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Passion PUT

FIRST
Why
Sexual Chemistry
Is the Key to Finding
and Keeping Lasting Love

CAROL CASSELL, Ph.D.

New York Chicago San Francisco Lisbon London Madrid Mexico City
Milan New Delhi San Juan Seoul Singapore Sydney Toronto
Copyright © 2008 by Carol Cassell. All rights reserved. Manufactured in the United States of
America. Except as permitted under the United States Copyright Act of 1976, no part of this
publication may be reproduced or distributed in any form or by any means, or stored in a
database or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

0-07-159665-8

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after every occurrence of a trademarked name, we use names in an editorial fashion only, and to
the benefit of the trademark owner, with no intention of infringement of the trademark. Where
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arises in contract, tort or otherwise.

DOI: 10.1036/007149264X
 Professional

Want to learn more?

We hope you enjoy this
McGraw-Hill eBook! If
you’d like more information about this book,
its author, or related books and websites,
please click here.
 This book is dedicated to the not-so-little tribe
I belong to: Cassell, Mendez, Kauffman, Miller—
specifically, Bob Cassell, my kids (Don, Alisa, John,
Michael, Emily, and Lisa), my six grandkids (Justin,
Max, Aurora Ann, Joshua, Jacob, and Ian), my
brothers (Tom, John, and Phil), and my many nieces
and nephews, plus the in-laws and the out-laws
(Jessica, Karen, Helen, Mary, Greg, and Roxanne)—
indeed, through thick or thin, we are family.
This page intentionally left blank
 For more information about this title, click here

Contents

Acknowledgments . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . vii
Introduction: The Promise of This Book. . . . . . . . . ix

PART 1 What Is Passion?

1 Why You Crave and Need Passionate Love . . . . . . . . 3
2 Are You Ready for Passionate Love? . . . . . . . . . . . 23
3 Love Maps: Approaching Love with Eyes
Wide Open . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 47

PART 2 Is Love Hot Enough for You?

4 The Sizzle of Attraction. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 67
5 Revealing Your Inner Vixen . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 91
6 How to Talk to a Naked Man . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 111

PART 3 The Dark Side of Passion

7 Alone Together: Breathing Spaces and
Setting Love’s Boundaries. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 131
8 Jealousy: The Green-Eyed Monster and You. . . . . . 145
9 Our Cheating Hearts: Breaking Down
the Walls of Secrecy . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 157
10 The Chilling of Desire. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 181

PART 4 Making Passionate Love Work for You

11 Replenishing That Lovin’ Feeling . . . . . . . . . . . 191
12 Just Be You and Love like You’ve Never Been Hurt . . 205
13 Take-Away Messages: Finding and Keeping a
Lasting Love . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .217

v
vi CONTENTS

Resources . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 231
References . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 237
Notes . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 239
Index . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 259
 Acknowledgments

T his book was not written on an isolated

island—I couldn’t have done it alone. It
was shaped over time from many conver-
sations with countless numbers of people.
Unfortunately, it is only possible to identify and thank
just a few of those who helped transform my thoughts to
these pages.
My gratitude to Linda Konner, my literary agent, not
only for representing me so well but for her straightfor-
ward and spot-on advice. And my appreciation to Johanna
Bowman, my editor, for her enthusiasm and her finely
honed editing as well as for her warmth and gentle way
of steering me onto the right path. I also thank Jonathan
Dolger for his longtime support and for his reviews of
earlier renditions.
A special note of appreciation to three very special peo-
ple for reviewing every page of this book (including revi-
sions!): most especially to Bob Cassell for his rock-solid
loving support and his skills with syntax and grammar;
to Linda Penaloza for her keen editing eye and graceful
insights; and to my brother, Phil Miller, for his creative,
artistic energy and sense of humor that made this book
more readable and great fun to talk about.

vii
Copyright © 2008 by Carol Cassell. Click here for terms of use.
viii ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

