The author reflects on the habit of automatically saying yes to requests without consideration, which stems from childhood conditioning. After missing an urgent request, they adopted a new practice of pausing before responding to assess their true willingness and capacity. This simple change has led to greater autonomy and alignment with their actual desires, ultimately enhancing their well-being.
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I Learned To Pause Before Saying Yes and Even No
The author reflects on the habit of automatically saying yes to requests without consideration, which stems from childhood conditioning. After missing an urgent request, they adopted a new practice of pausing before responding to assess their true willingness and capacity. This simple change has led to greater autonomy and alignment with their actual desires, ultimately enhancing their well-being.
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before saying yes -
and even tosay no
It was 6.18pm when the email pinged
through. The lasagne smelled decidedly
overcooked as I attempted to referee another
squabble between my kids. The cat litter
needed changing, and my cup of tea sat next
to the microwave, stone cold and grey. Still,
irresistibly, I was drawn to the screen. I read
the subject line: “Quick favour this evening,
if you have asec?” Without thinking I
started to reply: “Of course, no probl ...”
I didn’t reach the end of the sentence.
The smoke alarm started blaring. By the
time the house had fallen silent, [had
forgotten about the email.
The next morning - kids at school, cat
litter changed, hot coffee in hand - I read it
again. The urgency had passed. This request
had a deadline, and I had missed it. “Sorry
Icouldn’t help,” I typed, flushed with guilt.
The reply? “Don’t worry - I knewit was last
minute!” I breathed. I didn’t say yes - and
the world kept turning. It was the start of anew habit: to stop
saying yes on the spot. To pause and think
about whether I really want to first. ’'ve been
conditioned to say yes without stopping to
question it since I was a child. The echoes of
my formative years reverberate in my brain:
be kind, be agreeable, don’t be selfish.
Ihave spent decades dismantling these
unhelpful narratives and, more recently as a
therapist, helping others do that too. Ihave
made progress. But this - the automatic yes
-and with it the internal fight to turn down
arequest, to acknowledge when my plate is
full, to give myself permission to say no... it
felt like a hurdle that was too high to jump.
But what if I don’t have to say no upfront -
what if it’s enough to pause before I respond?
That’s what I tried, and the results changed
my life. Now, since that night a few years
ago, whenever someone asks me to do
something - a work enquiry, the PTA asking
for help, a favour from a friend - I tell them:
“Let me get back to you.” And then I leave it
- for anything from 10 minutes to two days.
It gives me space to pause and ask: do I want
to do this? Do I have the capacity? Is this yes
out of willingness, or guilt?
It’sasimple habit, but that doesn’t mean
it’s easy. The reflex to help, fix or please is
strong. There are moments I catch myself
drafting a reply before I’ve even registered
the question. But it’s like strengthening a
muscle I’ve never worked out before: it gets
easier with time, practice and repetition.
Since I started pausing, I still say yes
often. But in line with what I actually want,
rather than what I think I should do. It’s not
aloud change, but it’s one that’s giving me
more time, energy and autonomy. And
those things are worth more than other
people’s approval.
Nikki Allen
The Hideaway by Nikki Allen is published by
Pan Macmillan on 17 July
