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Collection Highlights

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Investigates Our Evolving Species Sang-Hee Lee

Interpersonal Communication: Everyday Encounters J.T. Wood

Interpersonal Communication & Human Relationships Mark L.

Knapp

Children’s Literature and Intergenerational Relationships:

Encounters of the Playful Kind Justyna Deszcz-Tryhubczak
Everyday encounters: an introduction to interpersonal
communication Fifth Canadian Edition Schweitzer

Interpersonal Relationships: Professional Communication

Skills for Nurses 7th Edition Elizabeth Arnold

Multi photon Quantum Secure Communication Pramode K. Verma

Female Corpses in Crime Fiction: A Transatlantic

Perspective Glen S. Close

Advances in Computer Communication and Computational

Sciences: Proceedings of IC4S 2018 Sanjiv K. Bhatia
Close Encounters
Fifth Edition

2
To our daughters—Gabrielle, Kristiana, Kirsten, Leila, and Rania And to Peter’s granddaughter—Elise Our
relationships with them bring us great joy.

3
Sara Miller McCune founded SAGE Publishing in 1965 to support the dissemination of usable knowledge
and educate a global community. SAGE publishes more than 1000 journals and over 800 new books each
year, spanning a wide range of subject areas. Our growing selection of library products includes archives, data,
case studies and video. SAGE remains majority owned by our founder and after her lifetime will become
owned by a charitable trust that secures the company’s continued independence.

Los Angeles | London | New Delhi | Singapore | Washington DC | Melbourne

4
Close Encounters
Communication in Relationships

Fifth Edition

Laura K. Guerrero
Arizona State University
Peter A. Andersen
San Diego State University
Walid A. Afifi
University of California, Santa Barbara

Los Angeles
London
New Delhi
Singapore
Washington DC
Melbourne

5
 Copyright © 2018 by SAGE Publications, Inc.

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Names: Guerrero, Laura K., author. | Andersen, Peter A., author. | Afifi, Walid A., author.

Title: Close encounters : communication in relationships / Laura K. Guerrero, Arizona State University; Peter A. Andersen, San Diego State
University; Walid A. Afifi, University of California at Santa Barbara.

Description: Fifth edition. | Thousand Oaks : SAGE Publications, Inc., 2017. | Includes bibliographical references and index.

Identifiers: LCCN 2016050544 | ISBN 9781506376721 (pbk. : alk. paper)

Subjects: LCSH: Interpersonal communication.

Classification: LCC BF637.C45 G83 2017 | DDC 153.6—dc23 LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2016050544

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7
Brief Contents
1. Preface
2. Acknowledgments
1. Chapter 1 • Conceptualizing Relational Communication
2. Chapter 2 • Communicating Identity
3. Chapter 3 • Drawing People Together
4. Chapter 4 • Making Sense of Our World
5. Chapter 5 • Changing Relationships
6. Chapter 6 • Revealing and Hiding Ourselves
7. Chapter 7 • Communicating Closeness
8. Chapter 8 • Making a Love Connection
9. Chapter 9 • Communicating Sexually
10. Chapter 10 • Staying Close
11. Chapter 11 • Coping With Conflict
12. Chapter 12 • Influencing Each Other
13. Chapter 13 • Hurting the Ones We Love
14. Chapter 14 • Healing the Hurt
15. Chapter 15 • Ending Relationships
3. Glossary
4. References
5. Author Index
6. Subject Index
7. About the Authors

