The Power of Self-Esteem.pdf

Other Books By Nathaniel Branden
The Psychology Of Self-Esteem
Breaking Free
The Disowned Self
The Psychology Of Romantic Love
What Love Asks Of Us
Honoring The Self
If You Could Hear What I Cannot Say
The Art Of Self-Discovery
How To Raise Your Self-Esteem
Judgment Day: My Years With Ayn Rand
The Power
Of Self-Esteem
Nathaniel Branden, Ph.D.
F]
ui!
Health Communications, Inc.
Deerfield Beach, Florida

©1992 Nathaniel Branden
ISBN 1-55874-213-1
All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No
part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval
system or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic,
mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise without the
written permission of the publisher.
Publisher: Health Communications, Inc.
3201 S.W. 15th Street
Deerfield Beach, Florida 33442-8190
Cover design by Christine Clough
C O N T E N T S
Preface ....................................................................... vi
Introduction ................................................................ ix
1. What Is Self-Esteem? ............................................ 1
2. Why Do We Need Self-Esteem? ........................... 21
3. Self-Esteem And Achievement ............................. 31
4. Reflections On The Sources Of Self-Esteem ....... 49
5. The Power Of Self-Esteem In The Workplace ..... 75
6. Recommendations For Further Study ................... 89
Bibliography ............................................................... 97

P R E F A C E
Self-Esteem
A Definition
Self-esteem is a powerful force within each one of us.
It encompasses much more than that innate sense of
self-worth which presumably is our human birthright —
that spark that we who are psychotherapists or teachers
seek to fan in those we work with. That spark is only the
anteroom to self-esteem.
As you begin to read this book, I want you to know
precisely what I mean when I say "self-esteem." There are
many definitions which I consider misleading, less power-
ful or less useful than the one I propose. If self-esteem
loses its precise meaning and descends to the level of a
mere buzzword, it may not be taken seriously by those
we are attempting to reach — the very people who need
it the most.
VI
Self-esteem is the experience that we are ap-
propriate to life and to the requirements of
life. More specifically, self-esteem is . . .
1. Confidence in our ability to think and to
cope with the basic challenges of life.
2. Confidence in our right to be happy, the
feeling of being worthy, deserving, en-
titled to assert our needs and wants and
to enjoy the fruits of our efforts.
Later in this book I will refine and condense this defi-
nition, but essentially this is what I mean when I discuss
the concept of self-esteem.
Vll

I N T R O D U C T I O N
The Importance Of Self-Esteem
An Historical Perspective
Aover the world today there is an awakening to the
importance of self-esteem. We recognize that just
as a human being cannot hope to realize his or her poten-
tial without healthy self-esteem, neither can a society
whose members do not value themselves and do not trust
their minds.
I want to address the issue, therefore, of what precisely
"self-esteem" means, and how and why it affects our
lives as profoundly as it does. Only on this foundation
can we build an understanding of how the principles of
self-esteem psychology can be applied in psychotherapy,
and to our schools, organizations and social institutions
of every kind.
Recently I found myself reflecting on the day, nearly
four decades ago, when I wrote my first notes on self-
esteem. It was 1954 and I was twenty-four years old,
studying psychology at New York University and already
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Nathaniel Branden
with a small private practice. The notes were not for pub-
lication but simply to help clarify my thoughts. I wrote:
I'm beginning to think that the single most important key to
human motivation is self-esteem. Yet no one seems to be
writing or talking about it. What I want to understand is:
(a) What is self-esteem?
(b) What does it depend on?
(c) Why does its presence or absence make such an enor-
mous difference in people's lives?
(d) How can 1 prove it?
When I first went to the library in search of informa-
tion about self-esteem, almost none was to be found. The
indexes of books on psychology did not mention the term.
Sigmund Freud had suggested that low "self-regard" was
caused by a child's discovery that he or she could not have
sexual intercourse with the mother or father, which re-
sulted in the helpless feeling: "I can do nothing." I did not
find this persuasive or illuminating as an explanation.
Alfred Adler suggested that everyone started out with
feelings of inferiority, caused, first, by bringing some phys-
ical liability or "organ inferiority" into the world and, sec-
ond, by the fact that everyone else (that is, grown-ups or
older siblings) was bigger and stronger. In other words,
our curse is that we are not born perfectly formed mature
adults. I did not find this helpful, either.
A few psychoanalysts wrote about self-esteem, but in
terms very different from my understanding of the con-
cept, so that it was almost as if they were studying another
subject.
The Power Of Self-Esteem XI
My first major effort to address the issues and ques-
tions self-esteem presented, The Psychology of Self-
Esteem, was written during the 1960s and published in
1969. (I am happy and proud to say that it is now going
strong in its 27th printing.)
Culturally it was only in the 1980s that self-esteem as
a topic caught fire. Not only did books begin to appear in
increasing numbers that made reference to the term and
elaborated on it to varying extents, but more scientific
studies began appearing. However, there is still no con-
sensus about what the term means.
By the late 1980s, in the United States, one could not
turn the television on without hearing things like, "When
he didn't show up for our date, my self-esteem was shat-
tered!" or "How could you let him treat you like that?
Where's your self-esteem?" In a popular historical film
drama about love and seduction among French aristocracy,
we heard the anachronism of one character saying to an-
other something like, "I wanted you from the first moment
I saw you. My self-esteem demanded it."
If once the challenge was to gain public understanding
of the importance of self-esteem, today the danger is that
the idea might become trivialized. If the idea does become
trivialized, the tragedy is that people will then lose the
understanding of its importance.
The Importance Of A Precise Definition
Understanding that self-esteem has an exact meaning
is important. It would be unwise to dismiss definitions as
X

Xll Nathaniel Branden
mere semantics or a concern with exactitude as pedantry.
The value of a precise definition is that it allows us to
distinguish a particular aspect of reality from all others,
so that we can think about it and work with it with clarity
and focus. If we wish to know what self-esteem depends
on, how to nurture it in our children, support it in schools,
encourage it in organizations, strengthen it in psycho-
therapy, or develop it in ourselves, we need to know what
precisely we are aiming at. We are unlikely to hit a target we
cannot see.
If our idea of self-esteem is vague, the means we adopt
will reflect this vagueness. If our enthusiasm for self-
esteem is not matched by appropriate intellectual rigor,
we run the risk not only of failing to produce worthwhile
results, but also of discrediting the field.
Unfortunately, almost every writer in the field proposes
a different definition of what self-esteem means. This is
one of the problems with the research. Different charac-
teristics or attributes are being measured, but all are col-
lectively called "self-esteem." Let us examine a few repre-
sentative definitions to clarify further my own approach.
Earliest Attempt To Define Self-Esteem
The "father" of American psychology is William James,
and in his Principles of Psychology, originally published in
1890, we find the earliest attempt I know of to define
self-esteem:
The Power Of Self-Esteem Xlll
I, who for the time have staked my all on being a psychol-
ogist, am mortified if others know much more psychology
than I. But I am contented to wallow in the grossest igno-
rance of Greek. My deficiencies there give me no sense of
personal humiliation at all. Had I 'pretensions' to be a
linguist, it would have been just the reverse . . . . With no
attempt there can be no failure; with no failure no humil-
iation. So our self-feeling in this world depends entirely
on what we back ourselves to be and do. It is determined
by the ratio of our actualities to our supposed potentiali-
ties; a fraction of which our pretensions are the denomi-
nator and the numerator our success: thus,
Self-esteem =
Success
Pretensions
Such a fraction may be increased as well by diminishing
the denominator as by increasing the numerator.
The first thing James is telling us about himself is that
he bases his self-esteem on how well he compares to
others in his chosen field. If no one else can match his
expertise, his self-esteem is satisfied. If someone else sur-
passes him, his self-esteem is devastated. He is telling us
that in a sense he is placing his self-esteem at the mercy
of others. In his professional life, this gives him a vested
interest in being surrounded by inferiors; it gives him
reason to fear talent rather than welcome, admire, and
take pleasure in it. This is not a formula for healthy self-
esteem but a prescription for anxiety.
To tie our self-esteem to any factor outside our voli-
tional control, such as the choices or actions of others, is

XIV Nathaniel Branden
to invite anguish. That so many people judge themselves
just this way is their tragedy.
If "self-esteem equals success divided by pretensions/'
then, as James points out, self-esteem can equally be pro-
tected by increasing one's success or lowering one's pre-
tensions. This means that a person who aspires to no-
thing, neither in work nor in character, and achieves it
and a person of high accomplishment and high character
are equals in self-esteem. I do not believe that this is an
idea at which anyone could have arrived by paying atten-
tion to the real world. People with aspirations so low that
they meet them mindlessly and effortlessly are not con-
spicuous for their psychological well-being.
How well we live up to our personal standards and
values (which James unfortunately calls "pretensions")
clearly has a bearing on our self-esteem. The value of
James' discussion is that it draws attention to this fact.
But it is a fact that cannot properly be understood in a
vacuum, as if the content of our standards and values were
irrelevant and nothing more were involved than the neu-
tral formula James proposes. Literally, his formula is less
a definition of self-esteem than a statement concerning
how he believes the level of self-esteem is determined,
not in some unfortunate individuals, but in everyone.
Stanley Coopersmith's Contribution
One of the best books written on self-esteem is Stan-
ley Coopersmith's The Antecedents of Self-Esteem. His
The Power Of Self-Esteem
research on the contribution of parents remains invalu-
able. He writes:
By self-esteem we refer to the evaluation which the indi-
vidual makes and customarily maintains with regard to
himself. It expresses an attitude of approval or disap-
proval, and indicates the extent to which the individual
believes himself to be capable, significant, successful, and
worthy. In short, self-esteem is a personal judgment of
worthiness that is expressed in the attitudes the individual
holds toward himself.
Relative to James, this formulation represents a great
step forward. It speaks much more directly to what our
experience of self-esteem is. Yet there are questions it
raises and leaves unanswered.
"Capable" of what? All of us are capable in some areas
and not in others. Capable relative to whatever we under-
take? Then must any lack of adequate competence dimin-
ish self-esteem? I do not think Coopersmith would want
to suggest this, but the implication is left hanging.
"Significant" — what does this mean? Significant in
what way? Significant in the eyes of others? Which oth-
ers? Significant by what standards?
"Successful" — does this mean worldly success? Finan-
cial success? Career success? Social success? Success with
regard to what? Note he is not saying that self-esteem
contains the idea that success (in principle) is appropriate;
he is saying that self-esteem contains the idea of seeing
oneself as successful — which is entirely different and trou-
blesome in its implications.
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xvi Nathaniel Branden
"Worthy" — of what? Happiness? Money? Love? Any-
thing the individual desires? My sense is that Coopersmith
would mean by "worthy" pretty much what I spell out in
my own definition in the preface to this book, but he does
not say so.
More Recent Attempts To Define Self-Esteem
Another definition is offered by Richard L. Bednar, M.
Gawain Wells and Scott R. Peterson in their book Self-
Esteem: Paradoxes and Innovations in Clinical Theory and Practice:
Parenthetically, we define self-esteem as a subjective and
endearing sense of realistic self-approval. It reflects how
the individual views and values the self at the most funda-
mental levels of psychological experiencing . . . . Funda-
mentally, then, self-esteem is an enduring and affective
sense of personal value based on accurate self-perception.
"Approval" — with regard to what? Everything about
the self from physical appearance to actions to intellectual
functioning? We are not told. "Views and values the self"
— with regard to what issues or criteria? "An enduring
and affective sense of personal value" — what does this
mean? On the other hand, what I like in this formulation
is the observation that genuine self-esteem is reality based.
One of the most widely publicized definitions of self-
esteem is given in Toward A State of Esteem: The Final Report
of the California Task force To Promote Self and Personal and
Social Responsibility:
The Power Of Self-Esteem xvn
Self-esteem is defined as: Appreciating my own worth
and importance and having the character to be accountable
for myself and to act responsibly toward others.
In this definition, we find the same lack of specificity as
in the other definitions — "worth and importance" with
regard to what?
There is another problem with the Task Force state-
ment: inserting into the definition what is obviously meant
to be a basic source of healthy self-esteem (that is, being
accountable for oneself and acting responsibly toward
others). A definition of a psychological state is meant to
tell us what a state is, not how one gets there. Did the
people who offered this definition want us to understand
that if we don't act responsibly toward others, we won't
possess healthy self-esteem? If so, they are probably right,
but is that part of the definition — or is it a different
issue? (Almost certainly such a definition is influenced by
"political" rather than scientific considerations — to
reassure people that champions of self-esteem are not
fostering petty, irresponsible "selfishness.")
Finally there are those in the self-esteem movement
who announce that "self-esteem means 'I am capable
and lovable.'"
Again we must ask, "'Capable' of what?" I am a great
skier, a brilliant lawyer, and a first-rate chef. However, I
don't feel competent to assess independently the moral
values my mother taught me. I feel, Who am I to know?
In such a case, am I "capable"? Do I have self-esteem?
As to "lovable" — yes, feeling lovable is one of the
characteristics of healthy self-esteem. So is feeling worthy

