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The Character Factor How We Judge America s
Presidents 1st Edition James P. Pfiffner Digital Instant
Download
Author(s): James P. Pfiffner
ISBN(s): 9781603446297, 160344629X
Edition: 1
File Details: PDF, 5.29 MB
Year: 2003
Language: english
 Character Complexity : i

The Character Factor

 The
Character
Factor
How We Judge America’s Presidents

James P. Pfiffner

    •            

 Copyright ©  by James P. Pfiffner
Manufactured in the United States of America
All rights reserved
First edition

The paper used in this book meets the minimum requirements

of the American National Standard for Permanence
of Paper for Printed Library Materials, .-.
Binding materials have been chosen for durability.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Pfiffner, James P.
The character factor : how we judge America’s presidents /
James P. Pfiffner.
p. cm.—(The presidency and leadership ; no. )
Includes index.
 --- (cloth)— --- (pbk.)
. Presidents—United States—Psychology—Case studies.
. Character—Political aspects—United States. . Political
leadership—United States. . Presidents—United States—
Public opinion. . Public opinion—United States.
I. Title. II. Series.
. 
.''—dc 
 For my wife, Deb Pfiffner,
and our children,
Megan Cyr Pfiffner (),
Katherine Courtney Pfiffner (),
and Morgan Meehan Pfiffner ()

k
 CONTENTS

Preface 



. Judging Presidential Character 

. The Nature of Presidential Lies 
. Serious Presidential Lies 
. Sexual Probity and Presidential Character 
. Character, Consistency, and Campaign Promises 
. Three Presidents in Crisis 
. Character Complexity 

Notes 
Sources for Epigraphs 
Index 
Series Page 
 Preface : ix

PREFACE

In the spring of  members of the Clinton administration found them-

selves playing roles in a drama that the president had created, but they
were not sure whether they were involved in a farce or a tragedy. In truth,
the sexual imbroglio the president had created contained elements of both.
The farcical elements resembled an eighteenth-century comedy of
manners in which the main character is caught in a sexual affair with a
woman not his wife and is greatly embarrassed by the discovery. Clinton’s
affair also had some far-fetched coincidences reminiscent of musical com-
edy. The president is brought to court by a woman (Paula Jones) who felt
that her honor had been publicly impugned by the author of an article
that identified her by only her first name. She claimed that Governor
Clinton’s rejected sexual proposition to her and its aftermath constituted
sexual harassment.
Another woman (Linda Tripp), scorned by the president’s lawyer, taped
the maunderings of another young woman (Monica Lewinsky) who
claimed to have had an affair with the president and was despondent be-
cause he was not returning her calls. Tripp tipped off Jones’s lawyers, who
set a trap by asking the president in a sworn deposition whether he had
had an affair with Lewinsky. The president answered in the negative. The
judge later threw the sexual harassment case out of court, but the damage
was done. The press went into a feeding frenzy; independent counsel
Kenneth Starr was hot on Clinton’s trail; and the rest made history.
The farcical aspects of the situation were evident because it seemed so
petty. That the president would risk his whole administration and legacy
for a little sexual gratification was incredible. If the story line had been
proposed for a novel, any decent editor would have rejected it; the char-
acter motivation and plot would not have been credible.
But important issues were also at stake. Compounding the legal but
morally dubious affair, the president was accused of perjury and obstruc-
tion of justice. His refusal to come forth with evidence and explanations
raised the question of whether the president was above the law and could
resist legal inquiry. In a series of legal showdowns courts decided that
 x : Preface

neither executive privilege nor lawyer-client privilege could protect the

president’s aides from giving their testimony. Even Secret Service agents
were forced to testify about the president’s actions. Questions about the
president’s personal integrity were raised, and it became apparent that he
had lied to his family, the public, his closest aides, and members of his
cabinet in addition to the judge in the Paula Jones case.
Consequently President Clinton found himself in a tragic situation in
the classical sense of the squandering of the potential for greatness be-
cause of a character flaw in the protagonist. Bill Clinton was one of the
most intelligent presidents and one of the most gifted politicians of the
twentieth century. Although he might not have ranked among the great
presidents in U.S. history, he had the potential to accomplish much dur-
ing his two terms in office. But he risked his political legacy and his presi-
dency itself, not to mention his personal reputation and his family, for a
few moments of pleasure.
Thus did the character issue again come to the fore in presidential poli-
tics. Those who had opposed Clinton all along saw his actions as a natu-
ral and even inevitable manifestation of his character. His defenders saw
his behavior as an aberration based on a serious character flaw in an other-
wise intelligent, talented, and well-intentioned president. The issue of the
private lives of public officials was also raised anew. The American pub-
lic, including pundits and scholars, judged Clinton harshly because of his
private sexual behavior. Media standards and public attitudes had changed
since the s for reasons discussed in chapter , and Clinton was judged
by the new standards. But if we want to judge presidential character fairly,
we must also consider what we know about the extramarital behavior of
other modern presidents.
In contemporary politics the character issue usually implies sex and
lies and is used to attack a political opponent. This book takes the charac-
ter issue seriously. The idea of presidential character deserves to be saved
from relativism on the one hand and from cynicism on the other. Relativ-
ists would have us believe that moral judgment is hopelessly subjective
and that we ought not to judge others’ behavior. One variant of the rela-
tivist perspective argues that partisanship makes fair judgment impos-
sible; Democrats will blindly defend their presidents, and Republicans
will blindly defend theirs. Cynics look at unacceptable behavior on the
part of presidents and conclude that “they all do it,” so why even bother
with trying to distinguish good from bad behavior?
But this book argues that they do not all do it. Yes, some presidents tell
 Preface : xi

lies, but not all lies are equally wrong. Yes, some presidents break their
marriage vows, but not all adultery is equally condemnable. This book
does not address partisans, hagiographers, or cynics who have already
made up their minds. It is rather intended for moderate, reasonable citi-
zens who are capable of admitting that even the best presidents may have
character flaws and that even seriously flawed presidents have made im-
portant contributions to our polity.
The conclusion of this analysis is that presidential character is not seam-
less; most presidents have multidimensional characters. That is,
presidents can do some things well and others very poorly. There are no
summary judgments here that some presidents have “good” characters
and other have “bad” ones. The argument is that judging character is subtle
and complex. Nevertheless, it is necessary that we as citizens judge our
presidents’ behavior. Some presidential behavior is admirable and some
is unacceptable, and our duty is to weigh both in coming to our own
conclusions about how to judge our presidents. This is not easy, but it is
not the province only of specialists or scholars; it is the duty of citizens to
look at the evidence and make their own judgments.
This book presents some evidence and raises some questions about
presidential character. Although I make some moral judgments about
presidential behavior, it is not necessary for the reader to agree with them.
My main concern is to raise the issues that we ought to consider in mak-
ing our judgments, not to insist that my specific judgments are correct.
Because common usage of the character issue focuses on negative char-
acter traits, this book necessarily examines behavior by presidents that
often does not measure up to our hopes. The chapters at the heart of the
book focus on presidential lying, marital infidelity, promise breaking, and
potentially impeachable behavior. Although these issues entail important
aspects of presidential behavior, they are by no means the only or the
most important dimensions of our presidents. Good judgment, courage,
and effective leadership are crucial to our polity, and any balanced treat-
ment of presidential character ought to deal with them. In order to put
the character faults of modern presidents into perspective, the final chap-
ter proposes a way to take a more balanced view, using as examples Lyndon
Johnson, Ronald Reagan, and Bill Clinton.
At times I felt uneasy as I did research for the book, combing through
the indexes of books in search of evidence for presidential misbehavior.
But I concluded that these issues need to be addressed. Charges of presi-
dential lying have been common, and President Clinton was impeached
 xii : Preface

because of his lies. And in light of independent counsel Kenneth Starr’s

evidence delivered to the House of Representatives and made public in
, it is impossible for us to ignore President Clinton’s sexual behavior
in judging his character. If we judge President Clinton in part by his extra-
marital sexual behavior, we must examine similar behavior in other presi-
dents if we are to be even handed in our judgments. The point is not to be
fair to President Clinton, but rather to be clear about our judgments.

