THE SUNSHINE BOYS

by Neil Simon

“In this unanimously acclaimed play about

the temporary reunion of two old vaudeville
comics who have been feuding for years, Neil
Simon has given more depth and scope to his
comedy than ever before.
“‘Mr. Simon always sees the tear gently drop-
ping down from the clown’s cheek. And he is al-
ways neat enough and honest enough not to be
sentimental about it... . His wit is gilt-edged and
hard. . . . In The Sunshine Boys he has finally
gotten his tears crystallized and come out as a
serious writer.”
Clive Barnes
The New York Times
“The Sunshine Boys is filled with amusing dia-
logue but it is never a mere one-line joke. The
fun always stems from character, and the two
acrimonious veterans are at once real and enor-
mously sympathetic figures.”
Richard Watts
New York Post
“Laughs pile upon laughs, yet there is much
of human nature exposed, and a little pathos can
be discerned in retrospect.”’
Jack Gaver
UPI Drama Editor
“Score another hit for Neil Simon in this
shrewdly balanced, splendidly performed, and
rather touching slice of the show-biz life.’’
Douglas Watts
Daily News
 PS
3537 Simon, Neil

The sunshine boys

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 Digitized by the Internet Archive
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 ‘HEE
SUNSH ER E
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 HUREE:
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A New Comedy by

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RANDOM HOUSE
NEW YORK

LAKE TAHOE COMMUNITY COLLEGE

LEARNING RESOURCES CENTER
 Copyright © 1973 by Neil Simon
All rights, including the right of reproduction in whole or in part, in any
form, are reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conven-
tions. Published in the United States by Random House, Inc., New York, and
simultaneously in Canada by Random House of Canada Limited, Toronto.
CAUTION: Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that The
Sunshine Boys is fully protected under the Universal Copyright Convention,
Berne Convention and Pan-American Copyright Convention and is subject to
royalty. All rights are strictly reserved, including professional, amateur, mo-
tion picture, television, radio, recitation, lecturing, public reading and foreign
translation, and none of such rights can be exercised or used without written
permission from the copyright owner.
All inquiries for licenses and permissions for stock and amateur uses
should be addressed to Samuel French, Inc., 25 West 45th Street, New York,
New York 10036. All other inquiries for licenses and permissions should be
addressed to Albert I. Da Silva, 4 West 56th Street, New York, New York
10019.

Photographs by courtesy of Martha Swope

Library of Congress Cataloging in Publication Data

Simon, Neil.
The sunshine boys; a new comedy.
I. Title
PS3537.166358 812'.5'4 73-5049
ISBN 0-394-48808-3
Manufactured in the United States of America

First Printing
 TO JOHN
_.. WHO BROUGHT THE LIGHT
TO ALL OF US
THE SUNSHINE BOYS was first presented on December 20, 1972,
by Emanuel Azenberg and Eugene V. Wolsk at the Broadburst
Theatre, New York City, with the following cast:

(In order of appearance)

Wii CLarK Jack Albertson
BEN SILVERMAN Lewis J. Stadlen
Av Lewis Sam Levene
PATIENT Joe Young
EppIE John Batiste
Nurser Lee Meredith
ReacistERED Nurse Minnie Gentry
Directed by Alan Arkin
Scenery by Kert Lundell
Costumes by Albert Wolsky
Lighting by Tharon Musser
 THE SCENE

The action takes place in New York City.

Act ONE

SCENE ONE: A small apartment in an old hotel on upper

Broadway, in the mid-Eighties. It is an early afternoon
in midwinter.
SCENE Two: The following Monday, late morning.

Act Two

SCENE ONE: A Manhattan television studio.

SCENE TWO: The same as Act One. It is two weeks later,

late afternoon.
ACH
GRE:
 SCENE I

The scene is a two-room apartment in an old hotel on

upper Broadway, in the mid-Eighties. It’s rather a depressing
place. There is a bed, a bureau, a small dining table with two
chairs, an old leather chair that faces a TV set on a cheap, metal
stand. There is a small kitchen to one side—partitioned offfrom
the living room by a curtain—a small bathroom on the other.
A window looks out over Broadway. It is early afternoon,
midwinter.
At rise, the TV is on, and the banal dialogue of a soap
opera drones on. In the leather chatr sits WILLIE CLARK, in
slippers, pajamas and an old bathrobe. wiLE 15 tn bis seventies.
He watches the program but is constantly dozing off, then catch-
ing himself and watching for a few more minutes at a time. The
set drones on and witite dozes off. The tea kettle on the stove
in the kitchen comes to a boil and whistles. wiLi1E’s head perks
up at the sound; be reaches over nd picks up the telephone.

witite (Into the phone) Hello? . . . Who’s this?

(The whistle continues from the kettle, and wiLte looks
aver in that direction. He hangs up the phone and does
not seem embarrassed or even aware of his own absent-
mindedness. He simply crosses into the kitchen and turns
off the flame under the kettle)

after
VOICE FROM Tv We'll be back with Storm Warning
this brief message from Lipton Tea.
 tH Be S) ONNES
Hele Nee sR ORYeS

wittie Don’t worry, I’m not going anywhere.

(He puts a tea ball into a mug and pours the boiling
water in. Then he goes over to the dining table in the
living room, takes a spoon, dips into a jar of honey, and
pours it into bis tea. He glances over at the TV set, which
has just played the Lipton Tea commerctal)

voice FRoM TV. And now for Part Three of today’s Storm
Warning ...

wittie What happened to Part Two? I missed Part

Two? (He drinks his tea as Part Three continues and the
banal dialogue drones on. wiLuiE listens as he shuffles toward
his chair. The TV set, which is away from the wall, bas an
electric plug running from it, along the ground and into the
wall. WILLIE, who never seems to look where he’s going, comes
up against the cord with his foot, inadvertently pulling the
cord out of its socket in the wall. The TV set immediately dies.
WILLIE sits, then looks at the set. Obviously, no picture. He
gets up and fiddles with the dials. How could his best friend
desert him at a time like this? He hits the set on the top with
his hand) What’s the matter with you? (He bits the set
again and twists the knobs futilely, never thinking for a
moment 1t might be something as simple as the plug. He slaps
the picture tube) Come on, for Pete’s sakes, what are you
doing there? (He stares at it in disbelief. He kicks the stand
on which tt rests. Then he crosses to the phone, and picks it up)
Hello? ... Sandy? ... Let me have Sandy . . . Sandy?
... My television’s dead .. . My television . . . Is this
Sandy? ... My television died... No, not Willie. Mr.
Clark to you, please . . . Never mind the jokes, wise
guy, it’s not funny . . . Send up somebody to fix my
dead television . . . I didn’t touch nothing . . Nothing,
I’m telling you... It’s a crappy set... You live in a
 ATCT SO UNTE

crappy hotel, you get a crappy television. . . The what?

2). Lhe plug? >... What plug? .. Wait a minute. (He
lays the phone down, crosses to behind the set, bends down,
picks up the plug and looks at it. He goes back to the telephone.
Into the phone) Hello? . . . It’s not the plug. It’s some-
thing else. I’ll fix it myself. (He hangs up, goes over to the
wall plug and plugs it in. The set goes back on) He tells me
the plug... When he calls me Mr. Clark then [ll tell
him it was the plug. (He sits and picks up his cup of tea)
The hell with all of ’em. (There is a knock on the door.
WILLIE looks at the wall on the opposite side of the room.
Bang all you want, I’m not turning it off. I’m lucky it
works.
(There is a pause; then a knock on the front door again,
this time accompanied by a male votce)

BEN’S voicE Uncle Willie? It’s me. Ben.

(witiie turns and looks at the front door, not acknowl-
edging that he was mistaken about the knocking on the
other wall)

WILLIE Whao’s that?

BEN’S VOICE Ben.

wiLLIE Ben? Is that you?

BEN’s voice Yes, Uncle Willie, it’s Ben. Open the door.

wittie Wait a minute. (He rises, crosses to the door, tripping

over the TV cord again, disconnecting the set. He starts to
unlatch the door, but has trouble manipulating it. His fingers
are not too manipulative) Wait a minute . . . (He 1s having
great difficulty with it)... Wait a minute.
 THE SUNSHINE BOYS

BEN’Sd voricE IIs anything

hi wrong: :

WILLIE (Still trying) Wait a minute.

(He tries forcing 1t)

BEN’S VOICE What’s the matter?

WILLIE I’m locked in. The lock is broken, I’m locked in.
Go down and tell the boy. Sandy. Tell Sandy that Mr.
Clark is locked in.

BEN’S VOICE What is it, the latch?

WILLIE It’s the latch. It’s broken, I’m locked in. Go tell
the boy Sandy, they’ll get somebody.

BEN’S VOICE ‘That happened last week. Don’t try to force

it. Just slide it out. (wmute stares at the latch) Uncle
Willie, do you hear me? Don’t force it. Slide it out.

WILLIE (Fiddling with the latch) Wait a minute. (Carefully,

be slides it open) It’s open. Never mind, I did it myself.
(He opens the door. BEN SILVERMAN, a well dressed man
in his early thirties, enters. He is wearing a topcoat and
carrying a shopping bag from Bloomingdale’s, filled to
the brim with assorted foodstuffs and a copy of the weekly
Variety )

BEN You probably have to oil it.

witLie | don’t have to oil nothing. The hell with ’em.

(BEN hangs up bis coat in the closet)

BEN (Crosses to the table with the shopping bag) You feeling
all right?

wittie What is this, Wednesday?

6
 AGT Orn)

BEN (Puzzled) Certainly. Don’t I always come on

Wednesdays?

WILLIE But this is Wednesday today?

BEN (Puts his bag down) Yes, of course. Haven’t you been
out?

WILLIE When?

BEN ‘Today. Yesterday. This week. You haven’t been

out all week?

WILLIE (Crossing to him) Sunday. I was out Sunday. I

went to the park Sunday.
(BEN hands wituir the Variety. WILLIE tucks it under
his arm and starts to look through the shopping bag)

BEN What are you looking for?

wILLie (Going through the bag) My Variety.

BEN I just gave it to you. It’s under your arm.

wir (Looks under his arm) Why do you put it there?

He puts it under my arm.

BEN (Starts taking items out of the bag) Have you been
eating properly? No corned beef sandwiches, I hope.

wILLie (Opens to the back section) Is this today’s?

BEN Certainly it’s today’s. Variety comes out on

Wednesday, doesn’t it? And today is Wednesday.

wittir I’m just asking, don’t get so excited. (BEN shakes

his head in consternation) . . Because I already read last
Wednesday’s.
 TH ES oUN
Ss: HN CE BeOYes

BEN (Jakes more items out) I got you six different kinds
of soups. All low-sodium, salt-free. All very good for
you... Are you listening?

WILLIE (His head in the paper) I’m listening. You got six
lousy-tasting soups . . . Did you see this?

BEN What?

wittiE What I’m looking at. Did you see this?

BEN How do I know what you’re looking at?

WILLIE Two new musicals went into rehearsals today

and I didn’t even get an audition. Why didn’t I get an
audition?

BEN Because there were no parts for you. One of them

is a young rock musical and the other show is all black.

wittiE What’s the matter, I can’t do black? I did black

in 1928. And when I did black, you understood the
words, not like today.

BEN I’msorry, you're not the kind of black they’re look-

ing for. (He shivers) Geez, it’s cold in here. You know
it’s freezing in here? Don’t they ever send up any heat?

WILLIr (Has turned a page) How do you like that? Sol

Burton died.

BEN Who?

WiLuiE Sol Burton. The songwriter. Eighty-nine years

old, went like that, from nothing.

BEN Why didn’t you put on a sweater?

8
 ACT ONE

wits I knew him very well... A terrible person.

Mean, mean. He should rest in peace, but he was a
mean person. His best friends didn’t like him.

nen (Goes to the bureau for a sweater) Why is it so cold in

here?

wis Youknow what kind of songs he wrote?... The

worst. The worst songs ever written were written by
Sol Burton. (He sings) “Lady, Lady, be my baby...”
Did you ever hear anything so rotten? Baby he rhymes
with lady ... No wonder he’s dead.
(He turns the page)

gen This radiator is ice-cold. Look, Uncle Willie, ’'m

not going to let you live here any more. You've got to
let me find you another place .. . I’ve been asking you
for seven years now. You're going to get sick.

waite (Still looking at Variety) Tom Jones is gonna get

a hundred thousand dollars a week in Las Vegas.
When Lewis and I were headlining at the Palace, the
Palace didn’t cost a hundred thousand dollars.

pen That was forty years ago. And forty years ago this
hotel was twenty years old. They should tear it down.
They take advantage of all you people in here because
they know you don’t want to move.
(wutie crosses to the table and looks into the shopping
bag)

wittie No cigars?

pen (Making notes on bis memo pad) You're not supposed

to have cigars.
 THE SUNSHINE BOYS

wittic Where’s the cigars?

BEN You know the doctor told you you're not supposed
to smoke cigars any more. I didn’t bring any.

WILLIE Gimme the cigars.

BEN What cigars? I just said I don’t have them. Will you
forget the cigars?

wiLLtiE Where are they, in the bag?

BEN On the bottom. I just brought three. It’s the last

time I’m doing it.

WILLIE (Takes out a bag with three cigars) How’s your

family? The children all right?
(He removes one cigar)

BEN Suddenly you’re interested in my family? It’s not

going to work, Uncle Willie. I’m not bringing you any
more cigars.

WILLIE. [| just want to know how the children are.

BEN The children are fine. They’re wonderful, thank

you.

WILLIE Good. Next time bring the big cigars.

(He puts two cigars in the breast pocket of his bathrobe
and the other one in bis mouth. He crosses into the kitchen
looking for a light)

BEN You don’t even know their names. What are the
names of my children?

wittir Millie and Sidney.

10
 ACT ONE

BEN Amanda and Michael.

WILLIE What’s the matter, you didn’t like Millie and

Sidney?

BEN I was never going to name them Millie and Sidney.

You forgot, so you made something up. You forget
everything. Ill bet you didn’t drink the milk from last
week. [Il bet it’s still in the refrigerator. (Crosses
quickly, and opens the refrigerator and looks in) ‘Vhere’s the
milk from last week.

WILLIE (Comes out of the kitchen, still looking for a light) Do

they know who I am?

BEN (Looking through the refrigerator) Who?

wittie Amanda and Sidney.

BEN Amanda and Michael. That you were a big star in

vaudeville? They’re three years old, Uncle Willie, you
think they remember vaudeville? / never saw vaude-
ville... This refrigerator won’t last another two days.

wittiE Did you tell them six times on The Ed Sullivan

Show?
(He sits, tries a cigarette lighter. It’s broken)

BEN They never heard of Ed Sullivan. Uncle Willie,

they’re three years old. They don’t follow show busi-
ness. (Comes back into the living room and sees WILLIE with
the cigar in his mouth) What are you doing? You’re not
going to smoke that now. You promised me you'd only
smoke one after dinner.

witue Am I smoking it? Do you see smoke coming

from the cigar?
i]
 Tr ESS) ORNS
He leNe rs Bsns

BEN But you’ve got it in your mouth.

WILLIE I’m rehearsing... After dinner I'll do the show.

BEN (Crossing back into the kitchen) I’m in the most ag-
gravating business in the whole world and I never get
aggravated until I come here.
(He opens the cupboards and looks in)

WILLIE (Looking around) So don’t come. I got Social

Security.

BEN You think that’s funny? I don’t think that’s funny,

Uncle Willie.

WILLIE (Thumbing through Variety) If you had a sense of

humor, you’d think it was funny.

BEN (Angrily, through gritted teeth) I have a terrific sense

of humor.

wittiz Like your father—he laughed once in 1932.

BEN I can’t talk to you.

wituir Why, they’re funny today? Tell me who you

think is funny today, and I’ll show you where he’s not
funny.

