SIDES

SIDE 1:

NARRATOR
I would like - if I may - to take you on a strange journey. It seemed a fairly ordinary night when
Brad Majors, and his fiancée Janet Weiss ... (two young ordinary healthy kids) ... left Denton
that late November evening to visit a Dr. Evrett Scott ex tutor and now friend to both of them ...
It's true there were dark storm clouds, heavy - black and pendulous - toward which they were
driving, it's true also that the spare tire they were carrying was badly in need of some air - but
they being normal kids and on a night out - well - they were not going to let a storm spoil
the events of their evening. On a night out. (Thunder) It was a night out they were to remember
(Thunder) for a very - long - time.

SIDE 2:

BRAD. Hmmm.

JANET. What's the matter, Brad darling?

BRAD. I think we took the wrong fork a few miles back there. We'd better go on ahead up the
road and see if we
can find our way back. (They move off. BLOW-OUT.) Oh darn! Janet.

JANET. What was that bang?

BRAD. We seem to have a blow-out in the front left-hand tire.

BRAD. You'd better stay here and keep warm while I go for help.

JANET. But where will you go? We're in the middle of nowhere.

BRAD. Didn't we pass a castle back down the road a few miles? Maybe they have a telephone I
might use.

JANET. I'm coming with you.

BRAD. There's no point in both of us getting wet.

JANET. I'm coming with you. Besides, darling, the owner of the phone may be a beautiful
woman, and you may
never come back.

BRAD. Ha Ha Ha.

SIDE 3:

RIFF RAFF. Wait here.

BRAD. (To RIFF RAFF as he exits.) Excuse me.

JANET. Oh Brad what sort of a place is this - I'm frightened.

BRAD. It's probably some sort of hunting lodge for rich weirdos - but you're shivering.

JANET. Yes I'm wet.

BRAD. Look feel this - there's hot air coming from this grille in the wall - take off your sweater
and dry it here. I'll
keep a look out for the undertaker.

JANET. (Screams as sweater is snatched from her by hand through grill.) Oh!

BRAD. For God's sake keep a grip on yourself Janet. I'm here - there's nothing to worry about.
Here dry my coat
too.

JANET. O.K. (RIFF RAFF, COLUMBIA and MAGENTA enter. JANET screams.) Agghhh!!!
BRAD. It's alright, Janet. Excuse me, hi, look if I could just use your phone, we'll move right
along - I'm sure you've
got a lot of things to do and a great evening planned.

RIFF RAFF. Oh yes, you've arrived on a rather special night, the master is having one of his
affairs.

JANET. Lucky old him.

MAGENTA. Yeah - he's lucky - I'm lucky - you're lucky - we're all lucky …

COLUMBIA. All except Eddie.

RIFF RAFF. SSHHH!!!

JANET. Eddie?

RIFF RAFF & MAGENTA. SSHHH!!!

MAGENTA. The delivery boy.

COLUMBIA. His delivery wasn't good enough.

RIFF RAFF. The master only wanted to help the boy better his position.

BRAD. That's very commendable …

RIFF RAFF. Yes, it seems like only yesterday since he went ..

JANET. Where?

MAGENTA. To pieces.

RIFF RAFF & MAGENTA. Ha Ha Ha.

SIDE 4:

FRANK. Unlock a mind - unmind a lock - it's the same as the beginning of the end - do you
follow?

JANET. No.

BRAD. It's an anagram, Janet.

BRAD & JANET. No.

FRANK. No. You're right, I won't - how delightful to have fresh faces around. Magenta -
Columbia - go and assist Riff Raff - I will entertain - Ahh.

BRAD. Brad Majors.

FRANK. Brad Majors.

BRAD. And this is my fiancée Janet Weiss. (He pronounces it "Vice".)

JANET. Weiss.

BRAD. Weiss.

FRANK. Enchanted. How nice - and what charming under-clothes you both have… We don't
often receive visitors
here, let alone show them hospitality.

BRAD. Hospitality! All we wanted was to use your phone, a reasonable request which you have
chosen to ignore.

JANET. Don't be ungrateful, Brad.

BRAD. Ungrateful!

FRANK. How forceful you are, Brad, what a perfect example of manhood - so dominant - you
must be very proud, Janet.

JANET. Yes.

FRANK. Tonight Brad and Janet, you are to witness a new breakthrough in Biochemical
research and paradise is to be mine …

JANET. Oh how wonderful for you.

