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 Another Random Document on
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they knew there was no recovering him without the Judges favour;
they therefore resolved to put themselves in the best Equipage they
could, and go to him, accordingly that night they went, and told him
they were humble Petitioners to his Honour, for a poor friend of
theirs whom his Honour had commited about a pair of Boots, and
they hoped his Honour would release him; because they very well
knew he was wrongfully accused, being a Gentleman by birth, and
of a very good House, &c. To this the Judge gave ear, and told them
that he very well understood the quality of their friend; and theirs
also, but, said he, for once I shall pass by this business upon one
Condition; to this they reply’d, any Condition he pleased; he then
being resolved what to do, commanded all his Servants and
Attendants out of the Room; and told them he well understood their
qualities, and had occasion to make use of them in an Affair, telling
them that he had such a one his Kinsman, who carried a Purse of
money in his Pocket, now, said he, I would have some of you to
follow him, and get it from him, and bring it to me untouch’d, and
then I promise not only to pardon you, but also to deliver your friend
to you: They hearing the Judges Proposition, star’d one upon
another, not knowing what answer to give, wherefore he again told
them that this he expected from them, or else their friend should
suffer, they thought fit to answer him with silence, and so departed;
when they were gone, they consulted together what was to be done,
and believing there would be no great difficulty nor harm in the
doing it, resolv’d to effect it accordingly: And therefore the next
morning they waited at the Judges Door, and seeing his Kinsman,
they found means to perform their Enterprize, and got the Purse of
Gold without any considerable difficulty, and forthwith pretending
business to the Judge, they delivered it to him; he nodded them an
answer, advising them to come to him in the evening; they did so,
and he gave them a Discharge for their friend; but that he might do
equal justice, he commanded them to pay the Shoemaker for the
Boots, and gave them a piece of Gold to drink; they very thankfully
received it and did accordingly. The Judges Kinsman being now
come out of the Court had occasion for moneys, but seeking his
purse found he had lost it; this perplexed him to the heart; but
although the loss was considerable, yet the vexation that his unkle
must know it was more; he was exceeding melancholly and
discontented; and his Unkle enquired and sent for him, yet he would
hardly come into his presence: his Unkle knew well enough what
disease he was sick of; but however he asked him again and again
what he ailed? and what was the matter? he still answered him with
silence, and turning away his head. Supper time being come, they
sate down together, but the young man would not eat a bit; what
will you eat? said his Unkle, nothing, said he: go fetch me a dish of
Partridges, said the Judge; it is a dish I know you love: the meat
was brought, but the young man could eat nothing: you shall eat,
said his Unkle before you rise, and I will have a dish shall please
you; and therefore, said he to the waiters, go bring up the Dish I
commanded should be last brought up; they thereupon went down,
and brought up a dish covered; come Cousin, said the Old man, eat
some of this; I cannot said the kinsman, you must and shall, said
the Unkle, and I pray uncover the dish and serve me some: the
young man seeing his Unkle so importunate, and believing because
the dish was covered, that it might be a dish of stew’d apples,
resolv’d to uncover the dish, and satisfie his Unkle by eating a little
of that; wherefore at his Unkle’s importunity he uncover’d the dish;
when he beheld instead of stew’d apples there was a better sort of
fruit, it was his own Purse of Gold; he no sooner saw it: how, said
his Unkle, I told you I would please you before you did rise from
supper, and I think I have done so. The young man smiling thanked
him, and then reaching to the dish of Partridges, he fell too lustily,
and did eat as hearty a meal as ever; thus did the recovery of his
Purse of Gold recover his stomack, as indeed I think it would do any
others, it being to him and all others as good a Sawce as a Cordial.
And now although the young man was well enough pleased that he
had recovered his purse, yet he was vexed that his Unkle should
thus discover his folly, and studyed how he might be revenged on
his Unkle; he knew very well that his purse was taken from him by
some cunning cheat, and that by his Unkles consent; and it was not
long e’re, upon enquiry, he found out the manner, and also the
People who did it; he gave them therefore a piece to drink, and told
them that he would give them twenty pounds more, if they would do
him one piece of service; they seeing there was money coming,
promised him to do any thing in their powers; he then told them
that it was indeed a high attempt, but he would pay them as largely,
and save them harmless; and this it was, he would have them pick
the Pocket of the Judge as he sate on the Bench: they told him it
was both difficult and dangerous; as for the difficulty, said he, I’le
make such means that one of you shall come near him, and for the
danger, I will take of his anger, and pay you as I have said: to this
they at length consented and the next day put in execution; for
when the Judge was most busie in examining Witnesses, he that
was the Artist that was to perform this, approaches the Bench: the
young Man sitting next the Judge his Unkle, beckons the Pick-
pocket, and he comes up, and under pretence of whispering the
young man in the ear, he pickt the Old Mans Pocket, and carryed off
the Purse cleverly; when he had so done he descended, and stood
among the other Spectators. In short time after the causes were
heard, and one man who had laid long in prison, only for his fees,
petition’d the Judge to mitigate and lessen them that he might be
able to pay them, where’s the Jaylor? said the Judge; here my Lord,
said the Jaylor; what Fees do you demand of this poor man? said
the Judge; twenty shillings my Lord, if it please you, and it is no
more than your what Lorship order’d me at the lowest; then said my
Lord, you must have so much; I cannot help it; I must not make
Laws one day and break them another, I had rather pay the money
out of my own purse than do so. His Kinsman who sate next him,
thought this was a very good opportunity to speak, and therefore
thus he said; May it please honour; I had good Fortune yesterday as
your Lordship knows, and therefore am resolv’d to do some
charitable Act, and I think this of releasing this poor Prisoner who
lies for his Fees, will be none of the least: wherefore whereas your
Honor motions paying all this poor mans Fees, I make this offer, that
if you please to pay one ten shillings, I will pay the other, that the
poor man may be discharged: a very good motion, said the Judge.
The young man soon found the way to his Purse, and pull’d out an
Angel; but the Judge although he searched both Pockets, could find
neither money nor Purse, he was therefore much surprized not
knowing what to say, nor think, but quickly recollecting himself, thus
he spake, I am sure, my friends, when I came in hither I had a
Purse of money in my pocket, but now I cannot finde it, he that hath
taken it from me while I was here sitting, was his Crafts-Master, and
very bold, but I question not but I shall find him, I have so good skill
in Physiognomy, that I know a Knave by his looks, therefore I desire
you all there below to look on me, every one did so, expecting what
the Judge would do, who by and by whispering to the Justice that
sate next him, at length arose, and said, look you Master Justice, if I
am not deceived, yonder fellow with the straw in his beard hath my
Purse; all the People stared one upon another, and the Cheat that
had the Purse being conscious of his guilt, doubting he was known
to the Judge, and that he had a straw in his beard, he lifting up his
hand stroaked it to wipe it away, supposing by that means to pass
undiscovered, but that discovered him; for the Judge who had a
quick eye, and expected that motion, saw, and observed it,
thereupon pointed to him, saying, that is he: it was now too late to
fly, for the Jaylor soon seized him, and upon search found the Purse
in his Pocket. The Purse was given to the Judge, who told out ten
shillings to the Jaylor for the Poor mans Fees, and ordered him to
discharge him, and in his Room to take away that bold Delinquent
that had pick’d his Pocket; he did so, neither did his kinsman
contradict him in the open Court, but when he came home he told
him all the management, and desired a discharge for the Prisoner;
the Judge knowing that it was done but in jest, granted his
discharge, and the Kinsmen sent that, and the promised twenty
pounds, and Fees for discharge of the Prisoner.
 CHAP. XV.

