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Discovering Diverse Content Through
Random Scribd Documents
Lis. Now you have time then, about it immediately, for he's a sort of desperate
spark, and a body does not know what he may do, if he shou'd not hear from
you; besides you promised him, and you must behave yourself like a woman
of honour, and keep your word.
Mar. I'll about it this minute.
Enter Charly.
Char. Cousin, cousin, cousin, where are you going? Come back, I have
something to say to you.
Lis. What does this troublesome boy want?
Char. What's that to you what I want? perhaps I have something to say to her
that will make her laugh——why sure! what need you care?
Mar. Don't snub my cousin Charly——well, what is't?
Char. Who do you think I met, as I was coming here, but that handsome
gentleman I've seen at church ogle you like any devil?
Mar. Hush, softly, cousin.
Lis. Not a word of that for your life.
Char. O I know I shou'd not speak on't before folks; you know I made signs to
you above, that I wanted to speak to you in private, didn't I, cousin?
Mar. Yes, yes, I saw you.
Char. You see I can keep a secret.——I am no girl, mun——I believe I cou'd
tell you fifty and fifty to that, of my sister Cicely——O she's the devil of a girl
——but she gives me money and sugar-plumbs——and those that are kind to
me fare the better for it, you see cousin.
Mar. I always said my cousin Charly was a good-natur'd boy.
Lis. Well, and did he know you?
Char. Yes, I think he did know me—for he took me in his arms, and did so hug
and kiss me——between you and I, cousin, I believe he is one of the best
friends I have in the world.
Mar. Well, but what did he say to you?
Char. Why, he ask'd me where I was going; I told him I was coming to see
you; you're a lying young rogue, says he, I'm sure you dare not go see your
cousin—for you must know my sister was with me, and it seems he took her
for a crack, and I being a forward boy, he fancied I was going to make love to
her under a hedge, ha, ha.
Mar. So.
Char. So he offer'd to lay me a Lewis d'Or that I was not coming to you; so
done, says I——Done, says he,——and so 'twas a bett, you know.
Mar. Certainly.
Char. So my sister's honour being concern'd, and having a mind to win his
Lewis d'Or, d'ye see——I bid him follow me, that he might see whether I
came in or no—but he said he'd wait for me at the little garden gate that
opens into the fields, and if I would come thro' the house and meet him
there, he should know by that whether I had been in or no.
Mar. Very well.
Char. So I went there, open'd the gate and let him in—
Mar. What then?
Char. Why then he paid me the Lewis d'Or, that's all.
Mar. Why, that was honestly done.
Char. And then he talk'd to me of you, and said you had the charmingest
bubbies, and every time he nam'd 'em, ha! says he, as if he had been sipping
hot tea.
Mar. But was this all?
Char. No, for he had a mind, you must know, to win his Lewis d'Or back
again; so he laid me another, that I dare not come back, and tell you that he
was there; so cousin, I hope you won't let me lose, for if you don't go to him
and tell him that I've won, he won't pay me.
Mar. What, wou'd you have me go and speak to a man?
Char. Not for any harm, but to win your poor cousin a Lewis d'Or. I'm sure
you will—for you're a modest young woman, and may go without danger——
Well, cousin, I'll swear you look very handsome to-day, and have the prettiest
bubbies there; do let me feel 'em, I'll swear you must.
Mar. What does the young rogue mean? I swear I'll have you whipt.
[Exeunt Charly and Mariamne.
Enter Colin.
Col. Ha, ha, ha! our old gentleman's a wag efaith, he'll be even with 'em for
all this, ha, ha, ha——
Lis. What's the matter? what does the fool laugh at?
Col. We an't in our house now, Lisetta, we're in an inn: ha, ha!
Lis. How in an inn?
Col. Yes, in an inn, my measter has gotten an old rusty sword, and hung it up
at our geat, and writ underneath with a piece of charcoal with his own fair
hand, At the Sword Royal; entertainment for man and horse: ha, ha——
Lis. What whim is this?
Col. Thou, and I, live at the Sword Royal, ha, ha—
Lis. I'll go tell my mistress of her father's extravagance.
[Exit Lisetta.

S C E N E VII.

Enter Mr. Barnard and Griffard.

