“The Fight”

Episode # 4ALH10

Written by

Theresa Mulligan Rosenthal

Directed by

Pamela Fryman

FINAL DRAFT (PINK) – 11/5/08

Twentieth Century Fox Television.

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. COPYRIGHT © 2008 TWENTIETH CENTURY FOX TELEVISION.

NO PORTION OF THIS SCRIPT MAY BE PERFORMED, PUBLISHED, REPRODUCED, SOLD
OR DISTRIBUTED BY ANY MEANS OR QUOTED OR PUBLISHED IN ANY MEDIUM,
INCLUDING ON ANY WEB SITE, WITHOUT THE PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT OF
TWENTIETH CENTURY FOX TELEVISION. DISPOSAL OF THIS SCRIPT COPY DOES NOT
ALTER ANY OF THESE RESTRICTIONS SET FORTH ABOVE.
 “The Fight”

TENTATIVE SCHEDULE: November 5-7

** PLEASE NOTE: All times are approximate.

Final call times per call sheet only **

WEDNESDAY, Nov 5 STAGE 22

10:00 AM – 3:00 PM Block and Shoot
3:00 PM – 4:00 PM Lunch
4:00 PM – TBD Block and Shoot

THURSDAY, Nov 6 STAGE 22

11:30 PM - 4:00 PM Block & Shoot
4:00 PM - 5:00 PM Lunch
5:00 PM - TBD Block &Shoot

FRIDAY, Nov 7 STAGE 22

9:30 AM – 2:30 PM Block and Shoot
2:30 PM – 3:30 PM Lunch
3:30 PM – TBD Block and Shoot
HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER NOVEMBER 5, 2008
“THE FIGHT” FINAL DRAFT (PINK)

CAST

NARRATOR (V.O.) BOB SAGET

TED JOSH RADNOR
MARSHALL JASON SEGEL
BARNEY NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
LILY ALYSON HANNIGAN
ROBIN COBIE SMULDERS
BEN ETHAN DIZON
ANDY DAVIS CLEVELAND
DOUG WILL SASSO
GUY in BOOTH #1 JESS ROWLAND
GUY in BOOTH #2 RYAN FREEMAN
GUY in BOOTH #3 KHARY PAYTON
MARCUS NED ROLSMA
MARVIN Jr. ROBERT MICHAEL RYAN
WENDY CHARLENE AMOIA
AMANDA KATIE MORRIS
ESMERELDA SARAH MICHELL CAMPBELL
GUY #1 COURTNEY GEIGLE
GUY #2 ANDY HOFF

SETS

INT. BAR
INT. LILY’S CLASSROOM
INT. SCHOOL STAGE
INT. DORM ROOM
INT. MARSHALL’S LIVING ROOM IN MINNESOTA
EXT. ALLEY
INT. LILY AND MARSHALL’S BEDROOM
INT. APARTMENT
 1.

FINAL DRAFT (PINK) NOVEMBER 5, 2008

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER SHOOTING DATE:

“THE FIGHT” TIMING: ___________________
SHORT RUNDOWN

ACT 1, SCENE 1 (1)

OMITTED
ACT 1, SCENE 1A (1)
STOCK FOOTAGE: A SERIES OF
STOCK CLIPS, GLADIATORS
FIGHTING, BOXERS IN A RING ETC.
(Narrator (V.O.))
ACT 1, SCENE 2 (1)
INT. LILY’S CLASSROOM - DAY
(DAY 1)
(Narrator (V.O.), Lily, Ben, Andy, Extras)
ACT 1, SCENE 2A (2)
INT. BAR – NIGHT (NIGHT 1)
(Narrator (V.O.), Ted, Barney, Extras)
ACT 1, SCENE 2B (2)
FOOTAGE OF EPISODE 405 “SHELTER
ISLAND”
(Narrator (V.O.))
ACT 1, SCENE 3 (3)
INT. BAR – THAT NIGHT (NIGHT 1)
(Narrator (V.O.), Ted, Marshall, Barney,
Lily, Robin, Doug, Extras)
ACT 1, SCENE 4 (5)
INT. BAR – FLASHBACK – DAY
(FB/D-1)
(Narrator (V.O.), Ted, Marshall, Barney,
Lily, Robin, Doug, Extras)
ACT 1, SCENE 5 (5)
FOOTAGE FROM THE “PILOT”
(Doug, Extras)
ACT 1, SCENE 6 (5)
INT. BAR – FLASHBACK – NIGHT
(FB/N-2)
(Ted, Marshall, Barney, Doug, Extras)
ACT 1, SCENE 7 (6)
INT. BAR – FLASHBACK – NIGHT
(FB/N-3)
(Narrator (V.O.), Ted, Marshall, Barney,
Lily, Robin, Doug, Extras)
 2.

ACT 1, SCENE 8 (6)

INT. BAR – FLASHBACK – NIGHT
(FB/N-4)
(Narrator (V.O.), Ted, Barney, Doug,
Extras)
ACT 1, SCENE 9 (7)
INT. BAR – FLASHBACK – NIGHT
(FB/N-5)
(Narrator (V.O.), Ted, Marshall, Barney,
Lily, Robin, Doug, Extras)
ACT 1, SCENE 10 (8)
INT. BAR – FLASHBACK – NIGHT
(FB/N-6)
(Narrator (V.O.), Ted, Marshall, Barney,
Lily, Robin, Doug, Extras)
ACT 1, SCENE 11 (9)
INT. BAR – BACK TO PRESENT
(NIGHT 1)
(Narrator (V.O.), Ted, Marshall, Barney,
Lily, Robin, Doug, Guy in Booth #1, Guy in
Booth #2, Guy in Booth #3, Extras)
ACT 1, SCENE 12 (10)
INT. BAR – MOMENTS LATER
(NIGHT 1)
(Narrator (V.O.), Ted, Marshall, Barney,
Lily, Robin, Doug, Extras)
ACT 1, SCENE 13 (13)
FOOTAGE FROM “NO TOMORROW”:
TED GETS PUNCHED
(Narrator (V.O.))
ACT 1, SCENE 14 (13)
INT. SCHOOL STAGE – FLASHBACK –
NIGHT (FB/N-7)
(Narrator (V.O.), Ted, Extras)
ACT 1, SCENE 15 (14)
INT. DORM ROOM – FLASHBACK –
DAY (FB/D-8)
(Ted, Marshall)
ACT 1, SCENE 16 (14)
INT. BAR – BACK TO PRESENT
(NIGHT 1)
(Narrator (V.O.), Ted, Marshall, Barney,
Lily, Robin, Extras)
HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - "THE FIGHT" 1.
FINAL DRAFT (PINK) - 11/05/08

ACT ONE
FADE IN:

1 OMITTED 1 *

1A STOCK FOOTAGE: A SERIES OF STOCK CLIPS: GLADIATORS 1A *

FIGHTING, BOXERS IN A RING, ETC. *
(NARRATOR (V.O.)) *

NARRATOR (V.O.) *

Why do we fight? What is that thing *

deep within each of us, that compels us *

to settle disagreements with our fists? *

CUT TO: *

2 INT. LILY'S CLASSROOM - DAY (DAY 1) 2 *

(NARRATOR (V.O.), LILY, BEN, ANDY, EXTRAS) *

NARRATOR (V.O.) *

Whatever it is, it's there right from *

the beginning.