xviii Nathaniel Branden
of happiness and success. Is feeling lovable more impor-
tant? Evidently, since the other two items are not men-
tioned. By what reasoning?
Am I suggesting that the definition of self-esteem I offer
is written in stone and can never be improved on? Not at
all. Definitions are contextual; they relate to a given level
of knowledge; as knowledge grows, definitions tend to
become more precise. I may find a better, clearer, more
exact way to capture the essence of the concept during my
lifetime. Or someone else may. But within the context of
the knowledge we now possess, I can think of no alterna-
tive formulation that identifies with more precision the
unique aspect of human experience we call self-esteem.
The Purpose Of ThisBook
The purpose of this book is not to address exhaustively
the great issue of what we can do to heal or rebuild a
damaged self-esteem, but, more fundamentally, to explore
what self-esteem is.
This is the necessary starting point. While there is a
good deal of talk about the subject these days, there is no
shared understanding of the meaning of self-esteem or
the reasons why it is so important to our well-being.
These are the basic issues I write about here.
In Chapter 1,1 invite the reader to look at the powerful
role self-esteem plays for all of us in the key choices and
decisions that shape our lives. I explore what self-esteem
means, develop a definition of the term and give my rea-
sons for it for the purpose of clarifying what I believe are
misconceptions and discuss why the need for self-esteem
arises in our species.
In Chapter 2, I describe what good self-esteem looks
like and indicate the mental operations on which healthy
self-esteem depends. In Chapter 3, I point out the differ-
ence between pseudo-self-esteem and authentic self-es-
teem. The first three chapters are adapted from a talk I
gave in Asker/Oslo, Norway, at the First International
Conference on Self-Esteem in the summer of 1990.
In Chapter 4, I offer a number of observations about
the sources of healthy self-esteem, insofar as it depends
on our own choices and behavior.
In Chapter 5, I discuss the application of self-esteem
principles to the workplace.
Finally in Chapter 6, I make recommendations for fur-
ther study. If this is the first book you have read on self-
esteem, Chapter 6 suggests where you might wish to go
next. I hope you will wish to go further and learn more
about self-esteem because, as I say in Chapter 1, of all the
judgments we pass in life, none is more important than
the judgment we pass on ourselves.
Self-concept is destiny.
xix

Most of us are children of dysfunctional
families.
I do not mean that most of us had alcoholic parents or
were sexually or otherwise abused or that we grew up in
an atmosphere of physical violence. I mean that most of us
grew up in homes characterized by conflicting signals, de-
nials of reality, parental lying, and lack of adequate respect
for our mind and person. I am speaking of the average home.
I recall discussing this issue one day with the distin-
guished family therapist Virginia Satir, who offered an
exquisite and appalling example of the kind of craziness
with which so many of us grew up.
Imagine, she said, a scene among a child, a mother, and
a father.
3

Nathaniel Branden
Seeing a look of unhappiness on the mother's face, the
child asks, "What's the matter, Mommy? You look sad."
Mother answers, her voice tight and constricted, "Noth-
ing's the matter. I am fine."
Then Father says angrily, "Don't upset your mother!"
The child looks back and forth between mother and
father, utterly bewildered, unable to understand the re-
buke. She begins to weep. The mother cries to Father,
"Now look what you've done!"
I like this story because of its ordinariness. Let us con-
sider it more closely.
The child correctly perceives that something is trou-
bling Mother and responds appropriately. Mother acts by
invalidating the child's (correct) perception of reality; she
lies. Perhaps Mother does so out of the misguided desire
to "protect" her child or perhaps because she herself
does not know how to handle her unhappiness. If she
had said, "Yes, Mommy is feeling a little sad right now;
thank you for noticing," she would have validated the
child's perception. By acknowledging her own unhappi-
ness simply and openly, she would have reinforced the
child's compassion and taught something important con-
cerning a healthy attitude toward pain; she would have
de-catastrophized the pain.
Father, perhaps to "protect" Mother or perhaps out of
guilt because Mother s sadness concerns him, rebukes the
child, thus adding to the incomprehensibility of the situa-
tion. If the mother is not sad, why would a simple inquiry
be upsetting? If she is sad, why is it wrong to ask about it
and why is Mommy lying? Now, to confound the child still
The Power Of Self-Esteem 5
more, Mother screams at Father, rebuking him for re-
proaching their child. Contradictions compounded; incon-
gruities on top of incongruities. How is the child to make
sense of the situation?
The child may run outside, frantically looking for some-
thing to do or someone to play with, seeking to erase all
memory of the incident as quickly as possible, repressing
feelings and perceptions. And if the child flees into uncon-
sciousness to escape the terrifying sense of being trapped
in a nightmare, do we blame her well-meaning parents for
behaving in ways that encourage her to feel that sight is
dangerous and that there is safety in blindness?
A Story Without Villains
An unexceptional story without villains. No one is likely
to imagine that the parents are motivated by destructive
intentions. But in choosing to deny simple reality, they
give the child the impression that she exists in an incom-
prehensible world where perception is untrustworthy and
thought is futile. Multiply that incident by a thousand
more or less like it, none of which the child is likely to
remember in later years, but all of which will almost cer-
tainly have a cumulative impact on the child's development.
(Are not most of us survivors of such experiences?)
If the child does draw the conclusion that her mind is
impotent, or that its potency is doubtful, how can a good
self-esteem develop? And without it, how will she face
life?
4

Nathaniel Branden The Power Of Self-Esteem
Complex Factors Determine Our Self-Esteem
I do not wish to imply that how our parents treat us
determines the level of our self-esteem. The matter is
more complex than that. We have a decisive role of our
own to play. The notion that we are merely pawns shaped
and determined by our environment cannot be supported
scientifically or philosophically. We are causal agents in
our own right; active contestants in the drama of our
lives; originators and not merely reactors or responders.
Clearly, however, the family environment can have a
profound impact for good or for ill. Parents can nurture
self-trust and self-respect or place appalling roadblocks in
the way of learning such attitudes. They can convey that
they believe in their child's competence and goodness or
they can convey the opposite. They can create an environ-
ment in which the child feels safe and secure or they can
create an environment of terror. They can support the
emergence of healthy self-esteem or they can do every-
thing conceivable to subvert it.
Obstacles To The Growth Of Self-Esteem
Parents throw up severe obstacles to the growth of a
child's self-esteem when they . . .
• Convey that the child is not "enough."
• Chastise the child for expressing "unacceptable"
feelings.
• Ridicule or humiliate the child.
• Convey that the child's thoughts or feelings have
no value or importance.
• Attempt to control the child by shame or guilt.
• Over-protect the child and consequently obstruct
normal learning and increasing self-reliance.
• Raise a child with no rules at all, and thus no sup-
porting structure, or else rules that are contradic-
tory, bewildering, undiscussable, and oppressive,
in either case inhibiting normal growth.
• Deny a child's perception of reality and implicitly
encourage the child to doubt his or her mind.
• Treat evident facts as unreal, thus shaking the
child's sense of rationality — for example, when an
alcoholic father stumbles to the dinner table, misses
the chair, and falls to the floor as the mother goes
on eating or talking as if nothing had happened.
• Terrorize a child with physical violence or the
threat of it, thus instilling acute fear as an enduring
characteristic at the child's core.
• Treat a child as a sexual object.
• Teach that the child is bad, unworthy, or sinful by
nature.
Today millions of men and women who have come out
of such childhood experiences are searching for ways to
6 7

Nathaniel Branden
heal their wounds. They recognize that they have entered
adult life with a liability — a deficit of self-esteem. What-
ever words they use to describe the problem, they know
they suffer from some nameless sense of not being
"enough," or some haunting emotion of shame or guilt, or
a generalized self-distrust, or a diffusive feeling of un-
worthiness. They sense their lack even if they do not know
what precisely self-esteem is, let alone how to nurture and
strengthen it within themselves.
A Definition Of Self-Esteem
A Powerful Human Need
We who are psychotherapists or teachers seek to fan a
spark in those we work with — that innate sense of self-
worth that presumably is our human birthright. But that
spark is only the anteroom to self-esteem. If we are to do
justice to those we work with, we need to help them
develop that sense of self-worth into the full experience
of self-esteem.
Self-esteem is the experience that we are appropriate
to life and to the requirements of life. More specifically,
self-esteem is . . .
1. Confidence in our ability to think and to cope
with the challenges of life.
2. Confidence in our right to be happy, the feeling of
being worthy, deserving, entitled to assert our
needs and wants and to enjoy the fruits of our
efforts.
Self-esteem is a powerful human need. It is a basic
human need that makes an essential contribution to the
life process; it is indispensable to normal and healthy de-
velopment; it has survival value.
Lacking positive self-esteem, our psychological growth
is stunted. Positive self-esteem operates as, in effect, the
immune system of consciousness, providing resistance, strength,
and a capacity for regeneration. When self-esteem is low,
our resilience in the face of life's adversities is diminished.
We crumble before vicissitudes that a healthier sense of
self could vanquish. We tend to be more influenced by the
desire to avoid pain than to experience joy. Negatives have
more power over us than positives.
Addiction And Self-Esteem
These observations help us to understand addictions.
When we become addicted to alcohol or drugs or destruc-
tive relationships, the unconscious intention is invariably
to ameliorate anxiety and pain. What we become addicted
to are tranquilizers and anodynes. The "enemies" we are
trying to escape are fear and pain. When the means we
have chosen do not work and make our problems worse,
we are driven to take more and more of the poison that is
killing us.
Addicts are not less fearful than other human beings,
they are more fearful. Their pain is not milder, it is more
8
9

10 Nathaniel Branden
severe. We cannot drink or drug our way into self-esteem
anymore than we can buy happiness with toxic relation-
ships. We do not attain self-esteem by practices that evoke
self-hatred.
If we do not believe in ourselves — neither in our effi-
cacy nor in our goodness — the universe is a frightening
place.
Valuing Ourselves
This does not mean that we are necessarily incapable of
achieving any real values. Some of us may have the talent
and drive to achieve a great deal, in spite of a poor self-
concept — like the highly productive workaholic who is
driven to prove his worth to, say, a father who predicted
he would amount to nothing. But it does mean that we
will be less effective — less creative — than we have the
power to be; and it means that we will be crippled in our
ability to find joy in our achievements. Nothing we do will
ever feel like "enough."
If we do have realistic confidence in our mind and value,
if we feel secure within ourselves, we tend to experience
the world as open to us and to respond appropriately to
challenges and opportunities. Self-esteem empowers, en-
ergizes, motivates. It inspires us to achieve and allows us
to take pleasure and pride in our achievements. It allows
us to experience satisfaction.
In their enthusiasm, some writers today seem to sug-
gest that a healthy sense of self-value is all we need to
assure happiness and success. The matter is more complex
than that.
We have more than one need, and there is no single
solution to all the problems of our existence. A well-
developed sense of self is a necessary condition of our
well-being but not a sufficient condition. Its presence does
not guarantee fulfillment, but its lack guarantees some
measure of anxiety, frustration, despair.
Self-esteem proclaims itself as a need by virtue of the
fact that its (relative) absence impairs our ability to func-
tion. This is why we say it has survival value.
And never more so than today. We have reached a mo-
ment in history when self-esteem, which has always been
a supremely important psychological need, has also be-
come a supremely important economic need — an attri-
bute imperative for adaptiveness to an increasingly com-
plex, challenging, and competitive world.
Psychological Resources For The Future
The shift from a manufacturing society to an informa-
tion society, the shift from physical labor to mind-work as
the dominant employee activity, and the emergence of a
global economy characterized by rapid change, accelerat-
ing scientific and technological breakthroughs, and an un-
precedented level of competitiveness, create demands for
higher levels of education and training than were required
of previous generations. Everyone acquainted with busi-

