Living Well

Christian Practices for Everyday Life

6 Forgiving
Living Well: Christian Practices for Everyday Life

6 Forgiving

Yearning
How could families ever teach life’s lessons to each other
without the rich and powerful intimacy of forgiveness and
healing? What does it mean to be family and what does it
mean to live in relationship with others? So many of our
life lessons are learned from how we forgive—our efforts
to resolve and repair the errors we’ve made along the way.
Without the opportunity for healing and a second chance
(or third or thirtieth chance), we would all soon be estranged
from each other and doomed to repeat the same mistakes
over and over again.

Mending Tears One day as I was rushing off to a pre-work

meeting, Nick stopped me in the doorway and
said, “Judy doesn’t feel welcome here; you
My husband had died by the time Nick was
make her feel uncomfortable.” He was really
a senior in high school. Nick had a darling
angry and lashing out at me. Full of frustration
girlfriend whom we all liked. But I worried
because I felt I had handled the whole thing
about the seriousness of their relationship,
pretty well, I said, “Nick, what more do you
so Nick and I had a talk about it. I voiced my
want from me?” and stormed out the front
concern about pregnancy and what that could
door because I was running late.
mean in his life. He assured me it wasn’t a
problem. So when he came to me and told
After I had driven about ten blocks, the anger,
me Judy was pregnant, I was angry and hurt. I
tears, and frustration were replaced with
can’t remember what was said, but things soon
a great sense of sadness and a longing to
cooled down and life went on. Judy’s mom
understand. I turned the car around and went
made her a special dress for senior prom, we
back home. I went to him and said, “Nick, for
had a baby shower, and I felt everything was in
the things I’ve said and done that have hurt
place. Wrong!
you so much, I am so sorry.” He just grabbed
me and held on and cried his heart out. It
wasn’t that he was angry as much as he was
scared and didn’t know what to do next.
(Mary Jo Pedersen, Thomas Green, and
Ronald Wasikowski, More Than Meets the Eye)

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Darkness in a Relationship
She was angry, depressed and exhausted. She was
tired of being taken for granted, tired of working
without recognition, and tired of being ignored. She
felt worse than Cinderella. Overwhelmed by it all,
she threw the washcloth in the kitchen sink, ran up
to the bedroom, slammed the door, and collapsed in
tears on the bed.

Exhaustion and depression were her twin demons.

They fueled each other, and could seemingly pull her
into their grip at will. She wasn’t just tired; she was
exhausted to the bone. For weeks no appreciation or
affirmation had recharged her batteries. She wasn’t
just melancholy; she was depressed. Never had she up in presence. Somehow he knew that this is
felt so isolated and alone. the only way they might find reconciliation.

A short while later he slipped into the room. She had After many long minutes, she finally turned to
her back to him, and he came up behind her and him with red eyes and tear-stained cheeks. He
laid a gentle hand on her shoulder. With a jerk she offered a weak, apologetic grin. Both knew that
rejected it. The message was clear. “Don’t touch me!” they could now reconcile; they could begin to
talk through the problem and find resolution.
But after a few moments he laid his hand there But more importantly, both had a strong
again, gently, surely. Sometimes love and remorse are feeling they had just been guided through a
best expressed in silent presence. Neither one moved potentially dangerous experience, and had
for long moments. In the prolonged silence he felt somehow been saved.
her shoulders relax, if only slightly. (Leif Kehrwald)

H
He risked further by rubbing them gently. She was ave you ever noticed that the ones we
about to jerk again, but his touch was soothing. love the most are the ones we hurt the
Tension was draining away, so she allowed him most? It’s because they have given us
to rub. “I’m still mad, really mad,” she thought to their hearts to hold and cherish. And in spite
herself. of our good intentions, we bruise their hearts…
and they ours. The one relationship that is
The silence hung for a long time. He knew her perhaps more intimate and therefore more
anger was justified. Indeed, he had taken her for vulnerable to bruising than the parent-child
granted and basically ignored her for weeks, all bond is the spousal bond.
the while expecting everything to be just right at
home, especially since his own job had recently Usually, healing and reconciling require us to
been so stressful. do just the opposite of what our basic desires
would have us do. When we would just as soon
He also knew she would rather be alone with her take a slow boat to China than stick around
anger and tears. Yet somehow he knew that, for the with those ne’er-do-wells we live with, the
sake of their marriage, his presence was paramount. practice of forgiving beckons us to hang in and
Something told him to remain present even though remain present. It’s painful, it’s hard work, and
she didn’t want it right now. Something told him to the picture may get worse before it gets better,
show her in a silent, firm way that he was finally but somehow we know, for the sake of love and
hearing her cries. Something told him that at this family and commitment, we must remain and
moment the totality of their marriage was all rolled work toward healing.
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Reflecting
Forgiveness is about healing suffering for ourselves and others. Until we develop
compassion within ourselves and a concern about the welfare of others, we cannot
truly forgive.
—His Holiness, The Dalai Lama