LILY IS TRYING TO BREAK UP A FIGHT BETWEEN TWO LITTLE

BOYS, BEN AND ANDY. THE REST OF THE CLASS CHEERS
THEM ON.

LILY

Stop fighting!

BEN

Why?

BEAT.

LILY

Because it's stupid and juvenile.

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - "THE FIGHT" 2.*
FINAL DRAFT (PINK) - 11/05/08

ANDY

Lady, we're six. We are stupid and

juvenile.

THE KIDS GO BACK TO FIGHTING.

CUT TO: *

2A INT. BAR - NIGHT (NIGHT 1) 2A *

(NARRATOR (V.O.), TED, BARNEY, EXTRAS) *

NARRATOR (V.O.) *

Kids, I've only been in one fight in *

my life. And this is the story.

TED AND BARNEY ENTER. TED HAS A BLOODY NOSE AND *

BARNEY HAS A SWOLLEN EYE. FREEZE-FRAME.

NARRATOR (V.O.) (CONT'D) *

I should explain how I got there. As *

I think I've mentioned, in 2008, I got *

left at the altar. *

CUT TO: *

2B FOOTAGE FROM EPISODE 405 "SHELTER ISLAND" 2B *

(NARRATOR (V.O.)) *

TED READS THE LETTER FROM STELLA. *

NARRATOR (V.O.) *

And you want to know the worst thing *

about getting left at the altar? *

(MORE)
HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - "THE FIGHT" 3.*
FINAL DRAFT (PINK) - 11/05/08

NARRATOR (V.O.) (CONT'D)

Well, the worst thing is losing the *

person you thought you were going to *

spend the rest of your life with. But *

a close second? *

BACK TO: *

3 INT. BAR - THAT NIGHT (NIGHT 1) 3 *

(NARRATOR (V.O.), TED, MARSHALL, BARNEY, LILY, ROBIN,
WENDY, DOUG, EXTRAS) *

THE GANG'S SITTING IN THE CORNER BOOTH AS WENDY *

PLACES THE LAST OF THEIR DRINKS ON THE TABLE. *

NARRATOR (V.O.) *

... is the pity. All the annoying *

pity.

WENDY *

Okay, two beers. Vodka cranberry. *

Gin and tonic. (TO TED, OVERLY *

SYMPATHETIC) Scotch and soda. *

SHE SQUEEZES HIS ARM. *

TED *

(TRYING TO PLAY IT OFF) Uh, thanks. *

Could I see a menu? *

WENDY *

Ted, I'm gonna go get you a menu. But *

I promise you I will come back. *

SHE CROSSES OFF. *

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - "THE FIGHT" 4.*
FINAL DRAFT (PINK) - 11/05/08

TED *

Okay, we gotta start going somewhere *

else. At this bar, I'm always gonna *

be the guy who got left at the altar. *

I miss my old image. *

ROBIN *

The dorky know-it-all? *

TED *

No, the brilliant-witty-not-really- *

aware-of-his-own-good-looks architect. *

LILY *

(OVERLY SYMPATHETIC) Aww. I still see *

you that way.

TED *

Stop it! *

BARNEY *

Ted, you're blowing an opportunity. You *

should be parlaying this pity into pootie. *

Ooh. Blog title. Lemme take your picture *

for the website. Look sad. *

TED SWATS BARNEY'S PHONE AWAY. DOUG COMES OVER. *

HE'S UPSET. *

NARRATOR (V.O.)

And then Doug walked over...

DOUG

What the hell is this?!

THE GANG ALL LOOKS CONCERNED. THEN... FREEZE FRAME.

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - "THE FIGHT" 5.
FINAL DRAFT (PINK) - 11/05/08

NARRATOR (V.O.)
Have I told you kids about Doug yet?

Maybe I haven't.
CUT TO:

4 INT. BAR - FLASHBACK - DAY (FB/D-1) 4

(NARRATOR (V.O.), TED, MARSHALL, BARNEY, LILY, ROBIN,
DOUG, EXTRAS)
DOUG MARTIN, A BRUISER KIND OF A GUY, IS BEHIND THE
BAR POURING DRINKS.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Doug Martin was a bartender at *

MacLaren's. He was always kind of

around...
CUT TO:

5 FOOTAGE: FROM "THE PILOT" 5

(DOUG, EXTRAS)
BARNEY
Haaaave you met Ted?
THROUGH THE MAGIC OF TELEVISION WE REVEAL DOUG BEHIND
THE BAR, SMILING, ENJOYING THE MOMENT.
JUMP CUT TO:

6 INT. BAR - FLASHBACK - NIGHT (FB/N-2) 6

(TED, MARSHALL, BARNEY, DOUG, EXTRAS)
RE-SHOT OF BARNEY WITH THE PENCIL UP HIS NOSE FROM "MIRACLES."
BARNEY
Am I dead? Am I dead?

DOUG WALKS BY, AMUSED.

JUMP CUT TO:
HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - "THE FIGHT" 6.
FINAL DRAFT (PINK) - 11/05/08

7 INT. BAR - FLASHBACK - NIGHT (FB/N-3) 7

(NARRATOR (V.O.), TED, MARSHALL, BARNEY, LILY, ROBIN,
DOUG, EXTRAS)

RE-SHOT OF BARNEY AS THE LESBIAN FROM "I HEART N.J."

BARNEY

Tonight, I pick up a lesbian...

DOUG, BEHIND THE BAR, CHUCKLES AT THIS.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

Anyway, three things you need to know

about Doug.

FLASH TO:

8 INT. BAR - FLASHBACK - NIGHT (FB/N-4) 8

(NARRATOR (V.O.), TED, BARNEY, DOUG, EXTRAS)

TED AND BARNEY STAND AT THE BAR LISTENING TO DOUG

TELL A STORY.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

The first thing is that Doug had a bit

of a violent streak.

DOUG

... So we kept kicking him, till he

was all shaking on the ground like...

DOUG PRETENDS TO DO CONVULSIONS.

DOUG (CONT'D)

Anyway, we just left him there. Top

you off?

HE HOLDS UP A BOTTLE OF SCOTCH. TED AND BARNEY,

KIND OF FREAKED OUT, ACCEPT THE DRINK.