The Hostess’s Daughter being courted by an ignorant poetical Lover; he brings a

Soldier with him who becoming intimately acquainted with Mistress Dorothy
relates to her; how he by pretending to be a Cunning-man and raising a Spirit,
had furnished himself, his Landlord and Landlady with a plentiful Supper, which
had been provided at the Cost of another.

Thus did these Cheats make the best of a bad market, for being at
the first obstructed in their designs by their Companions
Imprisonment, they were at a loss, and they got little money this
bout but what the Judge and his Kinsman gave them, and the
people who were present at this bold adventure of picking the
Judges pocket on the Bench, were very curious of their own, and for
the future had some what more than ordinary to talk of; but mine
Host who knew more of the matter than ordinary, made rare sport
with this story at his return, and the Shoemaker who hath receiv’d
satisfaction for the loss of his Boot, having had money for the other,
by mine Hosts appointment sent for the other Shoemaker his fellow
Tradesman, and ordinary Charges being deducted, gave him the one
half; but mine Host so ordered the matter, that as they began, so
they ended in drink, and spent all they had received at our house,
and thus ended the adventure of the boots. Mistress Dorothy now
stopping, and we thereby finding that she had concluded her
discourse, we took the liberty of laughing, and wondring at what she
had told us, and therefore desired her to give her self the trouble to
relate some more adventures to us, but she told us in plain terms
that she had done, and that we were to expect no more from her. I
hearing her so peremptory in her reply, told her that we had been
very much engaged to her, for the extraordinary pains she had taken
in these several relations; but yet I must need add this, that as yet
she had not fully performed her promise, for she had promis’d to
give us an account of all the family, when as, if I am not mistaken
she had said little or nothing of two persons, whom I supposed to be
very considerable, and that was the Son and Daughter; and
therefore I made it my request to her, that she would recollect her
self, and relate to us somewhat of them, because indeed they were
a little active while they liv’d at home with their father and mother,
but after they went abroad in the world they were very remarkable,
(and continued she) since their leaving their father and mother, and
my leaving the house were at one and the same time, and one the
same occasion I shall now give you an account of it, and then she
thus proceeded.
One young Man and Maid living in a house where so much roguery
was acted, must needs be well enough experienc’d to act their Parts,
but they were so warily looked after by their Mother, that it was
almost impossible to exercise their Talent at home, and the young
man by reason of the danger of the War, and least he should be
taken Prisoner and served as his Father was, was enforced to keep
home and ramble but little, but his Sister less, not being permitted
to go any way out of the Town. And although many Guests who
came to our house saw her, and liked her marvellously well, (for
indeed she was handsom) and would have made love to her, yet her
Mother knowing the danger by her own experience, watch’d her too
narrowly to permit it, and was resolved to use her best endeavor to
preserve the Jewel of her daughters maiden-head until she should
be lawfully married. She being kept up so strictly had few Suiters,
only one in the Town, who was a Farmers Son had a moneths mind
to her, and having read the famous History of Tom Thumb, and from
thence proceeding to Fortunatus, and then to the most admirable
History of Dorastus and Fawnia, was infected with Poetry and Love
both at once, and absolutely believing that all he read was really
true, did with himself to be as fortunate as Fortunatus himself, and
since he could not meet with that blind Lady Fortune to present him
with such a Purse, he did however resolve to be as absolute a lover
as Dorastus; and now nothing to that accomplishment being wanting
but a Mistriss who should be his Fawnia, he found out our Pretty
Mistress Peggy my Hostess’s Daughter (Hers I may boldly call her,
but mine Host’s I dare not, the Case being doubtful, by what I have
already related to you) a Mistress being found for our Swain, he
made some addresses to her, and was permitted by the Mother to
more freedom than any, because the youth was not only indifferent
handsome, but rich, and mine Hostess was pretty free that they
should strike up a match together; I was still desired to keep
Company with these Lovers, but I had much ado to forbear laughing
outright when I heard his Courtship, all his language was Stuff stoln
out of the books he had read; and when he was answered by
Mistress Peggy, or any question propounded by me to him in any
ordinary or different Dialect, he was as deaf as a Bell-founder, and
was not able to answer us; I being resolved to make sport with him,
told him that I thought he would do mainly well if he would apply his
fancy to writing of Poetry, and as an essay I advised him to write a
Letter to Mistress Peggy in Verse, he thanked me for my advice, and
desir’d my friend-ship and said that he would go immediately home
and exercise himself in Poetry, and so he said, and so he did, for
behold the next morning Mistress Peggy received a Letter from him,
which we both read and laugh’d at, for it was so foolishly forced,
conceited, and nonsensical that have I much ado to remember the
words, but having often repeated them, I shall now relate them to
you.