Our Need for Forgiveness

What is your most vivid experience of
From the beginning of time, we humans have offering forgiveness to someone?
been in need of forgiveness, and from the What is your most vivid experience of
beginning of time we have been challenged to being forgiven by someone?
forgive one another. Because we are human,
Do you find it easier to forgive or to be
we yearn for relationship and intimacy. Just as
forgiven?
the Father, Son, and Spirit are One, we who are
created in the image of the Triune God seek Who do you know who forgives well?
oneness with God. This yearning of the heart In what ways does this person forgive
draws us to each other, seeking community. It’s well?
our nature. Who has taught you the most about
forgiveness?
Also, because we are human, we fail, we fall
short, we wound one another. We offend each How is forgiveness a part of your daily
other when we think only of ourselves. We life?
hurt one another when the circumstances of How do you benefit by being a
our lives get out of balance. It’s our nature. forgiving person?
If you wanted to become better at
Gratefully, because we are human and created
forgiving, where would you start?
in the image of a God who never stops loving
and never stops forgiving, we too seek to
mend our hurts with one another, heal our
wounds, and reconcile. Because we are human
we hunger to forgive and be forgiven. It’s our
nature.

Intimacy, conflict, and reconciling are all part

of human nature. And family living plays
a key role in teaching us about all three
components. Tap into your natural hunger
to forgive and to be forgiven. Read through
and reflect on the questions. Pause whenever
you wish for as long as you wish. Allow your
reflections to clarify and shape your hunger
for forgiveness.

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Why Should We Forgive?

According to Robert Enright, the reasons people forgive fall into the following eight categories:
1. You forgive to quiet your angry feelings.

2. Forgiveness changes destructive thoughts into quieter, more healthy thoughts.

3. As you forgive, you want to act more civilly toward the one who hurt you.

4. Forgiveness of one person helps you interact better with others. Perhaps your anger with
someone at work has spilled over to your relationship with your children. Forgiving that
person would be a gift to your children.

5. Forgiveness can improve your relationship with the one who hurt you.

6. Your forgiveness actually can help the one who hurt you see his or her unfairness and take
steps to stop it. Your forgiving can enhance the character of the one who hurt you.

7. You forgive because God asks you to do so. You forgive as an act of love toward God.

8. Forgiveness, as an act of kindness and love toward the one who hurt you, is a moral good
regardless of how the other is responding to you. Loving others while protecting yourself
from harm is a morally good thing to do.

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There is no simple formula for forgiveness,

rather, it is a practice that emerges directly
from one’s identity and character. Think
of the descriptive words you might use to
describe someone you admire: honest, bright,
empathetic, present, balanced, open, and
so on. Although it is not common practice,
you might also add “forgiving.” The Christian
practice of forgiving contributes favorably to
shaping one’s character.

Forgiveness, by definition, demands change

and transformation. You’ve been wounded,
offended, hurt by another. You feel angry and
resentful, and what’s more you feel justified
in your anger. After all, the other is to blame
and you are the innocent victim. Just knowing
that you are right and the other is wrong
gives you vindictive pleasure; yet you are still
angry and want revenge. You have no patience
for excuses from the other or for apparent
mitigating circumstances. You’ve been
wronged, pure and simple.
The first step toward change and
The practice and character of forgiveness transformation is to recognize in
challenges you to change your thought yourself the symptoms that forgiveness
pattern and transform your heart. How do you can relieve:
move from wanting to hear no excuses to an
eagerness to know what mitigates the offense? Feeling so wounded that you want
How do you begin to see that nothing is more revenge
destructive to the human spirit than the desire
for revenge? How do you begin to realize Brooding over petty grievances
that forgiveness is first an act of kindness Feeling guilty yourself and covering it
to yourself, and may or may not be an act of over with anger
kindness to the other? How do you begin to
Worry that it will all happen again
realize that, in the words of Karyn Kedar in God
Whispers, “we have greater things than anger to Bitterness and stubbornness that
feel.…When anger is replaced by forgiveness, permeates all arenas of your life
you are free to let love guide your life.” An ever-growing need to be right.

