THE STRATEGY—HOW TO DEVELOP

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE,
EXPRESS YOURSELF, AND MANAGE
EMOTIONS LIKE A ROCKSTAR

Emotional intelligence is a skill set that comprises how well we identify and
manage our own emotions, as well as identify, respond to, and influence the
emotions of people around us. This is a skill that everyone needs, not just
people who are highly sensitive. But highly sensitive people—since they are
more vulnerable to the negative aftereffects of their negative feelings,
thoughts, or circumstances—need this skill more than most. Emotional
intelligence has four main components: self-awareness, self-regulation,
social awareness, and social skills. While some people are natural at one or
more of these skills, others are not. The good news is that all these skills are
learnable. Some of the ways to do that are discussed in the next section.

Developing Emotional Intelligence

Before we delve into how we can develop our emotional intelligence, let us
take a deeper look into what its components are.

Remember: Intensity is not the same as awareness. Intensity only increases

the depth of your emotions, while awareness improves your understanding
of them.
Self-regulation is the second component of emotional intelligence. Once
you have mastered self-awareness and understood your emotions, you will
then need to learn how to regulate them to bring about the outcome you
desire. For example, if you feel that something is not going the way you
want, you could either let your worry and stress consume you or channel
that anxiety and worry toward working for an actionable solution.

Social awareness is our ability to understand the emotions of those around

us. The cornerstone of social awareness is empathy. Empathy is widely
misunderstood as putting yourself in someone else's shoes, but it is more
than that. Empathy is not just about how you would feel in their place but
also how they are actually feeling in their situation. Let me illustrate this
with an example. Say two different individuals, A and B, failed to nail the
interview for the same company. They may not experience the same level of
demotivation. It is possible that what may have been a dream job for A
might have just been one of many options for B. Because of this, one of
them may feel worse about it than the other. In this case, perhaps A is
feeling devastated while B still has a lot of motivation left for their
upcoming job interviews. If B simply tries to put themselves in A's shoes,
they may not fully understand the gravity or intensity of A's disappointment
or sense of loss. They might even ask them to cheer up because they
themselves are not as devastated. However, if B practices empathy, they will
realize that the job meant more to A than to themselves. They will try to
motivate and validate A in other ways rather than dismiss their emotions.
People with a strong sense of social awareness are generally kinder and more
compassionate toward others than their peers.

Social skills include one's ability to influence others' emotions by motivating

or inspiring them with their presence or charisma, manage conflicts, build
and maintain teamwork, and have healthy relationships.

Now that we are familiar with the four main components of emotional
intelligence, let us look at the steps we can take to build it.

1. Identify and accurately label your emotions, increasing your

emotional vocabulary and awareness of subtle emotional cues.

2. Develop self-awareness. Take time to understand and recognize your

own emotions, triggers, and behavioral patterns.

3. Practice self-regulation. Learn to manage and control your

emotional responses, avoid impulsive reactions, and find healthier
ways to cope with challenging situations.

4. Practice emotional resilience. Develop the ability to bounce back

from setbacks and adapt to change, maintaining a positive mindset
and managing stress effectively.

5. Cultivate empathy. Seek to understand and share the feelings of

others, putting yourself in their shoes and showing compassion and
understanding.

6. Seek feedback. Be open to constructive feedback about your

emotional responses and behaviors, using it as an opportunity for
growth and self-improvement.

7. Foster emotional awareness in others. Pay attention to the emotional

states of those around you, validating and supporting their feelings
when needed.
 8. Enhance social skills. Build effective communication and
interpersonal skills, including active listening, conflict resolution,
and building rapport with others.

9. Apply emotional intelligence in various contexts. Practice applying

your emotional intelligence skills in different areas of life, including
personal relationships, the workplace, and social interactions.

10. Continuously learn and grow. Engage in personal development

activities, such as reading books, attending workshops, or seeking
therapy, to enhance your emotional intelligence skills over time.

