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Madness or Knowing the Unbearable
Truth

Madness or Knowing the Unbearable Truth offers readers a narrative of the rela-
tionship between a therapist and her patient who desperately wants to discover
her past. With no memory and no way of knowing what was real, her long ther-
apeutic journey was to last 26 years, half her lifetime. Her only reality was the life
she lived in the presence of her therapist. The narrative unfolds to reveal a story of
horrific events that must be hidden, yet can no longer be kept secret. It sheds light
on how chronic long-term traumatisation within a closed family circle can create
madness in a vulnerable and lonely child, and helps the reader gain an under-
standing of the enigmatic phenomena of Dissociated Identity Disorder.
Having been terrorized into silence, destroying her ability to use language
in a house of secrets and lies, the therapy reveals how this patient struggles to
come out of her autistic-like state in search of ways to find her past, her “self”
and her voice. In this struggle, the reader becomes an audience exposed to the
birth of dissociative personae who come forth to tell her story. As language
slowly unfolds, she begins to share a first-hand account, albeit in written
form, of the most complex psychological forces involved in a victim of incest
who simultaneously loves, hates and is terrorized by her lover–father.
Through live vignettes, it demonstrates how external violence can create
inner violence that threatens to annihilate the soul, leaving only a body to
survive. The book provides an original contribution to our understanding of
the complex psychological forces involved in incest, featuring the patient’s
own, coherent written texts, mediated by her therapist. The former’s remark-
able insights represent essential reading for all readers involved in policy
development for the protection of children at high risk of suffering abuse.

Tova Zaltz is a clinical psychologist and a psychoanalyst, member of the Tel

Aviv Institute of Contemporary Psychoanalysis, with a private practice near
Jerusalem, where she works with people of all ages. She has treated and
supervised individuals, groups and staff in private and public institutions,
including children with learning difficulties, high-risk families, as well as
bereaved families. Tova has extensive experience in the development of psy-
choanalytic thinking within educational systems.
“This is a most striking account where different phases and happenings are
recorded not in the mind but in bodily formations. For any therapist working
with bizarre forms of psychosis this is an inspiring book.”
–Neville Symington, author, Narcissism: A New Theory, The Making of a
Psychotherapist, Becoming a Person through Psycho-Analysis and
co-author of The Clinical Thinking of Wilfred Bion (Routledge)

“This stunning book is destined to become a classic. The story of this

patient’s journey is gripping, touching and overwhelming as it probes various
depths of the most profound suffering in the face of ultimate human cruelty,
the patient’s brilliantly creative – bordering on and including deranged –
psychological strategies of survival, and the exquisite sensitivity of the thera-
pist to unconscious processes along with deep caring and respect for her
patient.”
–Israel W. Charny, PhD, author, Psychotherapy for a Democratic Mind:
Treatment of Intimacy, Tragedy, Violence and Evil

“What a wonderful book Tova Zaltz has written. A detailed portrayal of a

twenty year journey in therapy engaging madness within and madness with-
out. Profound engagement with psychic reality opened doors of violent abuse
in childhood mirrored by the patient’s aggression turned against herself. This
book is packed with rich psychological themes expressed in moment to
moment interaction. One comes through, with Tova and her patient, chal-
lenges of working together and the need to grow.”
–Michael Eigen, PhD, author, Faith, Contact with the Depths, and The
Challenge of Being Human

“This is a rare book – I am not aware of any other that provides a detailed
and respectful clinical account of a twenty-six year psychoanalytic treatment
of a woman with Dissociative Identity Disorder. This is written by a brave
and significant newcomer to the field with lyrical and painful openness and
rigour who has honed her understanding through the encounter and fulfils the
wish of the patient to be remembered.”
–Valerie Sinason, PhD, MACP, MInstPsychoanal, Founder Director Clinic
for Dissociative Studies, 2016 ISSTD Lifetime Achievement Award
Madness or Knowing the
Unbearable Truth

A Psychoanalytic Journey in Search of Sanity

Tova Zaltz
First published 2019
by Routledge
2 Park Square, Milton Park, Abingdon, Oxon OX14 4RN
and by Routledge
52 Vanderbilt Avenue, New York, NY 10017
Routledge is an imprint of the Taylor & Francis Group, an informa business
© 2019 Tova Zaltz
The right of Tova Zaltz to be identified as author of this work has been
asserted by her in accordance with sections 77 and 78 of the Copyright,
Designs and Patents Act 1988.
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reprinted or reproduced or
utilised in any form or by any electronic, mechanical, or other means, now
known or hereafter invented, including photocopying and recording, or in any
information storage or retrieval system, without permission in writing from the
publishers.
Trademark notice: Product or corporate names may be trademarks or registered
trademarks, and are used only for identification and explanation without intent
to infringe.
British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data
A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library
Library of Congress Cataloging in Publication Data
Names: Zaltz, Tova, author.
Title: Madness or knowing the unbearable truth : a psychoanalytic journey in
search of sanity / Tova Zaltz.
Description: Abingdon, Oxon ; New York, NY : Routledge, 2018. | Includes
bibliographical references.
Identifiers: LCCN 2018022710 (print) | LCCN 2018031480 (ebook) | ISBN
9780429449338 (Master eBook) | ISBN 9781138327283 | ISBN 9781138327283
(hardback) | ISBN 9781138327290(paperback) | ISBN 9780429449338(ebk)
Subjects: LCSH: Multiple personality--Patients--Biography.
Classification: LCC RC569.5.M8 (ebook) | LCC RC569.5.M8 Z35 2018 (print) |
DDC 616.85/236--dc23
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2018022710

ISBN: 9781138327283 (hbk)

ISBN: 9781138327290 (pbk)
ISBN: 9780429449338 (ebk)

Typeset in Times New Roman

by Taylor & Francis Books
For ‘Caroline’
one of the speechless victims of a world without mercy,
who trusted me enough to be able to tell her story.
This page intentionally left blank
Contents

Acknowledgements ix

Introduction 1

PART I
Creating a safe place inside 5
1 In the beginning – a stone 7
2 Separating inside from outside 19
3 Take out the badness, I want to be loved 33
4 From dead ends to DID 49
5 An alternative way to communicate: Written language 62
6 How can I know that we are real? 79
7 The story of incest: Keeping it all in the family 89
8 The danger of the good object 98
9 On incest, blindness and paranoia 108
10 The hospital dream: A place to bring the madness 119
11 The silence is not to be battled – but understood 124
12 The death of Dad: Loneliness 131
13 On pimps and prostitution 139
14 When trauma has no witness 150
viii Contents

PART II
Living the past in the present: dying, to get somewhere 155
15 Enactment instead of memory 157
16 From “hanging the doll” to “death by hanging” 175
17 The cult dream 185
18 Alice in Horrorland 196
19 The mysterious garden 203

PART III
From inside to outside: choosing life 209
20 Thou shalt not tell 211
21 From pregnancy to birth 219

Epilogue 235
Bibliography 246
Index 250
Acknowledgements

Each of my supervisors contributed immeasurably with their experience and

wisdom to my development as a psychoanalyst. I know that I often presented
them with challenges they had not previously confronted. Each, in her and his
special way, met these challenges in a way that gave me confidence, trust and
a strong belief that where two thinking hearts meet a way can be found. My
deep gratitude goes to them – in chronological order: Bat Sheva Adler,
Neville Symington, and Hanni Biran.
To my friends and colleagues Dr Shlomit Cohen and Nezer Dai who were
always there to challenge my thinking and help me find my own voice, I am
most appreciative. I am most grateful and feel lucky to have such good col-
legial friends who read the text with love, fruitful input and much encour-
agement: Ahuva Schul, Judy Katz-Charny, and Sara Haramati. Rhona
Strauss, in addition to her psychological insights, was of immense help in the
language editing of the final version of this book. Hannah Groumi made the
preparation for publication of all the technical editing aspects feel doable in a
way I did not imagine possible.
A source of invaluable support throughout the years was my own analyst,
Tirza Sandbank. Without her understandings I would not have been able to
survive all the madness projected into me by my psychotic patient. Her belief
in me and in my ability to write this book made it into a reality. Tirza was
always there for me: in moments of fear, in moments of doubt in my ability to
treat Caroline and at times depression threatened to overwhelm me for fear I
had taken on something I could not do. Knowing she was there with desire to
read the text and give live feedback was having that “special someone to write
to” in moments of extreme loneliness.
Most of all, I am indebted to my husband, Yossi Zaltz, who supported me
throughout the years while I treated Caroline in a way that at times put strain
on our relationship. Without his love and devotion to myself and our three
children – Yuval, Amit, and Yifat – our family would not have become the
strong unit that it is.
Especially, I thank my brave, courageous patient for allowing me into her
mind where I learnt so much about the vicissitudes and complexity of human
x Acknowledgements

nature. At the same time, by taking me on this journey in search of sanity she
reinforced and renewed my appreciation for the irreplaceable power of the
written word. Her insistence that I write this book, which allowed for the
inclusion of her brilliant and amazing texts that I thought needed to be
revealed to the world, were the main motivating force that made this happen.
Introduction

Bernardo: How now Horatio! You tremble and look pale:

Is not this something more than fantasy? What think you on’t?
Horatio: Before my God, I might not this believe
Without the sensible and true avouch
Of mine own eyes. …
Let us impart what we have seen to-night
Unto young Hamlet; for upon mine life this spirit
Dumb to us will speak to him.
W. Shakespeare: Hamlet: Act I, scene I

This book is about recovery.