BEN Let’s not get into that, huh? I’ve got to get back to
the office. Just promise me you’ll have a decent lunch
today.

wittie If I were to tell a joke and got a laugh from you,

I'd throw it out.
 ALC Tt OEN

BEN How can I laugh when I see you like this, Uncle
Willie? You sit in your pajamas all day in a freezing
apartment watching soap operas on a thirty-five-dollar
television set that doesn’t have a horizontal hold. The
picture just keeps rolling from top to bottom—pretty
soon your eyes are gonna roll around your head...
You never eat anything. You never go out because you
don’t know how to work the lock on the door. Remem-
ber when you locked yourself in the bathroom over-
night? It’s a lucky thing you keep bread in there, you
would have starved... And you wonder why I worry.

WILLIE Calvin Coolidge, that’s your kind of humor.

BEN Look, Uncle Willie, promise me you'll eat de-

cently.

WILLIE I'll eat decently. I'll wear a blue suit, a white

shirt and black shoes.

BEN And if you’re waiting for a laugh, you’re not going

to get one from me.

wittie Who could live that long? Get me a job instead

of a laugh.

BEN (Sighs, exasperatedly) You know I’ve been trying,

Uncle Willie. It’s not easy. There’s not much in town.
Most of the work is commercials and . . . well, you
know, we’ve had a little trouble in that area.

WILLIE The potato chips? The potato chips wasn’t my

fault.

BEN Forget the potato chips.

 TPE eS URNESee INGE Br ORES

wiLtie What about the Shick Injector? Didn’t I audi-

tion funny on the Shick Injector?

BEN You were very funny but your hand was shaking.
And you can’t show a man shaving with a shaky hand.

wILLigE Why couldn’t you get me on the Alka-Seltzer?

That’s my kind of comedy. I got a terrific face for an
upset stomach.

BEN I’ve submitted you twenty times.

WILLIE What’s the matter with twenty-one?

BEN Because the word is out in the business that you

can’t remember the lines, and they’re simply not inter-
ested.

WILLIE (That hurt) I couldn’t remember the lines? I

COULDN’T REMEMBER THE LINES? I don’t
remember that.

BEN For the Frito-Lays potato chips. I sent you over to

the studio, you couldn’t even remember the address.

wiLLiE Don’t tell me I didn’t remember the lines. The

lines I remembered beautifully. The name of the
potato chip I couldn’t remember . . . What was it?

BEN Frito-Lays.

WILLIE Say it again.

BEN Frito-Lays.

witiie | still can’t remember it—because it’s not funny.

If it’s funny, I remember it. Alka-Seltzer is funny. You
say “Alka-Seltzer,” you get a laugh. The other word is
not funny. What is it?

14
 ACT. Gin)

BEN Frito-Lays.

wiILLicE Maybe in Mexico that’s funny, not here. Fifty-

seven years I’m in this business, you learn a few things.
You know what makes an audience laugh. Do you
know which words are funny and which words are not
funny?

BEN You told mea hundred times, Uncle Willie. Words

with a “K” in it are funny.

wittie Words with a “K” in it are funny. You didn’t

know that, did you? If it doesn’t have a “K,” it’s not
funny. I’ll tell you which words always get a laugh.
(He is about to count on his fingers)

BEN Chicken.

wILLig Chicken is funny.

BEN Pickle.

witLig Pickle is funny.

BEN Cupcake.

wittige Cupcake is funny ... Tomato is not funny.

Roast beef is not funny.

BEN But cookie is funny.

wILLiE But cookie is funny.

BEN Uncle Willie, you’ve explained that to me ever

since I was a little boy.

WILLIE Cucumber is funny.

BEN (Falling in again) Car keys.

15
 tHE (SWUCNeS ENG Ee BLO YeS

WILLIE Car keys is funny.

BEN Cleveland.

WILLIE Cleveland is funny ... Maryland is not funny.

BEN Listen, I have to get back to the office, Uncle Wil-

lie, but there’s something I’d like to talk to you about
first. I got a call yesterday from C.B.S.

WILLIE Casey Stengel, that’s a funny name; Robert Tay-

lor is not funny.

BEN (Sighs exasperatedly) -Why don’t you listen to me?

wittie I heard. You got a call from N.B.C.

BEN C.B:S.

WILLIE Whatever.

BEN C.B.S. is doing a big special next month. An hour

and a half variety show. They’re going to have some
of the biggest names in the history of show busi-
ness. They’re trying to get Flip Wilson to host the
show.

wituie Him I like. He gives me a laugh. With the dress

and the little giggle and the red wig. That’s a funny
boy ... What’s the boy’s name again?

BEN Flip Wilson. And it doesn’t have a K.

WILLIE But he’s black, witha “K.” You see what I mean?

16
 AVG SOENEP

BEN (Looks to heaven for help. It doesn’t come) I do, I do.

The theme of this variety show—

WILLIE What’s the theme of the show?

BEN The theme of the show is the history of comedy dating

from the early Greek times, through the days of vaude-
ville, right up to today’s stars.

WILLIE Why couldn’t you get me on this show?

BEN I got you on the show.

WILLIE Alone?

BEN With Lewis.

WILLIE (Turns away) You ain’t got me on the show.

BEN Let me finish.

WILLIE You're finished. It’s no.

BEN Can’t you wait until I’m through before you say
“no”? Can’t we discuss it for a minute?

wILuiE I’m busy.

BEN Doing what?

WILLIE Saying “no.”

BEN Youcan have the courtesy of hearing me out. They

begged me at C.B.S. Begged me.

wiLLic Talk faster, because you’re coming up to an-

other “no.”

17
 THE S UNS HEN CE BOYS

BEN hey said to me the history of comedy in the

United States would not be complete unless they in-
cluded one of the greatest teams ever to come out of
vaudeville, Lewis and Clark, The Sunshine Boys. The
vice-president of C.B.S. said this to me on the phone.
WILLIE The vice-president said this?

BEN Yes. He is the greatest Lewis and Clark fan in this

country. He knows by heart every one of your old
routines.

wittig ‘Then let 4im go on with that bastard.

BEN It’s one shot. You would just have to do it one

night, one of the old sketches. They’ll pay ten thou-
sand dollars for the team. That’s top money for these
shows, I promise you. Five thousand dollars apiece.
And that’s more money than you’ve earned in two
years.

wittie I don’t need money. I live alone. I got two nice

suits, I don’t have a pussycat, I’m very happy.

BEN You're not happy. You’re miserable.

WILLIE I’m happy! I just look miserable!

BEN You're dying to go to work again. You call me six
times a day in the office. I can’t see over my desk for
all your messages.
wiLtuiE Call me back sometime, you won’t get so many
messages.
BEN I call you every day of the week. I’m up here every
Wednesday, rain or shine, winter or summer, flu or
diphtheria.

18
 ACL TOON

wittig What are you, a mailman? You're a nephew. I

don’t ask you to come. You’re my brother’s son, you’ve
been very nice to me. I appreciate it, but I’ve never
asked you for anything . . . except for a job. You’re a
good boy but a stinking agent.

BEN I’M A GOOD AGENT? Damn it, don’t say that to

me, Uncle Willie, I’m a goddamn good agent!

WILLIE What are you screaming for? What is it, such a

wonderful thing to be a good agent?

BEN (Holds his chest) Vm getting chest pains. You give

me chest pains, Uncle Willie.

WILLIE It’s my fault you get excited?

BEN Yes, it’s your fault! I only get chest pains on

Wednesdays.

WILLIE So come on Tuesdays.

BEN (Starts for the door) Wm going. I don’t even want to

discuss this with you any more. You’re impossible to
talk to. FORGET THE VARIETY SHOW!
(He starts for the door)

wILLic I forgot it.

BEN (Stops) I’m not coming back any more. I’m not
bringing you your Variety or your cigars or your low-
sodium soups—do you understand, Uncle Willie? I’m
not bringing you anything any more.

wittieE Good. Take care of yourself. Say hello to Millie

and Phyllis.
 T HES UON SH IN Eb B ORES

BEN (Breathing heavily) Why won’t you do this for me?

I’m not asking you to be partners again. If you two
don’t get along, all right. But this is just for one night.
One last show. Once you get an exposure like that, Alka-
Seltzer willcomebeggingto me to sign you up. Jesus,
how is it going to look if I go back to the office and tell
them I couldn’t make a deal with my own uncle?

wiLLLie My personal opinion? Lousy!

BEN (Falls into a chair, exhausted) Do you really hate Al

Lewis that much?

WILLIE (Looks away) I don’t discuss Al Lewis any more.

BEN (Gets up) We have to discuss him, because CB Sais

waiting for an answer today, and if we turn them
down, I want to have a pretty good reason why. You
haven’t seen him in—what? ten years now.

WILLE (Takes a long time before answering) Eleven years!

BEN (Amazed) You mean to tell me you haven’t spoken

to him in eleven years?

WILLIE I haven’t seen him in eleven years. | haven’t

spoken to him in twelve years.

BEN You mean you saw him for a whole year that you
didn’t speak to him?

WILLig It wasn’t easy. I had to sneak around backstage

a lot.

BEN But you spoke to him onstage.

wittie Not to him. If he played a gypsy, I spoke to the

gypsy. If he played a lunatic, I spoke to the lunatic. But
that bastard I didn’t speak to.

20
 ACT ONE

BEN I can’t believe that.

WILLIE You don’t believe it? [ can show you witnesses

who saw me never speaking to him.

BEN It’s been eleven years, Uncle Willie. Hasn’t time

changed anything for you?

wittic Yes. I hate him eleven years more.

BEN Why?

wittie Why?... You never met him?

BEN Sure I met him. I was fifteen years old. I met him
once at that benefit at Madison Square Garden and
once backstage at some television show. He seemed
nice enough to me.

WILLIE That’s only twice. You had to meet him three

times to hate him.

BEN Uncle Willie, could I make a suggestion?

wittie He used to give me the finger.

BEN The what?

wituir The finger! The finger! He would poke me in

the chest with the finger. (He crosses to BEN and demon-
time
strates on him by poking a finger in BEN ’s chest every
(Pokes
he makes a point) He would say, “Listen, Doctor.”
finger) “I'm telling you, Doctor.” (Pokes finger) “You
his
know what I mean, Doctor.” (Pokes finger. BEN rubs
for
chest in pain) Hurts, doesn’t it? How’d you like it
my
forty-three years? I got a black and blue hole in
chest. My wife to her dying day thoug ht it was a tattoo.

z1
 TH ESO NS HUN Ee B:Onxes

I haven’t worked with him in eleven years, it’s just

beginning to fade away ... The man had the sharpest
finger in show business. :

BEN If you work with him again, I promise you I’ll buy
you a thick padded undershirt.

witlig You think I never did that? One night I put a

steel plate under my shirt. He gave me the finger, he
had it in a splint for a month.

BEN Something else must have happened you’re not

telling me about. You don’t work with a person for
forty-three years without some bond of affection re-
maining.

wiLLie You wanna hear other things? He used to spit

in my face. Onstage the man would spit in my face!

BEN Not on purpose.

WILLig (Turns away) He tells me “not on purpose”

... If there was some way I could have saved the spit,
I would show it to you.
BEN You mean he would just stand there and spit in
your face?

wituieE What do you think, he’s stupid? He worked it

into the act. He would stand with his nose on top of
my nose and purposely only say words that began with
a ““T.” (As he demonstrates, be spits) ““Tootsie Roll.” (Spit)
“Tinker Toy.” (Spit) “Typing on the typewriter.”
(Spits. BEN wipes his face) Some nights I thought I would
drown! I don’t know where he got it all from... I
think he would drink all day and save it up for the
night.

22
 AVG {TT OUNGE

BEN I'll put it in the contract. If he spits at you, he

won’t get paid.

witue If he can get another chance to spit at me, he

wouldn’t want to get paid.

BEN Then will you answer me one question? If it was

all that bad, why did you stick together for forty-three
years?

wiLLie (Turns; looks at bim) Because he was terrific.

There’ll never be another one like him . . . Nobody
could time a joke the way he could time a joke. Nobody
could say a line the way he said it. Iknew what he was
thinking, he knew what I was thinking. One person,
that’s what we were... No, no. Al Lewis was the best.
The best! You understand?

BEN I understand.

wituie As an actor, no one could touch him. As a hu-

man being, no one wanted to touch him.

BEN (Sighs) So what do I tell C.B.S.? No deal because Al

Lewis spits?

switiuie You know when the last time was we worked

together?

. BEN Eleven years ago on The Ed Sullivan Show.

Show. July
wittiz Eleven years ago on The Ed Sullivan
put us on in the winter
twenty-seventh. He wouldn’t
mind. We did
when people were watching, but never
never saw
The Doctor and the Tax Examination. You
that, did you?
23
 TH VES SUNS
Fe NG eB EOmyes

BEN No, but I heard it’s wonderful.

WILLIE What about a “classic”? A classic! A dead person

watching that sketch would laugh. We did it maybe
eight thousand times, it never missed... That night it
missed. Something was wrong with him, he was rush-
ing, his timing was off, his mind was someplace else.
I thought he was sick. Still, we got terrific applause.
Five times Ed Sullivan said, “How about that?” We got
back into the dressing room, he took off his make-up,
put on his clothes, and said to me, “Willie, if it’s all the
same to you, I’m retiring.” I said, ““‘What do you mean,
retiring? It’s not even nine o’clock. Let’s have some-
thing to eat. He said, “I’m not retiring for the night.
I’m retiring for what’s left of my life.” And he puts on
his hat, walks out of the theater, becomes a stockbroker
and I’m left with an act where I ask questions and
there’s no one there to answer. Never saw the man
again to this day. Oh, he called me, I wouldn’t answer.
He wrote me, I tore it up. He sent me telegrams,
they’re probably still under the door.

BEN Well, Uncle Willie, with all due respect, you really
weren’t getting that much work any more. Maybe he
was getting tired of doing the same thing for forty-
three years. I mean a man has a right to retire when
he wants, doesn’t he?

wituir Not him. Don’t forget, when he retired himself,

he retired me too. And goddamn it, I wasn’t ready yet.
Now suddenly maybe he needs five thousand dollars,
and he wants to come crawling back, the hell with him.
Pm a single now...

BEN I spoke to Al Lewis on the phone last night. He

doesn’t even care about the money. He just wants to

24
 Ay Ce SO UN TE:

do the show for old times’ sake. For his grandchildren

who never saw him.

WILLIE Sure. He probably retired broke from the stock

market. I guarantee you those high-class people never
got a spit in the face once.

BEN Did you know his wife died two years ago? He’s
living with his daughter now, somewhere in New Jer-
sey. He doesn’t do anything any more. He’s got very
bad arthritis, he’s got asthma, he’s got poor blood cir-
culation—

wituie I'll send him a pump. He'll outlive you, believe

me.

BEN He wants very much to do this show, Willie.

wittie With arthritis? Forget it. Instead of a finger,

he’ll poke me with a cane.

BEN C.B.S. wants you to do the doctor sketch. Lewis

told me he could get on a stage tonight and do that
sketch letter perfect. He doesn’t even have to rehearse
it.

wituie I don’t even want to discuss it . . . And in the

second place, I would definitely not do it without a
rehearsal.
rse
BEN Ail right, then will you agree to this? Just rehea
call it
with him one day. If it doesn’t work out, we'll
off.

wit I don’t trust him. I think he’s been planning this

then he
for eleven years. We rehearse all week and
walks out on me just before the show.
25
 PH EY (Ss USNS HEN ES BsOr yes

BEN Let me call him on the phone. (Going over to the

phone) Let me set up a rehearsal time for Monday.

witti—g WAIT A MINUTE! I got to think about this.

BEN We don’t have that much time. C.B.S. is waiting to

hear.

wiLLic What’s their rush? What are they, going out of

business?

BEN (Picks up the phone) Im dialing. I’m dialing him,

Uncle Willie, okay?

WILLIE Sixty-forty—I get six thousand, he gets four

thousand . . . What the hell can he buy in New Jersey
anyway?