ness culture knows this. But what is not equally under-
stood is that these developments also create new demands
on our psychological resources.
Specifically, these developments ask for a greater capac-
ity for innovation, self-management, personal responsi-
bility, and self-direction. This is asked not just "at the
top," but at every level of a business enterprise, from
senior management to first-line supervisors and even to
entry-level personnel.
A modern business can no longer be run by a few
people who think and a great many people who do what
they are told (the traditional military, command-and-con-
trol model). Today organizations need not only an un-
precedentedly higher level of knowledge and skill among
all those who participate, but also a higher level of per-
sonal autonomy, self-reliance, self-trust, and the capacity
to exercise initiative — in a word, self-esteem. This means
that people possessing a decent level of self-esteem are
now needed economically in large numbers. Historically
this is a new phenomenon. (The importance of self-esteem
in the workplace is discussed at length in Chapter 4.)
Intelligent Choices Require Self-Esteem
In a world where there are more choices and options
than ever before, and frontiers of limitless possibilities
face us in whatever direction we look, we require a higher
level of personal autonomy. This means a greater need to
exercise independent judgment, to cultivate our own re-
sources, and to take responsibility for the choices, values,
and actions that shape our lives; a greater need for self-
trust and self-reliance; a greater need for a reality-based
belief in ourselves.
The greater the number of choices and decisions we need to make
at a conscious level, the more urgent our need for self-esteem.
To the extent that we are confident in the efficacy of
our minds — confident of our ability to think, learn, un-
derstand — we tend to persevere when faced with diffi-
cult or complex challenges. Persevering, we tend to suc-
ceed more often than we fail, thus confirming and
reinforcing our sense of efficacy. To the extent that we
doubt the efficacy of our minds and lack confidence in our
thinking, we tend not to persevere but to give up. Giving
up, we fail more often than we succeed, thus confirming
and reinforcing our negative self-assessment.
High self-esteem seeks the stimulation of demanding
goals, and reaching demanding goals nurtures good self-
esteem. Low self-esteem seeks the safety of the familiar
and undemanding, and confining oneself to the familiar
and undemanding serves to weaken self-esteem.
The higher our self-esteem, the better equipped we are
to cope with adversity in our careers or in our personal
lives, the quicker we are to pick ourselves up after a fall,
the more energy we have to begin anew.
The higher our self-esteem, the more ambitious we
tend to be, not necessarily in a career or financial sense,
but in terms of what we hope to experience in life —
emotionally, creatively, spiritually. The lower our self-es-

teem, the less we aspire to, and the less we are likely to
achieve. Either path tends to be self-reinforcing and self-
perpetuating.
The higher our self-esteem, the more disposed we are
to form nourishing rather than toxic relationships. Like is
drawn to like, health is attracted to health, and vitality
and expansiveness in others are naturally more appealing
to people of good self-esteem than are emptiness and
dependency.
Attraction To Those Whose Self-Esteem
Level Matches Our Own
An important principle of human relationships is that
we tend to feel most comfortable, most "at home," with
people whose self-esteem level resembles our own. High
self-esteem individuals tend to be drawn to high self-
esteem individuals. Medium self-esteem individuals are
typically attracted to medium self-esteem individuals. Low
self-esteem seeks low self-esteem in others. The most
disastrous relationships are those between two persons
both of whom think poorly of themselves; the union of
two abysses does not produce a height.
I am thinking of a woman I once treated who grew up
feeling she was "bad" and undeserving of kindness, re-
spect or happiness. Predictably, she married a man who
"knew" he was unlovable and felt consumed by self-ha-
tred. He protected himself by being cruel to others before
they could be cruel to him. She did not complain about his
abuse, since she "knew" that abuse was her destiny. He
was not surprised by her increasing withdrawal and re-
moteness from him, since he "knew" no one could ever
love him.
They had spent twenty years of torture together, "prov-
ing" how right they were about themselves and about life.
When I commented to the wife that she had not known
much happiness, she looked at me astonished and said,
"Are people ever really happy?"
The higher our self-esteem, the more inclined we are
to treat others with respect, benevolence, good will, and
fairness — since we do not tend to perceive them as a
threat, and since self-respect is the foundation of respect
for others.
The Time-Bomb Of Poor Self-Esteem
While an inadequate self-esteem can severely limit an
individuals aspirations and accomplishments, the conse-
quences of the problem need not be so obvious. Some-
times the consequences show up in more indirect ways.
The time-bomb of a poor self-concept may tick silently for
years while an individual, driven by a passion for success
and exercising genuine ability, may rise higher and higher
in his profession. Then, without real necessity, he starts

cutting corners, morally and/or legally, in his eagerness to
provide more lavish demonstrations of his mastery. Then
he commits more flagrant offenses still, telling himself
that he is "beyond good and evil/' as if challenging the
fates to bring him down. Only at the end, when his life
and career explode in disgrace and ruin, can we see for
how many years he has been moving relentlessly toward
the final act of an unconscious lifescript he may have
begun writing at the age of three.
Self-Efficacy And Self-Respect
Self-esteem has two interrelated aspects:
1. A sense of personal efficacy (self-efficacy)
2. A sense of personal worth (self-respect).
As a fully realized psychological experience, it is the
integrated sum of these two aspects.
Self-efficacy means confidence in the functioning of my
mind, in my ability to think, in the processes by which I
judge, choose, decide; confidence in my ability to under-
stand the facts of reality that fall within the sphere of my
interests and needs; cognitive self-trust; cognitive self-
reliance.
Self-respect means assurance of my value; an affirmative
attitude toward my right to live and to be happy; comfort
in appropriately asserting my thoughts, wants, and needs;
the feeling that joy is my natural birthright.
Consider that if an individual felt inadequate to face the
challenges of life, if an individual lacked fundamental self-
trust, confidence in his or her mind, we would recognize
the presence of a self-esteem deficiency, no matter what
other assets he or she possessed. Or if an individual lacked
a basic sense of self-respect, felt unworthy or undeserving
of the love or respect of others, unentitled to happiness,
fearful of asserting thoughts, wants, or needs — again we
would recognize a self-esteem deficiency, no matter what
other positive attributes he or she exhibited.
The Dual Pillars Of Self-Esteem
Self-efficacy and self-respect are the dual pillars of
healthy self-esteem. Lacking either one, self-esteem is im-
paired. They are the defining characteristics of the term
because of their fundamentality. They represent not deriv-
ative or secondary meanings of self-esteem but its essence.
The experience of self-efficacy generates the sense of
control over one's life that we associate with psychological
well-being, the sense of being at the vital center of one's
existence — as contrasted with being a passive spectator
and a victim of events.
The experience of self-respect makes possible a benevo-
lent, non-neurotic sense of community with other indi-

viduals, the fellowship of independence and mutual regard
— as contrasted with either alienated estrangement from
the human race, on the one hand, or mindless submer-
gence into the tribe, on the other.
Within a given person, there will be inevitable fluctua-
tions in self-esteem levels, much as there are fluctuations
in all psychological states. We need to think in terms of a
persons average level of self-esteem.
How Do We Experience Our Self-Esteem?
While we sometimes speak of self-esteem as a convic-
tion about oneself, it is more accurate to speak of a dispo-
sition to experience oneself a particular way. What way?
To recapitulate:
1. As fundamentally competent to cope with the chal-
lenges of life; thus, trust in ones mind and its
processes; self-efficacy.
2. As worthy of success and happiness; thus, the per-
ception of oneself as someone to whom achieve-
ment, success, respect, friendship and love, are
appropriate; self-respect.
A Formal Definition Of Self-Estecm
To sum up in a formal definition: Self-esteem is the dispo-
sition to experience oneself as competent to cope with the chal-
lenges of life and as deserving of happiness.
Note that this definition does not specify the childhood
environmental influences that support healthy self-esteem
(e.g., physical safety, nurturing, etc.), nor the later internal
generators (e.g., the practice of living consciously, self-
responsibly, etc.), nor emotional or behavioral conse-
quences (e.g., compassion, willingness to be accountable,
etc.). It merely identifies what the self-evaluation concerns and
consists of.
Am I suggesting that the definition of self-esteem I
offer is written in stone and can never be improved on?
Not at all. Definitions are contextual. They relate to a
given level of knowledge; as knowledge grows, definitions
tend to become more precise. I may find a better, clearer,
more exact way to capture the essence of the concept
during my lifetime. Or someone else may. But within the
context of the knowledge we now possess, I can think of
no alternative formulation that identifies with more pre-
cision the unique aspect of human experience we call self-
esteem.
The concept of "competence" as used in my definition
is metaphysical, not "Western." That is, it pertains to the
very nature of things — to our fundamental relationship
to reality. It is not the product of a particular cultural
"value bias." There is no society on earth, no society even
conceivable, whose members do not face the challenges of
fulfilling their needs — who do not face the challenges of
appropriate adaptation to nature and to the world of hu-
man beings. The idea of efficacy in this fundamental sense
(which includes competence in human relationships) is
not a "Western artifact," as I have heard suggested.

We delude ourselves if we imagine there is any culture
or society in which we will not have to face the challenge
of making ourselves appropriate to life.
Why Do We Need
Self-Esteem?
2

T o understand self-esteem, we must consider:
Why does the need for it arise?
The question of the efficacy of their consciousness or
the worthiness of their beings does not exist for lower
animals. But human beings wonder: Can I trust my mind?
Am I competent to think? Am I adequate? Am I enough?
Am I a good person? Do I have integrity — that is, is
there congruence between my ideals and my practice?
Am I worthy of respect, love, success, happiness? It is not
self-evident why such questions should even occur.
Our need of self-esteem is the result of two basic facts,
both intrinsic to our species. The first is that we depend
for our survival and our successful mastery of the envi-
ronment on the appropriate use of our consciousness. Our
23

lives and well-being depend on our ability to think. The
second is that the right use of our consciousness is not
automatic, is not "wired in" by nature. In the regulating
of its activity, there is a crucial element of choice — there-
fore, of personal responsibility.
The Mind Is The Basic Tool Of Survival
Like every other species capable of awareness, we de-
pend for our survival and well-being on the guidance of
our distinctive form of consciousness, the form uniquely
human, our conceptual faculty — the faculty of abstrac-
tion, generalization, and integration.
This form of consciousness is what I understand by the
term mind. Its essence is our ability to reason, which
means to grasp relationships. Our lives and well-being
depend on the appropriate exercise of our minds.
Mind is more than immediate explicit awareness. It is a
complex architecture of structures and processes. It in-
cludes more than the verbal, linear, analytic processes pop-
ularly, if misleadingly, described sometimes as "left-brain"
activity. It includes the totality of mental life, including
the subconscious, the intuitive, the symbolic, all that which
sometimes is associated with the "right brain." Mind is all
that by means of which we reach out to and apprehend
the world.
The Process Of Thought
To learn to grow food, to construct a bridge, to harness
electricity, to grasp the healing possibilities of some sub-
stance, to allocate resources so as to maximize productiv-
ity, to see wealth-producing possibilities where they had
not been seen before, to conduct a scientific experiment,
to create — all require a process of thought. To respond
appropriately to the complaints of a child or a spouse, to
recognize that there is a disparity between our behavior
and our professed feelings, to discover how to deal with
hurt and anger in ways that will heal rather than destroy
— require a process of thought.
Even to know when to abandon conscious efforts at
problem-solving and turn the task over to the subcon-
scious, to know when to allow conscious thinking to stop,
or when to attend more closely to feelings or intuition
(subconscious perceptions or integrations) — require a
process of thought, a process of rational connection.
To Think Or Not To Think: A Choice
The problem and the challenge is that, although think-
ing is a necessity of successful existence, we are not pro-
grammed to think automatically. We have a choice.
We are not responsible for controlling the activities of
our heart, lungs, liver or kidneys. They are all part of the
body's self-regulating system (although we are beginning

