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 Table of Contents

Title Page
Copyright Page
Dedication
Epigraph

PART ONE - How Did We Get Here?

Chapter 1 - The Dating Trenches

Chapter 2 - The Romantic Comedy That Predicted My Future
Chapter 3 - How Feminism Fucked Up My Love Life
Chapter 4 - Speed Dating Disaster

PART TWO - From Fantasy to Reality

Chapter 5 - Older, and Wanting to Be Wiser

Chapter 6 - $3,500 for Love
Chapter 7 - The What Versus the Why
Chapter 8 - Mondays with Evan
Chapter 9 - It’s Not Him, It’s You

PART THREE - Making Smarter Choices

Chapter 10 - Don’t Be Picky, Be Happy

Chapter 11 - Mondays with Evan
Chapter 12 - The Men Who Got Away
Chapter 13 - Pulling Another Sheldon
Chapter 14 - Mondays with Evan
Chapter 15 - What First Dates Really Tell Us
Chapter 16 - Are Women Pickier Than Men?

PART FOUR - What Really Matters

Chapter 17 - Mondays with Evan

Chapter 18 - The Business of Love
Chapter 19 - Love at Twenty-seventh Sight
Chapter 20 - Mondays with Evan
Chapter 21 - Dump the List, Not the Guy

PART FIVE - Putting It All Together

Chapter 22 - The Good Enough Marriage

Chapter 23 - A Visit with the Rabbi
Chapter 24 - Claire’s Story—Getting Over Myself
Chapter 25 - Alexandra’s Story—Mr. Right in Front of Me
Chapter 26 - Hilary’s Story—Finding What I Needed
Chapter 27 - My Story—A Dating Public Service Announcement

Epilogue
Acknowledgements
 ALSO BY LORI GOTTLIEB

Stick Figure: A Diary of My Former Self

Inside the Cult of Kibu: And Other Tales of the Millennial Gold Rush
by Lori Gottlieb and Jesse Jacobs

I Love You, Nice to Meet You

by Lori Gottlieb and Kevin Bleyer
 DUTTON
Published by Penguin Group (USA) Inc.
375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014, U.S.A.
Penguin Group (Canada), 90 Eglinton Avenue East, Suite 700, Toronto, Ontario M4P 2Y3,
Canada (a division of Pearson Penguin Canada Inc.); Penguin Books Ltd, 80 Strand,
London WC2R 0RL, England; Penguin Ireland, 25 St Stephen’s Green, Dublin 2, Ireland (a
division of Penguin Books Ltd); Penguin Group (Australia), 250 Camberwell Road,
Camberwell, Victoria 3124, Australia (a division of Pearson Australia Group Pty Ltd);
Penguin Books India Pvt Ltd, 11 Community Centre, Panchsheel Park, New Delhi—110
017, India; Penguin Group (NZ), 67 Apollo Drive, Rosedale, North Shore 0632, New
Zealand (a division of Pearson New Zealand Ltd); Penguin Books (South Africa) (Pty) Ltd,
24 Sturdee Avenue, Rosebank, Johannesburg 2196, South Africa

Penguin Books Ltd, Registered Offices: 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England

Published by Dutton, a member of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

First printing, February Copyright © 2010 by Lori Gottlieb

All rights reserved

REGISTERED TRADEMARK˿MARCA REGISTRADA

LIBRARY OF CONGRESS CATALOGING-IN-PUBLICATION DATA Gottlieb, Lori.
Marry him: the case for settling for Mr. Good Enough / by Lori Gottlieb.
p. cm.
eISBN : 978-1-101-18520-9
1. Women—Psychology. 2. Man-woman relationships—United States 3. Mate selection—
United States. I. Title.
HQ1206.G718 2010
646.7’7082—dc22 2009032824

Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may
be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or
by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise), without the
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 responsibility for errors, or for changes that occur after publication. Further, the publisher
does not have any control over and does not assume any responsibility for author or third-
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For my husband, whoever you are.
The events and facts presented in this book are true and based upon
my real-life experiences and research. Names and personal details
of some of my friends and others who appear in the book have been
changed or, in a few instances, composites created either at the
individual’s request or out of my concern for their privacy.
You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than
your dreams.