8
Detailed Contents
Preface
Acknowledgments
Chapter 1. Conceptualizing Relational Communication: Definitions and Principles
The Field of Personal Relationships: A Brief History
Contributions of Interpersonal Communication Research
Contributions of Social Psychology
Roots in Other Disciplines
Relationships
General Types of Relationships
Need Fulfillment in Close Relationships
Relationship Categories
Characteristics Distinguishing Different Relationship Types
Principles of Interpersonal Communication
Verbal and Nonverbal Messages
Communication as Inevitable
Interpersonal Communication Goals
Effectiveness and Shared Meaning
Content Versus Relational Information
Symmetry in Communication
Principles of Relational Communication
Relationships Emerge Across Ongoing Interactions
Relationships Contextualize Messages
Communication Sends a Variety of Relational Messages
Relational Communication Is Dynamic
Relational Communication Follows Both Linear and Nonlinear Patterns
Summary and Application
Key Terms
Discussion Questions
Chapter 2. Communicating Identity: The Social Self
The Development of Personal Identity
Defining Identity
Human Nature and Identity
Communication and Identity
Cultural and Ethnic Identity
The Image: Creating an Identity
“Talkin’ ‘Bout Your Generation”: Millennials and Generation Z-ers’ Identity
Social Networking and Identity

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 Identity, Perception, and Self-Esteem
Expanding Identity
Principles of Identity Management
Identity and Hierarchical Structure
Identity and the Looking-Glass Self
Identity and the Interpretation of Feedback
Identity, Expectations, and Behavior
Identity and Self-Evaluation
Identity and Goal Achievement
Identity and Relationships
Communicating Identity to Others
General Issues in Self-Presentation
“Life Is a Stage”: The Dramaturgical Perspective
Politeness Theory
Summary and Application
Key Terms
Discussion Questions
Chapter 3. Drawing People Together: Forces of Social Attraction
Attraction
Types of Attraction
Fatal Attraction
A Framework for Understanding Attraction
Personal Qualities
Perceptions of Reward Value
Expectations
Biological Aspects of Attraction
Demographic Characteristics
Personality
Other People’s Qualities
Physical Attractiveness
Interpersonal Communication Skills
The “Hard-to-Get” Phenomenon
Qualities of the Pair
Similarity: “Birds of a Feather Flock Together”
Complementarity: Sometimes Opposites Attract
Similarity and Complementarity in Initial Versus Committed Relationships
Qualities of the Physical or Social Environment
Physical Environment
Proximity
Social Environment

10
 Summary and Application
Key Terms
Discussion Questions
Chapter 4. Making Sense of Our World: Managing Uncertainty and Expectancy Violations
Uncertainty
Uncertainty Reduction Theory: Issues and Challenges
The Motivation to Reduce Uncertainty
The Relationship Between Communication and Uncertainty
General Strategies for Reducing Uncertainty
Secret Tests
Predicted Outcome Value Theory
The Theory of Motivated Information Management
Relational Turbulence Theory
Expectancy Violations
Expectancy Violations Theory
Types of Expectancy Violations in Close Relationships
Expectancy Violations and Uncertainty in Specific Contexts
Summary and Application
Key Terms
Discussion Questions
Chapter 5. Changing Relationships: Stages, Turning Points, and Dialectics
Communication Skills
Relationship Stages
The “Coming Together” Stages
The “Coming Apart” Stages
The Ordering and Timing of Stages
Turning Points
Communication-Based Turning Points
Activities and Special Occasions
Events Related to Passion and Romance
Events Related to Commitment and Exclusivity
Changes in Families and Social Networks
Proximity and Distance
Crisis and Conflict
Perceptual Changes
The Dialectical Perspective
Relational Dialectics Theory
Dialectical Tensions in Friendships
Summary and Application
Key Terms

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 Discussion Questions
Chapter 6. Revealing and Hiding Ourselves: Self-Disclosure and Privacy
Self-Disclosure
Dimensions of Self-Disclosure
Self-Disclosure and Liking
Reciprocity of Self-Disclosure
Risks Associated With Self-Disclosure
Privacy
Privacy Ownership
Privacy Control
Privacy Turbulence
Influences on Rules for Privacy Management
Negotiating Privacy in Relationships: Challenges and Violations
Topic Avoidance and Secret Keeping
Topics Commonly Avoided or Kept Secret
Reasons for Topic Avoidance and Secret Keeping
How People Engage in Topic Avoidance
Topic Avoidance During Relationship Transitions
Consequences of Topic Avoidance
Consequences of Secret Keeping
Consequences of Revealing Secrets
Summary and Application
Key Terms
Discussion Questions
Chapter 7. Communicating Closeness: Affection, Immediacy, and Social Support
Closeness in Relationships
Physical Closeness
Emotional Closeness
Relational Closeness
Communicating Closeness
Affectionate Communication
Affection Exchange Theory
Communicating Affection
Immediacy Behavior
Verbal Immediacy
Nonverbal Immediacy
Cognitive Valence Theory
Behavior
Perception
Arousal

