concealed
mirth.
I said yes, I would like a shave unless he preferred to take my
temperature, or amuse me by making a death mask of himself. He
then began to strap a large razor with a double shuffle movement
and to size me up at the same time.
He was a colored man, but he had lived in Washington a long time
and knew a great deal more than he would if his lot had fallen
elsewhere. He spoke with some feeling and fed me with about the
most unpalatable lather I think I ever participated in. He also did an
odd thing when he went for the second time over my face. I never
have noticed the custom outside of that shop. Most barbers, in
making the second trip over a customer's face, moisten one side at a
time with a sponge or the damp hand as they go along, but in this
case a large quantity of lather was put in my ear and, as he needed
it, he took out what he required from time to time, using his finger
like a paint brush and spreading on the lather as he went along. So
accurately had he learned to measure the quantity of lather which
an ear will hold that when he got through with me and I went away
there was not over a tablespoonfnl in either ear and possibly not
that much.
While I sat in the chair I heard a man, who seemed to be in about
the third chair from me, saying that a certain bill numbered so-and-
so had been referred to a certain committee and would undoubtedly
by reported favorably. If so, it would in its regular order come up for
discussion and reach a vote so-and-so. I was charmed with the
man's knowledge of the condition of affairs in both houses and the
exact status of all threatened legislation, because I always have to
stop and think a good while before I can tell whether a bill originates
on the floor of the house or in the rotunda.
I could not see this man, but I judged that he was a senator or
sergeant-at-arms. He talked for some time about the condition of
national affairs, and finally some one said something about
evolution. I was perfectly wrapped up in what he was saying and
remember distinctly how he referred to Herbert Spencer's definition
of evolution as a change from indefinite, coherent heterogeneity
through continuous differentiations and integrations.
When I arose from my chair and looked over that way I saw that
the gentleman who had been talking on the condition of
congressional legislation was a colored hotel porter of Washington,
who was getting shaved in the third chair, and the man who was
discussing the merits of evolution was the colored man who was
shaving him.
 Here in Washington the colored man has the air of one who is
holding up one corner of the great national structure. Whether he is
opening your soft boiled eggs for you in the morning, or putting bay
rum on your nose, or checking your umbrella or brushing you with a
wilted whisk broom, his thoughts are mostly upon national affairs.
He is naturally an imitator wherever he goes, and this old resident of
Washington has watched and studied the air and language of
eminent statesmen so carefully that when he goes forth in the
morning with his whitewashing portfolio on his arm he walks
unconsciously like Senator Evarts or John James Ingalls. I saw a
colored man taking a perpendicular lunch at the depot yesterday,
and evidently the veteran Georgia senator is his model, for he cut his
custard pie into large rectangular hunks and pushed it back behind
his glottis with a caseknife, after which he drew in a saucerful of tea,
with a loud and violent ways-and-means committee report which
reminded me of the noise made by an unwearied cyclone trying to
suck a cistern dry. I think that the colored man exaggerated the
imitation somewhat, but he was evidently trying to assume the table
manners of Senator Brown of Georgia.
For this reason, if for no other, members of the cabinet, senators,
representatives, judges and heads of departments cannot be too
careful in their daily walk and conversation. Unconsciously they are
molding the customs, the manners, and the styles of dress which are
to become the customs, the manners, and the dress of a whole race.
If I could to-day take our statesmen all apart, not so much for the
purpose of examining their works, but so that we could be alone and
talk this matter over by ourselves, I would strive in my poor, weak,
faltering way to impress upon them the awful responsibility which
rests upon them not only as polite and fluent conversationalists,
classical and courteous debators. speaking pieces for the benefit of
future conventions, of referring to each other as liars, traitors,
thieves, deserters, bummers, beats, and great moral abscesses on
the body politic; rehearsing campaign speeches in congress at an
expense of $20 per day each, and meantime obstructing wholesome
tariff legislation, but as the conservators of etiquette, statesmanship,
and morality for a race of people the great responsibility for whose
welfare still rests upon us as a nation.
Only the day before yesterday I saw a thin, wiry, and colored
gentleman pawing around in an ash barrel for something, and I
waited to see what he was after. He resurrected a sad and dejected
plug hat, and, though it was not half so good as the one he wore, he
seemed much pleased with it and put it on. I ventured to ask him
why he had done so without improving his appearance, and he said
that for a long time he had been looking for a hat which would
highten the resemblance which people had often noticed and
remarked in days gone by, both in person, sah, and general carriage,
walk, and conversation, sah, also in the matter of clear cut and
logical life sentences, as existing between himself, sah, and Senator
Evarts, sah. He believed that he had struck it, sah.
