TAKE HEART

The Ways of Love, Free of Fear and Ego

David Richo
 TAKE HEART
The human heart has no circumference.
.

Nothing can hold it back from loving not only

near and dear but far and wide. Such love com-
ing from us and to us gives us a sense of fulfill-
ment on our human journey. In this booklet we
find affirmations and practices that help this
happen. We can go beyond fear and ego to
comfort and joy:
...

. affirmations to free ourselves from

Ÿ Using
the grip of fear
Ÿ .
Seeing the difference between healthy
anger and abuse
Ÿ . ing go of ego-centeredness
Le
Ÿ .
Finding ways to respond to hate or hurt
Ÿ .
Showing integrity and loving-kindness
.
David Richo is a psychotherapist and author.
His website is davericho.com.
.
This book can be ordered online at
hudevbooks.com/takeheart/
.
.

Typese ing and cover design by Dennis Rivers.

 TAKE HEART
T he Ways of Love, Free of Fear and Ego

David Richo
 Copyright 2020 by David Richo

Permission granted to reprint and

distribute as a free document.
 C ON T EN T S

Introduction 11
1. The Wonderful Qualities that Make Us Human 12
2. Affirmations in Stressful Situations ................................... 14
3. Affirmations to Free Ourselves from the Grip of Fear .. 15
4. The Difference between Anger and Abuse ....................... 13
5. Letting Go of Ego-Centeredness .......................................... 16
6. When People Hate Us or Hurt Our Feelings ...................... 19
7. Ways to Show Integrity and Loving-Kindness .................. 22
About the Author .......................................................................... 32
 I say Yes to everything that happens to me today
as an opportunity
to give or receive love and to free myself from fear.
I am thankful for the enduring capacity to love
that has come to me from
the Sacred Heart of the universe.
May everything that happens to me today
open my heart more and more.
May all that I think, say, feel, do,
and am express loving-kindness
toward myself, those close to me, and all beings.
May love be my life purpose, my bliss,
my destiny, my calling,
the richest grace I can receive or give.
And may I always be especially compassionate
toward people who are considered least or last
or who feel alone or lost.

From: The Power Of Grace:

Recognizing Unexpected Gifts on the Path
(Shambhala, 2014)
 Introduction

Our human life is certainly a challenging journey. Though

we hope that our lives will be easy, comfortable, and serene,
they are often filled with complication, conflict, and
disappointment. To set our lives on a positive course, many
spiritual traditions encourage us to live in upright ways,
show loving-kindness toward ourselves and others, and free
ourselves from ego and fear. This book offers practices that
can help us act in all those ways. The practices are not
strategies by which we seek to gain perfection or happiness.
Their purpose is to help us live our lives at the heart level.
This is how we are able to take heart no matter how chaotic
the world becomes or how disappointing people may be to
us.
Our thrilling destiny is to display in our lifetime the timeless
design of love and wholeness that has always been inside us.
When that matters to us most our self-esteem and spirituality
flourish. Choices and attitudes that show integrity and
loving-kindness help that happen. Ultimately, they are the
paths to contentment with ourselves as we are and can be
and with the world as it is and may be.

There will never be only love or only peace

but there can be more love
than before we got here
and more peace
because we stayed here in peace and with love.

1
 1 The Wonderful Qualities that Make Us Human

Every human comes into the world equipped with wonderful

gifts. They form our collective human inheritance, resources
in all of us, qualities that make us truly human:

 Our ability to go on loving no matter how we are

treated by others and no matter what happened to us
in the past
 Our ability to say no to abuse and not to engage in it
ourselves
 Our outrage at and courageous action in the face of
evil
 Our willingness to put ourselves second, even to risk
our life for others
 Our capacity to forgive and let go
 Our grief at the loss of those we love
 Our refusal, at times, to accept defeat no matter what
the odds
 Our acceptance, at times, of defeat when the evidence
demands it
 Our irrepressible playfulness and sense of humor
 Our unflappable hope
 Our longings for love, meaning, freedom, happiness,
and growth no matter how many times we fail to find
them
 Our knack for showing our best when things are at
their worst

2
  Our skill at finding order in chaos and meaning in
disaster
 Our intuition, which reveals more than we logically
know
 Our commitment to act honestly and unselfishly even
when no one is looking
 Our striving for what lies beyond our grasp, our
inclination to stretch ourselves
 Our power to say, do, or be what leads to healing
ourselves and others
 We have it in us to find an opportunity for growth in
all that happens
 Our trust that evil is never the last word, that love is
the strongest force on earth
 Our ability to say yes unconditionally to the
implacable givens of life
 Our kindly understanding of and loving reaching out
to those who do not choose to live in accord with this
list

These ineffaceable graces show us why we never give up on

ourselves or others. They are also the firm basis of our trust
in ourselves, in the human community, and in a higher
power.

From: The Five Things We Cannot Change and the Happiness

We Find by Embracing Them (Shambhala, 2005)

3
 2 Affirmations in Stressful Situations

 As I face things as they are, without self-deception or

wishful thinking, my predicament becomes a path to
sanity and realism.
 I am not trying to change what is not in my hands to
change.
 As I let the chips fall where they may I find ways to
make the best of how they land.
 My Yes to what is and to how I and others are is
unconditional.
 Now I trust that everything that happens to me is
somehow a grace from the Sacred Heart of the
universe, a light that will not go out, something
enfolding me and unfolding in me.
 I trust that I have inner resources to see me through
this.
 By the way I handle this predicament, may I learn to
help others who suffer as I do.
 May all people find the path to healing and hope.

