Gender and Relationships

“A man is lucky if he is the first love of a woman. A woman is lucky if she is the
last love of a man.” – Charles Dickens

“We've begun to raise daughters more like sons... but few have the courage to
raise our sons more like our daughters.” – Gloria Steinem

Friendships
Friendships (Ch. 5 of Why Differences Matter)
GIRLS: Face-to-face (talking, going places, spending time together)
Self-disclosure (including secrets)
More intimate and personal
When stressed, gain strength through support of friends
Maintain more close-sex friendships
BOYS: Shoulder-to-shoulder (shared interest in game or activity)
Don’t want to hear each other’s secrets
More activity-centered
When stressed, want to be left alone
Friendship differences

Girls Boys

Friendships focus on … One another Shared interest in activity

Games and sports are An excuse to get together Often central to the relationship
…

Conversation is … Central to relationship Often unnecessary

Hierarchies and rank … Destroy the friendship Organize the camaraderie

Self-revelation is … A precious badge of To be avoided if possible

friendship
Taylor & Altman’s Social Penetration Theory (Ch. 6 of The Gender Communication Connection)
Two ways that communication paves the road to friendship: Breadth and Depth
Are there differences in male and female friendships?

At about age 3, we gravitate toward same-sex friendships

Same-sex female friendships are often expressive in nature, and tend to have breadth and
depth

Same-sex male friendships are often activity-focused, and tend to have breadth or depth
(usually more breadth) or have both breadth and depth but narrow versions of each

Mixed-sex, non-romantic friendships are often described as COMPLEX: often “expressing

the other half of selves,” so women find mixed-sex friendships to be more active in focus, and
men find them to be more expressive in focus. Women do less disclosing, and men do more
disclosing than they would in same-sex friendships. Men are less competitive, and rate their
mixed-sex friendships as more enjoyable than same-sex. Research on mixed-sex friendships is
often complicated by unreciprocated feelings or sometimes a physical relationships (“friends
with benefits”) that researchers might categorize differently than respondents
Some studies show these trend continues into adulthood; other studies show that the
types of friendships (shared confidences vs. shared activities) matters more; and other
studies show that women and men may be just as alike as we are different, and that
friendship is unique to the individuals

Family
“The family is the factory where the [gendered] person is made.” – Virginia Satir

What is the most important “life lesson” that you learned, whether intentionally or
unintentionally, directly or indirectly, early in life, from a same-sex parent/ guardian and
from an opposite-sex parent/ guardian?

Family is a
“network of people who share their lives over long periods of time; who are bound by
ties of marriage, blood, or commitment, legal or otherwise; who consider themselves as
family; and who share a significant history and anticipated future of functioning in a
family relationship.” – Galvin & Brommel
Research categorizes types of families:
• Nuclear/ traditional
• Dual worker/ dual career
• Blended
• Single-parent
• Live-in couples/ couplehoods
• Integrated/ adoptive families
• Extended/ Multigenerational
• Empty Nest/ Boomerang families
• Commuter families

Socialization processes in the family

Our family leaves its mark on us – influencing who we think we are, what we think we
can become, & how we communicate with others
• Symbolic Interactionism (Mind & Self)
• Freud’s Identification Theory
o Ego boundaries (Chodorow, 1989) – ability to separate self from the rest of
the world (females more permeable; males more clearly defined
boundaries)
• Messages conveyed by parents (Social Learning Theory, etc.)
o Verbal & explicit (rules, questions, preferences)
o Nonverbal reactions (encouraging & discouraging certain behaviors)
o Expectations (goals, chores, behaviors, autonomy, dependence)
o Toys (sex-stereotyped?)
o Modeling (division of labor, sex-role behaviors)

Do we agree with the following research findings?