An Overview of the Book

In American politics the problem is that although everyone avers that

character is crucial in the presidency, there is no consensus about what
constitutes good character. The first chapter of this book emphasizes the
importance of presidential character and distinguishes private morality
from the moral obligations of presidents in office. It then analyzes
commonsense, popular definitions of character and discusses how they
apply to politicians.
In chapters  and  I take up one central aspect of any definition of
character: truthfulness and lying. The argument is that most presidents
lie at some time while campaigning or in office but that not all lies are of
equal gravity. A typology is developed that argues that some lies are jus-
tifiable, some are minor, some are wrong but understandable, and some
are serious breaches of the public trust. These two chapters present in-
stances of lying by presidents and suggest criteria for judging the lies. The
conclusion is that we need to examine the context of any instance of lying
in some detail in order to evaluate a president’s character.
Chapter  examines the question of modern presidents’ sexual fidelity.
It contrasts an absolutist position that argues that any act of adultery is so
morally wrong as to be disqualifying for a president with a perspective
that not all sexual infidelities by presidents are equivalent. The chapter
considers the sexual behaviors of Presidents Roosevelt, Eisenhower,
Kennedy, Johnson, and Clinton in their contexts. It concludes with a com-
parative evaluation of these presidents’ sexual behaviors and the implica-
tions for presidential character.
Chapter  takes up the issues of consistency and promise keeping.
Americans maintain that consistency of vision and purpose are admi-
rable in presidents. On the other hand, in democracies in general and the
United States in particular, it is difficult for politicians to avoid changing
their policy positions in reaction to changes in public opinion and cir-
 Preface : xiii

cumstances. If politics is the art of the possible, overly rigid politicians

will not survive long in a democracy. The analysis then shifts to campaign
promises that presidents make. We examine high-visibility promises that
modern presidents have made, and we then evaluate how well the specific
presidents kept their promises in order to demonstrate how we might
make such assessments fairly and equitably.
The sixth chapter presents a brief overview of the three major, inter-
nally caused, crises in the modern presidency: Watergate, Iran-Contra,
and President Clinton’s lies about his relationship with Monica Lewinsky.
The chapter examines the causes and consequences of each crisis and
evaluates each president’s culpability for his predicament.
Finally, chapter  puts presidential character into perspective by argu-
ing that presidents are complex human beings (as are most people) and
capable of admirable as well as deplorable behavior. The analysis then shifts
to a balanced approach to understanding the character of three complex
presidents: Lyndon Johnson, Ronald Reagan, and Bill Clinton. The posi-
tive and negative traits of each are examined in order to show that each
had admirable as well as negative character traits. The conclusion outlines
a realistic perspective on our expectations of presidential behavior.
The bottom line in this book is the hope that carefully examining the
positive and negative dimensions of presidential behavior will lead us to
a more realistic understanding of the very human people who have be-
come our presidents. The bad news is that presidents often do not live up
to our ideals. The good news is that we consistently find virtuous, if flawed,
politicians to lead us in the presidency.

In the course of writing this book over the past several years, I have accu-
mulated many debts due to the kindness and generosity of others who
have helped me to think about presidential character. Several colleagues
went above and beyond the call of collegiality and read the whole manu-
script and gave me helpful comments. I want to thank them for their
generosity: Michael Genovese, David Lewis, Robert Pool, Robert Spitzer,
and Susan Tolchin. Lou Fisher’s careful reading and comments were par-
ticularly helpful. David Abshire was generous in allowing me to read the
prepublication manuscript of his book, To Save a Presidency, about his
experience in the Reagan White House. I also want to thank Susan J.
Tolchin and Martin Tolchin for letting me read portions of the manu-
script of their book Glass Houses: Congressional Ethics and the Politics of
Venom before it was published.
 xiv : Preface

George Mason has been a wonderful scholarly community for me. I

wish to thank Dean Danielle Struppa and Associate Dean Dee Holisky of
the College of Arts and Sciences for their work in establishing the schol-
arly award for which I put together the first version of several chapters of
this book. Scott Keeter, the chair of the Department of Public and Inter-
national Affairs, was generous in releasing me from some teaching, which
enabled me to do part of my research. Kingsley Haynes, Dean of the School
of Public Policy, and Jim Finkelstein, Senior Associate Dean, did much to
enable me to complete this project. Many other colleagues at George
Mason helped me with ideas and advice or by reading portions of the
manuscript: John Besanko, Brack Brown, Jim Burroughs, Timothy Conlan,
Robert Dudley, Jim Finkelstein, Jason Hartke, Peter Henriques, Lois
Horton, Don Kash, Scott Keeter, Martin Lipset, Alan Merten, Priscilla
Regan, Colleen Shogan, Toni Travis, and Roger Wilkins. Hugh Heclo was
particularly penetrating in his questions, comments, and reactions to por-
tions of the manuscript.
Other friends, colleagues, and scholars throughout the country were
also generous with their comments and help: Larry Berman, Michael
Beschloss, MaryAnne Borelli, Douglas Brook, John Burke, Lou Cannon,
Robert Dallek, Chris Deering, George Edwards, Bob Faherty, Al Felzenberg,
Booth Fowler, Hugh Gallagher, Fred Greenstein, Stephen Hess, Matthew
Holden, Mark Kann, Barbara Kellerman, Paul Light, Cal Mackenzie,
Herbert Parmet, Deb Pfiffner, Jeffrey Pfiffner, Megan Pfiffner, Patrick
Pfiffner, Dick Pious, John Ritzert, Matthew Spalding, Lee Sigelman, Fred
Timm, Jim Thurber, Rick Waterman, Steve Wayne, Kent Weaver, and Joe
White. None of these fine people can be blamed for any of my mistakes or
misjudgments in the book, and I am particularly grateful for criticisms
that I carefully considered but finally rejected. I also appreciate the pro-
fessionals at Texas A&M University Press who shepherded this book
through the production and publication process.
Finally, I wish to thank my wife, Deb, and our children, Megan, KC,
and Morgan, for their love and support during the years this book was in
incubation.
 Judging Presidential Character : 1

The Character Factor

2 : THE CHARACTER FACTOR
 Judging Presidential Character : 3

 

Judging Presidential Character

k
Liberty cannot be preserved without general knowledge among the
people who have the right to that knowledge and the desire to know.
But besides this, they have a right, an indisputable, unalienable,
indefeasible, divine right to that most dreaded and envied kind of
knowledge—I mean of the character and conduct of their rulers.
—     ,  

In American partisan politics, the character issue is most often raised with
negative connotations to imply doubt about a person’s moral suitability
for high public office. William Safire’s New Political Dictionary defines the
character issue as “the moral uprightness of a candidate; or, a euphemism
for an attack on a candidate for philandering.” He adds that the term is
“almost always used in a verbal attack” that “insinuates a negative evalu-
ation of a candidate’s personal background.”1 While the character issue
often applies to a person’s personal behavior, particularly sexual, it is also
applied to an official’s public behavior, particularly with respect to truth-
fulness and consistency. But the issue of character is much broader than
these negative aspects of campaign invective.
This book takes the character issue seriously. Too often in campaign
rhetoric the phrase is used as a political weapon to impugn the integrity
of an opponent. Op-ed pieces also use the phrase to connote negative
traits. In the popular press, character is seldom used in a rigorous man-
ner with specific meaning, though it often implies sex and lies. This book
takes the idea of character seriously by examining several traits that are
considered essential to the integrity of a person’s character: truthfulness,
sexual fidelity, consistency, and promise keeping. Since these traits are
widely used in judging presidential character, I take them up in order to
put some content into them by being specific about how recent presiden-
tial behavior measures up in these categories.
 4 : THE CHARACTER FACTOR

