‌

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The‌‌ACoA‌‌Experience‌‌
Workbook‌ ‌ ‌
based‌‌on‌‌the‌‌ ‌

12‌‌STEPS‌‌of‌‌Recovery‌‌ ‌
drafted‌‌by‌‌ ‌
Tony‌‌A.‌‌ ‌
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“God,‌‌please‌‌set‌‌aside‌‌everything‌‌I‌‌think‌‌I‌‌know‌‌about‌‌myself,‌ ‌the‌‌twelve‌‌steps,‌‌this‌‌book,‌‌
the‌‌meetings,‌‌my‌‌disease,‌‌and‌ ‌you,‌‌so‌‌I‌‌may‌‌have‌‌an‌‌open‌‌mind‌‌and‌‌a‌‌new‌‌experience‌‌
with‌ ‌all‌‌these‌‌things.‌‌God,‌‌when‌‌I‌‌look‌‌let‌‌me‌‌truly‌‌see.‌‌When‌‌I‌‌listen,‌‌let‌‌me‌‌truly‌‌hear.”‌‌ ‌

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★ This‌‌workbook‌‌was‌‌created,‌‌tested‌‌and‌‌edited‌‌by‌‌group‌‌conscience.‌ ‌
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The‌‌12‌‌Steps‌ ‌6‌ ‌

Reading‌‌1‌‌-‌‌Introduction‌ ‌7‌ ‌
Who‌‌is‌‌Tony‌‌A.?‌ ‌9‌ ‌
The‌‌Laundry‌‌List‌ ‌13‌ ‌

The‌‌“Laundry‌‌List”‌‌(14‌‌Characteristics‌‌of‌‌an‌‌Adult‌‌Child)‌ ‌14‌ ‌
1.‌‌We‌‌became‌‌isolated‌‌and‌‌afraid‌‌of‌‌people‌‌and‌‌authority‌‌figures.‌ ‌14‌ ‌
2.‌‌We‌‌are‌‌frightened‌‌by‌‌angry‌‌people‌‌and‌‌personal‌‌criticism.‌ ‌15‌ ‌
3.‌‌Became‌‌approval-seekers‌‌and‌‌lost‌‌our‌‌identity‌‌in‌‌the‌‌process.‌ ‌15‌ ‌
4.‌‌We‌‌either‌‌become‌‌alcoholics,‌‌marry‌‌them‌‌or‌‌both‌‌or‌‌find‌‌another‌‌compulsive‌‌personality,‌‌such‌‌as‌‌a‌‌
workaholic,‌‌to‌‌fulfil‌‌our‌‌sick‌‌abandonment‌‌needs.‌ ‌16‌ ‌
5.‌‌We‌‌live‌‌life‌‌from‌‌the‌‌viewpoint‌‌of‌‌victims‌‌and‌‌are‌‌attracted‌‌by‌‌that‌‌weakness‌‌in‌‌our‌‌love‌‌and‌‌
friendship‌‌relationships.‌ ‌16‌ ‌
6.‌‌We‌‌have‌‌an‌‌overdeveloped‌‌sense‌‌of‌‌responsibility‌‌and‌‌it‌‌is‌‌easier‌‌for‌‌us‌‌to‌‌be‌‌concerned‌‌with‌‌others‌‌
rather‌‌than‌‌ourselves.‌‌This‌‌enables‌‌us‌‌not‌‌to‌‌look‌‌too‌‌closely‌‌at‌‌our‌‌own‌‌faults.‌ ‌17‌ ‌
7.‌‌We‌‌get‌‌guilt‌‌feelings‌‌when‌‌we‌‌stand‌‌up‌‌for‌‌ourselves‌‌instead‌‌of‌‌giving‌‌in‌‌to‌‌others.‌ ‌18‌ ‌
8.‌‌We‌‌became‌‌addicted‌‌to‌‌excitement.‌ ‌18‌ ‌
9.‌‌We‌‌confuse‌‌love‌‌and‌‌pity‌‌and‌‌tend‌‌To‌‌“love”‌‌people‌‌we‌‌can‌‌pity‌‌and‌‌rescue.‌ ‌19‌ ‌
10.‌‌We‌‌have‌‌stuffed‌‌our‌‌feelings‌‌from‌‌our‌‌traumatic‌‌childhoods‌‌and‌‌have‌‌lost‌‌the‌‌ability‌‌to‌‌feel‌‌or‌‌
express‌‌our‌‌feelings‌‌because‌‌it‌‌hurts‌‌so‌‌much.‌‌(Denial)‌ ‌19‌ ‌
11.‌‌We‌‌judge‌‌ourselves‌‌harshly‌‌and‌‌have‌‌a‌‌very‌‌low‌‌sense‌‌of‌‌self-esteem.‌ ‌20‌ ‌
12.‌‌We‌‌are‌‌dependent‌‌personalities‌‌who‌‌are‌‌terrified‌‌of‌‌abandonment‌‌and‌‌will‌‌do‌‌anything‌‌to‌‌hold‌‌onto‌‌
a‌‌relationship‌‌in‌‌order‌‌not‌‌to‌‌experience‌‌painful‌‌abandonment‌‌feelings‌‌we‌‌received‌‌from‌‌living‌‌with‌‌
sick‌‌people‌‌who‌‌were‌‌never‌‌there‌‌emotionally‌‌for‌‌us.‌ ‌21‌ ‌
13.‌‌Alcoholism‌‌is‌‌a‌‌family‌‌disease.‌‌We‌‌became‌‌para-alcoholics‌‌and‌‌took‌‌on‌‌the‌‌characteristics‌‌of‌‌that‌‌
disease‌‌even‌‌though‌‌we‌‌did‌‌not‌‌pick‌‌up‌‌the‌‌drink.‌ ‌22‌ ‌
14.‌‌Para-alcoholics‌‌are‌‌reactors‌‌rather‌‌than‌‌actors.‌ ‌22‌ ‌