It is in the family that we establish our
- sex roles,
- interaction preferences,
- attitudes toward power (and empowerment),
- attitudes toward intimacy,
- attitudes toward autonomy/ dependence,
- ability to empathize and relate to others
Mothers Fathers
Identify more with daughters Identify more with sons
Are more physically present Are more physically remote
Discourage aggression in daughters Reward aggression in sons
Use indirect commands Use direct commands
Receive more self-disclosures Relay importance of autonomy & achievement
Display more physical affection Are less physically expressive
Are more relationally oriented Are less relationally oriented
Exhibit more empathy Are less apt to empathize

Research studies consistently show that children of androgynous parents or those who
demonstrate less traditional roles/ behaviors tend to be less aware of stereotypes & less
inclined toward rigid sex-roles in their own behaviors (Gamble & Gamble).

Romantic Relationships: Dating & Marriage

Are women & men from “different planets?”

Major issue: Differences in styles/ goals of communication

End goal: To understand masculine & feminine styles and to appreciate each on its
own merits
Are these major issues/ differences in relationships?

• Talking about feelings

• Showing respect
• Defining romance/ sex/ love/ affection
• Recognizing importance of “second shift”
• Understanding differences in communication styles

Four primary dimensions in the research (described in detail below):

• Modes of expressing affection
• Need for autonomy & connection
• Responsibility for relationship monitoring (incl. secret tests) & maintenance
• Power & conflict dimensions
Alternate paths model
Assumptions:

Gender socialization is at the root of the differences between M/F styles of relating
Masculine socialization constrains men’s comfort level in verbal expression & limits their
opportunities to engage in this type of relationship talk
Men do express their emotions in ways that they understand & value, but in ways that
differ from women
Men develop a connection in doing/ sharing activities (Swain)
Differences also vary in providing support & comfort (to whom is comfort given & for what
reason – major stress or daily events)
Women are more expressive (talking = to share an intimate connection)
Men are more instrumental (talking = to address an issue or solve a problem)

Are the differences in styles based on cultural differences or different experiences?

Expressive ………………………………………………. Instrumental

Talking Doing

Relationships Activities

Overt affection Covert affection

Greater breadth & depth Narrower breadth & depth

Face-to-face interaction Side-by-side interaction

Five facets of intimacy (Schaefer & Olson, PAIR – Personal Assessment of Intimacy in Relationships)
1) Emotional 3) Sexual 5) Recreational
2) Social 4) Intellectual

General “prescription” for viewing differences:

Need to become “bilingual” in our communication, recognizing elements of both
instrumental & expressiveness in our communication

Can we re-shift our focus to see the good in the other?

What happens when gender varies from sex?
What is a woman’s style is more instrumental, or a man’s style is more expressive? How are
they viewed/ treated by members of same & opposite sex?
Cultural “script” for heterosexual relationships:

• Feminine women & masculine men are desirable

• Men should initiate, plan, & direct most activities early in a relationship, women moreso
later in the relationship
• Women should facilitate conversation & generally defer to men
• Men should excel in status and earning power, and women should assume primary
responsibility for the relationship, the home, and the children

Gender, sexual orientation, & race have been shown to influence this “basic” cultural script:

• Androgynous individuals often break from the script, demonstrating less rigid roles
• Less role playing in gay relationships & even less in lesbian relationships
• African American relationships tend to be more egalitarian & less defined by rigid roles

Gender orientations influence four primary dimensions of long-term love relationships:

1) Modes of expressing affection
2) Need for autonomy & connection
3) Responsibility for relationship monitoring & maintenance
4) Power & conflict dimensions

I- Modes of expressing affection

Relates fully back to differences in communication styles

How do we define “romantic?”