The dictionary defines recovery as:

1 the regaining of or possibility of regaining something lost or taken away.

2 the process of becoming well again after an injury or illness.

The need to write this book is to allow my recovery after having spent 26
years together in one room, sharing one small physical space in therapy
with a patient who was often psychotic. Caroline, the name I will give my
patient, came to therapy to recover her memory. She claimed to have no
memories. We called it psychotherapy and so it was. But nothing I had
studied in my psychoanalytic training nor experienced with other difficult
patients had prepared me for what I was to experience with Caroline. The
book describes her expressed reason for coming, what she suffered from and
how this therapy evolved and how we suddenly had to end our meetings
quite abruptly so that what was actually uncovered (recovered – found) in
the therapy would not lead to her death but would allow her to live. Yes, I
became convinced that there was real danger, were we to continue to meet.
While for most of the time everything that happened in the therapy was
subjected to doubt about its reality, what was uncovered in the analysis and
the consequent repercussions in her encounter with reality, put Caroline in
real danger.
2 Introduction

This book is also about believing, believing one’s patient. Can someone
who is outside the experience believe that what has happened is true rather
than “not something more than fantasy”? Shakespeare, in the above quote,
lets us feel through Horatio’s experience, that now that the ghost of Ham-
let’s father had been seen by his own eyes, he could be convincing enough
to share this with Hamlet. He also knew that the ghost would only speak to
the heart of Hamlet. It took years of therapy before Caroline could feel
trust in my listening heart. As will be described, her psyche developed the
rare defensive mechanism of Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) and
“lived with” a persona that forbade her to speak. Only when conditions
were made safe for the entry of another Persona – a little girl in the same
body of Caroline, could language be used to speak of the past horrors. My
experiences with Caroline were often so overwhelming and felt “unbelie-
vable” that I actually introduced a camera into the therapy so as to have
“proof” at times of the horrors revealed. I, too, would experience the con-
cern that I might not be believed.
On the stage, Hamlet can see and speak with the ghost of his dead father
who tells him about the hidden crimes of the past. In the art of fiction – a
ghost can be portrayed in various artistic ways and a well written narrative
can arouse a strong sense of conviction about the truth of historic events. But
in fiction there is no need to deal with the question, “Did it really happen?”
But when the patient comes to therapy with a need to find her truth – how
does this happen? How is one to convince the therapist that a crime has been
committed and needs to be acknowledged? In her most unusual way Caroline
“created” a ghost that would talk to her therapist, myself, and even convince
me of her truth. One of the endeavours of this book is to try and share this
uncanny experience.
Shakespeare knew how to write the dialogue between Hamlet and the
ghost. I had never thought of myself as a play writer but when I met “the
ghosts of the past”, in vivo, as it were – I found myself, of necessity playing
parts in a drama and needing to invent spontaneously “appropriate” dialogue
I had had no training for. This “technique” of working with dissociated selves
that appear “unexpectedly” in therapy, born spontaneously from my experi-
ence, may be helpful to others dealing with this unusual phenomena of DID.
I have given extensive vignettes so as to share this unusual experience.
Hamlet’s father’s ghost’s last words to Hamlet are: “Hamlet, remember
me” (Act I, V). The murdered king’s ghost will not rest until the hidden
crime is dealt with. Caroline thought it might be important to remember
her past so as to make sense of her present. There was an internal drive
that awoke in her after having been dormant most of her life. With this
request she came to therapy – to search for her truth, to know who she was
and from whence she came.
Perhaps there is some deep unconscious need to have the truth known
about atrocities that have been witnessed yet hidden. Dori Laub, a
 Introduction 3

psychoanalyst and Holocaust survivor, writes about his experiences with

holocaust survivors in the chapter titled: The Imperative to Tell:1

The survivors did not only need to survive so that they could tell their
story; they also needed to tell their story in order to survive. There is, in
each survivor, an imperative need to tell and thus to come to know one’s
story, unimpeded by ghosts from the past against which one has to pro-
tect oneself. One has to know one’s buried truth in order to be able to live
one’s life.

Hamlet took the command to remember his father to mean a search for jus-
tice via the action of revenge resulting in a tragic end. Fortunately, Caroline
turned to therapy in her need to remember. But this road was not devoid of
violence. For the violence of the past had to be revived in the present for it to
be known and believed.
When I agreed to join Caroline in her search I had no idea, in her words,
“what I was getting into”. I found myself walking on dangerous ground and
looked for those who could help. Sometimes, I found support in books, and the
knowledge that I had a supervisor who would listen to my anguish was an
invaluable source of learning and support always. But most of the time, as in
most therapies, the struggle to survive and to find meaning in the chaos, was
something to be done alone, just by my patient and me. But this was often too
lonely a road. In a search for deeper understanding and a containing environ-
ment, I joined the psychoanalytic institute2 where I could be in a milieu where
understanding the strange workings of the mind was a primary concern.
When Caroline first appeared in my clinic I was a relatively novice therapist
and in the 26-year journey in which I joined her search for sanity I often
found myself falling down the hole into chaos and darkness with her. I am
sure I often blundered, causing both of us much pain and confusion. I am
sure if I were to treat her today, with all the knowledge acquired over the
years, including much through the recent literature on the phenomenon of
DID, some things I would do differently but I doubt we would have suffered
less pain. I do believe that part of the healing process was due to my allowing
her to “use me” therapeutically for her needs. It is this complex process that I
will try and share in this book.
In this respect, this book describes the way it was – the way one particular
therapist did psychoanalysis inside her clinic with one particular patient. It is
not necessarily a recommendation about how things should be done, but
rather the sharing of how it was.
What contributed to my ability to share such intimate and exact texts from
inside the privacy of the clinic was the fact that Caroline very much wanted
everything written down so as to have a concrete record of our work together
and her last, but often repeated, request of me was that I should write her
story. Perhaps this is her way of saying: “Remember me!”
4 Introduction

This book is our story. But Caroline also wanted to find her voice to sound
the cry for many who cannot speak, living in homes where violence reigns
behind closed doors.

Notes to reader
1 Since Caroline spoke in a very unusual way, with gaps and breaks
between her words, I have designated this in the written text by separat-
ing some of the words with dots: …
2 This way of speaking was relatively consistent throughout the therapy but
so as not to burden the reader with this disquieting visual effect I have
only written in this form on occasion.
3 Caroline often brought me texts to read. When these texts were her own
writing, the beginning and end will be denoted by the sign ~ and the text
will be in a different font.
4 Since there is a lot of dialogue in this book and it is difficult to transmit
changes in tone of voice in a purely visual way, I have chosen to emphasis
certain words by use of italics to stress a point.
5 The words “therapy” and “analysis” were used interchangeably in the
text meaning: “treatment”. When I began the treatment I was a novice
therapist and became a psychoanalyst in the process. I do not go into the
differences in meaning allocated to these terms.
6 In Chapter 2 poems written by the patient are quoted. All the misspelled
words are intentional, representing puns and play on words.

Notes
1 Felman, S. & Laub, D., (1992). Testimony: Crisis of Witnessing in Literature, Psy-
choanalysis and History. London: Taylor & Francis.
2 In 2007 I joined the Tel Aviv Institute of Contemporary Psychoanalysis (TAICP) as
a candidate.
Part I

Creating a safe place inside

This page intentionally left blank
Chapter 1

In the beginning – a stone

I knock at the stone’s front door.

