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 Science of
The

Parenting
 Science of
The

Parenting
How today’s brain
research can help you
raise happy, emotionally
balanced children

MARGOT SUNDERLAND
Foreword by Jaak Panksepp
US Editor Jane Perlmutter
US Senior Editor Shannon Beatty
Senior Editors Jemima Dunne, Victoria Heyworth-Dunne
Project Editor Martha Burley
Project Art Editors Mandy Earey, Vicky Read, Alison Gardner
Senior Jacket Creative Nicola Powling
Senior Producer, Pre-Production Tony Phipps
Senior Producer Stephanie McConnell
Managing Editor Stephanie Farrow
Managing Art Editor Christine Keilty

DK INDIA
Senior Art Editor Ivy Roy
Art Editor Jomin Johny
Managing Art Editor Navidita Thapa
DTP Designers Manish Upreti
Pre-production Manager Sunil Sharma

The views expressed in this book are the author’s own. If you have
any concerns about any aspect of your child’s behaviour, health, or
wellbeing, it is recommended that you seek professional advice.
Neither the author nor the publisher shall be liable or responsible
for any loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or
suggestion in this book.

First American Edition, 2006. This edition 2016

Published in the United States by DK Publishing

345 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014

Copyright © 2006, 2007, 2016 Dorling Kindersley Limited

Text copyright © Margot Sunderland 2006, 2007, 2016

DK, a Division of Penguin Random House LLC

16 17 18 19 20 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

01–262226–July/2016
All rights reserved.

Without limiting the rights under the copyright reserved above, no

part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced
into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means
(electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise),
without the prior written permission of the copyright owner.

Published in Great Britain by Dorling Kindersley Limited.

A catalog record for this book is available from the Library of Congress.

ISBN 978-1-4654-2978-0

DK books are available at special discounts when purchased in

bulk for sales promotions, premiums, fund-raising, or educational
use. For details, contact: DK Publishing Special Markets, 345
Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014 [email protected]

Printed and bound in China

A WORLD OF IDEAS:
SEE ALL THERE IS TO KNOW
www.dk.com
Contents
Forewords 6 Behaving badly 172
Introduction 8
The trying times 196
Your child’s brain in your hands 14
All about discipline 220
Crying & separations 34
The best relationship with
Sleep & bedtimes 64
your child 242
Chemistry of love & joy 84
Taking care of you 260
Chemistry of drive & will 126
References 286
Your socially intelligent child 144 Useful addresses 297
Index 298
Acknowledgments 304
6 W H AT E V E R Y P A R E N T N E E D S T O K N O W

Forewords
There was a moment of shock when I first realized how
much impact the everyday interactions between parent
and child can have on a child’s developing brain. Yet
the mass of scientific research on this subject was not
getting through to parents or to the public arena. This
is what fueled my passion to write a book that would
not be just one more opinion on parenting (we have quite
enough of these already), but would rather empower
parents to make informed choices for their children
based on what we can learn from these scientific studies.
This book would not have been written without the
groundbreaking research of Professor Jaak Panksepp in
the US, who has been studying the emotional brain
for more than 30 years. His findings are not only

“ If we act upon
what science can
significant within the world of neuroscience, but also
have major implications for humankind. His work,
tell us about and that of others, offers us coherent thinking about why
parenting, we so many children grow up to be adults who suffer from
can develop more depression, anxiety, or problems with anger.
benign societies.
” If we are prepared to act upon what science can tell
us about parenting, we can push forward to develop more
benign societies with greater compassion, capacity to
reflect, and respect for difference. Perhaps, too, society
will begin to see that by nurturing parents, children will
be empowered to thrive.

Margot Sunderland
Director of Education and Training,
Centre for Child Mental Health, London
 FOREWORDS 7

This second edition of this superb manual for optimal

child-rearing practices describes how healthy minds
emerge from emotionally well-fertilized brains. The
affective and cognitive qualities of child care—even
before birth—can have lifelong consequences for mental
health. Children whose emotional feelings are cherished
and respected will live more happily than those whose
early passions are not acknowledged and soothed.
Excessive distress and loving care have lasting negative
and positive consequences on the emotional circuits and
cognitive abilities of developing brains.
Modern neuroscience has illuminated how brain
structures and neural chemistries elaborate emotionality
in animals, which has direct implications for infant and
childhood mental health. As we better understand the
nature of social emotional urges within children’s brains, “ Here we have
a scientifically secure
we will be able to open more doors to children thriving. base for child-rearing
The preschool years are especially critical for the future practices in the
success of every child. Margot Sutherland has brilliantly
updated the abundant scientific evidence of our ever-
increasing knowledge of developing brains and minds.
21st century.
”
She shares a scientifically informed secure base for child-
rearing practices that can help make this a better world.

Jaak Panksepp, PhD

Professor and Baily Endowed Chair of Animal Well-Being Sciences,
Department of Integrative Physiology and Neuroscience, Washington State University
Distinguished Research Professor Emeritus,
Department of Psychology, Bowling Green State University
Head of Affective Neuroscience Research,
The Falk Center for Molecular Therapeutics, Northwestern University
8 W H AT E V E R Y P A R E N T N E E D S T O K N O W

Introduction
I have written this second edition of What every parent
needs to know from the standpoint of a professional who
for 17 years has been studying the long-term impact of
parenting decisions on the child’s developing brain. I am
all too aware of how much harm has been done to
countless children over the generations as a result of
opinion-based parenting (or “nanny knows best”). With
this edition of the book I am also writing from the
perspective of a working parent who is extremely
familiar with the joys, the anxieties, the stress, and
profound feelings of fulfillment of parenting children.

