Respectful Communication

Follow these basic guidelines in communicating to greatly reduce feelings of hurt and anger. When

ideas are shared in a respectful manner, others can listen and receive what is being said more

accurately. Communication needs to be as “clean” as possible, not muddled by negative emotions

and punitive verbal weapons.

Avoid judgmental words and loaded terms. These are the words that tell your partner they are

flawed. They are said to attack and undermine. Some examples of these are: You gave a

total lack of effort…your childish behavior…your are uncooperative…that self-involved

style of yours…your helpless act…your poor me attitude…you are thoughtless as usual…

what you say is a total crock…

Avoid global labels. Global here means generalized—all or nothing, usually of your partner’s

character or identity. Example: He is “stupid, sexist, crazy, selfish, lazy, useless, evil, a bitch

or an asshole.” The attack is not on the person’s behavior but on his/her person or identity.

These labels convey to the partner that she or he is bad, always in some way, bad. The

deliverer of such labels may feel justified at the moment, but the result is always damaging.

Trust and closeness are lost. Separate person from act.

Avoid “you” messages of blame and accusation. The idea here is to blame the partner for your

negative feelings. Instead of saying “you” did this or that, say “I” feel scared….when you

get home so late. Some examples of “you” messages: “You’re never on time…you never go

anywhere with me… you leave me all the work… you never ask what I want…you’re a lot

more interested in your work than in me.” What you are saying with “you” messages is: I’m

in pain, and you did it to me. Added to this is: “You were bad and wrong for doing it to

me.” Compare these “you” messages with the better “I” messages.

“You” message: You’re always spoiling our evening by being late.

“I” message: When you come home late I feel sad about missing the evening with you.
 “You” message: You’re never here when there’s work to be done.

“I” message: I feel tired and irritated when I have to put away the groceries by myself,

when I come home.

Notice when using I messages there is no blaming or cause and effect accusations aimed at the

partner

Avoid old history. In communicating well you stick with the issue at hand. Bringing up

negative things from the past cloud the issues and can be hurtful. Usually referencing the

past is an attempt to build a case against your partner. You try to back up what you’re saying

with evidence from the past. You are also trying to underscore the seriousness of his/her

fault. Sometimes talking about the past can be informative in seeing patterns of behavior, but

when the past is brought up in anger it will be used like a club rather than an instrument to

shed light on an issue.

Avoid negative comparisons. Respectful communication never makes your partner feel bad

about him/herself. It is designed to help, not hurt; to resolve, not reject. Negative

comparisons never resolve anything. Their sole function is to punish and attack, to “show-

up” the person and make him/her feel less of a person.

Avoid threats. Threats are deliberate attempts to hurt your partner. You are telling him or her

that he or she is bad in some way and he/she will be punished by you. “If you can’t tell me

I’m beautiful, I know other men who will”. “If you can’t make more money, I’ll have to

leave the kids in daycare and get a job.” The “you don’t measure up” message is painful, but

the deliberate intention to hurt is very destructive to the relationship.

Describe your feelings instead of using them to attack. When describing your feelings, use

words that clarify and help you to be understood. “I’m sad and tearful…I feel a yearning to

be closer…I’m feeling rather hurt and withdrawn…I’m stunned and embarrassed.” Notice

that the description directly identifies the emotion. When you are in an attacking mode, you
 use your affect (the way you look, act, sound) as a weapon. Your voice gets louder, sharper,

threatening, hostile, sarcastic, or whiney. To communicate with respect and clarity, you keep

your voice as close to a normal volume and inflection as you can. The result is that your

partner can better hear what you’re feeling without being overwhelmed or bludgeoned by it.

Keep body language open and receptive. Your body posture will tell your partner if you are

ready to communicate or not. A tight face, squinting eyes, crossed arms will tell your partner

you are not ready to listen. Instead, keep eye contact, nod while you listen, lean slightly

forward if sitting and keep your facial expression relaxed.

Use whole messages. Whole messages consist of observations, thoughts, feelings and needs or

wants.

Observations are statements of fact, they are neutral, and non-judging. “Yesterday it

rained the entire day….Chemistry class is tomorrow…I’m going to ask Sandy what

she is wearing to the party tonight.”

Thoughts are yoiur beliefs, opinions, theories, and interpretations of a situation.

Thoughts should not be conveyed as truths, but as your ideas or hypotheses, or

understanding of something. “My idea was… I wondered if … I’ve suspected that…

I worried that… The way I saw it was…” Saying something like, “You’re spending

too much time at work” is not an appropriate way to express thoughts in a whole

message. Your opinion becomes “the truth”. Instead say, “My feeling is that things

are out of balance, you need to spend more time at home.” This way the speaker

takes responsibility for her opinion and does not try to make what she says, the way

it has to be.

Feelings in a whole message are usually the most important part. Feelings are simple

descriptions of your emotional state. Feelings do not blame or accuse.

you tell him/her. You might say, “I need a break tonight, would you get up with the

baby?…Let me have 15 minutes to sit in front of the TV after work, then I’ll help

you with dinner.”

Whole messages communicate clearly and completely. Leaving out one of the four parts makes the

message a partial one. In everyday communicating with the grocer or the mechanic, there is not the

need to communicate emotions, feelings and personal needs. However, when talking to your partner

about things that involve personal matters and feelings, it is important to cover all the bases in a

communication—observations, thoughts, feelings and needs. Often there is a lot at stake in

communicating with your loved ones. Make the communication whole messages for better

understanding.

Use clear messages. You could pretend to make an observation by saying “You certainly are

talkative tonight” in a sarcastic tone, meaning you aren’t talking much at all. Actually you

are judging your partners behavior in a negative way. Instead say, “I notice you’re pretty

quiet tonight (observation). It makes me think you are mad at me (thought), and I feel hurt

and a little angry (feelings). I’d really like you to talk with me more (need). This way the

message is clear. The first way the message is contaminated by mixed messages and it is

disguised. Here is a good example of a clear whole message: “You tend to leave your clothes

on the floor when you get undressed (observation). It makes me think that you want me to

pick them up (thoughts). And I end up feeling taken for granted and unappreciated (feeling).

I’d like to talk about our expectations with respect to housework (need).”

McKay, M., Fanning, P., Paleg, K. (1994). Couple skills. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger

Publications, Inc.