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SECOND EDITION
Changing
Course
Changing
Course Healing
from Loss,
Abandonment,
and Fear

The Sequel to It Will Never Happen to Me

Claudia Black, Ph.D.

Second Edition

HAZELDEN
®
Hazelden
Center City, Minnesota 55012-0176

1-800-328-0094
1-651-213-4590 (Fax)
www.hazelden.org

©1993, 1999 by Claudia Black

All rights reserved
First edition published by MAC Publishing, 1993
Second edition published by MAC Publishing, 1999
First published by Hazelden Foundation, 2002
Printed in the United States of America
No portion of this publication may be reproduced in any manner
without the written permission of the publisher

ISBN: 1-56838-799-7

06 05 04 03 02 6 5 4 3 2 1

Cover design by Lightbourne

Cover illustration by Teresa Long
Interior design by Rachel Holscher
Typesetting by Stanton Publication Services, Inc.
In memory of my dad,
Wilmer Dale Clark
 Contents
Chapter 1
Changing Course: Turning Points to Recovery 1
Living by the Rules  Going Back to the Past  Chronic Loss and
Abandonment  Denial  Rigidity  Isolation  Shame  The Impact
of Our Losses  Changing Course
Chart: “How Chronic Loss Is Created: The Experience of Pain from a
Child’s Point of View”

Chapter 2
You Can’t Go Forward Without Finishing the Past: Healing the
Pain of Abandonment, Fear, and Shame 17
Pain from the Past  Past-Driven Present Pain  Attempts to Control
Our Pain  Emotional Responses to Pain  Behavioral Responses to Pain 
Rational or Cognitive Responses to Pain  Letting Go of the Past, Healing
the Pain  We Can’t Go Forward Without Finishing the Past
Chart: “From a Past of Chronic Loss to the Turning Point: The Experience
of Pain from an Adult’s Point of View”

Chapter 3
Four Steps to Freedom: The Process of Recovery from Chronic Loss 47
Step One: Explore Past Losses  A Cognitive Life Raft and Emotional
Safety Net  Fear of Feelings  Overcoming the Fear of Feelings 
Step Two: Connect the Past to Present Life  Step Three: Challenge
Internalized Beliefs  Step Four: Learn New Skills  Applying the
Four Steps to a Recovery Issue  Recovery Can’t Be Rushed
Chart: “Changing Course: The Recovery Process”

Chapter 4
Building Your Own Inner Adult: Skills to Create a
Core of Personal Strength 75
Creating an Inner Holding Environment  Core Recovery Skills 
Validating Yourself  Letting Go of Some Control  Feeling Your

vii
viii C

Feelings  Identifying Your Needs  Setting Limits and Boundaries 

Creating a Core of Strength with the Recovery Skills
Chart: “Continuum of Control: Control Issues in Rigid, Chaotic, and
Healthy Families”

Chapter 5
The House We Lived In: No More Roles, No More Secrets 109
Family Secrets  Family Stories  Identifying Family Roles  Who Am I,
If I’m Not Who I’ve Been?  Ending Old Roles

Chapter 6
Recovery Is the Road to Yourself: New Ways of Being,
New Ways of Relating 131
Reconstructing Relationships  Sharing Your Pain and Grief with Family
Members  Confrontation as a Part of Sharing, as a Way to Ending the
Source of the Pain  How Can I Share My Pain If My Parent Has Died? 
Present-Day Relationships  Characteristics of a Healthy Relationship 
Charting the Characteristics of Your Relationships

Chapter 7
Spirituality Is Something You Are: Forgiving, Loving,
Finding Serenity 159
Spirituality and Control  Spirituality and the Fear of Abandonment 
Spirituality and Forgiveness  Spirituality and Our Religious Upbringing 
Spirituality and the Spirit of Our Inner Child  Practicing Spirituality 
Spirituality, the Turning Point to a New Course

Turning Points to Recovery 181

Appendices 183
A. Personal Loss Graph for Early Years
B. Loss Graph Exercise (Early Years)
C. Personal Loss Graph for Adult Years
D. Loss Graph Exercise (Adult Years)
E. Charting Your Relationships

About the Author 195

 Special thanks to

Lauren Michaels, who read, reread, typed, retyped, proofed, reproofed.

Most importantly, thanks for being an integral part of offering feedback.
Your compassion for this project and honesty has been vital to me in this
writing.
Bonnie Hesse, who worked far beyond her role as editor in time and
talent.
Sandi Klein, who in the second edition of this book would take on the
role of reading, rereading, typing, and retyping. Thank you for making this
a non-stressful atmosphere as minute details were attended to; thank you
for your feedback.

ix
 Chapter 1
Changing Course
Turning Points to Recovery

“I don’t know when my parents began their war against each other, but I
do know the only prisoners they took were their children. When we needed
to escape, we developed a ritual—we found a silent soothing world where
there was no pain, a world without mothers and fathers. But that was a
long time ago, before I chose not to have a memory.”
—Pat Conroy, The Prince of Tides

“Forgiving is not forgetting. It is remembering and letting go.”