BEN (Holding the phone) I can’t do that, Uncle Willie

... God, I hope this works out.
wituig Tell him I’m against it. I want him to know. I'll
do it with an “against it.”

BEN It’s ringing.

wittie And he’s got to come here. I’m not going there,
you understand?

BEN He’s got to be home. I told him I would call about

one.
WILLIE Sure. You know what he’s doing? He practicing
spitting.

BEN (Into the phone) Hello? ... Mr. Lewis? .. . Ben

Silverman ... Yes, fine, thanks... I’m here with him
now.

26
 AGG Ome

wILLic Willie Clark. The one he left on The Ed Sullivan

Show. Ask him if he remembers.

BEN It’s okay, Mr. Lewis ... Uncle Willie said yes.

wituie With an “against it.”” Don’t forget the “against

ite

BEN No, he’s very anxious to do it.

WILLIE (Jumping up in anger) WHO’S ANXIOUS? 'M

AGAINST IT! TELL HIM, you lousy nephew.

BEN Can you come here for rehearsal on Monday?. . .

Oh, that’ll be swell . . . In the morning. (To WILLIE )
About eleven o’clock? How long is the drive. About
two hours?

witur Make it nine o’clock.

BEN Be reasonable, Willie. (Into the phone) Eleven o’-

clock is fine, Mr. Lewis . . . Can you give me your
address, please, so I can send you the contracts? (He
takes a pen out of his pocket and writes in his notebook)
One-one-nine, South Pleasant Drive...

wit Tell him if he starts with the spitting or poking,

I’m taking him to court. Pll have a man on the show
watching. Tell him.
ven-
BEN West Davenport, New Jersey . . . Oh-nine-se
seven-oh-four . . .

wituir I don’t want any—(Spitting)—“ Toy telephones

tapping on fin turtles.” Tell him. Tell him.
Curtain

27
 SCENE 2

It 1s the following Monday, a few minutes before eleven

in the morning.
The stage 1s empty. Suddenly the bathroom door opens
and WILLir emerges. He is still wearing his slippers and the same
pajamas, but instead of his bathrobe, be has made a concession
to the occasion. He is wearing a double-breasted blue suit-jacket,
buttoned, and he 1s putting a handerchief in his pocket. He looks
in the mirror, and brushes back his hair. He shuffles over to the
window and looks out.
There is a knock on the door. witu1e turns and stares
at it. He doesn’t move. There is another knock, and then we bear
BEN 5 VOICE.

BEN’S voICE Uncle Willie. It’s Ben.

wile Ben? Is that you?

BEN’S voice Yes. Open up. (WILLE starts toward the door,
then stops)

wituie You're alone or he’s with you?

BEN’S VOICE
’
I’m alone.
’

WILLIE (Nods) Wait a minute. (The latch is locked again,

and again he has trouble getting it open) Wait a minute.

BEN’S VOICE Slide it, don’t push it.

 AUG T) ONS

wILLiz Wait a minute. I'll push it.

BEN’s voicE DON’T PUSH IT! SLIDE IT!

wittie Wait a minute. (He gets the lock open and opens the
door. BEN walks in) You’re supposed to slide it.

BEN I rushed like crazy. I didn’t want him getting here

before me. Did he call or anything?

wiLticE Where’s the Variety?

BEN (Taking off his coat) It’s Monday, not Wednesday.

Didn’t you know it was Monday?

WILLIE I remembered, but I forgot.

pen What are you wearing? What is that? You look

half-dressed.

wittie Why, for him I should get all dressed?

BEN Are you all right? Are you nervous or anything?

wituizr Why should J be nervous? He should be ner-

vous. I don’t get nervous.

BEN Good.

witiie Listen, I changed my mind. I’m not doing it.

BEN What?

wittiz Don’t get so upset. Everything is the same as

before, except I’m not doing it.

BEN When did you decide this?

29
 THE "SUNS HEN Ee BOWS

WILLIE I decided it when you asked me.

BEN No, you didn’t. You told me you would do it.

wiLLig Well, it was a bad decision. This time I made a

good one.

BEN Well, I’m sorry, you have to do it. I’ve already told
C.B.S that you would be rehearsing this week and,
more important, that man is on his way over here now
and I’m not going to tell him that you called it off.

WILLIE We’ll leave him a note outside the door.

BEN We’re not leaving any notes. That’s why I came

here this morning, I was afraid you would try some-
thing like this. ’'m going to stay until I think you’re
both acting like civilized human beings, and then
when you're ready to rehearse, I’m going to leave you
alone. Is that understood?

wituie I’m sick. I woke up sick today.

BEN No, you're not.

wittiE What are you, a doctor? You’re an agent. I’m
telling you I’m sick.

BEN What’s wrong?

wie I think I got hepatitis.

BEN You don’t even know what hepatitis is.

WILLIE If you got it, what’s the difference?

BEN There’s nothing wrong with you except a good

case of the nerves. You’re not backing out, Willie. I
don’t care what kind of excuse you make, you’re going

30
 Ay Gl ONE

to go through with this. You promised me you would

give it at least one day.

wiLLiE I'll pick another day.

BEN TODAY! You're going to meet with him and re-

hearse with him TODAY. Now stop and just behave
yourself.

witLtic What do you mean, “behave yourself’? Who do

you think you’re talking to, Susan and Jackie?

BEN Amanda and Jackie!—Michael! I wish I were. I can

reason with them. And now I’m getting chest pains on
Monday.

wiLLig Anyway, he’s late. He’s purposely coming late

to aggravate me.

BEN (Looking out the window) He’s not late. It’s two min-
utes after eleven.

WILLIE So what is he, early? He’s Jate!

BEN You're /ooking to start trouble, I can tell.

witiie I was up and dressed at eight o’clock, don’t tell

me.

BEN Why didn’t you shave?

wituir Get me the Shick commercial, Ill shave. (He

looks in the mirror) I really think I got hepatitis. Look
how green I look.

BEN You don’t get green from hepatitis. You get yel-
low.

31
 DHE SeUeN Seo NGE eB OMYas

wiLLIE Maybe I got a very bad case.

BEN (Looks at bis watch) Now you got me nervous. I

wonder if I should call him? Maybe he’s sick.

WILLIE (Glares at him) You believe he’s sick, but me you

won’t believe ... Why don’t you become his nephew?
(Suddenly there 1s a knock on the door. wiLuie freezes
and stares at tt)

BEN That’s him. You want me to get it—

WILLIE Get what? I didn’t hear anything.

BEN (Starts toward the door) All right, now take it easy.
Please just behave yourself and give this a chance.
Promise me you'll give it a chance.

WILLIE (Starts for the kitchen) Ill give it every possible

chance in the world . . . But it’s not gonna work.

BEN Where are you going?

WILLIE To make tea. I feel like some hot tea.

(He crosses into the kitchen and closes the curtain. Starts
to fill up the kettle with water)

BEN(Panicky) NOW? NOW? (BEN looks at him, exasperated;

a knock on the door again and BEN crosses to it and opens it.
AL LEWIS stands there. He 1s also about seventy years old and
ts dressed in his best blue suit, hat, scarf, and carries a walking
stick. He was probably quite a gay blade in his day, but time
has slowed him down somewhat. Our first impression is that
He is soft-spoken and pleasant—and a little nervous) Mr.
Lewis, how do you do? I’m Ben Silverman.
(BEN, nervous, extends his hand)
 Ae Ct VOEN

aL How are you? Hello. It’s nice to see you. (His eyes
dart around looking for wititr. He doesn’t see him yet)
How do you do?... Hello... Hello... How are you?

BEN We met before, a long time ago. My father took me

backstage, I forget the theater. It must have been
fifteen, twenty years ago.

AL I remember .. . Certainly . . . It was backstage

... Maybe fifteen, twenty years ago . . . I forget the
theater.

BEN That’s right.

AL Sure, I remember.
(He has walked into the room and shoots a glance toward
the kitchen. witi1e doesn’t look up from hts tea-making)

BEN Please sit down. Uncle Willie’s making some tea.

AL Thank you very much.

(He sits on the edge of the table)

BEN(Trying hard to make conversation) Er. . . Did you

have any trouble getting in from Jersey?

at My daughter drove me in. She has a car.

BEN Oh. That’s nice.

Ar) wAmo72Ghrysler . 57 black. -

BEN Yes, the Chrysler’s a wonderful car.

aL The big one . . . the Imperial.

BEN I know. I drove it.

33
 DHE TSsUGN,S
Hoe Nee BLOWS

AL My daughter’s car?

BEN No, the big Chrysler Imperial. I rented one in

California.

AL (Nods) No, she owns.

BEN I understand .. . Do you come into New York

often?

AL ‘Today’s the first time in two years.

BEN Really? Well, how did you find it?

aL My daughter drove.

BEN No, I mean, do you find the city different in the

two years since you’ve been here?

AL It’s not my New York.

BEN No, I suppose it’s not. (He shoots a glance toward the
kitchen. wituie still hasn’t looked in) Hey, listen, ’'m
really very excited about all this. Well, for that matter,
everyone in the industry is.

AL (Nods, noncommittally) Well, we'll see.

(He looks around the room, scrutinizing it)

BEN (He calls out toward the kitchen) Uncle Willie, how
we doing? (No answer. Embarrassed, to ac) I guess it’s
not boiling yet .. . Oh, listen, I'd like to arrange to have
a car pick you up and take you home after you’re
through rehearsing.

aL My daughter’s going to pick me up.

BEN Qh, I see. What time did you say? Four? Five?

34
 ACT ONE

AL She’s going to call me every hour.

BEN Right...
(Suddenly wii. sticks his head out of the kitchen, but
looks at BEN and not at AL)

WILLIE One tea or two teas?

BEN Oh, here he is. Well, Uncle Willie, I guess it’s been
a long time since you two—

WILLig One tea or two teas?

BEN Oh. Er, nothing for me, thanks. I’m just about
leaving. Mr. Lewis? Some tea?

aL (Doesn’t look toward wii ) Tea would be nice, thank

you.

BEN (To wiuie) Just the one, Uncle Willie.

wittme You're sure? I got two tea balls. I could dunk

again.

BEN (Looks at bis watch) No, I’ve got to get back to the
office. Honestly.

wittie (Nods) Mm-hmm. One tea.

(On his way back in, he darts a look at Lewis, then goes
hack into the kitchen. He pulls the curtain shut)

pen (To Lewis) Well, er... Do you have any questions

you want to ask about the show? About the studio or
rehearsals or the air date? Is there anything on your
mind that I could help you with?

AL Like what?

35
 THE SUN SHIN ED EOLYS

BEN Like, er, the studio? Or the rehearsals? Or air date?

Things like that?

AL You got the props?

BEN Which props are those?

aL The props. For the doctor sketch. You gotta have

props.

BEN Qh, props. Certainly. What do you need? I’ll tell

them.
(Takes out a pad; writes)

AL You need a desk. A telephone. A pointer. A black-

board. A piece of white chalk, a piece of red chalk. A
skeleton, not too tall, a stethoscope, a thermometer, an
“ahh” stick—

BEN What’s an “ahh” stick?

AL To put in your mouth to say “ahh.”

BEN Qh, right, an “ahh” stick.

AL A look stick, a bottle of pills—

BEN A look stick? What’s a look stick?

AL_ A stick to look in the ears. With cotton on the end.

BEN Right. A look stick.

aL A bottle of pills. Big ones, like for a horse.

BEN (Makes a circle with his two fingers) About this big?
AL That’s for a pony. (Makes a circle using the fingers of
both hands) For a horse is like this. Some bandages,
cotton, and eye chart—

36
 ACT ONE

BEN Wait a minute, you’re going too fast.

AL(Slowly) A-desk ... a-telephone . . .a-pointer...

BEN No, I got all that—after the cotton and eye

chart.

aL A man’s suit. Size forty. Like the one I’m wear-

ing.

BEN Also in blue?

at. What do I need two blue suits— Get me a brown.

BEN. A brown suit. Is that all?

AG bats all:

wituir (From the kitchen, without looking in) A piece of

liver.

aL That’s all, plus a piece of liver.

BEN What kind of liver?

at Regular calves’ liver. From the butcher.

BEN Like how much? A pound?

at A little laugh is a pound. A big laugh is two pounds.

Three pounds with a lot of blood’ll bring the house
down.

BEN Is that it?

AL That’s it. And a blonde.

BEN You mean a woman—

37
 THe SUNS HeiNeb Bb OnveS

AL You know a blond nurse that’s a man?. .. Big! As big

as you can find. With a big chest—a forty-five, a fifty
—and a nice bottom.

BEN You mean a sexy girl with a full, round, rear end?

AL (Spreads hands apart) About like this. (Makes a smaller

behind with his hands) This is too small. (Makes a bigger
one) And this is too big. (Goes back to the original one)
Like this is perfect.

BEN I know what you mean.

AL If you can bring me pictures, I'll pick out one.

BEN There’s a million girls like that around.

AL The one we had was the best. I would call her, but
she’s maybe fifty-five, sixty.

BEN No, no. I'll get a girl. Anything else?

AL Not for me.

BEN Uncle Willie?

WILLIE (From the kitchen) 1 wasn’t listening.

BEN Well, if either of you thinks of anything, just call

me. (Looks at his watch again) Eleven-fifteen—TI’
ve got to
go. (He gets up) Uncle Willie, ’'m going. (He crosses to
LEWwIs and extends his band) Mr. Lewis, I can’t express to
you enough how happy I am, and speaking for the
millions of young people in this country who never
had the opportunity of seeing Lewis and Clark work,
I just want to say “thank you.” To both of you. (Calls
out) Vo both of you, Uncle Willie.

38
 Ae DMOLN.E

AL (Nods) I hope they won’t be disappointed.

BEN Oh, they won’t.

AL I know they won’t. I’m just saying it.

BEN (Crosses to the kitchen) Goodbye, Uncle Willie. I’m

going.

wie Tl show you the elevator.

BEN I know where it is. I'll call you tonight. [I just want
to say that this is a very happy moment for me. To see
you both together again, reunited . . . The two kings
of comedy. (Big smile) ’'m sure it must be very exciting
for the both of you, isn’t it? (No answer. They both just
stare at him) Well, it looks like we’re off to a great start.
I'll call you later . . . Goodbye.
(He leaves and closes the door. They are alone. WILLIE
carries the two teas to the dining table, where the sugar
bowl is. He pours himself a teaspoonful of sugar)

wILLic (Without looking in av’s direction) Sugar?

aL (Doesn’t turn) If you got.

witie (Nods) I got sugar. (He bangs the sugar bowl down
in front of aL, crosses with his own tea to bis leather chair and
sits. And then the two drink tea... silently and interminably.
They blow, they sip, they blow, they sip and they sit. Finally)
You like a cracker?

AL (Sips) What kind of cracker?

wittie Graham, chocolate, coconut, whatever you

want.
 THE SUNSHINE BOYS

AL Maybe just a plain cracker.

WILLIE [| don’t have plain crackers. I got graham, choco-

late and coconut.

aL All right, a graham cracker.

WILLIE (Without turning, points into the kitchen) ‘They’re

in the kitchen, in the closet.
(aL looks over at him, a little surprised at bis uncordial-
ity. He nods in acknowledgment)

AL Maybe later.
(They both sip their tea)

WILLIE (Long pause) I was sorry to hear about Lillian.

AL Thank you.

WILLIE She was a nice woman. I always liked Lillian.

aL Thank you.

wituiz And how about you?

AL Thank God, knock wood—(Raps knuckles on his cane)

—perfect.

witueE I heard different. | heard your blood didn’t cir-

culate.

AL Not true. My blood circulates . .. I’m not saying

everywhere, but it circulates.

wittir Is that why you use the cane?

AL It’s not a cane. It’s a walking stick . . . Maybe once

in a great while it’s a cane.

40
 ACTON E

wittie I’ve been lucky, thank God. I’m in the pink.

aL I was looking. For a minute I thought you were

having a flush.