Madam,
 Ever till I saw thee my heart was still at rest,
Little did I think one Female could have pierc’t
Either Heart or Bowels, that on thee doth waste,
So sad all faint and feeble grow within my brest;
Alas, it is pity that sorrow to me should come,
For to tell you the truth as yet I am but very young,
And to express my self I want a better tongue;
But I can truly and sadly say that only you
Are she that hath brought me to grief and sorrow too
Brave Vertues that are in this lovely Damsel found
At the first sight gave my poor heart a desperate wound.
You have my sences very much decay’d
With love, that at one time they will be all dismai’d
Long of the tender love that to you I do bear,
Even now I will make and end my only Dear.

Your true Lover,

L. M.

We all laughed heartily at this non-sensical stuff, and I told mistress

Dorothy that sure she was mistaken in the recital of these verses,
and that they were to be said backwards, for that wayes that she
repeated them I discovered the humour of our Poetical Lover, and
Mistress Peggy by my directions returned him this answer.

Amorous Friend,
Tis much you should receive two infections at once, the one Love,
the other Poetry, but it is not very strange since they commonly
accompany one another, but i’le assure you ’tis dangerous, for you
know the old Proverb, that sad are the effects of Love and Pease
Porridge; and besides Poetry is commonly attended with Poverty, but
after a strict perusal of your poetick Fancies, I find there is no great
danger in your poetick infection, for unless you improve your self
mightily it will be a long time e’re you be a compleat Poet, and since
your Poetry and Love came together, it will be as long e’re you be a
compleat Lover; now if you have still a mind to prosecute these two
Designs, of Love and Poetry, I advise you to make use of some other
more fit and sublime object that may raise your fancy to a higher
pitch of eloquence, or at least wise sense, as you have been in
verse. I return this answer to you in prose, and as you like this you
may prosecute your Designs of Love and Poetry, with some other
Object, but I pray give no more trouble to
Your Frind,
M. S.
This to the best of my remembrance was the answer to our Lovers
poetical Letter, and although what we writ might have been enough
to have dashed the designs of any other, yet our Lover came very
confidently that evening, and thanked his Mistress for receiving his
Letter, and answering it; telling her that he did acknowledge he had
not as yet any great Skill in Poetry, but he had written his best, and
intended and hoped in the next to mend it, and so he proceeded in
his troublesome Love-Suit. Our Cook-maid coming into the room
where we were, and having seen the Love Letter, it being made no
secret, told us that she had a Love Letter sent her not long since,
which in her opinion was better than that; and we believing that
there must be somewhat in it worth the seeing, commanded her to
fetch it, and giving it into my hands, I read these words.
Madam,
I Hope the Brains of your Beauty being boyl’d in the Kettle of
Kindness with the Beef of Bounty, may at length prove a dish for my
dyet, so that the Marrowbone of your Maidenhead being crack’d with
the Chopping-knife of my Courage, may upon the Trencher of Truth
declare how I love you; let not the minc’d meat of Modesty baked in
the Oven of Hatred in the Crust of Coyness cause my Denial, lest the
Dagger of Death being drenched in the Barrel of my Blood may with
the Spiggot draw forth the Liquor of my Life.
Yours more than his own,
 T. J.
This Letter pleas’d me more than the former, and I told her that her
Sweet-heart was ingenious and witty, for he had courted her in her
own language, and made use of such words she understood, and
that in my opinion it was far better to do so than to be altogether so
poetical as to make mocks of their Mistresses by comparing their
fore-heads to Alablaster, their eyes to Diamonds, their lips to Coral,
and such kind of fantastical similies, our Lover was of my opinion,
and was so taken with the Cook-maids Letter that he desired to copy
it, and so he did; and while he was thus employed, I remembred
that I had a paper of verses that would employ all his senses to
understand, and it may be puzzle him; and therefore fetch’d it, and
he having copyed the other lines, I shewed him these.
I saw a Peacock with a fiery Tail
I saw a Blazing star that dropt down Hail
I saw a Cloud begirt with Ivy round
I saw a Sturdy Oak creep on the ground
I saw a Pismire swallow up a Whale
I saw a brackish Sea brim full of Ale
I saw a Venice glass sixteen yards deep
I saw a Well full of mens tears that weep
I saw mens Eyes all on a flaming fire
I saw a House big as the Moon and higher
I saw the Sun all red even at midnight
I saw the man that saw this dreadful sight.

