There are times when your partner
will be upset with you. Maybe you'll know
why they're upset, or maybe you'll have no clue what you did to hurt them.
While you may prefer to avoid further conflict and wait for things to blow
over, research shows that tackling the issue head-on is usually the best
course of action.1 Though it may be uncomfortable at first, cleaning up your
emotional messes can lead to honest conversations that benefit your
relationship in the long run.
Below are some simple ways you can improve your communication with your
partner when they're hurt and avoid angry stand-offs and silent treatments.
Please note that this article is not about the hurt caused by emotional or
physical abuse. If you or a loved one are a victim of domestic violence,
contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 for
confidential assistance from trained advocates.
For more mental health resources, see our National Helpline Database.
Why It's Important to Apologize in Relationships
Acknowledge Their Feelings
Don't ignore the situation or try to make a joke about it. You may not like
how your partner feels, but you should still respect their feelings and show
empathy.
All they want is to feel understood, accepted, and cared for by you. Like you
really get them. It’s OK if you disagree with their response. That’s not the
point. The point is to simply acknowledge their hurt feelings.
Think about how nice it is to hear the words, "I can understand why that
would make you angry." That type of statement can make your partner feel
heard and that it’s OK for them to feel the way they feel.
What Not to Say
Here are some examples of phrases that are not helpful and can
actually make the conflict worse:1
"It's not a big deal." It's a big deal to them, so it should be to you,
too. It doesn't matter if you think your partner is overreacting. They're
hurt because of something you've done, and now it's your job to make
them feel better.
"I can make this better for you." Thinking you have the solution to
your partner's problem or issue will probably be taken as patronizing.
Your partner may simply want understanding from you, as opposed to
problem-solving.
"You don't make sense." Your partner may have a different take on
the situation, but that doesn't mean their concerns aren't valid.
"..." Saying nothing at all or avoiding the conversation won't help
resolve the conflict. Instead, if you need a timeout or space to cool
down for a bit before coming back to the conversation, say so.
Take Responsibility
When you do something that hurts your partner, whether intentionally or
not, it's always best to own up to what you did wrong. If you're not clear on
what you said or did that was hurtful, just ask.
It's important to show your partner that you know you made a mistake and
that you're willing to take responsibility for your actions. This means
avoiding annoying phrases such as, "I'm sorry if you were hurt," or, "I'm
sorry you were upset."
All these statements do is shift the responsibility from you to your partner.
It's basically you saying, "You weren't supposed to get hurt/upset about
something so tiny, but I'll apologize out of pity." Instead, take responsibility
for the hurtful things you said or did.
Here are some helpful phrases:
"I know what I did was wrong. I wish I had thought before I acted. I
made a big mistake."
"There’s no excuse for what I did."
"The way I spoke to you was wrong, and I didn’t realize how much I
hurt you."
Whatever you do, don't get defensive. It will only escalate the argument or
issue.
How Fighting Can Improve Your Relationship
Explain, Don't Excuse
Prefacing your apology with, "I don't want to sound like I'm making excuses,
but...," sends the wrong message.
An excuse is about not taking responsibility. It's meant to deflect the blame
to someone or something else. For example, "I shouldn't have yelled at you
but I'm really stressed," is just an excuse. All it does is weaken your
apology.
On the other hand, providing an explanation while still acknowledging the
wrongdoing emphasizes the apology: "I've been under a lot of stress, but
that's not an excuse for yelling." It gives your partner more background that
helps explain why you hurt them.
Show That You're Sorry
Be sincere in your apology. Own up to exactly what you did wrong and
identify it.2 It can be a good idea to go beyond just saying you're sorry by
following through with actions that reflect what you're apologizing for. Be
patient—showing you're sorry can take time.3
While it's important to ask for forgiveness, keep in mind that your partner
may not be ready. Think carefully about what you can do to make things
right. If you're not sure what would help, ask your partner what you can do
to make them feel better. Token gestures, empty promises, and insincere
apologies can do more harm than good.
You may not know what to do to make things better with your partner, and
that's OK. Tell them that. Make it clear that you're willing to do whatever it
takes.
Be Open and Flexible
You may find it hard to not get defensive when your partner expresses
dissatisfaction with something you did or said. It can also be difficult to put
yourself in your partner's shoes. Resolving conflict in your relationship can
feel uncomfortable, but being flexible in how you think about the situation
can be helpful.4
Try to see the situation from your partner's perspective. Not only could this
be a step toward understanding them more deeply, but it also may indicate
to them that you're invested in resolving the issue. 5
Learn From What Happened
Because conflicts that linger can be detrimental to a relationship, 1 it's helpful
to learn from what you did to prevent the same thing from happening over
and over again. Remember what upset your partner and store it away.
Taking steps to get to know and understand them better can strengthen
your relationship.2
If you do find that similar conflicts are reoccurring and you're not able to get
past them, this could be a sign that professional counseling could be
beneficial for you and your partner. 6
When Your Partner Is Still Upset
If a lot of time passes and your partner is still upset, you may need a bit
more help. Conflicts that fester aren't beneficial for anyone, 3 so it's a good
idea to resolve them as soon as you realize they're still lingering or
reappear. Getting professional help could be the next best step if your
partner is still hurt over what happened.
Get Professional Help
It can be difficult to heal a relationship after major hurts have occurred. If
you feel stuck in your efforts to repair the damage, you may want to
consider couples counseling.
Couples counseling can be very effective, especially if couples seek it out
sooner rather than later. A counselor can help you identify destructive
patterns and teach you how to communicate more effectively. Counseling
may also give you insight into your partner’s feelings and concerns.