These are post-trauma symptoms that must be

relieved if you are to regain balance and once
again find happiness. Forgiveness relieves all of
these symptoms.

But the cure requires extraordinary courage.

As the Bhagavad Gita says, “If you want to see
the brave, look at those who can forgive. If you
want to see the heroic, look at those who can
love in return for hatred.”
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Exploring
God’s Spirit is at work forgiving, healing, and recreating us in the likeness of Christ for
life in God’s kingdom. Indeed, God’s Spirit is at work in the ways we learn to forgive
and be forgiven, to heal and be healed, to recreate and to be recreated in our lives with
others. In this light, it becomes apparent that Christian forgiveness is not only a word
spoken or heard, a gesture offered or received, an emotion experienced or transformed;
it’s a way of life to be lived in faithful response to the gracious love of God at work in our
world and in our lives.
(Susan Pendleton Jones and L. Gregory Jones, Forgiveness: Letting Go)

Forgiving Involves
Joseph was no longer about to control his
Courage feelings in front of his servants, so he ordered
them all to leave the room. No one else was
From our own tradition, no biblical character with him when Joseph told his brothers who
shows this heroic courage more than Joseph, he was. He cried with such loud sobs that the
son of Jacob, who was betrayed by his brothers, Egyptians heard it, and the news was taken to
nearly left to die in the desert, and at the last the king’s palace. Joseph said to his brothers, “I
minute sold off to the Egyptians. Read Genesis, am Joseph. Is my father still alive?” But when
chapters 37—50. Joseph’s story has one dra- his brothers heard this, they were so terrified
matic twist after another. After beating and that they could not answer him. Then Joseph
selling him into slavery, the brothers return said to his brothers, “Please come closer.” They
home to lie to their father, Jacob. But Joseph is did, and he said, “I am your brother Joseph,
rescued and taken to Egypt, where he eventu- whom you sold into Egypt. Now do not be
ally wins favor with Pharaoh by interpreting upset or blame yourselves because you sold me
his dreams and accurately predicting both here. It was really God who sent me ahead of
feast and famine throughout the land. When you to save people’s lives.…Now hurry back
Jacob sends his sons to Egypt seeking grain, to my father and tell him that this is what
Joseph recognizes his brothers, but they do not his son Joseph says: ‘God has made me the
recognize Joseph. ruler of all Egypt; come to me without delay.
You can live in the region of Goshen, where
Joseph’s anger and resentment return and you can be near me—you, your children, your
he arrests and jails his brothers. Clearly he grandchildren, your sheep, your goats, your
has the power to inflict “just” punishment cattle, and everything else you have. If you
upon them for their past deeds (chapter 42). are in Goshen, I can take care of you. There
He demands that the youngest brother, Ben- will still be five years of famine and I do not
jamin, who remained with Jacob in Canaan, want you, your family, and your livestock
be brought to him. And when Joseph sees to starve.’”…He threw his arms around his
Benjamin, the one brother who is innocent of brother Benjamin and began to cry; Benjamin
Joseph’s betrayal, his heart softens. Joseph first also cried as he hugged him. Then, still
seeks a private place to cry, wanting to hide his weeping, he embraced each of his brothers and
pain from his brothers. kissed them. After that, his brothers began to
talk with him.
—Genesis 45:1–5, 9–11, 14-15

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In the act of forgiveness we are declaring

our faith in the future of a relationship,
and in the capacity of the wrongdoer to
make a new beginning on a course that
will be different from the one that has
caused the wrong. We are saying, here
is a chance to make a new beginning. It
is an act of faith that the wrongdoer can
change. According to Jesus (Matthew
18:22), we should be ready to do this not
just one, not just seven times, but seventy
times seven, without limit—provided,
it seems Jesus says, your brother or
sister who has wronged you is ready to
come and confess the wrong they have
committed yet again.
—Archbishop Desmond Tutu