And most dreadful it was indeed, said our Lover, if it were true, but
however (continued he) the Verses are very good, and I pray let me
have a copy of them; which I permitted him to take; and he read
them over, and over again without understanding the Mystery, but
the more he read, the more he seemed to wonder at the
strangeness of the several sights, and said, sure this is impossible,
not at all, said I, and if you will lay ten shillings to be spent, I will
make it out to you before you go, that all that is there written is very
true, and that I have seen it all myself. I cannot believe it, replyed
he, and I am content to lay the wager, provided Mistress Peggy may
be the Judge. Content, said I, and so the money was laid in her
hands, and then I took up the paper and began to read thus: I saw
a Peacock, and there I made a stop, and said, do you believe that?
If you do not, I can shew you one in the yard: Ay, but said he, the
Verse is, I saw a Peacock with a fiery Tail, and that is the wager: no,
said I, you must stop when you have red I saw a Peacock, and then
go on, with a fiery Tail I saw a blazing Star; and I am sure that I
have seen that too, for blazing Stars have all fiery Tails: that is true,
replyed he, but I did not mean to read it so: tis no matter how you
meant, said I, but what I read is true, and by vertue of that I
suppose I shall win the wager, but however I proceeded, and read;
That dropt down Hail I saw a Cloud; Begirt with Ivy round I saw a a
sturdy Oak; Creep on the ground I saw a Pismire, Swallow up a
Whale I saw a Brackish Sea; Brim full of Ale I saw a Venice Glass:
And so I read on to the end of the Verses, still making a full stop in
the middle of the verse, where the sense required it; thus making
sense of the impossible nonsense: by this time our Lover saw he
was likely to lose his Wager, but however he cavelled at my thus
reading it, and said, I ought to stop only where the rhime ended;
but all that he said signified nothing, for his Mistress did me the
justice to award me the Wager, and accordingly gave me my money,
and kept the other twenty shillings to be spent; neither was the
Poetical Lover much displeased, for he had a very high esteem of
the Lines he had, protesting he would not part with them for forty
shillings, and he questioned not but he should win much money by
Wagers he would lay about them, and being thus satisfied he left us,
promising the next night to return, and then expecting a Colation for
the ten shillings he had lost; and so we were rid of our poetical
Lover till the time appointed; which being come, he likewise came
and brought with him a young man, a Soldier that belong’d to the
Garrison in our Town; I knew the man by sight, for he was very
remarkable, it being the general report that he was a Cunning-man
and could tell fortunes, and our Lover brought him to give his
oppinion, whether he should have mistress Peggy or not. We gave
him the ordinary welcome, he coming in company with our Lover we
were the more free with him, who demeaned himself so well that I
had a more than ordinary respect for him, and told him he should be
welcome at any other time; and so our Colation being ended, we for
that time parted; but in short time after he came again, and being
as he said, much taken with my company, desired to take all
opportunities of waiting on me: I seeing no harm in him, and finding
that he was none of the pitifull sort of fellows, but that he was
handsom, witty, and above all things that he wore money in his
Pocket, permitted him frequently to visit me, and it was not long e’re
I grew into such familiarity with him, that I obliged him to shew me
so much of his Skill as to tell me my Fortune; he was surprized at
this proposition and made many Excuses, but I grew to that height
in my importunitie that I wearied him; at length he told me that
although all the Town had been mistaken in him yet I should not,
and that if I pleased he would undeceive me, and in short he told
me that it was a mistake to think that he was skillfull either in
Astrology or Magick, and although he had gained some moneys by
pretending to be knowing in that mystery, yet it was no such matter:
I supposing that he only said this to excuse himself, still importuned
him in such manner, that I brought him to this: that provided I
would promise him secrecy, he would discover his whole secrets to
me, and thereby make it absolutely appear that the Town was
mistaken: I being desirous of hearing Novelties, engaged to perform
all he desired, and thereupon he thus began.