—Claudia Black, It’s Never Too Late to Have a Happy Childhood

“I’ve spent my whole life trying to take the pain out of everyone else’s life!
The whole time, the issue was my pain, not theirs. Today I don’t run
scared. I know my fear, my hurt, my anger. I also know my joy. Today I
don’t live in shame.”
—Lynn

“Fear and loneliness were all I ever knew—I think I came into this world
scared. But now, at forty-two it’s different. I have used most things—
gambling, women, sex, alcohol—to medicate my fears and not feel so lonely.
Today I no longer use people, activities, and substances to medicate or keep
me separated from my feelings. I’ve slowed down to be able to meet myself.
And I realize I am okay. I am more than okay! I actually look forward to
each day.”
—Joe

1
2 C C

“I wanted so badly to be loved, but for years all I felt was ignored and
unwanted. I went to every length possible to make people love me, only
to be repeatedly ignored and unwanted. Then, slowly, with the under-
standing of what had happened in my life and with the freedom to talk
about it, things started to turn around. I learned to love myself. What a
revelation!”
—Judy

T   decades of pain and then discovered a different

way of being in this world, a different way of living their lives. Why did they
have pain? How did it go away? What was their turning point? How did
they change the course of their lives? These are some of the questions we
will try to answer here.
When we grow up with fear and shame we become adults who live with
fear and shame. Accompanying these intense feelings is a pervasive, chronic
sense of loss, ranging anywhere from serious to profound. The sensation of
this loss goes by various names: unhappiness, hopelessness, depression, empti-
ness, insecurity, anxiety, boredom. Whatever the words we use, these wounds
have troubled our very spirit. We need to let go of the fear and shame. We
need to change our course by putting the cause of our pain in its proper
perspective.
What you might be feeling depends on what you felt when the original
wounding began, compounded by your life experiences from that time on.
It will be difficult to look back at those troubling times, but this is where
your recovery begins.
For some of us, life in our early years was organized around our mother’s
drinking, and the subsequent embarrassment and shame. Or our brother’s
dying and the fear, stigma, and prevailing sadness we endured. Or our fa-
ther’s rigid religious fervor and the shame, confusion, guilt, and anger we
felt. Or our parents’ outright abandonment of their parenting roles and the
ensuing abandonment of us, their children. Or our physical or sexual abuse
by someone who was supposed to love us.
Early on, we were deprived of the very conditions necessary for us to
thrive as children. We lost the opportunity to be ourselves. We lived as
characters in someone else’s drama, a story of his or her war against pain.
The family spotlight was nearly always on that other person, and we were
Changing Course 3

merely bit players, “lesser lights” whose characters were never developed in
the family script. The lines we were supposed to speak and our range of
emotions were limited so that we didn’t conflict with the main character
who, in essence, stole the show.
Many others of us accept the idea of chronic loss, but we can’t put our
finger on any specific event that was the cause of that loss. Perhaps there
was no identifiable abuse, addiction, or other blatant dysfunction in our
lives. In our case, the loss was growing in the shadow of our parents’ pain.
Factoring in what we know now, we would probably see that our parents
themselves had been character actors in someone else’s play. In many ways,
the other play is still going on off-stage in the wings of our lives. As a re-
sult, what happened in our families was far less obvious, but we were af-
fected nonetheless.
Whether we grew up in a subtly or blatantly painful family, we learned
to push our concerns aside and stuff our feelings away.

Living by the Rules

Don’t Talk, Don’t Trust, Don’t Feel

“I have this great job. I travel. I’m self-sufficient. Maybe I don’t need to be
able to get closer to people.”

“I’m fifty-two years old. Why should I be angry with my dad for being a
victim of his era? All dads hit their kids once in awhile. So my dad made
bruises! My life isn’t so bad.”

“My mother created a lot of pain in my life, being so critical and acting
like a jealous girlfriend, but she was also all I had. It could have been worse.”

There are always other people who have had greater difficulty, more pain in
their lives; the fact that others had it worse doesn’t take away your loss.
There will always be a greater horror story. Your loss is not negated by
someone else’s. Your loss is your own pain.
How do you go from living according to the rules—Don’t Talk, Don’t
Trust, Don’t Feel—to a life where you are free to talk and trust and feel?
4 C C

You do this through a process that teaches you to go to the source of those
old, trans-generational rules, to question them and to recreate new rules of
your own. You will also have to grieve what is now in the past but is still
painful. You will discover that your life will change course as a result of this
process of renewal.