Forgiving Involves
In a truly redemptive moment of forgiveness Mercy
Joseph opens himself and his pain to his
brothers and makes reconciliation possible. Following immediately after Jesus’ challenge to
He provides a way out of the cycle of pain and Peter to forgive, “not seven times, but seventy
dysfunction for his family, and symbolically, times seven” (v. 22), Jesus tells us the parable
for God’s chosen people. As Richard P. Westley of the Unforgiving Servant (see Matthew
writes, “Joseph transforms his pain and puts 18:23–35). This story contrasts the huge debt
it to good use by identifying himself as both owed by the servant, which the king forgives,
the injured party—and therefore unwilling to with the small debt owed to the servant, which
be hurt again—and yet still full of love for his the servant refuses to forgive. Even when the
brothers who injured him. This approach is not lesson is delivered loud and clear some fail to
an easy one, but it proves transforming since it make the connection.
knits together Joseph’s deeply torn family.”
So he called the servant in. “You worthless
In a world and a culture that is full of slave!” he said. “I forgave you the whole
wounds, anger, injustice, inequality, amount you owed me, just because you asked
historical privilege, jealousy, resentment, me to. You should have had mercy on your
bitterness, murder, and war, we must fellow servant, just as I had mercy on you.”
speak always and everywhere about —Matthew 18:32–33
forgiveness, reconciliation, and God’s
healing. Forgiveness lies at the center of
Jesus’ moral message. The litmus test for
being a Christian is not whether one can
say the creed and mean it, but whether
one can forgive and love an enemy.
—Ronald Rolheiser

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Forgiving Involves
Faith and Love
Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord,
if my brother keeps on sinning against me,
how many times do I have to forgive him?
Seven times?” “No not seven times,” answered
Jesus, “but seventy time seven, because the
Kingdom of heaven is like this.”
—Matthew 18:21–22

Consider the Pardon of the Sinful Woman in

Luke 7:36–50. This is the story of a dinner party
given by Simon, a Pharisee, to which Jesus was
invited. Upon entering no one greeted him
with a kiss or gave him water to wash his feet.
Yet throughout the evening the woman whom
all knew as “sinful” (you can surmise what that
means), washes Jesus’ feet with her tears and
dries them with her hair.
In this story, we learn about forgiveness from
Jesus uses this public display of sensuality to the side of the offender. Seemingly, Simon the
teach a lesson in forgiveness. He quizzes his Pharisee is the small offender and is granted
host Simon about two people whose debts little or no forgiveness. The “sinful” woman is the
were forgiven. One owed a large amount, while major offender—at least in the eyes of others—
the other owed a little. “‘Which one then will but because of her deep faith, her sorrow, and
love him [the creditor] more?” Simon responds her adoration of Jesus, her sins are forgiven.
“I suppose that it would be the one who was
forgiven more.” “You are right,” said Jesus. These then, are the necessary ingredients to
receive God’s forgiveness: genuine remorse,
Then he turned to the woman and said to Simon, steadfast faith, and lasting devotion. We are
“Do you see this woman? I came into your home all sinners, regardless of our status in society,
and you gave me no water for my feet, but she but Jesus is eager to embrace each one of us
has washed my feet with her tears and dried with his love and forgiveness if we but turn
them with her hair. You did not welcome me with our gaze toward him.
a kiss, but she has not stopped kissing my feet
since I came. You provided no olive oil for my
head, but she has covered my feet with perfume.
I tell you, then, the great love she has shown
proves that her many sins have been forgiven.
But whoever has been forgiven little shows only
a little love.” The Jesus said to the women, “Your
sins are forgiven.”
—Luke 7:44–48