12
 Cognition
Relational Outcomes
Supportive Communication
The Dual Process Model of Supportive Communication
Invisible Support
Person-Centered Messages
Nonverbal Immediacy
Sex Differences in the Experience and Expression of Closeness
Perceptions of Closeness
Communication of Closeness
Preferences for Same-Sex Versus Cross-Sex Friendships
Summary and Application
Key Terms
Discussion Questions
Chapter 8. Making a Love Connection: Styles of Love and Attachment
What Is Love?
Love Versus Liking
Love as a Triangle
Finding Love and Falling in Love
Love Styles
Lee’s Love Styles
Ways to Communicate Love
Attachment Theory
The Propensity for Forming Attachments
Internal Working Models and Attachment Styles
Attachment Styles in Childhood
Attachment Styles in Adulthood
Attachment and Relational Satisfaction
Stability and Change in Attachment Styles Across the Life Span
Summary and Application
Key Terms
Discussion Questions
Chapter 9. Communicating Sexually: The Closest Physical Encounter
Sex in Relationships
Sex in Short-Term and Early Dating Relationships
Sex in Long-Term Relationships
Sex Differences
Sex in Same-Sex Relationships
Sexual Attitudes
Developing Sexual Attitudes and Beliefs

13
 Communication About Sex
Courtship and Flirtation
Communication, Sexual Satisfaction, and Relational Satisfaction
Sexual Scripts
Pillow Talk
Sexual Coercion and Harassment
Sexual Coercion
Sexual Harassment
Communication and Safe Sex
Summary and Application
Key Terms
Discussion Questions
Chapter 10. Staying Close: Maintaining Relationships
Defining Relational Maintenance
Behaviors Used to Maintain Relationships
Prosocial Maintenance Behaviors
Antisocial Maintenance Behavior
Modality of Maintenance Behavior
Strategic and Routine Maintenance Behaviors
Maintenance Behavior in Romantic Relationships
Changes in Maintenance Over the Course of Romantic Relationships
Maintenance in Gay and Lesbian Relationships
Maintenance Behavior in Same-Sex Friendships
Talking Versus Doing
Men and Women Are From the Same Planet
Maintenance Behavior in Cross-Sex Friendships
Challenges in Cross-Sex Friendships
Coping With Romantic Intent
Keeping Friendships Platonic
Maintenance Challenges in Other Relationships
Friends-With-Benefits Relationships
Long-Distance Relationships
Cohabiting Relationships
Equity Theory
Principles of Equity Theory
Reducing Distress in Inequitable Relationships
Combined Influence of Benefit-Cost Ratios and Equity
Summary and Application
Key Terms
Discussion Questions

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Chapter 11. Coping With Conflict: When Relational Partners Disagree
Conflict in Relationships
Defining Conflict
Frequency of Conflict in Various Relationships
Effects of Conflict on Relationships
Conflict Styles
Competitive Fighting
Compromising
Collaborating
Indirect Fighting
Avoiding
Yielding
Patterns of Conflict Interaction
Negative Reciprocity
Demand-Withdraw
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
Accommodation
Explanations for Conflict Patterns
Emotional Flooding
Attributions
Communication Skill Deficits
Summary and Application
Key Terms
Discussion Questions
Chapter 12. Influencing Each Other: Dominance and Power Plays in Relationships
Defining Power and Related Terms
Power Principles
Power as a Perception
Power as a Relational Concept
Power as Resource Based
Power as Having Less to Lose
Power as Enabling or Disabling
Power as a Prerogative
Interpersonal Influence Goals
Making Lifestyle Changes
Gaining Assistance
Sharing Activities
Initiating Sexual Activity
Changing Political Attitudes
Giving Health Advice