“It’s only me, let me come in.
My world is worth returning to.
I’ll enter and exit empty-handed.
And my proof I was there
Will be only words,
Which no one will believe”.
I knock at the stone’s front door.
“It’s only me, let me come in”.
“I don’t have a door,” says the stone.
From Conversation with a Stone by Wislawa Symborska

Timeline: the first 11 years

There was actually nothing very unusual about the way she looked. A
little on the thin side, dressed casually in slacks and a buttoned shirt, that
unisex dress that was quite fashionable at the time, her features being on
the delicate side. If I would have passed her on the street I would not
have taken notice of her since there was nothing to notice. Actually, there
was nothing in her appearance or in her general manner at the time of
our first meeting that gave me any sense that I would spend the next 26
years with Caroline, often five times a week. The room would become the
stage for madness, enactments of atrocities and appearance of dissociated
personae.
For the purposes of this book, and to preserve her anonymity, I have
called my patient Caroline. Other details have been changed to protect
her identity. Since I now know that for most of this period, Caroline, then
in her late twenties, was to be in a psychotic transference, saying almost
nothing and being as immobile as a sphinx, I will relate here in detail the
information I received from her in these first sessions. Because all too
soon she would fall silent, saying nothing that would resemble normal
language.
8 Creating a safe place inside

Deciding to start therapy

Caroline came to therapy when she was in her late twenties, after having had
what was, for her, an unusual experience. She had had an emotional outburst
at work. This happened after a man came to visit a colleague at work with
whom she shared her office. She became very upset, ran home, cried and
would not come back to work for a long time, even after her colleague and
boss tried to persuade her to do so. This emotional outburst was very unusual
for Caroline. She had never behaved like this and she was unable to make
sense of it. Her friend gave her a book about childhood abuse and as she read
it, Caroline had a thought that perhaps she had suffered some form of abuse
in childhood, although she had no memory of such a thing. She hoped ther-
apy might help her find out.
The only reason Caroline thought that she might have been abused was that
she realized that her response to the incident at work was way out of pro-
portion but it was the first time she felt her feelings were real. I understood
that that meant that most of the time Caroline behaved in a very rational,
unemotional way and that this emotional outburst had been quite out of
character for her and very distressing. When I tried to understand what she
meant by things not feeling real, she quoted the line from the Simon and
Garfunkel song: “I am a stone – a stone feels no pain”. She reported that
while reading the book on sexual abuse she felt some anxiety and distress, and
she said this was also unusual for her. She was worried that she might believe
the fantasy that she had been abused by her father.
The sentences just written sound quite clear and coherent. However, over
the years I would come to realize that most of the time Caroline does not
“feel” at all and not feeling contributed to her overall sense of unrealness. To
me, as I assume for most people, to feel real most of the time seems so
obvious that to realize that for Caroline this was a constant uncertainty took
me years to understand experientially, to think of and eventually to con-
ceptualize. I think, at first, I probably wasn’t quite sure if I believed her. It
was only after many years of therapy that Caroline would reveal to me that
most of the time the reality of the therapy itself was in doubt for her. At the
time she revealed it, she already knew that I believed her.

Background
Caroline was born into a Christian family in an English-speaking country.
She is the second of four children. All her siblings seem to have problems in
interpersonal relationships, living lonely lives, although all are very well edu-
cated and highly intelligent, and have high-status professional jobs. Caroline
herself also holds degrees in higher education, and works in a very intellec-
tually demanding profession where she has minimal contact with other
people. When I first met her she was working on her doctoral thesis at a
 In the beginning – a stone 9

prestigious university. She was not sure if she would continue working on her
thesis since she explained she disliked interacting with people and the dis-
sertation would involve conducting interviews and discussing her work with
others. She lived alone and said she preferred it this way, saying she disliked
being observed by others. When she first came, she said that until now she
had been a relatively happy person, never feeling anything. She had a way of
turning emotional pain into something she “brushed off” and thus any hurt
was quickly made insignificant. She said she kept her mind closed and did not
allow herself to think. She led me to believe that, for her, thinking itself was
not really desirable. If it hadn’t been for the incident of her unexplained
emotional outburst it is doubtful that she would have sought therapeutic help.
Caroline said she really had very few memories she could tell me, only two
that she could think of that she “knew to be real”. They were of events in
childhood when she had been physically hurt by accidents – once when she hit
herself with a sports bat in school and another time when she had fallen off a
wall. These events seemed particularly important to her because of the
accompanying thought she had: “Now Mom will pay attention to me” and
then another thought: “Now she’ll have to believe me.” When I asked about
the significance of this for her she said that usually her mother would “brush
her off” and if Caroline asked her questions about what to do with things, or
where to put them she would mock and humiliate her with comments such as
“Go put it in the bath”. About her father, she said that she hated him coming
home and intruding on her togetherness with her mother. She seemed to insist
on using the words Mom and Dad, and not father or mother and not being
able to explain why she did this. She also said that when she was with her dad
in the car she always wanted him to fall out of the car, but she could say
nothing about why this was so. She did say that he spoke very little, often not
even responding to questions he might be asked
Caroline grew up as a lonely child with no friends at all. Her only attach-
ment was to her mother and it sounded quite complex. There were hints of
sado-masochistic elements. Her mother used her as a confidante to complain
about her misfortunes, mainly about her relationship with her non-commu-
nicative husband (Caroline’s father) and various physical ailments of the
rheumatic kind. Her family were active members of a devout Christian com-
munity. Caroline’s relationship towards both her mother and religion were
characterized by feelings of guilt. She said that she was not able to reveal the
truth to her mother that she only pretended to take an interest in what her
mother spoke about, whether religion or physical ailments. She also seemed
disturbed by the fact that she pretended to take on board her mother’s reli-
gious preaching.
When I had only known Caroline for a few months, her parents actually
came to visit her in Israel and she very much wanted me to meet them.
Although I met the three of them together only once this scene is as fresh in
my mind as though it happened yesterday. Her mother was an attractive and
10 Creating a safe place inside

very verbal, talkative woman who seemed very self-involved. She spoke the
whole time, never pausing to get a response from her captive audience,
while Caroline and her father did not say a single word. They sat next to
each other in total silence, looking very much alike. I recall thinking that
perhaps the father was schizophrenic and the mother’s talking might be
covering up for that. Her mother either seemed oblivious, or in denial, to
any of Caroline’s difficulties. She described her daughter’s childhood and
adolescent development as normal, a good student. She seemed totally
unconcerned that Caroline had never had any friends. However, she did
express a complaint that Caroline used to cling to her physically for many
years, demanding physical contact such as hugs and kisses. I was quite
shocked by her when she described to me that when her children asked
about how babies were born, she indicated that she concretely showed them
where babies come from! I was left speechless, fearing for a moment that
she might demonstrate her actions to me! This memory of such a literal
way to deal with complex issues and the mother’s apparent taking this for
granted that this was normal, remained with me.
Without yet knowing much about Caroline’s background, this single meet-
ing with her parents left me with the uneasy feeling that she had grown up in
a house of madness where the concrete could be substituted for the symbolic
and where both silence and, or, verbal flooding substituted for true
communication.
In addition to the specific reason of the incident at work, one of the main
reasons for Caroline’s wanting therapy, was that she had recently, for the first
time, found a friend. This was the colleague at work who had witnessed her
emotional outburst. This aroused in her “a wish to be loved and be able to
love in return”. She added that now she felt she was “allowed to want that”
and she sounded like she was quoting a sentence from a poem or song. She
denied wishing for any physical contact with her friend; anything physical she
experienced as abusive. I soon learnt that this was quite extreme, for example
she would not answer the phone for fear of being penetrated – she experi-
enced her ear as a hole by which unwanted things from the outside could
enter her! The only way she would use the phone was if she had total control
such as setting up specific calling times with her family. (This was in the pre-
cell phone era where the only way to identify the caller was by answering.)
I was soon to learn that though Caroline outwardly seemed completely
sexless and devoid of anything excitable, her inner experience was of sex-
ualisation of every part of her body, her ear being just one example. It seemed
that words themselves were experienced as concrete objects that could pene-
trate her rather than a means for human communication. At this early stage
of our contact I did not experience her as psychotic yet wondered how I
would reach her if words themselves felt unsafe.
Caroline’s friend had complained to her that she did not make any deci-
sions on her own but was very dependent on the initiative of others or did
 In the beginning – a stone 11

things only out of compliance, out of a wish to please the other and then
would be offended if she was not appreciated. This led to Caroline often being
somewhat dishonest in her behaviour, for example by agreeing to take on
some responsibility at work and then actually avoiding doing what was
required of her and thus showing herself to be irresponsible. She said of her-
self that she could not be honest about her feelings, especially if she disagreed
with the other, so outwardly she would seem to comply. I did wonder here
how this related to her relationship with her father.
I also expected that this passive behaviour and compliance would be a
feature in the transference relationship. It was not only at work that she was
passive. For example, one recent extreme example that infuriated her friend to
the extent of threatening the friendship was the following: it was Caroline’s
birthday but she did not let her friend know in any way that she wished to
celebrate. On the contrary, she had said nothing about it, but instead stood
outside her friend’s house, hoping she would come out and be seen and be
invited in. I did not then have a clue that this way of her being motionless and
saying nothing, was soon to be her main way of communicating. I only
expressed some surprise about this. Her response to my comment was quite
severe – she said that she did not think she deserved to live, that if anyone was
to truly know her no one would want to have anything to do with her because
deep down she felt she was a bad person. The way she reacted to my response,
which she experienced as lacking in empathy, was later to show me how
utterly vulnerable she was to any semblance of criticism, which immediately
led her to self-derogatory accusations. She explained that her feeling of
“badness” was because she did not wish to take responsibility for any deci-
sion, nor to make any effort and she said that she knew she would turn
everything into meaningless nonsense. And then she said, “I have a feeling of
not knowing who I am because I don’t know what I feel or think”.