Expressing Feelings in a Healthy Way

One of the major determinants of having a fulfilled and happy life is having
meaningful relationships. And one of the foundational cornerstones of
meaningful relationships is effective communication. Since highly sensitive
people form a minority of the populace, not everyone may be aware of or be
able to relate to how we feel. So the onus is on us to communicate what we
are feeling and what our loved ones could do to support us.

Holding back feelings can be very detrimental to our mental health and
eventually lead to overwhelm (Lonczak, 2020). It was found that in women,
suppressing emotions led to an increase in their blood pressure (Lonczak,
2020). Another study found that those who suppressed their feelings
experienced fewer positive and more negative emotions (Lonczak, 2020). In
another study in which participants were shown a disgusting movie, those
who suppressed their emotions thereafter experienced a relatively higher
heart rate than those who didn't. Emotional suppression is also known to
lead to a decrease in the quality of relationships, lesser social satisfaction,
lower social support, a higher chance of making a negative first impression,
and lower social well-being (Lonczak, 2020).

A preliminary study revealed that men who held back their emotions after
watching an upsetting video clip were more vulnerable to distress and an
elevated heart rate (Lonczak, 2020). In another study that compared the
responses of people who were struggling with major depression as opposed
to healthy ones, the ones who suppressed both positive and negative
emotions were associated with increased depressive symptoms among
depressed individuals (Lonczak, 2020). In another research, it was observed
that when people suppressed their feelings after watching an emotionally
charged movie, they were at a higher risk of experiencing an increase in
their negative emotions, especially if they had a recent or ongoing history of
anxiety and mood disorders (Lonczak, 2020). Researchers conducted an
experiment in which they asked the participants to give a speech facing a
camera, and those who tried to suppress their feelings while doing so ended
up feeling more anxious and having an increased heart rate (Lonczak,
2020).

A study was conducted in which participants experienced a mental

arithmetic task with or without harassment, followed by a cold-presser
experience (i.e., dipping a person’s hand in very cold water). Those in the
suppression group reported greater pain levels (Lonczak, 2020). One study
also reported that under-regulation of emotion was associated with an
increased probability of aggression. In yet another study, researchers asked
the participants to journal every day about their positive and negative
moods and found that those who held their feelings back experienced more
negativity and less positivity (Lonczak, 2020).
In a study comparing clinically depressed, formerly depressed, and never-
depressed participants, all groups were presented with an affective priming
task. Among the formerly depressed group, suppressing one's feelings was
linked to an increase in symptoms of depression (Lonczak, 2020).

This makes it very important to learn how to express our feelings and state
our boundaries in a healthy way that is beneficial to both parties. Some of
the ways to do this are:

Identify and acknowledge your feelings. Take time to recognize and

understand your emotions, giving yourself permission to experience
and express them.

Choose the right time and place. Find a suitable setting and
moment to express your feelings, ensuring privacy and a conducive
environment for open communication.

Avoid using "you" statements, take ownership of your emotions, and

avoid sounding accusatory toward others.

Be clear and specific. Clearly communicate the emotions you are

experiencing, describing them in a specific and concise manner.

Practice active listening. Be a good listener. Create space for others

to express their feelings as well, listening attentively without
interruption or judgment.

Use assertive communication. Express your feelings assertively, being

honest and direct while respecting the rights and boundaries of
others.
 Avoid blaming or attacking. Focus on expressing your feelings
without placing blame on others or resorting to personal attacks.

Use nonverbal cues. Pay attention to your body language, tone of

voice, and facial expressions to convey your feelings authentically
and effectively.

Validate and acknowledge the feelings of others. Show empathy and

understanding toward the emotions expressed by others, creating a
supportive and validating environment.

Seek resolution and understanding. Express your feelings with the

intention of fostering understanding, finding common ground, and
working toward resolution in a respectful manner.

Seek support if needed. If expressing your feelings becomes

challenging or overwhelming, consider reaching out to a trusted
friend, family member, or therapist for guidance and support.

