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FAIRLY '
GlvicJv&n JlicJie*
• 1U Really UaLf ^bucklUuf
• ^he^lonioiie and tke Jtain,

-1Mb Red Rtuuwuf, Slwdi

•flack.'*, IZeaH, PnoJdem
and much, *hmcU, mosu

BY JON SCIESZKA & LANE SMITH

 $16.00!
i s\

56 action-
packed pages.
75% more than
those old 32-page
i4
Brand-X" books.

10
complete
stories!

25
LAVISH
paintings!

\geS 4
. ill

Reinforced Binding

£9.99 in
#19.99 (xn
BOSTON
PUBLIC
LIBRARY

I
"I have found a kernel of wheat," said

the Little Hen."NoW who will help me

Red
plant this wheat? Where is that lazy
dog? Where is that lazy cat? Where is
that lazy mouse?"
'Wait a minute. Hold everything. You can't tell your story
right here. This is the endpaper. The book hasn't even
started yet.'

"Who are you? Will you help me plant

the wheat?"
UT'
I'm Jack. Fm the narrator. And no, I can't help you plant
the wheat. Fm a very busy guy trying to put a book
together. Now why don't you just disappear for a few pages.
I'll call when I need you.'
U
But who will help me tell
my story? Who will
help me draw a
picture of the
wheat? Who will
help me spell
'the wheat'?"
"Listen Hen
forget the wheat. Here
comes the Title Page!'
 (for The Stinky
Cheese Man Other &
Fairly Stupid Tales)
VIKING

LOWER MILLS
 •g-l«"S'i
atvoA)
9UI« U
(9^9H

I know. I know.
The page is upside down.
I meant to do that.
&
Who ever looks at that
I;
dedication stuff anyhow?
If you really want to read
it —you can always stand
on your head.

I
 INTRODUCTION

A long time ago, people used to tell magical stories of wonder and
enchantment. Those stories were called Fairy Tales.
Those stories are not in this book. The stories in this book are
almost Fairy Tales. But not quite.
The book are Fairly Stupid Tales.
stories in this

I mean, what else would you call a story like "Goldilocks and the

Three Elephants"? This girl walking through the woods smells Peanut
Porridge cooking. She decides to break into the Elephants' house, eat
the porridge, sit in the chairs, and sleep in the beds. But when she
gets in the house she can't climb up on Baby Elephant's chair because
it's too big. She can't climb up on Mama Elephant's chair because it's

much too big. And she can't climb up on Papa Elephant's chair
because it's much much too big. So she goes home. The End.
And if you don't think that's fairly stupid, you should read "Little
Red Running Shorts'' or maybe "The Stinky Cheese Man.'
In fact, you should definitely go read the stories now, because the rest
of this introduction just kind of goes on and on and doesn't really say
anything. I stuck it on to the end here so it would fill up the page and
make it look like I really knew what I was talking about. So stop now.
I mean it. Quit reading. Turn the page. If you read this last sentence,
it won't tell you anything.

J* <^Ar
Up the Hill
Fairy Tale Forest
1992
 CHICKEN LICKEN

Once upon a time Chicken Licken was standing

around when a piece of something fell on her head.
She wasn't the brightest thing on two legs, so she
started running around in circles clucking,
"The sky is falling! The sky is falling!

We must tell the President!"

Chicken Licken ran to her friend Ducky Lucky and
clucked, "Ducky Lucky! Ducky Lucky! The sky is
falling! The sky is falling! We must tell the President!

"Lets go," quacked Ducky Lucky.

Chicken Licken and Ducky Lucky ran to their friend
Goosey Loosey and yelled, "Goosey Loosey! Goosey
Loosey! The sky is falling! The sky is falling!

We must tell the President!"