Mr. Barn. Ha, ha! yes I think this will do. Sirrah, Colin, you may now let in all
the world; the more the better.
Colin. Yes, Sir——Ods-flesh! we shall break all the inns in the country——For
we have a brave handsome landlady, and a curious young lass to her
daughter——O, here comes my young measter——We'll make him
chamberlain——ha, ha——
Enter Dorant.
Mr. Barn. What's the matter, son? How comes it that you are all alone? You
used to do me the favour to bring some of your friends along with ye.
Dor. Sir, there are some of 'em coming; I only rid before, to beg you to give
them a favourable reception.
Mr. Barn. Ay why not? it is both for your honour and mine; you shall be
master.
Dor. Sir, we have now an opportunity of making all the gentlemen in the
country our friends.
Mr Barn. I'm glad on't with all my heart; pray how so?
Dor. There's an old quarrel to be made up between two families, and all the
company are to meet at our house.
Mr. Barn. Ay, with all my heart; but pray, what is the quarrel?
Dor. O, Sir, a very ancient quarrel; It happened between their great
grandfathers about a duck.
Mr. Barn. A quarrel of consequence truly.
Dor. And 'twill be a great honour to us, if this shou'd be accommodated at our
house.
Mr. Barn. Without doubt.
Dor. Dear Sir, you astonish me with this goodness; how shall I express this
obligation? I was afraid, Sir, you would not like it.
Mr. Barn. Why so?
Dor. I thought, Sir, you did not care for the expence.
Mr. Barn. O Lord, I am the most alter'd man in the world from what I was, I'm
quite another thing, mun; but how many are there of 'em?
Dor. Not above nine or ten of a side, Sir.
Mr. Barn. O, we shall dispose of them easily enough.
Dor. Some of 'em will be here present'y, the rest I don't expect 'till to-morrow
morning.
Mr. Barn. I hope they're good companions, jolly fellows, that love to eat and
drink well.
Dor. The merriest, best-natur'd creatures in the world, Sir.
Mr. Barn. I'm very glad on't, for 'tis such men I want. Come, brother, you and
I will go and prepare for their reception.
[Exeunt Mr. Barnard and his brother.
Dor. Bless me, what an alteration is here! How my father's temper is chang'd
within these two or three days! Do you know the meaning of it?
Col. Why the meaning on't is, ha, ha——
Dor. Can you tell me the cause of this sudden change, I say?
Col. Why the cause on't is, ha, ha.——
Dor. What do you laugh at, sirrah? do you know?
Col. Ha——because the old gentleman's a drole, that's all.
Dor. Sirrah, if I take the cudgel——
Col. Nay, Sir, don't be angry for a little harmless mirth——But here are your
friends.

S C E N E VIII.

Enter three gentlemen.