WILLIE (Sips his tea) You know Sol Burton died?

AL Goon... Who’s Sol Burton?

WILLIE You don’t remember Sol Burton?

AL (Thinks) Oh, yes. The manager from the Belasco.

WILLIE ‘That was Sol Bernstein.

AL Not Sol Bernstein. Sol Burton was the manager from

the Belasco.

WILLIE Sol Bernstein was the manager from the Belasco,

and it wasn’t the Belasco, it was the Morosco.

AL Sid Weinstein was the manager from the Morosco.

Sol Burton was the manager from the Belasco. Sol Bern-
stein I don’t know who the hell was.

wittiE How can you remember anything if your blood

doesn’t circulate?

AL It circulates in my head. It doesn’t circulate in my

feet.
(He stomps bis foot on the floor a few times)

WILLIE Is anything coming down?

aL Wait a minute. Wasn’t Sid Weinstein the song-

writer?

wit No for chrissakes! That’s SOL BURTON!

41
 THE SUNSHINE BOYS

AL Who wrote “Lady, lady, be my baby’?

wiLuig That’s what I’m telling you! Sol Burton, the

lousy songwriter.

AL Qh, that Sol Burton . . . He died?

WILLIE Last week.

AL Where?

WILLIE (Points) In Variety.

AL Sure, now I remember... And how is Sol Bern-

stein?

wiLLigE_ I didn’t read anything.

aL Good. I always liked Sol Bernstein. (They quietly sip

their tea. av looks around the room) So-o-o .. . this is where
you live now?

witLig Didn’t I always live here?

AL (Looks again) Not in here. You lived in the big suite.

wiLLlik This is the big suite . . . Now it’s five small

suites.
(AL nods, understanding)

AL (Looks around) ‘That’s what they do today. Anything

to squeeze a dollar. What do they charge now for a
small suite?

wittie ‘The same as they used to charge for the big

suite.
(AL nods, understanding)

42
 ACT ONE

AL I have a very nice room with my daughter in New

Jersey. I have my own bathroom. They don’t bother
me, I don’t bother them.

WILLIE What is it, in the country?

AL Certainly it’s in the country. Where do you think

New Jersey is, in the city?

wILLigE (Shrugs) New Jersey is what I see from the

bench on Riverside Drive. What have they got, a pri-
vate house?

aL Certainly it’s a private house. It’s some big place.

Three quarters of an acre. They got their own trees,
their own bushes, a nice little swimming pool for the
kids they blow up in the summertime, a big swing in
the back, a little dog house, a rock garden—

wILLIE A what?

aL A rock garden.

wILL1E What do you mean, a rock garden? You mean

for rocks?

aL You never saw a rock garden?

wiLtLieE And I’m not that anxious.

aL It’s beautiful. A Chinaman made it. Someday you'll

take a bus and you’ll come out and [ll show you.

wituir I should drive all the way out to New Jersey on

a bus to see a rock garden?

at You don’t even know what I’m talking about. You

have to live in the country to appreciate it. I never
ao
 DHE SUNSHINE BOY'S

thought it was possible I could be so happy in the

country.

WILLIE You don’t mind it’s so quiet?

AL (Looks athim) ‘They got noise in New Jersey. But it’s

a quiet noise. Birds... drizzling... Not like here with
the buses and trucks and screaming and yelling.

witlit Well, it’s different for you. You like the country
better because you’re retired. You can sit on a porch,
look at a tree, watch a bush growing. You’re still not
active like me. You got a different temperament,
you're a slow person.

AL I’m a slow person?

wittie You’re here fifteen minutes, you still got a

whole cup of tea. I’m finished already.

aL That’s right. You’re finished, and I’m still enjoying

it. That was always the difference with us.

WILLIE You’re wrong. I can get up and make a second

cup of tea and enjoy it twice as much as you. I like a
busy life. That’s why I love the city. I gotta be near a
phone. I never know when a picture’s gonna come up,
a musical, a commercial .. .

AL When did you do a picture?

wiLlig They’re negotiating.

AL When did you do a musical?

witlig They’re talking.

44
 ACT ONE

AL When did you do a commercial?

WILLIE All the time. I did one last week.

AL For what?

WILLIE For, er, for the . . . what’s it, the potato chips.

AL What potato chips?

wituir The big one. The crispy potato chips... er

... you know.

AL What do I know? I don’t eat potato chips.

wILLiE Well, what’s the difference what the name is?

AL They hire you to sell potato chips and you can’t

remember the name?

wILLiE Did you remember Sol Burton?

AL (Shrugs) Im not selling Sol Burton.

WILLIE Listen, I don’t want to argue with you.

AL I didn’t come from New Jersey to argue.

(They sit quietly for a few seconds. av sips his tea; wIL-
LIE looks at his empty cup

WILLE (Finally) So-o-o... What do you think? ... You

want to do the doctor sketch?

AL (Thinks) Well, listen, it’s very good money. It’s only

a few days’ work, I can be back in New Jersey. If you
feel you’d like to do it, then my feeling is I’m agreeable.

wittie And my feeling they told you.

45
 THE SUNSHINE BOYS

AL What?

wILLic They didn’t tell you? My feeling is I’m against

it,

AL You're against it?

wituig Right. But I'll do it if you want to.

AL I don’t want to do it if you’re against it. If you’re

against it, don’t do it.

wittig What do you care if I’m against it as long as

we're doing it? I just want you to know why I’m doing
it.

AL Don’t do me any favors.

wiLLie Who's doing you a favor? I’m doing my nephew

a favor. It'll be good for him in the business if we do it.

AL You’re sure?

WILLIE Certainly I’m sure. It’s a big break for a kid like
that to get big stars like us.

AL That’s different. In that case, I’m against it too but

Pll do it.

WILLIE (Nods) As long as we understand each other.

aL And I want to be sure you know I’m not doing it for

the money. The money goes to my grandchildren.

WILLIE The whole thing?

aL The whole thing. But not now. Only if I die. If I

don’t die, it'll be for my old age.

46
 ATG lk OON-E

WILLIE The same with me.

AL You don’t have grandchildren.

WILLIE My nephew’s children. Sidney and Marvin.

AL (Nods) Very good.

wILlig Okay . . . So-o-0, you wanna rehearse?

aL You’re not against rehearsing?

wiLLIE Why should I be against rehearsing? I’m only

against doing the show. Rehearsing is important.

AL All right, let’s rehearse. Why don’t we move the

furniture, and we’ll make the set.
(They both get up and start to move the furniture
around. First each one takes a single chair and moves it
into a certain position. Then they both take a table and
jointly move it away. Then they each take the chair the
other one had moved before, and move it into a different
place. Every time one moves something somewhere, the
other moves it into a different spot. Finally wit
becomes aware that they are getting nowhere)

WILLIE Wait a minute, wait a minute. What the hell are

we doing here?

AL I’m fixing up the set, I don’t know what you’re

doing.

wituir You're fixing up the set?

AL That’s right.

WILLIE You're fixing up the set for the doctor sketch?

(aL looks at him for a long time without saying a word.
It suddenly becomes clear to him)

47
 DHE Ses NES ee IGNGE SSBiORYeS

AL Qh, the doctor sketch?

(He then starts to pick up a chair and move it into
another position. WILLIE does the same with another
chair. They both move the table... and then they repeat
what they did before. Every time one moves a chatr, the
other one moves the same chair to a different posttion.
WILLIE stops and looks again)

WILLIE Wait a minute! Wait a minute! We’re doing the

same goddamn thing. Are you fixing up for the doctor
sketch or are you redecorating my apartment?

av I’m fixing up for the doctor sketch. If you'd leave

what I’m doing alone, we’d be finished.

wiLLiE We'd be finished, but we’d be wrong.

aL Not for the doctor sketch. I know what I’m doing.

I did this sketch for forty-three years.

wittik And where was | all that time, taking a smoke?

Who did you think did it with you for forty-three
years? That was me, mister.

AL Don’t call me mister, you know my name. I never

liked it when you called me mister.

WILLIE It’s not a dirty word.

AL It is when you say it.

WILLIE Forgive me, sir.

AL Let’s please, for Pete’s sakes, fix up for the doctor

sketch.

wittie You think you know how to do it? You fix it up.

48
 ACT ONE

aL It'll be my pleasure. (wituir stands aside and watches

with arms folded as av proceeds to move table and chairs and
stools until he arranges them exactly the way he wants them.
Then he stands back and folds his arms the same way) There!
That’s the doctor sketch!

WILLIE (Smiles arrogantly) For how much money?

AL I don’t want to bet you.

WILLIE You're afraid to lose?

AL I’m afraid to win. You don’t even have enough to

buy a box of plain crackers.

wittieE —Don’t be so afraid you’re gonna win—because

you're gonna lose! That’s not the doctor sketch. That’s
the gypsy chiropractor sketch.

AL You’re positive?

WILLIE I’m more than positive. I’m sure.

AL All right. Show me the doctor sketch.

WILLIE (Looks at him confidently, then goes to a chair, picks it

up and moves 1t to the left about four inches, if that much.
Then he folds his arms over his chest) There, that’s the
doctor sketch!

AL(Looks at him) You know what you are, Willie?

You're a lapalooza.

wiLLiE (Nods) If I’m a lapalooza, you’re a mister.

AL Let’s please rehearse the sketch.

49
 TH b SU NS Hol Neb BB ORYes

wittie All right, go outside. I’m in the office.

aL You gonna do the part with the nurse first?

wituie You see a nurse here? How can I rehearse with

a nurse that’s not here?

aL I’m just asking a question. I’m not allowed to ask

questions?

wittie Ask whatever you want. But try to make them

intelligent questions.

aL I beg your pardon. I usually ask the kind of question

to the kind of person I’m talking to... You get my
drift?

WILLIE I get it, mister.

aL All right. Let’s skip over the nurse. We’ll start from
where I come in.

wittie All right, from where you come in. First go out.

AL (Takes a few steps toward the door, stops and turns) All
right, I’m outside. (Pantomimes with his fist, knocking on
a door) Knock, knock, knock! I was looking for the
doctor.

WILLIE Wait a minute. You’re not outside.

aL Certainly I’m outside.

wiLuie If you were outside, you couldn’t see me, could

your

AL No.

50
 ACT ONE
WILLIE Can you see me?
AL Yes.
WILLIE So you’re not outside. Go all the way outside.
What the hell kind of a rehearsal is this?

AL It’s a rehearsing rehearsal. Can’t you make believe

I’m all the way out in the hall?

WILLIE I could also make believe you were still in New

Jersey, but you’re not. You’re here. Let’s have a profes-
sional rehearsal, for chrissakes. We ain’t got a nurse,
but we got a door. Let’s use what we got.

AL (Sighs deeply) Listen, we’re not gonna stop for every

little thing, are we? I don’t know how many years I got
left, I don’t wanna spend it rehearsing.
wiLLie We're not gonna stop for the little things. We’re
gonna stop for the big things . . . The door is a big
thing.

AL All right, I'll go through the door, I’ll come in, and
then we'll run through the sketch once or twice, and
that'll be it for today. All right?

wituig Right... Unless another big thing comes up.

AL (Glares at him) All right, ’'m going out. I'll be right

back in. (He crosses to the door, opens it, stops and turns) If
I’m outside and my daughter calls, tell her to pick me
up in an hour.
(He goes out and closes the door behind him)

WILLIE (Mumbles, half to himself) She can pick you up

now for all I care. (He puts his hands behind his back, clasps
them, and paces back and forth. He calls out) All right!

51
LAKE TAHOE COMMUNITY COLLEGE
LEARNING RESOURCES CENTER
 TH bm) Ss) CO Nis ein BOYS

Knock, knock, knock!

aL (From outside) Knock, knock, knock!

WILLE (Screams) Don’t say it, for God’s sakes, do it! (To
himself) He probably went crazy in the country.

at (From outside) You ready?

witur (Yells) Wm ready. Knock, knock, knock! (AL

hear
knocks three times on the door) Come in. (We see and
the doorknob jiggle, but it doesn’t open. This 1s repeated) All
right, come in already.

aL (From outside) It doesn’t open—it’s stuck.

|
wituir (Wearily) All right, wait a minute. (He shuffles over
to the door and puts his hand on the knob and pulls. It doesn’t
open) Wait a minute.
(He tries again, to no avail)

aL (From outside) What’s the matter?

WILLIE Wait a minute.

(He pulls harder, to no avail)

AL Is it locked?

wituir It’s not locked. Wait a minute. (He tries again; it

doesn’t open) It’s locked. You better get somebody. Call
the boy downstairs. Sandy. Tell him it’s locked.

aL (From outside) Let me try it again.

wit What are you wasting time? Call the boy. Tell
him it’s locked.
(AL tries it again, turning it in the other direction, and
the door opens. They stand there face-to-face)

52
 ACT ONE

AL_ I fixed it.

WILLIE (Glares at him) You didn’t fix it. You just don’t
know how to open a door.

AL Did my daughter call?

wittiE You know, I think you went crazy in the coun-

try.
AL You want to stand here and insult me, or do you
want to rehearse the sketch?

wiLLie I would like to do both, but we ain’t got the time

... Let’s forget the door. Stand in here and say “Knock,
knock, knock.”

aL (AL comes in and closes the door. Sarcastically) 1 hope I

can get out again.

wittie I hope so too.(He places his hands behind his back

and paces) All right. “Knock, knock, knock.”

aL (Pantomimes with his fist) Knock, knock, knock.

WILLIE (Singsong) Enter!

aL (Stops and looks at him) What do you mean “Enter”?

(He does it in the same singsong way) What happened to
“Comesn?

WILLIE It’s the same thing, isn’t it? “Enter” or “come

in.” What’s the difference, as long as you're in?

aL The difference is we’ve done this sketch twelve

thousand times, and you’ve always said “Come in,”
and suddenly today it’s “Enter.” Why today, after all
these years, do you suddenly change it to “Enter’’?
53
 Dee SS Oe NESsE
le Neb a Bs esas

WILLIE (Shrugs) Tm trying to freshen up the act.

AL Whoasked you to freshen up the act? They asked for

the doctor sketch, didn’t they? The doctor sketch starts
with “Come in,” not “Enter.” You wanna freshen up
something, put some flowers in here.

WILLIE It’s a new generation today. This is not 1934, you

know.

AL No kidding? I didn’t get today’s paper.

wiLtLtie What’s bad about “Enter” instead of “Come

ho
= ”

aL Because it’s different. You know why we’ve been

doing it the same way for forty-three years? Because
it’s good.

wittie And you know why we don’t do it any more?

Because we’ve been doing it the same way for forty-
three years.

AL So, if we’re not doing it any more, why are we

changing it?
wittie Can I make a comment, nothing personal? I
think you’ve been sitting on a New Jersey porch too
long.

AL What does that mean?

wittie That means I think you’ve been sitting on a

New Jersey porch too long. From my window, I see
everything that goes on in the world. I see old people,
I see young people, nice people, bad people, I see hold-
ups, drug addicts, ambulances, car crashes, jumpers
from buildings—I see everything. You see a lawn
mower and a milkman.

54
 AGL O NTE

AL (Looks at him for a long moment) And that’s why you

want to say “Enter” instead of “Come in”?

wititir Are you listening to me?

aL (Looks around) Why, there’s someone else in the

room?

wittie You don’t know the first thing that’s going on

today?

aL All right, what’s going on today?

wiLLig Did you ever hear the expression “That’s where

it is”? Well, this is where it is, and that’s where I
am.

aL I see... Did you ever hear the expression “You

don’t know what the hell you’re talking about’? It
comes right in front of the other expression “You never
knew what the hell you were talking about.”

witLiz_ J wasn’t the one who retired. You know why

you retired? Because you were tired. You were getting
old-fashioned. I was still new-fashioned, and [Il always
be.

aL I see. That’s why you’re in such demand. That’s

why you’re such a “hot” property today. That’s why
you do movies you don’t do, that’s why you're in musi-
cals you’re not in, and that’s why you make commer-
cials you don’t make—because you can’t even remem-
ber them to make them.

wittie You know what I do remember? I remember

what a pain in the ass you are to work with, that’s what
I remember.