To my friends and colleagues who generously gave of

their time—in interviews and in offering advice about
this book-in-progress—I offer thanks: Mary Dillon, Leslie
Trickey, Stella Resnick, Alan Kishbaugh, Kay Scott, Sol
Gordon, John Richardson, Phillip Gibbs, Kay Scott, and
Gina Ogden. Especially to my “Artist’s Way” writing pals,
Tara Lumpkin, Linda Moscarella, and Marie-Rose Phan-
Le. I also offer thanks to my colleagues in the Society for
the Scientific Study of Sexuality, particularly the western
region, for their scholarship and camaraderie.
My endearing gratitude to Judith Rinehart for her price-
less editorial assistance and friendship. Thanks so much,
Judith.
My appreciation to Tim Lannan, one of my most valued
friends, who always crystallizes hazy concepts and nudges
me to write from the heart. And my heartfelt thanks for his
immeasurable contributions to Jon Hendershott, a passion-
ate man and a top-notch journalist who helped shape the
tone and the content of this book.
Lastly, I thank the women and men who graciously
shared their personal experiences with me and offered such
sound “lessons learned” advice. They appear disguised in
these pages, under fictitious names, but their contributions
enriched this book tenfold.
 Introduction
The Promise of This Book

I f I cautioned you that by climbing a certain moun-

tain you’d have a fifty-fifty chance of having an
accident—one that could affect you emotionally
and economically for many years—would you do it?
Despite the dire warnings of breakup danger ahead, most of
us at some point in our lives just lace up our hiking shoes
and head for the marital summit.
Consider the odds. The next clock, blender, or DVD
player you give as a wedding gift is likely to last longer than
the marriage; the success rate for marriage is the statistical
equivalent of a coin toss. Close to half of first marriages end
in divorce; 60 percent of second marriages fail. And there
has been a recent spike in divorces among older couples,
dubbed “the thirty-seven-year itch.” The number of live-in
lovers who break up every year is anyone’s guess, but most
of us know at least one such couple.
What makes statistics and personal stories of failed love
even more disturbing is that many counselors offer only eat-
your-peas advice to women to soldier on in fixer-upper rela-
tionships while writers dish out quickie recipes for “finding
your soul mate.” Few offer nitty-gritty insight into how
women can stop falling into a tangle of disappointing or dis-
integrating relationships.

ix
Copyright © 2008 by Carol Cassell. Click here for terms of use.
x INTRODUCTION

In stark contrast, here in Put Passion First you will find

an unadorned explanation of what is causing this discon-
tent. Would you believe it’s not about a lack of sensitive,
compatible, caring romantic love? It’s not. It’s about a lack
of a passionate love in women’s lives.
Why don’t we know this?
The problem is that the airwaves, the Internet, and books
from self-help to scholarly are full of advice telling us that
the heat of “sexual chemistry” as the raison d’être for a rela-
tionship doesn’t measure up to “True Love”—that sure and
steady relationship. Or they repeatedly warn of the danger in
going overboard with passion, because it is nothing more than
a thinly veiled impulse—lust, that chameleon of love’s sexual
desires. Or they caution us to avoid, as Johnny Cash and June
Carter sang, getting “married in a fever hotter than a pepper
sprout,” because, according to the naysayers, if you do you
can forget about getting that anniversary diamond necklace.
Ironically this belief about compatibility as the red carpet
leading to a lasting relationship is popular in both folk psychol-
ogy and scientific psychology, even though the scant research
evidence isn’t persuasive. Still there is no dearth of marriage
counselors and advice columnists telling us not to judge the
potential of a relationship that lacks sexual chemistry too
harshly, because sex is not the be-all and end-all of living happy
ever after. Mostly they predict being good buddies will trump
passion, because they believe sex is the first thing to go after
you see him night after night in his faded Boy Scout skivvies.
But they are misguided or just plain wrong.
What is overlooked and undervalued is passion.
Passion is that intangible and potent fusion between the
sizzle of sexual chemistry and the calmer, loving feel-
ings of being emotionally connected to your partner.
 INTRODUCTION xi