CUT TO:
HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - "THE FIGHT" 7.
FINAL DRAFT (PINK) - 11/05/08

9 INT. BAR - FLASHBACK - NIGHT (FB/N-5) 9

(NARRATOR (V.O.), TED, MARSHALL, BARNEY, LILY, ROBIN,
DOUG, EXTRAS)

DOUG IS TAKING ORDERS FROM THE GANG.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

The second thing is that he was weird

about his hair.

HE NOTICES TED LOOKING AT HIS HAIR.

DOUG

What? Are you looking at my hair?

TED

No, sir. I was not.

DOUG

It's a toupee.

TED

Is it?

THEY ALL AD-LIB "NO," "IT'S GREAT, "WE NEVER WOULD

HAVE NOTICED."

DOUG

Yeah, it is. I paid good money for it.

It's high quality, sixty percent human

hair. You think it's so funny, why don't

you try to grab it off my head?

HE LEANS INTO TED.

DOUG (CONT'D)

Go ahead. Try and grab it. No one's

ever gotten it. Try and grab it. Try

and grab it.

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - "THE FIGHT" 8.
FINAL DRAFT (PINK) - 11/05/08

BEAT.

DOUG (CONT'D)

(LAUGHING) I like you guys.

CUT TO:

10 INT. BAR - FLASHBACK - NIGHT (FB/N-6) 10

(NARRATOR (V.O.), TED, MARSHALL, BARNEY, LILY, ROBIN,
DOUG, EXTRAS)

THE GANG ENTERS ONE BY ONE, SAYING HI TO DOUG.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

But the third thing is that he was

very loyal to his regulars.

DOUG

Yeah! There they are! My regulars!

My raygs! You guys want your booth?

THEY ALL SHRUG.

GANG

Sure. / Okay. / That'd be great.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

Maybe a little too loyal.

DOUG GOES OVER TO THE BOOTH, WHERE A PRIEST AND

NUN ARE HAVING DINNER.

DOUG

Okay, lovebirds! Take it somewhere else!

Booth's reserved! Go on! Beat it! *

THE PRIEST AND NUN LEAVE IN A HUFF.

BACK TO:
HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - "THE FIGHT" 9.
FINAL DRAFT (PINK) - 11/05/08

11 INT. BAR - BACK TO PRESENT (NIGHT 1) 11

(NARRATOR (V.O.), TED, MARSHALL, BARNEY, LILY, ROBIN, *
DOUG, GUY IN BOOTH #1, GUY IN BOOTH #2, GUY IN BOOTH *
#3, EXTRAS) *
WHERE WE LEFT OFF.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
So that's Doug.
DOUG COMES OVER. HE'S UPSET.
DOUG
What the hell is this?!
TED
Oh, yeah, some guys are in our booth.

But you know what? This is fine.

REVEAL THREE GUYS SITTING IN THE BOOTH.
DOUG
No no no no no, I'll take care of it.
BEFORE THEY CAN STOP HIM, DOUG CROSSES OFF. WE SEE
BUT DON'T HEAR THE EXCHANGE. THEY WATCH AS IT'S
GOING ON.
LILY
Oh boy, there he goes.
MARSHALL
Why yes, I did get a hair cut. Thanks,

for noticing, everyone.

DOUG AND THE GUYS START SHOUTING AT EACH OTHER. WE
CAN'T QUITE MAKE OUT WHAT THEY'RE SAYING.
ROBIN
Uh oh, hold the phone.
THE GUYS STORM OUT.

THE GANG STARTS TO GATHER UP THEIR DRINKS TO SWITCH

BOOTHS WHEN DOUG STORMS BACK OVER.
HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - "THE FIGHT" 10.
FINAL DRAFT (PINK) - 11/05/08

DOUG

Ladies, if you'll please adjourn to

your usual booth. Gentlemen, I'll

need your assistance outside.

TED

Our assistance with what?

DOUG

We're gonna go out in the alley and

fight those guys.

THE GANG REACTS. *

SMASH CUT TO: *

MAIN TITLES.

CUT TO:

12 INT. BAR - MOMENTS LATER (NIGHT 1) 12

(NARRATOR (V.O.), TED, MARSHALL, BARNEY, LILY, ROBIN,
DOUG, EXTRAS)

THE GANG IS STUNNED.

TED

I'm sorry, did you say we're gonna--

DOUG

Those guys are being inconsiderate so

we're gonna go outside and cave in *

their skulls. *

THE GANG IS STILL STUNNED. DOUG PUTS NAPKINS ON

THE GUYS' DRINKS.
HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - "THE FIGHT" 11.
FINAL DRAFT (PINK) - 11/05/08

DOUG (CONT'D)

Here, put these on your drinks, so no

one takes them. I'll meet you outside.

This'll be fun!

DOUG EXITS.

TED

He wants us to... fight? Like, with

our hands and stuff?

MARSHALL

And feet maybe? I don't know what the

rules are.

TED

Wow. A fight. Should we go out there?

BARNEY

Come on, Ted. I'm a lover not a *

fighter. There are only three things *

you'll ever see me fight: the stubborn *

clasp of a bra. Sexual harassment *

charges. Nine for nine. (HE DOES THE *

SAMMY SOSA KISS TO THE BIG GUY UPSTAIRS) *

And the urge to vomit when someone *

wears brown shoes with a black suit. *

TED *

Marshall? *
HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - "THE FIGHT" 12.
FINAL DRAFT (PINK) - 11/05/08

MARSHALL *

Fighting's for losers. We're civilized. *

Civilized guys don't fight. Unless

it's with lightsabers. But that's

like three to five years away.

ROBIN
Well, that's not true.
MARSHALL
Robin, I'm on the forums everyday. *

Three to five Thanksgivings from now, *

I'm carving the turkey with Old Green.

ROBIN
No, I'm saying there are plenty of

good reasons to get in a fight. It's

not pretty, but in certain situations, *

you gotta do what you gotta do. *

TED
Oh, I forgot. She thinks fighting's
sexy.
ROBIN
Well it is sexy! I come from a culture *

of hockey players. If a guy can throw *

down, it's somewhat way hot. And scars, *

hello! If a guy's got a scar, he's

got a Robin. And if he's missing teeth?

I'm missing my pants.

BARNEY PERKS UP.

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - "THE FIGHT" 13.
FINAL DRAFT (PINK) - 11/05/08

BARNEY
I'm missing my wisdom teeth. (BRAGGING)

Outpatient procedure. Local anesthesia. *

Whatever. It ain't a thing. *

TED *
Maybe we should go out there. *
LILY *
I can't believe we're even having this

discussion. Ted, you're thirty. You're

too old to act like this.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
And I thought about that. I was thirty.

I'd been punched that one time...

