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SECOND EDITION
Changing
Course
Changing
Course Healing
from Loss,
Abandonment,
and Fear
Second Edition
HAZELDEN
®
Hazelden
Center City, Minnesota 55012-0176
1-800-328-0094
1-651-213-4590 (Fax)
www.hazelden.org
ISBN: 1-56838-799-7
06 05 04 03 02 6 5 4 3 2 1
Chapter 2
You Can’t Go Forward Without Finishing the Past: Healing the
Pain of Abandonment, Fear, and Shame 17
Pain from the Past Past-Driven Present Pain Attempts to Control
Our Pain Emotional Responses to Pain Behavioral Responses to Pain
Rational or Cognitive Responses to Pain Letting Go of the Past, Healing
the Pain We Can’t Go Forward Without Finishing the Past
Chart: “From a Past of Chronic Loss to the Turning Point: The Experience
of Pain from an Adult’s Point of View”
Chapter 3
Four Steps to Freedom: The Process of Recovery from Chronic Loss 47
Step One: Explore Past Losses A Cognitive Life Raft and Emotional
Safety Net Fear of Feelings Overcoming the Fear of Feelings
Step Two: Connect the Past to Present Life Step Three: Challenge
Internalized Beliefs Step Four: Learn New Skills Applying the
Four Steps to a Recovery Issue Recovery Can’t Be Rushed
Chart: “Changing Course: The Recovery Process”
Chapter 4
Building Your Own Inner Adult: Skills to Create a
Core of Personal Strength 75
Creating an Inner Holding Environment Core Recovery Skills
Validating Yourself Letting Go of Some Control Feeling Your
vii
viii C
Chapter 5
The House We Lived In: No More Roles, No More Secrets 109
Family Secrets Family Stories Identifying Family Roles Who Am I,
If I’m Not Who I’ve Been? Ending Old Roles
Chapter 6
Recovery Is the Road to Yourself: New Ways of Being,
New Ways of Relating 131
Reconstructing Relationships Sharing Your Pain and Grief with Family
Members Confrontation as a Part of Sharing, as a Way to Ending the
Source of the Pain How Can I Share My Pain If My Parent Has Died?
Present-Day Relationships Characteristics of a Healthy Relationship
Charting the Characteristics of Your Relationships
Chapter 7
Spirituality Is Something You Are: Forgiving, Loving,
Finding Serenity 159
Spirituality and Control Spirituality and the Fear of Abandonment
Spirituality and Forgiveness Spirituality and Our Religious Upbringing
Spirituality and the Spirit of Our Inner Child Practicing Spirituality
Spirituality, the Turning Point to a New Course
Appendices 183
A. Personal Loss Graph for Early Years
B. Loss Graph Exercise (Early Years)
C. Personal Loss Graph for Adult Years
D. Loss Graph Exercise (Adult Years)
E. Charting Your Relationships
ix
Chapter 1
Changing Course
Turning Points to Recovery
“I don’t know when my parents began their war against each other, but I
do know the only prisoners they took were their children. When we needed
to escape, we developed a ritual—we found a silent soothing world where
there was no pain, a world without mothers and fathers. But that was a
long time ago, before I chose not to have a memory.”
—Pat Conroy, The Prince of Tides
“I’ve spent my whole life trying to take the pain out of everyone else’s life!
The whole time, the issue was my pain, not theirs. Today I don’t run
scared. I know my fear, my hurt, my anger. I also know my joy. Today I
don’t live in shame.”
—Lynn
“Fear and loneliness were all I ever knew—I think I came into this world
scared. But now, at forty-two it’s different. I have used most things—
gambling, women, sex, alcohol—to medicate my fears and not feel so lonely.
Today I no longer use people, activities, and substances to medicate or keep
me separated from my feelings. I’ve slowed down to be able to meet myself.
And I realize I am okay. I am more than okay! I actually look forward to
each day.”
—Joe
1
2 C C
“I wanted so badly to be loved, but for years all I felt was ignored and
unwanted. I went to every length possible to make people love me, only
to be repeatedly ignored and unwanted. Then, slowly, with the under-
standing of what had happened in my life and with the freedom to talk
about it, things started to turn around. I learned to love myself. What a
revelation!”
—Judy
merely bit players, “lesser lights” whose characters were never developed in
the family script. The lines we were supposed to speak and our range of
emotions were limited so that we didn’t conflict with the main character
who, in essence, stole the show.
Many others of us accept the idea of chronic loss, but we can’t put our
finger on any specific event that was the cause of that loss. Perhaps there
was no identifiable abuse, addiction, or other blatant dysfunction in our
lives. In our case, the loss was growing in the shadow of our parents’ pain.
Factoring in what we know now, we would probably see that our parents
themselves had been character actors in someone else’s play. In many ways,
the other play is still going on off-stage in the wings of our lives. As a re-
sult, what happened in our families was far less obvious, but we were af-
fected nonetheless.
Whether we grew up in a subtly or blatantly painful family, we learned
to push our concerns aside and stuff our feelings away.
“I’m fifty-two years old. Why should I be angry with my dad for being a
victim of his era? All dads hit their kids once in awhile. So my dad made
bruises! My life isn’t so bad.”
“My mother created a lot of pain in my life, being so critical and acting
like a jealous girlfriend, but she was also all I had. It could have been worse.”
There are always other people who have had greater difficulty, more pain in
their lives; the fact that others had it worse doesn’t take away your loss.
There will always be a greater horror story. Your loss is not negated by
someone else’s. Your loss is your own pain.
How do you go from living according to the rules—Don’t Talk, Don’t
Trust, Don’t Feel—to a life where you are free to talk and trust and feel?