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Forgiving Involves He was still a long way from home when his
Restoring Relationships father saw him; his heart was filled with pity,
and he ran, threw his arms around his son, and
Finally, we consider the story of the Prodigal kissed him. “Father,” the son said, “I have sinned
Son in Luke 15:11–32. The text of this story against God and against you. I am no longer fit
has four scenes, but the story itself demands a to be called your son.” But the father called to
fifth. In the first scene, the younger son takes his servants. “Hurry!” he said. “Bring the best
his inheritance from his father and leaves robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger
home. The second scene shows the younger and shoes on his feet. Then go and get the prize
son squandering away the money and, coming calf and kill it, and let us celebrate with a feast!
upon hard times, returning home with a For this son of mine was dead, but now he is
rehearsed speech of repentance. The third alive; he was lost, but now he has been found.”
scene is the touching reunion with his father, And so the feasting began.
and the younger son is immediately welcomed —Luke 15:20–24
and enveloped into the family and household.
In the fourth scene, the father and older son
argue in the yard while the party continues
inside. The text ends with these words of
the father to his older son, “But we had to
celebrate and be happy, because your brother
was dead, but now he is alive; he was lost, but
now he has been found”(v. 32). While the text
ends, clearly the story is not over. Each of us is
intended to determine the end. How would you
conclude the story of the Prodigal Son? Would
the older son accept his younger brother and
be reconciled with him? Or would there be
more division and heartache for all parties?

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The Way of Forgiveness

Forgiveness is at the heart of the gospel and
of our most important prayer, the Lord’s
Prayer: “forgive us our trespasses as we forgive
those who trespass against us” (Matthew
6:12). In the Beatitudes Jesus teaches us that
peacemakers are children of God, “Happy are
those who work for peace; God will call them
his children” (Matthew 5:9). But the only way
to be a peacemaker is to be a forgiver.

Jesus said,
“So if you are about to offer your gift to God
Feasting on forgiveness—rather than on
at the altar and there you remember that
bitterness, anger, or revenge—allows us the
your brother has something against you,
freedom to live into a future not bound by
leave your gift in front of the altar, go at
the brokenness of the past. It gives us hope.
once and make peace with your brother, and
Forgiveness is both receptive and active; it’s
then come back and offer your gift to God.”
something done to us and something done
—Matthew 5:23–24
by us. We’re called to forgive others, which
can be very difficult. But we’re also called to
Very simply, these teachings show us that
be forgiven for the wrongs we’ve done, an
forgiveness requires initiative and action. We
act that takes us out of control and places
must consciously seek to repair wounded
us at the mercy of the one whose forgiveness
relationships—to forgive as God has forgiven us.
we seek. To embody forgiveness fully, we
must forgive as well as be forgiven.
Jesus’ answer to the brokenness of people’s
(Susan Pendleton Jones and L.
lives was to embody God’s forgiveness. We
Gregory Jones, Forgiveness: Letting Go)
learn how to forgive from the God who first
forgave us in Christ. Christ forgives without
condition, but we can only receive that
forgiveness if we’re set free to forgive others.

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The Path Toward Forgiveness

How do we learn to practice the way of

forgiveness that Jesus taught? Susan
Pendleton Jones and L. Gregory Jones offer
these insights.

We become willing to speak truthfully and

patiently about the conflicts that have arisen.
When we try to be patient and truthful,
we can discern more clearly what is going
on. James 1:19 reminds us, “Everyone
must be quick to listen, but slow to speak
and slow to become angry.”

We acknowledge both the existence of anger and bitterness and a desire to overcome them. Whether
those emotions are our own or belong to the other party, it does no good to deny them.
We can learn to overcome and let go of anger and bitterness as we begin to live differently
through practices that transform hatred into love. This is important, for otherwise, anger
can destroy others and us. Ephesians 4:26 says, “If you become angry, do not let your anger
lead you into sin, and do not stay angry all day.”

We summon up concern for the well-being of the other as a child of God. Seeing the ones on
whom our bitterness focuses as children of God challenges our tendency to perceive them
simply as enemies, rivals, or threats.

We recognize our own complicity in conflict, remembering that we have been forgiven in the past
and take the step of repentance. This doesn’t mean ignoring differences between victims and
victimizers. People need to be held accountable for their actions, and some people need to
repent and ask forgiveness while those who have been victimized struggle to forgive. We
need to recognize and resist our temptation to blame others while exonerating ourselves.
All too often we see the specks in other people’s eyes while not noticing the log in our own
(Matthew 7:1–5). This is why it’s important for us to remember our own forgiven-ness.
Indeed, rather than “forgive and forget,” a better directive would be that we forgive and are
forgiven so we can remember well.