As spring warms up the air about Washington the heating
apparatus of the capitol building begins to relax its interest, and now
you can visit most any part of the stately pile without being
scrambled in your own embonpoint. Last winter I heard Senator Frye
of Maine make his great tariff speech, and although there was
nothing, about the speech itself which seemed to evolve much
exercise or industry—for it was the same speech in every essential
quality that I have heard every November since I began to take an
interest in politics—the perspiration ran down his face in small
washouts and sweatlets and fell in the arena with a mellow plunk.
I believe this unnatural heat to be the cause of much ill health
among our law-makers, and I freely admit that the unhealthy
surroundings of Washington and the great contrast between the hot
air of the capitol and the cold air outside have done a great deal
towards keeping me out of the senate. The night air of Washington
is also filled with malaria and is much worse than any night air I
have ever used before.
 HE SEES THE NAVY

I
T HAS become such a general practice to speak disrespectfully
of the United States Navy that a few days ago I decided to visit
the Brooklyn Navy Yard for the purpose of ascertaining, if
possible, how much cause there might be for this light and airy
manner of treating the navy, and, if necessary, to take immediate
steps towards purifying the system.
I found that the matter had been grossly misrepresented, and that
our navy, so far as I was able to discover, is self-sustaining. It has
been thoroughly refitted and refurnished throughout, and is as
pleasant a navy as one would see in a day's journey.
I had the pleasure of boarding the man-of-war Richmond under a
flag of truce and the Atlantic under a suspension of the rules. I
remained some time on board each of these war ships, and any man
who speaks lightly of the United States Navy in my presence
hereafter will receive a stinging rebuke.
The Brooklyn Navy Yard was inaugurated by the purchase of forty
acres of ground in 1801. It has a pleasant water-front, which is at all
times dotted here and there with new war vessels undergoing
repairs. Since the original purchase others have been made and the
land side of the yard inclosed by means of a large brick wall, so that
in case there should be a local disturbance in Brooklyn the rioters
could not break through and bite the navy. In this way a man on
board the Atlanta while at anchor in Brooklyn is just as safe as he
would be at home.
In order to enter and explore the Navy Yard it is necessary that
one should have a pass. This is a safeguard, wisely adopted by the
Commandant, in order to keep out strangers who might get in under
the pretext of wishing to view the yard and afterwards attack one of
the new vessels.
 On the day I visited the Navy Yard just ahead of me a plain but
dignified person in citizen's dress passed through the gate. He had
the bearing of an officer, I thought, and kept his eye on some object
about nine and one-fourth miles ahead as he walked past the guard.
He was told to halt, but, of course, he did not do so.
He was above it. Then the guard overhauled him, and even felt in
his pockets for his pass, as I supposed. Concealed on his person the
guard found four pint bottles filled with the essence of crime. They
poured the poor man's rum on the grass and then fired him out,
accompanied by a rebuke which will make him more deliberate
about sitting down for a week or two.
The feeling against arduous spirits in the United States Navy is
certainly on the increase, and the day is not far distant when alcohol
in a free state will only be used in the arts, sciences, music,
literature and the drama.
The Richmond is a large but buoyant vessel painted black. It has a
front stairway hanging over the balcony, and the latch-string to the
front door was hanging cheerily out as we drew alongside. During an
engagement, however, on the approach of the enemy, the front
stairs are pulled up and the latch-string is pulled in, while the
commanding officer makes the statement, "April Fool" through a
speaking-trumpet to the chagrined and infuriated foe.
The Richmond is a veteran of the late war, a war which no one
ever regretted more than I did; not so much because of the
bloodshed and desolation it caused at the time, but on account of
the rude remarks since made to those who did not believe in the war
and whose feelings have been repeatedly hurt by reference to it
since the war closed.
The guns of the Richmond are muzzle-loaders, i.e., the load or
charge of ammunition is put into the other or outer end of the gun
instead of the inner extremity or base of the gun, as is the case with
the breech-loader. The breech-loader is a great improvement on the
old style gun, making warfare a constant source of delirious joy now,
whereas in former times in case of a naval combat during a severe
storm, the man who went outside the ship to load the gun, while it
was raining, frequently contracted pneumonia.