3p)
 THE SVUIN SwHOreNe ba BLORYes

aL That’s right. And when you worked with this pain

in the ass, you lived in a five-room suite. Now you live
in a one-room suite ... And you're still wearing the
same goddamn pajamas you wore in the five-room
suite.

wiLLiE I don’t have to take this crap from you.

aL You're lucky you're getting it. No one else wants to

give it to you.

wiLuiE I don’t want to argue with you. After you say

“Knock, knock, knock,” I’m saying “Enter,” and if you
don’t like it you don’t have to come in.

AL You can’t say nothing without my permission. I

own fifty percent of this act.

wittiE Then say your fifty percent. I’m saying “Enter”

in my fifty percent.

aL If you say “Enter” after “Knock, knock, knock”

... I'm coming in all right. But not alone. I’m bringing
a lawyer with me.

wituieE Where? From New Jersey? You’re lucky if a cow

comes with you.

AL Against you in court, I could win with a cow.

(He enunciates each point by poking wiL1E in the chest)

WILLIE (Slaps bis band away) The finger? You’re starting

with the finger again?
(He runs into the kitchen and comes out brandishing a
knife.)

AL I'll tell you the truth now. I didn’t retire. I escaped.

56
 AVG ty OON

WILLIE (Wielding the knife) The next time you give me

the finger, say goodbye to the finger.

aL (Hiding behind a chair) Listen, I got a terrific idea.

Instead of working together again, let’s never work
together again. You’re crazy.

wiLiie I’m crazy, heh? ’M CRAZY!

aL Keep saying it until you believe it.

WILLIE I may be crazy, but you're senile! You know

what that is?

aL I’m not giving you any straight lines.

witLie Crazy is when you got a couple of parts that go

wrong. Senile is when you went the hell out of busi-
ness. That’s you, mister. (The phone rings. aL moves to-
ward the phone) Get away from that phone. (He drives the
knife into the table. at. backs away tn shock. WILLIE picks up
the phone) Hello?

aL Is that my daughter?

witur Hello... How are you?

aL Is that my daughter? Is that her?

wittit (To aL) Will you shut up? Will you be quiet?
Can’t you see I’m talking? Don’t you see me on the
phone with a person? For God’s sakes, behave like a
human being for five seconds, will your WILL YOU
BEHAVE FOR FIVE SECONDS LIKE A HUMAN
BEING? (Into the phone) Hello? ... Yes... Just a
minute. (To aL) It’s your daughter.
(He sits, opens up Variety)
57
 ie Ee SeUONtS
Hele Nesh a beOn yas

AL (Takes the phone, turns his back to wiLLir, speaks low)

Hello... Hello, sweetheart... No... No...I can’t
talk now... I said I can’t talk now .. . Because he’s
a crazy bedbug, that’s why.

WILLIE (Jumps up) Mister is no good but bedbug is all

right?? (Yells into the phone) Your father is sick! Come
and get your sick father!

AL (Turns to him) Don’t you see me on the phone with

a person? Will you please be quiet, for God’s sakes!
(Back into the phone) Listen, I want you to pick me up
now ... I don’t want to discuss it. Pick me up now. In
front of the hotel. Don’t park too close, it’s filthy here
... 1 know what I promised. Don’t argue with me. I’m
putting on my coat. I'll wait in the street—I’ll proba-
bly get mugged .. . All right, just a minute. (He hands
the phone to wit) She’d like to talk to you for a
second.

WILLIE Who is it?

AL (Glares at him) Mrs. Eleanor Roosevelt ... What do

you mean, who is it? Didn’t you just say it’s my daugh-
ter?

wittie | know it’s your daughter. I forgot her

name.

AL Doris.

WILLIE What does she want?

at (Yells) Am I Doris? She'll tell you.

WILLIE (Takes the phone) Hello?.. . Hello, dear, this is

Willie Clark . . . Unpleasantness? There was no un-

58
 ALC TS ORNGE

pleasantness . . . There was stupidity maybe but no

unpleasantness...

AL Tell her I’m getting into my coat. (He ts putting his

coat on) Tell her I got one sleeve on.

WILLIE (Into the phone) 1 was hoping it would work out

too... I bent over backwards and forwards. He didn’t
even bend sideways...

aL_ I got the other sleeve on... Tell her I’m up to my

hat and then I’m out the door.

WILLIE It’s a question of one word, darling. “Enter”!

.. .““Enter”—that’s all it comes down to.

aL (Puts his hat on) The hat is on. I’m bundled up, tell
her.

WILLIE (Into the phone) Yes... Yes, I will... VPI tell him
myself. I promise ... Goodbye, Dorothy. (He hangs up)
I told her we’ll give it one more chance.

av Not if you say “Enter.” “Come in,” Pll stay. “En-

ter,” I go.

wittie Ask me “Knock, knock, knock.”

aL Don’t fool around with me. I got enough pains in

my neck. Are you going to say “Come in”?

wittie Ask me “Knock, knock, knock”!

aL I know you, you bastard!

witti ASK ME “KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK”’!

aL KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK!

59
 THE SUNSHINE BOYS

WILLIE (Grinding it in) EN-TERRR!

aL BEDBUG! CRAZY BEDBUG!

(He starts to run out)

WILLIE (Big smile) ENNN-TERRRRR!

(The curtain starts down)

AL (Heading
for the door) LUNATIC BASTARD!
wittigE ENNN-TERRRR!
Curtain

60
 ACEH
HEWe
 SCENE I

The scene 1s a doctor’s office or, rather, an obvious stage

“flat” representation of a doctor’s office. It has an old desk and
chair, a telephone, a cabinet filled with medicine bottles, a hu-
man skeleton hanging on a stand, a blackboard with chalk and
pointer, an eye chart on the wall.
Overhead television lights surround the top of the set.
Two boom microphones extend from either end of the set over the
office.
At rise, the set is not fully lit. A thin, frail man in a
hat and business suit sits in the chair next to the doctor’s desk,
patiently waiting.

VOICE OF TV DIRECTOR (Over the loudspeaker) Eddie! ED-

DIE!
(eppiE, @ young assistant TV director with headset and
speaker, trailing wires and carrying a clipboard, steps
out on the set. He speaks through bis mike)

EDDIE Yeah, Phil?

VOICE OF TV DIRECTOR Any chance of doing this today?

EDDIE (Shrugs) We're all set here, Phil. We’re just wait-
ing on the actors.

VOICE OF Tv pirEcTOR What the hell is happening?

 THE SU Nes HL N Ee, BsO yes

EDDIE I don’t know. There’s a problem with the make-

up. Mr. Clark wants a Number Seven amber or some-
thing. ;

VOICE OF TV DIRECTOR Well, get it for him.

EDDIE Where? They stopped making it thirty-four years

ago.

VOICE OF TV DIRECTOR Christ!

EDDIE And Mr. Lewis says the “ahh sticks are too short.

VOICE OF TV DIRECTOR The what?

EDDIE ‘The “ahh” sticks. Don’t ask me. I’m still trying
to figure out what a “look” stick is.

VOICE OF TV DIRECTOR What the hell are we making,

Nicholas and Alexandra? Tell them it’s just a dress re-
hearsal. We'll worry about the props later. Let’s get
moving, Eddie. Christ Almighty.
(WILLIE ’s nephew BEN appears onstage. He talks up into
the overhead mike)

BEN Mr. Schaefer .. . Mr. Schaefer, I’m awfully sorry

about the delay. Mr. Lewis and Mr. Clark have had a
few technical problems backstage.

VOICE OF TV DIRECTOR Yeah, well, we’ve had it all week

... 'm afraid we’re running out of time here. I’ve got
twelve goddamned other numbers to get through to-
day.

BEN I'll get them right out. There’s no problem.

VOICE OF TV DIRECTOR ‘Tell them I want to run straight

through, no stopping. They can clean up whatever
they want afterwards.
64
 Gtr WO

BEN Absolutely.

VOICE OF TV DIRECTOR I haven’t seen past “Knock,

knock, knock”—“Come in” since Tuesday.

BEN (Looks offstage) Right. There they are. (Into the mike)
We're ready, Mr. Schaefer. I'll tell them we’re going to
go straight through, no stopping. Thank you very
much.
(BEN exits very quickly)

VOICE OF TV DIRECTOR A\l right, Eddie, bring in the cur-

tains.

EDDIE What?

VOICE OF Tv DIRECTOR Bring in the curtains. Let’s run it

from the top with the voice over.

EDDIE (calls up) Let’s have the curtains.

(The curtains come 1n)

VOICE OF TV DIRECTOR Voice over!

ANNOUNCER The golden age of comedy reached its

zenith during a fabulous and glorious era known as
Vaudeville—Fanny Brice, W. C. Fields, Eddie Cantor,
Ed Wynn, Will Rogers and a host of other greats fill
its Hall of Fame. There are two other names that be-
long on this list, but they can never be listed sepa-
rately. They are more than a team. They are two comic
shining lights that beam as one. For, Lewis without
Clark is like laughter without joy. We are privileged to
present tonight, in their first public performance in
over eleven years, for half a century known as “The
Sunshine Boys”—Mr. Al Lewis and Mr. Willie Clark,
in their beloved scene, “The Doctor Will See You
Now.”
65
 DHE S UNSHIN E BOY'S

(The curtain rises, and the set is fully lit. The frail man
in the hat 1s sitting on the chair as wiLuir, the doctor,
dressed 1n a floor-length white doctor’s\jacket, a mirror
attached to his head and a stethoscope around his neck is
looking into the PATIENT’s mouth, holding his tongue
down with an “abh” stick)

WILLIE Open wider and say “Ahh.”

PATIENT Ahh.

WILLIE Wider.

PATIENT Abbb!

WILLIE (Moves with his back to the audience) A little wider.

PATIENT Ahhh!

WILLIE (Steps away) Your throat is all right, but you’re

gonna have some trouble with your stomach.

PATIENT How come?

WILLIE You just swallowed the stick.

(The patient feels his stomach)

PATIENT Is that bad?

wILuig It’s terrible. I only got two left.

PATIENT What about getting the stick out?

wittit What am I, a tree surgeon? ... All right, for

another ten dollars, ll take it out.

PATIENT ‘That’s robbery.

66
 AV Cal ToweO

wILLic ‘Then forget it. Keep the stick.

PATIENT No, no. I'll pay. Take the stick out.

wILLIE Come back tomorrow. On Thursdays I do

woodwork. (The PATIENT gets up and crosses to the door,
then exits. WILLIE calls out) Oh, Nurse! Nursey!
(The Nurse enters. She is a tall, voluptuous and over-
stacked blonde in a tight dress)

NuRSE Did you want me, Doctor?

wILLiEe (He looks at her, knowingly) Why do you think I

hired you? ... What’s your name again?

NursE Miss MacKintosh. You know, like the apples.

wittiz (Nods) The name I forgot, the apples I remem-

bered ... Look in my appointment book, see who’s
next.

NuRSE. It’s a Mr. Kornheiser.

wittie Maybe you’re wrong. Look in the book. It’s bet-

ter that way.
(She crosses to the desk and bends way over as she looks
through the appointment book. Her firm, round rear end
faces us and WILLIE. WILLIE shakes bis head from side to
side in wonderful contemplation)

NuRSE (Still down) No, I was right.

wILLic So was I.

NuRSE (Straightens up and turns around) It’s Mr. Korn-

heiser.
67
 THE SUNSHINE BOYS

WILLIE Are you sure? Spell it.

NuRSE (Turns, bends and gives us the same wonderful view

again) K-o-r-n-h-e-i-s-e-r!
(She turns and straightens up)

WILLIE (Nods) What’s the first name?

NURSE (Turns, bends) Walter.

WILLIE Stay down for the middle name.

NURSE (Remains down) Benjamin.

wiLtiE Don’t move and give me the whole thing.

NuRSE (Still rear end up, reading) Walter Benjamin Korn-

heiser.
(She turns and straightens up)

wittie Qh, boy. From now on I only want to see pa-

tients with long names.

NuRSE Is there anything else you want?

wituir Yeah. Call a carpenter and have him make my

desk lower.
(The Nurse walks sexily right up to WILLE and stands
with her chest practically on his, breathing and heaving)

Nurse (Pouting) Yes, Doctor.

WILLIE (Wipes his brow) Whew, it’s hot in here. Did you
turn the steam on?

NuRSE (Sexily) No, Doctor.

WILLIE In that case, take a five-dollar raise. Send in the

next patient before /’m the next patient.

68
 IX (OP 40 Ai(0)

NuRSE Yes, Doctor. (She coughs) Excuse me, I think I

have a chest cold.

wittie Looks more like an epidemic to me.

NURSE Yes, Doctor. (She wriggles her way to the door) Is

there anything else you can think of?

WILLIE I can think of it, but I’m not so sure I can do it.

NuRSE Well, If I can help you, Doctor, that’s what the

nurse is for.
(She exits and closes the door with an enticing look)

WILLIE I’m glad I didn’t go to law school. (Then we hear

three knocks on the door. “‘Knock, knock, knock”’) Aha. That
must be my next patient. (Calls out) Come in! (The door
starts to open)—and enter!
(AL steps in and glares angrily at wiLLie. He ts ina bust-
ness suit, wears a wig, and carries a cheap attaché case)

AL I’m looking for the doctor.

witiir Are you sick?

aL Are you the doctor?

WILLIE Yes.

aL I’m not that sick.

wiLLic What’s your name, please?

aL. Kornheiser. Walter Benjamin Kornheiser. You

want me to spell it?

wittiz Never mind. I got a better speller than you

_.. (Takes a tongue depressor from his pocket) Sit down and
open your mouth, please.
69
 TOM PS USN TSeE GENE baa Ones

AL There’s nothing wrong with my mouth.

WILLIE Then just sit down. ‘

AL There’s nothing wrong with that either.

wiLtiE Then what are you doing here?

AL I came to examine you.

wituir I think you got everything backwards.

AL It’s possible. I dressed in a hurry this morning.

WILLIE You mean you came here for me to examine you.

AL No, I came here for me _ to examine

you. I’m a tax collector.

WILLIE (Nods) That’s nice. ’ma stamp collector. What

do you do for a living.
aL I find out how much money people make.

wituiE Oh, a busybody. Make an appointment with the

nurse.

aL I did. I’m seeing her Friday night . . .

WILLIE (Jumps up and down angrily) Don’t fool around

with my nurse. DON’T FOOL AROUND WITH
MY NURSE! She’s a nice girl. She’s a Virginian!

AL A what?

WILLIE A Virginian. That’s where she’s from.

AL Well, she ain’t going back, I can tell you that. (He sits,
opens the attaché case) 1 got some questions to ask you.

70
 AT Cal eel WeO

WILLIE I’m too busy to answer questions. I’m a doctor.

If you wanna see me, you gotta be a patient.

AL But I’m not sick.

WILLIE Don’t worry. We’ll find something.

aL All right, you examine me and I'll examine you

.. . (Takes out a tax form as wiLiie wields the tongue
depressor) The first question is, How much money did
you make last year?

WILLIE Last year I made—

(He moves his lips mouthing a sum, but it’s not audible.)

AL I didn’t hear that.

wittie Oh. Hard of hearing. I knew we’d find some-

thing. Did you ever have any childhood diseases?

AL Not lately.

wILLiE Father living or deceased?

AL Both.

wiLLiE What do you mean, both?

aL First he was living, now he’s deceased.

wittiE What did your father die from?

aL My mother... Now it’s my turn. Are you married?

wittie I’m looking.

aL Looking to get married?

71
 THES USN StH
INGE BOR Yes

WILLIE No, looking to get out.

(He looks in av’s ear with a flashlight)

aL What are you doing?

