Stick and carrot style

This parenting style is a complete logic-based approach. If children behave well, they
receive a reward or praise. On the other hand, bad behaviour is punished or
reprimanded. The problem comes when a certain type of behaviour is identified with
the child’s being. In that case the child develops a deep shame and feels guilty for all
the wrongdoings. Such children start believing that they ‘deserve’ to be punished for
every small mistake. If there is no one to punish them, they punish themselves.

Democratic style
In the democratic style of parenting, parents treat their children like adults by offering
them ample choices and letting them make their own decisions and see the subsequent
results. There is a high level of expectation from a child’s behaviour, but parents are
willing to talk about these expectations. It is adoptive, flexible, warm, responsive and a
form of authoritative parenting. It builds up resilience and develops open, participative
communication between parents and children.
Democratic parents teach their children about cause and effect. They lay great stress
upon self-sufficiency. They create some structures but also show flexibility. Parents take
major family decisions with inputs from children, while children are also given some
decision-making powers. Discipline is used only where necessary but in creative ways,
suited to a child’s age, misbehaviour, abilities, and temperament.
Children grown in such homes have high self-esteem. They are usually happy,
generous, successful, responsible, and psychologically well-adjusted beings. They feel
that they have control over certain things in their life. They manage stress well. Parental
warmth, lack of conflict, control, and monitoring affect their social skills in a positive
way. The quality of parent-child relationship remains very high, which affects adult
social and behavioural outcomes.
This is a balanced approach but not very suited for shy, withdrawn, or aggressive
children.

Fear-based parenting
Unfortunately, most parents resort to shouting, scolding, physical violence, and other
forms of intimidation to counter what they perceive as misbehaviour in their children.
Even the soft approach, which relies on placating, is not really love based. It is based
on the fear that if children are not permitted to do what they want, they will rebel.
Therefore, to avoid confrontation parents become overly permissive.
Whatever we fear we manifest. Fear-based parenting eventually leads to rebellion.
We find an increase in cases where children consciously or subconsciously reject their
parents. What is alarming is that this rejection starts at the pre-teen or even younger
stages when they are not psychologically equipped to become independent.

Combination style
Usually parents follow various combinations and permutations of the above-mentioned
styles depending upon their values, beliefs, ideals, family dynamics, and most
importantly the individual child. As long as there is a loving bond between parents and
children all these styles in moderation and combination work well.
There is not a single correct way of parenting. However, the need of the hour is a
love-based approach which includes positive discipline with calm, assertive, and
accommodative parenting.
In our quest for being ideal parents and making our children the ideal kids, we forget
that each child is an individual and each household has different dynamics. Our
parenting style needs to take all this into account which may seem like a Herculean task!
Added to job and home responsibilities, it seems practically un-doable. But it need not
be so.
 Chapter 5
CONSCIOUS PARENTING

Today’s children are growing up in very different times than their parents did. On one
hand, news of war, terrorism, natural calamities, violence, mindless consumerism, and
sexuality is beamed right into our living rooms 24/7. On the other hand, there is a rise in
spirituality, the power of human mind and spirit, co-creation, and creative visualization.
Popular news channels make us believe in inhumanity, injustice, and inequality, numbing
our emotional potential and creating a universal identity crisis. Alternative sources talk
about tapping into the creative energy and universal values. They postulate optimum
growth and development with respect, confidence and purpose, and recommend
exploration of virtues to go beyond intolerance and inequity.
These two opposing worldviews create confusion among children and parents alike,
necessitating an urgent need to look anew at what is really important in life.

New challenges
A twenty-first century child is a prodigy, far ahead of their parents. This difference is
embedded in each successive generation and is dismissively called the generation gap.
This happens because our ego doesn’t let us admit that each new generation is superior
to the previous one. Just like our new generation’s sleek electronic gadgets are superior
to the older ones, our children are way ahead of us in knowledge, ability, and
aspiration. This is in resonance with the law of nature, which addresses the needs of the
changing times and brings about necessary changes in the universe.
The fact is that the children of the new age are genetically more advanced than us.
They seek our guidance but also look for sense and reason in the advice we dole out.
Their minds are analytical and more attuned to their attitudes, aptitudes, likes, and
aspirations. This change necessitates New Age parenting to be more accommodative
than assertive.