Going Back to the Past

“My friends have given me all the books, but I don’t want to touch those
issues.”

“I’m twenty-three. I want to move on in my life. Why all this recovery

stuff ?”

“Why would I want to talk about that now? It was a long time ago.”

Whenever we explore our past, there’s a reason. People who resist going
back to face difficult childhood issues are not fully acknowledging the pain
of the loss or trauma that occurred in their lives. For many people it has be-
come easier to develop defenses to avoid facing their pain—workaholism,
excessiveness in sexual or eating behaviors, perfectionism or extreme care-
taking, for instance. These behaviors are often culturally supported. They
anesthetize pain and possibly offer esteem. All of this causes people to
question why they should want to change.
While you can’t relive those early years, you can recover from the pain of
the past—gradually. Little by little, you can let down those defenses that
once helped you survive but are actually hurting you now. You can learn
new life skills so you can begin to accept and internalize that it is truly pos-
sible for you to

be imperfect and still be lovable;

make mistakes and still be forgiven; and
feel and express your feelings openly, honestly, safely.

No more secret shame. No more need to make a superhuman effort to

stay in control so you can keep up appearances. No more need to protect
Changing Course 5

your vulnerability and hide your true self from others. No more need to put
up barriers that keep people at a distance.
This new way of living is possible for those who choose it—whenever
they choose it. Young, middle-aged, or older, whatever your age, recovery is
there if you want it. Recovery starts with recognizing that you would like at
least part of your life to be different than it is now.
The turning point in your life comes with a new awareness:

H “There is another reality than the one I live. I want it.”

Then a new willingness:

H “I am willing to take some risks to have it.”

This book offers a framework for understanding the recovery/healing
process from childhood family pain that has carried forward in your life.
The book will help you to understand the beliefs and behaviors that have
perpetuated your pain. It will identify specific steps in recovery, examine
the core issues you will face, and offer guidelines regarding expectations for
yourself and others you care about.
All of our lives can be viewed on a continuum from “No Pain” to “All
Pain,” and the combined effect of our experiences, past and present, falls
somewhere between these extremes. There is no amount you must have
suffered in order to have permission to heal.

H If you have pain, you deserve to heal.

H If you have anger or guilt from the past, you deserve to heal.
H If you are protecting yourself from past pain in ways that are caus-
ing you even more pain in the present, you deserve to heal.

At birth, a child has a “bill of human rights.” A child has the right

• to be loved for who he or she is rather than for being what others
wish him or her to become;
6 C C

• to be nurtured and parented rather than to make up for the par-

ents’ losses;
• the right to consistency, security, warmth, and understanding;
• the right to unconditional love; and
• the right to be protected from traumatic situations.

Yet, for children raised in troubled families, these basic rights are lost.
Instead, they must struggle for the right merely to survive. As a conse-
quence of their loss, these adult-age individuals have difficulty experiencing
a healthy life until the child within each of them is able to speak the truth
about childhood and get free from the bondage of the past. Until this recog-
nition and healing occurs, people are subject to live a life without choice,
reliving old pain and controlling the pain in hurtful ways. Unless some-
thing changes, they are characters trapped in their old life dramas, destined
to live out old scripts.

| Reflect on the statement, “At birth a child has a bill of rights.”

How strongly do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Chronic Loss and Abandonment

A family’s life together is troubled when the conditions that foster physical
and emotional growth and well-being are continuously absent over time.
The absence of these nurturing conditions has the cumulative effect of cre-
ating a childhood experience of chronic loss and abandonment. Within a
family, the dynamics that create a sense of loss are denial, rigidity, isolation,
and shame. Everyone will experience these things occasionally, but when
children experience any of these four factors to a severe degree they carry
forward an overriding sense of chronic loss.

Some Loss Is Necessary; Some Is Not

We all experience loss in life. From birth we embark on a journey of separa-
tion from our fathers and mothers. The losses we experience are natural or
“necessary losses” and are balanced by gains that build our strength and
health.
Children naturally experience loss of some level of security as they enter
Changing Course 7

school. There is a sense of loss when children move to a new area and a new
home. They experience another kind of natural loss through the death of a
loved one, whether it is a family member, friend, or pet.
A common natural loss is that of a pet. This is a painful time and often a
child’s first experience with death. As painful as that can be, it is less so in
our father’s or mother’s arms. In a troubled family, children are often not
supported in their pain or are told not to show what they feel. Sometimes
they’re also told not to feel what they feel—to keep a stiff upper lip, to stop
crying—to stop acting like a child. In a severely dysfunctional family, the
scenario might be that one parent intentionally causes the loss—for ex-
ample, by giving away the child’s cat—and the other parent denies the sig-
nificance of what happened, maybe even denies that it happened at all.
When we experience a natural loss and are supported by our parents we
feel sad, but loved and secure. When we are not supported we feel sad,
unloved, abandoned. This lack of support or help with our pain is, then, an
abandonment experience.