Dor. Gentlemen you are welcome to Pasty-Hall; see that these gentlemens
horses are taken care of.
1 Gen. A very fine dwelling this.
Dor. Yes, the house is tolerable.
2 Gen. And a very fine lordship belongs to it.
Dor. The land is good.
3 Gen. This house ought to have been mine, for my grandfather sold it to his
father, from whom your father purchased it.
Dor. Yes, the house has gone thro' a great many hands.
1 Gen. A sign there has always been good house-keeping in it.
Dor. And I hope there ever will.
Enter Mr. Barnard, and Griffard, drest
like drawers.
Mr. Barn. Gentlemen, do you call? will you please to see a room, gentlemen?
somebody take off the gentlemens boots there?
Dor. Father! uncle! what is the meaning of this?
Mr. Barn. Here, shew a room——or will you please to walk into the kitchen
first, gentlemen, and see what you like for dinner.
1 Gen. Make no preparations, Sir, your own dinner is sufficient.
Mr. Barn. Very well, I understand ye; let's see, how many are there of ye?
[Tells 'em.] One, two, three, four: well, gentlemen, 'tis but half a crown a-
piece for yourselves, and sixpence a-head for your servants; your dinner shall
be ready in half an hour; here, shew the gentlemen into the Apollo.
2 Gen. What, Sir, does your father keep an inn?
Mr. Barn. The Sword Royal; at your service, Sir.
Dor. But father let me speak to you; would you disgrace me?
Mr. Barn. My wine is very good, gentlemen, but to be very plain with ye, it is
dear.
Dor. O, I shall run distracted.
Mr. Barn. You seem not to like my house, gentlemen; you may try all the inns
in the county, and not be better entertained; but I own my bills run high.
Dor. Gentlemen, let me beg the favour of ye.
1 Gen. Ay, my young 'Squire of the Sword Royal', you shall receive some
favours from us.
Dor. Dear Monsieur le Guarantiere.
1 Gen. Here, my horse there.
Dor. Monsieur la Rose.
2 Gen. Damn ye, ye prig.
Dor. Monsieur Trofignac.
3 Gen. Go to the devil.
[Exeunt Gentlemen.
Dor. O, I'm disgrac'd for ever.
Mr. Barn. Now, son, this will teach you how to live.
Dor. Your son? I deny the kindred; I'm the son of a whore, and I'll burn your
house about your ears, you old rogue you.
[Exit.
Mr. Barn. Ha, ha——
Griff. The young gentleman's in a passion.
Mr. Barn. They're all gone for all that, and the Sword Royal's the best general
in Christendom.
Enter Erastus's servant, talking with
Lisetta.
Lis. What, that tall gentleman I saw in the garden with ye?
Serv. The same, he's my master's uncle, and ranger of the king's forests——
He intends to leave my master all he has.
Mr. Barn. Don't I know this scoundrel? What, is his master here? What do you
do here, rascal?
Serv. I was asking which must be my master's chamber.
Mr. Barn. Where is your master?
Serv. Above stairs with your wife and daughter; and I want to know where
he's to lie that I may put up his things.
Mr. Barn. Do you so, rascal?
Serv. A very handsome inn this—Here, drawer, fetch me a pint of wine.
Mr. Barn. Take that, rascal, do you banter us?
[Kicks him out.
Enter Mrs. Barnard.
Mrs. Barn. What is the meaning of this, husband? Are not you asham'd to turn
your house into an inn——and is this a dress for my spouse, and a man of
your character?
Mr. Barn. I'd rather wear this dress than be ruin'd.
Mrs. Barn. You're nearer being so than you imagine: for there are some
persons within, who have it in their power to punish you for your ridiculous
folly.
Enter Erastus, leading in Mariamne.
Mr. Barn. How, Sir, what means this? who sent you here?
Er. It was the luckiest star in your firmament that sent me here.
Mr. Barn. Then I doubt, at my birth, the planets were but in a scurvy
disposition.
Er. Killing one of the king's stags, that run hither for refuge, is enough to
overturn a fortune much better established than yours——However, Sir, if you
will consent to give me your daughter, for her sake I will bear you harmless.
Mr. Barn. No, Sir, no man shall have my daughter, that won't take my house
too.
Er. Sir, I will take your house; pay you the full value of it, and you shall remain
as much master of it as ever.
Mr. Barn. No, Sir, that won't do neither; you must be master yourself, and
from this minute begin to do the honours of it in your own person.
Er. Sir, I readily consent.
Mr. Barn. Upon that condition, and in order to get rid of my house, here, take
my daughter——And now, Sir, if you think you've a hard bargain, I don't care
if I toss you in my wife to make you amends.

Well then, since all things thus are fairly sped,

My Son in anger, and my Daughter wed;
My House dispos'd of, the sole cause of strife, }
I now may hope to lead a happy life, }
If I can part with my Engaging Wife. }
 A
Journey to London.
Being Part of a
COMEDY.
Written by
Sir John Vanbrugh.
 Dramatis Personæ.

MEN.

Sir Francis Headpiece, a country gentleman.

Lord Loverule.
Sir Charles.
Uncle Richard, uncle to Sir Francis.
Squire Humphry, son to Sir Francis.
Colonel Courtly.
John Moody, servant to Sir Francis.
James, servant to uncle Richard.

WOMEN.

Lady Headpiece.
Miss Betty, her daughter.
Lady Arabella, wife to Lord Loverule.
Clarinda, a young unmarried lady.
Mrs. Motherly, one that lets lodgings.
Martilla, her niece.

A
Journey to London.
 A C T I. S C E N E I.
S C E N E Uncle Richard's House.
Uncle Richard solus.