New advantages
This new millennium places us in a unique and blessed situation where we are, by and
large, free to raise our children the way we deem fit. Unlike our parents, we don’t have
to endure pressure from extended families, grandparents, cultures, and/or traditions.
We now understand that everything starting from the environment at home, to the way
an infant is held and fed, all have a profound impact upon them. We know that things
which seem subtle or insignificant in the early stages of childhood have lifelong
consequences. This knowledge puts us at an advantage, making us willing to take a
relook at the way we parent our children.

Shifting paradigms
We are at a crucial point in the history of our planet, where the future of the human race
depends upon our children’s ability to be peacemakers; and it is our responsibility to
raise capable human beings. Such parenting takes time and emotional energy.
In recent times there has been a quantum leap in the material and spiritual
consciousness on earth. This changing time is the time for the change of guard. The time
to let go. It is time to trust that our children will not mess up or destroy what we have
worked so hard to create. It is time to let them step into their power by letting go of the
controls we hold so tightly.

CONSCIOUS PARENTING
Conscious parenting is the New Age parenting process where the control is mutually
shared between parents and children in an age-appropriate and temperamentally-
conscious manner. It is based upon mutual cooperation and interdependence, where
responsibility for problem solving is shared between both – the parents and the
children. Here the accent is on compassion, love, and understanding.
This type of parenting is positive parenting which teaches how to raise healthy
children by being healthy parents. It builds on the understanding that children learn from
their parents from the very beginning of life. It attempts to align our ‘intention’ for
parenting with our parenting skills, resources, and actions. It does not advocate an
absence of discipline, but encourages absence of all kinds of violations in the parent-
child relationship. It considers punishments, aggression, shaming, verbal or emotional
abuse, and manipulation as forms of violations of personal boundaries.
Conscious parents use creative discipline to teach responsible ways of thinking and
acting. They make children participate in setting the rules they agree to follow. They
encourage children to freely express their opinion and respectfully listen to them. They
allow children to feel, imagine, and stay in tune with the emerging consciousness. They
know that their parenting ways are largely dependent upon their own internal beliefs
around parenting; hence, they work upon and resolve their own issues in order to help
their children develop confidence, grace, and agility. They do not exert undue pressure
or influence upon their children and help them mature as responsible people, fully
aware of their potential, limitations, and capabilities. They imbibe the right philosophy
for living and teach their children through personal example. They explore their own
core values and glimpse the higher self within. They walk their talk because they are
aware that their behaviour is more important than their words.
A conscious approach to parenting is all about observing our children, observing
ourselves, asking relevant questions at each step, challenging our thoughts, beliefs,
patterns, choices, behaviours, and attitudes and applying the resultant changes to not just
the everyday care of our children, but also in all aspects of our life.

Tenets of conscious parenting

Compassionate perception and observation of own thoughts and also those of
the child.
Mutual truthful sharing of inward states.
Complete involvement in parenting.
Being conscious of one’s own behaviour and the deep-seated beliefs behind it.
Sharp physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual faculties.
Critical awareness of own needs and those of the children.
Deep concern and interest in the family’s welfare.

Connecting with the child within

In order to become a conscious parent, it is very important to connect with your own
child within.
The child within represents the creative, spontaneous, and playful aspects of
ourselves; it has all the qualities that a child has. In fact, this is the place from which we
can connect best with our children.

Laws of conscious parenting

1. Law of unconditional love

The law of unconditional love states that children are to be guided lovingly, with
age-appropriate limits to keep them safe. Parents are to become the children’s
‘emotional coach’, teaching them appropriate ways to channel their feelings. The
power of love helps raise calmer, happier, and more secure kids.

2. Law of trust