CUT TO:

13 FOOTAGE: FROM "NO TOMORROW" OF TED GETTING PUNCHED 13

(NARRATOR (V.O.))
NARRATOR (V.O.)
And you know, there was that thing in

high school...
FLASHBACK TO:

14 INT. SCHOOL STAGE - FLASHBACK - NIGHT (FB/N-7) 14

(NARRATOR (V.O.), TED, EXTRAS)
TED DANCES ACROSS THE STAGE AND "STAGE PUNCHES"
ANOTHER KID IN A PRODUCTION OF WEST SIDE STORY.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

And in college, Uncle Marshall and I

studied some Kung Fu.

CUT TO:
HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - "THE FIGHT" 14.
FINAL DRAFT (PINK) - 11/05/08

15 INT. DORM ROOM - FLASHBACK - DAY (FB/D-8) 15

(TED, MARSHALL)

CLOSE ON A SHOT OF A KUNG FU MOVIE. *

REVEAL TED AND MARSHALL WATCHING FROM THE BOTTOM

BUNK. THEY PASS A THREE FOOT LONG SUBMARINE SANDWICH
BACK AND FORTH AND LAUGH A LITTLE TOO MUCH.

BACK TO:

16 INT. BAR - BACK TO PRESENT - NIGHT (NIGHT 1) 16

(NARRATOR (V.O.), TED, MARSHALL, BARNEY, LILY, ROBIN, *
EXTRAS)

AS THEY WERE.

NARRATOR (V.O.) *

But I'd never been in a fight. *

TED

I'm going out there. *

LILY *

No! *

MARSHALL *

Dude, trust me, I've been in plenty of *

fights and it's nothing to be proud of.

TED

Who'd you get in a fight with?

MARSHALL

My brothers.

TED AND BARNEY LAUGH.

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - "THE FIGHT" 15.
FINAL DRAFT (PINK) - 11/05/08

BARNEY

Yeah, that must have been quite a rumble

in the Eriksen rumpus room...

FLASH TO:

17 INT. MARSHALL'S LIVING ROOM IN MINNESOTA - 17

FLASHBACK - DAY (FB/D-9)
(MARSHALL, MARCUS, MARVIN JR.) *

MARSHALL AND HIS BROTHERS PLAYFULLY ROUGH-HOUSE IN

A REALLY SOFT AND HARMLESS WAY.

MARSHALL

Ha ha! We're rough-housing!

MARCUS

I love brotherly horseplay!

MARVIN JR. *

Noogie patrol!

MARVIN STARTS GIVING MARSHALL A NOOGIE.

MARSHALL

Cocoa break!

THEY ALL PICK UP MUGS OF COCOA AND START DRINKING.

FLASH TO:

18 INT. BAR - BACK TO PRESENT (NIGHT 1) 18

(TED, MARSHALL, BARNEY, LILY, ROBIN, WENDY, EXTRAS)

WHERE WE LEFT OFF, TED, BARNEY AND ROBIN STILL

LAUGHING. TED DOWNS HIS BEER.

TED *

Okay. It's clobberin' time. *

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - "THE FIGHT" 16.*
FINAL DRAFT (PINK) - 11/05/08

LILY
Ted, don't do this. You're a nice

guy. That's your best quality.

TED
Is it? Because I seem to remember

this nice guy getting dumped by his

fiancée for a Tae Kwon Do instructor.

Look, I know this is crazy, but I think *

I need to do this. I think this is an *

experience I need to have. I'm going. *

TED STANDS UP AND HEADS TO THE DOOR. BARNEY LOOKS *
AT ROBIN. SHE'S LOOKING OFF AT TED, IMPRESSED.
BARNEY STANDS.
BARNEY
Me too! Guys, take a good look at *

this face. The next time you see it, *

it's going to be disfigured in the *

hottest possible way. Because that's *

what I do. I'm a man. I like to fight *

and mix it up and get all dirty. *
HE HANDS HIS JACKET TO MARSHALL. *
BARNEY (CONT'D)
Can you find a wood hanger for this? *
HE DOWNS HIS DRINK AND STARTS TO FOLLOW TED OUT.
CUT TO:

19 EXT. ALLEY - MOMENTS LATER (NIGHT 1) 19

(TED, BARNEY, DOUG, GUY IN BOOTH #1, GUY IN BOOTH *
#2, GUY IN BOOTH #3) *

TED AND BARNEY ARRIVE IN THE ALLEY. *

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - "THE FIGHT" 17.
FINAL DRAFT (PINK) - 11/05/08

THEY'RE STOPPED BY THE SIGHT OF DOUG STANDING OVER

THE GUYS FROM BEFORE, WHO ARE MOANING. ONE OF THEM'S *
CRAWLING AWAY. A BREATHLESS DOUG TURNS TO THEM. *

BARNEY

Whoa. What happened here?

DOUG

I know, right? Man, fighting's fun! *

Look what we did to those guys! *

TED *

We? *

DOUG

Yeah, we're a good team. Nice work *

boys! We did it! *

TED *

You did it. We didn't do anything. *

DOUG LAUGHS.

DOUG

Yeah, okay, I beat up three guys by

myself. (KIDDING AROUND) You guys... *

(TO TED) You... (TO BARNEY) And you... *

My raygs! Free drinks for life!

DOUG ADJUSTS HIS TOUPEE AND ENTERS THE BAR, ELATED.

TED AND BARNEY ARE STUNNED.

TED *

He thinks we were in this fight. *

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - "THE FIGHT" 18.*
FINAL DRAFT (PINK) - 11/05/08

BARNEY *

We were in this fight. And right now, *

we're gonna go in there and tell *

everyone the legendary tale of how we *

beat up some guys. And everyone is *

going to think it's great and everyone *

is going to sleep with me again. *

TED *

Dude, no one's gonna believe we were *

just in a fight. Look at us. *

BARNEY THINKS FOR A SECOND, THEN GETS AN IDEA. HE *

PUNCHES HIMSELF IN THE EYE. TED IS STUNNED. *

TED (CONT'D) *

What are you doing?! *

BARNEY *

What I should've done a long time ago. *

TED *

What? *

BARNEY *

I don't know, I just got hit in the *

eye, I don't know what I'm saying!

(IN PAIN) Ahhh! Man, I throw an awesome

right hook! (HE COMPOSES HIMSELF,

THEN) Okay, are you ready?

TED *

To go back in? *
HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - "THE FIGHT" 19.*
FINAL DRAFT (PINK) - 11/05/08

BARNEY *

No. For this. *

BARNEY PUNCHES TED IN THE NOSE. TED GRABS HIS NOSE *

AND TEARS UP. *

TED *

Ow! You punched me! *

BARNEY *

Too hard? Are you crying? *

TED *

Yes, it's too hard! And yes, I'm crying - *

you just punched me in the nose! *

BARNEY *

That's gonna swell up really nice. *

You're gonna look like Owen Wilson. *

Now let's get back in there. *

TED *

Okay, fine. But let's just play it *

down, okay? I don't want this to be a *

big thing. *

SMASH CUT TO: *

20 OMITTED 20 *

21 INT. BAR - MOMENTS LATER (NIGHT 1) 21 *

(TED, MARSHALL, BARNEY, LILY, ROBIN, DOUG, EXTRAS)

REPLAY THE MOMENT WHERE WE STARTED AT THE TOP OF

THE SHOW. TED'S NOSE IS BLEEDING AND BARNEY HAS A
SWOLLEN EYE. THEY ENTER THE BAR.