4 C C
You do this through a process that teaches you to go to the source of those
old, trans-generational rules, to question them and to recreate new rules of
your own. You will also have to grieve what is now in the past but is still
painful. You will discover that your life will change course as a result of this
process of renewal.
“Why would I want to talk about that now? It was a long time ago.”
Whenever we explore our past, there’s a reason. People who resist going
back to face difficult childhood issues are not fully acknowledging the pain
of the loss or trauma that occurred in their lives. For many people it has be-
come easier to develop defenses to avoid facing their pain—workaholism,
excessiveness in sexual or eating behaviors, perfectionism or extreme care-
taking, for instance. These behaviors are often culturally supported. They
anesthetize pain and possibly offer esteem. All of this causes people to
question why they should want to change.
While you can’t relive those early years, you can recover from the pain of
the past—gradually. Little by little, you can let down those defenses that
once helped you survive but are actually hurting you now. You can learn
new life skills so you can begin to accept and internalize that it is truly pos-
sible for you to
your vulnerability and hide your true self from others. No more need to put
up barriers that keep people at a distance.
This new way of living is possible for those who choose it—whenever
they choose it. Young, middle-aged, or older, whatever your age, recovery is
there if you want it. Recovery starts with recognizing that you would like at
least part of your life to be different than it is now.
The turning point in your life comes with a new awareness:
H If you have anger or guilt from the past, you deserve to heal.
H If you are protecting yourself from past pain in ways that are caus-
ing you even more pain in the present, you deserve to heal.
At birth, a child has a “bill of human rights.” A child has the right
• to be loved for who he or she is rather than for being what others
wish him or her to become;
6 C C
Yet, for children raised in troubled families, these basic rights are lost.
Instead, they must struggle for the right merely to survive. As a conse-
quence of their loss, these adult-age individuals have difficulty experiencing
a healthy life until the child within each of them is able to speak the truth
about childhood and get free from the bondage of the past. Until this recog-
nition and healing occurs, people are subject to live a life without choice,
reliving old pain and controlling the pain in hurtful ways. Unless some-
thing changes, they are characters trapped in their old life dramas, destined
to live out old scripts.
school. There is a sense of loss when children move to a new area and a new
home. They experience another kind of natural loss through the death of a
loved one, whether it is a family member, friend, or pet.
A common natural loss is that of a pet. This is a painful time and often a
child’s first experience with death. As painful as that can be, it is less so in
our father’s or mother’s arms. In a troubled family, children are often not
supported in their pain or are told not to show what they feel. Sometimes
they’re also told not to feel what they feel—to keep a stiff upper lip, to stop
crying—to stop acting like a child. In a severely dysfunctional family, the
scenario might be that one parent intentionally causes the loss—for ex-
ample, by giving away the child’s cat—and the other parent denies the sig-
nificance of what happened, maybe even denies that it happened at all.
When we experience a natural loss and are supported by our parents we
feel sad, but loved and secure. When we are not supported we feel sad,
unloved, abandoned. This lack of support or help with our pain is, then, an
abandonment experience.
“I remember my graduation. My dad was too busy to get there until it was
over.”
The losses are most often due to emotional abandonment, physical aban-
donment, or a combination of the two.
Emotional abandonment occurs when the parent or primary caretaker is
not emotionally available to the child on a consistent basis. While physical
needs are being met, there is little or no nurturing, hugging, or emotional
intimacy developing between the parent and the child. The unnecessary
losses a child experiences may range from loss of quality and quantity of
time with a parent, loss of childhood as a result of unrealistic expectations
placed on the child, loss of hope, loss of opportunity, to loss of innocence.
“By the time I was seven, I was the little adult at home. I had to be perfect.
There was no laughter, no fun, no tenderness.”
“After my third foster home, I knew no one was coming for me.”
“My dad didn’t care about me. He clearly liked being away from home
better than he liked us kids. By the time I was eleven, I didn’t care much
about things either. No one had time for me, so what did it matter if I was
a screw up?”
Loss is not always a result of what does happen; sometimes loss is the
result of what does not happen. Maybe you had a need that went un-
noticed. Maybe you did not hear a parent say, “I love you” or “You are spe-
cial.” The loss could also be a result of what you didn’t get to say because
your parents weren’t available, or what you didn’t get to do with them, such
as play or work on projects. Words and time are important to all children as
they grow up. They convey to us that we are valued.
Physical abandonment occurs when a child has repetitively missed meals,
has been left alone for hours or days unsupervised, or has been left without
adequate supervision. Due to our ability to deny, we sometimes negate our
abandonment. “I was always supervised. Maybe Mom and Dad weren’t
home, but my older brother was.” Although being left with older siblings
for lengthy periods of time may illustrate one child’s valiant effort to pro-
tect another child, it still constitutes abandonment by parents. In spite of
the maturity of our nine-, twelve-, or fifteen-year-old siblings, they are still
nine, twelve, or fifteen. We needed adult supervision and protection. Not
Changing Course 9
being properly clothed or not having physical protection are forms of aban-
donment. Physical and sexual abuse are major boundary violations. It is an
act of physical abandonment when the child is treated as an object and not
as a person. Those who are responsible for you owe it to you to see that you
are not violated. You deserve protection. Not feeling secure, protected, safe,
both psychologically and physically, creates the greatest loss for children.
The messages heard by the child experiencing emotional abandonment
and physical abandonment are very similar: “You are not of value, you are
not wanted, you are in the way.”
Being in a family where there is chronic loss is traumatic; it gravely in-
terferes with our ability to feel good about ourselves and the world. It can
interfere with developing skills that lead to connecting and bonding. It will
be significant in the creation of internalized fear and shame.
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