Since everything that happens to us, without exception,

offers us an opportunity for grace, reality itself is holy. So
every time we face reality, rather than deny or oppose it, we
are being deeply spiritual.

From: The Power of Coincidence (Shambhala, 2007)

4
 3 Affirmations to Free Ourselves
from the Grip of Fear

Even a little progress is complete freedom from fear.

–Bhagavad Gita

I trust my appropriate fears to give me signals of real danger.

I see that I also have unreal fears and worries.
More and more I recognize the difference between real and
imagined fears.
I feel compassion toward myself for all the years I have been
afraid.
I forgive those who hypnotized me into unreal fears.
I trust that I have as much fearlessness in me as fear.
I trust the strength that opens in me when I have to face
something.
I believe in myself as able to handle what comes my way
today.
I create a pause between a trigger and my response.
I have the inner resources to handle any fear or trigger.
I find support inside and outside myself.
I have an enormous capacity for re-building, restoring, and
recovering from fear.
I am more and more sure of my abilities.
I am more and more aware of how I hold fear in my body.

5
I relax the part of my body that holds my fear.
I am freeing my body from the grip of fear.
I open my body to joy and serenity.
I let go of the stress and tension that come from fear.
I let go of my fears of sickness, accident, old age, and death.
I let go of my fear of the future.
I let go of regretful ties to the past.
I let go of any tie I may still have to judgments my parents
had of me.
I let go of my fear of the unknown.
I cease being afraid of knowing, having, or showing my
feelings.
I am less and less scared by what happens, by what has
happened, by what will happen.
I let go of my fear of what might happen.
I let go of my obsessive thoughts about how the worst will
happen.
I let go of fear-based thoughts.
I trust myself always to find a solution.
I catch myself when I engage in paranoid fantasies and I let
them go.
My trust in myself is releasing me from fear and fearsome
fantasies.
I let go of regretting my mistakes; I find the path to going on.

6
I let go of basing my decisions on fear.
I let go of finding something to fear in everything.
I let go of believing that everything is dangerous and headed
for disaster.
I see the humor in my exaggerated reactions to unreal
dangers.
I find a humorous response to every irrational fear.
I smile at my scared ego and shrug off its relationship fears:
 I let go of my fear of aloneness or of time on my
hands.
 I let go of my fear of abandonment.
 I let go of my fear of closeness.
 I let go of my fear of commitment.
 I let go of my fear of being vulnerable.
 I let go of my fear of giving or receiving.
 I let go of my fear of loving or being loved.
 I let go of believing I have to measure up to what
others want me to be.
 I give up having to be perfect.
 I let go of my performance fears.
 I let go of my sexual fears.

I am confident in my ability to deal with people or situations

that scare me.
I let go of my fear of any person.
I let go of my fear of saying No to others.
I let go of my fear of saying Yes.

7
I cease being intimidated by others’ anger.
I give up trying to appease those who intimidate me.
Attempts to bully me now fall flat.
I let go of being on the defensive.
I protect myself while always being committed to non-
violence.
I stick to my guns and I hold my fire.
I let go of feeling obliged to do things his/her/their way.
I let go of the need to meet others’ expectations.
I state and protect my personal boundaries.
I let go of my fear of what might happen if people dislike me.
I let go of my terror about disapproval, ridicule, exclusion, or
rejection.
I dare to stop auditioning for people’s approval or love.
I give up the need to correct people’s impressions of me.
I give up my poses, pretenses, and posturings; I dare to be
myself.
I dare to show my hand, to show my passions, to show my
enthusiasms, to show my real feelings, longings, and needs.
I want my every word, feeling, and deed to reveal me as I
truly am.
I give up being afraid of what I want.
I ask for what I want.

8
I love being found out, caught in the act of being my
authentic self.
I dare to live the life that truly reflects my deepest needs and
wishes.
I let go of my fear of spending, saving, sharing money.
I let go of the fear that I will lose, lose money, lose face, lose
freedom, lose friends, lose family members, lose respect, lose
status, lose my job, lose out.
I let go of my fear of having to grieve.
I let go of fears about my adequacy as a parent or child,
partner or friend.
I let go of my fear of the fearsome givens of life:
impermanence, change, suffering, unfairness, failed plans,
losses, and betrayals.
I am flexible enough to accept life as it is.
I am forgiving enough to accept how I have lived my life so
far.
I trust my present predicament as a path.
I let go of control; I let the chips fall where they may.
I let go of more than any fate can take away from me.
I cease being afraid of my own power.
I cease being afraid of the power of others.
I let go of my fear of authority.
I speak truth to power.
I dare to take a stand for the oppressed and the marginalized.

9
I join with the most vulnerable in our society.
I dare to devote my life to co-creating a world of justice,
peace, and love.
As I show courage for social justice, I notice I am letting go
of fear in all areas of my life.
I trust ever-renewing sources of bravery within me.
I let go of having any fear stop or drive me.
Nothing forces me; nothing holds me back.
I am a hero: I live through pain and am transformed by it.
I show grace under pressure.
I stop running; I stop hiding.
I have pluck and wit.
I meet danger face to face.
I stand up to a fight.
I speak up for myself.
I speak up for others.
I let go of hesitation and self-doubt.
I notice primitive dreads in me, for example:
 If I love something I will lose it or have it taken away
from me.
 If something is good it won't last.
 What is bad will get worse.
I recognize these beliefs as superstitions and let go of the
fears that support them.
I take risks and yet I act with responsibility and caring.