Modern guns are made with breeches, which may be easily
removed during a fight and replaced when visitors come on board. A
sort of grim humor pervades the above remark.
The Richmond is about to sail away to China. I do not know why
she is going to China but presume she does not care to be here
during the amenities, antipathies and aspersions of a Presidential
campaign. A man-of-war would rather make some sacrifices
generally than to get into trouble.
I must here say that I would rather be captured by our naval
officers than by any other naval officers I have ever seen. The older
officers were calm and self-possessed during my visit on board both
the Richmond and Atlanta, and the young fellows are as handsome
as a steel engraving. While gazing on them as they proudly trod the
quarter deck or any other deck that needed it, I was proud of my
sex, and I could not help thinking that had I been an unprotected
but beautiful girl, hostile to the United States, I could have picked
out five or six young men there to either of whom I would be glad to
talk over the details of an armistice. I could not help enjoying fully
my hospitable treatment by the officers above referred to after
having been only a little while before rudely repulsed and most
cruelly snubbed by a haughty young cotton-sock broker in a New
York store.
When will people ever learn that the way to have fun with me is to
treat me for the time being as an equal?
It was wash-day on board ship, and I could not help noticing how
the tyrant man asserts himself when he becomes sole boss of the
household. The rule on board a man-of-war is that the first man who
on wash-day shall suggest a "picked-up dinner" shall be loaded into
the double-barrelled howitzer and shot into the bosom of Venus.
On the clothes-line I noticed very few frills. The lingerie on board
a war vessel is severe in outline and almost harsh in detail. Here the
salt breezes search in vain for the singularly sawed-off and fluently
trimmed toga of our home life. Here all is changed. From the
basement to the top of the lightning rod, from pit to dome, as I was
about to say, a belligerent ship on washday is not gayly caparisoned.
The Atlanta is a fair representative of the modern war vessel and
would be the most effective craft in the world if she could use her
guns. She has all the modern improvements, hot and cold water,
electric lights, handy to depots and a good view of the ocean, but
when she shoots off her guns they pull out her circles, abrade her
deck, concuss her rotunda, contuse the main brace and injure
people who have always been friendly to the Government. Her guns
are now being removed and new circles put in, so that in future she
would be enabled to give less pain to her friends and squirt more
gloom into the ranks of the enemy. She is at present as useful for
purposes of defense as a revolver in the bottom of a locked-up
bureau drawer, the key of which is in the pocket of your wife's dress
in a dark closet, wherein also the burglar is, for the nonce,
concealed.
Politics has very little to do with the conduct of a navy-yard. No
one would talk politics with me. I could not arouse any interest there
at all in the election. Every one seemed delighted with the present
Administration, however. The navy-yard always feels that way.
In the choky or brig at the guard-house I saw a sailor locked up
who was extremely drunk.
"How did you get it here, my man?" I asked.
"Through thinfloonee of prominent Democrat, you damphool.
Howje spose?" he unto me straightway did reply.
The sailor is sometimes infested with a style of arid humor which
asserts itself in the most unlooked-for fashion. I laughed heartily at
his odd yet coarse repartee, and went away.
The guard-house contains a choice collection of manacles,
handcuffs, lily irons and other rare gems. The lily irons are not now
in use. They consist of two iron bands for the wrists, connected by
means of a flat iron, which can be opened up to let the wrists into
place; then they are both locked at one time by means of a wrench
like the one used by a piano-tuner. With a pair of lily irons on the
wrists and another pair on the ankles a man locked in the brig and
caught out 2,000 miles at sea in a big gale, with the rudder knocked
off the ship and a large litter of kittens in the steam cylinder, would
feel almost helpless.
I had almost forgotten to mention the drug store on board ship.
Each man-of-war has a small pharmacy on the second floor. It is
open all night, and prescriptions are carefully compounded. Pure
drugs, paints, oils, varnishes and putty are to be had there at all
times. The ship's dispensary is not a large room, but two ordinary
men and a truss would not feel crowded there. The druggists treated
me well on board both ships, and offered me my choice of
antiseptics and anodynes, or anything else I might take a fancy to. I
shall do my trading in that line hereafter on board ship.
The Atlanta has many very modern improvements, and is said to
be a wonderful sailor. She also has a log. I saw it. It does not look
exactly like what I had, as an old lumberman, imagined that it
would.