The Importance of Character

Presidential character is manifestly important. The values, principles, and

habits of behavior that mark an individual strongly influence that person’s
behavior, and the stakes are very high in the U.S. presidency. President
Reagan’s speechwriter, Peggy Noonan, states it cogently, if excessively: “In
a president, character is everything. A president doesn’t have to be bril-
liant; Harry Truman wasn’t brilliant, and he helped save Western Europe
from Stalin. He doesn’t have to be clever; you can hire clever. . . . But you
can’t buy courage and decency, you can’t rent a strong moral sense. A
president must bring those things with him.”2
Commonsense and popular-usage definitions of character include
trustworthiness, fidelity, respect for others, willingness to accept respon-
sibility, self-restraint, and compassion. The problem with applying the
commonsense approach to presidents is that it is difficult to set aside one’s
own partisan preferences and apply the same criteria evenhandedly to
presidents of both parties.
One problem is that the desirability of many character traits depends
upon the historical circumstance. We admire loyalty, but should presi-
dents remain loyal to old friends who, through their bad behavior, may
jeopardize their presidencies, as in the Harding and Truman administra-
tions? We admire honesty, but should Franklin Roosevelt have been com-
pletely honest in his public evaluation of the U.S. economy in the depths
of the Depression, or was it better to encourage optimism in the face of
such adversity? Should Eisenhower have been publicly honest about his
private doubts about the wisdom of the Supreme Court decision in Brown
v. Board of Education? We admire consistency and conviction, but Lyndon
Johnson did not get much political credit for sticking with an increas-
ingly unpopular war in Vietnam. Should Richard Nixon have shunned a
historic opportunity to open relations with China in order to be consis-
tent with his earlier political principles?3
Presidents must make tough decisions when the stakes are high, and
many lives may be at risk. Their reactions in such situations are based not
merely on the expert advice they get but also on their inner strengths and
weaknesses. The values and principles that they have internalized, their
instincts and character, matter, as the following examples illustrate:
 Judging Presidential Character : 5

• Franklin Roosevelt’s optimism helped the United States weather

the Great Depression, and his resolve helped lead the Allies to
victory in World War II.
• Harry Truman had to decide how to use the newly invented
atomic bomb in ending World War II.
• Dwight Eisenhower resisted strong political pressures to provoke
military confrontations in Korea, China, Vietnam, and the Soviet
Union.
• When John Kennedy confronted Nikita Khrushchev in the
Cuban missile crisis, he combined toughness with restraint and
allowed Khrushchev to back down without losing face and
possibly lashing back with a nuclear strike.
• When Lyndon Johnson decided to put all of his political capital
behind the 1964 Civil Rights Act, he made a decision that would
hurt the Democrats in the South but would move the United
States closer to justice.
• Richard Nixon disappointed many of his conservative supporters
when he made his historic trip to China.
• Gerald Ford risked his reelection prospects when he decided that
pardoning Richard Nixon was in the best interests of the country.
• By compromising with the Senate, Jimmy Carter was able to
fight the Panama Canal Treaty through to ratification.
• When Ronald Reagan faced the Soviet Union he was firm in his
stance against Communism, but he was open to cooperation
with Gorbachev in ending the Cold War.
• George Bush Sr. skillfully put together the coalition that won the
Persian Gulf War, tenaciously conducted the war, and used
restraint at the end, when U.S. forces could have killed many
thousands of Iraqi soldiers who were unable to defend them-
selves.
• Bill Clinton confronted unanimous Republican resistance and
disappointed many of his own campaigners in pushing through
his 1993 deficit-reduction package.
• In the aftermath of the terrorist attacks of 9/11 George W. Bush Jr.
symbolized the nation’s determination to defeat terrorism and led
the United States to end the reign of the Taliban regime in
Afghanistan. In 2003 he used his power and popularity to send
U.S. forces to defeat Saddam Hussein and occupy Iraq.
 6 : THE CHARACTER FACTOR

One might disagree with the wisdom of the judgment of these presidents
in the preceding situations, but it is hard to deny that the character of the
different presidents affected the outcomes of these highly contentious and
historic turning points. Their decisions could not be fully predicted from
campaign promises or good intentions, and the outcomes were not de-
termined merely by historical forces and circumstances. Character counts.
Character also counted when Richard Nixon decided to systematically
cover up the Watergate “horrors” and when Bill Clinton decided to deny
that he had had an affair with Monica Lewinsky.
There is a widespread consensus in American politics that presiden-
tial character is just as important as intellect, organizational abilities, tele-
vision presence, or effectiveness in public speaking. Public-opinion polls
show widespread agreement on the importance of character in the life of
the polity. But just as striking is the lack of clear content to the term.
From eighty-one to ninety-five percent of respondents agree that the
following are important attributes of good character: obeying those in
positions of authority, following your own conscience, sacrificing your
own interests for the good of others, protecting your own interests, stick-
ing to your own principles no matter what, and enjoying yourself.4 It is
immediately evident that these aspects of character are often mutually
exclusive.
From a historical perspective, “Fame is a vapor, popularity an acci-
dent, riches take wing, and only character endures,” in Horace Greeley’s
words.5 From the perspective of American politics Fred Greenstein
argues, “the personalities of presidents are as integral a part of the Ameri-
can political system as the constitutionally mandated instruments of
government. . . . [O]ne need only think of the natural counterfactuals
that are provided by the possible substitution of presidents with their
vice presidents.”6 The American political system, perhaps more than a
parliamentary system, is dependent upon the fundamental makeup of
the individuals who are chosen to be its chief executive.
From the perspective of citizen voters, character is crucial because no
one can predict the situations that will confront a president once in office.
The issues that were pressing in a campaign may no longer be important,
and the promises made in a campaign may not be appropriate for new
circumstances. New and unforeseen crises may face the country. No one
predicted, for instance, the terrorist attacks on the United States in .
Thus it is more important to select an individual who will apply a sound
set of principles and values in unexpected circumstances, someone who
 Judging Presidential Character : 7

citizens can be confident will make the right decision. Robert Teeter, the
first President Bush’s pollster said, “Voters know that the issues a presi-
dent will have to face will change in time. But his character will always be
there.”7
Character is particularly important in the presidency because the is-
sues reaching the president are often of great consequence and hotly con-
tested. Compelling arguments buttress all sides of the issues; if the issues
were simple, they would have been decided at lower levels. According to
Alexander and Juliette George, “The need to act on important matters
that are characterized by uncertainty and value complexity can be the
source of considerable stress for a president.”8 Thus the deeper roots of
presidential behavior, that is, character, come into play at the most cru-
cial times in a presidency.

Public versus Private Morality

In judging presidents we must consider the possible differences between

private and public morality. In some cases public leaders may not be bound
by the same ethical strictures as those that constrain people acting in pri-
vate life. Machiavelli argued that leaders are duty bound to violate the
mores of private relationships if doing so will help them serve the stabil-
ity of the state.9 This book posits that national leaders are not bound by
the normal bonds of private morality when, in certain circumstances,
they take actions that are necessary for the protection of the national se-
curity. For example, lying about the location of U.S. troops or the timing
of military operations would be legitimate if it were necessary to protect
the safety of our military forces (presuming that the military action has
been taken in accord with accepted constitutional processes).10 Of course,
a private citizen could also justifiably lie in such circumstances.
On the other hand, one can argue that public leaders have additional
duties to act ethically because of their public office. The consequences for
individuals of acting unethically (in addition to the harm they may cause
others) are the tarnishing of their reputation and the bad example they
might set for those who are aware of their bad behavior. But the conse-
quences for public figures, and especially presidents, for acting unethi-
cally are multiplied manyfold. Richard Posner argues that presidents have
dual responsibilities: executive moral duties and exemplary moral duties.11
Executive moral duties result from their constitutional duties as presi-
dent and include the diligent and prudent exercise of their obligations as
Another Random Scribd Document
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The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, or the
London Charivari, Vol. 108, May 25, 1895
 This ebook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and
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this eBook.

Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 108, May 25, 1895

Author: Various

Editor: F. C. Burnand

Release date: February 9, 2014 [eBook #44850]

Most recently updated: October 24, 2024

Language: English

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*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON

CHARIVARI, VOL. 108, MAY 25, 1895 ***
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON
CHARIVARI.
Volume 108, May 25th, 1895.

edited by Sir Francis Burnand

STUDIES IN ANIMAL LIFE.

Uncle Toby and the Widow Wadman, as they might have been.
 ["Uncle Toby and Widow Wadman." C. R. Leslie, R.A. Exhibited at the Royal
Academy in 1831.]

A Mark against Denmark.—At the beginning of last week it was midsummer

weather, and not to have cast off winter clothing and donned light attire
would have been deemed "Midsummer madness." But by Thursday "on a
changé tout cela," except the clothes, and we were in midwinter! The Daily
Telegraph's weather-clerk observed, that all "this resulted from a deep
depression in Denmark." It certainly caused deep depression here; and there
must be "something rotten in the State of Denmark" which ought to be looked
to immediately. Ere these lines appear we hope—sincerely hope—that we
shall have retraced our steps towards summer.

Query Suggested.—We read in the Financial Times that "A corner in

camphor is, it is stated, being arranged." Is to be in "a corner in
camphor" as good as being "laid up in lavender"?
 A CENTURY OF CENTURIES.
[By scoring 288 in the match Gloucester v. Somerset at
Bristol, on May 17, Mr. W. G. Grace, now nearing his
47th birthday, made his hundredth innings of 100 runs
or over in first-class matches.]

"O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!"

Sang Punch on the seventeenth instant May,
With a true Jabberwockian chortle,
As he saw the swipe, on the Bristol ground,
Which worked Grace's hundred of centuries round;
A record ne'er equalled by mortal.

"My beamish boy"—of nigh forty-seven—

There isn't a cheerier sight under heaven
Than W. G. at the wicket.
When your "vorpal" bat "goes snicker-snack,"
Punch loves to lie, with a tree at his back,
And watch what he calls Cricket.

And now, as a topper of thirty years,

After many hopes, and a few faint fears.
(Which Punch never shared for a jiffy.)
You've done the trick! Did your pulse beat quick
As you crept notch by notch within reach of the nick?
Did even your heart feel squiffy?

Punch frankly owns his went pit-a-pat

While he followed the ball and watched your bat
As the nineties slowly tottled;
And the boys of the Bristol Brigade held breath,
In an anxious silence as still as death.
But oh! like good fizz unbottled,

We all "let go" with a loud "hooray"

As the leather was safely "put away"
For that hundredth hundred. Verily,
Now you're the "many centuried" Grace!
And for many a year may you keep top place,
Piling three-figure innings right merrily!

Game from the Highlands.—A "Scotch Golfer of Twenty Years' Standing"

(poor man! he certainly ought to be invited to take the chair at any
Golf meeting!) writes to the Liverpool Daily Post complaining that
novices in England will persist in sounding the letter "l" in the title of
the sport, "although on every green from John o' Groats to Airlie it
remains silent in the mouth of player and caddie alike." As the Golfer
"puts" it, the name should be "goff," or even "gowf." As long as there
is plenty of acreage for the game, an "ell" is not worth mentioning.

Musical Note of "Herr Willy Burmester"—or "Our" Willy. "Bless

you!" as the old salt said; "he fiddles like a angel!" Of course,
like all violinists, the hair of his head is peculiar, but his airs on
his violin are marvellous in execution.

University Privilege not generally known.—When a

resident Oxonion is suffering from a bronchial attack he
is entitled to the professional attendance (gratis) of
"The Curators of the Chest."

Extra-ordinary Self-annihilating Cannibals.—Children, when they over-eat

themselves.

THE WAIL OF THE WALWORTH WOTER.

["Many of our men have certainly been got at."—Walworth Liberal Agent.]

"Got at," my boy? Well, that's a fack;

Yet not by Lansbury, Reade, or Bailey.
But by the burdens on our back,
As seem a-gettin' heavier daily.
Trade's bloomin' bad, and rents is high;
Yet more and more the Guv'ment axes.
Progress, old man, is all my heye,—
As means raised rents, and rates, and taxes.
School Boards, Free Liberies, an' such,
With County Council schemes, look proper;
When they too 'ard poor pockets touch
On them the poor must put a stopper.
Fust we 'ave got to live, I say;
To pay our way, and grub our young 'uns.
Will Rads make that more easier, hay,
Than wot you call "Bible and Bung'uns"?
By Jingo, if you want our wotes,
You'll git 'em, not by playing peeper,
Or wetoing beer from our poor throats;
But—making life easier and cheaper!
Got at? Wy, yus, by want o' grub,
And rents an' taxes too extensive;
And so we'll weto—not the Pub,
But "Progress" wot comes too expensive!

Parties in the House of Commons.—Besides the usual number of parties, there

will always be, during the fine summer weather, Tea-parties.

Contradiction.—Tremendous "Crushing Reports" come in from the mines, and,

in spite of this, mining shares are better than ever.
 HERCULES AND OMPHALE; OR, PETTICOAT GOVERNMENT.

Hercules (Prince Bismarck). "I believe that Female sympathy with our Political
Institutions is a much stronger Bulwark against Social Democracy than our Revolution
Bill would have been if it had been passed." (See Daily Papers.)
 New Assistant (after hair-cutting, to Jones, who has been away for a couple of
weeks). "Your 'Air is very thin be'ind, Sir. Try Singeing!"

Jones (after a pause). "Yes, I think I will."

N. A. (after singeing). "Shampoo, Sir? Good for the 'Air, Sir."

Jones. "Thank you. Yes."

N. A. "Your Moustaches curled?"

Jones. "Please."

N. A. "May I give you a Friction?"

Jones. "Thank you."

N. A. "Will you try some of our——"

Manager (who has just sighted his man, in Stage whisper). "You Idiot! He's a
Subscriber!!"
 WAITING FOR NASRULLA.
["The original arrangements for Nasrulla Khan's reception in London have
undergone considerable alteration."—Daily Paper.]

"Of course we ought to act on precedent." said Wise Man Number One. "We
can't be far out if we do that."

"I am not so sure," replied Number Two of the Series. "When the Shah came
over we gave him a prize-fight at Buckingham Palace, and the entertainment
subsequently caused much hostile criticism in Clapham."

"It is to be regretted," sighed the Third, "that the Polytechnic Institution no

longer exists. It would have amused his Highness to have descended in the
diving bell."

"No doubt," put in the initial speaker; "but something of the same effect
might be obtained by conducting Nasrulla either to the Museum of Mines in
Jermyn Street or the Diploma Gallery at Burlington House."

"Quite so. And what do you say to the Natural History Museum, and a special
visit in semi-state to the top of the Monument?"

This suggestion was well received. Then a trip to Kew, and a ride on the
Elephant at the Zoo were considered not unfavourably.

"Shall he go to any of the theatres?" was the next question.

"It may be a little dangerous to his morals if he understands English," seemed

to be the popular answer.

Then a visit to a music-hall under the immediate supervision of the London

County Council was proposed.

Then a Wise Man (less sage than the majority of his fellows) proposed a little
"slumming."

"He might visit the East End, and pass a night in a Casual Ward."
Fortunately for the honour of the British Empire the proposal was negatived
without the formality of a division.