Madam, in the discourse I shall make you, I shall be forced to

discover not only my own secrets, but also those of another, the
most eminent of this Town, and were it not to you, and onely to you,
I should not do it for any consideration whatsoever, for it is the
secrets of a woman of the best quality, and therefore you may be
justly angry with me for so doing, but my respects, & indeed my love
to you is so great, that I shall not stop at any obstacles to perform
anything you require; & withal I pray do not think, that since I am so
easie to discover one womans secrets, and that of such eminency
and one to whom I am so much obliged, that I should, or may at
one time or another, serve you in the like manner. No Madam (said
he) assure your self of the contrary, for although the woman I am to
speak of be so eminent, indifferently handsom, and one to whom I
am so much obliged, yet my acquaintance with her began after a
strange manner, and it was a kind of necessity that first induced her
to permit me the freedom I enjoy with her; whereas on the contrary,
the respects I have for you are of another nature, for my inclination
and affection induce me to pay you all manner of service, which I
am confident will be very lasting. He having made this plausible
speech, thus proceeded.
It is not many moneths since I was first acquainted with this place,
you know my quality is a Soldier of Fortune, and I may reasonably
enough term my self so, being of late some-what favoured by that
blind and inconstant Lady; our Commander in Chief thinking it
convenient to draw us out of the field where we had been all the last
Summer, and place us in Garrisons for the Winter season; it fell to
my lot, among other of my Comrades, to be ordered to be quartered
in this Town, where when we came, we had our several Billets
delivered to us, and mine directed me to the House of the wealthiest
Mercer in your Town, where I still Quarter, and who you know is a
Person as eminent for Estate, as any in the Town, I need not name
him, you knowing where I Quarter: it so fortuned, that the night I
came thither first to Quarter, he was out of the Town, as he had
been for some dayes past and was to continue for two or three
more. It was somewhat late when I knock’d at the door, and
therefore the Maid-servant who heard me, ask’d me what I would
have? I answer’d that I was appointed in that House to take up my
Quarters. The Maid soon called her Mistress, and acquainted her
with the matter; which she knowing, thus answer’d me, that she was
a young new-married woman, that her Husband was absent, that
she had onely one servant, and that therefore she could not with
any conveniency entertain any man in her house. I could not be
satisfied with this answer, but reply’d that I was sorry I must be so
troublesom, but withal that it was too late to seek any other lodging;
and that my Comrades were all in their Quarters, and therefore I
must unavoidably lye in the street if she did not entertain me;
wherefore I pray’d her to receive me into her house, and put me into
any place she pleas’d, and I promised that I would be as little
troublesome as possibly I could, and therefore I desired her not to
deny that fairly and by entreaty, which she knew I could command.
The young woman, although she was much troubled (believing that
I might hinder a design she had in hand) yet knowing withal that
what I said was true, and that I might command where I entreated,
commanded her maid to open the door, and shew me my lodging up
in the Garret. When I was entred the house, I told her that I was to
lodge there, so I desir’d I might sup with her, (not that I would
command it, but that I would willingly pay for what I had) because it
was late, and I had not eaten any thing all that day. She seemed
angry at my proposal, telling me that I was mistaken if I took her
house for an Inn, and if I wanted a supper, want I must, for I was
like to have nothing there but my bare lodging, and indeed bare I
might call it, for it was a most pitiful one, however I was forc’d to
make use of it, and go supper-less to bed. Being thus ready to dye
for hunger, I had little mind to sleep, and therefore I only tumbled
and tossed without so much as closing mine eyes together. After I
had lain an hour in this manner, casting mine eyes about the
Chamber, I perceived some light which came through a Chink or
Crevis in the floor, and my curiosity inviting me to it, I leap’d out of
the bed, and laying my eye to the place, I might perceive under me
a room very well furnisht, wherein was a great Fire, two Spits, of
roasted Fowls, the Maid turning them, and the young Woman, the
Mistress sitting in the arms of a young Fellow a Lawyer, who to me
appeared to be so by his Gown. How! said I to myself, is this the
Woman that in her Husbands absence will not receive a man into
her? Oh the unconstancy and subtility of Women! this I thought, but
however I believed it was not as yet time to speak out; but being
very hungry, I beheld the Spits with some anger, and devoured the
Fowls with my eyes; I had the patience to see the Supper dress’d,
though I was not to be a Guest; and though I could not taste, yet I
could smell the Victuals: I saw the Table spread, the Bottles of Wine
brought out, & the Victuals placed on the Table, but just as they
were going to sit down, one knock’d at the door; this somewhat
startled them, but their confusion was greater, when the Maid asked
who was at the door, understood it was her Master. They were all
frighted and confounded, not knowing where to put the man, or the
victuals, they had but little time to consider: There was but one little
Chamber adjoyning where the maid lay, and under her Bed at length
they laid him, and the Meat, Drink, and all the Appurtenances were
placed in a Closet in the Chamber: This being done, and the Woman
sitting down by the fire, the Master who was impatient with calling
and knocking, was let in, and coming up stairs, his Wife rises from
her seat, and cryes out, Oh dear Husband! Wellcome home, how
glad am I to see you, especially in coming sooner than I expected.
That is true, said the good man, I made haste and dispatched my
Business, which being done, I took Horse and made all possible
speed to come home to you, and indeed, I have rid full speed all this
day; And very welcome you are, said she: But how come you to
have so great a fire? said the Husband: Oh Love, said the Wife, I am
troubled with the Belly-ake as passes, and I made this fire to warm
Trenchers and clothes, to put to my Belly to ease me; and truely I
think that this pain hath taken me with vexing at a paultrey business
that happened this night; for here came a Soldier and said he must,