It is a book, with writing in it, about the size of the tax-roll for
1888. In the cupola of the ship, where the wheel is located, there is
also a big brass compass about as large as the third stomach of a
cow. In this there is a little index or dingus, which always points
towards the north. That is all it has to do. On each side of the
compass is a large cannon ball so magnetized or polarized or
influenced as to overcome the attraction of the needle for some
desirable portion of the ship. There is also an index connected with
the shaft whereby the man at the wheel can ascertain the position of
the shaft and also ascertain at night whether the ship is advancing
or retreating—a thing that he should inform himself about at the
earliest possible moment.
The culinary arrangements on board these ships would make
many a hotel blush, and I have paid $1 a day for a worse room than
the choky at the guard-house.
 In the Navy-Yard at Brooklyn is the big iron hull or running gears
of an old ship of some kind which the Republicans were in the habit
of hammering on for a few weeks prior to election every four years.
Four years ago, through an oversight, the workmen were not called
off nor informed of Blaine's defeat for several days after the
election..
The Democrats have an entirely different hull in another part of
the yard on which they are hammering.
The keel blocks of a new cruiser, 375 feet long are just laid in the
big ship-house at the Brooklyn Navy-Yard. She will be a very airy and
cheerful boat, I judge, if the keel blocks are anything to go by.
In closing this account I desire to state that I hope I have avoided
the inordinate use of marine terms, as I desire to make myself
perfectly clear to the ordinary landsman, even at the expense of
beauty and style of description. I would rather be thoroughly
understood than confuse the reader while exerting myself to show
my knowledge of terms. I also desire to express my thanks to the
United States Navy for its kindness and consideration during my
visit. I could have been easily blown into space half a dozen times
without any opportunity to blow back through the papers, had the
navy so desired, and yet nothing but terms of endearment passed
between the navy and myself.
Lieut. Arthur P. Nazro, Chief Engineer Henry B. Nones, Passed
Assistant Engineer E. A. Magee, Capt. F. H. Harrington, of the United
States Marine Corps; Mr. Gus C. Roeder, Apothecary Henry Wimmer
and the dog Zib, of the Richmond; Master Shipwright McGee, Capt.
Miller, captain of the yard, and Mr. Milligan, apothecary of the
Atlanta, deserve honorable mention for coolness and heroic
endurance while I was there.
 MORE ABOUT WASHINGTON

W
ASHINGTON, D.C. I Have just returned from a polite and
recherche party here.
Washington is the hot-bed of gayety, and general
headquarters for the recherche business. It would be hard to find a
bontonger aggregation than the one I was just at, to use the words
of a gentleman who was there, and who asked me if I wrote "The
Heathen Chinee."
He was a very talented man, with a broad sweep of skull and a
vague yearning for something more tangible—to drink. He was in
Washington, he said, in the interests of Mingo county. I forgot to ask
him where Mingo county might be. He took a great interest in me,
and talked with me long after he really had anything to say. He was
one of those fluent conversationalists frequently met with in society.
He used one of these web-perfecting talkers—the kind that can be
fed with raw Roman punch and that will turn out punctuated talk in
links, like varnished sausages. Being a poor talker myself and rather
more fluent as a listener, I did not interrupt him.
He said that he was sorry to notice how young girls and their
parents came to Washington as they would to a matrimonial market.
I was sorry also to hear it. It pained me to know that young ladies
should allow themselves to be bamboozled into matrimony. Why was
it, I asked, that matrimony should ever single out the young and
fair?
"Ah," said he, "it is indeed rough!"
He then breathed a sigh that shook the foliage of the speckled
geranium near by, and killed an artificial caterpillar that hung on its
branches.
"Matrimony is all right," said he, "if properly brought about. It
breaks my heart, though, to notice how Washington is used as a
matrimonial market. It seems to me almost as if these here young
ladies were brought here like slaves and exposed for sale." I had
noticed that they were somewhat exposed, but I did not know that
they were for sale.
I asked him if the waists of party dresses had always been so
sadly in the minority, and he said they had.
I danced with a beautiful young lady whose trail had evidently
caught in a doorway. She hadn't noticed it till she had walked out
partially through her costume. I do not think a lady ought to give too
much thought to her apparel, neither should she feel too much
above her clothes. I say this in the kindest spirit, because I believe
that man should be a friend to woman. No family circle is complete
without a woman. She is like a glad landscape to the weary eye.