to learn that some measure of control of these activities
may be possible to us). Nor are we obliged to supervise
the homeostatic processes by which, for instance, a more
or less constant temperature is maintained. Nature has
designed the organs and systems of our bodies to function
automatically in the service of our life without our voli-
tional intervention. But our minds operate differently.
Our minds do not pump knowledge as our hearts pump
blood, when and as needed. Our minds do not automat-
ically guide us to act on our best, most rational and in-
formed understanding, even when such understanding
would clearly be beneficial. We do not begin to think "in-
stinctively" merely because non-thinking, in a given situ-
ation, has become dangerous to us.
Consciousness does not "reflexly" expand in the face of
the new and unfamiliar; sometimes we contract it instead.
Nature has given us an extraordinary responsibility: the
option of turning the searchlight of consciousness bright-
er or dimmer. This is the option of seeking awareness or
not bothering to seek it or actively avoiding it, the option
of thinking or not thinking. This is the root of our free-
dom and our responsibility.
We Can Make Rational Or Irrational Choices
We are the one species who can formulate a vision of
what values are worth pursuing — and then pursue the
opposite. We can decide that a given course of action is
rational, moral, and wise — and then suspend conscious-
ness and proceed to do something else. We are able to
monitor our behavior and ask if it is consistent with our
knowledge, convictions, and ideals — and we are also able
to evade asking that question. The option of thinking or
not thinking.
If I have reason to know that alcohol is dangerous to me
and I nonetheless take a drink, I must first turn down the
light of consciousness. If I know that cocaine has cost me
my last three jobs and I nonetheless choose to take a
snort, I must first blank out my knowledge, must refuse
to see what I see and know what I know. I recognize that
I am in a relationship that is destructive of my dignity,
ruinous for my self-esteem, and dangerous to my physical
well-being. If I nonetheless choose to remain in it, I must
drown out awareness, fog my brain, and make myself
functionally stupid. Self-destruction is an act best per-
formed in the dark.
Our Choices Affect Our Self-Esteem
The choices we make concerning the operations of our
consciousness have enormous ramifications for our lives
in general and our self-esteem in particular. Consider the
impact on our lives and on our sense of self entailed by
the following options:
Focusing versus nonfocusing.
Thinking versus nonthinking.

Awareness versus unawareness.
Clarity versus obscurity or vagueness.
Respect for reality versus avoidance of reality.
Respect for facts versus indifference to facts.
Respect for truth versus rejection of truth.
Perseverance in the effort to understand versus aban-
donment of the effort.
Loyalty in action to our professed convictions versus
disloyalty — the issue of integrity.
Honesty with self versus dishonesty.
Self-confrontation versus self-avoidance.
Receptivity to new knowledge versus closed-minded-
ness.
Willingness to see and correct errors versus perse-
verance in error.
Concern with congruence versus disregard of con-
tradictions.
Reason versus irrationalism; respect for logic, con-
sistency, coherence, and evidence versus disregard
or defiance of.
Loyalty to the responsibility of consciousness versus
betrayal of that responsibility.
If one wishes to understand the foundations of genuine
self-esteem, this list is a good place to begin.
No one could seriously suggest that our sense of our
competence to cope with the challenge of life or our sense
of our goodness could remain unaffected, over time, by
the pattern of our choices in regard to the above options.
Consciousness, Responsibility,Moral Choices
The point is not that our self-esteem "should" be af-
fected by the choices we make, but rather that by our
natures it must be affected. If we develop habit patterns
that cripple or incapacitate us for effective functioning,
and that cause us to distrust ourselves, it would be irra-
tional to suggest that we "should" go on feeling just as
efficacious and worthy as we would feel if our choices had
been better. This would imply that our actions have or
should have nothing to do with how we feel about our-
selves. It is one thing to caution against identifying oneself
with a particular behavior; it is another to assert that
there should be no connection between self-assessment
and behavior.
A disservice is done to people if they are offered "feel
good" notions of self-esteem that divorce it from ques-
tions of consciousness, responsibility, or moral choice.
It is the fact that we have choices such as I have de-
scribed, that we are confronted by options encountered
nowhere else in nature, that we are the one species able to
betray and act against our means of survival, that creates

our need for self-esteem — which is the need to know that
we are functioning as our life and well-being require.
3
Self-Esteem
And
Achievement

s elf-esteem is not a free gift that we need
only claim. Its possession over time represents an
achievement.
To qualify as authentic self-esteem, the experience I
am describing must be reality based. It is more than sim-
ply a matter of "feeling good about oneself" — a state
that, at least temporarily, can be induced in any number
of ways, from having a pleasant sexual encounter to buy-
ing a new outfit to receiving a compliment to ingesting
certain drugs. Genuine self-efficacy and self-respect ask
more of us than this.
33

In Time (February 5, 1990), an article appeared that
stated:
A standardized math test was given to 13-year-olds in
six countries last year. Koreans did the best, Americans
did the worst, coming in behind Spain, Ireland, and Can-
ada. Now the bad news. Besides being shown triangles
and equations, the kids were shown the statement "I am
good at mathematics."
Americans were No.l, with an impressive 68% in agree-
ment. American students may not know their math, but
they have evidently absorbed the lessons of the newly
fashionable self-esteem curriculum wherein kids are
taught to feel good about themselves.
Within the limits of this naive and primitive under-
standing of self-esteem, the criticisms of "self-esteem cur-
riculums" the author of this article goes on to make are
justified. Therefore, when I write of self-efficacy or self-
respect, I do so in the context of reality, not of feelings
generated out of wishes or affirmations. One of the char-
acteristics of people with healthy self-esteem is that they
tend to assess their abilities and accomplishments realisti-
cally, neither denying nor exaggerating them.
Might a student do poorly in school and yet have good
self-esteem? Of course. There are any number of reasons
why a particular boy or girl might not do well scholasti-
cally, including lack of adequate challenge and stimulation.
Grades are hardly a reliable indicator of a given individuals
self-efficacy and self-respect. But rationally self-esteeming
students do not delude themselves that they are doing
well when they are doing poorly.
Schools should indeed be concerned to introduce self-
esteem principles and practices into their curricula, and
there are some excellent programs now in place. But we
do not serve the healthy development of young people
when we convey that self-esteem may be achieved by
reciting "I am special" every day, or by stroking one's own
face while saying "I love me," or by identifying self-worth
with membership in a particular group ("ethnic pride")
rather than with personal character.
On this last point, let us remember that self-esteem
pertains to that which is open to our volitional choice. It
cannot properly be a function of the family we were born
into, or our race, or the color of our skin, or the achieve-
ments of our ancestors. These are values people some-
times cling to in order to avoid responsibility for achieving
authentic self-esteem. They are sources of what, below, I
call "pseudo-self-esteem." Can one ever take legitimate
pleasure in any of these values? Of course. Can they ever
provide temporary support for fragile, growing egos?
Probably. But they are not substitutes for consciousness,
responsibility, or integrity. They are not sources of self-
efficacy and self-respect. They can, however, become
sources of self-delusion.
But Is It Authentic?
Sometimes we see people who enjoy worldly success, or
are widely esteemed, and who have a public veneer of as-

surance, yet are deeply dissatisfied, anxious, or depressed.
They may project the appearance of self-esteem, but do not
possess the reality. How might we understand them?
Let us begin with the observation that to the extent
that we fail to develop authentic self-esteem, the conse-
quences are varying degrees of anxiety, insecurity, self-
doubt. This is the sense of being, in effect, inappropriate
to existence (although no one thinks of it in these terms;
instead, one might feel something is wrong with me).
This state is extremely painful. And because it is painful,
we are motivated to evade it, to deny our fears, rationalize
our behavior, and fake a self-esteem we do not possess.
We may develop what I have termed pseudo-self-esteem.
Pseudo-self-esteem is the illusion of self-efficacy and self-
respect without the reality. It is a nonrational, self-pro-
tective device to diminish anxiety and to provide a spuri-
ous sense of security — to assuage our need for authentic
self-esteem while allowing the real causes of its lack to
be evaded. It is based on values that may be appropriate
or inappropriate but that in either case are not intrinsi-
cally related to that which genuine self-efficacy and self-
respect require.
For example, instead of seeking self-esteem through
consciousness, responsibility, and integrity, we may seek
it through popularity, prestige, material acquisitions, or
sexual exploits. Instead of valuing personal authenticity,
we may value belonging to the right clubs, or the right
church, or the right political party. Instead of practicing
appropriate self-assertion, we may practice blind loyalty
to our particular group. Instead of seeking self-respect
through honesty, we may seek it through philanthropy (I
must be a good person, I do "good works")- Instead of
striving for the power of competence, we may pursue the
"power" of manipulating or controlling other people.
The possibilities for self-deception are almost endless
— all the blind alleys down which we can lose ourselves,
not realizing that what we desire cannot be purchased
with counterfeit currency.
Self-esteem is an intimate experience; it resides in the
core of my being. It is what I think and feel about myself,
not what someone else thinks or feels about me. This
simple fact can hardly be over-stressed.
I can be loved by my family, my mate, and my friends,
and yet not love myself. I can be admired by my associates
yet regard myself as worthless. I can project an image of
assurance and poise that fools virtually everyone and yet
secretly tremble with a sense of my inadequacy.
I can fulfill the expectations of others and yet fail my
own; I can win every honor, yet feel I have accomplished
nothing; I can be adored by millions and yet wake up
each morning with a sickening sense of fraudulence and
emptiness.
To attain "success" without attaining positive self-es-
teem is to be condemned to feeling like an impostor anx-
iously awaiting exposure.
Acclaim Is Not Self-Esteem
The acclaim of others does not create our self-esteem.
Neither do knowledge, skills, material possessions, mar-

riage, parenthood, philanthropic endeavors, sexual con-
quests, or face lifts. These things can sometimes make us
feel better about ourselves temporarily, or more com-
fortable in particular situations. But comfort is not self-
esteem.
Unfortunately, teachers of self-esteem are no less im-
pervious to the worship of false gods than anyone else. I
recall listening to a lecture by a man who conducts self-
esteem seminars. He announced that one of the very best
ways to raise our self-esteem is to surround ourselves
with people who think highly of us. I thought of the
nightmare of low self-esteem in persons surrounded by
praise and adulation — like rock stars who have no idea
how they got where they are and who cannot survive a
day without drugs. I thought of the futility of telling a
person of low self-esteem, who feels lucky if he or she is
accepted by anyone, that the way to raise self-esteem is to
seek the company only of admirers.
Clearly it is wiser to seek companions who are the
friends of ones self-esteem rather than its enemies. Nur-
turing relationships are preferable to toxic ones. But to
look to others as a primary source of our self-esteem is
dangerous: first, because it doesn't work; and second, be-
cause we run the risk of becoming approval addicts, which
is deadly to mental and emotional well-being.
I do not wish to suggest that a psychologically healthy
person is unaffected by the feedback he or she receives
from others. We are social beings and certainly others
contribute to our self-perceptions. But there are gigantic
differences among people in the relative importance to
their self-esteem of the feedback they receive — persons
for whom it is almost the only factor of importance and
persons for whom the importance is a good deal less. This
is merely another way of saying there are gigantic differ-
ences among people in the degree of their autonomy.
Having worked for over thirty years with persons who
are unhappily preoccupied with the opinions of others, I
am persuaded that the most effective means of liberation
is by raising the level of consciousness one brings to one's
own experience; the more one turns up the volume on
ones inner signals, the more external signals tend to re-
cede into proper balance. This entails, as I wrote in
Honoring The Self, learning to listen to the body, learning to
listen to the emotions, learning to think for oneself.
Authentic Pride
If self-esteem pertains to the experience of our funda-
mental competence and value, pride pertains to the more
explicitly conscious pleasure we take in ourselves because
of our actions and achievements. Self-esteem contem-
plates what needs to be done and says "I can." Pride con-
templates what has been accomplished and says "I did."
Authentic pride has nothing in common with bragging,
boasting, or arrogance. It comes from an opposite root.
Not emptiness but satisfaction is its wellspring. It is not
out to "prove" but to enjoy.