and would quarter here, and it hath so angred and griev’d me, to
think that a man must lodge here in your absence, that I think truly
it hath brought my paine. I hearing this, thought it would be
convenient for me ere long to appear, and therefore put on my
Clothes, but still I gave attention to the end of their discourse, which
was thus continued: Said the Husband, well, let that pass; but I pray
let me have some Supper, for I have made such haste to day in
travelling to come to you, that I am almost dead with hunger,
wherefore I pray give me some Victuals. Victuals, replyed the
woman, where do you think I should have it? Do you think I make
feasting in your absence? Alas, my maid and I supp’d to night with
each of us a Roasted Apple, I am sorry for that, replyed the
Husband, and am very loath if I could help it, to go to Bed without a
Supper, but what cannot be cured, must be endured. I hearing this,
and believing it to be very proper for my design, being already
dress’d, went down stairs, and knock’d at the door, which opened, I
entred, and saluting my Landlord, prayed him to excuse me for
disturbing his Wife, who had indeed refused to entertain me, till I
had acquainted her with my Orders, which, lest he should distrust
any thing to the contrary, I then pull’d out and shew’d him, and told
him that I hoped his Wife could not complain of any incivility I had
offered her. No truly, reply’d she. I having satisfi’d him in this, I told
him that I understood that he had not supped no more than I, and
therefore if he pleased I would give him and his Lady a Supper, for I
had it in my power to accommodate them very plentifully. How is
that possible? reply’d my Landlord, since it is so late, and nothing is
to be had in the Town, and besides that it will be too late to dress
any thing. I bid him take no care for that, but if he pleased he
should be provided with victuals ready dresed provided he and his
wife would both promise me secresie; they told me that they would
do so, but he wondred, and she seemed to do so too, at what I
intended to do; whereupon I told them I had a correspondency with
Spirits, who would furnish me with what I desired, and thereupon
taking a piece of Chalk, and making a Circle I Placed myself in it,
made certain Figures about it, and taking a Staff in my hand, waved
it about my head, and then I uttered many words which were onely
conceited fustian stuff, which they understood not, nor I myself
neither, and then proceeding I named a Spirit, and told him that he
must quickly provide me a Supper for myself, my Landlord, and his
Lady. I seemed to listen, and then told them that my Spirit was
obedient, and nothing was wanting now but to know what they
would have; I asked the question, but they answered, What I
pleased: Bring then, said I, a Boyl’d Hen and Bacon, a Couple of
Roasted Capons, a Dozen of Partridges, two Dozen of Larks, a Pippin
Tart, with Oranges and Lemmons, and Fruit sufficient; Also bring us
two Bottles of Canary and two of Claret; this was the Victuals I had
seen provided, and therefore this I call’d for; and withal, said I, I
charge thee not to appear in any horrible shape, so as to frighten
my Landlord or Landlady, but dispatch quickly and set all down in
the Closet of this Chamber. Having thus finisht my Inclination and
paused a little, now, said I, open the door and there you shall see I
am obeyed. The maid readily did as I commanded, and all was there
in ample manner ready dress’d, to the great astonishment of my
Landlord, but my Landlady, though she seem’d to be amazed, knew
well enough that she was discovered, but as yet could not disaprove
of what I had done. The meat being produced, the Table was spread
and the provision placed thereon, and now all things being in
readiness, I desired my Landlord and Landlady to take their places;
at my request they did so, but my Landlord was mighty unwilling to
eat, until he see me eat and commend the Victuals and Sauce, and I
importuning him to taste, he did so, and my Landlady by his
example consented to accompany us in the same employment:
Having now done with one Dish, and my Landlord finding that to be
good, by my example fell to another, and though he was somewhat
cautious, yet he made a good Meal; I am sure I did not spare, but
fed like a Farmer, and my Landlady was not at all behind hand, she
well enough knowing, that though I told them it was dress’d under
ground, yet she could contradict me but she durst not; the maid had
her part too, and all were well enough content, except the poor
Lawyer, who was both hungry and fearful, lest as I had discovered
the meat, I would also discover the Caterer, but I minded no such
matter, I thought as I had begun well, so to end, and I would not be
so discourteous to him to make him fare ill, when by his means I
had fared so well. We not onely eat lustily, but drank off our Wine
cheerily, which was as good as ever tipp’d over Tongue, and for us
three there was enough; and now at last my Landlord did own that
the Meat and Sauce, Bread and Drink were all excellent good, and
that if the Spirits could command so good Fare, they were more
harmless and better company than he thought for: I told him my
Spirit was still in his house, and expected my further Commands,
therefore I desired to know whether he would have ought else e’re I
discharged him? He told me, No: Then, replyed I, he shall descend;
but since he hath done us so good service, I will, if you please, let
you see him. Oh by no means Sir, said my Landlady, fearing I would
discover her greatest Secrets. Rest contented, replyed I, for I am
Master of more discretion that to disoblidge a Lady; assure your self
it shall be otherwise than you imagine: my Landlord too was very
fearful, but I assured him there should be no cause, and thereupon
for the more easie management of what I intended, I ordered the
Servant-maid to open the Street door, and all the other Doors of the
House, that the Spirit might have the more freedom to depart,
otherwise I told them he would raise a Tempest; and, continued I,
he shall not appear in any horrid form, but in the habit of one of
your Neighbors; having told them this, I thus began: Oh thou Spirit,
who hast been unexpectedly disturbed, but hast so plentifully
catered for us, come forth for I now give thee leave to go whither
thou pleasest. The Lawyer who was but in the next room, and who
had heard all passages, was not so sottish as to neglect this
opportunity, but pulling his Hat over his face that he might go
undiscovered, came forth of the room where he had been hid, and
with a steady pace walked by us, going down stairs, and so leaving
the house, whilst my Landlady in a trembling manner sate and
beheld what had passed.
 CHAP. XVI.