We make a commitment to try and change whatever caused and continues to perpetuate our
conflicts. Forgiveness ought to usher in repentance and change.

We confess our yearning for the possibility of reconciliation. Sometimes a situation is so painful
that reconciliation may seem impossible. At such times, prayer and struggle may the only
imaginable options. However, continuing to maintain reconciliation as the goal—even if it
is “hoping against hope” for reconciliation in this life—it is important because it reminds
us that God promises to make all things new.

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Living
The practice of forgiveness is not simply a one-time action or an isolated feeling
or thought. Forgiveness involves us in a whole way of life that is shaped by an
ever-deepening friendship with God and with other people. The central goal of this
practice is to reconcile, to restore communion with God, with one another, and with
the whole of creation.

There are three kinds of forgiveness, all Recognize that conflict is inevitable. Intimacy
inter-related. There is self-forgiveness, and conflict are two sides of a very thin
which enables us to release our guilt and coin of relationship. Part of being human
perfectionism. There is the forgiveness we and living in relationship with others
extend to others and receive from them, means good times and bad, great days
intimates and enemies alike. And there is the and dark days, close connection and
forgiveness of God that assures us of our worth separation. People who forgive well know
and strengthens us for practicing forgiveness. this and remain honest with themselves
about how all get wounded in relationship.
How Forgiveness Spend your energy seeking solutions rather
Can Grow and Flourish than laying blame. Have you ever pondered
how much time and energy is wasted on
The practice of forgiveness involves figuring out whose fault it was when an
reconciliation and healing. Think about all infraction has occurred? Occasionally,
of your important relationships: your family, we can actually pin blame somewhere,
your closest friends, those with whom you but it provides only a fleeting moment of
live, those with whom you work, perhaps all satisfaction, and has done nothing to solve
those whom you love and who love you. When the problem and reconcile the hurt. People
you think about these love relationships, two who forgive well have learned that the
things are certain: 1. conflict is inevitable, and blame game is a waste of time; regardless
2. reconciliation is a must for the relationship of who wins, all are losers. Those who
to continue. forgive well go directly to problem-solving
because they’ve learned that’s where they
Do you forgive well? How well do you heal the can all begin to feel better.
wounds of conflict with those whom you love?
The practice of forgiveness is reflected by our Distinguish the person from the act. People
character and our faith. With this in mind, who forgive well know in their hearts that
here are several suggestions for creating a each person, as created in God’s image
home where forgiveness can grow and flourish: and likeness, is truly good. They also know
that each person will make mistakes and
Treat others with respect and love. It seems errors in judgment and action. While the
obvious, but the most sure-fire way to person is always good—that will never
prevent negative, unforgiving feelings change—the person’s choice or action may
from building up in relationships is to treat be bad, even deplorable. Families who
others with love and respect. Love involves forgive well are careful with their language
treating people with respect regardless when confronting an offender to name the
of how badly the person messes up or offense as bad, while honoring the person
disappoints others. People are imperfect as inherently good.
and will, in fact, make mistakes at times.
Nevertheless, if people treat each other
with mutual respect, those transgressions
occur less frequently.
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Ritualize and celebrate their healing. When

the conflict has been resolved, when
forgiveness has been granted, and when
healing begins, people who forgive well
will honor the moment with celebration in
an appropriate way. The moment may call
for a simple quiet hug, or a rousing toast,
or a special meal or treat. Whatever it is,
forgiving people mark their reconciliation
with a gesture of remembrance.