W
hat prudent cares does this deep foreseeing nation take, for
the support of its worshipful families! In order to which, and
that they may not fail to be always significant and useful in
their country, it is a settled foundation-point that every child that is
born shall be a beggar——except one; and that he——shall be a fool
——My grandfather was bred a fool, as the country report: my father
was a fool,——as my mother used to say; my brother was a fool, to
my own knowledge, though a great justice of the peace; and he has
left a son, that will make his son a fool, or I am mistaken. The lad is
now fourteen years old, and but just out of his Psalter. As to his
honour'd father, my much esteem'd nephew, here I have him.
[Shewing a letter.] In this proprofound epistle (which I have just
now received) there is the top and bottom of him. Forty years and
two is the age of him; in which it is computed by his butler, his own
person has drank two and thirty ton of ale. The rest of his time has
been employed in persecuting all the poor four-legg'd creatures
round, that wou'd but run away fast enough from him, to give him
the high-mettled pleasure of running after them. In this noble
employ he has broke his right arm, his left leg, and both his collar-
bones——Once he broke his neck, but that did him no harm: A
nimble hedge leaper, a brother of the stirrup that was by, whipt off
his horse and mended it. His estate being left him with two
jointures, and three weighty mortgages upon it, he to make all easy,
and pay his brother's and sister's portions, married a profuse young
housewife for love, with never a penny of money. Having done all
this, like his brave ancestors, for the support of the family, he now
finds children and interest money make such a bawling about his
ears, that he has taken the friendly advice of his neighbour, the good
Lord Courtlove, to run his estate two thousand pounds more in debt,
that he may retrieve his affairs by being a parliament-man, and
bringing his wife to London, to play off an hundred pounds at dice
with ladies of quality, before breakfast.
But let me read this wiseacre's letter once over again.
Most Honoured Uncle,