15
 Changing Relationships
Verbal Power Ploys
Verbal Influence Strategies
Relational Control Moves: One-Ups and One-Downs
Powerful and Powerless Speech
Nonverbal Positions of Power
Physical Appearance
Spatial Behavior
Eye Behavior
Body Movements
Touch
The Voice
Time
Artifacts
Power and Influence in Families
Parent and Child Relationships
Traditional Versus Egalitarian Marriages
Summary and Application
Key Terms
Discussion Questions
Chapter 13. Hurting the Ones We Love: Relational Transgressions
Hurt Feelings in Relationships
Relational Transgressions
Hurtful Messages
Types of Hurtful Messages
Responses to Hurtful Messages
Deception
Types of Deception
Motives for Deception
Deception Detection
Effects of Deception on Relationships
Infidelity
Types of Infidelity
Behavioral Cues to Infidelity
Sex Differences in Reactions to Infidelity
Jealousy
Characteristics of Jealousy
Experiencing Romantic Jealousy
Communicative Responses to Jealousy
Jealousy and Relational Satisfaction

16
 Sex Differences in Jealous Emotions and Communication
Unrequited Love
Obsessive Relational Intrusion
Reasons People Use Obsessive Relational Intrusion Behavior
Consequences of Obsessive Relational Intrusion Behavior
Relational Violence
Common Couple Violence
Intimate Terrorism
Summary and Application
Key Terms
Discussion Questions
Chapter 14. Healing the Hurt: Relationship Repair and Reconciliation
The Investment Model of Relationship-Maintaining Behavior
Commitment
Pro-Relationship Behaviors
The Model of Accommodation
Destructive Behaviors
Constructive Behaviors
Remedial Strategies
Apologies and Concessions
Appeasement
Explanations
Denials
Avoidance and Evasion
Relationship Talk
Forgiveness
What Forgiveness Means
Forgiving Communication
Conditions That Promote or Impede Forgiveness and Forgiving Communication
Relational Reconciliation
Reconciliation Strategies
Reintegration in the Social Network
On-Again Off-Again Relationships
Relational Redefinition
Summary and Application
Key Terms
Discussion Questions
Chapter 15. Ending Relationships: Disengagement and Termination
Why Relationships End
Infidelity and Interest in a Third Party

17
 Incompatibility
Alcohol and Drugs
Growing Apart
Loss of Love
Equity Issues Related to Family Obligations
Communication as a Cause of Relational Breakup
Withdrawal
Negative Communication
Lack of Openness and Intimacy
Abusive Communication
The Disengagement Process
A Process Model of Relational Dissolution
Catastrophe Theory
Fifteen Ways to Leave Your Partner
Unilateral and Indirect Strategies
Unilateral and Direct Strategies
Bilateral and Indirect Strategy
Bilateral and Direct Strategies
Outcomes: The Results of Relationships Endings
Negative Outcomes of Relational Breakups
Healing After a Separation
Positive Outcomes of Relational Breakups
Summary and Application
Key Terms
Discussion Questions
Glossary
References
Author Index
Subject Index
About the Authors

18
19
Preface

We are pleased and privileged to release the fifth edition of Close Encounters. We wrote the first edition of this
book in response to the increasing number of upper-division courses on relational communication and
advanced interpersonal communication being taught at colleges and universities across the country. Since
then, more courses in relational communication are being offered, and research on close relationships has
continued to flourish. Indeed, it is challenging to update the content in this book because there is so much
new research on relational communication published each year. Because of space limitations, we could not
include everything we wanted to include. Nonetheless, we believe that this edition contains an appropriate
mix of recent and classic research related to communication in relationships.

Our goal in writing Close Encounters continues to be to produce an informative yet readable textbook that will
help students understand their relationships better and be more critical consumers of information about
relationships. This book is research based. We strive to present concepts and theories in more depth than the
average textbook on interpersonal communication while writing in an accessible style. For us, writing this
textbook is a rewarding experience; it lets us reach beyond the pages of scholarly journals to share information
with students who are eager to learn more about relationships.