I am thrilled that now, because of the recent advances in

our knowledge of the brain science of human relationships,
we don’t need to repeat the mistakes of the past. However,
so much of this vital scientific knowledge has not been
getting through to parents. Also, significant advances
have been made in the ten years since the first edition of

“ Now we have a greater

understanding of how
this book. In writing this new edition I want to bring the
most up-to-date research to parents so they can make
to help children thrive, informed decisions—to give them evidence-based
things can change for parenting skills. Parents have a right to know the impact
the better, in the family of their parenting choices and ways of relating to each
and in society, too.
” other and their children on a child’s developing brain;
it’s as much a right as knowing about their nutritional
needs. I have drawn on over 2,000 scientific studies from
laboratories, medical departments, and universities all
 INTRODUCTION 9

over the world. But rest assured I am also committed to

communicating in a jargon-free, accessible language. “ To experience
a warm world inside
your head depends
Research shows that parent–child relationships change very much on special
brains, not just minds. The evidence is overwhelming ‘one-on-one’ moments
that our childhood experience with our parents also
dramatically impacts our later physical and mental
health, for better or worse. It can affect whether children
”
with your parents.

are likely to go on to lead deeply rewarding lives, or

whether they might have stress-related blood pressure
problems, suffer from dementia, have a compromised
immune system, or experience anxiety. In addition,
10 W H AT E V E R Y P A R E N T N E E D S T O K N O W

“ So many grown-ups
can’t manage stress
since the publication of the first edition there have been
new findings: we now know that parenting can even
well. Because no one turn on or off key genes, protect against cancer, help
helped them enough a person enjoy longevity, and a lot more. So with the
with stress and distress evidence-based parenting practices described in this
book, you can give your child the very best gift of
in childhood, they never
quality of life, stacking the cards the right way for better
set up effective stress-
long-term mental and physical health. Without it, it’s too
regulating systems in
”
easy to choose some commonly accepted child-rearing
their brains. practices, which can damage a child’s brain and body.
This book is here to help ensure you don’t do that!

The latest brain science brings with it the need for a real
paradigm shift by parents. Rather than simply thinking
about the immediacy of whether to sleep train or not,
use controlled crying or not, co-sleep or not, ignore
tantrums, use a time-out, or let toddlers play
on tablets, we need to ask ourselves the following
questions: “How are my parenting choices now likely to
affect the long-term chemical balance and higher human
functions in my child’s brain? How are the ways I relate
to my child on a daily basis going to affect her
physiology, her ability to make good decisions under
stress, the likelihood of her suffering from anxiety or
depression later, or capacity to go on to thrive in the
world of work and personal relationships?.” Neuroscience
does not provide the solution to the jigsaw in our
 INTRODUCTION 11

understanding of what children need to be able to thrive,

but it is a vital jigsaw piece.

Some people say, “Look, we don’t need to be told how to

parent. All you need to do is love them! Children grow
up just fine without parenting experts!” If good
parenting comes naturally, how come we have this
statistic: in 2014, there were over 57 million medicinal
items dispensed in the UK for depressive illness and
anxiety disorders. There are only 53 million people in
the country!1 This speaks so loudly about the fact that
parenting practices in the past have not supported the
best quality of life for our children. We now know the
parenting practices that change children’s brains in such
a way as to protect against depression and other mental
health problems in later life. And the good news is that
it’s never too late to change how you parent to bring
about these wonderful results for your child.

So why does parenting have such an impact on a child’s

“ Some children grow
up with hearts big
brain and body? The answer is that when a child is born,
enough to feel the
her brain is still forming—it’s not finished. Some of the suffering of humankind;
brain cells are still in the process of moving to the right not just people in their
place (a process called migration). In the first year of close circle but those
life, genes key for emotional well-being are still being with different views,
expressed. In addition, vital regulatory systems are being cultures, and beliefs
set up in the infant’s brain and body. All these acutely from their own.
”
12 W H AT E V E R Y P A R E N T N E E D S T O K N O W

“ Parenting power
means that your child
sensitive processes are very vulnerable to adverse change
from stress in the infant’s life. So your relationship with
will not lose her awe your child in these early years is a hugely impactful
and wonder about the experience. Furthermore, your child’s brain is like an
world as she moves unwired computer. Whether it will be wired for “calm”
into adulthood.
” or “alarm” will depend again so much on your
relationship with your child.

You might think that surely it’s genes that count, not just
parenting style. In terms of mental and physical health,
yes it is. We have vulnerability genes and protective
 INTRODUCTION 13

genes. But the picture is no longer as simple as nurture

versus nature. In recent years, scientists working in the
field of epigenetics have found that genes can be turned
“ Experience can
change the mature
brain… but
on or off by external and environmental factors—and
experience during
this includes parenting style. The right kind of parenting
will turn off vulnerability genes and turn on protective
critical periods
ones and the wrong kind of parenting will do the reverse. of childhood
organizes actual
In short, we have now entered a brand-new era of
parenting, where for the first time we have the scientific
brain systems.
Bruce Parry
”
evidence, not just opinions, that explains how to enable
a child to thrive. In this second edition of my book I will
show you this evidence. I have revisited the contents of
each chapter and included the latest research in every
section. I have reorganized the chapters, too. There is
one that focuses on how to help your child develop a
capacity for fun, humor, and spontaneity, and another
that looks specifically at how parenting can ensure your
child fulfills her potential. Special relationship times are
vitally important for you both so I have added a new
chapter full of practical play ideas backed up by brain
science that help you have the best relationship. There
are still chapters that look at sleep, behavior, and crying,
as well as taking care of you. Overall this book provides
you with key evidence-based skills to support you in the
enormously important task of being a parent.
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