It is a common myth that carrying children makes them dependent upon us.

On the
contrary, studies show that babies who are carried for longer by their mother or a loving
caretaker are more independent and confident when they grow up.

BASIC PARENTING FACTS

Our children come through us but do not belong to us. A child is not a status
symbol or a trophy.
Each child is different because s/he may carry different predispositions or
samskaras from past lives. Each one is unique and has own talents, skills and
qualities. No two children are alike. Every child cannot be an all-rounder.
Being older does not make parents more important than their children. Children
are your equal in all respects and deserve to be treated as such.
The belief ‘I know what is best for you’ is fine when the child is young but not
when they grow older. Parenting changes with the changing needs of children.
Some things are mistakes only from the parents’ perspective. Those mistakes
may be just the right lessons for the child.
Children and parents learn together and from each other.
There is no such thing as a ‘perfect parent’ or a ‘perfect child’.

BASIC PARENTING RULES

Avoid using silly words or childish sounds while speaking with your children.
Avoid talking down to them.
Love them unconditionally, look after their needs, prevent them from getting
into dangerous situations, and tell them about some basic dos and don’ts.
Allow them to just ‘be’ by giving them adequate space, while giving your full
attention to them.
Sometimes get out of your role as parents and connect with them on the level of
‘being’.
Avoid comparing a child with a sibling, classmate, or any other person.
Unfavourable comparison creates a big blow to a child’s self-esteem.
Comparisons can create superiority or inferiority complexes.
Respect and acknowledge a child’s personality.
Avoid pressurizing the child to learn a talent or score top position in class.
Help them explore their own talents. Focus on the talents they have, not on
what they don’t have.
Avoid measuring your success on your child’s accomplishments.
Avoid the tendency to provide children with more than they really need.
Avoid being overprotective and interfering in their need to explore the world
and to try new things for themselves. Avoid controlling and overbearing
tactics.
Stop playing the traditional role of a parent once the need for all the basic
parental functions has passed.
Let go of the need to be needed by them.
Allow them to face their own challenges; this can help them be better equipped
to evolve as good human beings.
 Chapter 4
PREVALENT MODELS OF PARENTING

We love our role as parents but can sometimes wonder if we are on the right track with
our chosen style of parenting. Are we doing what should be done? Why is my child
becoming disobedient? Why does she seek attention all the time? Why is he so
unreasonable? Where are we going wrong?
There are no readymade answers to these thought-provoking questions. The fact is
that we all are amateur parents learning on the job and using instinctive parenting skills.
We are guided by our well-meaning parents, relatives, friends, and neighbours. We
learn from their collective wisdom. We also consult various books and websites on
parenting. And despite all the available help, we can still go wrong.
Parenting is an ever-evolving process. As the collective planetary consciousness
evolves, the parenting trends try hard to keep pace with this evolution. Through the
ages, various parenting styles have developed depending upon the needs of each
successive generation.
However, since parenting styles remain as individual as the child being raised, there
is a space for great variety and scope in parenting. Each child, each parent, and each
household is unique in its character and temperament; so there are as many parenting
styles as there are people. Yet, a few common parenting patterns can be clubbed
together to create a few distinct styles. Some of these are:

Authoritarian style
This style focuses on the child’s behaviour and emphasizes the value of discipline and
control as a predominant approach to parenting. There is a high degree of expectation of
compliance to parental diktats and conformity to the rules of the house. It places
developmentally unrealistic expectations upon children, pre-supposing that children can
be behaviourally re-structured, and yet remain happy.
In authoritarian style, decision-making remains strictly the domain of the parents,
without any inputs from children. Here the feelings and emotional states of individuals
are not taken into any account. Children live in a constant state of fear.
In the present consciousness, children reared in authoritarian style become under
confident, subservient, and socially withdrawn. They fail to respect and express their
feelings openly. When these children grow older, they usually resort to open defiance of
their parents – leaving home, taking drugs, drinking, or smoking. As adults they become
estranged from their parents, marrying someone they know their parents won’t approve
of; or indulge in self-destructive behaviours just to spite their parents. This style of
parenting creates power struggles between parents and children.
This style of parenting is followed by many even today, but is gradually becoming
outdated.

Indulgent style
Children brought up under authoritarian style usually swing the other way into
permissive parenting, as a compensatory reaction. Of late, this style has become the
most prevalent parenting style in our urban set-ups where family units have either one or
two children. Parents following this style are known as permissive, indulgent, or non-
directive parents. These parents go easy on their children. They allow much freedom to
them; as a result children act, speak, or do as they please.
Indulgent parents desperately want their children to like them. Hence, they refrain
from rules, stable routines, structures, or boundaries. They end up doing everything their
child asks them to do. Permissive parents are not careless, uncaring, or neglectful; it is
just that they hand over the controls to their children. This parenting style is completely
child-centric.
Children brought up in such families tend to become irresponsible, demanding,
manipulative, and controlling. They find it difficult to handle disappointments and
setbacks in life. Such children start taking advantage of their parents. When they don’t
get their way, they pout, scream, yell, whine, and become aggressive until the parents
give in.
Unfortunately, when these children grow up they fail to contribute to keeping the
family together because they don’t learn how to give in a relationship.

See-saw style
In this style, parents oscillate between permissive and authoritarian styles. They usually
follow indulgent ways but give vent to their frustrations when children fail to act
responsibly. This results in them bursting out and switching to authoritarian ways. The
child usually complies under threat, but soon the permissive style becomes the norm and
things get back to normal until another crisis happens and they can’t stand it anymore.
This dilly-dallying style sends mixed signals to children. They don’t know what to
expect from life. Parents, too, feel guilty about their outbursts and over-compensate with
material things. Children in such homes feel confused and usually remain confused in
life.

Neglectful style
Neglectful parents think that their job is only to provide food, shelter, and basic needs to
their wards. They do not show any emotional involvement in their children. They don’t
ask the usual questions about the child’s day, friends, teachers, school, or college. Such
children become estranged from parents when they grow up. Even though they grow up
with certain independence, they are usually very resentful of their neglectful upbringing.

Aristocratic style
In the upper ranks of the society domestic help rears babies because the parents are too
busy meeting the demands of a high-powered life. These children grow up conscious
that they are somehow superior to the adults around them; hence, they remain distant
from their caregivers. They cannot relax in the love and nurturing of their caregivers and
can’t completely trust them, so they tend to mature much earlier in life, subconsciously
knowing that the care given to them is motivated by money and not love. Some find
themselves in an awkward position between their loyalty to their parents and to the
caregivers. They learn early to rely only upon themselves.

Instructional style
In this style, parents give out a lot of dos and don’ts. They explain all the rules of
behaviour as one would teach traffic rules – without any explanations, viable
alternatives, or encouragement. Children in such families grow up confused and don’t
end up learning the moral or social implications of their actions.

Weeding style
Parents following this style believe that they must weed out all the so-called negative
traits in their children. Children in such families face harsh critical judgment and
evaluating statements such as, ‘Why can’t you be more like so-and-so? What is the
matter with you? You are so useless it makes me mad. If you do this only then you are a
good boy.’
In the process, children grow up hating/disliking certain aspects of themselves. They
also look for perfection in others and often feel disappointed. They never feel good
enough.