I made fun of them for as

women weren't allowed to

drive and Saturday and I was
going in on it I'm like well
maybe you should let the
women Drive cuz you guys
drive like you know and then
sounds like oh my god this is
payback I'm gonna lose my
head and they're gonna blame
Isis or some right [Music]
super stoked to get this guy
everybody loves it one of the
biggest comments in the
world to be honest please give
it up for mr. Russell Peters
everybody I've been doing
standing for 27 years so and
when you're doing it this long
 and and you start to progress
things in your life changed
like my situation changed
from being this broke brown
kid in Canada to do an okay
kid in LA
now right or or old ass man
but whatever and I get to go
around the world that's the
beauty of what I do for a
living is I get to go around the
world and I go to places that
the American media tells you
not to go to because they
want you to be scared and
keep your mustache like that
so recently I was in the
Middle East I can't say which
country because I signed an
NDA but but I was there I did
a show in in this place in the
Middle East well I could say
this I was in the Saudi Arabia
and and it was very different
I'd never been to Saudi Arabia
before because I was always
scared to go to Saudi Arabia
everybody was like sorry
baby I'm like you and and
that's based on watching the
news in
America and I'm like boy you
better not go to Saudi Arabia
or they'll tie it at two different
camels and they'll make them
run away and I mean that
that's all you ever hear about
Saudi Arabia is that torture
 and beheadings and they kill
you and you watch what you
say and that's all true but but
you don't see it in the Middle
East it's very quiet so don't
don't tell anyone what we do
so anyway I do the show
they're great had a great time
there's 10,000 Prince's in
Saudi Arabia so there's a lot
of royalty just running around
Saudi Arabia so I do a show
I'm tripped out because when
I get on stage the audience is
segregated not not like this
not like hipsters on one side
and you know like but it's like
it's
women on one side and men
 on the other and because
they're not allowed to be
together and I was like why
can't the women be together
with the men there this is the
honest answer I got I thought
it was hilarious I go hey why
can't the women and the men
be together because they'll go
crazy want to everybody hey
it's not the men that are gonna
go crazy just so you're aware
of this these women are
lunatics apparently everybody
right so go all right a good
plan right and so we do the
show and then one of the
other princes who was a little
more higher up I guess in the
 prince hierarchy hears about
the show and tells the other
Prince I guess who's this
cousin and he goes I want to
private show with
Russell and then he comes to
me at the see they have this
little after-party for me and
you would think like you're
like alright you know cuz its
Saudi Arabia they're gonna be
like this mad they got the
doors closed two chicks in the
whole room and they're like
sisters of somebody in there
right you're like God come on
guy and then there's guys
guys are dancing with guys
it's not it's weird it's not like
but it's not like here you know
cuz over here in a minim
erika we've lost the idea of
what dancing is you know
white people have won the
dancing war I mean let's be
honest like when you go to
like an EDM thing
everybody's just jumping up
and down and nobody's
dancing anymore that means
white people
won and it's either that or
you're just ass everybody all
night and I mean then so
when I say the guys are
dancing on each other they're
not like here but I'll do it you
know like they're just I'm not
exaggerating there was a dude
doing a dance it looks like a
camel that's what that's what
his dead his dance was this
use the I was I guess that how
you pick up chicks over here
well well in the hump or two
you know and then so anyway
the other Prince calls this
prince and he's like private
show tomorrow and and then
my brother who's my
manager is like are well let
me talk to him and when you
sort the details out and I go I
go I go I'm scared about this
cuz we're already here and
you know we
already don't know enough
 about these people but honey
and then he comes over and
he talks to him and he's like
oh that's a lot of money and
so I go oh yeah we'll do that
show alright and then my
brother goes okay well we're
gonna need lights we're gonna
need the cameraman we're
gonna need the DJs we're
gonna need the opening act
and he's like no just Russell
and I'm like oh all right and it
goes has to be private event
and I go alright well can you
give me any information no
information I'm like well how
many people he goes it's a
very small party for the
 blintze and I'm like okay and
I'm thinking small alright
private thing maybe 50 200
people right I've done worse
27 years of stand-up I've
done shows where there's two
people in the audience I
literally put the mic down and
just sat with them I was like
it's stupid for me to try and
what are you do you know so
so I go how many people and
they go maybe 10 to 12 I'm
like oh come on guy right this
is ridiculous and then my
brother goes through to do
and I go that's a lot of money
yeah you're right let's let's do
it so I go to the palace the
next day right and I get there
and they put us in like a
waiting room and then they
this guy comes in it goes mr.
Dubey toes please and I and
my brother and I cuz you
know obviously he's got the
same last name hey we both
get up and he goes no no you
stay just him and and I'm
thinking graham gonna get
beheaded or some right cuz i
talked mad the night before
right i I made fun of them for
his women weren't allowed to
drive inside it's illegal for
women to drive inside Arabia
and I was going in on it I'm