CUT TO DOUG, WHO HAS BEEN TELLING A BUNCH OF PEOPLE

WHAT JUST HAPPENED. HE SEES THEM COME IN.
HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - "THE FIGHT" 20.
FINAL DRAFT (PINK) - 11/05/08

DOUG

Hey, there they are now! The guys who *

had my back! *

THE BAR LETS OUT A BIG CHEER. PEOPLE START COMING

UP TO TED AND BARNEY AND START CONGRATULATING THEM.
TED AND BARNEY SHARE A LOOK, LIKE "HEY MAYBE THIS
WON'T BE SO BAD -- WE'LL CONTINUE THIS RUSE AS LONG
AS WE CAN UNTIL IT CATCHES UP WITH US IN ACT THREE
IN A REALLY FUNNY AND SATISFYING WAY."

FADE OUT: *

END OF ACT ONE *

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - "THE FIGHT" 21.
FINAL DRAFT (PINK) - 11/05/08

ACT TWO
FADE IN: *
22 INT. BAR - MOMENTS LATER (NIGHT 1) 22 *
(TED, MARSHALL, BARNEY, LILY, ROBIN, DOUG, EXTRAS)
THE GANG IS STUNNED.
MARSHALL
(SKEPTICALLY) You guys got in a fight.

Really.
TED
No, Barney punched me and himself in

the face to make it look like we got

in a fight. Come on, Marshall.

LILY
I can't believe you two. What is this, *

high school? What's next -- Push an *

old lady down some stairs? Start a *

fire? Flip over a cop car? *

BARNEY *
(TO MARSHALL) Jeez, where'd she go to *
high school?
LILY *
718. Represent. (THEN) Do you really *

think anyone's impressed by this?

ROBIN
(TO BARNEY) Wow, look at your eye.

You look like a badass. (FLUSTERED) *

I'm surprised to see you had it in me.

You. Had it in you.

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - "THE FIGHT" 22.
FINAL DRAFT (PINK) - 11/05/08

BARNEY SMILES AT HER.

BARNEY

Do you... want to touch it? *

HE POINTS TO HIS EYE AND SHE TOUCHES IT, HE WINCES.

SHE CLEARLY LIKES IT.

ROBIN

Oh my God, it's warm!

DOUG WALKS UP WITH A TRAY OF DRINKS. HE SETS THEM

DOWN AROUND THE TABLE...

DOUG

Victory drinks! Free. Free. Free.

Free. (THEN, TO MARSHALL) $7.50.

MARSHALL

Why do I have to pay?

DOUG

Because you don't got my back. These

guys got my back.

MARSHALL GOES FOR HIS WALLET. *

MARSHALL *

You know what, Doug? I'll gladly pay.

HE GETS HIS MONEY OUT AND SLAPS IT DOWN ON THE TABLE.

MARSHALL (CONT'D)

Because that's what grownups do. They

pay for their drinks, and they don't

get in fights. You know what I was

doing, while you guys were out there

being immature? Do you know what I

was doing?
HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - "THE FIGHT" 23.
FINAL DRAFT (PINK) - 11/05/08

BARNEY

Your nails?

THEY ALL CRACK UP.

MARSHALL

No. I'll tell you what I was doing--

TED

The relationship quiz in this month's

Cosmo?

THEY ALL CRACK UP.

MARSHALL

No. I was doing--

BARNEY *

Your best not to cry when Big comes *

back for Carrie at the end of the Sex *

and the City movie? *

MARSHALL *

No. Spoilers much? (THEN) I was doing-- *

ROBIN *

The captain of the football team 'cause *

he gave you his promise ring and you *

look so pretty in your open back *

Homecoming dress?

THEY ALL CRACK UP ONCE MORE. EVEN LILY A LITTLE

BIT THIS TIME.

LILY

Sorry.

CUT TO:
HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - "THE FIGHT" 24.*
FINAL DRAFT (PINK) - 11/05/08

23 INT. BAR - NIGHT (NIGHT 2) 23

(NARRATOR (V.O.), TED, BARNEY, ROBIN, WENDY, EXTRAS) *

TED, BARNEY AND ROBIN STAND NEXT TO THE BAR. *

NARRATOR (V.O.) *

After that, Uncle Barney and I had a *

great time.

BARNEY

...Sure, as I kicked him, he begged for *

mercy. But I didn't understand him. *

The only language I speak is pain. *

ROBIN *

(GAGA) Why don't we hang out more often? *

WENDY ENTERS. SHE BRINGS TED HIS HAMBURGER. *

WENDY *

Burger platter. Oh, you wanted no *

onions. (SHRUGS) Well, you can pick *

'em off.

SHE EXITS. *

TED *

(GRINNING) How great is this? Shoddy, *

indifferent service. Just like the *

old days. No longer am I the pathetic *

guy who got left at the altar. Now *

I'm a fighter. I'm trouble. I'm like *

Hemingway. *

(MORE)
HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - "THE FIGHT" 25.
FINAL DRAFT (PINK) - 11/05/08

TED (CONT'D)

I should go catch a marlin, or grow a *

beard, or have people call me Papa. *

Although, the thing with beards is I *

always get these ingrown hairs.

BARNEY *

You know what's good for that? An *

apricot sea scrub. *

TED *

You don't find that too drying? *

BARNEY *

You gotta moisturize first, Papa. *

Kiehl's has a hydrating cucumber mask-- *

ROBIN *

(LOSING WOOD) Talk more about kicking *

guys.

CUT TO: *

24 INT. LILY AND MARSHALL'S BEDROOM - NIGHT (NIGHT 2) 24

(MARSHALL, LILY)

MARSHALL LIES IN BED STARING UP AT THE CEILING.

HE'S FUMING.