—Widely attributed to Dr. Seuss

 Prologue

The Husband Store

A NEW STORE HAS OPENED. A HUBAND STORE! THERE’S A

SIGN AT THE ENTRANCE:
YOU MAY VISIT THE HUSBAND STORE ONLY ONCE.
THERE ARE SIX FLOORS, AND THE VALUE OF THE
PRODUCTS INCREASE ON EACH SUCCESSIVE FLOOR.
THE SHOPPER CAN CHOOSE ANY ITEM FROM A
PARTICULAR FLOOR, OR GO UP TO SHOP ON THE NEXT
FLOOR, BUT SHE CANNOT GO BACK DOWN EXCEPT TO
EXIT THE BUILDING.
So, a woman goes into the store. On the first floor the sign on the
door reads:
FLOOR I—MEN WHO HAVE GOOD JOBS.
“That’s nice,” she thinks, “but I want more.” So she continues
upward, where the sign reads:
FLOOR 2—MEN WHO HAVE GOOD JOBS AND LOVE
KIDS.
 She’s intrigued, but continues to the third floor, where the sign
reads:
FLOOR 3—MEN WHO HAVE GOOD JOBS, LOVE KIDS,
AND ARE EXTREMELY HANDSOME.
“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
FLOOR 4—MEN WHO HAVE GOOD JOBS, LOVE KIDS,
ARE EXTREMELY HANDSOME, AND HELP EQUALLY
WITH THE HOUSEWORK.
“It can’t get better than this!” she exclaims. But then a voice inside
her asks, “Or can it?” She goes up and reads the sign.
FLOOR 5—MEN WHO HAVE GOOD JOBS, LOVE KIDS,
ARE EXTREMELY HANDSOME, HELP EQUALLY WITH THE
HOUSEWORK, AND HAVE A GREAT SENSE OF HUMOR.
Having found what she’s looking for, she’s tempted to stay, but
something propels her to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
FLOOR 6—YOU ARE VISITOR 42,2I5,602 TO THIS FLOOR.
THERE ARE NO MEN ON THIS FLOOR. THIS FLOOR
ONLY EXISTS TO PROVE THAT WOMEN ARE
IMPOSSIBLE TO PLEASE. THANK YOU FOR SHOPPING
AT THE HUSBAND STORE.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a Wife
Store right across the street.
The first floor has wives who Love Sex.
The second floor has wives who Love Sex and Are Kind.
The third floor has wives who Love Sex, Are Kind, and Like
Sports.
The fourth, fifth, and sixth floors have never been visited.
—My version of an old joke about choosing a husband
Okay, here they are. The qualities, off the top my head and in no
particular order, that would be on my shopping list if I visited a
Husband Store.
• Intelligent
• Kind
• Extremely funny
• Curious
• Loves kids
• Financially stable
• Emotionally stable
• Sexy
• Romantic
• Passionate
• Compassionate
• Irreverent
• Intuitive
• Generous
• Same religion but not too religious
• Optimistic but not naive
• Ambitious but not a workaholic
• Talented but humble
• Warm but not clingy
• Grounded but not boring
• Soulful but not new-agey
• Vulnerable but not weak
• Quirky but not weird
• Free-spirited but responsible
• Charismatic but genuine
• Strong but sensitive
• Athletic but not a sports nut
• Open-minded but has conviction
• Decisive but not bossy
• Mature but not old
• Creative but not an artist
• Supportive of my dreams and goals
 • Has a sense of wonderment about the world
• Is close to my age (shares my cultural references)
• Good listener and communicator
• Flexible and can compromise
• Sophisticated—well-educated, well-traveled, has been around
• Over 5’10” but under 6’0”
• Has a full head of hair (wavy and dark would be nice—no
blonds)
• Has shared political views
• Has shared values
• Is not into sci-fi or comic books
• Has good taste/sense of aesthetics
• Health-conscious and physically fit
• Cares about the community at large
• Cares about animals
• Competent
• Handy around the house
• Cooks
• Likes the outdoors (hiking, biking, Rollerblading)
• Likes my friends (and I like his)
• Not moody
• Trustworthy
• Is a team player
• Is literary and enjoys wordplay
• Is math- or science-oriented
• Likes discussing (but not arguing about) politics and world
events
• Stylish
• Stimulating
• Not a slob—respectful of our living space
• Is madly in love with me
Actually, this isn’t my current list. This is what I started off with
when I sat down to write this book. I’d never made a “list” before, but
a married friend put me up to it. I told her I didn’t have a list, and she
insisted I did, even if it only existed in my head.
 “I can’t quantify what I’m looking for,” I said. “I always just fell in
love.”
But she was right: It took me all of three minutes to give a detailed