Individually and collectively, woman is a great adjunct of civilization
and progress. The electric light is a good thing, but how pale and
feeble it looks by the light of a good woman's eyes. The telephone is
a great invention. It is a good thing to talk at and murmur into and
deposit profanity in, but to take up a conversation and keep it up
and follow a man out through the front door with it, the telephone
has still much to learn from woman.
It is said that our government officials are not sufficiently paid,
and I presume that is the case, so it became necessary to
economize in every way, but, why should wives concentrate all their
economy on the waist of a dress? When chest protectors are so
cheap as they now are, I hate to see people suffer, and there is
more real suffering, more privation and more destitution, pervading
the Washington scapula and clavicle this winter than I ever saw
before.
But I do not hope to change this custom, though I spoke to
several ladies about it, and asked them to think it over. I do not
think they will. It seems almost wicked to cut off the best part of a
dress and put it at the other end of the skirt, to be trodden under
feet of men, as I may say. They smiled good humoredly at me as I
tried to impress my views upon them, but should I go there again
next season and mingle in the mad whirl of Washington, where
these fair women are also mingling in said mad whirl, I presume that
I will find them clothed in the same gaslight waist, with trimmings of
real vertebræ down the back.
Still, what does a man know about the proper costume for
woman? He knows nothing whatever. He is in many ways a little
inconsistent. Why does a man frown on a certain costume for his
wife and admire it on the first woman he meets? Why does he fight
shy of religion and Christianity and talk very freely about the church,
but get mad if his wife is an infidel?
Crops around Washington are looking well. Winter wheat,
crocusses and indefinite postponements were never in a more thrifty
condition. Quite a number of people are here who are waiting to be
confirmed. Judging from their habits, they are lingering around here
in order to become confirmed drunkards.
I leave here to-morrow with a large, wet towel in my plug hat.
Perhaps I should have said nothing on this dress reform question
while my hat is fitting me so immediately. It is seldom that I step
aside from the beaten path of rectitude, but last evening, on the way
home, it seemed to me that I didn't do much else but step aside. At
these parties no charge is made for punch. It is perfectly free. I
asked a colored man who stood near the punch bowl, and who
replenished it ever and anon, what the damage was, and he drew
himself up to his full height.
Possibly I did wrong, but I hate to be a burden on any one. It
seemed odd to me to go to a first-class dance and find the supper
and the band and the rum all paid for. It must cost a good deal of
money to run this government.
 A GREAT BENEFACTOR

I
T WAS not generally known at the time, but about a year ago a
gentleman from Jays-burg, named Alanson G-. Meltz, opened a
law office in Chicago, intending to give that city a style of clear-
cut counseling, soliciting, conveyancing, prosecuting and defending,
such as she had never witnessed before. He was young, but he was
full of confidence, and as he pulled the nails out of the dry goods
boxes, in which he had brought his revised statutes and replevin
appliances, he felt ready and willing to furnish advice at living rates
to all who would come and examine his stock.
But time kept on in his remorseless flight, bringing in at the
casement of Mr. Meltz the roar and hum of traffic, and the nut-brown
flavor of the Chicago river, but that was all. He was there, ready and
almost eager to advise one and all, but one and all, without
exception, evaded him. No matter how gayly he lettered his window
with the announcement that he would procure a divorce for any one
without pain, married people continued to suffer on or go elsewhere.
Even though he had put up a transparency:

DIVORCES PREPARED

WHILE YOU WAIT!

No one called at his office, No. 61 Water street, to get one. Day
after day innumerable people went by him in the mad rush and
hurry of life, married but not mated, forgetting that Mr. Meltz could
relieve them without publicity.
Remorseless time had rolled on in this way for three months, now
and then picking out a fragment of the cornice on the new court-
house and braining a pedestrian with it, when one day Mr. Meltz was
solicited by the proprietor of a new remedy for indigestion and brain-
fever to try his medicine. He also told Mr. Meltz that in case of cure
or beneficial effects he desired to use his endorsement, and as the
remedy was new he proposed to issue an edition of 1,000,000
circulars containing the endorsement of prominent professional
people of Chicago.
Alanson G. Meltz bought a bottle and began using it. In three
weeks the following endorsement entered over a million and a half
families in the United States at the expense of the man who owned
the remedy:
Chicago, Dec. 13, 1883.