Abandonment Is Not a Necessary Loss

“Oh sure, I remember the first day of school. Don’t we all? My seven-year-
old sister woke me up yelling. She dressed me while Mom was sleeping.
Dad was away. She held my hand, took me to her school, and told me to
stay away from the older kids and not to fall asleep.”

“Two different times growing up my father actually gave our dogs

away—our pets! My best friends! My parents told us both times that they
were killed by cars, but I overheard Mom telling Grandma the real story!”

“I remember my graduation. My dad was too busy to get there until it was
over.”

These are examples of children who were emotionally abandoned. They

were not offered solace, direction, or support at significant times in their
lives. Many of us are not offered protection at times of natural loss; we may
even be in families that create losses for children. What is most damaging
is that these losses take place at the time in life when we are developing our
self-worth.
8 C C

The losses are most often due to emotional abandonment, physical aban-
donment, or a combination of the two.
Emotional abandonment occurs when the parent or primary caretaker is
not emotionally available to the child on a consistent basis. While physical
needs are being met, there is little or no nurturing, hugging, or emotional
intimacy developing between the parent and the child. The unnecessary
losses a child experiences may range from loss of quality and quantity of
time with a parent, loss of childhood as a result of unrealistic expectations
placed on the child, loss of hope, loss of opportunity, to loss of innocence.

“By the time I was seven, I was the little adult at home. I had to be perfect.
There was no laughter, no fun, no tenderness.”

“After my third foster home, I knew no one was coming for me.”

“My dad didn’t care about me. He clearly liked being away from home
better than he liked us kids. By the time I was eleven, I didn’t care much
about things either. No one had time for me, so what did it matter if I was
a screw up?”

Loss is not always a result of what does happen; sometimes loss is the
result of what does not happen. Maybe you had a need that went un-
noticed. Maybe you did not hear a parent say, “I love you” or “You are spe-
cial.” The loss could also be a result of what you didn’t get to say because
your parents weren’t available, or what you didn’t get to do with them, such
as play or work on projects. Words and time are important to all children as
they grow up. They convey to us that we are valued.
Physical abandonment occurs when a child has repetitively missed meals,
has been left alone for hours or days unsupervised, or has been left without
adequate supervision. Due to our ability to deny, we sometimes negate our
abandonment. “I was always supervised. Maybe Mom and Dad weren’t
home, but my older brother was.” Although being left with older siblings
for lengthy periods of time may illustrate one child’s valiant effort to pro-
tect another child, it still constitutes abandonment by parents. In spite of
the maturity of our nine-, twelve-, or fifteen-year-old siblings, they are still
nine, twelve, or fifteen. We needed adult supervision and protection. Not
Changing Course 9

being properly clothed or not having physical protection are forms of aban-
donment. Physical and sexual abuse are major boundary violations. It is an
act of physical abandonment when the child is treated as an object and not
as a person. Those who are responsible for you owe it to you to see that you
are not violated. You deserve protection. Not feeling secure, protected, safe,
both psychologically and physically, creates the greatest loss for children.
The messages heard by the child experiencing emotional abandonment
and physical abandonment are very similar: “You are not of value, you are
not wanted, you are in the way.”
Being in a family where there is chronic loss is traumatic; it gravely in-
terferes with our ability to feel good about ourselves and the world. It can
interfere with developing skills that lead to connecting and bonding. It will
be significant in the creation of internalized fear and shame.

Denial

The Loss of Natural Openness and Honesty

Denial is a defense mechanism, a natural response to protect against pain.
When someone feels helpless to impact their situation or is ashamed of
what is occurring, they often resort to denial. Denial can be identified
when individuals discount, minimize, or rationalize their feelings. As a
nine-year-old put it, “Denial is pretending things are different than how
they really are.” While the word denial is most often associated with the
addictive family, it is the central dynamic of any dysfunctional system.
To be raised with denial is to know the Rule of Silence. As children we
learned that it was not okay to speak our truth and, instead, we should pre-
tend things were different than they were. It may be that our perceptions
were not validated, or we felt threatened about speaking up for fear of the
consequences or punishment. We may have felt hopeless, believing that
nothing good would come from talking. As children raised with the Rule
of Silence we became confused about loyalty. Often we didn’t speak up be-
cause we were afraid we wouldn’t be believed. As upset, frightened, or con-
cerned as we were, we believed that we would jeopardize our well-being
and betray those we loved if we spoke our truth.
If we were raised with others close to us also subscribing to the Rule of
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