"Let's go," honked Goosey Loosey.
Chicken Licken, Ducky Lucky, and Goosey Loosey
ran to their friend Cocky Locky and yelled, "Cocky
Locky! Cocky Locky! The sky is falling!
The sky is falling! We must tell the President!"
"Let's go," crowed Cocky Locky.
" T""mTTTTTmW1l
.

r
 "

"Wait a minute! Wait a minute!" cried Jack the

Narrator. "I forgot the Table of Contents!
I forgot the Table of Contents!"
"Hey, you're not in this story," said Chicken Licken.
"I know," said Jack the Narrator. "But I came to

warn you. The Table of Contents is

—
"The sky is falling! The sky is falling!" clucked
Chicken Licken. "We must tell the President!"
So Chicken Licken, Ducky Lucky, Goosey Loosey,
and Cocky Locky ignored Jack the Narrator
and ran off to catch a plane to Washington.
Just outside the airport they met Foxy Loxy.
"Foxy Loxy! Foxy Loxy! The sky is falling!
The sky is falling! We must tell the President!"
yelled Chicken Licken, Ducky Lucky,
Goosey Loosey, and Cocky Locky.
"Well, come with me," said Foxy Loxy.
"I know a shortcut to the airport."
Foxy Loxy led Chicken Licken, Ducky Lucky,
Goosey Loosey, and Cocky Locky to his cave.
He didn't get to eat them though, because
Chicken Licken was almost right.

The sky wasn't falling.

The Table of
Contents was.
It fell and
squashed 1

everybody.
The End.
 ["» Of CONrfNM

Chicken Lid
sen

The Princess and the Bowling Ball 10

The ft
«% vgly Du c klin
g
The Other Frog Prince
1,

Little Red Running Shorts

/.* C
**B ea n Problem \*
Cind
TheT,
«*...,
mtn
^m^ 2*
 THE PRINCESS AND THE BOWLING BALL

Once upon a time there was a Prince. And this Prince's dad and
mom (the King and Queen) somehow got it into their royal heads that
no Princess would be good enough for their boy unless she could feel
a pea through one hundred mattresses.
So it should come as no surprise that the Prince had a very hard time
finding a Princess. Every time he met a nice girl, his mom and dad
would pile one hundred mattresses on top of a pea and then invite
her to sleep over.
When the Princess came down for breakfast, the Queen would ask,
"How did you sleep, dear?"
The Princess would politely say, "Fine, thank you."
And the King would show her the door.
Now this went on for three years. And of course nobody ever felt

the pea under one hundred mattresses. Then one day the Prince met
the girl of his dreams. He decided he better do something about it.

That night, before the Princess went to bed, the Prince slipped his
bowling ball under the one hundred mattresses.
When the Princess came down for breakfast the next morning,
the Queen asked, "How did you sleep, dear?"
'This might sound odd," said the Princess. "But I think you need
another mattress. I felt like I was sleeping on a lump as big as a
bowling ball."
The King and Queen were satisfied.
The Prince and Princess were married.
And everyone lived happily, though maybe not completely honestly,
ever after. The End.
 a**

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 THE REALLY UGLY DUCKLING

Once upon a time there was a mother

duck and a father duck who had seven
baby ducklings. Six of them were
regular-looking ducklings . The seventh
was a really ugly duckling.
Everyone used to say, "What a nice-

looking bunch of ducklings — all

except that one. Boy, he's really ugly."

The really ugly duckling heard these
people, but he didn't care. He knew
that one day he would probably grow
up to be a swan and be bigger and
look better than anything in the pond.
 -*m

1 ^M
 . .

Well, as it

turned out he ,

was just a really

ugly duckling.
And he grew
up to be just a
really ugly duck
The End
I!
Once upon a time there was a frog.
One day when he was sitting on his lily pad, he saw a beautiful
princess sitting by the pond. He hopped in the water, swam over to

her, and poked his head out of the weeds.

'Pardon me, beautiful princess," he said in his most sad and
r
pathetic voice. "I wonder if you could help me.
The princess was about to jump up and run, but she felt sorry for the
frog with the sad and pathetic voice.
So she asked, "What can I do to help you, little frog?"
4
Well," said the frog. "Fm not really a frog, but a handsome prince
who was turned into a frog by a wicked witch's spell. And the spell
can only be broken by the kiss of a beautiful princess.'
The princess thought about this for a second, then lifted the frog from
the pond and kissed him.
,4
I was just kidding," said the frog. He jumped back into the pond and
the princess wiped the frog slime off her lips. The End.
 —