Pride is the emotional reward of achievement. It is not
a vice to be overcome, but a value to be attained. Does
achievement always result in pride? Not necessarily, as
the following story illustrates.
The head of a medium-sized company consulted me
because, he said, although he had made a great success of
his business, he was depressed and unhappy and could
not understand why. We discovered that what he had
always wanted to be was a research scientist but that he
had abandoned that desire in deference to his parents
who pushed him toward a career in business. Not only
was he unable to feel more than the most superficial kind
of pride in his accomplishments, but he was wounded in
his self-esteem.
The reason was not difficult to identify. In the most
important issue of his life he had surrendered his mind
and values to the wishes of others, out of the wish to be
"loved" and to "belong." Clearly a still earlier self-esteem
problem motivated such a capitulation.
His depression reflected a lifetime of performing bril-
liantly while ignoring his deepest needs. While he operated
within that framework, pride and satisfaction were be-
yond his reach. Until he was willing to challenge that
framework, and to face the fear of doing so, no solution
was possible.
This is an important point to understand because we
sometimes hear people say, "I have accomplished so much.
Why don't I feel more proud of myself?"
Although there are several reasons why someone may
not enjoy his or her achievements, it can be useful to ask,
"Who chose your goals? You — or the voice of some 'signif-
icant other' inside you?" Neither pride nor self-esteem
can be supported by the pursuit of second-hand values
that do not reflect who we really are.
Volitional Choice: What We AreWilling To Do
As far as our own actions and behavior are concerned,
our self-esteem depends, to a very great extent, on what
we are willing to do.
I stress this aspect of volitional choice because there is
reason to believe that we may come into this world with
certain inherent differences that may make it easier or
harder to attain healthy self-esteem — differences per-
taining to energy, resilience, disposition to enjoy life, and
the like. I suspect that in future years we will learn that
our genetic inheritance is definitely part of the story.
And certainly upbringing can play a powerful role. No
one can say how many individuals suffer such damage in
the early years before the psyche is fully formed, that it is
all but impossible for healthy self-esteem to emerge later,
short of intense psychotherapy.
Research suggests that one of the best ways to have
good self-esteem is to have parents who have good self-
esteem and who model it, as is made clear in Stanley
Coopersmith's The Antecedents Of Self-Esteem. In addition,

if we have parents who raise us with love and respect,
who allow us to experience consistent and benevolent
acceptance, who give us the supporting structure of rea-
sonable rules and appropriate expectations, who do not
assail us with contradictions, who do not resort to ridi-
cule, humiliation, or physical abuse as means of control-
ling us, who project that they believe in our competence
and goodness — we have a decent chance of internalizing
their attitudes and thereby acquiring the foundation for
healthy self-esteem.
But no research study has ever found this result to be
inevitable. Coopersmiths study, for one, clearly shows
that it is not. There are people who appear to have been
raised superbly by the standards indicated above, and yet
who are insecure, self-doubting adults. And there are peo-
ple who have emerged from appalling backgrounds, raised
by adults who did everything wrong, yet they do well in
school, form stable and satisfying relationships, have a
powerful sense of their own value and dignity, and as
adults satisfy any rational criterion of good self-esteem. It
is as if they were put on earth to baffle and confound
psychologists.
While we may not know all the biological or develop-
mental factors that influence self-esteem, we know a good
deal about the specific (volitional) practices that can raise
or lower it. We know that an honest commitment to un-
derstanding inspires self-trust and that an avoidance of
the effort has the opposite effect. We know that people
who live mindfully feel more competent than those who
live mindlessly. We know that integrity engenders self-
Ther Power Of Self-Esteem 43
respect and that hypocrisy does not. We know all this im-
plicitly, although it is astonishing how rarely such matters
are discussed.
Supporting Self-Esteem
We cannot work on self-esteem directly, neither our
own nor anyone else s, because self-esteem is a consequence
— a product of internally generated practices — such as
that of living consciously, responsibly, purposefully, and
with integrity. If we understand what those practices are,
we can commit to initiating them within ourselves and to
dealing with others in such a way as to facilitate or encourage
them to do likewise. To encourage self-esteem in the fam-
ily, the school, or the workplace, for instance, is to create
an environment that supports and reinforces the practices
that strengthen self-esteem.
How Does Healthy Self-Esteem Manifes?
There are some fairly simple and direct ways in which
healthy self-esteem manifests itself in our being. These
include:
• A face, manner, way of talking and moving that
project the pleasure one takes in being alive.
• Ease in talking of accomplishments or shortcomings
with directness and honesty, since one is in friendly
relationship to facts.

• Comfort in giving and receiving compliments, ex-
pressions of affection, appreciation, and the like.
• Open to criticism and comfortable about acknowl-
edging mistakes because one's self-esteem is not
tied to an image of "perfection."
• One's words and movements tend to have a quality
of ease and spontaneity since one is not at war
with oneself.
• Harmony between what one says and does and
how one looks, sounds and moves.
• An attitude of openness to and curiosity about new
ideas, new experiences, new possibilities of life.
• Feelings of anxiety or insecurity, if they present
themselves, will be less likely to intimidate or over-
whelm one, since accepting them, managing them
and rising above them rarely feels impossibly
difficult.
• An ability to enjoy the humorous aspects of life, in
oneself and others.
• Flexible in responding to situations and challenges,
moved by a spirit of inventiveness and even play-
fulness, since one trusts one's mind and does not
see life as doom or defeat.
• Comfort with assertive (not belligerent) behavior
in oneself and others.
• Ability to preserve a quality of harmony and digni-
ty under conditions of stress.
Then, on the purely physical level, one can observe
characteristics such as these:
• Eyes that are alert, bright, and lively.
• A face that is relaxed and (barring illness) tends to
exhibit natural color and good skin vibrancy.
• A chin that is held naturally and in alignment with
one's body.
• A relaxed jaw.
• Shoulders relaxed yet erect.
• Hands that tend to be relaxed, graceful, and quiet.
• Arms tend to hang in a relaxed, natural way.
• Posture tends to be relaxed, erect, well-balanced.
• A walk that tends to be purposeful (without being
aggressive and overbearing).
• Voice tends to be modulated with an intensity ap-
propriate to the situation, and with clear pronun-
ciation.
Notice that the theme of relaxation occurs again and
again. Relaxation implies that we are not hiding from
ourselves and are not at war with who we are. Chronic
tension conveys a message of some form of internal
split, some form of self-avoidance or self-repudiation,

some aspect of the self being disowned or held on a very
tight leash.
I asked a variety of psychotherapists of different theo-
retical orientations by what fairly simple criteria they
would intuit a clients self-esteem. Interestingly, there was
a high level of agreement among us.
How Much Is Enough Self-Esteem?
Is it possible to have too much self-esteem?
No, it is not; no more than it is possible to have too
much physical health. Sometimes self-esteem is confused
with boasting or bragging or arrogance, but such traits
reflect, not too much self-esteem, but too little. They
reflect a lack of self-esteem. People of high self-esteem
are not driven to make themselves superior to others;
they do not seek to prove their value by measuring them-
selves against a comparative standard. Their joy is in being
who they are, not in being better than someone else.
Engendering Resentment In The Less Secure
True enough, people with troubled self-esteem are
often uncomfortable in the presence of high self-esteem
people and they may even feel resentful and declare,
"They have too much self-esteem."
Insecure men, for instance, often feel more insecure in
the presence of self-confident women. Low self-esteem
individuals often feel irritable in the presence of people
who are enthusiastic about life. If one partner in a mar-
riage, whose self-esteem is deteriorating, sees that the
partners self-esteem is growing, the response is sometimes
anxiety and an attempt to abort the growth process.
The sad truth is, whoever is successful in this world
runs the risk of being a target. People of low achievement
often envy and resent people of high achievement. Those
who are unhappy often envy and resent those who are
happy. Those of low self-esteem sometimes like to talk
about the danger of having "too much self-esteem."

4
Reflections On
The Sources Of
Self-Esteem

I remember as a child being enormously be-
wildered by the behavior of adults, by what I perceived as
the strangeness and superficiality of their values, by the
lack of congruence between statements and feelings, by
an anxiety that seemed to saturate much of the atmos-
phere around me, and by the overwhelming sense that
often the adults did not know what they were doing, that
they were lost and helpless while pretending to be in
control. This experience was painful and at times fright-
ening. I desperately wanted to understand why human
beings behaved as they did. Somewhere in my mind, at
quite a young age, there must have been the conviction
that knowledge is power, safety, security, and serenity.
Doubtless this conviction played a significant role in my
choice of profession.
51

All of us know times of bewilderment, despair, and a
painful sense of impotence or inadequacy. The question
is: Do we allow such moments to define us?
Its not that people of healthy self-esteem do not suffer
or sometimes know anxiety. But they are not stopped by
such experiences. They do not identify themselves with
their fear or pain, just as, if they got sick, they would not
identify themselves with their sickness. They do not see
suffering as the essence of life.
Living Consciously, Responsibly, With Integrity
The need for self-esteem arises from the fact that the
function of our consciousness is volitional, which confers
upon us a unique task — that of making ourselves com-
petent to cope with the challenges of life. We achieve this
by living consciously, responsibly, and with integrity.
We should judge ourselves by that which is in our vo-
litional control, as I have already stressed. To judge our-
selves by that which depends on the will and choices of
others is clearly dangerous to our self-esteem. The trag-
edy of millions of people is that this is just what they do.
Self-esteem pertains to the issue of our fundamental
appropriateness to life and, therefore, to the mental oper-
ations that lie behind our behavior. If this is understood,
we can readily appreciate the error of measuring our
worth by such standards as our popularity, influence, af-
fluence, material possessions, or good looks.
Since we are social beings, some measure of esteem
from others is necessary. But to tie our self-assessment to
the good opinion of others is to place ourselves at their
mercy in the most humiliating way. The desire to "please"
(and to avoid disapproval) can lead us to do things that
betray our self-esteem. And what are we to do when the
people whose esteem we desire have different expecta-
tions, so that to gain the approval of one of our significant
others is to risk the disapproval of another?
Or again, we may take pleasure in an attractive appear-
ance, but to tie our self-esteem to our appearance is to be
in growing terror with every passing year as the marks of
age inevitably advance upon us. And if our good looks are
far superior to our behavior, they will hardly heal the
psychic wounds inflicted by dishonesty, irresponsibility,
or irrationality.
A Commitment To Awareness:
The Will To Understand
Whenever we see men and women of high self-esteem,
we see a high commitment to awareness as a way of life.
They live mindfully.
They are concerned to know what they are doing when
they act, to understand themselves and the world around
them — including the feedback they receive, which in-
forms them whether they are on- or off-course with re-
gard to their goals and purposes.