20
APPROACH
The book takes a relational approach to the study of interpersonal communication by focusing on issues that
are central to describing and understanding close relationships, particularly between romantic partners,
friends, and family members. One of the most exciting trends in the field of personal relationships is the
interdisciplinary nature of research and theory. Scholars from fields such as communication, family studies,
psychology, and sociology, among other disciplines, have all made important contributions to scholarly
knowledge about relationships. This book reflects the interdisciplinary nature of the field of personal
relationships while focusing strongly on interpersonal communication.

21
ORGANIZATION
Close Encounters is organized loosely around the concept of relationship trajectories. However, we use the term
trajectory loosely because all relationships are different, and no two follow exactly the same path. Nonetheless,
from a developmental perspective it is helpful to think of how relationships progress from initial meetings
toward farewells. It is also important to acknowledge, however, that there are different perspectives on how
relationships change and develop over time. Thus, we include a chapter on relational stages, turning points,
and dialectics to show students how these different perspectives complement one another. The organization of
the book also reflects that various forms of communication, such as disclosure and conflict, can occur during
any point in a relationship. For example, conflict can be studied in terms of a couple’s first big fight, the
mundane disagreements that people have on a fairly regular basis, the conflicts that enhance relational
functioning, or the argument that ultimately marks the destruction of a relationship. Some topics are also
related to one another in important ways that guided our organization of Close Encounters. For example,
theorists taking a dialectical perspective have argued that both disclosure and privacy are important in
relationships. Thus, we include information on “revealing ourselves” and “hiding ourselves” in the same
chapter. Similarly, relational scholars have long recognized that conflict is not inherently good or bad; rather,
it is how conflict is managed that determines positive or negative outcomes. Accordingly, the conflict
management chapter now follows the relational maintenance chapter so that instructors can emphasize that
both relational maintenance behaviors and constructive conflict management are key ingredients in happy
relationships. The three chapters that focus on relational transgressions, relationship repair, and relational
disengagement are packaged together at the end of the book to showcase how people deal with challenges in
their relationships. Although these chapters may be considered to reflect the “dark side” of interpersonal
communication, we believe that most topics covered in this book have a dark side and a bright side. For
example, affection is generally seen as a positive behavior, but too much affection can be smothering; breakups
are generally seen as negative actions, but ending a bad relationship can pave the way for a better one in the
future. These are examples of the complexities highlighted throughout this book.

22
FEATURES IN THIS EDITION
For this edition we retained the features that have made Close Encounters successful. Each chapter starts with a
scenario that features fictional characters dealing with communication issues, and each chapter ends with a
section called “Summary and Application.” These chapter endings tie back to the scenarios at the beginning of
each chapter so that students can see how the information they learned can be applied to a specific situation.
Throughout each chapter, we refer to the opening scenarios at various times to provide examples of how the
concepts we discuss relate to real-life situations. With the exception of Chapter 1, all chapters include at least
one Put Yourself to the Test box that enables students to find out how they rate on a particular concept. Our
students have told us that they find these boxes very helpful in identifying their communication style as well as
some of the characteristics of their relationships. Some instructors incorporate these self-tests into their course
assignments. For example, students may complete some of these tests and then write self-reflection papers
about their own communication style.

Each chapter includes an Around the World box, featuring ways that relational communication is similar and
different across cultures or within intercultural versus intracultural couples. Every chapter also includes a Tech
Talk box that highlights research showing how various aspects of communication using technology and new
media, such as texting, Facebook, Snapchat, and Instagram, function within close relationships. Highlights
boxes throughout provide definitions and details for key concepts discussed in the book. There is also a word
list at the end of each chapter, as well as a glossary at the end of the book, to help students identify and define
key concepts.