"Could he be exhibited at a side show, either at Sydenham, Earl's Court, or

West Kensington?"

Again there was a shout of "No." The visit of the Representative of the Ameer
was not to be made a source of income to the Imperial, or, if it came to that,
any other Exchequer.

"Besides," said the initial speaker, "the British Public does not care for paying
for its raree-show. When we do get hold of a native, we like to find him on
view free, gratis and for nothing."

Then it was agreed that Nasrulla should appear at the Queen's Birthday
Parade, and other "features" were discussed with animation.

"But what the Khan will ultimately do, Sir," murmured an experienced official
at the conclusion of the confab, "only Time can show—with the assistance of
the Government."

A New Terror.—Politics on the stage. In Enry Hauthor Jones's Bauble

Shop at the Criterion we were taken into the House of Commons and
got somehow mixed up with Party Politics; but in The Home
Secretary, Mr. Carton, it appears, has attempted to drag his
audience, with Mr. Charles Wyndham, into the inner circle of
Parliamentary life. What next? A debate on the Budget in Four Acts?
Or shall we have, in five Parliamentary Acts, with a Prologue and
Epilogue, the Comedy with a short Jonesian title called Home Rule
for Ireland: or, how the O'Reillys, the Maguires, and the Kellys went
into the Opposition Lobby, and how one Government came in and
the other went out, &c. &c.? Save us from politics on the stage!
There was just enough of the political element in Dora to give it a
peculiar interest. But then Dora was written by Victorien Sardou.

Royal Military Tournament.—The initials being "R. M. T." will not

be descriptive of the state of the seats in the Agricultural Hall
during the performance. The announcement will be "Are Quite
Full," not "R. M. T."
 Quotation for Londoner last week, on seeing the Duke of York in Pall Mall.—"I
know that man, he comes from Sheffield."

The New Coins.—It was announced that the reverse was to have been altered.
On the contrary, it is quite the reverse.

CLASSIC QUOTATIONS ILLUSTRATED.

(For the Use of Schools.)

Example II.—"Palmam qui meruit ferat."

 THE POET AND HIS INTERVIEWERS.
I do not dwell in a back-attic with the windows pasted up with brown paper,
neither do I wallow up to my eyes in a litter of manuscript with flue on the
carpet and dust on all the furniture. If ye, or the Public, have any such
impression, ye are very much mistaken. I may be a literary person and a
prose-poet; but I live quite respectably, and have everything handsome about
me. Come and see!

Ye will find the doorsteps freshly scoured, and the door-handle brightly
polished—which ye will make a note of after ye have rung the bell.

A trim parlourmaid—whom ye will allude to as "a neat-handed Phyllis"—will

open the door, and request ye to wipe your dirty boots upon the doormat in
the passage—which ye are expected to mention as the "spacious entrance
hall."

I shall stand on the threshold of my dining-room, and receive ye with as much

surprise as if the visit were not by previous appointment; shall accompany ye
through all my rooms, and tell ye interesting facts about the china and the
chimney ornaments. I shall not object to your bringing a camera and taking
views of my "cosy corner" and my hat and umbrella-stand.

They are exactly like those of everybody else, so they are sure to be pleasing
to an art-loving Public.

Ye will find in the drawing-room the perfume of many flowers—provided I do

not forget to send out for some penny bunches of violets beforehand—and ye
can take a photograph of the cottage piano and my pet canary (which usually
has its habitation in the kitchen, as I loathe all birds—but this is not for
publication).

I will show ye the stand of wax-flowers fashioned by my maternal

grandmother—which will give ye an opportunity of commenting upon the
heredity of genius in my talented family—and ye may peer into the silver
épergne that was presented to my Uncle at the Cattle Show for a prize pig. Ye
will probably think it necessary to make a copy of the inscription.
In the study—to which I shall humorously allude as my "den"—there is little of
general interest except my old carpet slippers. Mayhap ye will point to a few
pipes that lie on the mantelpiece; but they are merely "properties," for the
public expects all striking literary personalities to write with pipes in their
mouths.

Come to me! I fear ye not. It is ye who confer celebrity. I know ye so well. I

shall follow ye out into the garden, and ye shall carry stylographs in your
waistcoat pockets, and I will relate to ye my early literary experiences, give ye
my theories on the Social Question, and let ye kodak my child in its
perambulator.

I know ye; ye will convey a totally false impression of my views, which I shall
have to write to all the leading journals to correct. Ye will force me into the
publicity and self-advertisement from which my sensitive soul shrinks. Ye will
describe the insides of my rooms, for the benefit of the buzzing swarm which
has hitherto shown no overwhelming curiosity concerning the insides of my
works.

Still, I do not mind your coming, provided that ye give me an opportunity of

revising a proof of the interview. Ye are necessary nuisances.
 BETWEEN THE LINES.
["The insertion of advertisements at enhanced prices in the very body of
a magazine is the noblest achievement of journalistic enterprise. This
intrinsically beautiful idea, however, admits of considerable development
in the near future, unless, as is improbable, the reading public declines to
take its romantic literature in piebald strata."—The Type Worm.]

A TWENTIETH CENTURY IDYLL.

Lazily, dreamily, we floated down the pellucid stream,
Aspasia at the single thwart, I, her loved one, at the tiller.
The last gleaner had left the fields. Over the grave of the
dead sun I saw the eye of Hesperus, early and
thoughtful. The words of the Poet Laureate came back to
me; it seemed that "in yonder Orient star a hundred
spirits whispered

[KEEP YOUR HAIR ON! Try our own Fertiliser.

The Next-of-Kin-but-One to the
Hohenpfefferkorn dynasty writes:—"I have
tried your lotion for a vacancy in the crown,
and should in all human probability have succeeded,
but for the birth of an infant in the direct line. Make
what use of this you like. It has been none to me."]

"Peace!" Now the light shallop trembled to the stroke of ASPASIA'S sculls, and
the brawny muscles lifted beneath her flannel suiting. Myself so frail, I adore
the pride and prowess of womanhood, that moves through the world
conquering and to conquer. This life of the open air, so free, so expansive,
that despises the thought of

[COHESIVE CORSETS.—Supply the want, or disguise

the existence, of adipose deposit. Send immediately a
plaster cast of your bust. Insure against fracture in the
Parcel Post.]
control or seclusion, how different from that of men, studiously repressed in a
hothouse atmosphere of fashion and traditional proprieties. We only guess of
their world from hearsay or from books. And most of these are by women for
women, and Papa says they are not fit for innocent men to read. And so we
have to be content to study dress and the lures that fascinate the other sex.
But they—they go forth to fight our battles, make our laws, have their part in
the stir and excitement of

[THE BENEFICENT COVER SYSTEM.—You pay your

money and we pocket it. No further liabilities whatever.]

the world, while we sit at home and tattle over the tea-things and marry when
we're asked. And, à propos, how I longed to tell Aspasia that my heart is hers!
But I am a man; it was for her to speak.

At last she pulled herself together with the self-assurance of a woman who
knows that

[OUR MATCHES STRIKE ONLY ON THE TROUSERS.]

the weaker sex is at her mercy. "Dear Ariel," she began, and her deep
mulierile notes vibrated through my fluttering chest; "dear Ariel, this halcyon
eve, this ethereal air that breathes the subtle incense of eucalyptus—all, all,
invite me to offer you

[LITTLE TEASERS.—For the liver. As used in the Russo-

Japanese negotiations. The Arch-Prince General von
Schplitviski sends us the following despatch:
—"Plenipotentiary Ita Bino had a difference with me on
the question of a peninsula. Two of your LITTLE
TEASERS, however, came home to him, and he is now
more amenable. You have my authority for stating that
your system of internal adjustment has averted a
disastrous and even stupid war."
[Left advertising.
 OPERATIC NOTES.
Opening of Opera. Monday, May 13.—Crowded house. Grand Otello Co.
unlimited. The Orchestra has been sunk four feet, thus giving Stalls clear view
of stage. Druriolanus proposes a puzzler "Orchestra lowered," he says, "yet all
performers in it hired!" Royal Highnesses present. Druriolanus, taking happy
musical publishers' points of view, looks towards Royal Box and murmurs
"'Royalties' on music." Albani surpasses herself as Desdemona: quite wonder
that Otello-Tamagno has the heart to smother her with pillow after her song
about the willow. Signor Pessina as Iago: rather a ponderous villain. Pecuniary
operatic prospects exceptionally good: at all events, possessing Jean de Reszke,
Tamagno, and Bertran, Druriolanus has "three tenners" in hand to start with.