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I keep finding alternatives behind the apparent dead-end of
fear.
I let go of scanning my life to find a reason to be afraid.
More and more my fear is becoming healthy excitement.
I let fear go and let joy in.
I let fear go and let love in.
I am grateful for the love that awaits me everywhere.
I know I am deeply loved by many people near and far.
I feel lovingly held by a higher power (God, Universe,
Buddha, etc.).
As I devote myself more and more to a higher power than
myself I feel it alive through, with, and in me.
I believe that I have an important destiny and that I am living
in accord with it.
I am more and more aware of others’ fears, more and more
sensitive to them, more and more compassionate toward
them.
I enlarge my circle of love to include every living being.
I keep finding ways to show my love.
I am great-hearted and bold-spirited.
I let go of ill-will toward those who have hurt me.
I do good to those who hate me, bless those who curse me,
pray or wish enlightenment to those who have mistreated
me.
I can say “Ouch!” and open a dialogue rather than retaliate.

11
I dare to give of myself unconditionally and I dare to be
unconditionally committed to maintaining my own
boundaries.
I honor and evoke my animal powers, my human powers, my
divine powers.
I set free my love, till now imprisoned by fear.
I set free my joy, till now inhibited by fear.
I let true love cast out fear.
May I always choose the path of gentle love, the best antidote
to fear.
I say yes to all that happens to me today as an opportunity to
love more and fear less.
I keep letting go and I keep going on.
I feel an enduring fearlessness awakening in me.
I keep affirming my freedom from fear.
I am thankful for the grace of finding freedom from fear.
May all beings find freedom from fear.

Based on: When Love Meets Fear: How to Become

Defense-less and Resource-full (Paulist Press, 1997)

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 4 The Difference between Anger and Abuse

HEALTHY ANGER ABUSE

(the appropriate feeling) (the dark side of anger)
Is part of an I-Thou Is an I-It relationship
relationship
Expresses a feeling in an Becomes a tantrum in a
authentic way theatrical way
Takes responsibility for Blames the other person
the feeling
Is about a specific Is about a bruised ego
incident
Focuses on the here and Is contaminated by past
now events or “You always…”
Is brief and lets go with a Is held on to as lingering
sense of closure resentment, hate, grudge,
(like a flare) or bitterness (like a
smoldering fire)
May be expressed with a May be expressed with a
red face, excited gestures, red face, menacing
and a raised voice gestures, and a
screaming voice

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HEALTHY ANGER ABUSE
(the appropriate feeling) (the dark side of anger)
Says “Ouch!” assertively Is aggressive and
and respectfully while adversarial, is an attack
seeking a dialogue based on ill-will and with
an intent to harm
Communicates, reports Puts down, bullies, or
an impact dumps on the other
Informs the other, creates Intimidates, threatens,
rapt attention in the and attempts to
other so that we want to overpower the other so
have a dialogue the only safety lies in
leaving the premises
until things cool down
Is nonviolent, in control, Is violent, out of control,
and always shown within derisive, hostile, and
safe limits (manages punitive (loses temper)
temper)
Asks for change Demands change or else
threatens retribution
Maintains good will at all Maintains a mean ill-will
times toward the other

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HEALTHY ANGER ABUSE
(the appropriate feeling) (the dark side of anger)
Asks for accountability Seeks revenge, keeps
and amends to clear holding something
things up so forgiveness against the other
can happen
Shows respect for the Shows contempt toward
other as a peer the other as a target
Aims at a deeper and Wants to vent the rage
more effective bond: no matter who gets hurt:
an angry person moves an abuser moves against
toward the other the other
Coexists with love, Cancels the connection
maintains connection
Is fearless Is fear-based
Is a form of addressing, Is a form of avoiding
processing, and resolving one’s own grief and
an issue with spiritual distress about an issue
consciousness with a refusal to work
things out and thereby to
grow spiritually

From: How to be an Adult (Paulist Press, 1991)

15
 5 Letting Go of Ego-Centeredness
We or anyone might sometimes come across with an
egotistical manner. This includes being arrogant, belligerent,
entitled, controlling—the compulsions of a person driven by
ego.
Here are some challenging practices that can help us let go of
egotism and build a healthy ego, one with self-esteem,
humility, and loving-kindness. The practices may seem over-
the-top in what they ask of us, a radically spiritual way of
living. Fortunately, we can all rely on grace from a higher
power than ego to let that transformation happen in us.

1 Follow the Golden Rule: Act toward others as you

would want them to act toward you.
2 Keep the needs of others in mind, especially in little
ways—an antidote to selfishness.
3 Find ways to maintain healthy self-esteem without
showing off. It’s OK to be a big shot; just don’t act
that way.
4 Let go of ranking, especially of elitism, seeing
yourself as above others.
5 Acknowledge not knowing something or showing
that you need support or help.
6 Take feedback as useful information not as criticism,
even when it is meant that way.
7 Apologize when you know you have harmed or
offended anyone. Make amends if necessary.
8 Let go of attempts to control, dominate, or manipulate
others.