MARSHALL

I hate those guys! Acting like they're

the manliest guys in the universe,

like they're... Crocodile Dundee and

David Hasselhoff.
HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - "THE FIGHT" 26.*
FINAL DRAFT (PINK) - 11/05/08

LILY
Those are the manliest guys in the
universe?
MARSHALL
I don't understand why they're getting *
all this attention. I'm the real hero *
here!
LILY *
(TURNED ON) Yeah, you are. *
SHE STARTS CLIMBING ON HIM. *
MARSHALL *
I'm serious! Woman, put it back in *
your pants!
LILY
Marshall, you are the man every boy *
should grow up to become and every *
girl should marry. (LIGHT BULB) You *
know what? I have two kids in my class *
who won't stop fighting. If you come *
to school tomorrow and tell them your *
story of choosing the path of non- *
violence, it might really set them
straight. And save me having to get *
up early to make a lesson plan. *
MARSHALL *
Alright. Okay. I'll set 'em straight. *

HE SMILES PROUDLY. *

CUT TO:
HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - "THE FIGHT" 27.
FINAL DRAFT (PINK) - 11/05/08

25 INT. LILY'S CLASSROOM - DAY (DAY 3) 25

(LILY, MARSHALL, BEN, ANDY, EXTRAS)
MARSHALL STANDS IN FRONT OF LILY'S CLASS WITH TWO *
SIMPLE HAND PUPPETS, A PANDA AND A KOALA BEAR. *
HE'S JUST TOLD HIS STORY.
ANDY
You're a wuss.
MARSHALL
What? No, Mahatma Panda and Martin *

Luther Koala are telling you this story *

to illustrate-- *
BEN
To illustrate that you're a wuss?
ANDY *
Why didn't you just fight those guys? *

Were you scared? *

BEN *
You're huge. You must weigh like a *

thousand pounds. *
MARSHALL *
I wasn't scared! And it's a baggy

sweater and I had a salty lunch so I'm

retain-- you know what? Shut up! *

BEN
Wuss! Wuss! Wuss!
ANDY
(TO BEN) You're as big a wuss as he is!

BEN

You take that back!

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - "THE FIGHT" 28.
FINAL DRAFT (PINK) - 11/05/08

ANDY

Come and get it!

THEY START FIGHTING. THE KIDS CHEER.

CUT TO:

26 OMITTED 26

27 INT. BAR - NIGHT (NIGHT 3) 27

(TED, BARNEY, AMANDA, ESMERELDA, GUY #1, GUY #2, EXTRAS)

TWO BEAUTIFUL GIRLS, AMANDA AND ESMERELDA, ARE

LISTENING TO A STORY.

AMANDA

Wow. So you just beat those guys up?

REVEAL TED AND BARNEY NURSING TWO OLD FASHIONED

GLASSES OF SCOTCH ON THE THE ROCKS. THEY'RE ACTING
LIKE TWO GEORGE PLIMPTONS HOLDING COURT FOR THEIR
ADORING FANS.

TED

Oh Amanda, were it so simple. You

see, hand to hand combat is about more

than just administering brute force on

your opponent, right B? It's a science -- *

the sweet science, as it were.

BARNEY

And yet, if I may, it's also an art.

A dance, really. Two men -- or women --

circling the pavement -- or mud pit --

locked in combat -- locked in combat *

but also making out a little... *

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - "THE FIGHT" 29.
FINAL DRAFT (PINK) - 11/05/08

ESMERELDA
Wait, I'm confused, what did those

guys do to deserve it?

BARNEY
Well, this may sound petty, but they

sat in our booth. *

TED *
Sat in our booth. *
BARNEY *
And nobody-- *
TED *
Nobody. *
BARNEY
Sits in our booth. *
HE GESTURES TO THE BOOTH... AND THERE'S TWO GUYS
SITTING THERE.
AMANDA
Uh oh. (TURNED ON) Are you gonna beat

those guys up?

TED
Um...
BARNEY
We sure are. Come on, Ted.
BARNEY HEADS OVER TO THE BOOTH. TED FOLLOWS.
BARNEY (CONT'D)
You two. Our booth. Get out. Now.
TED PULLS BARNEY ASIDE.

TED

What are you doing?

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - "THE FIGHT" 30.
FINAL DRAFT (PINK) - 11/05/08

BARNEY

Relax. We got Doug. Doug's got our

backs.

TED

Doug's not here tonight.

BARNEY

(TO THE GUYS) So can we get you

anything? Drinks? Cash? Those two

girls over there?

GUY #1 *

Are you Ted Mosby?

TED

Yeah.

GUY #2

And you're Barney Stinson?

BARNEY

(TO TED) They've heard of us. (TO THE

GUYS) It's cool, guys. We're going to *

let you leave with your asses unkicked. *

But run tell dat-- *

THE GUYS GET UP AND HAND TED AND BARNEY MANILA ENVELOPES.

TED

What's this?

GUY #2

You've been served.

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - "THE FIGHT" 31.
FINAL DRAFT (PINK) - 11/05/08

GUY #1

You're being sued for assault. Enjoy

your booth.

THEY EXIT.

BARNEY

Whew. That was close.

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT TWO

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - "THE FIGHT" 32.
FINAL DRAFT (PINK) - 11/05/08

ACT THREE

FADE IN:

28 INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT (NIGHT 4) 28

(TED, MARSHALL, BARNEY)

MARSHALL SITS AT THE TABLE WITH THE LAWSUITS IN

FRONT OF HIM. TED AND BARNEY STAND.

TED

Assault! They're suing us for assault?!

BARNEY

Well, it's just their word against

ours. They don't have a case.

MARSHALL

That depends. Did you tell anyone

about the fight?

FLASHBACK TO:

29 INT. BAR - FLASHBACK - NIGHT (FB/N-10) 29

(TED, BARNEY, EXTRAS)

TED AND BARNEY TELL THEIR STORY TO A SMALL CROWD.

TED

We totally beat up some guys. *

CUT TO:

30 INT. BAR - FLASHBACK - NIGHT (FB/N-11) 30

(TED, BARNEY, EXTRAS)

TED AND BARNEY HOLD COURT IN FRONT OF A LARGER CROWD.

BARNEY

We totally beat up some guys. *

CUT TO:
HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - "THE FIGHT" 33.
FINAL DRAFT (PINK) - 11/05/08

31 OMITTED 31
32 FOOTAGE OF LARRY KING 32
(BARNEY (O.S.))
LARRY KING'S SHOW. IT DOESN'T MATTER WHO THE GUEST
IS. THIS IS JUST FOOTAGE WE STEAL. LARRY LISTENS
TO A CALLER.
CHYRON: ON THE LINE - BARNEY STINSON, STREET FIGHTER,
NEW YORK CITY.
BARNEY (O.S.)
Hey, Larry, long time first time. We *

totally beat up some guys. *

BACK TO: *

33 INT. APARTMENT - BACK TO PRESENT (NIGHT 4) 33

(NARRATOR (V.O.), TED, MARSHALL, BARNEY, ROBIN) *
AS THEY WERE.
MARSHALL
Okay, you guys are screwed.
BARNEY
So what's the penalty for assault? Do

we pay a fine? Pick up trash on the

highway? Because I've done that before,

nah mean?
CUT TO MARSHALL. FREEZE FRAME. *
NARRATOR (V.O.) *
Now as a lawyer, Marshall knew the *

worst we were looking at was a small *

civil settlement, and probably no *

criminal charges. But he was really *

pissed at us.
HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - "THE FIGHT" 34.
FINAL DRAFT (PINK) - 11/05/08

MARSHALL *

I think you're looking at serious prison *

time.