I
do not doubt but you have much rejoiced at my success, in my
election; it has cost me some money, I own: but what of all that!
I am a parliament-man, and that will set all to rights. I have lived
in the country all my days, 'tis true; but what then! I have made
speeches at the sessions, and in the vestry too, and can elsewhere
perhaps, as well as some others that do; and I have a noble friend
hard by, who has let me into some small knowledge of what's what
at Westminster. And so that I may always be at hand to serve my
country, I have consulted with my wife, about taking a house at
London, and bringing her and my family up to town; which, her
opinion is, will be the rightest thing in the world.
My wife's opinion about bringing her to London! I'll read no more of
thee——Beast.
[Strikes the letter down with his
stick.
Enter James hastily.
James. Sir, Sir, do you hear the news? they are all a-coming.
Unc. Rich. Ay, sirrah, I hear it with a pox to it.
James. Sir, here's John Moody arriv'd already; he's stumping about
the streets in his dirty boots, and asking every man he meets, if they
can tell where he may have a good lodging for a parliament-man, 'till
he can hire such a house as becomes him; he tells them his lady and
all the family are coming too, and that they are so nobly attended,
they care not a fig for any body. Sir, they have added two cart-
horses to the four old geldings, because my lady will have it said,
she came to town in her coach and six, and (ha, ha,) heavy George
the plowman rides postillion.
Unc. Rich. Very well; the journey begins as it shou'd do——James.
James. Sir.
Unc. Rich. Dost know whether they bring all the children with them?
James. Only 'Squire Humphry, and Miss Betty, Sir; the other six are
put to board at half a crown a week a head, with Joan Growse, at
Smoke-Dunghill farm.
Unc. Rich. The Lord have mercy upon all good folks! what work will
these people make! dost know when they'll be here?
James. John says, Sir, they'd have been here last night, but that the
old wheezy-belly horse tir'd, and the two fore-wheels came crash
down at once in Waggonrut-lane. Sir, they were cruelly loaden, as I
understand; my lady herself, he says, laid on four mail trunks,
besides the great deal-box, which fat Tom sat upon behind.
Unc. Rich. Soh!
James. Then within the coach there was Sir Francis, my Lady, and
the great fat lap-dog, 'Squire Humphry, Miss Betty, my Lady's maid
Mrs. Handy, and Doll Tripe the cook; but she puked with sitting
backward, so they mounted her into the coach-box.
Unc. Rich. Very well.
James. Then, Sir, for fear of a famine, before they should get to the
baiting-place, there was such baskets of plumb-cake, Dutch-
gingerbread, Cheshire-cheese, Naples-biscuits, Macaroons, Neats-
tongues, and cold boil'd beef——and in case of sickness, such bottles
of usquebaugh, black cherry-brandy, cinamon-water, sack, tent, and
strong beer, as made the old coach crack again.
Unc. Rich. Well said!
James. And for defence of this good cheer, and my Lady's little pearl
necklace, there was the family basket-hilt sword, the great Turkish
cimiter, the old blunderbuss, a good bag of bullets, and a great horn
of gunpowder.
Unc. Rich. Admirable!
James. Then for band-boxes, they were so bepiled up to Sir Francis's
nose, that he could only peep out at a chance hole with one eye, as
if he were viewing the country thro' a perspective glass. But, Sir, if
you please, I'll go look after John Moody a little for fear of accidents:
For he never was in London before, you know, but one week, and
then he was kidnapp'd into a house of ill repute, where he exchang'd
all his money and clothes for a——um. So I'll go look after him, Sir.
[Exit.
Unc. Rich. Nay, I don't doubt but this wise expedition will be
attended with more adventures than one.——This noble head, and
supporter of his family, will, as an honest country gentleman, get
credit enough amongst the tradesmen, to run so far in debt in one
session, as will make him just fit for a gaol, when he's drop'd at the
next election. He will make his speeches in the house to shew the
government of what importance he can be to them, by which they
will see, he can be of no importance at all; and he will find in time,
that he stands valued at (if he votes right) being sometimes——
invited to dinner. Then his wife (who has ten times more of a jade
about her than he yet knows of) will so improve in this rich soil, she
will, in one month, learn every vice the finest lady in the town can
teach her. She will be extremely courteous to the fops who make
love to her in jest, and she will be extremely grateful to those who
do it in earnest. She will visit all ladies that will let her into their
houses, and she will run in debt to all the shopkeepers that will let
her into their books. In short, before her husband has got five pound
by a speech at Westminster, she will have lost five hundred at cards
and dice in the parish of St. James's. Wife and family to London with
a pox!
[Going off.
Enter James and John Moody.
James. Dear John Moody, I'm so glad to see you in London once
more.
John Moody. And I you, my dear James: Give me a kiss——Why
that's friendly.
James. I wish they had been so, John, that you met with when you
were here before.
John Moody. Ah——Murrain upon all rogues and whores, I say: But I
am grown so cunning now, the de'el himself can't handle me. I have