Keeping secrets
Caroline told me how she had only recently confided in her friend that she
had a secret. Her secret was that she had doubts about the belief in Jesus and
in his goodness and felt she could not express this to her religious parents.
This keeping of a secret seemed to be a cause of stress for Caroline since she
did not accept her parents’ belief system. She seemed both overwhelmed by a
sense of betrayal and concerned that she was an imposter. It had been a relief
to her to tell her new friend this truth yet after telling me she became a little
suspicious as to what I might do with this information. At the time I thought
that with time I might understand more about her relation to religion and was
not too concerned with her suspiciousness. Only with time would I learn that
the issue of keeping secrets had been part of much childhood traumatisation.
At the time I was impressed by the fact that for Caroline a friendship was
something so new and unknown that being able to share a secret was a sign of
12 Creating a safe place inside

intimacy she had not known before. Little did I realize that very soon her
whole experience of life was to be one of bitter conflict between being secre-
tive and being honest – thus making the ability to develop a real relationship
an overwhelming challenge.

To choose therapy is to choose life

In our third session Caroline said that she was terrified because she both
wanted to be honest with herself but feared this greatly. The fear seemed
associated with her concern that she might find out that she had some
responsibility for the sexual abuse. It seemed that Caroline, although having
originally presented the idea of having been sexually abused in a hypothetical
way, was here relating to it as a “known fact”. I had no idea at this time that
this seeming contradiction about what is “known” was a precedent to Car-
oline’s existential question concerning how she could know anything at all. At
this early stage I found myself unable to form an opinion about what I
believed and allowed myself to “keep an open mind” about what might or
might not have happened. Caroline told me that she might have been seduc-
tive “and if so I don’t want to take responsibility for anything in life. Life is
too much of a struggle. I don’t want to participate in living, I want to be a
spectator of life”. When I indicated that therapy meant trying to become
emotionally involved in life and not remaining a spectator she expressed
doubt about commencing therapy. She feared the change it might bring about
in her life.
When I said: “Not going to therapy is also a decision!” she seemed
shocked. Here she blushed, laughed in what seemed like an anxious way,
the first sign of having an emotion in my presence, and said she had never
taken a decision in her life, always doing things “without any sense of
choice”. Although her turning to therapy had been her own decision, the
only other decision she had made out of free choice had been her decision
to come to live in Israel. When I asked what made her want this, she said
that she had doubts about most things – about believing in her mother
and in God and how her doubts were causing her stress in living a
Christian life. She said she had had the thought, “The Jewish people exist
so God must exist”. This thought had precipitated her decision to come
to Israel. So it was a search to believe in something that seemed to be at
the core of Caroline’s seeking help. The search had taken her away from
her home.
She wanted me to see her parents. She needed for me to see them in the
most concrete way so that I would see the mad world she had left. She seemed
to lack words to describe them. I wondered if I would be able to help her. I
did feel that she could benefit from therapy, being of especially high intelli-
gence and appearing to be very honest – especially about her being dishonest
and struggling with wanting to take responsibility for her life.
 In the beginning – a stone 13

Caroline decided to start therapy, asking for two sessions a week, saying
she realized she wanted to live in spite of the fact that she had made lists of
all the reasons why she did not wish to live.
To choose therapy was to choose life.
Little did I know then that this would be a journey of 26 years that would
end dramatically because the tables would be turned – when to remain in
therapy would mean risking her life. How this happened will be unravelled in
this book.

Becoming a sphynx
It is very soon after we commenced therapy that I realize that Caroline was
behaving differently. At first, it was not so obvious but soon I found myself
with someone who had stopped talking and stopped moving. Her only
movement involved entering and leaving the clinic but apart from that she
became absolutely still. It was as though a self created spell had fallen on her
whenever she was in my presence. Or was I the witch who had cast the spell
and turned her into a petrified statue? (At a later time she would bring me a
book titled: So the Witch Won’t Eat Me by Dora Bloch.)
Thinking back to try and catch the moment of this transformation – I
think I can relate it to the first time her wish coincided with mine. It
seemed at the time just a small incident. I had wanted to change one of
the days we met; it so happened that this is precisely what she had wished
for as well but had said nothing! Immediately after having appreciated my
having unknowingly met her wish, her positive feeling changed and she
felt she had done something bad. She had dared to want something from
me. Maybe she had made me do it. Caroline felt threatened and guilty.
How quickly a moment of enjoyment was ruined! How quickly a feeling of
closeness – having had one of her wishes met – became a threat. She was
anxious that she might have manipulated me into doing something against
my will.
I try to understand this sudden change of mood. In broken language – with
long breaks in between the words, she lets me know she felt she deserved to
be punished, “because … of the way … I got it – by … dishonest … means”.
It seems she believed that if a wish or desire is actualized, she must have
done something wrong. I had not accused her of manipulating my mind, but
in her mind she was a dangerous, bad person. Seeing her deep anxiety, I
decided I must be open with her and tell her my reality, relieve her of her
guilt. Actually – when I say “I decided” – I do not think it was an active
decision on my part at this early time in therapy. Over time I would realize
the deep importance of the need for transparency and honesty and it would
be an activating factor in my treatment of her. But at the time it was more an
intuitive act, instinctively wanting to calm her for her seemingly innocent
wish. I said that I had not read her thoughts, but had remembered that when
14 Creating a safe place inside

we had first set up our schedule the two meetings were very close in the week
and I had said that with time I would change a day so that our meetings
would be spread better over the week and that this was possible now.
Her response was absolute shock and amazement: how was it possible that
I should both recall what I’d said and mean it? “People … aren’t like … that –
they … say … and never … mean it”. She could not understand why I would
do such a thing for her when I get nothing out of it. It is one of the few
moments where she expressed a spontaneous emotion, yet speaking in this
fragmented, almost unintelligible way.
I think I registered this moment as the first sign of hope that I might
become a good object for her – just because I had taken her seriously and
had kept my word. I thought to myself that it seemed this was not how
she was accustomed to being treated. A saying I liked, by the well-known
American psychiatrist Karl Menninger, came to my mind: “When in
doubt, be human”.
It is important for me to stress that at the time I was still very much at the
start of my career. I had not yet started psychoanalytic training. I had had
little experience with psychotic patients, except for my internship in a psy-
chiatric hospital. Caroline was one of my first private patients. Nothing I had
experienced had prepared me for this. Although I was in supervision I found
myself needing to think on my feet, decide things on the spot as though there
were only the two of us in this world, and I had to be the responsible adult.
This is not different from any other therapist–patient situation, however in
this case from the beginning I was exposed to “new” phenomena I had not
met even in professional literature. But fortunately I did have an outside
other – a third – my supervisor, so that I was not truly alone. This knowledge
was to be for me a source of deep comfort and safety that helped me survive
moments of Caroline’s bursts of paranoia.
In retrospect, with more psychoanalytic language at my disposal, I can
describe the above incident in the language of psychoanalysis: Caroline had
the omnipotent fantasy that I was under her control and that she could make
me think certain thoughts. In her undifferentiated developmental stage in her
mind she and I were one and since she did not feel she had a separate mind of
her own she easily projected onto me her own fears – that perhaps I did not
have a mind of my own and I was influenced by her seductive wishes. After
all, very likely, with her father, she being an oedipal daughter, she had dared
to desire him and if sexual contact had occurred this could leave her believing
in her omnipotent fantasies and thus feel responsible, guilty and bad. Her
sense of being innately bad was already a prominent feature of her being.
What oedipal children need is to be able to safely desire and have sexual
fantasies. Experiencing that fantasies remain fantasies and are not realized
contributes to the ability to have an internal life from which creativity devel-
ops. Abuse destroys this. Instead, vigilance and the reliance on what is con-
crete become defensive ways of surviving.
 In the beginning – a stone 15

A stone does not talk

But back to Caroline. Although I have recorded her responses as whole sen-
tences that one can make sense of, she actually began to speak in a most
peculiar way that was to become the only way she spoke throughout the
years. The following is a description I wrote of the way she spoke with me
after several months with her:

She spoke very slowly, weighing each word. The silences between
words could be ten minutes long and often I would lose the meaning
of the sentence because of this. With time I would write these words
down as a means of holding onto them until she finished the sen-
tence. It was obvious that she needed to have total control over
everything and over every word. There is no room for any incorrect
word, nor any spontaneity. No word that had a double meaning
could be used. For example “to want” was not allowed, nor the word
“to feel”. Later I was to understand that since “to feel” could mean
both “to touch” and “to have an emotion”, and “to want” can imply
“to desire” – both words were eroticized for her. Therefore she did
not allow them to be used – not by her nor by me. If I happened to
be forgetful and use a “forbidden” word she’d accuse me of deliber-
ately trying to confuse her. With time she “taught me” to speak
slowly and clearly, also using very few words, adapting myself to her
capacity to listen to me, trying to attune myself to her (Stern, 1985).
She was often inaudible and I needed to ask her to repeat her words
several times in order for me to hear her. Needless to say, any inter-
pretation of resistance in this behaviour “fell on deaf ears”. Lan-
guage itself got fragmented and I lost the ability to hold onto the
continuity of the sentence while “waiting in the spaces” (Bion, 1959).
Yet, the reverse side of this was that in the silences I had time to
think, to listen to my feelings – to reverie (Bion, 1962a). I began to
share my thoughts with her (since nothing else was being said
anyhow). At times my words moved her and I would see silent tears
rolling down her face. What a relief this was for me, often being the
only sign that I was with an alive, feeling human being. It reinforced
my, at times, shaky belief that we were doing something very mean-
ingful and that I must be patient. It would take years to understand
the meaning of this behaviour. Caroline would communicate with me
in live speech in a way that was almost incomprehensible, requiring
of me a constant effort to understand her. It was as though speech
was being used as a weapon in the therapy, both creating in me
hateful counter-transference feelings towards her while attracting me
to her in my constant effort to try and make sense of things, my
“raison d’être” to stay with her.
Other documents randomly have
different content
 Cases Are Easily Known by Their Use 146 * 16. A noun
denoting in what respect one excels is ablative, Reliquos virtute
praecedunt surpass the rest in valor 17. A noun denoting length of
time or extent of space, action, being, state, power, etc., is
accusatiw of measure. Annum afuit was away a year Multum abest is
away a great deal Maximam partem frumento vivunt Ike a very great
deal on grain. 18. Nouns denoting time in which or at which are
ablative. Annd within a year Illo ipso di§ on that very day § 68
Hieme in winter Nocte at night, during the night 19. Nouns denoting
how much one exceeds or precedes another or differs from another
are ablaivoe. Anno ante a year earlier A milibus passuum v. 6 miles
away Quo plus, eo melius the morey the better Multd melius much
better 20. A noun followed by caus& for-the-sake, for is genitive.
Frumenti causa moratur is delaying for {the sake of) grain 21. A
noun or pronoun inserted by the side of another to explain it more
fully stands in the same case by apposition. Hoc legato Cicerdni
nuntiat reports this to lieutenant Cicero The ablative or a phrase is
used in apposition with a locative. Athenis urbe Graeciae in Athens a
city of Greece § 77 Rhodi in insuUl magna on Rhodes a large island
§ 76 22. Nouns connected by et, -que, nee, etc., are usually in the
same case, verbs thus connected are of the same mode. Mflrcd et
Galbae t6 Mark and Galba Nee timet neque 6dit neither fears nor
hates Note. — Cf. also §§ 5, 59-63, 71-3, 94-6, 105, 109. 157.
 146 General Survey of Forms 76. Nouns Having -i in the
Genitive Singular Singular N, inimicus a foe (as subj. of a finite verb,
pred. nom., etc.) G, inimici a foe^s; of a foe ^ ; an enemy^s; of an
enemy, etc. D. inimicd a foe (indir. obj.) ; to a foe; for afge, etc. Ac,
inimlcum a foe (subj. of Inf. ; dir. obj.) ; ad inimicum to a foe, V.
inimice foe! 0 foe! thou foe! [for a foe, against a foe^ Ah. inimicd
than a foe; ab inimicd, hy a foe, from an enemy; cum inimicd vnth a
foe; de inimicd about a foe Plural N, inimi(3 foes (as subj. of a finite
verb, pred. nom., etc.) 6r. inimicdrum /oe*'; of foes; enemies'; of
enemies, etc, D. inimi(3s foes (indir. obj.); to foes; for foes, etc. Ac.
inimicds foes (dir. obj. ; subj. of Inf.); ad inimicds, to foes, V. inimid
foes! Ofoes! ye foes! [toward foes, etc. Ab. inimicis than foes; ab
inimicis /rom enemies, by foes; cum inimicis ivith foes; sine inimicis
without foes 76. When the base ends in -r-, the endings, -us and -e,
are lost in many words. When the base ends in -i-, contracted forms
occur in the singular ; -ii and -ie become -i. Singular 1. N. Rhodus^
filius son vesper magister 2. G. Rhodi flli (filii) vesperi magistri 3: D.
Rhodd filid vesperd magistrd 4. Ac. Rhodum Alium vesperum
magistnim 5. V. Rhode rdi vesper magister 6. Ab. Rhodd mid vesperd
magistrd 7. L. Rhodi m Rhodes vesperi at evening ^ Both case forms
and roundabout phrases have to be used in English. 2 See § 57. *
Fern. ; names of islands are feminine ; §§ 54, 55 a, e, /.
 First and Second Declensions 147 Plural 1. N, Philippi filii
[plerique ^ most magistri 2. G, Philipp6rum filiorum plerSrumque
magistrorum 3. D. Philippis filiis 4. Ac. PhilippSs filiSs 5. V, Philippi filii
6. Ah, Philippis filiis 7. L. Philippis ai Philippi plerisque plerSsque
plerisque magistris magistrds magistri magistris 77. a. First
Declension 6. Second Declension Feminine (Mascrdine) * N eider
Genitive Singular -ae Genitive Singular -i Singular N. Alexandria ^
provincia consilium plan Arpinum G. Alexandreae provinciae Z).
Alexandreae provinciae consilid Ac, Alexandream pr5vinciam
c5nsilium V, Alexandrea provincia consilium Ah, AlexandrSft
provincift consiliS consilii, consili Arpini L, Alexandreae at Alexandria
ArpInS Arpinum Arpinum Arpin6 Arpini N, Syracusae G, Syracjis&rum
D, Syracusis Ac, Syracusfts V, Syracusae Ah, Syracusis L Plural
provinciae consilia plans provinci&rum consilidrum provinciis
provincifts provinciae provinciis consiliis consilia consilia consiliis
Syracusis in Syracuse ^ See § 119 & for the meaning of the suffix -
que. ' Feminine except when they denote male beings, * Greek noun
; cf. §§ 28 h, 51. Leuctra Leuctrdrum Leuctris Leuctra Leuctra
Leuctris Leuctris
 148 General Survey of Forms Singular N, boreas^ m. filia
daughter oppidum totim vulgus crowd G. boreae filiae oppidi vulgi D.
boreae flliae oppido vulgd Ac. boream filiam oppidum vulgus V,
boreal Tilia oppidum vulgus Ab, borea filia oppid6 vulg6 Plural N,
Athenae flliae oppida towns castra camp G. Athenfirum flliarum'
oppidorum castrSrum Z>. Athenis flHabus^ oppidis castris Ac,
Athenas Alias oppida castra K. Athenae flliae oppida castra Ab.
Athenis flliabus oppidis castris L. Athenis at Athens § 74, 10. 78. The
Third Declension — Consonant Stems Singular a. Masculine or
Feminine b. Neuter (itidecs) iudex^jwdgre \\vgo maiden os mouth
flumen N. G, D. (itidicis) iudicis virginis oris fluminis (iudici) iudici
virgini on flumini Ac. (iudic em) iudicem virginem os § 42 flumen V.
(itidec s) iiidex § 46 virgo § 52 os flumen Ab. (itidice) iiidice virgine
ore fltimine ^ Greek nom. § 51. «§55 a. • -cs is always written -x.
Gladius Romanus.
 Third Declension 149 Plural N. indices virgines ora flumina
G. iudicum virginum orum fluminum D. §46 iudicibus virginibus
oribus flfiminibus Ac. iudicSs virgin6s 5ra flumina V. iudices virginSs
ora flumina Ab. iudicibus virginibus Singular oribus fluminibus Stem
Base Stem Base N. (cust5d s) custos ^ G. (ctistod is) custadis
(vulnes) vulnus^ (rus) rus^ (vulnes is) vulneris ^ (rus is) ruris * D.
(custodi) custodi (vulnes i) vulneri (rus i) riiri Ac. (ctistod em)
custodem (vulnes) vulnus (rus) rus V. (cust5ds) custos (vulnes)
vulnus (rus) rus Ab. (cust5d e) custode (vulnes e) vulnere (rus e)
rure X. (rus i) rure Plural N. custodes guards vulnera wounds rura G.
custodum vulnerum rurum D. custOdibus § 42 vulneribus § 42
ruribus Ac. custodes vulnera rura V. custodes vulnera rura Ab.
cQstodibus vulneribus ruribus 1 -dB and -ts become -s. « Final -cs
becomes -ub ; -b- between vowels becomes and voere. * Cf. ruBtic
and rural. See §§ 42 ; 74, 10. Cf. was Navis Antiqua.
 150 General Survey of Forms 79. Third Declension -i- Stems
and Mixed Stems Singular a. Masculine or Feminine b. Nevier Base