The Souldier is in danger to be caught by his Landlord in his Landladies Chamber,

but by her wit he escapeth. Mistris Dorothy relates that a parcel of Padders
having rob’d a Knight of four hundred pounds, two of them are taken, but the
Knight will not swear absolutely against them, because he might sue and get his
Money of the Hundred where he was rob’d. A Crew of Pick-pockets wanting
money, two of them pretend to be drunk and quarrel with the third, wherefore
these two are put into the stocks, and getting company, the third had the
opportunity of picking many Pockets.

The Lawyer having thus pass’d by us to the amazement of my

Landlord, he then look’d on me with somewhat a distracted
countenance, his wife seeing that, and doubting that he had or
would discover the matter; to divert him from any questions or
considerations, pretended to be so mightily amaz’d & frighted, that
she fell into a swoon, and then her Husband, the maid, and I had
enough to do to bring her again to her self, neither could we do it so
well, but that her Husband was forced to help the maid to carry and
put her into her bed, where for that night I left them and went to
my own, and now my belly being full it was not long ere I fell
asleep; awaking the next morning I began to consider what had
passed, and wondred at my self how I had the confidence to
manage an affair so difficult and dangerous, but when I considered
what I had done I resolved to proceed, and as I knew the secrets of
my Land-lady, to make some use of that knowledg, and out of her
misfortunes to make my self a fortune therefore I recommended my
self, remembring the old saying, Audaces Fortuna juvat, Fortune
helps the bold, and therefore I would try her favours, considering
that she could do me no injuries, I could not be much lower than I
was, and I was in great probability to rise higher by the prosecution
of this Adventure. I did not question but I should do well enough
with my Landlady, for I had not at all disobliged her in betraying her
secrets, but rather mannaged them as well as she could wish or
desire, and therefore she could not take me for a Clown or Fool, but
rather think me worthy of her favour, and into her favour I was
resolved to get, or venture all; she was young, and as you know
indifferent handsome, her husband was old, and I believe wanting in
what most pleases a woman, and therefore she had permitted the
young Lawyer to supply that Defect, and considering that I might as
well as he pretend to her favor, for I was as young, and (if I am not
mistaken) as handsom; indeed he had this advantage, of having
more money than I, but I question’d not but she would well enough
dispense with that, she being out of possibility of wanting any, but
rather able to supply me; and I had this advantage above him, that I
was in the house, and likely for some time to continue there, and by
that means I might make use of all opportunities, and indeed it was
not long ere I had one; for I having spent good part of the morning
in these congitations, I could hear my Landlord rise and go out of
the house, wherefore I also arose and made my self ready, and
indeed I spruced my self up in the best manner I could; being now
ready I went down stairs, and met with the Maid-servant, who could
not look on me without blushing, I gave her the Good morrow, &
asked her how her mistress did this morning she replyed, something
better than I left her last night. Truly replyed I, I am sorry that she
was so ill, but more especially to consider that I had been the
occasion of it, but I would study how to make her amends, & at
present I desired to make my excuses to her, if she would shew
where she was: she is not yet stirring, said the Maid; that matters
not, said I, and thereupon we went to her bed side; where when I
was come, she seeing me turned away her face: but Madam, to
make short with my story, I spake to her, and that in such manner,
that she not only turned about, but gave me thanks for the favors I
had done, in managing her secrets with so much discretion, and that
she was, and should be eternally obliged to me, and should study
how to make me amends: I replyed, amends was already made in
the good opinion she had for me, desiring her to continue in it, and I
should endeavour to serve her in all things to my power; and since it
was her misfortune to be disturbed by her Husbands unexpected
return, and be disapointed in the enjoyment of her Friend, that was
a thing I could help, but however, if she pleased to accept of me in
his stead, I should give her the best satisfaction I could, she seemed
to be angry at this proposal, but I proceeding and telling her that I
was a Gentleman born and bred, and it may be in all things equal, if
not above her Friend; she was content to let me kiss her, and I
finding that I might without much difficulty proceed further, sent the
Maid out for a Mornings draught, and in her absence perswaded her
to accept of that from me which she should have had from her
Friend the Lawyer, had not her Husband disturbed them; and I then
pleased her well, that ever since she hath made no difficulty to let
me enjoy her Person, and be Master of that as well as I was of her
secrets; and being thus possessed of her person, I not only
commanded that but her Purse, and have led the pleasantest life in
the World. This Adventure, Madam was the occasion of my being
accounted a Cunning-man, for my Landlord, though I had enjoyned
him secresie, yet he did not absolutely keep it, but acquainted some
of his familiar friends with my knowledg, so that I was in short time
pointed at as I passed along the street, and gazed at with the eyes
of wonder; nay some of the Neighborhood courted me very
earnestly to answer them several questions, and being often
importuned, did give them such answers as might probably come to
pass, which falling out accordingly I gain’d not only the reputation of
a cunning man, but my pockets were also indifferently well lyned
with Half-crown pieces. Thus had I a handsome enjoyment of money
and pleasure; for I was free with my Landlady, and very little
suspected by her Husband; but I was one time near being caught by
him, and thus it was. He was not only well stricken in years, but by
an accident some years past, had lost one of his eyes, or else he
would have espyed us; for one day he being abroad, and I being
desirous to toy with my Landlady, we in order thereto entred her
Chamber and lay down on her bed, we had not long been there but
we heard a noise, and the maid-servant looking to see what was the
matter, came hastily in to us, and told us that her Master was
coming up stairs; she had hardly delivered this unpleasant message,
but he was come up stairs and was entring the Chamber, but he was
not so quick, but his wife and I were as nimble, and were got upon