In Honoring the Self, I call this attitude "the will to under-
stand."
The potential range of our awareness depends on the
extent of our intelligence, on the breadth of our abstract
capacity, which means our ability to grasp relationships
(to see the connection between things). But the principle
of commitment to awareness, or the will to understand,
remains the same on all levels of intelligence. It entails the
behavior of seeking to integrate that which enters our
mental field — as well as the effort to keep expanding
that field.
The beginning of self-assertion is the assertion of con-
sciousness itself, the act of seeing and of seeking to grasp
that which we see, of hearing and of seeking to grasp that
which we hear — or responding to life actively rather
than passively. This is the foundation of good self-esteem.
The Bewildering World Of Adults
Many children undergo experiences that place enor-
mous obstacles in the way of the healthy development of
this attitude. A child may find the world of parents and
other adults incomprehensible and threatening. The self
is not nurtured but attacked. After a number of unsuc-
cessful attempts to understand adult policies, statements,
and behavior, some children give up—and take the blame
for their feelings of helplessness. Often they sense, mis-
erably, desperately, and inarticulately, that there is some-
thing terribly wrong — with their elders, or with them-
selves, or with something. What they often come to feel is:
"111 never understand people; 111 never be able to do what
they expect of me; I don't know what's right or wrong,
and I'm never going to know."
Developing A Powerful Source Of Strength
The child who continues to struggle to make sense out
of the world and the people in it, however, is developing
a powerful source of strength, no matter what the anguish
of bewilderment experienced. Caught in a particularly
cruel, frustrating, and irrational environment, he or she
will doubtless feel alienated from many of the people in
the immediately surrounding world, and legitimately so.
But the child will not feel alienated from reality, will not
feel, at the deepest level, incompetent to live — or at least
he or she has a relatively good chance to avoid this fate.
The growing individual who retains a commitment to
awareness learns subjects, acquires skills, accomplishes
tasks — reaches goals. And of course these successes
validate and reinforce the choice to think. The sense of
being appropriate to life feels natural.
A commitment to awareness, then — a commitment to
rationality, consciousness, respect for reality, as a way of
life — is both a source and an expression of positive self-
esteem.
Often we associate positive self-esteem only with the
result — with knowledge, success, the admiration and ap-

preciation of others — and miss the cause: all the choices
that, cumulatively, add up to what we call a commitment to
awareness, the will to understand. We thus can deceive
ourselves about the actual sources of self-esteem.
The Will To Be Efficacious
Where we see self-esteem, we see what I call "the will
to be efficacious."
The concept of the will to be efficacious is an extension
of the will to understand. It places its emphasis on the
aspect of perseverance in the face of difficulties: continu-
ing to seek understanding when understanding does not
come easily; pursuing the mastery of a skill or the solution
to a problem in the face of defeats; maintaining a commit-
ment to goals while encountering many obstacles along
the way.
The will to be efficacious is the refusal to identify our
ego or self with momentary feelings of helplessness and
defeat.
Many years ago I witnessed an encounter between
two colleagues, a psychologist and a psychiatrist, which
was important for my own understanding of the issue I
am discussing. The two men were first cousins and had
grown up in similar environments. They shared many
painful memories of the behavior of their elders and
other relatives.
"You survived all that in a way I didn't," the psychiatrist
said to the psychologist. "They didn't get to you. I always
wondered what made you persevere. Because I didn't. I
gave up in some way."
The psychologist answered, "I do recall feeling quite
overwhelmed many times. But somewhere deep in my
body was a voice saying, 'Don't give up. Hang on.' Hang on
to staying conscious, I suppose. Hang on to trying to un-
derstand. Don't give up the conviction that it's possible to
be in control of your life. Obviously those weren't the
words I used as a child, but that was the meaning. That's
what I clung to."
"The will to be efficacious," I volunteered impulsively.
The will to be efficacious — here was a concept that
helped me explain something I had observed in my clients
and students, the principle to help understand the differ-
ence between those who felt fundamentally defeated by
life and those who did not.
The will to be efficacious — the refusal of a human con-
sciousness to accept helplessness as its permanent and unalterable
condition.
"Strategic Detachment"
Knowing You Are More Than Your Problems
It is impressive to see a person who has been battered
by life in many ways, who is torn by a variety of unsolved
problems, who may be alienated from many aspects of
the self — and yet who is still fighting, still struggling,
still striving to find the path to a more fulfilling existence,

moved by the wisdom of knowing, "I am more than my
problems."
Children who survive extremely adverse childhoods
have learned a particular survival strategy that relates to
the issue we are discussing. I call it "strategic detachment."
This is not the withdrawal from reality that leads to psy-
chological disturbance, but rather an intuitively calibrated
disengagement from noxious aspects of their family life or
other aspects of their world. They somehow know, This is
not all there is. They hold the belief that a better alternative
exists somewhere and that some day they will find their way to
it. They persevere in that idea. They somehow know
Mother is not all women, Father is not all men, this family does not
exhaust the possibilities of human relationships — there is life
beyond this neighborhood. This does not spare them suffering
in the present, but it allows them not to be destroyed by
it. Their strategic detachment does not guarantee that
they will never know feelings of powerlessness, but it
helps them not to be stuck there.
Whether as children or adults, having the will to be
efficacious does not mean that we deny or disown feelings
of inefficacy when they arise. It means that we do not
accept them as permanent. We feel temporarily helpless
without defining our essence as helplessness. We can feel
temporarily defeated without defining our essence as fail-
ure. We can allow ourselves to feel temporarily hopeless,
overwhelmed, while preserving the knowledge that after
a rest, we will pick up the pieces as best we can and start
moving forward again. Our vision of our life extends
beyond the feelings of the moment. Our concept of self
can rise above todays adversity. This is one of the forms
of heroism possible to a volitional consciousness.
Self-Esteem And IQ
No study has ever suggested that good self-esteem
correlates with IQ. And this is not surprising. Self-esteem
is a function, not of our native endowment, but of our
manner of using our consciousness — the choices we
make concerning awareness, the honesty of our relation-
ship to reality, the level of our personal integrity.
Self-esteem is neither competitive nor comparative. Its
context is always the individuals relationship to self and
to the choices of self. A person of high intelligence and
high self-esteem does not feel more appropriate to life or
more worthy of happiness than a person of high self-es-
teem and more modest intelligence.
An analogy may prove helpful. Two people may be
equally healthy and physically fit, but one is stronger than
the other. The one who is stronger does not experience a
higher level of physical well-being; one can merely do some
things the other cannot. Looking at them from the outside,
we may say that one enjoys certain advantages over the
other. But this does not mean that there is a difference in
the internal feeling of wellness and aliveness.

Thinking Independently
Intellectual independence is implicit in the commitment
to awareness or the will to understand. A person cannot
think through the mind of another. We can learn from one
another, but knowledge entails understanding, not mere
repetition or imitation. We can either exercise our own
mind or pass on to others the responsibility of knowledge
and evaluation and accept their verdicts more or less un-
critically. The choice we make is crucial for the way we
experience ourselves and for the kind of life we create.
Goals And Intentions Are Crucial
That we are sometimes influenced by others in ways
we do not recognize does not alter the fact that there is a
distinction between the psychology of those who try to
understand things for themselves, think for themselves,
judge for themselves, and those to whom such a possibil-
ity rarely occurs. What is crucial here is the matter of
intention, the matter of an individual's goal.
I recall a client in therapy once saying to me, "I can't
understand why I'm always relying on the opinions of
other people."
I asked her, "As you were growing up, did you ever want
to be independent — did you ever make independence
your goal?"
She pondered for a moment, then replied, "No."
I said, "No need to be surprised, then, that you didn't
arrive there."
To speak of "thinking independently" is useful because
the redundancy has value in terms of emphasis. Often
what people call "thinking" is merely recycling the opinions
of others. So we can say that thinking independently —
about our work, our relationships, the values that will
guide our life, the goals we will set for ourselves — is a
generator of self-esteem. And healthy self-esteem results
in a natural inclination to think independently.
Self-Esteem Is Acquired,Not Given
Seeing only the tail end of the process I am describing,
a person might say, "Its easy for him to think indepen-
dently. Look at how much self-esteem he has." But self-
esteem is not a given; it is acquired.
One of the ways self-esteem is acquired is by thinking
independently when it may not be easy to do so, when it
may even be frightening, when the person doing the think-
ing is struggling with feelings of uncertainty and insecu-
rity and is choosing to persevere nonetheless. It is not
always easy to stand by our judgment, and if it has become
easy, that itself is a psychological victory — because in the
past there were certainly times when it was not easy,
when the pressures against independent thought were
considerable, and when we had to confront and endure
anxiety.

When a child finds that his or her perceptions, feelings,
or judgments conflict with those of parents or other fam-
ily members, and the question arises of whether to heed
the voice of self or to disown it in favor of the voice of
others. When a woman believes that her husband is wrong
on some fundamental issue, and the question arises of
whether to express her thoughts or to suppress them and
thus protect the "closeness" of the relationship. When an
artist or scientist suddenly sees a path that would carry
him or her far from the consensual beliefs and values of
colleagues, far from the mainstream of contemporary ori-
entation and opinion, and the question arises of whether
to follow that lonely path wherever it leads or to draw
back. The issue and the challenge in all such situations
remain the same. Should one honor one's inner signals or
disown them?
Independence versus conformity,
self-expression versus self-repudiation,
self-assertion versus self-surrender.
The Heroism Of Consciousness
While it may sometimes be necessary, we do not nor-
mally enjoy long periods of being alienated from the think-
ing and beliefs of those around us, especially those we
respect and love. One of the most important forms of
heroism is the heroism of consciousness, the heroism of
thought; the willingness to tolerate aloneness.
Like every other psychological trait, independence is a
matter of degree. Although no one is perfectly indepen-
dent and no one is hopelessly dependent all of the time,
the higher the level of our independence and the more
willing we are to think for ourselves, the higher tends to
be the level of our self-esteem.
Learning To Discriminate
No one can feel properly efficacious (that is, competent
to cope with the basic challenges of life) who has not
learned to differentiate between facts on the one hand
and wishes and fears on the other.
The task is sometimes difficult because thoughts them-
selves are invariably touched or even saturated with feel-
ing. Still, on many occasions we can recognize that the
desire to perform some action is not proof that we should
perform it. Running out of the room in the midst of an
argument when we become upset, for example. And the
fact that we may be afraid to perform some action is not
proof that we should avoid performing it. Going to a
physician for a checkup when there are signs of illness is
another example.
If we make a purchase we know we cannot afford and
avoid thinking about impending bills we will not be able to
pay, we have surrendered our consciousness to our
wishes. If we ignore signs of danger in a marriage and
then profess to be bewildered and dismayed when the

marriage finally explodes, we have paid the penalty for
sacrificing consciousness to fear.
Our Underlying Intention
As far as our self-esteem is concerned, the issue is not
whether we are flawless in executing the task of distin-
guishing among facts, wishes, and fears and choosing con-
sciousness over some form of avoidance. Rather, the issue
is one of our underlying intention.
When we describe a person as "basically honest," in the
sense meant here, we do not mean that he or she is imper-
vious to the influence of the wishes and fears, but rather
that there is a pronounced and evident desire and intention
to see things as they are. We cannot always know for
certain whether or not we are being rational or honest;
but we can certainly be concerned about it, we can cer-
tainly care. We are not always free to succeed in our
thinking, but we are always free to try.
The accumulated sum of our choices in this matter
yields an inner sense of basic honesty or dishonesty — a
fundamental responsibility or irresponsibility toward ex-
istence. From childhood on, some individuals are far more
interested in and respectful of such questions of truth
than others. Some operate as if facts need not be facts if
we do not choose to acknowledge them, as if truth is
irrelevant and lies are lies only if someone finds them out.
The task of consciousness is to perceive that which
exists, to the best of our ability. To honor reality — the
perception of that which exists — is to honor conscious-
ness; to honor consciousness is to honor self-esteem.
Integrity
Where we see self-esteem, we see behavior that is con-
sistent with the individuals professed values, convictions,
and beliefs. We see integrity.
When we behave in ways that conflict with our judg-
ments of what is appropriate, we lose face in our own
eyes. We respect ourselves less. If the policy becomes ha-
bitual, we trust ourselves less — or cease to trust our-
selves at all.
In their eagerness to dissociate themselves from philos-
ophy in general and ethics in particular, psychologists are
often uncomfortable with anything that sounds like a ref-
erence to morality in the context of psychotherapy or
psychological well-being. In consequence, they can miss
the obvious fact that integrity is, in effect, one of the
guardians of mental health and that it is cruel and mis-
leading to encourage people to believe that practicing "un-
conditional positive regard" toward themselves will bring
them to undiluted self-love, irrespective of the question
of their personal integrity.