Stem^ Base Stem^ Base N, navis ship (parti s) pars part (mari)
mare sea G, navis (parti s) partis (mari s^ ) maris D, navi (parti i)
parti (mari i) mari Ac, navim, navem (parti m) partem (mari) mare^
V. navis (parti s) pars § 46 (mari) mare Ab. navi, nave (parti e) parte
(mari e) 1 mari Plural N. navSs (parti es) partSs (mari a) ) maria G.
navium (parti um) partium (mari um) marium D, navibus (parti bus)
partibus (mari bus) maribus Ac, navis ' (parti 6s) partis (mari a] 1
maria V. naves (parti es) partes (mari a^ ) maria Ab. navibus (parti
bus) partibus (maribus) maribus Singular c. Masculine or Feminine d.
Neuter N, Arar (nube s) * nubes cloud Bibracte vectigal tax G, Araris
(nubi s) nubis Bibractis vectigalis D, Aran (nubi i) nubi Bibracti
vectigali Ac, Ararim (nubi m) nubem Bibracte vectigal V. Arar (nubes)
nubSs . Bibracte vectigal Ab, Arari (nubi e) nube Bibracte vectigali L.
Bibracte 1 Lieam the base. Stems are given merely to show the
formation. * -i- of the stem remains as -e in a few nouns and most
adjectives. • Printed -*B in many editions of Latin authors. « The
stem nub^ is of the Fifth Declension ; nflbi- of the Third.
 Third Declension 151 Plural N, Gades Gades nubSs moenia
walls vectigalia G, Gadium nubium moenium veetigalium Z). Gadibus
nubibus moenibus vectigalibus Ac. Gadis nubis moenia vectigalia V,
Gades nubes moenia vectigalia Ab. Gadibus nubibus moenibus
vectigalibus L. Gadibus 80. Between vowels u becomes v : Singular
N. (vis) vis force sus pig (bou s) bos cow luppiter ^ C. D. Ac, (vim)
V. (vis) Ab. (vie) vim vis vi suis sui suem siis sue . (bou is) (boui)
(bou em) (bou s) (bou e) bovis lovis bovi lo^ bovem lovem bos
luppiter bove love N. (vises) vires G. D. Ac. V. vires Ab. viribus vuium
viribus viris -Ss sues Plural sues (bou es) suum suibus ^ sues suibus
(bou um) (bou bus) (bou es) (bou Ss) (bou bus) bovSs kine,oxen
bourn bubus 2 boves boves bubus ^ » Also 8
 152 General Survey of Forms 81. a. Fourth Declension b.
Singular Mas, or Fern. Nouns Nevier Stem Base Base 1. N. (domus)
domus^ cornu 2. G, (domuis) domus comus 3. D. (domui) domui -u
cornu 4. Ac, (domum) domum cornu 5. V. (domus) domus cornu 6.
Ah, (domu e) domu^ cornu Plural 1. N, (domues) domus cornua 2.
G. (domuum) domuum cornuum 3. Z>. (domu bus) domibus^
cornibus 4. i4c. (domuSs) domus ^ cornua 5. F. (domues) domus
comua 6. Ah, (domu bus) domibus ^ . cornibus Fifth De< elension
Feminine (except diSs) Stem (dies) dies res (diei) diei 2 rei^ (diei)
diei rei (diem; 1 diem rem (dies) dies res (diee) dig re dies res
dierum rSrum diebus rebus dies res dies res diebus rSbus 82. The
Third Declension need give no trouble. Learn the Nominative,
Genitive, and Gender of every noun. a. If you wish to find the
Vocative Singular of any Third Declension noun, it is like the
Nominative Singular. 6. The Accusaiive Singular of any Neuter Third
Declension noun is like the Nominative (given in the vocabulary). c.
The remaining forms of the Singular and all the Plural forms are
perfectly regular. To write any one of them cor1 DomuB (f .) is a
model for masculine and feminine nouns of this declension. ' The
ending is -ei (when not preceded by -i-) in spfts, spei f . hope; fldfts,
fldei, f. faith and pUbfts, pUbei f . common people. * -ubus is found
in tribus, tribfls tribe and a few others. < See also § 60.
 General Survey of Forms 153 rectly simply get the base (by
dropping -is, -um, or -ium from the genitive and annex the ending.
d. The preposition in governs either the ablative or the accusative.
All nouns in the following phrases are accusative for not one of them
has an ablative ending. Puer in caput volvitur the boy tumbles on his
head. Hoc in aliud tempus confert he puts this off till another time,
Consilia in melius refert she changes her plans for the better. In
reliquum tempus for the rest (of) the time ; from now on. In castra
^ revertuntur they are returning to the camp, Obs. p. 16.
Frumentum in oppida comportant they gather grain into the toums,
e. The only Ablative endings (§ 55 a, b) are : -a, -is, -abus, -e, -
ebus, -e, -i, -ibus, -6, -obus, -u, -ubus Any noun (except nihil) not
ending in -a, -e, -am, -em, -im, -tun or in -fts, -es, -is, -5s, -us, if
accusative, is instantly known to be neuter and singular and third
declension, as it can have no ending. § 55 6, e, f. EXAMPLES Flumen
altum esse scitis you know the river to be deep. Nihil patiuntur vinl
inferri they allow no wine to be brought in. Iter facit makes a
Journey. Flumen transitis you cross the river. Propter anni tempus
because-of the time of year. Ad mare ^ toward the sea. Propter
vulnus because of a wound. Thus flumen, iter, tempus, vulnus, mare
are known to be neuter singular and third declension because they
are accusative. » See also page 18, note 1. 'Mare is Ace. Neut. Ad
takes the Ace. Cf. § 79 b. Accusatives in -e or with no ending are
neuter ^ singular, and third declension.
 154 General Survey of Forms 83. Adjectives have forms for
each gender, and agree with the nouns they modify, in gender,
number, and ca^se. a. First and Second Declension 6. Third
Declension meuB, mea, meum my, mine pfir, pftr, p&r; Gen. paris
eqital Singular M. F, N. M, F. N, N. meus^ mea meum par par par G.
mei meae mei paris paris paris D. me6 meae me6 pari pari pari Ac.
meum meam meum parem parem par 2 V. mi^ mea meum par par
par Ab. med mefi med pari pari pari L. (mei) meae^ (mei) Plural N.
md[ meae mea G. medrum me&rum medrum D. meis mdls mdls Ac,
meds mefis mea V, m^ meae mea Ab. meis m^s mds pares par§8
paria parium parium parium paribus paribus paribus paris ^ paris ^
paria pares parSs paria paribus paribus paribus 1 Cf. § 76. * Note
that three forms in the neuter have no case ending. Cf. § 78 6. » A
contract form (for mee). Cf. §§ 76, 90. * Loc. domi mttie at my
home. "Printed -H in many editions. lumeuta carros dUcunt.
 Adjectives of AU Declensions 155 84. Present Participles
and a few other Third Declension adjectives are declined like pottos
able, powerful. §§ 97, 183 c. Singular M, F. N. N. potens ^ potens
potens G. potentis potentis potentis D. potent! potentl potentl Ac.
potentem potentem potens V. potens potens potens Ab. potentl (-e)
^ potenti (-e) Plural potenti (-e) N. potentSs potentes potentia G,
potentium potentium potentium D. potentibus potentibus potentibus
Ac. potentis ' potentis^ potentia V. potentSs potentSs potentia Ab.
potentibus potentibus potentibus » See. 5 55 6, note 1. « -e in aU
participial uses ; -I in adjective uses. > Written -^8 in many editions
of the classics. Agricola bobus arat.
 166 General Survey of Forms 86. audaz, audaz, audax;
Gen. aud&cis^ bold, venturesome Singular M. F. N. N. audaxi§46
audax audax G. audads audacis audacis D. audad audaci audaci Ac,
audacem audacem audax V. audax audax audax Ab. audaci (-e)
audaci (-e) Plural audaci (-e) N. audaces audaces audacia G.
audacium audacium audacium D. audilcibus audacibus audacibus Ac.
, audacis audacis audacia V. audaces audaces audacia Ab. audacibus
audacibus audacibus 86. The majority of adjectives of the Third
Declension are i-stems; vetus, vetus, vetus, Gen. veteris old, and a
few others are not i-stems. Singular N. vetus " § 42, 1 vetus vetus G.
veteris veteris veteris D. veteri veteri veteri Ac. veterem veterem
vetus V. vetus vetus vetus Ab. vetere vetere vetere ^ Note that cs is
always written x. * -s beco] i&num. mes -r- between vowels. Pilum
Ron
 Adjectives of the Third Declension 157 Plural M. F. N. N.
veteres veteres Vetera G. veterum veterum veterum D. veteribus
veteribus veteribus Ac. veteres veteres Vetera V. veteres veteres
Vetera Ah. veteribus veteribus veteribus 87 \ October, Octdbris,
Octobre of Octoher. Singular .V. October Octobris Octobre G.
Octobris Octobris Octobris D. Octobri Octobri Octobri Ac. Octobrem
Octobrem Octobre V. October Octobris Oclobre Ah. Octobri Octobri
Plural Octobri N. Oct6br§s Octobres Octobria G. Octobrium
Octobrium Octobrium D. Octobribus Octobribus Octobribus Ac.
Octobris Octobris Octobria V. Octobres Octobres Octobria Ah.
Octobribus Octobribus Octobribus Tabulae, Calamus, Libor.
 158 General Survey of Forms « i. Positive Degree ^ brevis, ,
brevis, breve, short, Singular brief M. F. N. N. brevis brevis breve G.
brevis brevis brevis D. brevi brevi brevi Ac. brevem brevem breve V.
brevis brevis breve Ah. brevi brevi Plural brevi N. breves breves
brevia G. brevium brevium brevium D. brevibus brevibus brevibus
Ac. brevis brevis brevia V. breves breves brevia Ah. brevibus brevibus
brevibus Observe that the comparatives are not : i-stems. 89.
Comparative Degree * brevior, brevior, brevius shorter, rather short,
too short Singular N. brevior brevior brevius G. brevidris brevioris
