Michelle.Pavlick Personal Topic Presentation

Editor's Notes

• #2: It all starts in the beginning, when we are young. How our parents taught us, raised us, and related to us, we learned how to approach life and what to expect. According to Berscheid (2003), “Evolutionary psychologists argue that social bonds not only predict happiness, they also are the single most important factor responsible for the survival of our species” (Axia College, 2004). Our parents teach us how to love, how to commit to someone or something, and they also teach us about ourselves. They guide us in this thing called life and if they are wrong, we struggle and seek for what is right.
• #3: Early on, my mother gave me a secure attachment; she was warm and responsive in the yearly years of my life. My biological father was not in my life; however, I did have a step father who had an impact on life since I was two-years-old. He was also very warm and responsive for the first few years. It was when I became a teenager that I noticed changes. They were no longer warm and responsive, but rather, ambivalent and inconsistent, at times appearing rejecting toward me. Closeness and care were present while I was growing up but the lack of commitment was evident. My mother never wanted children; she despised both me and my sister at times and was very vocal about this in times of upset. I began to question her love for me. Because I did not feel loved at home, I began seeking love from other sources who, I thought would give me what I needed and deserved. He was raised with a mother and father who beat him nearly every day. They did not show him affection but instead bought things for him to show their love for him. “Both nature…and nurture…contribute to attachment” (Axia College, 2004, p. 25). “…research indicates that the infant’s genetically based temperament can elicit different parental responses that in turn affect attachment style.” They were cold, rejecting, and inconsistent. He did not experience closeness, care, or commitment. At the age of 13, he was kicked out of the house. He was later diagnosed with major depression and bipolar type I. He had no idea how to love himself or others. All he knew was what he learned as a child - that he could only depend on himself, he was not worthy of love, and he did not deserve love but he had much love in his heart to give.
• #4: Every relationship I entered into, I complicated by wanting a long-term commitment from the start. I believed that a perfect mate was waiting for me; someone who was passionate, intimate (sharing his life with me), and desired a commitment as much as I did. Commitment rates high on my list of love’s crucial features. In a poll of 141 men and women, characteristics that were rated high on the list of crucial features include caring, happiness, and wanting to be with the other (each above 25 percent). Commitment is listed near the bottom at only 14 percent. (Axia College, 2004). After many failed attempts, I found the man who met the features of love with what I was searching for. The relationship flourished with romantic love. I desired him because of his looks, his maturity, and stability. The commitment I was seeking quickly followed.
• #5: According to Robert Sternberg (1988), The motivational component of love is passion; reflecting attraction, romance, and desire. Becoming close to one another, sharing stories, beliefs and values, one’s innermost thoughts, and building trust, are associated with intimacy. Commitment is the third component to building a consummate love, consisting of three types – moral, constraint, and personal. Our commitment to our relationship with one another has been a combination of all three at various times throughout the relationship. Many good, long-lasting relationships start with passion, building intimacy, and a growing commitment. Our relationship blossomed because we spent time with each other; talking, showing affection, sharing meaning, and expressing admiration to each other. However, we did not learn how to handle conflict constructively.
• #6: Clearly, two very different attachment styles, and yet we came together. “’Corrective’ relationship experiences, argues John Bowlby (1988), also foster more secure attachments. Given that the function of attachment is to attain security, change is more likely to occur in the direction of secure than insecure attachment” (Axia College, 2004 pg. 26, para. 3). We knew what we wanted to change, we knew how we did not want to become – like our parents; but we did not know how to go about making the necessary changes. We committed to each other with all that we had. We trusted blindly, cared deeply, and were completely honest with each other. This was the building block for our future success. It appeared so simple!
• #7: I can see the differences we have in each other and how they interact within our relationship. Because my parents were ambivalent and inconsistent, I have an anxious attachment style. “For anxious adults, love is an obsession; these adults are less trusting, demand reciprocation, and are generally more possessive and jealous” (Axia College, 2004. pg. 25, para. 1). Ironically, I view others as trustworthy, caring, and honest. However, when it comes to a romantic love, I have become emotional, angry, and fear he will leave. He views others as non-trustworthy, non-caring, and dishonest, fearing and questioning why they wanted to be around him. He has an avoidant attachment style, because his parents were cold and rejecting toward him.According to Axia College, Love (2004), “Avoidant adults tend to be less invested in relationships and more likely to leave them.” Some avoidant adults seem to be fearful of becoming close to another and yet others are dismissing, able to be self-sufficient and independent. Relationships with avoidant adults are marked by emotional highs and lows.