description of my ideal guy. Even if I’d never written a list, I clearly
kept a mental file. Then she took it a step further: Hone down the list
to make it more realistic.
I gave it a try. I crossed off some easy items—he doesn’t have to
know how to cook (besides, he could always learn); if he’s 5’7”
instead of 5’10”, I could live with that. But even as I eliminated some
qualities, I found it hard to get rid of most entirely. Maybe I could
compromise on “funny,” but where do you draw the line between a
guy whose banter makes your heart race and one whose sense of
humor merely makes you smile? On a sliding scale, how much
passion would he need to be considered “passionate”?
There were so many variables. In the past, I dated a freelance
artist, only to say that next time I wanted someone financially stable.
Then I dated a doctor, but we didn’t connect creatively. Finding a
financially stable artist or a doctor who wrote novels in his spare time
wasn’t impossible—but pretty rare. And combine that with all the
other characteristics I wanted, not to mention “chemistry,” and
suddenly the mystery of why I was still single was solved.
Maybe the man I was looking for on paper simply didn’t exist. And
maybe, as my friend suggested, some of these qualities weren’t that
important when it came to a happy marriage anyway.
Yikes. What if she was right? Had I overlooked men who might
have turned out to be great husbands because I was drawn to an
instant spark and a checklist instead of a solid life partner?
Of course, I wasn’t completely clueless. By the time I hit 30, I knew
that nobody was perfect (including me) and that whoever I married
would be a flawed human being like the rest of us. I wasn’t expecting
perfection so much as intense connection. I also knew that none of
that heady first-blush excitement guaranteed everlasting love, but I
felt that without this initial launching pad, romance would never get
off the ground. As far as I was concerned, there was no point in
going on a second date if there wasn’t a strong attraction on the first.
 So, at least in the beginning of a relationship, I expected to be
dazzled (even if that meant being so distracted by my object of
affection that I nearly lost my job and risked my very livelihood). I
expected to “just know” that he was The One (even if it often
happened that a year later, I’d “just know” that I wanted to break up).
I expected to feel some sort of divine connection (even if that meant
being in a constant state of nausea and having an obsessive need to
check my voice mail every thirty minutes). This was what “falling in
love” felt like, right?
Meanwhile, my unconscious husband-shopping list grew even
longer. Like a lot of women, the older I got, the more things I wanted
in a guy, because while life experience taught me what I didn’t want
in a relationship, it also gave me a better sense of what I did want.
So the thinking would go: The last guy wasn’t X, so next time I want
X ... plus all the things I had on my list before. Basically, my Husband
Store went from a six-story building to the world’s tallest skyscraper.
And I didn’t think I was alone.
Could this be one reason that in 1975, almost 90 percent of
women in the United States were married by age 30 but in 2004,
only a little more than half were? Or why the percentages of never-
married women in every age group studied by the U.S. Census
Bureau (from 25 to 44) more than doubled between 1970 and 2006?
I wanted to find out.

A DIFFERENT KIND OF LOVE STORY

This book is a love story. It’s not mine, exactly, but it could be yours.
It all started with a dinner I had with my editor at the Atlantic.
I was 39 years old, a journalist and single mother with a toddler, and
I was grumbling about a date I’d had the night before with a lisping
45-year-old lawyer who chewed with his mouth open and talked
nonstop for three hours about his ex-wife but failed to ask a single
question about me. I didn’t know if I had it in me to go on another
date. Ever. I was so tired of having to talk to strangers over plates of
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