made a notable bargain for these lodgings here, we are to pay but
five pounds a week, and have all the house to ourselves.
James. Where are the people that belong to it to be then?
John Moody. O! there's only the gentlewoman, her two maids, and a
cousin, a very pretty civil young woman truly, and the maids are the
merriest griggs——
James. Have a care, John.
John Moody. O, fear nothing, we did so play together last night.
James. Hush, here comes my master.
Enter Uncle Richard.
Unc. Rich. What! John has taken these lodgings, has he?
James. Yes, Sir, he has taken 'em.
Unc. Rich. Oh John! how dost do, honest John? I am glad to see
thee with all my heart.
John Moody. I humbly thank your worship. I'm staut still, and a
faithful awd servant to th' family. Heaven prosper aw that belong
to't.
Unc. Rich. What, they are all upon the road?
John Moody. As mony as the awd coach wou'd hauld, Sir: the Lord
send 'em well to tawn.
Unc. Rich. And well out on't again, John, ha!
John Moody. Ah, Sir! you are a wise man, so am I: home's home, I
say. I wish we get any good here. I's sure we got little upo' the road.
Some mischief or other aw the day long. Slap goes one thing, crack
goes another; my Lady cries out for driving fast: The awd cattle are
for going slow; Roger whips, they stand still and kick; nothing but a
sort of a contradiction aw the journey long. My Lady wou'd gladly
have been here last night, Sir, tho' there was no lodging got; but her
Ladyship said, she did naw care for that, she'd lie in the inn where
the horses stood, as long as it was in London.
Unc. Rich. These ladies, these ladies, John——
John Moody. Ah, Sir, I have seen a little of 'em, tho' not so much as
my betters. Your worship is naw married yet?
Unc. Rich. No, John no; I am an old batchelor still.
John Moody. Heav'ns bless you and preserve you, Sir.
Unc. Rich. I think you have lost your good woman, John!
John Moody. No, sir, that I have not; Bridget sticks to me still, Sir,
she was for coming to London too, but, no, says I, there may be
mischief enough done without you.
Unc. Rich. Why that was bravely spoken, John, and like a man.
John Moody. Sir, were my measter but haf the mon that I am,
Gadswookers——tho' he'll speak stautly too sometimes, but then he
canno hawd it; no, he canno hawd it.
Enter Maid.
Maid. Mr. Moody, Mr. Moody, here's the coach come.
John Moody. Already? no, sure.
Maid. Yes, yes, it's at the door, they are getting out; my mistress is
run to receive them.
John Moody. And so will I as in duty bound.
[Exeunt John and maid.
Unc. Rich. And I will stay here, not being in duty bound to do the
honours of this house.
Enter Sir Francis, Lady, 'Squire
Humphry, Mrs. Betty, Mrs. Handy,
Doll Tripe, John Moody, and Mrs.
Motherly.
Lady Head. Do you hear, Moody, let all the things be first laid down
here, and then carried where they'll be used.
John Moody. They shall, an't please your ladyship.
Lady Head. What, my uncle Richard here to receive us! this is kind
indeed: Sir, I am extremely glad to see you.
Unc. Rich. Niece, your servant. [Salutes her.] I am extremely sorry to
see you, in the worst place I know in the world for a good woman to
grow better in. Nephew, I am your servant too; but I don't know
how to bid you welcome.
Sir Fran. I am sorry for that, Sir.
Unc. Rich. Nay, 'tis for your own sake: I'm not concern'd.
Sir Fran. I hope, uncle, I shall give you such weighty reasons for
what I've done, as shall convince you I'm a prudent man.
Unc. Rich. That wilt thou never convince me of, whilst thou shalt
live.
[Aside.
Sir Fran. Here, Humphry, come up to your uncle——Sir, this is your
godson.
Squire Humph. Honour'd uncle and godfather; I creave leave to ask
your blessing.
[Kneels.
Unc. Rich. Thou art a numbscull I see already.
[Aside.
There thou hast it. [Puts his hand on his head.] And if it will do thee
any good, may it be, to make thee, at least, as wise a man as thy
father.
Lady Head. Miss Betty, don't you see your uncle?
Unc. Rich. And for thee, my dear, may'st thou be, at least, as good a
woman as thy mother.
Miss Betty. I wish I may ever be so handsome, Sir.
Unc. Rich. Ha! Miss Pert! now that's a thought that seems to have
been hatch'd in the girl on this side Highgate.
[Aside.
Sir Fran. Her tongue is a little nimble, Sir.
Lady Head. That's only from her country education, Sir Francis, she
has been kept there too long; I therefore brought her to London, Sir,
to learn more reserve and modesty.
Unc. Rich. O! the best place in the world for it. Every woman she
meets, will teach her something of it. There's the good gentlewoman
of the house, looks like a knowing person, ev'n she perhaps will be
so good to read her a lesson, now and then, upon that subject. An
arrant bawd, or I have no skill in physiognomy.
[Aside.
Mrs. Moth. Alas, Sir, Miss won't stand long in need of my poor
instructions; if she does, they'll be always at her service.
Lady Head. Very obliging, indeed, Mrs. Motherly.
Sir Fran. Very kind and civil truly; I believe we are got into a mighty
good house here.
Unc. Rich. For good business, very probable.
[Aside.
Well, niece, your servant for to-night; you have a great deal of
affairs upon your hands here, so I won't hinder you.
Lady Head. I believe, Sir, I shan't have much less every day, while I
stay in this town, of one sort or other.
Unc. Rich. Why, 'tis a town of much action indeed.
Miss Betty. And my mother did not come to it to be idle, Sir.