FRANK. Yes. It was strange the way it happened ... one of those quirks of fate really ... one of
those moments when ... everything looks black, the chips are down, your back is against the
wall. You panic - you're trapped - there's no way out and even if there was it would probably be
a one way ticket to the bottom of the bay. And then suddenly you get a break - all the pieces
seem to fit into place - what a sucker you'd been - what a fool - the answer was there all the
time - it took a small accident to make it happen. An accident.

SIDE 5:

ROCKY. Oh! It's you - look I'm trying to hide from my creator and his minion - they scare me - I
feel that all is not well here. I have been thinking a lot about - (Eddie) I have a feeling of
foreboding.

JANET. It's all like some terrible dream.

ROCKY. Is it true you don't like men with too many muscles?

JANET. Well …

ROCKY. Have you got any lip gloss?

JANET. I'm engaged to Brad, just the same as Betty Munroe was to Ralf Hapshatt. But Frank's
kisses overwhelmed me with an ecstasy I had never dreamed of before - hot burning kisses - I
could see Brad's face before me, and my mind screamed - No! - but my lips were hungry, too
hungry - I wanted to be loved, and loved completely - my body throbbed excitedly - Oh Brad,
Brad my darling how could I have done this to you.

ROCKY. This room is a womb to me.

JANET. Yes - there you see, it's instinctive - you returned here for one thing - security. Oh
where's Brad - ? (She fiddles with TV monitor.) What have they done with him?
(Sees FRANK kissing BRAD.)

JANET. Aaahhh!

ROCKY. Oh, you can't rely on anyone.

JANET. Oh Brad! - How could you?

SIDE 6:

COLUMBIA. Hi - Ho - Silver.

BRAD. Dr. Scott!

FRANK. Don't play games, Dr. Scott. It was part of your plan, was it not, that Brad Majors and
his female should check the layout for you - unfortunately for you all there is to be a change of
plans - I'm sure you're adaptable, Dr.Scott - I know Brad is.

SCOTTY. I can assure you that Brad's presence here comes as a complete surprise to me. As
does the set up you have here - I didn't expect it to be quite so ...
(He goes to inspect laboratory.)

FRANK. Sophisticated - Dr. Scott? Or should I say Dr. Von Scott?

BRAD. What exactly are you implying?

SCOTTY. They didn't prove nothink! Ah - this machine here …

BRAD. What do you think it is, Doc?

SCOTTY. At this precise moment it's hard to tell - but it seems to be made of a metal that is not
of this earth - I would say it was from another planet.
(JANET and ROCKY are revealed in lab.)
(The following dialogue should be repeated exactly the same each time.)

JANET. Brad!

SCOTTY. Janet!

FRANK. Rocky!

JANET. Dr. Scott! Brad!

SCOTTY. Janet!

FRANK. Rocky!

JANET. Dr. Scott! Brad!

SCOTTY. Janet!

FRANK. Rocky!

JANET. Dr. Scott!

ROCKY. Piss off.

FRANK. Listen - I made him and I can break him just as easily - I'll pull his plug out.

SCOTTY. I suppose you intend to do with us as you did for Eddie.

BRAD. Eddie - I've seen him, he looks terrible.

FRANK. What do you know of Eddie, Dr. Scott?

SCOTTY. I happen to know a great deal about a lot of things - you see Eddie happens to be my
nephew.

BRAD. Dr. Scott!

SCOTTY. Yes, Brad - my sister's boy. I knew he was in with a bad crowd, but it was worse than I
imagined - aliens.

BRAD. Tell them, Doc.

SIDE 7:

FRANK. Columbia - the artistes are in a molecular state somewhere between entrance and exit.
When they've pulled themselves together - see that they are prepared for the floorshow.
(COLUMBIA flips.)

COLUMBIA. My God! I can't take any more of this. First you ditch me for Eddie and then you
throw him off like an old overcoat for Rocky. You chew people up and then you spit them out
again. I loved you, do you hear? I loved you, and what did I get? I'll tell you, a big fat nothing.
You're like a sponge, you take, take, take and drain others of their affection. Well, I've had it, I'm
out of here, and I mean. (RIFF RAFF sprays her.) Oh wow - I dig that - it's wicked, it's a gas - I'm
groovy I'm hip, man - it's like a trip - ah, wow, my God - freak out baby - dig you later.