Content has been updated throughout this edition, with new material added on topics such as on-again off-
again relationships, different types of friends with benefits and cohabiting relationships, pillow talk, and
identity issues in generation Z. More research on new technologies, such as Facebook and Snapchat, as well as
texting, was added throughout the book. In Chapter 5, for example, the discussion of relational stages
includes the role that texting, Snapchat, and other new technologies play in developing, maintaining, and
ending relationships. This edition of the book also includes updated versions of privacy management theory,
the four horsemen of the apocalypse in conflict interaction, and relational goal pursuit theory. As was true in
past editions, our goal is to present topics that are at the forefront of relational communication research and
that are of high interest to students.

23
FEATURES
In addition to the features already discussed, Close Encounters is designed to appeal to students and professors
alike based on the following features:

Current, interdisciplinary research: The research in Close Encounters reflects the interdisciplinary nature of the
study of personal relationships and draws from across the social science disciplines while maintaining a focus
on communication. This edition has been carefully updated to include recent cutting-edge research on
interpersonal communication.

High-interest topics: Intriguing subjects, such as long-distance relationships, cross-sex friendships, friends with
benefits, flirting, sexual interaction, on-again off-again relationships, cohabitation, and the dark side of
relational communication are explored in depth.

Put Yourself to the Test boxes: These boxed exercises, found throughout the book, assess various aspects of
students’ own relationships and communication styles.

Around the World boxes: These boxes help students understand and appreciate that relational communication is
partially determined by culture and that they should not assume that someone from another culture thinks or
communicates the same as they do.

Tech Talk boxes: These boxes feature research that looks at how people use technology and new media (such as
cell phones, social networking sites, the Internet, and blogs) to develop and manage relationships.

Highlights boxes: These boxes take a closer look at issues in relational research and challenge students to think
critically about research and popular concepts.

Discussion Questions: These questions, found at the end of each chapter, can help students prepare for class or
can be used as springboards for classroom discussion. Some instructors also have students write position
papers in response to some of the discussion questions.

24
DIGITAL RESOURCES

edge.sagepub.com/guerrero5e

SAGE edge offers a robust online environment featuring an impressive array of free tools and resources for
review, study, and further exploration, keeping both instructors and students on the cutting edge of teaching
and learning.

SAGE edge for Students provides a personalized approach to help students accomplish their coursework goals
in an easy-to-use learning environment.

Mobile-friendly eFlashcards and quizzes strengthen understanding of key terms and concepts
A complete online action plan includes tips and feedback on students’ progress and allows them to
personalize their learning experience
Learning objectives reinforce the most important material
Video and multimedia links encourage further exploration of certain topics, which appeal to students
with different learning styles
Full-text SAGE journal articles support and expand on the concepts presented in each chapter

SAGE edge for Instructors supports your teaching by making it easy to integrate quality content and create a
rich learning environment for students. SAGE edge includes:

Test banks that allow you to edit any question and/or insert your own personalized questions, helping
you assess students’ progress and understanding
Sample course syllabi for semester and quarter courses that assist in structuring your course
Editable, chapter-specific PowerPoint® slides that offer flexibility in creating multimedia presentations
EXCLUSIVE! Access to carefully selected SAGE journal articles, which support and expand concepts
presented in each chapter
Video and multimedia links, which appeal to students with different learning styles
Lecture notes that summarize key concepts by chapter to aid in preparing lectures

25
Acknowledgments

Writing a textbook is an exciting challenge and a daunting task. As we worked on this edition of Close
Encounters, our dens were cluttered with articles and our families had to listen to the click-click-click of our
computer keyboards even more than usual. The support of our families and colleagues was critical in helping
us complete this project, and we owe them our sincere gratitude. We are especially indebted to our partners—
Vico, Janis, and Tammy—and our daughters—Gabrielle, Kristiana, Kirsten, Leila, and Rania—who provide
social support as well as examples and feedback.