16
9 Give people leeway and make allowances for their
errors rather than pointing out, or picking them up
on, every little thing they do that irks you.
10 Welcome disagreement because it can lead to
dialogue. This puts the emphasis in a discussion on
arriving at common ground or learning a new truth
rather than proving yourself right.
11 Cooperate rather than compete; collaborate rather
than have to show that you know best.
12 In a group, give up having to take center-stage. Trade
in your own ego investment for the good of all
concerned or for the accomplishment of the group
goal.
13 Reconcile yourself to the given that you will not
always get your way.
14 Don’t hold a grudge against those who wrong you
even when they won't admit it—and stop telling the
story of how they offended you. Look for ways to
reconcile rather than retaliate.
15 Remain on high alert for the entry of your reactive
ego: the moment when you take what happened
personally, become indignant, or interpret an action
by someone as a slight to your dignity.
16 When someone’s ego is aroused toward you, do not
dig your heels in or go nose to nose. Simply pause
with compassion toward the pain in his/her ego-
reaction and treat it with loving-kindness, while,
nonetheless, not putting up with any abuse.
17 In intimate bonds, give up vindicating yourself in
order to gratify your ego and instead, let go of your
ego to gratify the relationship. Become the protector

17
 of the partnership rather than the defender of your
own ego.
18 Do good to those who hate you, pray for or wish
enlightenment for those who have betrayed, failed, or
mistreated you.
19 See losing face (and all these suggestions) as welcome
opportunities for growth in humility, a virtue that
makes you more lovable.
20 Discard the Ace (Arrogance-Control-Entitlement) of
Ego for the Ace of Hearts.

Here are three ways of releasing ourselves from ego

posturing:

 We notice our ego poses with a good-natured humor

that finds something touching and amusing in them.
Then we are less likely to keep using them.
 We use our ego-energy as a handy tool when
appropriate, but without arrogance.
 We are thankful for the grace that helps us let go of
ego-centeredness—even if it took the form of a hard-
hitting comeuppance.

From: You Are Not What You Think: The Egoless Path
to Self-Esteem and Generous Love (Shambhala, 2015)

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 6 When People Hate Us or Hurt Our Feelings
A given of life is that people might hate us or hurt our feel-
ings. Here is a summary glance at the three choices available
to us when that happens.

A Primitive A Commitment to An expression of

Reaction from our “Do no harm” from Unconditional Loving-
Reptilian Brain: our Ethical Sense: kindness from our Spiritual
Consciousness:
We hurt or hate back. We do not hurt or hate We do not hurt or hate back. We
back. go one step further and do good
to those who hurt or hate us. This
may simply mean goodwill
toward them while wishing them
the best without further contact.
In all this we hold an intention to
forgive.
We copy the other We act in a new way We show heroic love
person’s behavior
We become aggressive, We act in accord with We act in accord with teachings
actively or passively. We ethical principles and a such as the Sermon on the Mount
retaliate to “right the commitment to or the Buddhist practice of loving-
wrong” (in accord with nonviolence. kindness.
the street-rules
perspective).
Adrenaline/ Oxytocin/heart- Oxytocin/ heart-oneness
testosterone- driven motivated sense of
ego-saving reaction respect for all people

19
 When People Hate Us or Hurt Our Feelings (continued)

A Primitive A Commitment to An expression of

Reaction from our “Do no harm” from Unconditional Loving-
Reptilian Brain: our Ethical Sense: kindness from our Spiritual
Consciousness:

Ego-based, i.e., fear- Humanism- based Love-based

based
“I alone am important!” “You are important too!” “We are deeply linked!”
Win-lose Win-win by two people Win-win by two connected
individuals
This is giving in to our This takes ethical This takes an openness to grace
dark side. consciousness and and a commitment to ongoing
ongoing practice. practice.
We are like the guys in We are like Mr. Rogers We are Christ or Buddha in the
the Godfather movies. or Atticus Finch. world of today.
We hear an avenger’s We hear a mediator’s We hear Michelle Obama: “When
voice: “Do it too.” voice: “Don’t do it!” they go low, we go high.”
We feel glee about the We grow in self- respect We love ourselves and all beings
sweetness of revenge, because we are more, we move toward
gratify our ego, and are remaining true to our enlightenment/
glad we can look good standards of kindness transformation—and we want
in the eyes of our gang. and evolved that for everyone.
consciousness.

Note that the far right column is counter-intuitive. We are

acting from our evolved higher self not from our habit-
impulse ego.
We are awakened by grace in the form of a conversion from
selfishness to selflessness, a surrendering of ego-centered-
ness to love-centeredness.
That surrender is not a loss. It is a heart-opening.

20
It is a response to our inborn impulse toward connection.
That impulse shows that in our deepest identity we are love.
Thus, our loving-kindness toward all beings is truly an
expression of who we really are.

May those whose hell it is

To hate and hurt
Be turned into lovers
Bringing flowers.