• #8: Our strivings in life were the same; we want happiness, commitment, and love. Although we have the same goals, we have different strivings and see things in life very differently. “Compared to people with predominately positive goals, people with mostly avoidant goals are more distressed and anxious” (Emmons & Kaiser, 1996). I boldly approach conflict with the desire to overcome whatever is standing in my way of happiness and success. I stay focused on my goal as he quietly retreats from conflict and avoids undesirable occurrences. Retreating and avoiding goals can cause a lower sense of well-being, suffering physical and mental distress, and are less likely to achieve goals because the focus is on avoiding negative outcomes instead of focusing on positive outcomes.
• #9: We have our own reasons for striving, to reach individual success or success for each other. According to Ryan & Deci, (2000), “People may be motivated to pursue a goal for four different reasons,” extrinsic, Introjected, identified, or intrinsic. I am more identified and intrinsic – important goals were taught to me by someone else and I enjoy the experiences I have when striving toward a goal because it is what I want. He is a combination of extrinsic and introjected - striving toward a goal because somebody else thinks it is a good idea and to avoid feeling anxious or guilty. Although we have different reasons for striving, both for the goal of our relationship and the goals of other things, we are both striving for the same outcome in our relationship.
• #10: The way we see ourselves is also quite different, as different as black and white. According to Myers (2002), “Our sense of self organizes our thoughts, feelings, and actions. Our self-concept affects our memories, present perceptions, and future goals” (Axia College, Self-Respect. pg. 139, para. 1). I have a large amount of self-respect for myself; this I believe comes from the community around me when I was young. He has been working on his increasing his self-respect because he was not valued as a child. To gain more self-respect, one must build on self-concept, self-esteem, humility, and practice self-forgetfulness.
• #11: “Our self-concepts include not only our current characteristics but also what we might become – our possible selves” (Axia College, 2004. pg. 139, para. 4). Culture and environment impacts how we view ourselves, and our self-concept. I view myself as worthy, valuable, and lovable; I look positively into the future and strive for success. When I was young, I relied on many people and the community around me to help me learn and grow. I trusted I could count on others around me, like my friends, to help me in tough times. Although I trusted the community would also help me, the community did not support me as a young child. Because of this, I strive to make a difference in my community, to help those who need help, not because of my own success alone but rather the success of the community as a whole. Although society and my community promote independence, I am more of an interdependent person. “Memories form around our primary interest, ourselves” (Axia College, 2004. pg. 139, para. 2). Viewing the world as a cold, dark place where he cannot count on anyone else but himself to reach success, he is independent. He used to see himself as unloved, unworthy, and not good enough; seeking praise of his abilities and opinions, I reassure him that he is lovable, worthy, and valuable. He is striving to increase his self-perception and self-esteem because he is acting with a sense of true choice, advocating for himself. This is important to his well-being and personal success.
• #12: “Research seems to suggest that people who feel good about themselves are less susceptible to insomnia, are not as conforming, and are less shy, lonely, and depressed” (Axia College, 2004. pg. 144, para. 6). I have high self-esteem because I was valued at a very young age. My mother fought to keep me even though she was a young teenager and it was frowned upon by the community. She told me stories about how she did not give me up to my grandmother even though my grandmother wanted to adopt me. She told me that she brought me to school and fed me her lunch instead of eating it herself. She loved me very much when she was younger and I believe this helped me with my self-esteem. According to Crocker & Wolfe (2001), “Low-self esteem seems to be linked to failure in school, substance abuse, eating disorders, and marital discord” (Axia College, pg. 145, para. 1). His mother was not capable of showing love, other than buying him things. He tried to protect his sister from the beatings but was unsuccessful. He endured pain, heartache, and failure while wishing for peace, love, and solace. He struggled in school, dropping out then gaining his GED in the army. When he thought he found the love of his life that too, had ended. Everything he desired seemed to be out of reach. When he found me, it was hard for him to believe that he deserved to be loved. He is continually striving to reach personal success and I continue to help him, being his biggest cheerleader.