• Men tend to fall in love harder & faster than women
• Men more often say “I love you” first
• Men are more active, impulsive, sexualized, & game-playing
• Men see love as taking romantic trips, spontaneously making love, & surprising their
partners
• Men are more likely to mention lack of romance in a failed relationship as the cause of
the failure

• Women are more pragmatic & friendship-focused

• Women see love as extended conversations, sharing deep feelings, & physical contact
that isn’t necessarily sexual
• Women are more likely to mention lack of autonomy, openness, & equity in a failed
relationship as the cause of the failure

II- Need for autonomy & connection

Differences in priorities
 Leslie Baxter’s Relational Dialectical Theory
o Connection (interdependence) vs. autonomy (independence)
o Predictability (routine) vs. novelty
o Openness vs. closedness (protection)
o Passion vs. stability (more recent, focuses more on emotional aspect of relationships
than did predictability/novelty which focused more on behavior)

Dialectics generate friction that causes patterns of “demand-withdraw”

III- Responsibility for relationship monitoring & relational

maintenance

Women more likely to engage in “secret tests”

- Partner endurance - Partner trustworthiness - Partner commitment

Heterosexual couples tend to feel that women have the responsibility for keeping the
relationship on track

One study about predictors of divorce showed that women are the relationship makers &
breakers – they have to care about the relationship and its future as well as care for the
relationship in order for it to survive (Kirkpatrick & Davis). Androgynous couples & lesbian partners
who shared the relationship monitoring & maintenance reported the highest levels of
relationship satisfaction.
End result: Highest levels of couple satisfaction exist when both partners show an interest in &
share responsibility for the relationship’s success.

IV- Power & conflict dimensions

69% of fights in a relationship are never resolved – they just keep resurfacing
(www.scienceofpeople.com/couples-fight/)

• Free Time
• Money
• Housework
• Physical Intimacy
• Extended Family
Commitment, chores, social media, finances, work/life balance, substance abuse,
growing distant, sex, infidelity, parenting (www.businessinsider.com/most-common-fights-couples-have-
2017-12#the-bottom-line-11)

"Too much bickering will wear down any relationship. I've heard people say, 'This
relationship ended by death by a thousand paper cuts.’” – Rachel Sussman, relationship expert &
marriage counselor

“Second shift” in the home (Hochschild)

Differences in responsibilities & tasks

Psychological responsibilities

What is the situation in your home?

Modeling:

Men whose fathers were actively involved in home life tend to see homemaking as compatible
with masculinity
Women & men who had mothers who were successful in the paid labor force tend to see a
woman’s career success as consistent with femininity

Workplaces do not necessarily support men who take childcare responsibilities

Outcomes of unequal responsibility: stress, fatigue, susceptibility to illness, frustration,

resentment, & conflict

Gender ideologies:
Traditional ………………..Transitional ………………………Egalitarian

Conflict management strategies

Males tend to minimize problems or avoid conflict / women engage more in discussion but tend
to be indirect
In conflict situations, women tend to be more accurate about their partner’s position than vice
versa (Gamble)
In conflict management, Caryl Rusbult suggested that there are four basic responses to conflict:

Exit: a response that involves psychologically or literally leaving a relationship when conflict
surfaces

Neglect: a response that downplays problems or denies that they exist

Loyalty: a response of remaining quietly committed to a partner & relationship while doing
nothing to resolve problems that exist

Voice: a more active response, during which the sources of conflict are openly discussed

Over decades of research, Rusbult has found that …

Women
Typically use loyalty or voice to resolve differences
Tend to use indirect strategies & will compromise, accommodate, & submit to keep
relationship harmony
Are cooperative/ harmony as goal
If women used neglect or exit strategies, it was more detrimental to a relationship than if
men used them

Men
Are more likely to use exit or neglect
Tend to use less communication
Are competitive/ victory as goal
In sum, it is not so much the good, constructive things that the partners do in a relationship that
determines whether it works but whether or not they engage in destructive activities in relation
to problems.

Final thought:

Success in relationships has been linked to metacommunication (Gamble)

Primary Sources:
Gamble,T.K, & Gamble, M.W. (2014). The Gender Communication Connection (2nd ed.). New
York: Routledge. (Chapters 6,7,8)
Sax, L. (2017). Why Gender Matters: What Parents and Teachers Need to Know about the
Emerging Science of Sex Differences (2nd Ed.). New York: Harmony Books. (Chapter 5)
Wood, J.T. & Fixmer-Oraiz, N. (2017). Gendered Lives: Communication, Gender, and Culture
(12th ed.). Boston, MA: Cengage Learning.