our feet, and she running to the door caught hold of her Husband
about the Neck and cryed out, Oh Lord Husband, how dearly
welcome you are to me! especially at this time, when I so longed to
see you. For what cause, said my Landlord? what is the meaning of
this language? Oh dear Husband, replyed she, I have been asleep on
the bed, where I had the pleasantest Dream that I have ever had in
all my life; nay, (continued she) it is more than a Dream, for it is a
Vision, and I hope a true one: well, what is it, said he? Why truely
Husband, said she, methoughts you and I were walking along
together in a pleasant Field, and we met with a man that begged an
Alms of you, which you very liberally gave him, and he being glad of
your liberality told you, that he would recompense it by restoring you
the sight of your other eye: Methoughts I was very joyfull at this
proposition, and desired him to do it, but you were doubtfull of his
performance, and therefore unwilling to let him meddle with you,
but he promising and assuring us that he would certainly cure you, I
perswaded you to permit him to wash your eye with a certain Water
he had in a Viol about him, which he had no sooner done, but
methoughts you saw very well with your blind eye, at the sight of
which I was so over-joyed, that I awaked, and you then came up
stairs; and now Sweet-heart I am so confident of the Truth of my
Dream, that I desire to experiment the same, and therefore I pray
let me put my hand on your seeing Eye for a tryal. My Landlady
having done, her Husband replyed, Surely you have not been asleep
as you say, but talk idly for want of sleep, or else you would never
make so foolish a proposition. I know not, reply’d she, but I must
needs desire you to give me satisfaction in this particular, for I long
to try it. Well, said he, that you may see how much a fool you are, I
am content. She having liberty, clapt her hand on his seeing Eye,
and I who waited that opportunity needed no further instructions
what to do, but coming from behind the door where I had stood,
with long strides and easie, went out of the Chamber, and going
down stairs left the House: She seeing me gone, and thereby her
business being done, asked her Husband if he saw any thing? No,
said he, but if you will remove your hand I shall see a fool; she did
so, and told him that she was satisfied, but hoped it had been
otherwise: And thus, continued the Soldier, we escaped this brunt,
as we did many others. And now Madam, said he to me, I have been
very free in relating to you the greatest Secrets of my life, having so
much confidence in your discretion, that I shall run no hazard in
your knowing it, but hope as I have been free with you, so you will
be so generous as to acquaint me with your quality and condition,
and permit me to serve you in all I can. To this request I answer’d,
That indeed I was not of that Countrey, but another, and upon an
urgent affair was some time since come from London, whither I
have a desire to return; so have I, said the Soldier, and if you please
to accept of my service, I shall gladly wait on you thither, for I have
so much respect from my Captain, that I question not but he will not
onely give me leave to go, but also give me a Pass to secure me
thither. I hearing him say so, told him that I would take such order
in my affairs, that I hoped in one months time to be ready to be
gone, and then I Should be glad of his Company. This was the
discourse I held with the Soldier, who was indeed very civil with me,
spending his money freely as often as he came into my company. I
being resolved to leave this place, took order to get into my hands
what moneys I had, which I had lent out to sufficient persons in the
Town, which was in short time paid me; but very strange Accidents
happened in our house before my departure, which made me hasten
it, and which were thus: I have already told you that our house had
been a Receptacle for Cheats and Pickpockets, who by degrees
coming to be Thieves and High-way-men, they still frequented it,
and mine Host who seeing he gain’d moneys, cared not much which
ways he came by it, made no great scruple of Conscience to
entertain them, who indeed were very good Customers, and spent
equal to the best Guests we had, and he might do that with them he
might not with others, for they were bound to believe and pay all
that he reckoned, although never so unreasonable, so that he had
an equal share, if not more, of all the Prizes they made, some
whereof were very considerable; for a Knight of Yorkshire having
occasion to travel our Road was set upon and rob’d by six of our
Guests, he had onely Himself, Wife and Daughter, Coachman, and
one Horseman, this was his Company, but the Prize was
considerable, being four hundred pounds in money, besides
Watches, Rings, and other Jewels: Our Crew of Padders, although at
first they were severe enough in searching them, and stripping them
of all their Money and Jewels, yet dealt civily enough with them (if I
may term Thieves to be so) before they parted, for the Knight seeing
it was in vain to resist, and being too weak to do so, permitted them
to take all from him, but when they came to his Lady and had taken
her little Money, and proceeded to take her Rings from her Fingers,
he was troubled, and told them, that he hoped as they had found
him civil to confess and deliver all he had to them, and which he said
was very considerable, so he hoped they would not use any violence
to his Wife and Daughter, in taking their Rings from them which
were inconsiderable, and might happen to be prejudicial to them, in
discovering of them to the Law. They, who knew he said right, not
onely desisted from proceeding against the Ladies, but also gave
him his Watch and Rings and all the odd Money they had taken from
him, contenting themselves only with the four hundred pounds, and
giving him an Oath that he, nor none of his company should remove
from that place for half an hours time, that they might have leisure
to escape; they left him. He was as good as his word and staid out
his time, and they with full speed rode to our Town, and at our
house took up their Quarters: They no sooner entred the house, but
they first deliver’d their Money to the custody of mine Host, and
then called for a Trunk wherein was their Clothes, for they had
always Change of Clothes lay there, so that in a quarter of an hours
time these six Blades of Fortune were so metamorphosed that they
were not to be known; he who when he came in had a black
Perriwig and grey clothes, now had a white Perriwig and black
Clothes, and by that and pulling off Patches and such like
Disguisements, they were not to be known; for if a Hue and Cry
coms out wherein is named the number of the Robbers, they cannot
distinguish or describe them otherwise than by their Clothes and
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