WILLic I’m examining your lower intestines.

AL So why do you look in the ear?

wiLLiz If I got a choice of two places to look, I'll take

this one.

AL (Consulting bis form) Never mind. Do you own a car?

witlig Certainly I own a car. Why?

AL If you use it for medical purposes, you can deduct

it from your taxes. What kind of car do you own?

WILLIE An ambulance.

AL Do you own a house?

WILLIE Can I deduct it?

aL Only if you use it for medical purposes. Where do

you live?

wittie In Mount Sinai Hospital ... Open your shirt,

I want to listen to your heartbeat.

AL (Unbuttons two buttons on his shirt) Will this take long?

wittir Not if I hear something. (He puts his ear to au’s
chest and listens) Uh-huh. I hear something .. . You’re
all right.

AL Aren’t you going to listen with the stethoscope?

72
 ENXCAD BE AY(0)

wituiE Oh, sure. I didn’t know you wanted a thorough

examination. (Puts the stethoscope to his ears and listens to
AL 's chest) Oh, boy. Ohhh, boyyyy! You know what you
got?

AL What?

wituie A filthy undershirt.

aL Never mind that. Am I in good health?

wiLLIE Not unless you change your undershirt.

AL What is this, a doctor’s office or a laundry? I bet you

never went to medical school.

WILLIE (Jumping up and down again) What are you tal-

kin’? ... WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN?’ .. . I went to
Columbia Medical School.

AL Did you pass?

WILLIE Certainly.

AL Well, you should have gone tn!

WILLIE Never mind... Im gonna examine your eyes

now.

AL They’re perfect. I got twenty-twenty eyes.

WILLIE That’s too much. All you need is one and one.
Look at that chart on the wall. Now put your left hand
over your left eye and your right hand over your right
eye. (AL does so) Now tell me what you see.

aL I don’t see nothing.

ie
 DoE Ey (Seu N Sw EN ESB Ory ss

WILLIE Don’t panic, I can cure you... Take your hands

away. (AL does) Can you see now?

AL Certainly I can see now.

WILLIE You know, I fixed over two thousand people like

that.

AL It’s a miracle.

WILLIE Thank you.

AL A miracle you’re not in jail... What do you charge

for a visit?

wILLiE A dollar.

AL A dollar? That’s very cheap for an examination.

WILLIE It’s not an examination. It’s just a visit. “Hello

and Goodbye” . . . “Hello and How Are You?” is ten
dollars.

AL If you ask me, you’re a quack.

witiie If Twas a duck I would ask you... Now roll up

your sleeve, I wanna take some blood.

AL I can’t do it.

WILLIE Why not?

AL If I see blood, I get sick.

WILLIE Do what I do. Don’t look.

aL I’m sorry. I’m not giving blood. I’m anemic.

74
 ARC@rds leony©

WILLIE What’s anemic?

AL You're a doctor and you don’t know what anemic

means?

WILLIE ‘That’s because I’m a specialist.

AL What do you specialize in?

WILLIE Everything but anemic.

AL Listen, can I continue my examination?

WILLIE You continue yours, and I’ll continue mine. All

right, cross your legs. (He hits av’s knee with a small
hammer) Does it hurt if I hit you with the hammer?

AL Yes.

WILLIE Good. From now on, try not to get hit with a
hammer. (He throws the hammer over his shoulder. He takes
a specimen bottle from the cabinet and returns) You see this
bottle?

AL Yes.

witLtie You know what you’re supposed to do with this

bottle?

AL I think so.

WILLIE You think so or you know so? If you’re not sure,

let me know. The girl doesn’t come in to clean today.

aL What do you want me to do?

wittie I want you to go in this bottle.

iD
 HE TS UNS LINE BlOryYas

AL I haven’t got time. I have to go over your books.

WILLIE The hell you will!

aL If I don’t go over your books, the government will

come in here and go over your books.

wiLLiE Don’t they have a place in Washington?

AL Certainly, but they have to go where the books are.

WILLIE The whole government?

AL No, just the Treasury Department.

wiLLie That’s a relief.

AL I’m glad you’re relieved.

wiLlie I wish you were before you came in here.
(The door opens and the big-chested NURSE steps in)

NuRSE Oh, Doctor. Doctor Klockenmeyer.

WILLIE Yes.

NuRSE Mrs. Kolodny is on the phone. She wants you to

rush right over and deliver her baby.

wituie I’m busy now. Tell her I’ll mail it to her in the
morning.

NuRSE. Yes, Doctor.

(She exits and closes the door)

aL Where did you find a couple of nurses like that?

WILLIE She was standing on Forty-third and Forty-

fourth Street ... Let me see your tongue, please.

76
 AOA Law eO

AL I don’t want to.

(WILLIE squeezes AL’s throat, and his tongue comes out)

WILLIE Open the mouth . . . How long have you had

that white coat on your tongue?

AL Since January. In the spring I put on a gray sports

jacket.

wiLLIE Now hold your tongue with your fingers and

say “‘shish kabob.”

AL (Holds his tongue with his fingers) ‘Thickabob.

WILLIE Again.

AL Thickabob.

wiLLie_ I have bad news for you.

AL What is it?

wittic If you do that in a restaurant, you'll never get

shish kabob.

AL (Stands with his face close to wiLLiE’s) Never mind

that. What about your taxes?
(On the “T,” he spits a little)

WILLIE (Wipes his face) The what?

aL The taxes. It’s time to pay your taxes to the 7rea-

sUry.
(All the “T’s” are quite fluid. wiLLiE wipes bis face and
glares angrily at AL)

wituie I’m warning you, don’t start in with me.

Vi
 THE SUNSHINE BOYS

AL What are you talking about?

wittig You know what I’m talking about. (J/lustrates)

“It’s time to pay the taxes.” You’re speaking with
spitting again.

AL_ I said the right line, didn’t I? If it comes out juicy,

I can’t help that.

WILLIE (Quite angry) It doesn’t come out juicy unless

you squeeze the ““T”s.” I’m warning you, don’t squeeze
them on me.
(VOICE OF TV DIRECTOR 1s heard over the loudspeaker)

VOICE OF TV DIRECTOR ~ Okay, let’s hold it a second. Mr.

Clark, I’m having trouble with the dialogue. I don’t
find those last few lines in the script.

WILLIE (Shouts up) It’s not in the script, it’s in bis mouth.
AL (Talking up into the mike) I said the right line. Look
in the script, you’ll find it there.

WILLIE (Shouting) You'll find the words, you won’t find

the spit. The spit’s his own idea. He’s doing it on
purpose!

AL I don’t spit on purpose. I spit on accident. I’ve always

spitted on accident. It’s not possible to say that line
without spitting a little.

WILLIE (Addressing all his remarks to the unseen director) I

can say it. (He says the line with great delicacy, especially
on the “T’s”) “It’s time to pay your taxes to the Trea-
sury.” (Back to his normal inflection) There wasn’t a spit
in my entire mouth. Why doesn’t he say it like that?

78
 SKE AE AE AVG)

aL What am I, an Englishman? I’m talking the same as

I’ve talked for forty-three years.

VOICE OF TV DIRECTOR Gentlemen, can we argue this

point after the dress rehearsal and go on with the
sketch?

WILLIE I’m not going to stand here and get a shower in

the face. If you want me to go on, either take out the
line or get me an umbrella.

VOICE OF TV DIRECTOR Can we please go on? With all due

respect, gentlemen, we have twelve other scenes to
rehearse and we cannot spend all day on personal
squabbles...

wituie I’ll go on, but I’m moving to a safer spot.

VOICE OF TV DIRECTOR Don’t worry about the moves,

we'll pick you up on camera. Now, let’s skip over this
spot and pick it up on “I hope you don’t have what Mr.
Melnick had.” (wit moves away from aL) All right,
Mr. Clark, whenever you're ready.

wILLit (Waits a minute, then goes back into the doctor charac-
ter) I hope you don’t have what Mr. Melnick had.

AL What did Mr. Melnick have?

WILLir (Points to standing skeleton) Ask him yourself, he’s

standing right there.

AL That’s Mr. Melnick?

wILLiE It could be Mrs. Melnick. Without high heels, I

can’t tell.

13
 THE SUNSHINE BOYS

AL If he’s dead, why do you leave him standing in the

office?
%

WILLIE He’s still got one more appointment with me.

AL (Crosses to him) You know what you are? You’re

a charlatan! (As av says that line, he punctuates each word
by poking witiie in the chest with bis finger. It does
not go unnoticed by witL1e) Do you know what a charla-
tan is?
(More pokes)

witlig It’s a city in North Carolina. And if you're

gonna poke me again like that, you’re gonna end up in
Poughkeepsie.

VOICE OF TV DIRECTOR (Over the loudspeaker) Hold it, hold

it. Where does it say, “You’re going to end up in
Poughkeepsie”?

WILLIE (Furious) Where does it say he can poke me in

the chest? He’s doing it on purpose. He always did it
on purpose, just to get my goat.

AL (Looking up to the mike) I didn’t poke him, I tapped

him. A light little tap, it wouldn’t hurt a baby.

WILLIE Maybe a baby elephant. I knew I was going to

get poked. First comes the spitting, then comes the
poking. I know his routine already.

AL (To the mike) Excuse me. I’m sorry we’re holding

up
the rehearsal, but we have a serious problem on our
hands. The man I’m working with is a lunatic.

80
 AVG Teh Ww O

WILLIE (Almost in a rage) I’m a lunatic, heh? He breaks

my chest and spits in my face and calls me a lunatic!
I’m gonna tell you something now I never told you in
my entire life. | hate your guts.

AL You told it to me on Monday.

wiLtLic Then I’m telling it to you again.

VOICE OF TV DIRECTOR Listen, gentlemen, I really don’t

see any point in going on with this rehearsal.

AL I don’t see any point in going on with this show. This

man is persecuting me. For eleven years he’s been
waiting to get back at me, only I’m not gonna give him
the chance.
(The assistant director, EDDIE, walks out 1n an attempt
to make peace)

wiLur (Half-hysterical) 1 knew it! I knew it! He planned

it! He’s been setting me up for eleven years just to walk
out on me again.

EDDIE (Trying to be gentle) All right, Mr. Clark, let’s

settle down. Why don’t we all go into the dressing
room and talk this out?

av I didn’t want to do it in the first place.

witiie (Apoplectic) Liar! Liar! His daughter begged me

on the phone. She begged me!
(BEN rushes out to restrain WILLIE )

BEN Uncle Willie, please, that’s enough. Come back to

the dressing room.

EppIE Gentlemen, we need the stage. Can we please do

this over on the side?
81
 TH ES sU Nes oH TINGE BsOn yes

AL (To the assistant director) ‘The man is hysterical, you

can see for yourself. He’s been doing this to me all
week long.
(He starts taking off the wig and sutt jacket)

WILLIE Begged me. She begged me. His own daughter

begged me.

BEN Uncle Willie, stop it, please.

AL (To the others) Vm sorry we caused everyone so much

trouble. I should have stayed in New Jersey in the first
place. (On his way out. To the assistant director) He pulled
a knife on me last week. In his own apartment he
pulled a knife on me. A crazy man.
(He 1s gone)

wittie I don’t need you. I never needed you. You were

nothing when I found you, and that’s what you are
today.

BEN Come on, Willie. (Out front) I'm sorry about this,
Mr. Schaefer.

wittie He thinks I can’t get work without him. Maybe

his career is over, but not mine. Maybe he’s finished,
but not me. You hear? not me! NOT M—
(He clutches his chest)

BEN (Turns and sees him stagger) Grab him, quick! (epp1E
rushes to wiLLik, but it’s too late—wiur falls to the floor.
BEN rushes to his side) All right, take it easy, Uncle Wil-
lie, just lie there. (To Eppir) Get a doctor, please hurry.
(A bit actor and the NuRsE rush onstage behind BEN)

WILLIE (Breathing hard) 1 don’t need a doctor. Don’t get

a doctor, I don’t trust them.

82
 JNMOE AD TIE AYECO)

BEN Don’t talk, Willie, you’re all right. (To the NursE)
Somebody get a blanket, please.

WILLIE (Breathing fast) Don’t tell him. Don’t tell him I

fell down. I don’t want to give him the satisfaction.

BEN Ofcourse, I won’t tell him, Willie. There’s nothing

to tell. You’re going to be all right.

WILLIE. Frito-Lays . . . That’s the name of the potato

chip... You see? I remembered . . . | remembered the
name! Frito-Lays.
(BEN 1s holding wiLLiE’s hand as the lights dim. The
curtain falls on the scene. In the dark, we hear the voice
of the ANNOUNCER )

ANNOUNCER The golden age of comedy reached its

zenith during a fabulous and glorious era known as
Vaudeville—Fanny Brice, W. C. Fields, Eddie Cantor,
Ed Wynn, Will Rogers and a host of other greats fill
its Hall of Fame. There are two other names that be-
long on this list, but they can never be listed sepa-
rately. They are more than a team. They are two comic
shining lights that beam as one. For, Lewis without
Clark is like laughter without joy. When these two
greats retired, a comic style disappeared from the
American scene that will never see its likes again
... Here, then, in a sketch taped nearly eleven years
ago on The Ed Sullivan Show, are Lewis and Clark in
their classic scene, ‘““The Doctor Will See You Now.”
(We hear wiiiie’s voice and that of the first PATIENT)

WILLIE Open wider and say “Ahh.”

PATIENT Ahh.

83
 TH SUN
Ss Herne Eee Bs OnyeS

wILLie Wider.

PATIENT Ahh.

wILLtig A little wider.

PATIENT Ahhh!

WILLIE Your throat is all right, but you’re gonna have

some trouble with your stomach.

PATIENT How come?

WILLIE You just swallowed the stick.

84
 SCENE 2

The curtain rises. The scene is w1LLte’s hotel room, two

weeks later. It 1s late afternoon. wiLuiE is in his favorite paja-
mas in bed, propped up on the pillows, his head hanging down,
asleep.
The television 1s droning away—another daytime serial.
A black REGISTERED NURSE in uniform, a sweater draped over
her shoulders, and her glasses on a chain around her neck, 1s
sitting 1n a chair watching the television. She is eating from a
big box of chocolates. Two very large vases offlowers are on the
bureau. WILLIE ’s head bobs a few times; then he opens his eyes.

WILLIE What time is it?

NuRSE (Turns off the TV and glances at her watch) ‘Ten to

one.

WILLIE Ten to one? ... Who are you?

NURSE Don’t give me that. You know who I am.

WILLIE You're the same nurse from yesterday?

NURSE I’m the same nurse from every day for two
weeks now. Don’t play your games with me.

wiILuie I can’t even chew a piece of bread, who’s gonna

play games? ... Why’d you turn off the television?
 THE SSO NS Hol NOE BOs

NuRSE It’s either watching that or watching you sleep

—either one ain’t too interesting.

witiig I’m sorry. Ill try to sleep more entertaining

... What’s today, Tuesday?

NURSE Wednesday.
(She bites into a piece of chocolate)

wILLiE How could this be Wednesday? I went to sleep

on Monday.

NuRSE Haven't we already seen Mike Douglas twice

this week?

WILLIE Once.

NURSE ‘Twice.

WILLIE (Reluctantly) All right, twice .. . I don’t even

remember. I was all right yesterday?

NuRSE We are doing very well.

wittie We are? When did you get sick?

NURSE (Deadly serious, no smile) That’s funny. That is

really funny, Mr. Clark. Soon as I get home tonight
I’m gonna bust out laughing.

wire You keep eating my candy like that, you're

gonna bust out a lot sooner.

NuRSE Well, you can’t eat it and there’s no sense throw-

ing it out. I’m just storing up energy for the winter.

wiLuiE Maybe you'll find time in between the nougat

and the peppermint to take my pulse.

86
 IN MOVGO GE NAY(O)

NuRSE I took it. It’s a little better today.

wiLti—E When did you take my pulse?