LITTLE RED RUNNING SHORTS

"Okay, I've got things running smoothly now," said Jack the Narrator.
"And this next story is .even better than the last three. See. it's about
who runs very fast and always wears red running shorts. That's
this girl

where her name comes from, get it? So anyway, this girl is running to
her granny's house when she meets a wolf. He tricks her into taking the
long way while he takes the shortcut. Now this is the good part because
Red runs so fast that she beats the wolf to granny's house. He knocks on
4
the door. Red answers it. And guess what she says? My, what slow feet
you have/ And that's it. The End. Is that great or what? So sit back,
relax, and enjoy
—
'Little Red Running Shorts.'
—
"And now, like I already said 'Little Red Running Shorts.'
..
You just told the whole story," says Little Red Running Shorts.
..
We're not going to tell it again.''
..
You can't say that," says Jack. "You have to start with 'Once upon a time.'
..
No way," says the wolf. "You blew it.'*
..
But you guys are next. Look at the title at the top of the page
'Little Red Running Shorts.' That's you.'
"Let's go. Wolf.
r

We're out of here.'

"Wait. You can't do this.
Your story is supposed
to be three pages long.
What do I do when we
turn the page?"
++;

y
w
"I planted the wheat. I watered
the wheat. I harvested the wheat.
Now do I get to tell my story?"
said the Little Red Hen. "Say, what's
going on here? Why is that page
blank? Is that my page? Where is

that lazy dog? Where is that lazy

cat? Where is that lazy mouse?
How do they expect me to tell
the whole story by myself?
Where is that
lazy narrator?
Where is that
lazy illustrator?
Where is that
lazy author?"
 JACK'S BEAN PROBLEM

forget that HCIl,

Now it's time for the best
story in the whole book my
story. Because Once Upon a
Time I traded our last co>v
for three magic beans and
bey, Giant. What are you
doing dowm here? Yon 're
wrecking nxy whole story.'
"I DOIV'T LIKE THAT
STORY," said the Giant.
"YOU ALWAYS
TRICKME."
That's the best part,'
said Jack.
"FEE EI FXJ1M FORY.
I HAVE MADE MY
OWTST STORY."
Great rhyme, Giant. And
I'm snre your story is just as
good. But there's no room for
it. So why don't you climb
back up the beanstalk. I'll
be up in a few minutes to
steal your gold and your
singing harp. T>«?

2M5
"I'LL
GRIND
YOUR
BONES TO
MAKE MY
BREAD."
"I knew you'd understand.
And there's another little
thing that's been bugging
me Could you please
.

stop talking in uppercase

letters? It really messes
up the page."
"I WILL READ MY
STORY NOW,"
said the Giant. And he did.
 <•-'

GIANT STORY

TEE B» D

said "I'll HUFF and SNUFF and

??
i y e y © ui ih r e e w i s In e s

The bead t changed into *?

m

VE N D WA RVE S
Vr

HAPPILY EVER AFTER

spell had been cast by a Wicked Witch

^ce t^en a fam&

"That's your story?" said Jack.

"You've got to be kidding. That's not a
Fairly Stupid Tale. That's an Incredibly Stupid Tale.
That's an Unbelievably Stupid Tale. That is

the Most Stupid Tale Ever awwwk!"

I —
The Giant grabbed Jack and dragged him to the next page.
 .

JACK'S STORY

Once upon a time there was a

The Giant squeezed Jack
Giant.
and said, "TELL ME A BETTER STORY
OR I WILL GRIND YOUR BONES TO
MAKE MY BREAD. AND WHEN YOUR
STORY IS FINISHED, I WILL GRIND YOUR
BONES TO MAKE MY BREAD ANYWAY! HO,
HO, HO." The Giant laughed an ugly laugh.
Jack thought, "He'll kill me if I do. He'll kill
me if I don't. There's only one way to get out of this."
Jack cleared his throat, and then began his story.
Once upon a time there was a Giant. The Giant squeezed Jack and said,
"TELL ME A BETTER STORY OR I WILL GRIND YOUR BONES TO MAKE
MY BREAD. AND WHEN YOUR STORY IS FINISHED, I WILL GRIND YOUR
BONES TO MAKE MY BREAD ANYWAY! HO, HO, HO." The Giant laughed an ugly laugh.
Jack thought. "Hell kill me if I do. Hell kill me if I don't. There's only one way to get out of this." Jack
cleared his throat, and then hegan his story. Once upon a time there was a Giant. The Giant squeezed Jack and >ai<l.
"TELL ME V BETTER STORY OR WILL GRIND YOUR BONES TO MAKE Ml BREAD. AND WHEN YOUR STOR1 IS FINISHED,
I