brevidris D. breviSri breviSri brevidri Ac. brevidrem breviSrem brevius
V. brevior brevior brevius Ah. breviore brevidre breviSre * All
adjectives thus far have been of the positive degree. * The
comparative of brevis, brevis, breve, is a model for all comparativefi
except plfis.
 Comparison of Adjectives 159 Plural M. F. N, N. brevidres
brevidres brevidra G. brevidrum brevidrum brevidrum D. brevidribus
brevidribus brevidribus Ac. brevidres brevidres brevidra V. brevidres
brevidres brevidra. Ab. brevidribus brevidribus brevidribus 90.
Superlative Degree brevissimus^ brevissima^ brevissimum shortest,
very short quam brevissimus as short as possible Singular N.
brevissimus brevissima brevissimum G. brevissiml brevissimae
brevissiml D. brevissimo brevissimae brevissimo Ac. brevissimum
brevissimam brevissimum V. brevissime brevissima brevissimum Ab.
brevissimo brevissima Plural brevissimo N. brevissiml brevissimae
brevissima G. brevissimonim brevissimarum brevissimorum D.
brevissixftis brevissimis brevissimis Ac. brevissimos brevissimas
brevissima F. brevissiml brevissimiae brevissima Ab. brevissimis
brevissimis brevissimis All superlatives, perfect and future participles,
and gerundives as well as many adjectives of the positive degree are
declined thus. Compare §§ 75-7, 83 a.
 160 General Survey of Forms 91. talis, talis, tale such, of
siich a sort; tjftlis sitch — quAlis as quAlis, quAlis, quAle as, suck as,
and of this sort, of what sort? qufilis ascensus est ? what kind of
climb is it f f acilis easy qufilis equus! what a horse! talis, quftlis Titi
such as Titus* anucus, andca, amicum friendly 3 amicitia -ae f .
friendship amicior, amidor, amicius more friendly, rather kind, too
kind praesidium quam amicissimum as friendly a guard as possible
fortis, fiortis, forte brave, strong fortiter bravely Ci, § 69 fortlssimus,
fortissima, fortissimum very brave, bravest audfiz, auddz, auddz ;
Gen. aud&cis bold, daring audacter boldly audador, audador,
audadus bolder, rather bold, too bold id5neus, id5neus, idoneum fit,
suitable, adapted 3 or ad 4 magis id5neus, magis idonea, magis
id5neum more suitable potens, potens, potens ; Gen. potentis (cf . §
84) able, powerful potentior -ior -ius more powerful potentissimus -a
-um ablest prudens, priidens, prudens wise, far-sighted prudenter
wisely ndbilis, ndbilis, ndbile farrums, prominent, noble n5tus -a -um
Icnovm, well-knovm notior -iDr -ius better known n5tissimus -a -um
very well known notitia -ae f . knowledge pulcher, ptdchra, ptddirum
beautiful pulchrS beautifully pulchrior -ior -ius handsomer
pulcherrimus -a -um very beautiful liber, libera, liberum free liberior -
ior -ms freer Cf. § 69 liberrimus -a -um /rees< llbere/re^/y Iiberrime
very freely bonus -a -um good, excellent melior -ior -ius better Cf. §
69 bonitas -tatis f. goodness optimus -a -um best, most excellent
malus -a -um bad, evil, ill peior -ior -ius worse, poorer pessimus -a -
um worst malefidtim -i n. mischief, wrong doing similis -is -e like 2 or
3 similiter in a similar way similior -ior -ius more like simillimus -a -
um very like m&turus -a -um early mature early maturius earlier Cf.
§ 69 maturire hasten, make haste Inf. 0. maturit&s -t&tis ripeness
maturrimus -a -um earliest, very early maturrime very early
 Word-Building 161 92. tantus -a -um so great; tantus as
large — quantus as quantus, quanta^ quantum as, as great as, how
greaf? how large f tantus fuit he was as great — quantus Cicero as
Cicero latus -a -um wide late widely Iatitud5, latitudinis f. width latior
-ior -ius rvider, too wide latius more widely, too widely latissimus -a -
um very wide, widest latissime most widely § 69 angustus -a -um
narrow angustiae -Srum narrows, defile, straits longus -a -um long
longe far longitudd, longitudinis f. length longior -ior -ius longer,
more distant longissimus -a -um longest brevis -is -e short breviter
briefly brevitas -tatis f . shortness altus -a -um high, deep alte highly
altitud5 -tiidinis f. height altior -ior -ius higher, deeper altius more
highly, more deeply humilis -is -e low, humble humilit&s, humilitatis
f. lowness humilior -ior -ius lower humillimus -a -um lowest facilis -is
-e easy facultas -tatis f. opportunity, privilege (ease) facilior -ior -ius
easier facile easily facilius more easily facillimus -a -um easiest
facillime most easily, very easily difficilis -is -e hard, difficult
difficulter with difficvity ingens, ingens, ingens ; Gen. ingentis huge,
enormous, great magnus -a -um large, great maior, maior^ maius
larger mazimus -a -um largest magis more mazime especially, most
parvus -a -um small, little minor, minor, minus smaller minimus -a -
um smallest minus less, not minime not at all infer! (those) below
inferior -ior -ius lower Cf . § 64 Infimus -a -um or imus -a -um
lowest, bottom-of super! (those) above superior -ior -ius upper,
higher, former; superi5ra loca the higher places or heights § 68 c
supremus -a -um highest, last; summus -a -um highest, greatest,
very prominent, top^f summa -ae f . total, management prae w. abl.
before prior, prior, prius former, previous Cf. § 69 pridre nocte night
before last; prius — (quam) sooner, before primus -a -um foremost;
prima venit she was the first to come
 162 Appositives 93. Nouns are put in Apposition with —
that is, by the side of — other nouns to emphasize or explain them
more fully. Appositives ate aside from the direct assertion. They
stand in the same case as the words explained. Amic5 Marco (die)
(tell) our friend Mark Cf. § 5 a, b', c. The Latin words for my, our, his,
their, etc., are often omitted. 94. The ever-present case forms allow
Latin to express much in few words. In order to render Latin
appositives accurately in English, it is often necessary to supply who,
which, that, as he, since it, because she, while we, when he, if they,
even if I, though it, etc., together with some form of the verb be.
The words supplied vary with the idea conveyed. . a. Marc5 amicd
(die) (tell) Mark — a friend; (tell) Mark who-is-a friend; (tell) Mark
as-he-ds-a friend; (tell) Mark since-he-ds-a friend; (tell) Mark
because-he-is-a friend; (tell) Mark whUe-he-ds-friendly; (tell) Mark if
-he-is friendly ; b. Tit6 inimicd (die) (tell) Titus even-if-he-is
unfriendly (is) Absens me hostem reddidit (he) made me an enemy
(to them) though-he-never-saw-me (eius) Absentis crudelitatem
horrent they shvdder-at fits cruelty, althoughrhe-is-absent; dread his
crvdty whenrhe-is-absent (ei) Absenti auxilium mittit sends him aid
while-he^is-away (eum) Absentem accusarunt they accused him
while-he^waS" absent; accused him when-he^was-absent £5 invitd,
ire n5n audent they do not dare go because-he-isunwitting; they do.
not dare go while he-is-unwilling
 Time and Circumstance 163 96. Words denoting time or
circumstances may be a. A part of the principal b. Entirely aside from
the assertion (any case) 1. (Attached to the subject) Me rogat cdnsul
(he) invites me (while or because he is) consul 2. (Attached to a
modifier) Mihi cdnsuli designate accidit it befell me (when I was)
consul elect 3. (Attached to the object) Titum inimlcum rog5 I invite
Titus (even if he is) unfriendly principal assertion (Abl.) 1. Favoring
circumstance £0 cdnsule> rogor I am invited (while or because) he
(is) consul 2. Time at which (Abl.) Me cdnsule design&td, accidit it
happened (when or while) I (was) consul elect 3. Adverse
circumstance (Abl.) Titd inimicO, rogor I am invited (although or
even if) Titus (is my) enemy 96. a. The Ablative of time or
circmnstances may be A single word denoting a simple fact nocte
during the night; vesperi (Loc.) at evening or A whole phrase
defining a time or complex circumstance Quod facere imperid nostr5
n5n possunt and they cannot do this (when) the control (is) ours
M&rcd Messal& et M&rcd Pis5ne cdnsulibus accidit it happened
(when) Messala and Piso (were) consuls 6. The Ablative of Manner
(often with cum or sine) lure rightly iniuriA wrongly cum cur&
carefitUy c. The Ablative of Accordance (sometimes with ex) SuO
mOre or (ex) cOnsuStadine suA according to his custom
 164 General Survey of Forms 97. Present Participle (Active
and Deponent) Formation : Present Stem + ns + -ns + -ns Sign -
nntis -ntis -ntis -ntAdjectives and Verbs at once — often used as
Nouns. Not used as predicate adjectives with verb force. § 84 M, F.
N. 5 28 o, 6 5 94 Irr. dans, dans, dans ; Gen. dantis giving^ (who is)
giving, (as he was) giving, (while) giving, (when) giving, (upon)
giving; dantes {those who are) giving, {they when they are) giving -
ft- ednans, c5nans, c5nans; Gen. ednantis (who is) trying amans,
amans, amans ; Gen. amantis loving, (who is) fond amantior,