• #13: According to Axia College, Self-Esteem (pg. 148, para. 2), “The source of our self-esteem provides a powerful guide for our behavior. If our self-worth is rooted in being virtuous,” we will act virtuous. Shifting sources of self-worth help foster a greater amount of self-esteem. At a young age I sought out my parents for my self-worth. When I grew, I was seeking this in other places, such as friends, academics, and community. My self-worth came from a variety of places; achieving success in school, close friends, and church every Sunday – who preached I was worthy of God’s love. I had a balance of sources to seek and understand my self-worth. “Major problems such as depression, drug abuse, and aggression may be linked not so much to our general level of self-esteem as to the source of our self-esteem” (Crocker & Wolfe, 2001). Although he searched for love, acceptance, and self-worth; he was unable to find what he was looking for. His parents gave him negative self-worth with every hit, yell, and threat. He was failing school and eventually dropped out. Nothing in his life gave him the feeling he was worth anything. He experienced depression, drug abuse, and failure; he was sure his life was not going to be a success.
• #14: Research states having multiple contingencies of self-worth is best and those who do react less to negative life events, shifting the attention to other important areas where things are well. (Axia College, 2004). I look toward my goals, seeking resolution to challenges, overcoming them with much determination. When I goal is complete or becomes too much of a challenge, I look at other important areas in my life that need my attention. This has been an asset for me to complete my goals and continue up the ladder to reach my success. I seek improvement to better myself because I have a solid sense of who I am and who I intend to become in the future.Axia College, Self-Respect (2004) states, “Because contingent self-esteem is so often associated with anxiety, hostility, defensiveness, and the risk of depression, perhaps what people need most is the awareness that they have inherent value.” Understanding he has value in life, does not come easily to him. Because his parents treated him as less than deserving of love, he believed he was not worthy. He questioned every decision he has made, not confident in himself to make good choices. He received conditional love from his parents, only when they decided to love him did they show their love by giving him things. He was not sure what he had to do to receive love because the conditions were always changing. I give him unconditional love and he is learning that even though sometimes, things do not work out, it is okay and he is still a good person.
• #15: Practicing self-forgetfulness is necessary in developing self-esteem and possibly how human strength encompasses life. Admitting bias is examining negative messages and understanding how viewing the self may not reflect reality. To asses strengths and weaknesses, seek accurate feedback from trusted sources. Learning to laugh can release negative thoughts as well as help us understand things are not going to crumble when a mistake is made.Cultivate other strengths - “The practice of gratitude increases life satisfaction and fosters a mindset of humility” (Axia College, Self-Respect. pg. 156, para. 2). Understanding our humanity allows us to be kind, understanding, and empathetic toward others and ourselves. Showing this compassion to others gives us the safety we need to examine ourselves. Experiencing awe fosters self-forgetfulness because we no longer are looking at ourselves but at the world around us realizing there is something greater out there beyond our control that is giving us the ability to reach for more. The beauty of a sunrise, the landscape that surrounds us and the small child grasping the parent’s finger are all wondrous and awe inspiring. Focus beyond self – When we shift our attention away from ourselves, onto our children or each other, is when something wonderful occurs. We forget all the mistakes we have made, all the pain we caused, and focus on others that we love and who love us back. For that moment, we are no longer the children our parents told us we were, we are exceptional parents striving for what is best for those we love. Model humility – “Observational learning is as important to the development of humility as it is to foster the other strengths” (Axia College, Self-Respect. pg. 157, para. 4). We are able to admit our weakness to each other without fear of abandonment. Accepting both positive and negative feedback without feeling ashamed, defensive, or angry is a work in progress but we are not giving up. We are striving together to show our children there is a better way.
• #16: Learning to love another properly takes many years, a desire, and commitment to making the changes when neither person was shown the right way to love. I always say, “Anything worth fighting for is never going to be easy.” Our commitment to each other, our children, and to breaking the cycle is strong. We may strive in different ways but we also learn from each other to find a balance in life and how we approach different situations. Finding a balance between the types of strivings can strengthen our core values; the balance lies in the commitment of the goal. During our twenty year relationship, we have learned more about how each other is, based on how we were raised. We are more aware of each other’s fears, worries, and desires and the why’s behind each. We have a strong desire to make our relationship last a lifetime and we have enacted on making the relationship better. We maintain hope and continue to learn something new about each other every day.
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