W ILL GRIND YOLK BONES TOM \KE MV BRE ID \M \\ H HO, HO, HO." The Giant laughed an ugly laugh. Jack thought. "He'll kill
I !

rrn it I do. lit- II kill me 1 1 I don't. I here - onl) one wa) t«» gel out of this."* J ark cleared his throat, and linn hegan hu Blor) . Once upon a linn- there was a Giant.
The Giant squeezed Jack and said, TELL ME \ BETTER STORl OR WILL GRIND YOl I R BONES TO MAKE M*i UK KM). USD WHEN YOUR STOR1 IS
FINISHED WILL GRIND YOI K BONES TO MAKi
I
ln*i BREAD UVYWAY! HO, HO, HO." rtieGianl laughed an u»l> laugh. Jack thought, "He'll kill me if I do. He'll kill me if
I (Inn i .
I here - onl) our wa) to gel out of this."* J ark Once upon a time there wa- a Giant lli»- (iiani squeezed .lark and -aid.
cleared his throat, and then began bis story. \ "TELL MK
BETTER STOm ORIWHJ GRIND YOI R BONES rOMAKI Ml BRI IND WHEN YOI RSTORI
FINISHED, 1 WIU GRIND YOI R BONES ft) MAKI HI KIU ID ANYWAY! HO. HO, HO."The
\l» IS
h d an uglj laugh Jack though) He'll Will me rla He'll Uill me don'l b*re"i onl) one *.i\ i" eel oul of this." Jw k bared In- throat, and thru began abator) Once upon a tin*- there vj- j Giant.
il I it I I i

rhe( lack and rid. IMI ME A BETTER STORY OR I WIU GRIND YOUR BONES TO MAKF H~l BRI ID USD WHEN YOUR STORl IS FINISHED. I W1L1 GRIND YOUR BONES TO HAKf
MY BREAD ANYVAY! HO. "He'll kill in a*! da kill nr ifl don Ih.
I. on mtec* tmt^i ink lackrlrand
1 1. II ihroal. and ibrn bnaui k*4
i • pod - n* ilwr «m CmmM
il) l,,. ..

ThrCuuit tqiM-rsrdjWk *n.) uid. "TELI ME I Bl ITER STOrS "H »!l GRIND YOI R BONES It) MAM H\ lim VI I I \M» VHEN YOl'R STORl I" FINISHED. ftlll CRINDYOI R BONES TO MAKI Mil BREAD INVwaY! HO. HO. HO."
i I

TKrCii m. >'U kiH mr if I do II. Ilktllmr ,n i. Na .. loflkai lark rVwd hit thro* uri
. .
brim \m «*an Onn npoo a tonr ih. Am r. «» a G«nl Phr GSbnl ojomrd Jack aod wmi.
"IH *"
• •olt
l

BO* ...
» BETTER STUB* OR I ftllXGRINDIIKR Bu>E5 TO HAKE Ml BREAD *M»»ilt\ VlH RSTtlM i-hm-hik WlLL GRIND YlR'R RUNES TO MAKE
bM« d ki.lKr.ul »< ik.nl.Ln Wt. dsn On., »•
l» ikw ... . (.,.„. In. Cimm4 I.. I ._J_U Mil Ml I lit
-
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BREAD AM*A1 HO. HO. HO in. '.- U.wK-1 .» «el« L.ucb
IH MiiK* IIKlim .HIS Ii.l HllnM- lo U\k> VI HK1 Ul \M> »
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 iMPELSTILTSKIN
OR THE GIRL WHO REALLY BLEW IT

Once upon a time there was a beautiful girl named Cinderella who lived

with her wicked stepmother and two ugly stepsisters. These steprelatives
were not only wicked and ugly — they also made Cinderella clean the
house every day.
One day the local prince announced that he was holding a fabulous ball

at his castle. Everyone was invited.

The stepmother and stepsisters got all dressed up to go. But, as usual,
they made Cinderella clean the house, so she didn't have time to
get ready. After the stepmother and stepsisters left for the ball,

Cinderella sat down and began to cry.