Unc. Rich. Nor you neither, I dare say, young mistress.
Miss Betty. I hope not, Sir.
Unc. Rich. Um! Miss Mettle.
[Going, Sir Francis following him.
Where are you going, nephew?
Sir Fran. Only to attend you to the door, Sir.
Unc. Rich. Phu! no ceremony with me; you'll find I shall use none
with you, or your family.
[Exit.
Sir Fran. I must do as you command me, Sir.
Miss Petty. This uncle Richard, papa, seems but a crusty sort of an
old fellow.
Sir Fran. He is a little odd, child, but you must be very civil to him,
for he has a great deal of money, and nobody knows who he may
give it to.
Lady Head. Phu, a fig for his money; you have so many projects of
late about money, since you are a parliament man, we must make
ourselves slaves to his testy humours, seven years, perhaps, in
hopes to be his heirs; and then, he'll be just old enough to marry his
maid. But pray let us take care of our things here: Are they all
brought in yet?
Mrs. Han. Almost, my lady, there are only some of the band-boxes
behind, and a few odd things.
Lady Head. Let 'em be fetcht in presently.
Mrs. Han. They are here; come bring the things in: Is there all yet?
Serv. All but the great basket of apples and the goose-pye.
Enter Cookmaid.
Cook. Ah my Lady! we're aw undone, the goose-pye's gwon.
All. Gone?
Sir Fran. The goose-pye gone? how?
Cook. Why, Sir, I had got it fast under my arm to bring it in, but
being almost dark, up comes two of these thin starv'd London
rogues, one gives me a great kick o' the——here; [Laying her hand
upon her backside.] while t'other hungry varlet twitch'd the dear pye
out of my hands, and away they run dawn street like two
grayhounds. I cry'd out fire! but heavy George and fat Tom are after
'em with a vengeance; they'll sauce their jackets for 'em, I'll warrant
'em.
Enter George with a bloody face,
and Tom.
So, have you catch'd 'em?
Geo. Catch'd 'em! the gallows catch 'em for me. I had naw run half
the length of our beam, before somewhat fetch me such a wherry
across the shins, that dawn came I flop o' my face all along in the
channel, and thought I shou'd ne'er ha gotten up again; but Tom
has skawar'd after them, and cried murder as he'd been stuck.
Tom. Yes, and straight upo' that, swap comes somewhat across my
forehead, with such a force, that dawn came I like an ox.
Squire Humph. So, the poor pye's quite gone then.
Tom. Gone, young measter, yeaten, I believe by this time. These, I
suppose, are what they call sharpers in this country.
Squire Humph. It was a rare good pye.
Cook. As e'er these hands put pepper to.
Lady Head. Pray, Mrs. Motherly, do they make a practice of these
things often here?
Mrs. Moth. Madam, they'll twitch a rump of beef out of a boiling
copper: and for a silver tankard, they make no more conscience of
than if it were a Tunbridge sugar box.
Sir Fran. I wish the coach and horses, George, were safe got to the
inn. Do you and Roger take special care that nobody runs away with
them, as you go thither.
Geo. I believe, Sir, our cattle won't yeasily be run away with to-
night; but wee'st take best care we con of them, poor sauls!
[Exit.
Sir Fran. Do so, pray now.
Squire Humph. Feather, I had rather they had run away with heavy
George than the goose-pye; a slice of it before supper to-night
would have been pure.
Lady Head. This boy is always thinking of his belly.
Sir Fran. But, my dear, you may allow him to be a little hungry after
a journey.
Lady Head. Pray, good Sir Francis, he has been constantly eating in
the coach, and out of the coach, above seven hours this day. I wish
my poor girl could eat a quarter as much.
Miss Betty. Mama, I could eat a good deal more than I do, but then I
should grow fat mayhap, like him, and spoil my shape.
Lady Head. Mrs. Motherly will you be so kind to tell them where they
shall carry the things.
Mrs. Moth. Madam I'll do the best I can: I doubt our closets will
scarce hold 'em all, but we have garrets and cellars, which, with the
help of hiring a store-room, I hope may do. Sir, will you be so good
to help my maids a little in carrying away the things.
[To Tom.
Tom. With all my heart, forsooth, if I con but see my way; but these
whoresons have awmost knockt my eyen awt.
[They carry off the things.
Mrs. Moth. Will your ladyship please to refresh yourself with a dish
of tea, after your fatigue? I think I have pretty good.
Lady Head. If you please, Mrs. Motherly.
Squire Humph. Would not a good tankard of strong beer, nutmeg
and sugar, do better, feather, with a toast and some cheese?
Sir Fran. I think it would, son: Here, John Moody, get us a tankard
of good heavy stuff presently.
John Moody. Sir, here's Norfolk Nog to be had next door.
Squire Humph. That's best of all, feather; but make haste with it,
John.
[Exit Moody.
Lady Head. Well, I wonder, Sir Francis, you will encourage that lad to
swill his guts thus with such beastly lubberly liquor; if it were
Burgundy or Champain, something might be said for't; they'd
perhaps give him some wit and spirit; but such heavy, muddy stuff
as this, will make him quite stupid.
Sir Fran. Why you know, my dear, I have drank good ale, and strong
beer these thirty years, and by your permission I don't know, that I
want wit.
Miss Betty. But I think you might have more papa, if you'd have
been govern'd by my mother.
Enter John Moody with a tankard.
Sir Fran. Daughter, he that is govern'd by his wife, has no wit at all.