like well maybe you should
 let the women Drive cuz you
guys drive like you know and
then it sounds like oh my god
this is payback I'm gonna lose
my head and they're gonna
blame Isis or some right so so
I go into this room and it's a
little ass room with a hundred
and ten inch TV and I walk in
and I figure cuz the TV say
this is the TV behind me I
walk in the room and I'm like
alright I guess I'll just stand in
front of this TV and do my
little jokes for these eleven
people that are here and I
walk in and then
the prince is sitting in the
middle of the room and he
 gets up and he goes hey
thanks for coming he doesn't
sound like how you're
thinking he's gonna look blue
the blue them to attend my
friends you know he's like
hey thanks for coming and
I'm like what the happening
right now like Ashton
Kutcher is gonna come out ha
ha so he goes he goes sit
down Russell please sit down
so I sit down and I just start
making fun of everybody in
the room literally like I'm like
you BAM you BAM then and
then the prince is like feeding
me lines that guy owns
camels and I'm like dude
 camel guy and how's it going
and then I don't know if that's
the greeting or the dance right
so you know the the prince
I'm making fun of my I'm
starting I start making from
the prince I got a I got a little
carried away and I knew
when I was getting carried
away because I already went
everybody else no problem
but then the Prince says to me
there's a guy sitting beside me
and he goes hey Russell that
guy has one of the only
brown diamonds in the world
and I go what the is a brown
diamond he goes show him
show him the guy takes off
his ring and he's got this little
tiny ass brown diamond on a
ring right and I go oh cool
and I go to put it on my hand
and it wouldn't go past my
pinkie nail and I'm like how
smaller your hands and I look
at the prince and I go this
guy's got childlike hands and
the prince starts laughing and
then as a as a joke I grabbed
the guy's wrist right and I
have friends that are
magicians and they taught me
how to take a watch of
somebody's wrist so I grabbed
his wrist and I unlock his
watch and I pull it off and I
go how small your wrist and
then I go oh wow nice watch I
go what is that a Richard
Mille a goes knows who blow
and I go hone ice I go here
goes keep it and I'm like okay
buddy so I put I put the watch
on and I'm doing I start
talking again that about ten
minutes later I go hey man
here's your watch he goes no
no I give to you and I'm like
what the so I start getting
comfortable right I'm cuz now
I feel like I've done my job
everybody's laughed in this
room and then the prince goes
come on
let's eat and I go alright let's
eat so we go to this other
 room to eat and I'm sitting
there and I go hey man
where's the guy that gave me
the watch he goes oh he left
and I go but I've got his watch
and he goes he gave it to you
and I go alright and he goes
that's how it is in Saudi
Arabia if you come if you like
something we have and you
say I like that we have to give
it to you and I go wow this is
the best palace I've ever been
in didn't work doesn't work
on real estate apparently I
should have complimented
the rolls-royce they sent to
pick me up in the goddamnit I
that went up right so so I
started you know the prince is
really cool so I start talking to
him I'm like yo did you know
Osama
bin Laden cuz he was from
South Arabia and I go did you
know sama bin Laden goes
well I didn't know him but I
know his family I go really he
goes yeah I mean he's much
older than I am I go yeah I
guess that makes sense cuz it
but his family is a very
prominent family here in
Saudi Arabia they're there the
they built Saudi Arabia they
were the construction
company that built it he goes
he went crazy he went that
 way and the family was this
way and he was mad at Saudi
Arabia and he was mad at his
family so he went a little
cuckoo and then I was like
that's amazing because he's
very have you think about the
breakdown of Osama bin
Laden he's very similar to
Donald Trump
he's he's the spoiled brats
billionaires son of a developer
who's mad at everybody so I
go I go it goes yeah his family
is very nice actually and I go
really goes do you want to
meet his brother and I'm like
yeah I wanna meet his brother
so so he goes okay he says to
 some random I don't know
what he's saying but okay
sure right and then so the next
day I get this call at my hotel
and they send the car the the
prince sends a car for me and
he go what's this for he goes
oh you said do you want it to
go see Saudi Arabia so he
sent a car so he can go around
and see everything and he
walks out with me and he's on
his phone he's like uh-huh uh-
huh and he goes hey do you
still want to meet osama's
brother and I'm like yeah he
goes okay one sec here oh my
god what's this and I won't
say with the guys first name
 cuz you know that'll give it
away but uh but it says blank
bin Laden on the phone right
and I'm like I go what's this
he goes it's Osama's brother
and I go holy so I go hello
and it goes and that's exactly
here's what you're expecting
right Osama bin Laden's
brother to go on the one leg
bro son what are you doing
infidel right I go hello and
this is what I hear on the other
end hey Russell I go it goes
yeah it's yeah I'm blah blah
blah bin Laden I go yeah and
see that on the phone he goes
first of all me tell you a big
fan of your stuff and I'm like
 what the good is going on
over here
right and he's like um how
long you in town for go I'm
leaving today cuz yeah I'm
flying back tonight uh man
I'm gonna miss you hey stay
in touch with me take my
number and I'm like what
yeah take my number and I
go alright and I go just so you
know your name's going in is
Dave Smith on my phone
thank you guys you were
great [Applause].

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