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“Every [dual-career] couple struggles with how to make a
fulfilling life work for both partners. Now, Jennifer Petriglieri
has written a book with helpful, real-life stories and practical
solutions that actually work! I wish I’d had this book at the
beginning and middle of my career. I’m glad to have it in my
hands now.”

—JOANNA BARSH, Director Emerita, McKinsey & Company; coauthor, How

Remarkable Women Lead

“Couples That Work is a sweet, captivating journey into the

lives, loves, and lessons of over a hundred couples. An inspiring
read for anyone looking to both work and love.”

—LASZLO BOCK, cofounder and CEO, Humu; former Senior Vice President of People
Operations, Google; and author, Work Rules!

“In this provocative and thoughtful book, Professor ...

Copyright

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Copyright 2019 Jennifer Petriglieri

All rights reserved

No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or

introduced into a retrieval system, or ...
 To Gianpiero, my inspiration and muse.
And to Pietro and Arianna, who fill our life with
joy and surprises.
 CONTENTS
Cover

Title Page

Copyright

Dedication

1. The Three Transitions of a Dual-Career Couple

Transition One

How Can We Make This Work?

2. When the Honeymoon Ends

3. Struggling to Do It All

4. Achieving Interdependence

Transition Two

What Do We Really Want?

5. Hitting the Wall

6. Turmoil and Conflict

7. Transitioning to a New Path

Transition Three

Who Are We Now?

8. Loss and Limits

9. Exploring Wider Horizons

10. Couples That Work

Appendix: Studying Dual-Career Couples

Notes

Index

Acknowledgments

About the Author

 1

The Three Transitions of a Dual-

Career Couple
As Cheryl lay in her hospital bed beside her newborn baby, she
couldn’t have been happier. She had saved enough to take a
three-month unpaid maternity leave from her job in a financial
services firm and was relishing the thought of spending long
days learning to be a mom to little Annabel. It meant a lot to
her. Throughout her childhood, Cheryl had often had to worry
about money, and as a young adult, she had worked hard to
make sure that her own children would not have to. Her dream
was coming true, and she was proud of it. She was a bit nervous,
too, about the bigger apartment that she and Mark had bought
—they had stretched their budget to make it possible—but she
was grateful that Mark’s salary would help cover their expenses
while she was on leave.

Cheryl was suddenly distracted from her reverie when Mark

bounded into the room, his face beaming, bearing the bag of
baby clothes they had forgotten in their dash to the hospital. For
the past two years, he had put up with a corporate job he hated
while networking like mad to move into the startup world. The
move had proved elusive, but the birth of Annabel had clearly
improved his mood.

Mark kissed Cheryl and picked Annabel up, staring into her eyes
as she yawned. “I told you they would be just like yours,” he
said, then blurted out, “Guess what?” He seemed giddy with
excitement.

“What?” replied Cheryl expectantly.

“I just got a call from Sebastien. He secured the first round of

funding for his startup, and wants me to join it!”

The blood drained from Cheryl’s face. This was exactly the kind
of move that Mark had dreamed of, but joining an early-stage
startup would mean a huge drop in salary—maybe no salary at
all. Their scanty savings and their new mortgage meant that
Cheryl would have to go back to work after just a few weeks.
Trying to be supportive, she said, “That’s so great! Let’s talk
about the timing once we get home.”

“We can’t, darling, I’m sorry, Sebastien is moving fast and the
time is now,” Mark answered, squeezing Cheryl’s hand. “I’ve
already resigned. I start there on Monday!”

Cheryl and Mark are real people; I have only changed their
names. They are one of many couples I spoke to in researching
this book. Their story—which we’ll come back to in chapter 2—
highlights a common theme I heard: so often, for dual-career
couples, carefully plotted plans are upended by unexpected
events, and the happiest moments in life overlap with sudden
changes and challenges. The greatest opportunities spark the
toughest, and most revealing, conversations. The most
meaningful personal decisions seem to coincide with the most
consequential professional opportunities.

While the challenges dual-career couples face are fairly well

known, there is a surprising lack of meaningful guidance
available on how to deal with them. Most career advice is
targeted at individuals, treating major career decisions as if
we’re flying solo—without partners, children, siblings, friends,
or aging parents to consider.

Moreover, most advice for couples focuses on their personal

relationship, not the way it intersects with professional dreams.
Even then, couples are bombarded with blanket prescriptions
on what they should do: “Divide the housework equally,” “Strike
a balance between life and career,” “Make time for one
another”—none of which have helped couples become clearer
about, let alone learn how to satisfy, their deepest needs in work
and in love. Some even label those who strive for fulfillment in
both work and love as hopelessly naive.

I believe most current advice has failed couples because it

targets surface-level, practical issues, rather than the underlying
forces that create those issues. It tells us how we should
prioritize our careers, divide housework, and maintain a healthy
relationship, rather than exploring why we are struggling with
these things in the first place.

Many of the people I spoken to had devised intricate ways to

synch their calendars, divide up household responsibilities, and
balance their careers. Yet they rarely had a conversation about
deeper psychological and social forces, by which I mean their
struggles for power and control, the roles they expected each
other to play in their shared lives, their personal hopes and
fears, and the collective expectations of what defines a good
relationship and career that exert a powerful influence on them.

While couples may not talk much about them, these deeper
psychological and social forces influence the way they relate and
decisions they make. They push and pull on people’s behavior
and on the shape of their relationship. At times, such as during
the transitions this book focuses on, these forces can seem
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