Miss Betty. Then I hope I shall marry a fool, father, for I shall love to
govern dearly.
Sir Fran. Here, Humphry, here's to thee.
 [Drinks.
You are too pert, child it don't do well in a young woman.
Lady Head. Pray, Sir Francis, don't snub her; she has a fine growing
spirit, and if you check her so, you'll make her as dull as her brother
there.
Squire Humph. Indeed Mother, I think my sister is too forward.
[After drinking a long draught.
Miss Betty. You? you think I'm too forward? what have you to do to
think, brother Heavy? you are too fat to think of any thing but your
belly.
Lady Head. Well said, Miss; he's none of your master, tho' he's your
elder brother.
Enter George.
Geo. Sir, I have no good opinion of this tawn, it's made up of
mischief, I think.
Sir Fran. Why, what's the matter now?
Geo. I'se tell your worship; before we were gotten to the street-end,
a great lugger-headed cart, with wheels as thick as a good brick
wall, layd hawld of the coach, and has pood it aw to bits: an this be
London, wo'd we were all weel i' th' country again.
Miss Betty. What have you to do, Sir, to wish us all in the country
again, lubber? I hope we shan't go into the country again these
seven years, Mama, let twenty coaches be pull'd to pieces.
Sir Fran. Hold your tongue, Betty. Was Roger in no fault of this?
Geo. No, Sir, nor I neither. Are you not asham'd, says Roger to the
carter, to do such an unkind thing to strangers? No, says he, you
bumkin. Sir, he did the thing on very purpose, and so the folks said
that stood by; but they said your worship need na be concerned, for
you might have a law-suit with him when you pleas'd, that wou'd not
cost you above a hundred pounds, and mayhap you might get the
better of him.
Sir Fran. I'll try what I can do with him, I'gad, I'll make such——
Squire Humph. Feather, have him before the parliament.
Sir Fran. And so I will: I'll make him know who I am. Where does he
live?
Geo. I believe in London, Sir.
Sir Fran. What's the villain's name?
Geo. I think I heard somebody call him Dick.
Sir Fran. Where did he go?
Geo. Sir, he went home.
Sir Fran. Where's that?
Geo. By my troth I do naw knaw. I heard him say he had nothing
more to do with us to-night, and so he'd go home and smoke a pipe.
Lady Head. Come, Sir Francis, don't put yourself in a heat; accidents
will happen to people in travelling abroad to see the world. Eat your
supper heartily, go to bed, sleep quietly, and to-morrow see if you
can buy a handsome second-hand coach for the present use,
bespeak a new one, and then all's easy.
[Exeunt.
Enter Colonel Courtly.
Col. Who's that, Deborah?
Deb. At your service, Sir.
Col. What, do you keep open house here? I found the street door as
wide as it could gape.
Deb. Sir, we are all in a bustle, we have lodgers come to-night, the
house full.
Col. Where's your mistress?
Deb. Prodigious busy with her company, but I'll tell Mrs. Martilla you
are here, I believe she'll come to you.
[Exit.
Col. That will do as well. Poor Martilla! she's a very good girl, and I
have lov'd her a great while. I think six months it is, since like a
merciless highwayman, I made her deliver all she had about her; she
begg'd hard, poor thing, I'd leave her one small bauble. Had I let her
keep it, I believe she had still kept me. Cou'd women but refuse their
ravenous lovers that one dear destructive moment, how long might
they reign over them! But for a bane to both their joys and ours,
when they have indulg'd us with such favours as make us adore
them, they are not able to refuse us that one, which puts an end to
our devotion.
Enter Martilla.
Col. Martilla, how dost thou do, my child?
Mart. As well as a losing gamester can.
Col. Why, what have you lost?
Mart. I have lost you.
Col. How came you to lose me?
Mart. By losing myself.
Col. We can be friends still.
Mart. Dull ones.
Col. Useful ones, perhaps. Shall I help thee to a good husband?
Mart. Not if I were rich enough to live without one.
Col. I'm sorry I'm not rich enough to make thee so; but we won't
talk of melancholy things. Who are these folks your aunt has got in
her house?
Mart. One Sir Francis Headpiece and his Lady, with a son and
daughter.
Col. Headpiece! Cotso, I know 'em a little. I met with 'em at a race
in the country two years since; a sort of blockhead, is not he?
Mart. So they say.
Col. His wife seem'd a mettlesome gentlewoman, if she had but a
fair field to range in.
Mart. That she won't want now, for they stay in town the whole
winter.
Col. Oh that will do to shew all her parts in.
Enter Mrs. Motherly.
How do you do, my old acquaintance?
Mrs. Moth. At your service, you know, always colonel.
Col. I hear you have got good company in the house.
Mrs. Moth. I hope it will prove so; he's a parliament man only,
colonel, you know there's some danger in that.
Col. O, never fear, he'll pay his landlady, tho' he don't pay his
butcher.
Mrs. Moth. His wife's a clever woman.
Col. So she is.
Mrs. Moth. How do you know?
Col. I have seen her in the country, and begin to think I'll visit her in
town.
Mrs. Moth. You begin to look like a rogue.
Col. What, your wicked fancies are stirring already?
Mrs. Moth. Yours are, or I'm mistaken. But I'll have none of your
pranks play'd upon her.
Col. Why, she's no girl, she can defend herself.
Mrs. Moth. But what if she won't?
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