Tuesday.—Boïto's Mefistofele. "An opera

that 'grows on you,'" says Lounger in the
Lobby. "If there were a probability of
many such growing on you, my dear
Lounger," quoth Sir Druriolanus, with
satirical affability, "you would be worth
cultivating." The advantage of a long
opera, with disconnected acts, is, that
you can "pick 'em where you like," as
the coster says of the walnuts, and
come in anywhere for something good.
Maggie Macintyre is "getting a big girl
now." Charming as Margherita and La
Vocal and Orchestral. Marguerite and
Strauss.
belle Hélène. Signor de Lucia a rather
timorous and bashful Faust, with one
eye for Maggie and the other for Nelli
(short for Mancinelli), as if praying the latter to conduct him safely and keep
him from temptation to go wrong. Faust in situation of Toole in The
Houseboat, when he used to exclaim, "Sarah! I'm slipping!" Plançon equally
good as Jupiter or Mefistofele; this time it is Mefisto.

Wednesday.—Le Prophète. In spite of name, unprofitable opera. Signor

Tamagno (or familiarly Tam Agno), as Jean of Leyden, rather over-laden, but
bearing burthen bravely. Tam receives big encore in Star-spangled Banner
Hymn. The two Corsis and Castelmary ably represent Liberator Firm of Jonas,
Zaccaria, Mathisen & Co., always ready to draw on their false prophet in order
to save their own credit. Two Corsis and dessert to follow. Beaming Bevignani
conducts invisible orchestra.

Thursday.—Sudden change from summer to winter. Comparatively thin house.

Ladies as wrapperees in furs. Everyone welcoming Pagliacci, or the Mummers,
as pantomime suitable to season. In spite of this, warm welcome to Pagliacci
and to Madame Fanny Moody as Nedda. She is quite the character: Moody yet
lively. Ancona and De Lucia good and dramatic as ever as Tonio and Canio.
Début of Miss Marie Engle, who, whether German or French, will be a favourite
with the Engle-ish, starting uncommonly well as Little Bo-Peep-Baucis. King
Jove-Plançon and Vulcan-Castelmary, the limping Olympian, excellent as
usual. Everyone suffering from wintry blasts in stalls envies Vulcan rubbing his
hands and warming himself at Bonnard-Philémon's fire. Such a night in May is
enough to knock any piece to shivers. The conductors of the operatic 'bus
were, for the first journey, Soothing Seppilli; and for the second, Beaming
Bevignani.

Friday.—Still wintry. Italian-German opera Lohengrin, with Cosmopolitan

Caste, going stronger than ever. House full and fully satisfied. Hard to please
if it had not been so, with Albani as Elsa,—(says Wagstaff, affecting a drawl,
"Nobody else-a can touch her in this"),—Jupiter-Plançon as a King, not of
gods but men, and Bertran, from La Scala, as a First-Knight Lohengrin. As to
intruder Ortruda and Terrible Telramonda, these heavy weights are lifted by
Mlle. Olitzka and Signor Ancona. Monarchical Mancinelli treats Time like a dusty
carpet, beating it strongly.

Saturday.—Crowded house to welcome old friend Trovatore. Pessina as the

wicked nobleman; and Tamagno—now known as "Tam"—in splendid voice for
the Trovatore himself. "Tam" doubly encored after "Di quella pira." Julia Ravogli
not quite the Azucena. Mlle. Bauermeister's first appearance this season: as
heroine's sympathetic companion Bauermeister combines the "utile" with the
"dulce." Maggie Macintyre vocally good, dramatically puzzling. House happy:
Druriolanus delighted. Fine finish to first week.
 ROUNDABOUT READINGS.
There is only one Parish Council in England which is
presided over by a lady. Her name is Jane
Shakespeare, and she rules the parochial
deliberations of Netherseal in Leicestershire. No
doubt it will be found by her councillors that Jane
hath a way with her, and thus she will be brought
into line with her illustrious namesake.

[At Gamlingay, in Cambridgeshire, Mr. Dew

declined to undertake the duties of cemetery
superintendent for a salary of £5, and Mr.
Howe was consequently appointed to the
post.]

Mr. Dew, when he heard of the offer, looked blue;

He considered a fiver was less than his due.
How do it? The question gave rise to no row,
For Miss Echo replied, and her answer was Howe.

Congratulations to Mr. F. Mitchell, of Cambridge University, on his innings of

191 runs against Somerset.

The men of the county had studied their pitch ill;

They did what they could, but they couldn't bowl
Mitchell.
His masterly cutting the bowlers appals,
For the grass being short, he makes hay of their balls.

A writer in The Manchester Guardian declares that the main road

between Bolton and Bury is in a shocking condition. What is the road
between Bolton and Bury? Bolton suggests that he who fights and
runs away lives to fight another day, but Bury seems to indicate a
 path of glory leading to the grave—which things are a paradox. In
any case, I endorse the writer's suggestion—

That Alderman Hulton should harness his colt on,

And drive o'er the road between Bury and Bolton.
The chock-holes and paving are terrible—very,
And he may find his tomb e'er he comes back to Bury.

There was a gas explosion the other day in Dublin at the house of a
Mr. Atock. The report states that Mr. Atock's injuries were dressed and
he and his family afterwards left for the house of Mr. Atock senior, at
Phibsborough. Phœbus, what a name! As the capital city of the
regions of, shall we say, perverted veracity, nothing could be fitter. In
any case, condolences to Mr. Atock. Is the Blarney stone in
Phibsborough?

What is "dockisation"? Whatever it is, they have been

debating upon it at Bristol, and the proceedings are
described as "decidedly lively." The protagonists were
Mr. de Ridder and Alderman Proctor Baker.

Dockisation, I think, is a question of docks,

And at Bristol it lately gave rise to hard knocks.
"Let's be rid of a scheme which is bad for the town,"
Said de Ridder, whose statements excited a frown.
But they smiled on beholding this argument-maker
By a Proctor well caught and done brown by a Baker.

LEEDS LEADS!
Or, Welcome News from the North.

["The tenor of market reports concerning all the main

industries out of which the citizens of Leeds make their
living ... suggests the advent of a turn for the better,
commercially, that may almost claim to rank as an
industrial revolt."—The Yorkshire Post.]
Hooray! Food for hope the Tyke Town surely yields.
The "Sun of York" shines on the Cardigan Fields
(Which now should be called the Elysian).
The Capitalist and the Builder unite
To throw light upon Leeds. Let's sing, "Leeds! kindly light!"
(Which we hope will not shock the precisian.)
Oh! Bradford and Huddersfield, Dewsbury, Batley!—
(These Yorkshire names fall into rhythm most patly)—
Your returns and reports Trade is heeding,
In hope that the storm, like the North, we may weather,
With Walker and Sons (there is nothing like leather!),
Those great "Men of (Leeds) Light and Leading!"

Appropriate.—Fixed service for "Tied Houses" should be the bounden duty of

Tide-waiters.

AN EMBARRASSING QUESTION.