-Shantideva: The Way of the Bodhisattva

From: Triggers: How We Can Stop Reacting

and Start Healing (Shambhala, 2020)

21
 7 Ways to Show Integrity and Loving-Kindness
.
Work with one of these practices each week:
1 I am caring for my body by a healthy lifestyle. I am
caring for my mind and spirit by psychological work
on myself when needed and by faithfulness to
spiritual practices too.
2 I do my best to keep my word, honor commitments,
and follow through on the tasks I agree to do.
3 I am making every effort to abide by standards of
rigorous honesty, equity, and respect for diversity in
all my dealings no matter how others act toward me.
4 I forego taking advantage of others because of their
neediness, misfortune, or financial straits, attachment
to or idealizing of me. If I am in a position of power or
authority I do not misuse it. My question is not “What
can I get away with?” but “What is the right thing to
do?”
5 I keep examining my conscience with true candor. I
take searching inventories not only about how I may
have harmed others, but also about how I may not
have activated my potentials or shared my gifts, how I
may still be holding on to prejudices or the need to
retaliate, how I may still not be as loving, inclusive,
and open as I can be.
6 I appreciate positive feedback. I also welcome any
well-intentioned critique that shows me where I
might be less caring, less tolerant, less open than I can
be. When I am shown up as a pretender or confronted
about being mean or inauthentic, I am not defensive
but take it as information about what I have to work
on.

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7 I am letting go of the need to keep up appearances or
to project a false or overly-impressive self-image.
Now I want to appear as I am, without pretense and
no matter how unflattering.
8 I am not trying to ingratiate myself with people in
order to get on their good side. Being loved for who I
am has become more important—and more
interesting—than upholding or advancing the ever-
shaky status of my ego.
9 I may meet or hear of someone who knows more than
I, has more talent, or is more successful. I am letting
go of envy and rivalry. Now I find myself admiring
that person and trying to learn from him or her. I am
accepting the given that we all have different gifts in
different quantities. As I move from the envy that
divides to the admiration that connects I feel a
kinship with all my fellow humans, a joy indeed.
10 As I say yes to the reality of who I am, with pride in
my gifts and unabashed awareness of my limits, I
notice that I can love myself and that I become more
lovable too.
11 I now measure my success by how much steadfast
love I have, not by how much I have in the bank, how
much I achieve in business, how much status I have
attained, or how much power I have over others. The
central—and most exhilarating—focus of my life is to
show my love in the style that is uniquely mine, in
every way I can, here and now, always and
everywhere, no one excluded.
12 I appreciate the ways others love me, no matter how
limited. I am letting go of expecting—or demanding—
that they love me exactly as I want them to. At the
same time, I can always ask for the kind of love I long
for.
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13 I am learning to trust others when the record shows
they can be trusted while I, nonetheless, commit
myself to being trustworthy regardless of what others
may do.
14 I remain open to reconciling with others after conflict.
At the same time, I am learning to release—with love
and without blame—those who show themselves to be
unwilling to relate to me respectfully.
15 I accept, without judgment, the given of sudden
unexplained absence, ghosting, or the silent treatment
by others and will not use those styles myself.
16 I do not allow the judgments or impressions of others
to contaminate my personal relationships. As a
mindfulness practice, I am relating to people in my
life based on my own experience, not on gossip by
others. I ask the same of those close to me: “You are
who you are to me because of how I experience you
and I ask that I be who I am to you because of how
you experience me.”
17 When a family member suddenly cuts off
communication with me, I ask for dialogue so we can
repair the rupture. If the family member refuses I
respect that choice while remaining available for
communication to resume. On my part, I choose not
ostracize family members who have offended me. Nor
do I join other family members in their boycott
against someone. When I meet up with family
rejection, I grieve the situation and stay open to
reconciliation.
18 I am learning to be assertive by asking for what I need
or want. I ask without demand, expectation,
manipulation, or a sense of entitlement. I show
respect for the timing and choices of others by being
able to take no for an answer.
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19 I respect the freedom of others, especially those I love.
I do not want to use any charms of body, word, or
mind to trick or deceive anyone. I want others to have
what they want. I am not trying to manipulate or
intimidate others into doing what I want them to do.
20 I do not knowingly hurt or intend to offend others. I
act kindly toward others not to impress them, win
their approval, or obligate them but because I really
am kind—or working on it. If others fail to thank me
or to return my kindness, that does not have to stop
me from behaving lovingly nonetheless. When I fail
at this—or at any of these commitments—I can admit
it, make amends, and resolve to act differently next
time. Now I can say “Oops!” and apologize more
easily and willingly when necessary.
21 If people occasionally hurt me, I can say “Ouch!” and
ask to open a dialogue. I may ask for amends but I can
drop the topic if they are not forthcoming. No matter
what, I do not choose to get even, hold grudges, keep
a record of wrongs, or hate anyone. “What goes
around comes around” has become “May what goes
around come around in a way that helps everyone
learn and grow.” I am thereby hoping for the
transformation of others rather than retaliation
against them.
22 I am noticing that my capacity to forgive others—and
myself—is expanding all the time. This has graced me
with a sense of joy and liberation.
23 I do not let others abuse me and, internally, I want to
interpret their harshness as coming from their own
pain and as a sadly confused way of letting me know
they need connection but don’t know how to ask for
it in healthy ways. I recognize this with concern not
with censure or scorn.