We would also like to thank the many people who helped during the writing and editing process. We are
especially grateful to our editors, Karen Omer and Matthew Byrnie, and our editorial assistant, Sarah Dillard,
who were supportive through all aspects of the publication process. We would also like to thank our copy
editor, Alison Hope; production editor, Kelly DeRosa; and to acknowledge two other people who we consider
to be part of the Close Encounters family—Holly Allen and Todd Armstrong. Holly was the editor for the first
edition; a conversation between Laura and Holly back in 1998 started the Close Encounters ball rolling. Todd
Armstrong stepped in to publish a second and third edition of the book for SAGE, and he was always
enthusiastic and supportive regarding our work.

Many of our colleagues across the discipline also deserve a word of praise. We have received formal and
informal feedback from many valued colleagues throughout the years, including (but not limited to) Katherine
Adams, Jess Alberts, Guy Bachman, Jennifer Bevan, Dawn Braithwaite, San Bolkan, Brant Burleson, Daniel
Canary, John Caughlin, Scott Christopher, Michael Cunningham, Victoria DeFrancisco, Kathryn Dindia,
Norah Dunbar, Renee Edwards, Lisa Farinelli, Cara Fisher, Kory Floyd, Michael Hecht, Susan Jarboe,
Susanne Jones, Leanne Knobloch, Pamela Lannutti, Bree McEwan, Tara McManus, Sandra Metts, Claude
Miller, Paul Mongeau, Larry Nadler, Sylvia Niehuis, Donna Pawlowski, Sue Pendall, Sandra Petronio, Pam
Secklin, Denise Solomon, Brian Spitzberg, Susan Sprecher, Laura Stafford, Glen Stamp, Claire Sullivan, Paul
Turman, Richard West, Christina Yoshimura, and Stephen Yoshimura. A special thanks goes to Judee
Burgoon (Laura and Walid’s doctoral adviser and an exceptional role model) who suggested that we use the
term close encounters as part of the title.

SAGE Publications would like to thank the following reviewers for their contributions: Rukhsana Ahmed,
University of Ottawa; Suzanne Buck, Jack J. Valenti School of Communication/University of Houston; Janie
Harden Fritz, Duquesne University; Annelise Ewing Goodman, James Madison University; Sheryl Hurner,
CSU Sacramento; Cheryl Pawlowski, The University of Northern Colorado; Leslie Ramos Salazar, California
State University, Fresno; Xiaowei Shi, Middle Tennessee State University; Kandi Walker, University of
Louisville; Cory Williams, Concord University; Valerie Young, Hanover College; and Nicohlas A. Zoffel,
Sierra College.

Finally, we would like to thank all the students we have had in our classes over the years. We use some of their
examples in this book, and we have incorporated their feedback into every new edition. Just as importantly,

26
lively dialogue with students has helped sustain our enthusiasm for teaching courses on interpersonal
communication and relationships. We hope this book contributes to spirited discussions about relationships in
your classrooms as well.

—L. K. G.

—P. A. A.

—W. A. A.

27
1 Conceptualizing Relational Communication

People accomplish a lot by communicating with others. For example, take these three situations. Jake is having trouble with his
statistics homework, which is due tomorrow. His friend and roommate, Dave, is a whiz at math, so Jake tries to persuade Dave to
stay home (rather than go to a party) and help him. Meanwhile, Su-Lin recently arrived in the United States as an international
student and feels a lot of uncertainty about the university and student life. However, after joining a couple of student clubs and
getting to know some of her classmates, she starts to feel more comfortable in her new surroundings. Kristi’s husband moves out of
the house and tells her he wants a divorce. Rather than sitting at home alone, moping around and feeling sorry for herself, Kristi
drives over to her parents’ house where she receives comfort and support from her mother.

Personal relationships are central to being human. McAdams (1988) suggested that “through personal
relationships, we may find our most profound experiences of security and anxiety, power and impotence, unity
and separateness” (p. 7). People are born into relationships and live their lives in webs of friendships, family
networks, romances, marriages, and work relationships. In fact, research shows that when people talk, the
most common topics are relationship problems, sex, family, and romantic (or potential romantic) partners
(Haas & Sherman, 1982). The capacity to form relationships is innate and biological—a part of the genetic
inheritance that has enabled the human race to survive over time. Humans have less potential for survival,
creativity, and innovation as individuals than they do in relationships. Personal relationship experts have
begun to unlock the mysteries of these universal human experiences, to assist people with problematic
relationships, and to help people achieve greater satisfaction in their close encounters.