Managing Overwhelm and Emotional Intensity

Managing emotions when we are overwhelmed is an important skill for a

highly sensitive person. This is because we often find ourselves in situations
where we are so overwhelmed with our emotions that we do not know what
to do with them. Holding them back would end up with undesirable
consequences for us, as mentioned in the previous section, and simply
letting them out in their raw and unfiltered state would be undesirable for
the opposite party. So what does one do with something like that? The
answer lies in using emotional regulation to manage our emotional intensity
and the resulting overwhelm.
Consider the emotional overwhelm as your body telling you that it has
reached its breaking point and that you should do something about it
immediately. It is very important to manage our overwhelming emotions
because failure to do so may eventually lead to trouble at home, work, or
school. It can also lead to you having difficulty managing stress, sleep
problems, anxiety, depression, muscle fatigue, and so on, which may
eventually lead you to resort to unhealthy coping methods such as substance
abuse. In order to prevent our emotions from spiraling out of control, it is
better to sew the proverbial stitch in time. Some of the ways to do that are
discussed below:

Recognize your triggers. Identify the situations, environments, or

thoughts that tend to overwhelm you or intensify your emotions.

Practice self-awareness. Be attuned to your own emotional state,

noticing when you start to feel overwhelmed or emotionally intense.

Take breaks. Allow yourself regular breaks to step away from

overwhelming situations, giving yourself time and space to
decompress.

Establish healthy boundaries. Set clear boundaries to protect your

energy and prevent overwhelm. Learn to say no when necessary and
prioritize self-care.

Practice self-care. Engage in activities that promote self-care and

nourish your well-being, such as exercise, spending time in nature,
engaging in hobbies, or seeking support from loved ones.
Seek support. Reach out to trusted friends, family members, or
professionals who can provide a supportive ear or guidance during
times of overwhelm or emotional intensity.

Start journaling. Write down your thoughts and emotions in a

journal as a way to process and release overwhelming feelings.

Break tasks into manageable steps. When faced with overwhelming

tasks, break them down into smaller, more manageable steps to
reduce the sense of being overwhelmed.

Practice emotional regulation. Learn techniques to regulate your

emotions, such as identifying and challenging negative thought
patterns, reframing situations, or seeking professional support for
developing emotional regulation skills.

Prioritize self-compassion. Be gentle with yourself and practice self-

compassion when you're feeling overwhelmed or emotionally
intense. Remember that it's okay to ask for help and take care of
yourself.

Seek balance. Strive for a balanced lifestyle that includes rest,

relaxation, social connection, and activities that bring you joy and
fulfillment.

Engage in relaxation techniques. Explore various relaxation

techniques like meditation, mindfulness, progressive muscle
relaxation, or guided imagery to help reduce overwhelm and
emotional intensity. You could also practice deep breathing
techniques, such as diaphragmatic breathing, to activate the body's
 relaxation response and calm your nervous system. Some of these are
explained below.

Diaphragmatic Breathing

Diaphragmatic breathing, also called belly breathing, is a breathing

technique that can help improve your lung health and involves breathing in
a way that primarily uses the diaphragm.

To practice diaphragmatic breathing in its most basic form, follow the given
steps:

Lie down with one pillow under your head and another under your
knees. This will help you settle into a comfortable position.

Place one hand on the mid-upper chest and another on the

stomach, just below your rib cage but above the diaphragm.

During inhalation, breathe in slowly through your nose and draw

your breath into your stomach. The stomach should rise against the
hand, while the hand on the chest should not move.

During exhalation, tighten the muscles on your stomach and allow

your stomach to fall back to its original position. Breathe out while
your lips are still pursed. In this case, too, the chest must remain still.

Progressive Muscle Relaxation (PMR)

Progressive muscle relaxation is an effective way to release stress and anxiety.

To practice PMR, you have to slowly tense and then relax each muscle in