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24 I do not gloat over the sufferings or defeats of those
who have hurt me. “It serves them right!” has
changed to: “May this serve to help them evolve.”
25 I realize that I, like all humans, have repressed and
disavowed some negative and positive parts of myself.
I am finding ways to uncover this shadow side of
myself: My strong dislike of certain negative traits in
others makes me ask if I have similar traits in myself.
My strong admiration for the positive qualities in
others reminds me to look for the same gifts in
myself.
26 I have a sense of humor but not at the expense of
others. I want to use humor to poke fun at human
foibles, especially my own. I do not tell racist or
biased jokes nor do I listen to them. I do not engage in
ridicule, mocking, put-downs, snide, derogatory,
demeaning, or bigoted remarks, sarcasm or
“comebacks.” When others use hurtful humor toward
me I want to feel the pain in both of us and look for
ways to bring more mutual respect into our
communication.
27 I do not hold anyone in contempt. I do not laugh at
people for their mistakes and misfortunes but look for
ways to be understanding and supportive.
28 I do not try to embarrass people by shaming or
making them look bad in front of other people.
29 No matter how busy or in a hurry I am I choose to act
with patience and attentiveness toward others rather
than to be curt, abrupt, or dismissive.
30 I have come to accept that fear is a given of life, at
least for me. But there is one thing I can commit
myself to: I will not let fear stop me from doing what I
need to do or drive me to do what I don’t want to do.

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31 I am practicing ways to express my anger against
unfairness directly and nonviolently rather than in
abusive, bullying, threatening, blaming, out-of-
control, vengeful, or passive ways.
32 I am less and less concerned with being right or in
insisting on my own point of view in a conversation
or group project. I am now more apt to listen to and
appreciate the contributions of others, while also
sharing my own view in a collaborative dialogue.
33 I notice how there are people who are excluded from
the in-group. Rather than be comforted that I am still
safely an insider, especially by joining in gossiping
about them, I want to sense the pain in being an
outsider. Then I can reach out and include everyone
in my circle of love, compassion, and respect.
34 In a group situation, when someone is shamed,
humiliated, or harshly criticized, I do not want to be
glad that the finger was not pointed at me. I want to
support the victim of aggression by asking for a
respectful tone in the dialogue. I know that standing
up for the victim may turn the bully’s fury on me so I
am continually working on building up my courage.
35 I look at other people and their choices with
intelligent discernment but without judgment or
censure. I still notice the shortcomings of others and
myself, but now I am beginning to see them as facts
to deal with rather than flaws to be criticized or be
ashamed of. Accepting others as they are has become
more important than whether they are what I want
them to be.
36 I avoid criticizing, interfering, or giving advice that is
not specifically asked for. I take care of myself by
staying away from those who use this intrusive

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 approach toward me, while still holding them in my
spiritual circle of loving-kindness.
37 I am willing to participate in the harmless
conventions and social rituals that make others
happy, for example, family dinners or
acknowledgment of birthdays. If a social or family
situation begins to become toxic, I excuse myself
politely.
38 I am less and less competitive in relationships at
home and work and find happiness in cooperation
and community. I shun situations in which my
winning means that others lose in a humiliating way.
39 I never give up on believing that everyone has an
innate goodness and that being loved by me can
contribute to bringing it out.
40 In intimate bonds, I honor equality, keep agreements,
work on problems, and act in loving and trustworthy
ways. My goal is not to use a relationship to gratify
my ego but to dispossess myself of ego to gratify the
relationship.
41 My partner—or prospective partner—and I can
contemplate this list together. These commitments
can become the groundrules of our relationship. With
this as a pre-nuptial agreement we have found the
path to trusting one another.
42 I want my sexual style to adhere to the same
standards of integrity and loving-kindness that apply
in all areas of my life. More and more, my sexuality
expresses love, passion, and joyful playfulness. I also
remain committed to a responsible adult style of
relating and enjoying.
43 Confronted with the suffering in the world, I do not
turn my eyes away, nor do I get stuck in blaming God
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 or humanity but simply ask: “What then shall I do?
What is the opportunity in this for my practice of
loving-kindness?” I keep finding ways to respond
even if they have to be minimal: “It is better to light
one candle than to curse the darkness.”
44 I feel a caring concern for the world around me. I look
for ways to work for justice and commit myself to
nonviolence. I support restorative rather than
retributive justice. I feel myself called to action by
violations of human rights, prejudice, hate crimes,
gun violence, genocide, nuclear armaments, economic
injustice, climate change, ecological exploitation. I am
respectful of diversity and dedicated to equity. I keep
educating myself on all these issues.
45 With planetary consciousness, I tread with care on
the earth with what St. Bonaventure called “a
courtesy toward natural things.”
46 I appreciate that whatever love or wisdom I may have
or show comes not from me but through me. I give
thanks for these encouraging graces and say yes to
the stirring call to live up to them.
47 These ideals are becoming my personal standards. I
trust them as pathways to psychological and spiritual
maturity.
48 I notice that each entry on this list offers me an
empowerment. I feel myself stronger, more self-
assured, more at home in the world, more able to
handle whatever comes my way—and everything
seems lighter too: “Month by month, things are losing
their hardness; even my body now lets the light
through.” (Virginia Woolf: The Waves)

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49 I am not hard on myself when I fail to live up to these
ideals. I just keep practicing earnestly. The sincerity
of my intention and my ongoing efforts feel like the
equivalent of success. I am letting go of perfectionism
and of guilt about not being perfect.
50 I do not think I am above other people because I
honor this list. Nor do I demand that others follow it.
51 I am sharing this list with those who are open to it.
52 I keep placing the intention—or praying—that
someday these commitments can become the style
not only of individuals but of groups in the world
community: corporate, political, religious.

May I show all the love I have

In any way I can
Today and all the time,
To everyone—including me—
Since love is what we really are
And what we’re here to show.
Now nothing matters to me more
Or gives me greater joy.
May all our world become
One Sacred Heart of love.