As Jake, Su-Lin, and Kristi illustrate, communication plays a central role in relationships. When we need
help, comfort, or reassurance, communication is the tool that helps us accomplish our goals. Relationships
cannot exist unless two people communicate with each other. “Bad” communication is often blamed for
problems in relationships, whereas “good” communication is often credited with preserving relationships. In
this introductory chapter, we take a close look at what constitutes both communication and relationships.
First, however, we provide a brief history of the field of personal relationships. Then we define and discuss
three important terms that are central to this book: (1) relationships, (2) interpersonal communication, and
(3) relational communication. The chapter ends with principles of interpersonal and relational
communication.

28
The Field of Personal Relationships: A Brief History
People have been curious about their relationships for thousands of years, but the formal study of personal
relationships is a fairly recent phenomenon. Today we take the study of personal relationships for granted, but
a few decades ago the scholarly investigation of relationships was considered unscientific and a waste of
resources. In 1975 Senator William Proxmire of Wisconsin publicly criticized two of the finest and earliest
relationship researchers, Ellen Berscheid and Elaine Hatfield (formerly Elaine Walster), for their research on
love. Proxmire gave the “golden fleece award” for wasteful government spending to the National Science
Foundation for supporting Berscheid and Walster’s research on love with an $84,000 grant. The senator’s
objections to “squandering” money on love research were twofold: (1) Scientists could never understand the
mystery of love, and (2) even if they did, he didn’t want to hear it and was confident that no one else did
either (E. Hatfield, personal communication, August 20, 1999). Of course, like many Americans Proxmire
had problematic relationships of his own and had just been divorced at the time he gave his “award.” Months
of harassing phone calls and even death threats to Berscheid and Walster followed (E. Hatfield, personal
communication, August 20, 1999).

Now most people, including politicians, realize that close relationships are as important to study as
earthquakes or nutrition, especially since having good relationships is associated with better mental and
physical health (Ryff, Singer, Wing, & Dienberg Love, 2001; Taylor et al., 2006; Willitts, Benzeval, &
Stansfeld, 2004). People now find social scientific knowledge compatible with personal political and religious
beliefs. In fact, some churches conduct premarital workshops and marriage encounters based on relationship
research. Bookstores and newsstands are crammed with books and magazines that focus on every aspect of
relationships, providing advice (of variable quality) on topics such as the “These are the Qualities Men
*Actually* Look for in Women” (Keong, 2016) and why “My Husband and I Text More Than We Talk—
and That’s OK” (Wright, 2015), as well as offering “11 Things You Need to Do to Have a Lasting
Relationship” (Moore, 2016), “20 Body Language Signs That Mean He’s Into You” (Narins, 2015), and “10
Things You Should Never, Ever Say In a Fight With Your Girlfriend or Wife” (Walgren, 2016), just to name
some of the advice in the popular press. One critical function of scientific research on relationships is to
provide a check-and-balance system for the popular advice given in the media. Critical consumers can
compare the scientific literature to the popular, often inaccurate, advice in magazines, best-selling books, and
television shows. Box 1.1 presents one such comparison.

Several major tributaries have contributed to the steady stream of scholarly research on personal relationships.
The early pioneers in the field could not have envisioned the vast amount of research on relationships that
exists in several disciplines today. The young field of personal relationships has always been transdisciplinary,
although it sometimes took years for scholars from different disciplines to discover one another’s work. Duck
(1988) commented that the field of personal relationships is unusual because it is truly interdisciplinary and
has the power to impact people’s everyday lives. Scholars from disciplines such as communication, social
psychology, child development, family studies, sociology, and anthropology are all in the business of studying
human relationships. In particular, research in interpersonal communication, social psychology, and other

29
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