Just then a little man appeared.
..
Please don't cry," he said. "I can help you spin straw into gold.''
a I
I don't think that will do me much good," said Cinderella. "I need
a fancy dress, glass slippers, and a coach.''
'Would you like to try to guess my name?" said the clever little man.
Cinderella looked at him. "No. Not really.'
a
Come on. Do you think it's ^Chester'?"
a
If you don't have a dress, it doesn't really matter.''
"Oh, just guess a name, any name.''
"I'm not supposed to talk to strangers," said Cinderella. Then she
closed the door and man standing outside screaming,
left the little

"RUMPELSTILTSKIN! RUMPELSTILTSKIN! RUMPELSTILTSKIN!"

When the stepmother and stepsisters got home from the ball,
Cinderella told them about the strange little man. They made
still

her clean the house. And meaner still, they changed her name to
Cinderumpelstiltskin. The End.
 \

4
 THE TORTOISE AND THE HAIR

Once upon a time there was a Tortoise

who was very slow but very dependable.
He would always get where he set out to go.
It just took him longer than most people.

One day Rabbit saw Tortoise walking

slowly but surely down the road and said,
"Tortoise, you are so slow. I could
probably grow hair faster than you run."
"Oh yeah?" said Tortoise slowly.
"Yeah," said Rabbit.
So they decided to race.
On the day of the big race Tortoise and
Rabbit lined up at the starting line.

Owl said, "On your mark. Get set. Grow!"

Tortoise started to run.
Rabbit started to grow his hair.
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his hair. se ran
it grew his hair.

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his hfttfC Tortoise^an.

abbit grew his hair.

Tortoise ran. Rabbit grew
his hair. Tortoise ran.

Rabbit grew his hair.

Tortoise is still running.

Rabbit is still growing
his hair.
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 THE STINKY CHEESE MAN

nee upon a time there was a little

old woman and a little old man who

lived together in a little old house.
They were
lonely.

So the little

old lady
decided to
mal*e a man
out of stinky
cheese.
She gave him a piece of bacon for
a mouth and two olives for eyes and
put him in the oven to cook.
 jrafl

m
When she opened the oven t

if he was done, the smell kno c i %

her back. "Phew!
terrible smell?" she cried.
What is t^
T^^
Stinky Cheese Man
hopped out of the
oven and ran out
the door calling,

JL "Run run run as

$&** fl fast as you can.
Jg[) You can't catch
L
me. Fm the Stinky
Cheese Man!"
The little old lady and the
little old man sniffed the air.
"Fm not really very hungry,"
said the little old man.
"Fm not really all that lonely,"
said the little old lady. So they
didn't chase the Stinky Cheese
Man. The Stinky Cheese Man
ran and ran until he met a cow
eating grass in a field. "Wow!
What's that awful smell?"
said the cow.
 t

Wfe*

«&
The Stinky Cheese Man said,
"I've run away from a little old lady
and a little old man and I can run
away from you too I can. Run run run
as fast as you can. You can't catch me.
I'm the Stinky Cheese Man!'
The cow gave another sniff and said,

TT1 bet you could give someone

two or three stomachaches.
I think I'll just eat weeds.'
So the cow didn't chase
the Stinky Cheese Man either.
The Stinky Cheese Man ran and ran
until he met some kids playing
outside school.
"Gross," said a little girl.
u
What's that nasty smell?''
44T'
I've run away from a little old lady,
and a little old man, and a cow, and
I can run away from you too I can.
Run run run as fast as you can.
You can't catch me.
I'm the Stinky Cheese Man!'
A little boy looked up, sniffed the
air and said, "If we catch him, our
teacher will probably make us eat
him. Let's get out of here.'
So the kids didn't chase
the Stinky Cheese Man either.
(//>
 . .

By and by the Stinky Cheese Man

came to a river with no bridge.
"How will I ever cross this river?

It's too big to jump, and if I try to swim

11
across I'll probably fall apart,
said You-Know- Who
Just then the sly fox (who shows up in

a lot of stories like these) poked his head

out of the bushes
"Why, just hop on my back and I'll

carry you across, Stinky Cheese Man."

