The dear departed - part 2 of 2

What’s the matter
with little Vicky?

(He sees Ben and Mrs. Jordan)
Hello! What brings
you here? How’s
yourself, Ben?

(Abel thrusts his hand at Ben who skips back smartly and retreats with
Mrs. Jordan to a safe distance below the sofa.)

Mrs. Slater : (approaching Abel gingerly)
Father, is that
you?

Mrs. Slater : (approaching Abel gingerly)
Father, is that
you?
Of course it’s me.
Don’t do that, Melia.
What the devil do you
mean by this
tomfoolery?
You took us by
surprise, father. Are
you keeping quite
well?

Abel trying to catch the words
Are you quite
well?
Eh? What?

Aye, I’m right enough but
for a bit of a headache.
(Looking at Melia) Melia,
what the dickens did I do
with my new slippers?
(confused)
Aren’t they by
the hearth,
father?

Abel (Observing Henry trying to remove the slippers)
Why, you’ve got
‘em on,
Henry.
I told him to put them on to
stretch them; they were that
new and hard. Now, Henry.
(promptly)

(Mrs. Slater snatches the slippers from Henry and gives them to Abel,
who puts them on and sits in armchair.)
(to Ben)
Well, I don’t call that
delicate, stepping into
a dead man’s shoes in
such haste.

(Victoria runs across to Abel and sits on the floor at his feet.)
Oh, Grandpa, I’m so glad
you’re not dead.

(in a vindictive whisper)
Hold your
tongue,
Victoria.
Eh? What’s that?
Who’s gone dead?

Victoria says she’s sorry
about your head.
Ah, thank you,
Vicky, but I’m
feeling better.
Why, Ben, you are in
mourning! And Lizzie
too. And Melia, and
Henry and little Vicky!
Who‘s gone dead? It’s
someone in the family.
(loudly)
(He chuckles.)

No one you
know, father. A
relation of
Ben’s.
And what relation of
Ben’s?

Dear, dear. And what
was his name, Ben?
Damn it, I never
had one.
(to Mrs. Slater)
His brother.

Frederick.
Albert.
Er-Fred –Alb-
Isaac.
(Right side of
table, prompting
(Left side of
table, prompting)
(He crosses to front of table.)

Isaac? And where
did your brother
Isaac die?

In-er-in
Australia.
Well, I suppose you’ve
only been waiting for me
to begin tea. I’m feeling
hungry.
(rising)

Mrs. Slater : (taking up the kettle)
I’ll make tea.
Come along, now,
sit you down and
let’s be jolly

(Abel sits at the head of the table, facing spectators.)
(suddenly recollecting)
Ay, ‘Melia and Henry, what the
devil did you mean by shifting
my bureau out of my bedroom?

(Henry and Mrs.
Slater are
speechless.)
D’you hear me?
Henry! Melia!’

What bureau was
that, father?
Why, my bureau,
the one I bought
–

Was it the
one, father?
Ah, that’s it.
What’s it doing
there? Eh?

(A pause. The clock on the mantelpiece strikes six. Everyone looks at it.)
Drat me if that isn’t my
clock, too. What the
devil’s been going on in
this house?

(A slight pause)
well, I’ll be
hanged.
I’ll tell you what’s been
going on in this house,
father. Nothing
short of robbery
(rising)

Be quiet,
Elizabeth.
I’ll not be quiet.
Oh, I call it
double-faced.

(A slight pause)
Now, now,
Elizabeth.
And you, too. Are you such a
poor creature that you must
do every dirty thing she tells
you?

(rising; thumping the table)
Damn it all, will someone
tell me what’s been
going on?

Yes, I will. I’ll
not see you
robbed.
Who’s been
robbing me?

Amelia and Henry.
They’ve stolen your
clock and bureau.
(Working herself up)
They sneaked into your
room like thieves in the
night and stole them after
you were dead.

Hush! Quiet,
Elizabeth!
I’ll not be
stopped. After
you were dead, I
say.
After who was
dead?

No, but they
thought you
were.

(A pause. Abel gazes round at them.)
Oho! So that’s why
you’re all in black to-
day. You thought I
was dead
(He chuckles.)
That was a big
mistake.

(He sits and resumes his tea.)

Father.
It didn’t take you long to start dividing my things
between you. I’ll tell you what I’m going to do.
Since your mother died, I’ve lived part of the time
with you, Amelia, and part with you, Lizzie. Well, I
shall make a new will, leaving all my bits of things
to whoever I’m living with when I die. How
does that strike you?
(sobbing)

You know, father, it’s
quite time you came to
live with us again. We’d
make you very
comfortable.
No, he’s not been with
us as long as he was
with you.

I may be wrong, but I
don’t think father will
fancy living on with you
after what’s happened
today.
It seems to me that neither
of you has any cause to feel
proud about the way
you’ve treated me.

If I’ve done anything
wrong, I’m sure I’m
sorry for it.
And I can’t say
more than that,
too.
It’s a bit late to say
it, now. Neither of
you cared to put
up with me.

No, no, father.
Aye, you both say that because
of what I’ve told you about
leaving my money.
Well, since you don’t want me
I’ll go to someone that does.

Come, Mr. Merryweather,
you’ve got to live with one
of your daughters.
I’ll tell you what I’ve got to do. On
Monday next I’ve got to do three things.
I’ve got to go to the lawyer and alter my
will; and I’ve got to go to the
insurance office and pay my premium and
I’ve got to go to St Philip’s Church
and get married.

What!
Get married!
He’s out of his
senses.
I say I’m going to
get married.

Who to?
To Mrs. John Shorrocks who
keeps the ‘Ring-o-Bells’. We’ve
had it fixed up a good while
now, but I was keeping it for a
pleasant surprise.

I felt I was a bit of a burden to you,
so I found someone who’d think it a
pleasure to look after me. We shall
be very glad to see you at the
ceremony.
(He rises.)

Till Monday, then. Twelve o’
clock at St. Philip’s church
(He gets to the door.)

(opening the door)
It’s a good thing you brought that
bureau downstairs, Amelia. It’ll
be handier to carry it across to
the ‘Ring-o-Bells’ on Monday.

The dear departed - part 2 of 2

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The dear departed - part 2 of 2