The fact that passion is intangible and somewhat inef-

fable has left too many advice givers with blinders on,
unable to see that passion is so essential to our hearts and
souls that we will walk over hot coals to have it. I’m not
saying that being comfortable with your partner and shar-
ing values and goals for your future together isn’t impor-
tant. Of course it is. But being passionately wild for each
other is just as crucial as emotional compatibility and the
rest of the items on mate-matching checklists, like agree-
ing about how many kids you would like to have. When a
love partnership begins with a strong initial sexual attrac-
tion and then evolves into a passionate intimacy, you are
more likely to maintain romantic love’s unique intoxicat-
ing emotions as you travel over the changing hills and val-
leys of a committed relationship than if all you have is
compatibility.

Matchmaker, Matchmaker,
Make Me a Match?
The reality that without the spark of sexual chemistry a
romantic match won’t be lit is getting some attention among
the Internet matchmakers. They finally recognize that while
single people want a compatible partner, most don’t want it
at the expense of being sexually tuned in to each other. The
cyberspace matchmakers aren’t planning to change their
compatibility-mating process but admit to searching for the
ultimate sexy soul mate model—a scientifically inspired
match based on compatible personality traits and mutual sex-
ual chemistry.
xii INTRODUCTION

But it’s no slam dunk. For example, Pepper Schwartz, a

sociologist well known for her research into couples’ rela-
tionships who is the science adviser for Perfectmatch.com,
says she recognizes, despite the upside to computer match-
ing, that technology isn’t likely to replace the mystery of
who will light whose fire. Still, she believes it makes sense
to try Internet matching: “What this does is try to narrow it
down so you spend less time with people who are totally out
of the question. We’re just upping your chances.”
Helen Fisher, an anthropologist at Rutgers University, is
the resident science guru at Chemistry.com. She agrees with
Schwartz’s assessment that matches made in cyberspace
can be dicey. Fisher acknowledges that what appears to be a
great match given background, intelligence, aspirations, and
the hormones of sexual personality can fall apart when two
people meet in person. And that is why, despite the pluses
of computerized matchmaking, she believes a match comes
from a “constellation of factors, including sex drive, roman-
tic love, and a range of factors that helps us form an attach-
ment.” It is that “constellation of factors” that the computer
can’t pin down.
Despite the popularity and impressive marriage track
records of the Internet e-yentas, it is a mistake to pin all
of your wishful hopes for a partner on a formula of har-
monious compatibility. Even if it is backed by a computer-
ized wild card played in the chance you will be sexually
attracted to each other, it is an online match. What happens
between two people is still more magic than science.
In the long run, denying or ignoring your yearning for a
passionate, sensual love doesn’t work. Faking your feelings or
pretending that it doesn’t matter is disastrous for a relation-
ship in every way. Eventually the lack of sensual pleasure
 INTRODUCTION xiii

erodes the quality of the partnership and leads to frustration

and disappointment, even despair, and often to divorce.

Sexual Cravings
The depth of women’s craving for passionate love crystal-
lized for me at one of my seminars. I was reading Wendy
Lee’s “Lover’s Duet” from the book Passionate Hearts to
make my point that passionate love is deeper and far more
complex than either sex or love alone or combined:

What began as an urge to satisfy

something primal in me,
became a desire to unite deeply
with you.
I rose in love to your touch.
I lost myself in the fullness of your kiss,
the silky glide of your arms, the strong harbor of your
thighs,
The heat of your body
inside mine. . . .