"How do I know you won't eat me?"
"Trust me," said the fox.
So the Stinky Cheese Man hopped on
the fox's back.
The fox swam to the middle of the
river and said, "Oh man! What is that
funky smell?"
 : ,

i
*" b\

yo\
The fox coughed,
agged, and sneezed,
and the Stinky Cheese
Man flew off his back
and into the river

where
hefeU

The
End.
 /

i "Shhhhh. Be very
quiet. moved the
I

endpaper up here so
the Giant would think
thebook is over.
The big lug is finally
asleep. Now I can
sneak out of here.
Just turn the page
very quietly and that
will be The...

Ss
"I found the wheat.
I planted the wheat. I grew
the wheat. I harvested the
wheat. Iground the wheat.
I made the dough. I baked
the bread," said the Little

Red Hen."And did anyone

help me? Did anyone
save space for my story?
So now," said the Little

Red Hen, "who

thinks they're
going to help
me EAT the
BREAD?"
 V
X
/
/

y
\

"V

"BREAD?"said the Giant

a
EAT?"said the Giant.
 BOSTON PUBLIC LIBRARY

3 9999 02177 235 3

VIKING
Published by the Penguin Group
Penguin Books USA Inc., 375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014, U.S.A.
Penguin Books Ltd, 27 Wrights Lane. London W8 5TZ, England
Penguin Books Australia Ltd. Ringwood, Victoria, Australia
Penguin Books Canada Ltd, 10 Alcorn Avenue, Toronto. Ontario, Canada M4V 3B2
Penguin Books (N.Z.) Ltd, 182-190 Wairau Road, Auckland 10, New Zealand
Penguin Books Ltd. Registered Offices: Harmondsworth, Middlesex, England

First published in 1992 by Viking Penguin, a division of Penguin Books USA Inc.

109876 5 43
Text copyright © Jon Scieszka. 1992
Illustrations © Lane Smith, 1992
All rights reserved

Library of Congress Cataloging in Publication Data

The Stinky Cheese Man / by Jon Scieszka:
Scieszka. Jon. illustrated by Lane Smith.
Summary: Madcap revisions of familiar fairv tales.
ISBN 0-670-84487-X
1. Fairy tales — United States. 2. Children's stories, American.
[1. Fairytales. 2. Short stories.] I. Smith, Lane, ill.

PZ8.S3134St 1992 [E]—dc20 91-48194 CIP AC

Printed U.S.A. Set in Bodoni.
in
The rendered in oil and vinegar.
illustrations are
% ithout limiting the rights under copyright reserved a
may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a ret
in any form by any means (electronic, mechanical, ph
without the permission of both the copyright owner ?
Anyone caught telling these fairly stupid tales will be

DESIGN: Molly Leach. New York. New York

6A
h
Boston Public

LM BR
LOWER H PZ8
•S3134
BRANCH LI 1992

The Date Due Card in the pocket in-

dicates the date on or
before which
Sh ° Uld be returned to tne
Libra?
n0t remove cards from
this
pock!^
JON SCIESZKA also wrote
The True Story of the Three Little
Pigs, The Frog Prince Continued,
and the Time Warp Trio series.
He eannot tell a lie and says that he
and Lane celebrate the Stinky
Cheese Man's birthday on the
second Monday of every February.

Honest LANE SMITH wrote and

illustrated Glasses, Who Needs
'Em? The Big Pets, and Flying
,

Jake. He illustrated the Time

Warp Trio series, The True Story of
the Three Little Pigs, and
Halloween ABC. He has won the
Golden Apple of Bratislava, the
Silver Buckeye, the Silver Medal
from the Societv of Illustrators,
and a bunch of other gold and
silver stuff. If he hadn't been an
he probably would
illustrator,
have grown up in a log cabin and
become president.
Jacket illustration copyright ! Lone Smith . 1992
Printed in ( .SJL

DESIGN: Molh l.cacli. New York, NewYork

\IM\(.
\ division of Penguin Hook- I S V Inc.
375 ludson Street
I

New York, New York 1001 1

"What is this doing here?
This is Who is this
ugly!
ISBN guy? Who will buy this
book anyway? Over fifty

pages of nonsense and I'm

only in three of them. Blah,
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah,
blah, blah,
blah, blah,
blah, blah."