Based on: Coming Home to Who You Are

(Shambhala, 2011)

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 Something,
We know not what,
Is always and everywhere
lovingly at work,
we know not how,
to make the world more than it is now
to make us more than we are yet.
That Something is what we call:
a Higher Power,
the life force of the universe,
our own true nature.
All are one single reality,
a sacred heart of love.

From: How to be an Adult in Love:

Letting Love in Safely and Showing it Recklessly
(Shambhala, 2013)

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 About the Author

David Richo, PhD, MFT, is a psychotherapist and workshop

leader who lives in Santa Barbara and San Francisco,
California. He combines Jungian, Buddhist, and mythic
perspectives in his work. Dave offers a wide variety of free
spiritual self-help resources on his website, davericho.com.
He is the author of the following books:

How to Be an Adult: A Handbook on Psychological and

Spiritual Integration (Paulist Press, 1991) ~~ Happy, mature
people have somehow picked up the knack of being generous
with their sympathies while still taking care of themselves.
We can all evolve from the neurotic ego through a healthy
ego to the spiritual Self. We can deal with fear, anger, and
guilt. We can be assertive, have boundaries, and build
intimacy.

When Love Meets Fear: How to Become Defense-less and

Resource-full (Paulist Press, 1997) ~~ Our lively energy is
inhibited by fear and we are so often needlessly on the
defensive. We consider the origins and healings of our fears
of closeness, commitment, aloneness, assertiveness, and
panic attacks. We can free ourselves from the grip of fear so
that it no longer stops or drives us.

Shadow Dance: Liberating the Power and Creativity of Your

Dark Side (Shambhala Publications, 1999) ~~ The shadow is
all that we abhor about ourselves as well as all the dazzling
potential that we doubt or deny we have. We project these
onto others as dislike or admiration. We can acknow-ledge
our limitations and our gifts. Then both our light and dark
sides become sources of creativity and grant us access to our
untapped inner wealth.

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How to Be an Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful
Loving (Shambhala Publications, 2002) ~~ Love is not so much
a feeling as a way of being present. Love is presence with
these five As: unconditional attention, acceptance,
appreciation, affection, and allowing others to be as they are.
Love is presence without the five conditioned overlays of
ego: judgment, fear, control, attachment, and illusion.
The Five Things We Cannot Change and the Happiness We Find
by Embracing Them (Shambhala Publications, 2005) ~~ There
are unavoidable “givens” in life and relation-ships. By our
unconditional yes to these conditions of existence we learn to
open, accept, even embrace our predicaments without trying
to control the outcomes. We begin to trust what happens as
gifts of grace that help us grow in character, depth, and
compassion.
The Power of Coincidence: How Life Shows Us What We Need
to Know (Shambhala Publications, 2007) ~~ There are
meaningful coincidences of events, dreams, or relationships
that happen to us beyond our control. These synchronicities
influence the course of our life in mysterious ways. They
often reveal assisting forces that are pointing us to our
unguessed, unexpected, and unimagined destiny.

The Sacred Heart of the World: Restoring Mystical Devotion to

Our Spiritual Life (Paulist Press, 2007) ~~ We explore the
symbolism of the heart in world religious traditions, and then
trace the historical thread of Christian devotion to the Sacred
Heart of Jesus into modern times. We focus on the
philosophy and theology of Teilhard de Chardin and Karl
Rahner to design a new sense of what devotion can be.
Making Love Last: How to Sustain Intimacy and Nurture
Connection (set of 3 CDs; Shambhala Publications, 2008) ~~
Recording from a lively workshop given by David Richo at
Spirit Rock Buddhist Retreat Center in California on
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relationship issues. Topics include how love can endure, fears
of intimacy and commitment, trust and fidelity, resolving our
conflicts, the phases of a relationship, and how our early life
affects our adult relationships.
When the Past Is Present: Healing the Emotional Wounds That
Sabotage Our Relationships (Shambhala Publications, 2008) ~~
Transference is a tendency to see our parents or other
significant characters in our life story in others. In this book,
we explore how our past impacts our present relation-ships.
We find ways to make transference a valuable opportu-nity
to learn about ourselves, deepen our relationships, and heal
our ancient wounds.
Wisdom’s Way: Quotations for Contemplation (Human
Development Books, 2008) ~~ This a collection of quotations
by many wise teachers. The quotations are divided into three
categories: building psychological health, cultivating a
mature spirituality, and opening ourselves to mystical
oneness with the universe. Soon we realize that the wisdom
of all the teachers in this book are and have always been
within us too. We are contemplating our own rich potentials.
Being True to Life: Poetic Paths to Personal Growth (Shambhala
Publications, 2009) ~~ Poetry may have seemed daunting in
school but here is a chance for it to become quite
wonderfully personal and spiritually enriching. This book
offers an opportunity to use our hearts and pens to release
the full range of our imagination to discover ourselves
through reading and writing poetry.