BARNEY

Prison?!

TED

I can't go to prison! I mean, sure,

I'd get a lot of reading done, finally

write some short stories... work out

all the time. Seriously, if I don't

come out of there completely ripped--

BARNEY

Ted, we can't go to prison. People

get shivved in the joint. And the *

meals are really starchy! *

MARSHALL

Well, you should have thought of that

before you beat up those guys.

BEAT.

TED

What if we didn't?

MARSHALL

Didn't what?

TED

Beat up those guys. What if Doug beat

all those guys up himself and we didn't

do anything?
HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - "THE FIGHT" 35.
FINAL DRAFT (PINK) - 11/05/08

MARSHALL

I knew it! I knew it I knew it I knew

it. You didn't throw a single punch.

BARNEY

Uh, I hit Ted. And myself. So.

MARSHALL

Well, who's the wuss now? Answer: You

guys. And me too, but you guys are

also liars.

TED

Look, can you just help us get out of

this?

MARSHALL

Sorry. You know the old expression: If

you're not prepared to do the time don't

pretend to do the crime and then laugh

and get free drinks and not stand up for

your friend who incidentally has been in

plenty of fights with his brothers.

TED AND BARNEY LAUGH.

BARNEY

Look, Marshall, you got to help us

out. We're the Three Musketeers! If

I give up Ted, what kind of time am I

looking at?

ROBIN ENTERS.
HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - "THE FIGHT" 36.
FINAL DRAFT (PINK) - 11/05/08

ROBIN

Oh hey, Barney, I was looking for you.

I got tickets to this hockey game

tonight. It's stupid. You wanna go? *

It might go late. We could grab a *

drink after-- *

MARSHALL

Hey, Robin, get this. You know that

fight? These two faked the whole thing.

ROBIN

Oh you know what? Tonight's no good.

I can't go to the hockey game. I've

got that uh... that uh... that uh...

SHE SLOWLY BACKS OUT OF THE LIVING ROOM INTO HER ROOM.

ROBIN (CONT'D)

That uh... that uh... that uh...

SHE SHUTS THE DOOR AND NEVER FINISHES THE SENTENCE.

CUT TO:

34 INT. BAR - NIGHT (NIGHT 5) 34

(TED, MARSHALL, BARNEY, LILY, ROBIN, DOUG, EXTRAS)

TED, BARNEY, LILY AND ROBIN SIT IN THEIR USUAL BOOTH.

MARSHALL ENTERS AND SITS DOWN.

MARSHALL

Good news. I talked to them.

TED

Who?
HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - "THE FIGHT" 37.
FINAL DRAFT (PINK) - 11/05/08

MARSHALL

The guys you didn't beat up. Got them

to drop the lawsuit. Boom. Lawyered. *

BARNEY

What? You got them to drop it?

MARSHALL

Yeah, I just explained that you guys

are wusses. We had a good laugh about

that. A good long laugh, actually. I

told them about how (POINT AT BARNEY)

you get your chest waxed once a month.

BARNEY

(PROUD) Weekly, Mork. Some of us care.

MARSHALL

(POINTING AT TED) And how you played

the hammered dulcimer for the Pre-

Reformation Dance Society at Wesleyan.

TED

Did you at least tell them we were one

of the premier Mediæval chamber groups

in the Little Ivies?

MARSHALL

I did. And we all agreed it was far

more likely that one guy beat up the

three of them than that you two had

anything to do with it.

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - "THE FIGHT" 38.
FINAL DRAFT (PINK) - 11/05/08

TED

So now they're only suing Doug.

MARSHALL

Affirmative.

TED

Angry, irrational, violent Doug. Who

now knows we're the ones who threw him

under the bus.

THEY TURN TO LOOK AT THE BAR AND DOUG IS STANDING

AT THE BAR, TALKING ON THE PHONE.

DOUG

They what?!

HE TURNS AND GLARES DIRECTLY AT TED AND BARNEY. OH

CRAP.

HE WALKS OVER TO THEM, AND VERY COOLLY PLACES TWO

NAPKINS OVER THEIR DRINKS.

CUT TO:

35 EXT. ALLEY - MOMENTS LATER (NIGHT 5) 35

(NARRATOR (V.O.), TED, MARSHALL, BARNEY, LILY, ROBIN,
DOUG)

DOUG IS PISSED. THE GANG IS THERE.

BARNEY *

Okay, Doug, we can explain-- *

DOUG

Explain what? How you stabbed me in *

the back right to my face? *

LILY AND ROBIN WATCH FROM OFF TO THE SIDE. *

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - "THE FIGHT" 39.
FINAL DRAFT (PINK) - 11/05/08

LILY *

Robin, I'm scared. *

ROBIN *

Yeah. Is Doug seeing anyone? *

LILY *

Are you seeing anyone? 'Cause you *

really should. *

BACK ON THE GUYS. *

TED

Doug, you don't understand, you beat *

those guys up yourself.

MARSHALL

It's true. They had nothing to do

with it. I mean (TO TED) look at these

guys!

BARNEY RUNS FOR IT ALL THE WAY DOWN THE ALLEY.

BARNEY

It was all Ted!

MARSHALL CONTINUES, GESTURING TO TED.

MARSHALL

Look at this guy.

TED

Yeah, look at me!

MARSHALL

He wouldn't last five minutes in a

fight.
HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - "THE FIGHT" 40.
FINAL DRAFT (PINK) - 11/05/08

TED

Well... I think I could at least--

MARSHALL

He's got the muscle definition of

linguini.

TED

Yeah, linguini with meatballs maybe.

TED FLEXES A BICEP.

MARSHALL *

Ted, don't.

DOUG

Look, okay, fine, maybe it was just

me. In fact, that makes a lot of sense.

I do black out a lot. One time, I

came to, I got a shovel in my hands

and I'm just filling this hole with

dirt. No idea what that's about 'cept

the dog won't leave that spot alone.

But... you guys are my raygs. I always

got your back. All I ask in return is

that you got mine. But you don't got

it. You can't be counted on. (BEAT)

No wonder your fiancée left you.

WE SEE THIS LAND ON TED... AND THAT'S ALL IT TAKES. WE

GO INTO SUPER SLOW MOTION. TED GETS THE EYE OF THE
TIGER. HE MAKES A FIST, AND STARTS THROWING A PUNCH.
HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - "THE FIGHT" 41.
FINAL DRAFT (PINK) - 11/05/08

NARRATOR (V.O.)

And here it is, kids. The only fight

I've ever been in. So what can I share

about the experience? Well, for

starters, when you punch someone in

the face, it hurts your hand. A lot.

TED CONNECTS WITH DOUG'S FOREHEAD, AND IMMEDIATELY

REACTS IN PAIN.