Dr. J. Burdock Wells.—
Sir: I am a lawyer of this city, and for the past year have been
seriously and dangerously afflicted with sharp, darting pains up and
down the spinal column, dimness of sight, acidity of the tonsils and
in-growing spleen. I suffered the agonies of the d———d.
I take this method of informing the world, especially those who
may be suffering as I did, that less than a month ago I was in a
pitiful state. I have a large practice, especially as an attorney, in
procuring noiseless divorces. My office is at No. 6 5/8 South Water
Street, and for years I have been engaged in this line, procuring
divorces for thousands everywhere, orders filled by mail, etc., by a
new system of my own, by which applicants throughout the union
may be treated at a distance as well as in my office.
This had so taken up my time and engrossed my attention that,
before I knew it, my health had become impaired materially, and I
did not know at any time but that the next succeeding moment
might be my subsequent one. With clients calling on me and
pressing me by mail for their services, with persistent people
hurrying and urging me for divorces, so that they could marry some
one else without unnecessary delay, I was stricken down with
ingrowing spleen and gastric yearning of the most violent character.
My physicians gave me up. They said I could never recover. I was in
despair.
 At that moment, like a clap of thunder from a clear sky, came Dr.
J. Burdock Wells, with a bottle of his unerring Bile Renovator and
Gastric Rectifier. I took one bottle and called for another. In a little
while I began to hope.
When I arose in the morning my mouth did not taste like that of a
total stranger any more. In one week my eye had recovered its old
brilliancy, and in ten days I was back in my office again at No. 6 5/8
South Water Street, rapidly catching up with my large business and
answering all calls made upon me from all quarters. I have not only
regained my health, but I have been the humble means, since my
recovery, of bringing peace to many an aching heart. One man from
Kansas writes me: "Your recovery was indeed a great boon to me.
You have saved my life. Whenever I want a divorce again I shall
surely go to you. God bless you and prolong your life for many years
that you may go on spreading joy and hope again throughout our
broad land, furnishing your automatic and delightful divorces to
those who suffer." I can most heartily endorse Dr. J. Burdock Wells'
remedy and would cheerfully recommend it to those who have tried
everything else without success. I would be glad to have any or all
who suffer call at my office, No. 6 5/8 South Water street, if they
doubt my recovery, when they will find me removing superfluous
husbands or wives absolutely without pain.
Alanson G. Meltz.
Attorney and counselor-at-law, solicitor in chancery.
Practices in all the courts. Divorces sent C. O. D. at a moment's
notice. Try our home treatment for divorce.
A man who visited Mr. Meltz' office last week says that his
business is simply enormous, and that he has added to his former
office the gorgeous room at No. 7 1/8 People are now coming from
all quarters of the globe to get Mr. Meltz to administer his divorces to
them.
 THE COUPON LETTER OF
INTRODUCTION

T
HE interchange of letters of introduction between old friends,
by which valuable acquaintances are added to the list, is a
great blessing, and in good hands these letters have, no
doubt, been the beginning of many a warm friendship; but, like all
other blessings, it has been greatly abused. I have been the
recipient of letters, presented by tourists, which, it was easy to see,
had been wrung from some sandbagged friend of mine—letters with
sobs between the lines, letters punctuated with invisible signals,
calling upon me to remember that the bearer had looked over the
writer's shoulder as each sentence grew into a polite prevarication.
To those who are in the habit of giving hearty letters of
introduction and endorsement to casual acquaintances, I desire to
say that I am perfecting a system by which the drugged and
kidnapped writer of a style of assumed sincerity and bogus hilarity
will be thoroughly protected.
Let me explain briefly and then illustrate my method.
A casual acquaintance, who has met you, say four or five times,
and who feels thoroughly intimate with you, calling you by the name
that no one uses but your wife, approaches you with an air of
confidence that betrays his utter ignorance of himself, and asks for a
letter of introduction (in the same serious vein in which one asks for
a match). You are already provided with my numbered Introductory
Letter Pad. You write the letter of introduction on a sheet numbered
to correspond with a letter of advice mailed simultaneously to the
person who is to submit to the letter of introduction.
For instance, a young man, inclined to be fresh, enters your office
or library and states that he is going abroad. He has learned that
you are intimate with Dom Pedro, of Brazil. Perhaps you have
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