Daring to Trust: Opening Ourselves to Real Love and Intimacy

(Shambhala Publications, 2010) ~~ We learn how to build
trust, how to recognize a trustworthy person, how to work
with our fears around trusting, and how to rebuild trust after
a breach or infidelity. We find ways to trust others, to trust

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ourselves, to trust reality and the events that happen to us,
and to trust a higher power than ourselves.
How to Be an Adult in Faith and Spirituality (Paulist Press,
2011) ~~ We explore and compare religion and spirit-uality
with an emphasis on how they can both become rich
resources for personal growth. We increase our
understanding of God, faith, and life’s plaguing questions in
the light of mysticism, depth psychology, and our new
appreciation of evolutionary cosmology.
How to Be an Adult in Faith and Spirituality (set of 4 CDs;
Paulist Press, 2012) ~~ Recording from a workshop given at
Spirit Rock Buddhist Retreat Center in California on how to
design and practice an adult spirituality. We also look at how
to find the spiritual riches in religion while letting go of the
elements of religion that are not in keeping with our adult
evolution.
Coming Home to Who You Are: Discovering Your Natural
Capacity for Love, Integrity, and Compassion (Shambhala
Publications, 2011) ~~ This book offers practices that can
usher us into a new way of being alive—as cheerful agents of
the goodness that is in us all. Our choices for integrity and
loving-kindness reflect that goodness and help us co-create a
world of justice, peace, and love. This is an owners’ guide to
being an upright and loving human.
Embracing the Shadow: Discovering the Hidden Riches in Our
Relationships (set of 4 CDs Shambhala Publications, 2013) ~~
This recording of a live presentation addresses working with
our unskillful tendencies in our relationships so that we can
tame them and grow because of them. We notice our
projections onto one another. We find the gifts we might not
yet have dared to recognize or show. We learn how working
with the dark rather than in it lets the light of intimacy
through.

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How to Be an Adult in Relationships (audiobook, read by the
author; Shambhala Publications, 2013)
How to Be an Adult in Love: Letting Love in Safely and
Showing It Recklessly (Shambhala Publications, 2013) ~~ Love
is what we were born to show and receive. Yet, we
sometimes fear giving or receiving it. This book helps us
learn to love ourselves, partners, others, and the human
family while finding ways to let go of fear, ego-centeredness,
and the will to revenge. Everyone can practice loving-
kindness in ways that make love unconditional, universal,
and joyful too.
The Power of Grace: Recognizing Unexpected Gifts on the Path
(Shambhala Publications, 2014) ~~ Personal growth involves
more than applying ourselves to self-help or spiritual
practices. Somewhere in the episodes and milestones of our
lives something positive or life-changing happened,
something beneficial, that was beyond our effort, plan, or
expectation. That special assistance—unmerited, unearned,
unplanned, often unnoticed—is called grace, the amazing gift
dimension of life.
When Catholic Means Cosmic: Opening to a Big-Minded, Big-
Hearted Faith (Paulist Press, 2015) ~~ When the Catholic faith
has cosmic dimensions, we and our religion expand: We
update our beliefs in accord with the best advances in
psychology and science. We maintain and appreciate the
riches of our religion while being contem-porary too. People
of all traditions will find this book helpful in the way it
explores how religion and spirituality can be integrated.
You Are Not What You Think: The Egoless Path to Self-Esteem
and Generous Love (Shambhala Publications, 2015) ~~ We can
look at the “big ego” in ourselves and others not with disdain
but with compassion. We can tame our own ego so that it
becomes healthy and ready for relationships, both in

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partnering and at home and work. We find practices that
help us let go of ego-centeredness and move toward self-
esteem and spiritual progress.
When Mary Becomes Cosmic: A Jungian and Mystical Path to
the Divine Feminine (Paulist Press, 2016) ~~ Our vision of
Mary can become cosmic in scope. The Jungian archetype of
the divine feminine as personified by Mary is built into the
design of every human psyche. Her ancient titles reflect the
marvelous qualities of our own essential Self and Mother
Earth. Every religious truth and image is a metaphor for who
we and the world are.
The Five Longings: What We’ve Always Wanted and Already
Have (Shambhala Publications, 2017) ~~ There are five
longings deep within us: to love and be loved, to find
meaning in life and to have a meaningful life, to be free to be
ourselves fully without restraint or inhibition, to find true
happiness and serenity, and to keep growing psychologically
and spiritually. We explore each of these to find out who we
really are.
Everything Ablaze: Meditating on the Mystical Vision of
Teilhard de Chardin (Paulist Press, 2017) ~~ Contemporary
interest in Teilhard de Chardin’s work manifests the evolu-
tionary mysticism he taught and forecast, and which we can
apply to our daily life. This is conscious evolution, a presence
in the world as members of Christ’s body. Then we co-create
the future of justice, peace, and love that Christ came to
proclaim.
Five True Things: A Little Guide to Embracing Life’s Big
Challenges (Shambhala Publications, 2019) ~~ A revised and
shorter version of The Five Things We Cannot Change and the
Happiness We Find by Embracing Them
Triggers: How We Can Stop Reacting and Start Healing
(Shambhala, 2020) ~~ Our goal is not to root out all our
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triggers but to find a trailhead from them into the psycho-
logical and spiritual work they point to. This is how we turn
our triggers into tools. With help from neuro-science,
spiritual practices, especially ones from Buddhism such as
mindfulness and loving-kindness, triggers lead us to
resources both around and in us.

Wholeness and Holiness: How to be Sane, Spiritual, and Saintly

(Orbis, 2020) ~~ From a psychological perspective sanity, that
is, soundness and balance, is what we need to survive and
thrive in the world. From a wholeness perspective, we feel
ourselves drawn to a spiritual conscious-ness, something
more than individual surviving and thriving. From a faith
perspective, we believe that sanctity is our divinely imprinted
calling and destiny.

For more information please visit

davericho.com

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