Values, Principles, And Standards
Sometimes an individual seeks to escape from the bur-
den of integrity by disavowing, or professing to disavow,
all values and standards. The truth is, human beings can-
not successfully regress to a lower level of evolution; we
cannot draw back to a time before thinking in principles
and long-range planning were possible. We are conceptual
beings, that is our nature, and we cannot function suc-
cessfully as anything less. We need values to guide our
actions. We need principles to guide our lives. Our stan-
dards may be appropriate or inappropriate to the require-
ments of our life and well-being, but to live without stan-
dards of any kind is impossible. So profound a rebellion
against our nature as the attempt to discard all values,
principles, and standards is itself an expression of impov-
erished self-esteem and a guarantee the impoverishment
will be ongoing.
Let us acknowledge that the issue of living up to our
standards is not always simple. What if our standards are
mistaken or irrational?
A Code Of Values
We may accept a code of values that does violence to
our needs as living organisms. For example, certain reli-
gious teachings implicitly or explicitly damn sex, damn
pleasure, damn the body, damn ambition, damn material
success, damn (for all practical purposes) the enjoyment
of life on earth. This acceptance of life-denying standards
is an enormous problem and one I have written about in
The Psychology of Self-Esteem and Honoring the Self.
Here, I will simply observe that once we see that living
up to our standards appears to be leading us toward self-
destruction, the time has obviously come to question our
standards, rather than simply resigning ourselves to living
without integrity. We may need to summon up the courage
to challenge some of our deepest assumptions concerning
what we have been taught to regard as the good.
Self-Acceptance
Where we see self-esteem, we see self-acceptance. High
self-esteem individuals tend to avoid falling into an adver-
sarial relationship with themselves.
If we are to grow and change, we must begin by learn-
ing self-acceptance. In my experience, self-acceptance is
not an easy concept for most people to understand. (In
How to Raise "Your Self-Esteem, the longest chapter is devoted
to this issue.) The tendency is to equate self-acceptance
with the approval of every aspect of our personality (or
physical appearance) and with the denial that any change
or improvement might be desirable.
To be self-accepting does not mean to be without a wish
to change, improve, evolve. It means not to be at war with
ourselves — not to deny the reality of what is true of us

right now, at this moment of our existence. We deal here
with the issue of respect for and acceptance of the facts —
in this case, the facts of our own being.
To accept ourselves is to accept the fact that what we
think, feel, and do are all expressions of the self at the time
they occur. So long as we cannot accept the fact of what we
are at any given moment of our existence, so long as we
cannot permit ourselves fully to be aware of the nature of
our choices and actions, cannot admit the truth into our
consciousness, we cannot change.
Accepting what I am requires that I approach the con-
templation of my own experience with an attitude that
makes the concepts of approval or disapproval irrelevant:
the desire to be aware.
Unconditional Self-Acceptance
There is still a deeper level on which we need to under-
stand self-acceptance. Self-acceptance, in the ultimate
sense, refers to an attitude of self-value and self-commit-
ment that derives fundamentally from the fact that I am
alive and conscious. It is deeper than self-esteem. It is a
prerational, premoral act of self-affirmation — a kind of
primitive egoism that is the birthright of every conscious
organism. Yet, human beings have the power to act
against or nullify this deep self-affirmation.
An attitude of self-acceptance is precisely what an ef-
fective psychotherapist appeals to or strives to awaken in
a person of even the lowest self-esteem. This attitude can
inspire a person to face whatever he or she most dreads
to encounter within, without collapsing into self-hatred,
repudiating the value of his or her person, or surrendering
the will to live. Thus a person might be unhappy about
experiencing poor self-esteem, yet accept it along with
the self-doubts and feelings of guilt. "I accept them as
part of how I experience myself right now."
Self-acceptance, at this level, is unconditional. Self-es-
teem is not, and cannot be.
When I endeavor to communicate the concept of self-
acceptance to clients in therapy, I am sometimes met with
protests. "But I don't like the way I am. I want to be differ-
ent." Or, "I see people I admire — people who are strong,
confident, assertive. That's the way I want to be. Why
should I accept being a nonentity?"
We can note here the two fallacies already mentioned:
the belief that if we accept who and what we are, we must
approve of everything about us, and the belief that if we
accept who and what we are, we are indifferent to change
or improvement.
Self-Acceptance Facilitates Change
I recall a female client who insisted that she could not
possibly feel anything but self-loathing because of her
inability to refuse any mans sexual overtures. I asked her
if it was really true that she saw herself as a woman who

could not say no. "Yes," she replied tearfully. I asked her if
she was willing to accept that fact. "I hate it!" she replied.
I said that since it was true that was how she saw
herself, was she willing to accept that truth and acknowl-
edge it? After some initial reluctance she said, "I accept
the fact that I see myself as a woman who can't say no."
When I asked her how saying that made her feel, she
replied, "Angry."
Then I asked her if she could accept the fact that she
feels very angry when she acknowledges perceiving her-
self as a woman who can't say no.
She said indignantly, "I refuse to accept the fact that I am
that kind of person!"
I asked her, "Then how can you ever hope to change?"
I guided her through several psychological exercises
aimed at facilitating her acceptance of her present state.
Essentially they consisted of helping her experience that
this was the way she was right now. After a while, she
reported a change of feeling; she gave up the sense of
fighting herself. She began relaxing into the feeling that
"at this time in my life, this is part of who I am."
"This is so strange," she remarked. "Nothing has
changed. I still have the problem. But I feel calmer. I've
stopped shouting at myself. It's just . . . a fact about me. I
don't like it, but it's a fact. I acknowledge it. Not just with
words, but, you know, really accepted as true. Nothing
has changed, and yet I feel as if I have more self-respect."
Then she made the most significant statement. "And as
I begin to accept the reality of what I've been doing, how
I've been living, it seems as if it would be much harder to
go on doing it — I mean, to go on doing things of which
I disapprove. Things that are humiliating. Perhaps that's
why I've resisted accepting it. As soon as you stop fighting
and accept, something begins to happen."
The Power Of Self-Responsibility
Working with clients in psychotherapy, I am intrigued
by catching the moment at which growth suddenly seems
to spurt forward. I often see that the most radical trans-
formation occurs after the client s realization that no one is
coming to the rescue. "When I finally allowed myself to face
fully my own responsibility for my life," more than one
client has said to me, "I began to grow. I began to change.
And my self-esteem began to rise."
In reality, we are responsible for our choices and ac-
tions. Not responsible as the recipient of moral blame or
guilt, but responsible as the chief causal agent in our lives
and behavior.
I do not mean to imply that a person never suffers
through accident or through the fault of others, nor that
a person is responsible for everything in life that may
happen to him or her. We are not omnipotent. But self-
responsibility is clearly indispensable to good self-esteem.
Avoiding self-responsibility victimizes us with regard to
our own lives. It leaves us helpless. It is just this view
from which many people need to emancipate themselves
if they are ever to evolve to a nontragic sense of life.

There is self-empowerment in declaring (and meaning!):
"I am responsible for the attainment of my desires
and goals."
"I am responsible for my choices and actions."
"I am responsible for how I deal with people."
"I am responsible for the level of consciousness and
conscientiousness I bring to my work."
" am responsible for the decisions by which I live."
"I am responsible for my personal happiness."
Much more remains to be said about the conditions of
successful self-esteem — more than can be covered in this
book. What I have offered here are some general observa-
tions concerning the fundamentals.
The Roots Of Self-Esteem Are Internal
Self-esteem is rooted internally — in mental operations
— rather than in external successes or failures. This is an
essential point to understand.
The failure to understand this principle causes an incal-
culable amount of unnecessary anguish and self-doubt. If
we judge ourselves by criteria that entail factors outside
our volitional control, the result, unavoidably, is a precar-
ious self-esteem that is in chronic jeopardy. But our self-
esteem need not be affected or impaired if, in spite of our
best efforts, we fail in a particular undertaking, even
though we will not experience the same emotion of pride
that we would have felt if we had succeeded.
Further, we need to remember that the self is not a
static, finished entity, but a continually evolving creating,
an unfolding of our potentialities, expressed in our
choices, decisions, thoughts, judgments, responses, and
actions. To view ourselves as basically and unalterably
good or bad — independent of our present and future
manner of functioning — is to negate the facts of free-
dom, self-determination, and self-responsibility. We al-
ways contain within ourselves the possibility of change.
We need never be the prisoner of yesterdays choices.

5
The Power Of
Self-Esteem In
The Workplace

self-esteem may be the most important psy-
chological resource we have to help us meet the challenges
of the future. That challenge is especially evident in the
workplace where it is becoming clear that self-esteem is
not an emotional luxury but a survival requirement.
Recent research is helping to clarify the important role
that self-esteem plays in our ability to take risks, learn
new skills, be creative, take feedback, deal with others
fairly and benevolently, be productive and assertive. We
need to cultivate these important traits in order to function
optimally in our families, organizations and communities.
Chapter adapted from an interview with Nathaniel Branden by Eryn J. Kalish in
Networking Magazine, ®1991, Massachusetts Chapter of the American Society for
Training & Development.
77

We have reached a moment in history when self-es-
teem, which has always been a supremely important psy-
chological survival need, has now become a supremely
important economic survival need as well.
We have witnessed the shift from a manufacturing so-
ciety to an information society — and from a domestic
economy to a global economy. We live in a time of ex-
traordinarily rapid change, of phenomenal scientific and
psychological breakthrough. Muscle-work is becoming a
smaller and smaller part of our economic activity; mind-
work is on the rise. This is the day of the knowledge-
worker. New management techniques must be developed
that are appropriate for managing a better educated, more
independent and creative workforce. Even psychothera-
pists and counselors need greater awareness of these
issues as they see more clients with job-related stress.
Developments in the workplace in this time of accelerat-
ing change, choices, and challenges demand a greater capac-
ity for innovation, self-management, personal responsibility
and self-direction — all qualities of high self-esteem.
Trusting Yourself
The most fundamental meaning of self-esteem is trust
in your own mind, your own mental processes. Therefore,
trust in your ability to learn, to judge, to decide. So, the
primary way we can think of self-esteem as a survival
need is in the context of realizing that for humans, the
mind, or consciousness, is the basic means of survival on
which we rely to keep us in contact with reality and guide
our behavior appropriately.
An individual who at a core level distrusts his or her
own mind is severely disadvantaged in coping with the
choices and options that life presents.
Think of positive self-esteem as the immune system of
consciousness, providing resistance, strength and a capac-
ity for regeneration in handling the challenges of life.
The Ability To Make Decisions
Studies conducted among top executives suggest that
one of the leading causes of failure is the inability to make
decisions. That inability is due to troubled self-esteem —
distrusting ones own mind and judgment.
In many situations, a great amount of information must
be obtained and analyzed in order for managers to make
good decisions, and certainly the input of others is a con-
tributing factor. Much has been written about the value
of making "balanced" decisions, but that must mean more
than merely gathering votes. Consensus-thinking may ac-
tually lead away from innovative choices.
Guidelines For Making Decisions
In my view, decision-making is a matter of looking at
the widest possible context when you make your deci-
sions. Of asking yourself:

1. What are all of the factors I know of that can
conceivably bear upon my decision?
2. What are all of the foreseeable consequences of
my decision?
3. Who is likely to be affected and how?
In other words, a highly conscious person is looking for
the greatest amount of relevant input that he or she can
find to guide the decision-making process. It is not a matter
of my decision versus someone else's. It is an issue of re-
spect for fact, respect for truth. One of the hallmarks of
healthy self-esteem is a strong reality orientation — and
then trusting your own mind to make the right decision.
There will be contexts in which healthy self-esteem
includes or even demands getting input from others,
though that does not necessarily mean taking opinion
polls. Someone may be far ahead of the other people in-
volved and able to see things others are not able to see.
The Wright brothers, for example, did not bother to take
a poll.
The consensus model of decision-making has its place,
but depends to some extent on the ability of innovators or
visionaries to get their ideas across. Some are not able to
articulate the vision clearly enough to get support for
what might be the best decision. Some very important
ideas are lost to this inability.
For an innovator to put across the new product or tech-
nique or management method, a high level of self-esteem
is of inestimable value.
Approaching Others In A Benevolent Spirit
People who are happy to be themselves, who trust them-
selves, and are at peace with themselves, are free emo-
tionally and psychologically to approach others in a be-
nevolent spirit. Those with positive self-esteem tend to
elicit cooperation, shared enthusiasm and consensus more
readily than people who are more self-doubting, insecure
and think in terms of a you versus me, win/lose model of
human relationships.
Whether you are thinking about people in the context
of a large organization or in their personal lives, people
who trust themselves tend to deal with others with much
greater respect and benevolence than those who do not,
with predictable outcomes in terms of their ability to get
consensus.
The Conviction That We Are Worthy Of Success
This also relates to the worthiness component of self-
esteem — that conviction that we are worthy and deserv-
ing of success, happiness, trust, respect and love.
All of life consists of pursuing values. To pursue values,
I have to value the beneficiary of my values, namely my-
self. If at the core I don't feel worthy of success or happi-
ness, I most likely will not attain it, and if I do I am
unlikely to enjoy it. We often see people at work who feel