NURSE When you were sleeping.

WILLIE Everybody’s pulse is good when they’re sleeping.

You take a pulse when a person is up. Thirty dollars
a day, she takes a sleeping pulse. [Il tell you the truth,
I don’t think you know what you’re doing... and I’m
not a prejudiced person.

NURSE Well, Jam: I don’t like sick people who tell regis-
tered nurses how to do their job. You want your tea
now?

wILLic I don’t want to interrupt your candy.

NuRSE And don’t get fresh with me. You can get fresh
with your nephew, but you can’t get fresh with
me. Maybe be has to take it, but I’m not a blood rela-
tive.

WILLIE ‘That’s for sure.

NuRSE That’s even funnier than the other one. My whole

evening’s gonna be taken up tonight with nothing but
laughing.

witLic I don’t even eat candy. Finish the whole box.

When you're through, I hope you eat the flowers too.

NuRSE You know why I don’t get angry at anything you

say to me?

wiLLig I give up. Why?

87
 THE SUNSHINE BOYS

NURSE Because I have a good sense of humor. I am

known for my good sense of humor. That’s why I can
take anything you say to me. .

wiLLik_ If you nurse as good as your sense of humor, I

won't make it to Thursday . . . Who called?

NURSE No one.

wituie [| thought I heard the phone.

NuRSE (Gets up) No one called. (She crosses and puffs up his
pillow) Did you have a nice nap?
WILLie It was a nap, nothing special ... Don’t puff up
the pillows, please. (He swats her hands away) It takes me
a day and a night to get them the way I like them, and
then you puff them up.
NuRSE Qh, woke up a little grouchy, didn’t we?

WILLIE Stop making yourself a partner all the time. I

woke up grouchy. Don’t make the bed, please. I’m still
sleeping in it. Don’t make a bed with a person in it.

NuRSE Can't stand to have people do things for you, can

your If you just want someone to sit here and watch
you, you’re better off getting a dog, Mr. Clark. Pll
suggest that to your nephew.

wie Am I complaining? I’m only asking for two

things. Don’t take my pulse when I’m sleeping and
don’t make my bed when I’m in it. Do it the other way
around and then we’re in business.

NuRSE It doesn’t bother me to do nothing as long as ’'m

getting paid for it.
(She sits)

88
 ASC eT Taw. 0)

WILLIE (A pause) Tm hungry.

NURSE You want your junket?

WILLIE. Forget it. I’m not hungry. (She reads) Tell me

something, how old is a woman like you?

NURSE That is none of your business.

wILLic [’m not asking for business.

NuRSE I am fifty-four years young.

WILLIE Is that so? ... You’re married?

NuRSE My husband passed away four years ago.

wiLLiIE Oh... You were the nurse?

NuRSE No, I was not the nurse... You could use some
sleep and I could use some quiet.
(She gets up)

wittie You know something? For a fifty-four-year-old

registered widow, you're an attractive woman.
(He tries to pat her. She swings at him)

NurRsE And don’t try that with me!

wiLLiz Who's trying anything?

NuRSE You are. You’re getting fresh in a way I don’t

like.

wittiE What are you worried about? I can’t even put on

my slippers by myself.

Nurse I’m not worried about your slippers. And don’t

play on my sympathy. I don’t have any, and I ain’t
89
 Dope SeUaONeS
He leN Eee Ba Onyas

expecting any coming in, in the near future.

WILLIE Listen, how about a nice alcohol rub?

NURSE I just gave you one.

wILLiE No, I'll give you one.

NuRSE I know you just say things like that to agitate me.
You like to agitate people, don’t you? Well, I am not
an agitatable person.

wILLig You're right. I think I’d be better off with the

dog.

NuRSE How did your poor wife stand a man like you?

wiLLIE Who told you about my poor wife?

Nurse Your poor nephew ... Did you ever think of

getting married again?
(She takes his pulse)

wittie What is this, a proposal?

NuRSE (Laughs) Not from me...I am not thinking of

getting married again . . . Besides, you’re just not my
type.

wittir Why? It’s a question of religion?

NuRSE It’s a question of age. You’d wear me out in no

time.

wittie You think I can’t support you? I’ve got Medi-

care.

NuRSE You never stop, do you?

90
 ACT TWO
wittiE When I stop, I won’t be here.

NuRSE Well, that’s where you’re gonna be unless you

learn to slow up a little.

wiILLIE Slow up? I moved two inches in three weeks,

she tells me slow up.

NuRSE_ I mean, if you’re considering getting well again,

you have to stop worrying about telephone calls and
messages, and especially about when you’re going back
to work.

wiLuie I’m an actor—I have to act. It’s my profession.

NuRSE Your profession right now is being a sick person.

And if you’re gonna act anywhere, it’s gonna be from
a sick bed.

wiILLIE Maybe I can get a job on Marcus Welby.

NURSE You can turn everything I say into a vaudeville

routine if you want, but I’m gonna give you a piece of
advice, Mr. Clark...

WILLIE What?

NURSE The world is full of sick people. And there just

ain’t enough doctors or nurses to go around to take
care of all these sick people. And all the doctors and all
the nurses can do just so much, Mr. Clark. But God,
in His Infinite Wisdom, has said He will help those
who help themselves.

WILLIE (Looks at ber) So? What’s the advice?

NURSE Stop bugging me!

91
 Pw Ess ON Svat
INGE BlORYeS

wittiE All right, Pll stop bugging you... . [don’t even

know what the hell it means.

NURSE That’s better. Now you’re my type again.

(The doorbell rings. The NuRSE crosses to the door)

WILLIE Here comes today’s candy.

(She opens the door. BEN enters with packages)

BEN Hello. How is he?

NuRSE Fine. I think we’re gonna get married.

BEN Hey, Uncle Willie, you look terrific.

witLig You got my Variety?

BEN (Goes over to him, and hands him Variety) I also got
about two hundred get-well telegrams from just about
every star in show business—Lucille Ball, Milton
Berle, Bob Hope, the mayor. It’ take you nine months
just to answer them.

wittie What about a commercial? Did you hear from

Alka-Seltzer?

BEN We have plenty of time to talk about that... Miss

O’Neill, did you have your lunch yet?
NURSE Not yet.
WILLIE She just finished two pounds of appetizers.
BEN Why don’t you go out, take an hour or so? I’ll be
here for a while.
NuRSE Thank you. I could use some fresh air. (Gets ber
coat. To witL1r) Now, when I’m gone, I don’t want you
getting all agitated again, you hear?

o2
 ACT TWO

WILLIE I hear, I hear. Stop bugging me.

NuRSE And don’t get up to go to the bathroom. Use the

you-know-what.

WILLIE (Without looking up from his Variety) And if not,

Pll do it you-know-where.
(The NURSE exits)

BEN (Pulling up a chair next to the bed) Never mind, she’s

a very good nurse.

WILLIE (Looks in the paper) Oh, boy, Bernie Eisenstein

died.

BEN Who?

wiLLige Bernie Eisenstein. Remember the dance team

“Ramona and Rodriguez”? Bernie Eisenstein was Ro-
driguez ... He would have been seventy-eight in Au-
gust.
BEN (Sighs) Uncle Willie, could you put down Vartety
for a second?

WILLIE (Still reading) Did you bring a cigar?

BEN Uncle Willie, you realize you’ve had a heart attack,

don’t you? . . . You’ve been getting away with it for
years—the cigars, the corned beef sandwiches, the ten-
sion, the temper tantrums. You can’t do it any more,
Wiliie. Your heart’s just not going to take it.

wittir This is the good news you rushed up with? For

this we could have skipped a Wednesday.

BEN (A pause) I talked to the doctor this morning... and

I’m going to have to be very frank and honest with
93
 Pee SS sO sNeS
soa ON Eee BOs

you, Willie... You’ve got to retire. I mean give it up.

Show business is out.
%

wILLic Until when?

BEN Until ever! Your blood pressure is abnormally

high, your heart is weak—if you tried to work again
you would kill yourself.

wIiLLig All right, let me think it over.

BEN Think what over? There’s nothing to think over.

You can’t work any more, there’s no decision to be
made. Can’t you understand that?

WILLIE You decide for Ben Silverman, I’ll decide for

Willie Clark.

BEN No, Jl decide for Willie Clark. I am your closest

and only living relative, and I am responsible for your
welfare ... You can’t live here any more, Willie. Not
alone ... And I can’t afford to keep this nurse on
permanently. Right now she’s making more than I am.
Anyway she already gave me her notice. She’s leaving
Monday. She’s going to Buffalo to work for a very
wealthy family.

witLiE Maybe she'll take me. I always did well in

Buffalo.

BEN Come on, Willie, face the facts. We have to do

something, and we have to do it quickly.

wittiz [can’t think about it today. I’m tired, ’m going

to take a nap.
(He closes his eyes and drops his head to the side on the
pillow)

94
 AGT or wo

BEN You want to hear my suggestion?

WILLIE I’m napping. Don’t you see my eyes closed?

BEN I’d like you to move in with me and Helen and the
kids. We have the small spare room in the back, I think
you would be very comfortable .. . Uncle Willie, did
you hear what I said?

WILLIE What’s the second suggestion?

BEN What’s the matter with the first?

WILLIE It’s not as good as the second.

BEN I haven’t made any yet.

witiie It’s still better than the first. Forget it.

BEN Why?

wiLLiE I don’t like your kids. They’re noisy. The little

one hit me in the head with a baseball bat.

BEN And I’ve also seen you talk to them for hours on
end about vaudeville and had the time of your life.
Right?

wii If I stopped talking, they would hit me with the

bat. No offense, but I’m not living with your children.
If you get rid of them, then we'll talk...

BEN I know the reason you won’t come. Because Al

Lewis lives with his family, and you’re just trying to
prove some stupid point about being independent.

wittir What’s the second suggestion?

95
 THE, SONGS oN Ee BaO ays

BEN (A long sigh) All right... Now, don’t jump when

I say this, because it’s not as bad as it sounds.
‘

WILLIE Say it.

BEN There’s the Actors’ Home in New Brunswick—

WILLIE It’s as bad as it sounds.

BEN You're wrong. I drove out there last Sunday and

they showed me around the whole place. I couldn’t
believe how beautiful it was.

WILLIE You went out there? You didn’t have the de-
cency to wait until I turned down living with you first?

BEN I just went out to investigate, that’s all. No com-

mitments.

wittig The Old Actors’ Home: the first booking you

got me in ten years.

BEN It’s ona lake, it’s got twenty-five acres of beautiful

grounds, it’s an old converted mansion with a big
porch...

wILuig I knew it. You got me ona porch in New Jersey.

He put you up to this, didn’t he?

BEN You don’t have to sit on the porch. There’s a mil-

lion activities there. They put on shows every Friday
and Saturday night. I mean, it’s all old actors—what
could be better for you?

wittirE Why New Jersey? I hate New Jersey ... I’m

sorry they ever finished the George Washington
Bridge.

96
 TA KG AE AU AWCO)

BEN I couldn’t get over how many old actors were there
that I knew and remembered. I thought they were all
dead.

WILLIE Some recommendation. A house in the swamps

with forgotten people.

BEN They’re not forgotten. They’re well taken care of

... Uncle Willie, I promise you, if you spend one day
there that you’re not happy, you can come back and
move in with me.

WILLIE That’s my choice—New Jersey or the baseball

bat.
BEN All right, I feel a lot better about everything.

wittieE And what about you?

BEN What do you mean what about me?

WILLIE (A pause; looks away) I won’t see you no more?

BEN Certainly you’ll see me. As often as I can. . . Did

you think I wouldn’t come to visit you, Uncle Willie?

wittit Well, you know... People don’t go out to New

Jersey unless they have to.

BEN Uncle Willie, I'll be there every week. With the

Variety. 11 even bring Helen and the kids.

wittir Don’t bring the kids! Why do you think I’m going
to the home for?

BEN You know, this is the first moment since I’ve

known you, that you’ve treated me like a nephew and
not an agent. It’s like a whole new relationship.
97
 THE SUNSHINE BOYS

wiLliE I hope this one works out better than the other
one.

BEN I’ve been waiting for this for fifteen years. You just
wouldn’t ever let me get close, Uncle Willie.

witue If you kiss me, I call off the whole thing.

BEN No kiss, I promise . . . Now there’s just one other

thing Id like you to do for me.

wittie With my luck it’s a benefit.

BEN Ina way it is a benefit. But not for any organiza-

tion. It’s for another human being.

wittig What are you talking about?

BEN AI Lewis wants to come and see you.

wituir If you wanted to kill me, why didn’t you bring

the cigars?

BEN He’s been heartsick ever since this happened.

wituie What do you think I’ve been? What is this, the

mumps?

BEN You know what I mean... He calls me twice a day

to see how you are. He’s worried to death.

wiLLig Tonight tell him I’m worse.

BEN He’s not well himself, Willie. He’s got diabetes,

hardening of the arteries, his eyes are getting very
bad...

WILLIE He sees good enough to spit in my face.

98
 ATG tl W-O

BEN He’s lost seven pounds since you were in the hospi-
tal. Who do you think’s been sending all the candy and
flowers every day? He keeps signing other people’s
names because he knows otherwise you’d throw them
out.

WILLIE They’re his flowers? Throw ’em out!

BEN Uncle Willie, I’ve never asked you to do a personal

favor for me as long as I’ve known you. But this is
important—for me, and for you, for Al Lewis. He
won't even stay. He just wants to come up and say
hello...

WILLIE Hello, heh?

BEN That’s all.

wituiz And if he pokes me in the chest with the finger,

I’m a dead man. That’s murder, you know.

BEN Come on, Willie. Give us all a break.

wittie Well, if he wants to come up, I won’t stop him.

But I can’t promise a “hello.” I may be taking a nap.

BEN (Starts toward the phone) I knew I could count on

you, Willie. He’s going to be very happy.
(He picks up the phone)

wittie You don’t have to call him from here. Why

should I pay sixty cents for him to come say hello?

BEN (He dials “O”’) It’s not going to cost you sixty cents.
(To the operator) Hello. Would you tell the boy at the
desk to send Mr. Lewis up to Mr. Clark’s room, please?
Thank you.
(He hangs up)
99
 TOH ES) UNIS
HL NEE BLOnYes

WILLIE (As near to shouting as he can get) You mean he’s

here now in the hotel?

BEN He’s been with me all morning. I knew it would be

all right.

WILLIE First you commit me to the Old Man’s Home,

bring that bastard here and then you ask me?

BEN (All smiles) I’m sorry. I apologize. Never speak to

me again... But just promise you’ll be decent to Al
Lewis.

wittie [ll be wonderful to him. In my will, I’ll leave

him you!
(He starts to get out of bed)

BEN What are you doing? You're not supposed to be out

of bed.

wittig You think I’m going to give him the satisfaction

of seeing me laying in bed like a sick person? I’m gonna
sit in my chair and I’m gonna look healthier than he
does.
(He tries weakly to get on his slippers)

BEN The doctor said you’re not to get out of bed for
anything.

WILLIE Lewis coming to apologize to Clark is not any-

thing. To me, this is worth another heart attack. Get
my coat from the closet.

BEN (Starting for the closet) All right, but just walk
slowly, will you, please?
(He opens the closet)

100
 AD Gol Tt WO

wittig And then I want you to move my chair all the

way back. I want that son-of-a-bitch to have a long
walk.

BEN (Takes out a bathrobe from the closet) Here, put this
on.

wittiE Not the bathrobe, the jacket. The blue sports

jacket. This is gonna be a formal apology.

BEN (Puts back the bathrobe and takes out the blue sports jacket)
He’s not coming to apologize. He’s just coming to
say hello.

wituie If he doesn’t apologize, I’ll drop dead in the

chair for spite. And you can tell him that.
(BEN helps him into the blue sports jacket over the paja-
mas)

BEN Now I’m sorry I started in with this.