Suggestions for
Developing the Practice
of Forgiveness
We must develop and maintain the capacity to
forgive. The one who is devoid of the power to
forgive is devoid of the power to love. There is
some good in the worst of us and some evil in
Know the difference between excusing and the best of us. When we discover this, we are
forgiving. People who forgive well simply less prone to hate our enemies.
excuse that which is excusable: a bump in the —Martin Luther King, Jr.
hallway, forgetting to empty the dishwasher,
a distracted or annoying remark. They Take time to resolve the conflict. Here’s a
don’t make a “federal case” out of excusable simple process for resolving conflicts and
mishaps. But at the same time they recognize reconciling with an individual or your
that in the event of an inexcusable act, all family.
must participate in the hard work of healing,
reconciling, and forgiving. 1. Set aside time. If tempers are hot, let
them cool down before trying to solve
Be quicker to say “I’m sorry” than to expect the the problem. Set a time to talk.
other person to apologize. When people live in 2. Seek understanding of issues and feelings.
close relationships, they tend to experience Give each other a chance to speak—to
as important the things that are done offer thoughts and feelings about the
wrong to them more than they are bothered problem. No comments or judgments,
by the things they do wrong to the other just let everyone speak.
person. Naturally, then, people tend to look
3. Brainstorm solutions. Get all the possible
for times when the other person should
ideas on the table. Sometimes a crazy
be apologizing for his or her actions. For
suggestion leads to a workable solution.
harmonious relationships, people should
Prioritize the ideas and choose one
be vigilant about the times when they
solution.
themselves might have hurt another person.
The offender should seek out the harmed 4. Do it; practice the solution. Implement the
party to apologize quickly and thoroughly. idea and set a date to check-in to see if
The offender should take responsibility for the solution is working. If it’s working,
his or her own acts and tried to assure the go to the final step. If not, go back to the
offended party that the offender will try not previous two steps.
6.14 to act hurtfully again.
 Living Well: Christian Practices for Everyday Life

Forgiving 6

5. Evaluate and celebrate. If the solution

works, choose an appropriate way to
celebrate. Be sure to celebrate your
healing and reconciling.

Write a letter to someone you are struggling

to forgive. If you want to forgive someone
or ask for forgiveness, writing down your
thoughts can be a good place to start. It will
give you the opportunity to thoughtfully
consider what you want to say, why,
and how to say it. And the recipient will
have time to absorb the contents of your
letter before responding. When asking for Before going to sleep, consciously let go of the
forgiveness, some things you might want to hurts and angers of the day. Regard each
put in writing are: evening as the beginning of a new day.
Make a simple ritual woven of silence and
• what your intention was (most people
word and gesture.
don’t set out deliberately to hurt others)
• how you are feeling about what happened Face your most recent experience of when
• why you want to be forgiven forgiveness did not happen. Can you find
forgiveness by walking in the shoes of
• what, if anything, you are willing to do to the other person? Are you willing to
apologize and/or make restitution speak truthfully and patiently about your
• what you have learned from what personal conflicts? Ask someone to anoint
happened, and how that might affect your you for healing this relationship.
future relationship with this person.
Reflect on ways forgiveness does and doesn’t
When offering forgiveness, consider letting happen throughout the course of a week. Keep
the person know: a journal and note situations of small and
• your reason for offering forgiveness large conflict and how they were resolved
(or not). Share your reflections with a
• your feelings toward the person, as
trusted family member or friend.
opposed to the action he or she took
• what, if anything, you would like the Pray for forgiveness. Pray for the strength to
person to do to make restitution forgive and to be forgiven.
• what you hope will happen (or not
happen) in your future relationship with Resources for Living
this person.
the Christian Practice
of Forgiving
Go to our project web site
[Link]
for exciting ideas, practical
resources, and recommended books
and web sites to help you live the
Christian practice of forgiving.
6.15
Living Well: Christian Practices for Everyday Life

6 Forgiving

Praying
Lord Jesus,
you opened the eyes of the blind,
healed the sick,
forgave the sinful woman,
and after Peter’s denial embraced
him with love and mercy.

Lord Jesus,
Forgive all my sins,
and renew your love in my heart.
May your peace take root in my life
and strengthen me to be forgiving
and compassionate.

O Peace, O Holy One, O Comforter

we have wounded you as we have hurt one another.
Help us treat each other with love and respect.
For you are peace at our center, the holiness in our midst, the comfort we need. Amen.
(Deborah Alberswerth Payden and Laura Loving, Celebrating at Home)

Litany of Reconciliation
One Voice: For bitter words said in haste or anger
Others: We are sorry, God.
One Voice: For listening for faults instead of imagining possibilities
Others: Forgive us, God.
One Voice: Smooth rough places
Others: And make us mindful of your presence
One Voice: Heal us and hear us
Others: Amen.
(Deborah Alberswerth Payden and Laura Loving, Celebrating at Home)

6.16 All Scripture passages are taken from the Good News Translation, New York: American Bible Society © 1992.