When I finished, I looked up in a room full of women so

quiet they appeared to have stopped breathing.
After the workshop, women came up to me one after
another and expressed a hungry longing to experience
more erotic passion in their lives. Yet in the same breath
they expressed a sense of unease about the seductive power
of passion and how it could make them vulnerable to an
unhealthy or chaotic relationship.
xiv INTRODUCTION

What I learned from the women there, and from many,

many other women later, is that women have a deep yearn-
ing to have more passion in their lives. But they aren’t get-
ting what they crave because they are stuck in an emotional
gridlock that has become an invisible but formidable barrier.
Too many women are either fearful of or ambivalent about
allowing themselves to jump into the deep end of passion-
ate love.
Listening to those many voices talking about their pro-
found yearning for passion and love—commingled with
their uneasiness—spurred me to write this book to help
women overcome their self-defeating barriers to finding and
loving the sensual partner they crave.

Passion and Friendship: The

Best of Two Worlds
For more than thirty-five years, through my books, writ-
ings, workshops, and seminars, I’ve dedicated my life to
achieving a deeper understanding of the dynamics between
women and men and their experiences with intimate rela-
tionships. I’ve learned a lot about the power of passionate
love and its ability to add intense joy to life and its uncanny,
bewildering power to disappear in a heartbeat. And I’ve had
more than my fair share of feeling the dizziness of passion-
ate love and suffering the gut-wrenching pangs of heartbro-
kenness when it fizzled.
In a nutshell, my research into how we make decisions
about love and sex and how we deal with loving and sensual
relationships has set the stage for me to help you embark on
 INTRODUCTION xv

a journey to find a passionate love, one that will stand the

test of time. My premise is simply this: if you have a com-
fortable, compatible love but not passion, you don’t have
enough. If you have sexual heat but not friendship, you
don’t have enough. Neither lust nor love by itself is enough.
It is actually pretty simple: if you aren’t sexually in lust and
if you aren’t tickled when in his company, he’s not for you
no matter how well you “get along.” It has become clear to
me that too many women and men settle for less and end up
missing being loved the way they would have loved being
loved.
I believe that a passionate partnership offers you the best
of all worlds because it combines two separate but equally
important elements—sensual heat and friendship. At one
level, it powers the mysterious energy and intimacy of fall-
ing in love. And at the same time, it has the same capacity
for standing the test of time as a relationship in which two
people are partners and friends as well as lovers.

What Passion Is and Isn’t

My definition of passionate love isn’t the fairy-tale rendi-
tion of romantic love where everything is always coming
up roses. A passionate love isn’t a free pass around the rela-
tionship board. A couple may love each other passionately,
but they still will have to overcome the challenges of being
a couple, and sometimes they will have to walk on eggshells
to keep the peace. Passionately loving each other means
that you mutually care for each other’s well-being, that you
are interested in each other as individuals, and that you
are both committed to making your relationship bloom and
xvi INTRODUCTION

grow. Then there’s the icing on the lovin’ cake: you are erot-
ically drawn to each other by an inevitable and seemingly
magical connection.

The Road Map

In this book you’ll find a relationship road map marking
where the scenery is worth a longer look, where you might
want to stop and check out the possibilities, and how to
overcome detours, gridlock, and unexpected potholes to get
you where you want to be. At every step along the way I’ll
encourage you to give yourself permission to aim for the
kind of love that is, at its core, a sensual love partnership.
You may be seeking to find a partner. Or you may be at the
beginning of a promising relationship. Or you may be in a
settled relationship and want it to be more.
No matter your situation, you will find practical and
doable ways to overcome the prickly problems a woman
faces in trying to sort out the sex–passion–love–soul mate
equation, such as considering how to:

• Take off the emotional blinders to get a clearer look into

how your emotions, expectations, and behaviors may be
keeping you from having the relationship you need and
desire
• Accept the way a man expresses his emotions about sex
and love, not the way you would like him to
• Allow yourself to embrace a romantic or a sexual experi-
ence for whatever it is—with enthusiasm and a willing-
ness to enjoy wherever it takes you
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