amantior, amantius fonder, more devoted § 89 amantissimus,
amantissima, SLmsLntissimnm fondest praestans -ans -ans ; -antis
standing ahead, excelling § 84 portans, carrying, bringing
exspectans awaiting, looking-for -e- tenens, tenens, tenens ; Gen.
tenentis (while) holding continens holding together timens fearing
(timidly) videns seeing verens fearing (for good reasons) -e- agens,
agens, agens ; Gen. agentis doing, (while) driving cedens giving
away legens reading petens asking discedens departing loquens
speaking sequens following -i- capiens, capiens, capiens taking,
(while) taking § 170 -if ugiens fleeing egrediens going out rapiens
snatching patiens -ens -ens suffering impatiens not patient § 220, 7
patientior -ior -ius more patient patienter patiently § 69
patientissimus most po^im^ patientia-ae f. endurance -i- veniens,
veniens, veniens ; Gen. venientis (while) coming muniens fortifying
oriens raising-self, rising -se absens absent praesens present potens
able, powerful § 84 iens, iens, iens ; Gen. euntis going, (as he was)
going § 213, 2
 Adjective Forms of Verbs 165 98. Perfect Participles
(Passive Voice) Formation : Participial Stem + us -a -um. Sign -t- or -
s-. Adjectives and Verbs at once — often used as Nouns. § 90 Miich
used cw predicate adjectives ivith verb force. M. F. N. Subject Acted
Upon Irr. datus, data, datum {having been) given, (being) given §
94 -ft- imperfttus -a -um (having been) commanded or demanded 3
p parfttus, parftta, parfttum (having been) prepared, made ready
paratior, paratior, paratius better prepared, readier § 89
paratissimus, paratissima, paratissimum best prepared § 90 -6-
contentus -a -um contented retentus -a -um kept back territus
terrified perterritus thoroughly frightened mdtus moved visus seen
commotus, permotus roused -e- actus -a -um driven, done, set in
motion, discussed, spent coactus -a -um driven together, gathered,
compelled, forced -i- captus taken acceptus received receptus
recovered f actus done c5nfectus finished up perfectus completed -i-
audltus -a -um heard exauditus -a -um overheard munitus -a -um
fortified munitid -tidnis f. fortification impeditus (when) hindered
impedlmentum -i n. hindrance expeditus unimpeded; legid ezpedlta
legion without baggage expeditior -ior -ius more unimpeded, less
impeded, easier itum est, ventum est going wa>s done, they came
or went. initus (being) entered upon praeteritus gone by, past,
bygone 99. Active Perf. Inf Passive (luss + isse) (See § 163 6)
lussusv >.esse (§ 168, n. 3) iussisse \^ (to be having ordered) (to
ber ^having been ordered) (to) have ordered (to) have been
ordered
 166 General Survey of Forms 100. Perfect Participles
(Deponent) Adjectives and Verbs at once — often used as Nouns. §
90 Mn/ch used as predicate adjectives with verb force, §§ 180-2.
Subject Acting -a- c5n&tus -a -um having exerted self or tried or
attempted^ (after) having tried c5nata (n. pi.) things attempted p.
16, obs. c. mir&tus -a -um having wondered, because he wondered
§ 94 mor&tus -a -um having detained self (after) having delayed -6-
ausus -a -um having ventured or having dared veritus -a -um having
feared, because he feared (with reason) -e- loctitus -a -um having
spoken, (after or when he had) spoken secutus having kept self
near, (after) having followed cOnsecutus (who had) followed up
insecutus having chased usus -a -um having used 6 usus -us m.
projctice, experience -i- gressus -a -um having walked egressus
having gone out ingressus having gone in prdgressus having gone
forth mortuus having died, being dead mors, mortis f . death passus
having suffered, (after) having endured, allowed, let -i- ortus -a -um
having raised self, risen, arisen, started ezpertus -a -um having
experienced or tried 101. o. Active Perf Ind, Passive (ea) locuta^^ ^
est (Deponent verbs have (she) is^^^having spoken no perfect
stem, no per- (^^^) ^^ ^^^ feet active.) ; ^^ ^ {she) spoke b.
Audimus eam locfltam (esse) Cf. § 99. We hear-about her having
been speaking We hear that-she has been speaking or that'she has
spoken or spoke
 Adjective Forms of Verbs 167 102. Future Participles (Aotive
and Deponent) Participial Stem + urus -ura -flrum. Sign -ur-.
Adjectives and Verbs at once — also used as Nouns. § 90 Miich used
as predicate adjectives with verb force, Irr. dattirus^ datura,
daturum about to give, going to give, (as he was) going to give,
(when he was) going to give § 94 -a- conattois, conatura,
cdnat&rum intending to try or attempt portaturus -a -um going to
carry, intending to take or bring paraturus going to get ready
temperaturus going to refrain -6- habiturus going to regard
prohibiturus going to stop persuasurus going to persuade 3
obtenturus going to hold -e- aeturus going to drive, do, set in
motion, discuss, spend reddittois going to give back concessurus
going to grant neglecttois going to overlook secutilrus going to
follow -i- capturus going to take facturus going to do, make
egressurus going to go out ednf ecturus going to finish -i- auditdrus
going to hear venturus going to come iturus going to go oritiirus
going to rise -se futurus going to be or stay afutflrus going to be
away 103. Future Participles represent an action as going to' occur
after the time of the main verb. a. Hoc Qnum petd Yen! nihil aliud
petitiinis I ask this one (thing) / came intending to ask nothing else
b. Venturus est (§§ 74, 3) Itura esse dicitur (§§ 74-3) he is going to
come she is said to be going to go c. Coactiiri erant Ituram esse
dicitur (§§ 74-3) they were going to compel it is said that she will go
d. Ses6 coacturds (esse) putavere S6 daturum esse dicit thought
that they would compel says that he will give
 168 Adjective Forms of Verbs 104. Future Participles
(Passive and Deponent) — Gerundive Formation : Present Stem +
ndus -nda -ndum. Sign -nd-. Adjectives and Verbs at once — also
used as Nouns. § 90 Mveh tLsed as predicate adjectives with verb
force. § 28 6. Subject Acted Upon Compare the English words :
errands (things) to be wandered or gone after dividend to be divided
minuend to be lessened memorandum (matter that) has to be called
to mind memoranda (matters that) ought to be called to mind
reverend to be regarded with awe or revered or feared Irr. dandus,
danda, dandum to be given, (deserving) to be given (that ought) to
be given, (that have) to be given, (that must) be given, (that are) to
be (or should be) given -a- exspectandus -a -um to be awaited, to
be waited for; exspectandum est waiting ought to be done; one
must wait transportandus -a -um to be carried, brought, or taken
over -e- habendus to be had or held retinendus to be kept back
verendus to be feared providendus to be looked out for -e-
concedendus to be granted ferendus to be endured dividendus to be
divided conferendus to be compared agendus to be done, driven
tremendus to be trembled at -i- capiendus to be taken recipiendus to
be taken hack faciendus to be done progrediendum to be gone forth
-i- audiendus to be heard muniendus to be fortified veniendum to be
come partiendus to be separated eundum est travelling is to be
done, one must go 105. The Dative is used to assert ownership. § 5
e. Mihi studium est there is a pursuit for me; I have an occupation;
Cf. colloquial English ** Where is the cover to the box? "
 Adjective Forms of Verbs 169 106. Gerundives are used to
express duty or necessity. a. Liber legendus est the book is to be
read the book must be read b. Liber mihi est Liber mihi legendus est
(there is a book for me) I have a book (that is) to be read (a book
belongs to me) I have a book to read I have a book I have to read a
book a book ought to be read by me c. Legitur Lectum est
Legendum est it is read, it was read, it must be read, reading is
done reading was done reading is to be done d. Mihi legendum est /
have reading that is to be done I have reading to do I have to read I
ought to read Mihi legendum (esse) putd / think I have to read Non
exspectandum sibi statuit decided he ought not to wait e. Obsides
dandi sunt there are hostages to be given Obsides dandds cur5 / see
to giving the hostages 107. o. Subjective Genitive b. Objective
Genitive (a) Helvetidrum iniurias (6) populi R5mani novi (/ know the
Helvetians injuries of the Roman people) Helvetii iniurias populd
Rdm&n5 inferunt The Helvetians inflict injuries on the Roman people
c. Also with verbs of remembering and forgetting and nouns and
adjectives denoting desire, endurance, etc. contumeliae obliviscitur
becomes forgetful of the outrage § 223 b amans patriae fond of
country impatiens morae tired of delay patientia sitis endurance of
thirst studium bellandi desire to war
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