capable but not worthy. So they work and work and never
feel entitled to rest and enjoy what they have done.
People who doubt their efficacy and worth tend to ex-
perience fear of other people and, as a consequence, may
tend to fall into adversarial relationships with them. These
people are perceived as a threat.
If, in contrast, we have confidence in our efficacy and
worth, we are much less likely to fall into a "you versus
me" mentality. We are more likely to form cooperative
relationships and to be skillful at building consensus.
High Levels Of Social Cooperation
Allan S. Watterman, a New Jersey psychologist, did a
comprehensive review of all the literature that exists about
social cooperation and how well it correlates with a highly
developed individuality. He found that it correlated very
positively and not only with social cooperation but with
the qualities of benevolence, generosity and compassion.
People with high self-esteem are not driven to make
themselves superior to others; they do not seek to prove
their value by measuring themselves against a comparative
standard. Their joy is in being who they are, not in being
better than someone else.
Feeling As If You Make A Difference
I once worked with a rather unproductive team. One of
the core causes was that many of the individuals on that
team really didn't feel they could make a difference. They
didn't think that their contribution was going to count at
all. The more they began to believe their input would
matter, the more easily they cooperated with each other.
It was clearly an issue of self-esteem.
It is a basic human desire to be visible to others, to be
seen and appreciated for who we are. And it is natural to
want to work in an environment which supports us, sup-
ports our self-esteem, supports the view that our contri-
bution can and will make a difference.
As economic cycles change, there are periods when peo-
ple are unemployed or fear that they will be. Trying times
can be handled better by those whose self-esteem and
feelings of competence and self-worth are not derived
exclusively from their jobs.
Competence: Internal, Security
What I mean by competence is the internal security
that comes from trusting your own mental processes, not
from basing your feelings of self-worth on results which
do not always depend only on yourself.
Many years ago I gave a self-esteem seminar in Detroit
when the government was still in the process of deciding
whether or not to bail out Chrysler. There were a number
of Chrysler executives in the course and I said to them:
"Here is what is wrong with basing your self-esteem on
performance per se or income earning ability per se. Right

now some people you don't even know are trying to decide
whether or not to bail out Chrysler. Does it make sense
that you are willing to place your self-esteem in their
hands? If the idea offends you, good; it offends me. It
doesn't make any kind of sense that your self-esteem
should be at the mercy of factors over which you have
absolutely no control."
It is a very difficult concept for many people to accept
and understand. For men in our culture, and increasingly
for women, having worth is tied up with having a pay-
check or a job where you do something well.
Self-Esteem Anchored In Our
Ability To Learn
Because knowledge is exploding so rapidly, all of us, to
remain effective, need to have a commitment to lifelong
learning. For many, this represents a significant shift in
attitude. It is not easy to take a more abstract approach in
which self-esteem is anchored not in what we have or
know but in our ability to learn. This is important not
only in unstable economic times. Any unpredictable change
can force the need to learn something new and a person
should think in terms of his or her own processes, not
skills per se.
For example, it is more helpful to ask, "how did I go
from knowing nothing about engineering (or sales, or
training, etc. . . .) to knowing quite a bit about it? What
do I already know about learning unfamiliar things that I
can bring to this new challenge?"
High Expectations For Success
Those in a position to coach or train others need to
cultivate an appreciation for the ability to learn. In the
workplace, managers need to uphold high expectations
for success in themselves and in those they manage and
at the same time create an environment where it's safe to
make responsible mistakes. It is very tricky to create a
disciplined, risk-taking, non-punitive environment. Hold-
ing people to high levels of expectancy while allowing
them to grow and learn is not a contradiction, but it does
take a lot of careful thinking in order to implement.
You might start with the premise that they are going
to have something worthwhile and interesting to say.
And if you don't really believe that the person can think
and that their opinion is worth something, think about
how you would act if you did believe it. And then practice
those behaviors for 30-60 days and notice any changes
that occur.
Regarding setting high expectations, when delegating
work, ask the person if they can accomplish this task, if
they are willing to be responsible for delivering it, etc.
Work to get firm agreement about what has been prom-
ised. And then review it after the task is done.

Nathaniel Branden
Goal-Setting Responsibility
Whenever possible, it's desirable to have a group set its
own expectations and goals within the framework of the
organization's goals. It strengthens the experience of per-
sonal autonomy. And some research says that when
groups set their own goals they tend to set them higher
than when others set the goals for them.
Managers with positive self-esteem have less trouble
giving up control of goal-setting and other tasks. To im-
plement such management techniques as shared goal set-
ting it is probably worthwhile to bring in a self-esteem
expert who can really make clear what kind of difference
it will make in the workplace and why.
Initially, self-esteem training seminars are helpful with
the goal toward integrating the information into daily prac-
tices. Once people understand how self-esteem operates
in the human psyche, they will spot opportunities for
application that an outsider would not.
A manager is not a psychotherapist, and can't be ex-
pected to be. It has never been my view that managers
should be. And furthermore, employees don't sign on for
their manager s psychotherapy even if the manager were
so disposed.
Challenge, Stimulate, And Stretch
Studies suggest that we get the best out of people when
we ask a little more of them than they think they can do.
In other words, we stretch them. We set our sights high,
but not so high as to be paralyzing. I think the same prin-
ciple can be applied to ourselves. Managers need to set
their self-expectations realistically, to be sure, but high
enough to challenge, stimulate and stretch. For every indi-
vidual whose problem is that he overestimates his abilities,
there are a hundred people who underestimate theirs.
If I were the CEO of an organization, I would put a lot
of emphasis on cultivating in myself and my employees
the knowledge that people can do all kinds of things they
don't believe they can do. Positive expectancy can help
people see beyond their own limitations. In training man-
agers to help employees flourish, I would tell stories and
give all kinds of examples hoping to spark the manager's
creativity. This cannot be reduced to a training manual.
No Short-Cuts To Self-Esteem
There really aren't any shortcuts 'to high self-esteem;
we can't cheat reality. If we don't live consciously, authen-
tically, responsibly, and with high integrity, we may be
successful, popular, wealthy and belong to all the right
clubs, but we will have only pseudo self-esteem. Self-
esteem is always an intimate experience; it is what we
think and feel about ourselves, not what someone else
thinks and feels.
Self-esteem really is the reputation we get with our-
selves.
86

h:
6
Recommendations
ForFurther
Study

The central focus of my work as a psycholo-
gist has been the study of self-esteem, its role in human
life, and, most particularly, its impact on work and love. If
you have found the work you have just read of value, then
the following works are suggested for further reading.
The Psychology of Self-Esteem. This is my first major theo-
retical exploration and overview of the entire field. Unlike
my later books, it puts heavy emphasis on the philosoph-
ical foundations of my work. It deals with such questions
as: What is self-esteem and why do we need it? Why is
self-esteem such a powerful force in human life? What is
the meaning — and justification — of the idea of free
will? What is the relation of reason and emotion? How do
rationality and integrity relate to self-esteem? Which
91

moral values support self-esteem and which undermine
it? Why is self-esteem the key to motivation?
Breaking Free. This is an exploration of the childhood
origins of negative self-concepts, dramatized through a
series of vignettes taken from my clinical practice.
Through these stories we see in what ways adults can
adversely affect the development of a child's self-esteem.
Indirectly, therefore, the book is a primer on the art of
child-rearing.
The Disowned Self. This book examines the painful and
widespread problem of self-alienation, in which the indi-
vidual is out of touch with his or her inner world, and
indicates pathways to recovery. This book has proven
especially helpful for adult children of dysfunctional fam-
ilies. It takes a fresh look at the relation of reason and
emotion that goes beyond my earlier treatment of the
subject in its scope and depth. Demonstrating how and
why self-acceptance is essential to healthy self-esteem, it
points the way to the harmonious integration of thought
and feeling.
The Psychology Of Romantic Love. In this book I explore the
nature and meaning of romantic love, its difference from
other kinds of love, its historical development, and its spe-
cial challenges in the modern world. It addresses such ques-
tions as: What love is. Why love is born. Why does it some-
times flourish? Why does it sometimes die?
What Love Asks of Us. Originally published as The Roman-
tic Love Question-and-Answer Book, this revised and expanded
edition, written with my wife and colleague, Devers
Branden, addresses the questions we hear most often
from those struggling with the practical challenges of
making love work. It covers a wide range of topics, from
the importance of autonomy in relationships, to the art of
effective communication, to conflict-resolution skills, to
dealing with jealousy and infidelity, to coping with the
special challenges of children and in-laws, to surviving the
loss of love.
Honoring the Self. Again returning to the nature of self-
esteem and its role in our existence, this book is less
philosophical than The Psychology of Self-Esteem and more
developmental in its focus. It looks at how the self
emerges, evolves, and moves through progressively higher
stages of individuation. It explores what adults do that
nourishes or subverts the growth of a child's positive
sense of self — and what we as adults can do to raise the
level of our own self-esteem. It examines the psychology
of guilt. It addresses the relationship between self-esteem
and productive work. It is the best summation of my think-
ing on self-esteem to date (1992).
If You Could Hear What 1 Cannot Say. This is a workbook.
It teaches the fundamentals of my sentence-completion
technique and how it can be used by a person working
alone for self-exploration, self-understanding, self-heal-
ing, and personal growth.
The Art of Self-Discovery. This book carries the work of
the preceding volume further. Originally published as To
See What 1 See and Know What 1 Know, this revised and
expanded edition aims to provide counselors and psy-
chotherapists with tools to be utilized in their own clinical
practice.

How To Raise Your Self-Esteem. The purpose here is to
provide the reader with specific strategies for building
self-esteem. The discussion is more concrete than in my
earlier writings, more action-oriented. It is addressed
equally to people working on their own development and
to parents, teachers, and psychotherapists who are invited
to experiment with the techniques it describes.
Judgment Day: My Years with Ayn Rand. This investigative
memoir tells the story of my personal and intellectual
development, including the rises and falls and rises of my
own self-esteem, through my relationship with three
women, of which the centerpiece is my relationship with
novelist-philosopher Ayn Rand (The Fountainhead, Atlas
Shrugged). It describes the extraordinary contexts in which
I came upon some of my most important psychological
ideas, including my first understanding, at the age of twen-
ty-four, of the supreme importance of self-esteem to hu-
man well-being.
I am now at work on a major study of the foundations
of healthy self-esteem. The new book, entitled The Six
Pillars of Self-Esteem (to be published by Bantam Books in
1993), will explore the most important internal and exter-
nal factors that contribute to and support healthy self-
esteem. By "internal" I mean factors residing within, or
generated by, the individual — ideas or beliefs, practices
or behaviors. By "external" I mean factors in the environ-
ment: messages verbally or non-verbally transmitted, or
experiences evoked, by parents, "significant others,"
teachers, organizations, and culture. I shall examine self-
esteem from the inside and the outside: what is the con-
tribution of the individual to his or her self-esteem and
what is the contribution of other people? I regard this
book as the climax of a lifetime of studying self-esteem.
All of these books are published by Bantam Books, with
the exception of Judgment Day, which is published in hard-
cover by Houghton-Mifflin and in softcover by Avon.
Through the Branden Institute for Self-Esteem in Los
Angeles, we offer psychotherapy and family counseling;
conduct on-going self-esteem groups; give lectures, sem-
inars, and workshops; create self-esteem/high perform-
ance programs for organizations; and do telephone con-
sulting with individual and corporate clients.
For information, write to:
The Branden Institute for Self-Esteem
P.O. Box 2609
Beverly Hills, California 90213
Telephone: (310) 274-6361

BIBLIOGRAPHY
Bednar, Richard L., et al., Self-Esteem: Paradoxes & In-
novations In Clinical Theory & Practice, Washington,
DC: American Psychological Association, 1989.
Branden, Nathaniel, The Psychology Of Self-Esteem,
New York, NY: Bantam, 1971.
____, Honoring The Self: The Psychology Of Confi-
dence And Respect, New York, NY: Bantam, 1983.
____, How To Raise Your Self-Esteem, New York,
NY: Bantam, 1987.
Coopersmith, Stanley, The Antecedents Of Self-Esteem,
2nd Ed., Pala Alto, CA: Consulting Psychologists Pr.
Inc., 1981.
James, William, Principles Of Psychology, 2 Vols., Cam-
bridge, MA: Harvard University Press, 1983.
Toward A State Of Esteem; The Final Report Of The
California Task Force To Promote Self-Esteem And
Personal And Social Responsibility, Sacramento, CA:
Bureau of Publications, California State Department of
Education, 1990.
97

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