WILLIE ‘That’s funny. Because now I’m starting to feel

good. (Buttons the jacket) Push the chair back. All the
way.
(BEN picks up the chair and carries it to the far side of
the room)

BEN I thought I was bringing you two together.

wILLir (He shuffles over to the chair. BEN helps him to sit)
Put a pillow underneath. Make it two pillows. When
I sit, I wanna look down on him.
(BEN puts a pillow under WILLIE)

BEN This is the last time. I’m never going to butt into
your lives again.

101
 THHeH. -SeUPNeS
TEL TeNe ROBO
RY eS

wittir The only thing that could have made today bet-
ter is if it was raining. I would love to see him apolo-
gize dripping wet. (And then come three knocks on the door:
“Knock, knock, knock”) Aha! This is it! ... This was
worth getting sick for! Come on, knock again. (Points
his finger in the air, bis crowning moment. av knocks again)
En-terrr !
(BEN crosses to the door and opens it. AL LEWIs timtdly
steps in, with his hat in his hand. wiLue immediately
drops his head to his side, closes bis eyes and snores, feign-
ing a nap)

AL (Whispers) Oh, he’s sleeping. I could come back later.

BEN (Also whispers) No, that’s all right. He must be doz-

ing. Come on in. (AL steps in and BEN closes the door) Can
I take your hat?

AL. No, Id like to hold on to something, if you don’t

mind.
(BEN crosses over to WILLIE, who 1s still dozing. He bends
over and speaks softly in WILLIE’s ear)

BEN Uncle Willie. There’s someone here to see you.

WILLIE (Opens his eyes, stirs) Heh? What?

BEN Look who’s here to see you, Uncle Willie.

WILLIE (Sguints) I don’t have my glasses. Who’s that?

AL It’s me, Willie. Al... Al Lewis.

WILLIE (Squints harder) Al Lewis? You’re so far away

... Walk all the way over here. (Av sheepishly makes the
trek across the room with hat in hand. He squints again) Oh,
that Al Lewis.

102
 EXAGGP AP NAY 1)

aL I don’t want to disturb you, Willie. I know you're

resting.

WILLIE That’s all right. I was just reading my telegrams

from Lucille Ball and Bob Hope.

AL Qh, that’s nice... (Turns, looks at the vase) Oh, look

at the beautiful flowers.

wILuie I’m throwing them out. I don’t like the smell.

People send them to me every day with boxes of cheap
candy. They mean well.

AL (Nods) ‘They certainly do... Well, I just came up to

see how you're doing. I don’t want to take up your
time. I just wanted to say hello . . . So “hello” —and
goodbye.
(He starts to put on his bat to go)

wittie Wait a minute. You got a few minutes before

my next nap. Sit down and talk for a while.

AL You're sure it’s okay?

WILLIE I’m sure you got a lot more to say than just
“hello” ... Would you like some tea?

AL I would love some.

WILLIE Go in the kitchen and make it.

BEN I’ve got a better idea. I'll go down and have the
kitchen send up a tray. If I call room service it'll take
forever.
(He starts for the door)

WILLIE (70 BEN) You’re going? You don’t want to hear

what Al has to say?

103
 tT Hb SEU N SSH tiNG EBT Onyes

BEN [| don’t think it’s necessary. I'll be back in ten min-

utes. (At the door) It’s good to see you, Mr. Lewis
... It’s good to see the both of you.’
(He nods, then exits, closing the door. There 1s an awk-
ward silence between the two men for a moment)

AL (Finally) He’s a nice boy.

WILLIE He’s the best... Not too bright, but a good boy.

AL (Nods) You’ve got everything you need here?

witLiE What could I need here?

AL Some books? Some magazines?

wILLiE No, I got plenty to do. I got all my fan mail to

answer.

AL You get fan mail?

WILLIE Don’t you?

AL I don’t even get jury duty.

WILLIE Sure, plenty of people still remember . . . (He

coughs) Excuse me.

AL You're sure it’s all right for you to talk like this?

wittir I’m not talking. I’m just answering. You’re talk-

ing. (There 1s a long pause) Why? Is there something
special you wanted to talk about?

AL Like what?

wittig What do I know like what? How should I know

what’s on your mind? Do I know why you can’t sleep
at night?

104
 ACL ee DW O)

aL Who said I don’t sleep at night! I sleep beautifully.

WILLIE Funny, to me you look tired. A little troubled.

Like a person who had something on his conscience,
what do I know?
AL I have nothing on my conscience.
WILLIE (A pause) Are you sure you looked good?
aL I have nothing on my conscience. The only thing I
feel badly about is that you got sick.

wittieE Thank you. I accept your apology!

AL What apology? Who apologized? I just said I’m sorry

you got sick.

wILLIE Who do you think made me sick?

aL Who? You did, that’s who! Not me. You yelled and
screamed and carried on like a lunatic until you made
yourself sick . . . and for that I’m sorry.

wiLLic All right, as long as you’re sorry for something.

AL I’m also sorry that people are starving in India, but

I’m not going to apologize. I didn’t do it.

witLtig I didn’t accuse you of India. I’m just saying

you’re responsible for making me sick, and since
you’ve come up here to apologize, I am gentleman
enough to accept it.

aL Don’t be such a gentleman, because there’s nothing

to accept.
WILLIE You’re the one who came up here with your hat
in your hand not me.

105
 THs SSeO ONES Elele Niel abs Ol yas:

aL It’s a twenty-five dollar hat, what was I gonna do,

fold it up in my pocket?
‘

wiLtic If you didn’t come to apologize, why did you

send me the candy and flowers?

AL I sent you candy and flowers?

wiLLice Yes. Because it was on your conscience and

that’s why you couldn’t sleep at night and that’s why
you came up here with you hat in your hand to apolo-
gize, only this time I’m not a gentleman any more and
I don’t accept the apology! How do you like that ?
(AL stares at WILLIE )

AL I knew there was gonna be trouble when you said

“Enter” instead of “Come in.”

WILLIE There’s no trouble. The trouble is over. I got

what I want and now I’m happy.

AL What did you get? You got “no apology” from me,
which you didn’t accept.

WILLIE I don’t want to discuss it any more, I just had a

heart attack.
(AL stares at WILLIE silently)

AL (Calmly) You know something, Willie. I don’t think

we get along too good.

witlig Well, listen, everybody has their ups and downs.

AL In forty-three years, we had maybe one “up”... To

tell you the truth, I can’t take the “downs” any more.

witlig To be honest with you, for the first time I feel

a little tired myself. In a way this heart attack was good
for me. I needed the rest.

106
 AE CSS RW

AL So what are you going to do now?

WILLIE Well, my nephew made me two very good offers

today.

AL Is that right?

witLik [| think I’m gonna take the second one.

AL Are you in any condition to work again?

wile Well, it wouldn’t be too strenuous . . . Mostly

take it easy, maybe do a show on Saturday night, some-
thing like that.

AL Is that so? Where, in New York?

WILLIE No, no. Out of town...

AL Isn’t that wonderful.

WILLIE Well, you know me, I gotta keep busy... What’s

with you?

AL Oh, I’m very happy. My daughter’s having another

baby. They’re gonna need my room, and I don’t want
to be a burden on them... . So we talked it over, and
I decided I’m gonna move to the Actors’ Home in New
Brunswick.

WILLIE (He sinks back onto bis pillow, his bead falls over to one
side, and he sighs deeply) Ohh, God. I got the finger
again.

AL What’s the matter? You all right? Why are you hold-
ing your chest? You got pains?

wittic Not yet. But I’m expecting.

107
 Too Bo SiUONeSs
Bar NG eB ORs

aL (Nervously) Can I get you anything? Should I call the

doctor?

WILLIE It wouldn’t help.

AL It wouldn’t hurt.
(The realization that they slipped accidentally into an
old vaudeville joke causes WILLIE to smile)

wituie “It wouldn’t hurt”... How many times have we

done that joke?

aL It always worked . . . Even from you I just got a

laugh.

WILLIE You’rea funny man, Al... You’rea pain in the

ass, but you’re a funny man.

aL You know what you’re trouble was, Willie? You

always took the jokes too seriously. They were just
jokes. We did comedy on the stage for forty-three
years, I don’t think you enjoyed it once.

wiLLicE If I was there to enjoy it, I would buy a ticket.

AL Well, maybe now you can start enjoying it... If

you’re not too busy, maybe you'll come over one day
to the Actors’ Home and visit me.

WILLIE You can count on it.

AL I feel a lot better now that I’ve talked to you . .

Maybe you'd like to rest now, take a nap.

witur I think so... Keep talking to me, I’ll fall asleep.

AL (Looks around) What’s new in Variety?

WILLIE Bernie Eisenstein died.

108
 ALG T Tf Ww 0

AL Go on. Bernie Eisenstein? The house doctor at the

Palace?

WILLIE That was Sam Hesseltine. Bernie Eisenstein

was “Ramona and Rodriguez.”
AL Jackie Aaronson was Ramona and Rodriguez. Ber-
nie Eisenstein was the house doctor at the Palace. Sam
Hesseltine was Sophie Tucker’s agent.
WILLIE Don’t argue with me, I’m sick.

AL I know. But why should I get sick too? (The curtain

starts to fall. wiLL1E moans) Bernie Eisenstein was the
house doctor when we played for the first time with
Sophie Tucker, and that’s when we met Sam Hessel-
tine... Jackie Aaronson wasn’t Rodriguez yet... He
was “DeMarco and Lopez” . . . Lopez died, and
DeMarco went into real estate, so Jackie became Ro-
driguez.. -
Curtain

Curtain Call

AL Don’t you remember Big John McCafferey? The

Irishman? He owned the Biltmore Theater in Pitts-
burgh? And the Adams Theater in Syracuse? Always
wore a two-pound diamond ring on his finger? He was
the one who used to take out Mary Donatto, the cute
little Italian girl from the Follies. Well, she used to go
with Abe Berkowitz who was then the booker for the
Orpheum circuit and Big John hated his guts because
of the time when Harry Richman . .

109
 ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Since 1960, a Broadway season without a Neit SIMON

comedy or musical has been a rare one. During Broad-
way’s 1966-67 season, Barefoot in the Park, The Odd Cou-
ple, Sweet Charity, and Star-Spangled Girl were all run-
ning simultaneously; in the 1970-71 season, Broadway
theatergoers had their choice of Plaza Suite, Last of the
Red Hot Lovers, and Promises, Promises. Mr. Simon be-
gan his writing career in television and has now dis-
tinguished himself as a playwright by producing ten
successful Broadway comedies in a row. He has also
written for the screen, successfully adapting Barefoot
in the Park and The Odd Couple, and has also written
two original screenplays, The Out-of-Towners, which
starred Jack Lemmon and Sandy Dennis, and The
Heartbreak Kid.
By his own analysis, “Doc” Simon has always
been “that person sitting in the corner who’s observ-
ing it all” for all of his forty-five years, an insight he
explores in his introduction entitled “Portrait of the
Artist as a Schizophrenic” written for the anthology
of his plays published by Random House in 1971. That
volume, The Comedy of Neil Simon, is a tribute to the
brilliance of its author, as are the Tony Award he
received as best playwright of 1965, and his selection
as Cue magazine’s Entertainer of the Year for 1972. His
most recent plays are The Prisoner of Second Avenue and
The Sunshine Boys.
ta

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Since 1960, a Broadway season without a
Neit SIMON comedy or musical has been a rare
one. During Broadway’s 1966-67 season, Bare-
foot in the Park, The Odd Ccuple, Sweet Charity,
and Star-Spangled Girl were all running simul-
taneously; in the 1970-71 season, Broadway
theatergoers had their choice of Plaza Suite, Last
of the Red Hot Lovers, and Promises, Promises.
Mr. Simon began his writing career in television
and has now distinguished himself as a play-
wright by producing ten successful Broadway
comedies in a row. He has also written for the
screen, successfully adapting Barefoot in the
Park and The Odd Couple, and has also written
two original screenplays, The Out-of-Towners,
which starred Jack Lemmon and Sandy Dennis,
and The Heartbreak Kid.
By his own analysis, ‘‘Doc’’ Simon has always
been ‘‘that person sitting in the corner who’s ob-
serving it all’’ for all of his forty-five years, an
insight he explores in his introduction entitled
‘Portrait of the Artist as a Schizophrenic”’ writ-
ten for the anthology of his plays published by
Random House in 1971. That volume, The Com-
edy of Neil Simon, is a tribute to the brilliance of
its author, as are the Tony Award he received as
best playwright of 1965, and his selection as Cue
magazine’s Entertainer of the Year for 1972. His
most recent plays are The Prisoner of Second
Avenue and The Sunshine Boys.

Jacket design: Bob Cuevas

Jacket photo: Martha Swope

Random House, Inc., New York, N.Y. 10022

Publishers of THE RANDOM HOUSE DICTIONARY
OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE: the Unabridged
and College Editions, The Modern Library and
Vintage Books

10/73
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 Random
House Plays j

BUTTERFLIES ARE FREE xa 4

by Leonard Gershe | FC
CHILD'S PLAY ye
| \ Picts —
by as, Sep ae | 8 Jean-Pierre Gredy
ie ane | MAN OF LA MANCHA
&StephenSondneim :sa ho Wasserman, Joe Darin, Mitek Leigh
isEs ee . Fie og po eh Kander, Fred Ebb
& Stephen Sondheim CHARLIE BROWN ;
ieee Aeon — by Clark Gesner
by Brendan ee YOU KNOW I CAN'T HEAR YOU
or le laa WHEN THE WATER’S RUNNING
By te: bias by Robert Anderson
THE CONTRACTOR DON'T DRINK THE WATER
THE CHANGING ROOM ~ by Woody Allen
APPLAUSE
by
Dy Tenehae Wea eae
Betty Comcen, Adolph Green, Horovitz, Leonard Melfi
| Charles Strouse & Lee Ada ms ;
LITTLE MURDERS
AND MISS REARDON : by Jules Feiffer
DRINKS A LITTLE HOUSE OF FLOWERS
by Paul Zindel by Truman Capote
VIVAT! VIVAT REGINA! i _ SWEET EROS, NEXT AND OTHER PLAYS
by Robert Bolt by Terrence McNally
NIGHT WATCH COLLISION COURSE
by Lucille Fletcher Edited by Edward Parone
PLAY It AGAIN, SAM. ENCOUNTERS
by Woody Allen by Leonard Melfi
By Neil Simon FUTZ AND WHAT CAME AFTER
PROMISES, PROMISES by Rocheile Owens
PLAZA SUITE MAME
BAREFOOT IN THE PARK _ by Jerome Lawrence, Robert E.
SWEET CHARITY Lee and Jerry Herman
THE ODD COUPLE THE LION IN WINTER.
THE STAR-SPANGLED GIRL by James Goldman
THE GINGERBREAD LADY THE SUBJECT WAS ROSES
LAST OF THE RED HOT LOVERS by Frank Gilroy
Theatre Books in the Modern Library
SIX PLAYS BY. RODGERS AND HAMMERSTEIN (#200)
SIX PLAYS BY KAUFMAN AND HART (#233)
SIX PLAYS BY HENRIK IBSEN (#305)
NINE PLAYS BY EUGENE O'NEILL (G#55) 3
THE PLAYS OF OSCAR WILDE (#83) BS
FOUR PLAYS BY BERNARD SHAW (#19) =
SIX PLAYS BY LILLIAN HELLMAN (#2323)
NEW VOICES IN THE AMERICAN THEATRE |(#258) E
BEST PLAYS OF ANTON CHEKHOV (#171)
ASO OF Interest

JOHN GIELGUD DIRECTS FIVE PLAYS BY JOHN O'HARA

RICHARD BURTON IN HAMLET FIFTEEN FAMOUS
by Richard L. Sterne EUROPEAN PLAYS
THE BROTHERS SHUBERT MODERN SHORT COMEDIES FROM
by Jerry Stagg BROADWAY AND LONDON
MASTERS OF MODERN DRAMA ed. by Stanley Richards 2