"Why have you got such a Bare Neck, Mummie?"

"I'm going to a Dance, Darling. One has to dress like this for a Dance!"

"Do the Ladies dance in one Room, and the Gentlemen in another, Mummie?"
 THE PREMIER'S CRUISE.
Portsmouth, Monday.—Thank heaven! Got rid of politics for a season. Off to
Cowes, as guest of Spencer, on board Enchantress. Admirable institution, an
Admiralty yacht; reconciles one to Naval Estimates, almost. But there!—must
not think of Estimates now. Must try and remember this is a holiday, to get
ozone and sleep—especially sleep.

Cowes.—Spencer really very nautical. Talks of fast cruisers and water-tube

boilers all the time. Great on torpedo-destroyers. Says the Havoc "goes
twenty-five knots an hour." Well then, why can't Harcourt get up the same
pace with our Bills? Wish he'd turn into a Parliamentary Havoc. Mention this to
Spencer, who laughs, and says, "It's the Opposition who indulge in twenty-five
Nots an hour." Believe Spencer means it as a joke. Turn in, and think of
Harcourt and Spencer's joke and Twin-Screw Cabinets and Water-veto-boiler
Bills. Wretched night!

Portland, Tuesday Morning.—Rather unfair of Spencer. Now he's got me safely

on board, he's always trying to persuade me that Navy wants more money
spent on it. More money! Refer him to Harcourt, the "inexorable Jorkins." Try
to hide from Spencer. No good. He finds me behind a coil of rope on half-
quarter-deck—is it half-quarter-deck? Not sure, and don't like to ask—and
begins again. Seems he would like a few more millions for guns. Thought we
had heaps of guns. Talks about a ship he calls The Hecckler. What a name!
Reminds me of every political meeting I've ever attended. Why will Lords of
Admiralty give such names? Spencer explains—seems it's Hecla, not Hecckler.
Oh! All right. Fear Spencer begins to think me rather a land-lubber. Got me at
an advantage here. Wait till I take him to Newmarket Heath!

Off Plymouth.—Down in engine-room. Tell head stoker that House of Lords is

an effete institution. Stoker winks. Can he be a Tory? Tell him it's a "gilded
prison." Stoker seems surprised, and asks, "Why I don't chuck it up, then?"
Curious—no repartee handy. And I am so good at them, generally. Must
consult "Fridoline," traduit de l'Anglais de "Happy Thoughts," to see what
would be a "repartee to a stoker." Bed. Spencer won't hear of it as bed; talks of
"turning-in to his bunk." What an enthusiastic "First Lord" Spencer does make!
Thinking of First Lord, wonder who'll be Last Lord? Go on wondering till dawn.
What a noise swabbing the deck makes! Wish I were back at the Durdans!

Scilly Islands, Wednesday.—Blue sea, lovely weather. Delightful to have left all
worries, all politics, far behind, and to—— Boat seen approaching from land.
Man says he has a telegram for me! Oh, hang telegrams! Wish I were well out
at sea. What can it be about? Japan? Siam? Chitral? No. Only to tell me result
of Walworth and West Dorset elections! Hem! Seems I am at sea—politically.
Thoughtless of Asquith to have wired me on the subject. Homer handsomely
beaten. Why didn't he stick to his Iliad? And Reade—deserves the Old Bailey
for being licked by the new one! Question now is—where's our majority? Ask
Spencer. Spencer replies it's "as plain as a marlinspike." Says Walworth lost
because not enough money spent on Navy. Assures me Navy "much more
important than Army; in fact, it's the Predominant Partner." This is too much!
Ask Spencer, as a favour, to maroon me on some desolate isle—say Lundy.
Won't do it. Bribe a sailor. Landed at Lizard. Off to town! Next time I want sea
air, shall run down to Clacton on the "Belle."

Oxford Degrees.—Certainly Messrs. Dan Leno and Albert Chevalier

should have Masterships of Arts conferred on them. The "Voces
Stellarum" at the Oxford Observatory (otherwise Music Hall) are well
worth hearing. Mr. Burnett (J. P.) has just issued a brochure on this
Music-Astronomical subject, chiefly remarkable for a brief essay on
"The Pantomimic Art," by Paul Martinetti, whose right to speak on
such a theme, as an authority, may be arrived at by any one who
sees this most artistic pantomimist in a short melodramatic piece—a
piece which thoroughly tells its own tale without words—now being
performed nightly at the Oxford. It is admirable. If action can do so
much, then why not a Shakspearian play in action, and "the student"
could read the words to himself at home? We recommend the idea to
Mr. Paul Martinetti, and should advise him to re-arrange Don Quixote,
as "a piece without words," for Mr. Henry Irving, who now looks and
acts the part to perfection; the piece itself might then be of the
actor, that is,—if action were substituted for its very poor dialogue.

Politics à la Perkyn Middlewick.—The Radical wire-pullers now

regard the middle-class Walworth voters (for Mr. Bailey) as "Shop
'uns," and the county division which returned Colonel Williams as
"inferior Dosset"!
"GREAT CRY AND LITTLE WO(O)L-MER!"
Bathing Woman. "COME ALONG, MASTER SELBORNE, AND
TAKE YOUR DIP LIKE A LITTLE NOBLEMAN!"
 THE SCARLET PARASOL.
Scene I.—Terrace in front of quaint old country house. Viola Travers and Muriel
Vane on garden-chairs. Viola is twenty, dark-eyed, and animated; she holds a
scarlet parasol. Muriel is eighteen; she has very fair hair, parted with
puritanical precision; the naïve innocence of her manner is not without a
suggestion of artistic premeditation.

Muriel (embroidering). It is a marvel to me, Viola, that you can ever have a
discontented moment in a house so Elizabethan as this.

Viola. It is lovely, Muriel; a background for mystery and romance. And I have
no romance. I have everything else; but I have not a romance.

Muriel. You have Albert.

Viola. You know that Albert is not a romance.

Muriel. Once——

Viola. Ah, when everyone opposed our marriage. I married him for love, and
because he was poor and "unsuitable." How could I know that his uncle would
die and leave him money and a country house? Everything has turned out so
well! It is rather hard to have made "a good match," as they say, without
intending it. Of course, I never reproach him.

Muriel. No; you have been very nice about it.

Viola. Albert is perfectly happy, playing at being a country gentleman. He was

so amazed to find there were real ducks and fowls in the country—and
buttercups! He tells me everything. He boasts we tell each other everything.
Oh! I should so like to have some little thing to conceal from him—some
secret, just for fun! Of course I should tell him all about it afterwards, you
know.

Muriel. I am sure you would, dear. You have dropped your handkerchief.
(Muriel picks up handkerchief, book, and paper-knife,
and gives them to Viola.)
Viola. Dear Muriel, it is so nice to have you here. You are so calm, and
soothing, and decorative, and you never take anyone away from anyone else!

Muriel. I think I have been rather unfortunate lately, Viola. No one seems to
like me but middle-aged married men—often, too, with whiskers!

Viola. You mean poor Mr. Averidge? He has been married so long that he has
forgotten all about it. To-night Claude Mignon is coming to stay with us. He is
the most accomplished idiot in London. He sings, plays, paints, plays games,
flirts—I think his flirting, though, has rather gone off. It is getting mechanical.
By the way, have you an ideal, Muriel? I wonder what is your ideal?

Muriel (promptly and cheerfully). A man past his first youth, who has suffered;
with iron-grey hair and weary eyes, who knows everything about life and
could guide me, and would do exactly what I told him.

Viola. And mine is a young man of genius, just beginning life, with the world
before him, who would look up to me as an inspiration—a guiding star!

Muriel. You have dropped your handkerchief again, Viola. Who is this coming
out?

Viola. It is only Dr. Roberts. He has been to see Jane, the housemaid. She has
been rather ill.

