﬊e

Ch e c k l i s t
12 TRAITS OF AN
IDEAL SPOUSE
S H AY K H WA L E E D B A S Y O U N I
 Sometimes the hardest part of searching for a spouse
is knowing exactly what to look for.

Maybe you are in the talking stage already, but have

no idea what to ask.

Or maybe you’re not sure what to look for in the first

place.

How can you go beyond superficial conversation and

get to know exactly what you need?

What are the qualities to look for in your ideal

partner?

This ebook is designed to prepare you for finding your

spouse; it’s a rundown of all the main areas to cover
so you know exactly what to look for in your better
half.

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 ra m e w o r k
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Once you have a clear understanding of the purpose and goals of marriage,
knowing what to look for becomes a whole lot easier.

Here some of the main goals to consider in light of the sunnah:

Having children

The Prophet ‫ ﷺ‬said,

“Marry, for I shall be proud of your large numbers on the Day of Judgment.”
[Ibn Majah]

To leave behind righteous children who will further carry on the message and
beauty of Islam is a wonderful blessing and goal to hope for. If we raise
righteous children it will, in sha Allah, increase the numbers of the ummah of
Muhammad ‫ ﷺ‬and make the prophet ‫ ﷺ‬happy on the day of Judgment.

Physical Pleasure

This is an obvious reason that we should not feel shame about wanting. Through
marriage, you can fulfill your desires in a halal way. It can even be a form of
charity if done with the right intention.

The Prophet ‫ ﷺ‬said:

“ ..... and fulfilling your sexual pleasure with you wife is also a charity.”

His companions asked, “O Messenger of Allah, a person fulfills his sexual desire
and he is rewarded?” He replied, “Were he to fulfill it in an unlawful way
would he not be punished? Similarly, when he fulfills it in the right way he
will have a reward.”

[Muslim]

The fact is, it is unrealistic to be happy with someone you are not attracted to. It
only increases hardship upon you and the person so it is highly recommended to
be attracted to your potential spouse.

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Forming the bedrock of Muslim Society

When a man and woman get married, they bring two families together. Family is
the smallest and most essential building block in any society. When you think
about family, it’s not just the husband and wife; rather it is the whole family with
grandparents, uncles, aunts that come together with a whole other family.
According to some scholars, one of the reasons why the Prophet ‫ ﷺ‬married
many women was to bring tribes together.

Companionship

Maybe the best part in all of this is having an intimate companion. Once you
marry, you no longer have to deal with problems by yourself. To have someone
who is there to understand, comfort and grow with you. They are fully yours and
you are completely theirs.

It is the sunnah of the prophet ‫ﷺ‬

One of the clearest injunctions as to the importance of marriage is the

statement of the prophet ‫ﷺ‬,

“And I marry, and whoever intends a sunnah other than mine

then they are not of me.”

The prophet ‫ ﷺ‬offered a strong rebuke to a group of mine who, in their religious
zeal, wanted to avoid certain permissible things, one of which was marriage.
The prophet ‫ ﷺ‬clearly defined it as a part of his sunnah, and it is something to
be followed.

These are some of the goals to consider when thinking about why you want to
get married.

What follows from there are the main areas to focus on when considering
a potential spouse.

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 e P e r s o n a l
﬊
Che c k l i s t
1. Compatibility
It will vary in some areas and that’s why the first conversation you need to have
is with yourself.

Consider your own likes and dislikes, your interests and ideas, consult with your
family and friends, and as you progress through the talking stage ask yourself:

“Can I really see myself falling in love with this person?”

What are your values when it comes to raising children, with family interactions.
You’re looking for a future parent to your children… so make sure they check all
the boxes!

e P h y s ic a l
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Che c k l i s t
2. Beauty
The souls should feel connected to each other when they see each other;
Chemistry does exist. The definition of beauty from one person to the next
always tends to be different; not everyone has the same tastes.

But the important thing is that both of you can see yourselves falling in love with
one another.

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3. Fertility
This is important in fulfilling the first goal of marriage; starting a family.

A man once came to the Prophet ‫ ﷺ‬and said that he had found a woman of
good lineage and beauty, but she could not have children. Should he marry her?
The Prophet ‫ ﷺ‬said no. Then the man came to him again, and again. Then he
came to him a third time and the Prophet ‫ ﷺ‬said:

“Marry the one who is loving and fertile, for I will be proud of your
great numbers before the nations. ”

[Abu Dawud & Al Nasa'i]

This Hadith indicates that it is not haram but it is not as recommended to marry
someone who you can’t have children with.

4. Virginity
It is recommended to marry a virgin if you are getting married for the first time.

The Messenger of Allah ‫ ﷺ‬once enquired about Jabir (R.A), a young companion
who had just gotten married to an older divorcee. He ‫ ﷺ‬asked:

“Why not a young girl whom you could play with and she could play
with you, and you could laugh with her and she could laugh with you?”
Jabir then told him that his father had died and left behind daughters, and he
wanted to marry a woman who could take care of them and discipline them.
He then asked that Allah bless him for making an intelligent decision.

[Bukhari & Muslim]

This shows that while it is completely permissible to marry a widow/widower or

divorcee, it is recommended for a person to marry someone who is sexually
inexperienced if they are as well, that they enjoy the excitement of growing
together and, as the prophet ‫ ﷺ‬said, “play” together.

5. Wealth
This is another factor people look at when they marry. Marrying strictly for
wealth should not be the priority but if it is one of the things that comes with the
potential partner, it may definitely help avoid hardships.

6. Lineage
As mentioned before, marriage brings together more than two individuals, but
two families. In fact, one of the reasons many people divorce is because of
problems with their families. His side may not like hers or hers may not approve
of his and etc. So, it is important to take into account the lineage of your
potential spouse and make sure you are comfortable with them as
part of your family.

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 e S p i r i t u a l
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Chec k l i s t (
This will be the most important factor in your entire search…but don’t make it the
first thing you look at.

In fact it would be best to make it the last part of your checklist, not to devalue it
but out of good etiquette. You don’t want to reject someone for something other
than their Deen, make faith the decider.

Here’s a rundown of what you should look for:

7. Muslim
8. Of the correct Aqeedah (theology)
- Meaning not a person of bid'ah ( innovation) or those with vastly different
or incorrect beliefs

9. Someone who fulfills the great obligations of Islam

- That includes the 5 pillars
- Their fulfilling their duties to Allah and to the people in their lives
- Of high importance would be to see how good the person is to his
or her parents

10. Someone who avoids the major and minors sins

Al-Hasan bin Ali was asked:

“If I have a daughter whom should I marry her to”. He replied, “Marry her to the
one who has Taqwa (fear) of Allah. If he loves he will honor, and if he
doesn’t like her he will not abuse her.”

11. Look at the impact of religion on their outward

appearance
- Are they modest in their actions in front of strangers?
- Do they exemplify the beauty of Islam?

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12. Look at their friends
A person's companions can be a tell-tale marker of their character. Find out
who their friends are and what their company is like to gain a better
understanding of your potential spouse.
The Prophet ‫ ﷺ‬told us:

“A man follows the religion of his friend; so each one should consider
whom he makes his friend.”

[Abu Dawud]

Now that you know what exactly to look for, the rest is down to you.

What are some of the questions that you’d like to ask your potential spouse?

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