NARRATOR (V.O.) (CONT'D)

But what hurts even more than that?

This...

THEN DOUG THROWS A PUNCH, KNOCKING TED OUT.

DISSOLVE TO:

36 EXT. ALLEY - A LITTLE LATER (NIGHT 5) 36

(TED, TED (V.O.), MARSHALL, BARNEY, LILY, ROBIN)

MARSHALL WAKES TED UP.

TED (V.O.) *

I woke up a few minutes later... *

MARSHALL

Hey. Are you okay?

BARNEY RUNS IN.

BARNEY

Okay, I'm all warmed up. Let's do *

this thing. *
HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - "THE FIGHT" 42.
FINAL DRAFT (PINK) - 11/05/08

TED (V.O.)

I felt pretty stupid. Turns out getting *

in a fight was a terrible idea. *

CUT TO:

37 INT. LILY'S CLASSROOM - DAY (DAY 6) 37

(NARRATOR (V.O.), TED, LILY, BEN, ANDY, EXTRAS)

WE REVEAL TED IS TELLING THE STORY OF THE FIGHT TO

LILY'S CLASS. HE HAS A BLACK EYE.

TED

And that's my story.

LILY

And what did you learn?

TED

I learned that fighting is bad and you

shouldn't do it ever.

LILY

Any questions?

ANDY

Yeah. Where do you find these people?

BEN

I know. Was there a big sale at the *

wuss store?

THE CLASS LAUGHS, THEN STARTS CHANTING "WUSS! WUSS!

WUSS!" BEN AND ANDY START FIGHTING. AS THE KIDS
CHEER AND LILY TRIES TO BREAK IT UP, ANGLE ON TED.
HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - "THE FIGHT" 43.
FINAL DRAFT (PINK) - 11/05/08

NARRATOR (V.O.)

Of course, I didn't tell those kids

what really happened.

FLASH TO:

38 EXT. ALLEY - FLASHBACK (NIGHT 5) 38

(NARRATOR (V.O.), TED, MARSHALL, BARNEY, LILY, ROBIN,
DOUG)

MARSHALL WAKES TED UP.

MARSHALL

Hey. Are you okay?

BARNEY RUNS IN.

BARNEY *

Okay, I'm all warmed up. Let's do *

this thing. (BEAT) What happened here? *

MARSHALL *

This happened. *

MARSHALL HOLDS UP DOUG'S TOUPEE. *

TED

Holy crap! You-- Oh my God!

REVEAL DOUG, ON THE GROUND, OUT COLD.

MARSHALL

Like I said, I used to fight with my

brothers.
HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - "THE FIGHT" 44.
FINAL DRAFT (PINK) - 11/05/08

NARRATOR (V.O.)

Yeah, turns out Uncle Marshall and his

brothers did a little more than just

rough-house...

FLASH TO:

39 INT. MARSHALL'S LIVING ROOM IN MINNESOTA - 39

FLASHBACK - NIGHT (FB/N-9)
(MARSHALL, MARCUS, MARVIN JR.) *

THE ROOM IS LIT LIKE IT'S A SCENE FROM FIGHT CLUB.

MARSHALL AND HIS BROTHERS ARE ALL SHIRTLESS AND
BRUISED AND BATTERED. WE SEE QUICK POPS OF THEM
HAVING A SERIOUS BRAWL...

MARCUS AND MARSHALL GRAPPLING AT EACH OTHER.

MARVIN BREAKING A LAMP OVER MARCUS'S HEAD.

MARVIN HAS JUST BEATEN UP MARCUS. MARSHALL SNEAKS

UP BEHIND HIM WITH A CUP OF COCOA.

MARSHALL

Cocoa break!

HE THROWS THE COCOA IN HIS FACE. MARVIN SCREAMS.

MARSHALL PUNCHES HIM. MARVIN GOES DOWN.

MARSHALL CROUCHED OVER MARVIN (OFF-SCREEN) PUMMELING

HIM MERCILESSLY, AS MARCUS LOOKS ON, LAUGHING AND
CHEERING.

BACK TO:

40 EXT. ALLEY - BACK TO SCENE (NIGHT 5) 40

(TED, MARSHALL, BARNEY, LILY, ROBIN)

ON LILY AND ROBIN.

ROBIN

Marshall looks good. Has he lost

weight?
HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - "THE FIGHT" 45.
FINAL DRAFT (PINK) - 11/05/08

LILY

(THREATENING) Bitch, don't even.

MARSHALL HELPS TED.

CUT TO:

41 INT. BAR - NIGHT (NIGHT 7) 41

(NARRATOR (V.O.), TED, MARSHALL, BARNEY, LILY, ROBIN,
DOUG, EXTRAS)

THE GANG DRINKS IN THEIR USUAL BOOTH. DOUG BRINGS

OVER SOME DRINKS - NO HARD FEELINGS.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

Kids, I'd love to leave you with the

message that fighting is bad and you

shouldn't do it. But I know that's

pointless. So I'll leave you with

this: when you do get in a fight, make

sure you have a best friend who always

has your back.

ANGLE ON: TED AND MARSHALL. THEY TOAST.

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT THREE

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - "THE FIGHT" 46.
FINAL DRAFT (PINK) - 11/05/08

TAG

42 OMITTED 42 *

43 INT. MARSHALL'S LIVING ROOM IN MINNESOTA - NIGHT 43 *

(NIGHT 8) *
(MARSHALL, LILY, MARCUS, MARVIN JR., EXTRAS) *

CHYRON: THANKSGIVING DAY. THREE TO FIVE YEARS LATER.

ANGLE ON A BEAUTIFUL TURKEY. PULL BACK TO REVEAL

THE FAMILY'S GATHERED.

IT'S MARSHALL, LILY, MARCUS, MARVIN AND THEIR WIVES. *

MARSHALL HAS A HALF BALD CAP ON -- IT'S STARTING TO *
GO. THERE'S A STROLLER IN THE BACKGROUND. *

MARSHALL

Wow. It's good to be home. Mom, Lily, *

you guys did a fantastic job. It looks *

delicious. "Good food, good meat,

good God, let's eat." Right? Okay,

here we go. Goggles on.

THEY ALL PUT ON THEIR SAFETY GOGGLES.

MARSHALL WHIPS OUT A LIGHTSABER AND FIRES IT UP.

IT'S KIND OF LOUD. MARSHALL HAS TO RAISE HIS VOICE.

MARSHALL (CONT'D)

So, I'm gonna carve and you guys pass

the plates, okay? Lily, white or dark?

LILY *

Dark. Honey, please be careful. *

HE SWINGS IT AROUND A COUPLE OF TIMES THEN BRINGS *

IT DOWN ON THE TURKEY. RIGHT AS HE DOES, WE... *

CUT TO BLACK.

END OF SHOW