Muriel. I suppose she had a housemaid's knee.

Viola. You are quite wrong. She had writer's cramp, poor thing!

Muriel. How absurd, Viola! How are you, Dr. Roberts!

[Dr. Roberts has iron-grey hair and dark eyes. As he
joins them Muriel leans down to pat a dog with all the
graceful self-consciousness of youth. Dr. Roberts looks
at Viola admiringly.

Viola. I hope poor Jane is better?

Dr. Roberts. Oh yes; she is quite out of the wood now, Mrs. Travers. In fact, I
don't think I need see her anymore. (Muriel looks up.) Perhaps though, I had
better just look in—say—on Thursday?

Viola. Do; and stay and have some tennis.

 [Dr. Roberts accepts with evident enthusiasm, and
takes leave with obvious regret.

Muriel (watching him drive away). Dr. Roberts admires you dreadfully. Is that a
romance?

Viola. For him perhaps—not for me! And it isn't a mystery!

[A telegram is brought in.

Viola. Oh, how delightful! Alan Roy, the wonderful boy harpist, is coming
down! He's coming by the early train! He'll be here directly!

Muriel. You never told me you had asked him! I suppose you forgot it—or
remembered it. Doesn't he profess to be even younger than he is? I mean,
when he was four, didn't he say he was three? I wonder if he'll come down in
a sailor-suit.

Viola. He's quite nineteen. Here are those tiresome Averidges again! I thought
I got rid of them for a long drive. (Aloud.) Ah! Here is dear Mr. Averidge!

Mr. Averidge (ponderously, to Muriel). And how is Miss Vane to-day? Looking
as she always does, like a rose in June.

Muriel (coldly). Yes, Mr. Averidge?

Viola (to Mrs. Averidge and Albert, who are coming up the steps of the
terrace). Alan Roy is coming down, the Alan Roy. He will be here directly.

Albert. All right, though I don't approve of child artists. Poor little chap!

Viola. He is very nearly quite grown up, Albert! He has golden hair and any
amount of usage du monde.

Muriel. Albert will call it cheek—I daresay!

Mrs. Averidge. He is most amusing. I met him at Lady Bayswater's. He looks

quite an angel playing the harp.

Albert. I hope he'll bring his halo in a hat-box. What is that text about "Young
lions do lack——"

Muriel. Oh, Albert!

 Servant. Master Alan Roy!

Albert (aside). Now, don't make the poor child

shy.
Enter Alan Roy. Tall young man, in light grey
suit. He wears a turned-down collar, a pink
button-hole, and carries a little stick.

Alan. How are you, Mrs. Travers? So sweet of

you to ask me! Isn't it a dear day!
[Greetings.

Mr. Averidge. And how did the infant prodigy

manage to get here all alone?

Alan. I pushed myself in a perambulator. Miss

Vane, you look like a Botticelli in a Paris dress.
I didn't bring my harp, does it matter?
[Chorus of sham disappointment and real
"Enter Alan Roy." relief.

Alan (smiling). It was dreadful of me! But I have been keeping the poor thing
up so late; I thought a rest——
[Lunch is announced. Muriel stoops to collect Viola's
handkerchief, &c.

Alan (to Viola). Oh, what a sweet scarlet parasol!

Curtain. End of Scene 1.

(To be continued.)

Neither Free Nor Easy.—The Larne Town Commissioners cannot make

up their minds whether they shall acquire the McGarel Town Hall
which apparently (to judge from a report in the Northern Whig)
appears to be in the market. The room, it seems, would be used for
a free library. The Committee, after a very lengthy discussion, have
adjourned the consideration of the question to some distant date for
 further information. In the meanwhile, no doubt, they will
appropriately adopt for the municipal motto "Live and Larne."

CYNIC TO POET.
[The great lack of the Age is its want of distinction."
Coventry Patmore.]

Alas, our poor Age! How against it we rage!

In the seat of the scorner the critics ne'er sat more.
If the pessimist bore would master her lore,
We've only to send him to Coventry—Patmore!
The bards do not love it. But how to improve it?
That question the poets, like that of the Sphinx,
shun.
Distinction my lad? If the Age is so bad,
I think its "great lack" is not that, but extinction!
'Tis easier far to abuse it than mend it,
Must we try Morley's other alternative—end it?

A Musical Note.—Such has been the success of Mlle. Yvette Guilbert,

that, on dit (French must be used when speaking of this lionne
comique), it is not improbable she will be engaged to appear in a
part in the forthcoming Sullivan Savoy Opera, in which the relation of
librettists to composer is to be as two to one. If this be so, then once
more at the Savoy will there be a Sullivan-and-Guilbert Combination.
 "WHITAKER."
[Mr. Joseph Whitaker, founder and chief proprietor of Whitaker's Almanack, died
on the 15th May, aged 75.]

Gone! His praises to rehearse

Might engage a friendly verse.
Time, for whom he did so much,
Surely dealt with gentle touch
With this man, of lucky star,
Who the famous calendar,
Schemed on an ingenious plan,
Gave to ever-grateful man.
Millions now would feel the lack
Of the wondrous Almanack.
To adapt Ben Jonson's phrase
To a worthy of our days,
One might say of our lost brother,
Death; ere thou hast slain another
Good and useful as was he,
"Time shall throw his dart at thee."

Champions.—Sir Edward Grey, M.P., ought to be a great acquisition at a

dance if his prowess as a tennis champion is any indication. "The
power with which he often finished the ball" was recently highly
praised. His opponent, Mr. Gribble, seems a dangerous man among
the ladies, having at Cambridge "won the singles." Quite a Pasha
among the "Love sets!" But he could only take one single out of the
singles he won.

Odd.—"Doctor Greef" is advertised to give three pianoforte

recitals. If his performance is equal to what we hear of his
promise, then those will experience considerable pleasure who
"come to Greef."
 Small but Harmonious Football Team for Summer.—"The Shinner Quartette."

WHAT OUR ARCHITECT HAS TO PUT UP WITH.

Our Architect (spotting Sixteenth Century gables). "That's an old bit of

work, my friend!"

"Oi, Sir, yeu be roight theer, that you be!"

O. A. (keen for local tradition). "You don't know exactly how old, I
suppose?"

"Well, noa, Sir; but Old it be! Whoi, I'se knowed it meself these noine
Years!"

ODE TO AN OVERCOAT.
(By a Shivery Person, in Spring-time.)

"Cast ne'er a clout till May be out,"

 The old Scotch proverb says.
Thee, did I doff, "Immensikoff,"
For three most sultry days.
But wind and dust, in gruesome gust,
Search bosom, back and throat;
And to my nose I button close
My fur-lined Overcoat.
The Merry May has such a way
Of blowing hot and cold,
That fur and cloth I'm always loth
Away, in Spring, to fold.
Gr-r-r! There's a blast! I'll hold thee fast
Dear friend on whom I doat;
Nor lay thee by till—say—July,
My own, my Overcoat!

Legal Note.—It is presumably unfortunate for the prisoner-at-the-bar

when, as is constantly announced in the papers, "Mr. So-and-So,
Q.C., will appear to defend Snooks." Hard on Snooks when his Counsel
only appears to defend him. But what a sweet surprise for the
unhappy Snooks should the Counsel, who only "appears to defend
him," really defend him and be victorious!

"Vox Clamantis."—The voice of the Claimant is heard once again.

No joke; no Wagga-Waggery. He is publishing his "Entire Life
and Full Confession" in the People newspaper. According to his
own statement, his claim to the Tichborne estates might be
described, not only as a fraud, but as a "Wapping" one.

TO A COUNTRY HOST.
(A Candid Answer to a Hospitable Invitation.)

You're kind enough to bid me spend

The "week-end" at your country seat,
You offer tennis and a friend
You feel I'm sure to like to meet.
I hope you will not think me rude—
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