Step‌‌1‌ ‌23‌ ‌
We‌‌admitted‌‌that‌‌we‌‌were‌‌powerless‌‌over‌‌the‌‌effects‌‌of‌‌living‌‌with‌ ‌alcoholism‌‌and‌‌that‌‌our‌‌lives‌‌had‌‌
become‌‌unmanageable.‌ ‌23‌ ‌

Reading‌‌2‌‌-‌‌How‌‌It‌‌All‌‌Began‌ ‌25‌ ‌
In‌‌the‌‌Beginning‌ ‌26‌ ‌
The‌‌Problem/Solution‌ ‌27‌ ‌
Change‌‌and‌‌Growth‌ ‌28‌ ‌

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Step‌‌2‌ ‌29‌ ‌
We‌‌came‌‌to‌‌believe‌‌that‌‌a‌‌power‌‌greater‌‌than‌‌ourselves‌‌could‌‌bring‌‌us‌‌clarity.‌ ‌29‌ ‌

Reading‌‌3‌‌-‌‌What‌‌is‌‌ACoA‌‌all‌‌About?‌ ‌32‌ ‌
What‌‌is‌‌ACoA?‌ ‌32‌ ‌
The‌‌ACoA‌‌Programme‌‌is‌‌About‌‌People,‌‌Human‌‌Contact‌‌and‌‌Sharing‌ ‌34‌ ‌
How‌‌Does‌‌ACoA‌‌Work?‌ ‌34‌ ‌
Who‌‌We‌‌Are‌ ‌37‌ ‌
The‌‌Nature‌‌of‌‌Our‌‌Problems‌ ‌38‌ ‌
Feelings‌ ‌39‌ ‌

Step‌‌3‌ ‌41‌ ‌
Made‌‌a‌‌decision‌‌to‌‌practice‌‌self-love‌‌and‌‌to‌‌trust‌‌in‌‌our‌‌Higher‌‌Power.‌ ‌41‌ ‌
The‌‌Process‌‌of‌‌Recovery‌ ‌44‌ ‌
React‌‌or‌‌Act‌ ‌46‌ ‌

Reading‌‌4‌‌–‌‌The‌‌Recovery‌‌Process‌ ‌48‌ ‌
Family‌‌Drama‌ ‌48‌ ‌
How‌‌Parents‌‌Define‌‌the‌‌Child‌ ‌49‌ ‌
Our‌‌Common‌‌Behaviour:‌‌Another‌‌Look‌‌at‌‌The‌‌Laundry‌‌List‌ ‌50‌ ‌

Step‌‌4‌ ‌52‌ ‌
We‌‌made‌‌a‌‌searching‌‌and‌‌blameless‌‌inventory‌‌of‌‌our‌‌parents‌‌because,‌‌in‌‌essence,‌‌we‌‌had‌‌become‌‌them.‌
52‌ ‌

Reading‌‌5‌‌-‌‌Waiting‌‌in‌‌The‌‌Wings‌ ‌58‌ ‌

Step‌‌5‌ ‌61‌ ‌
We‌‌admitted‌‌to‌‌our‌‌Higher‌‌Power,‌‌to‌‌ourselves‌‌and‌‌to‌‌another‌‌human‌‌being‌‌the‌‌exact‌‌nature‌‌of‌‌our‌‌
childhood‌‌abandonment.‌ ‌61‌ ‌

Reading‌‌6‌‌-‌‌Getting‌‌Started‌‌with‌‌Recovery‌ ‌64‌ ‌
Questions‌‌throwout‌‌BRB‌‌-‌‌Chapter‌‌8‌‌-‌‌from‌‌the‌‌“I”‌‌position‌ ‌65‌ ‌

Step‌‌6‌ ‌72‌ ‌
We‌‌were‌‌entirely‌‌ready‌‌to‌‌begin‌‌the‌‌healing‌‌process‌‌with‌‌the‌‌aid‌‌of‌‌our‌‌Higher‌‌Power.‌ ‌72‌ ‌

Reading‌‌7‌‌-‌‌Successful‌‌Involvement‌ ‌74‌ ‌
Learning‌‌to‌‌Trust,‌‌Feel‌‌and‌‌Share.‌ ‌74‌ ‌
Changing‌‌Our‌‌Attitudes‌‌Toward‌‌Authority‌‌Figures‌ ‌75‌ ‌
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 Accepting‌‌the‌‌Group‌‌as‌‌Your‌‌New‌‌Family‌ ‌75‌ ‌
Making‌‌Friends‌ ‌76‌ ‌

Step‌‌7‌ ‌78‌ ‌
We‌‌humbly‌‌asked‌‌our‌‌Higher‌‌Power‌‌to‌‌help‌‌us‌‌with‌‌our‌‌healing‌‌process.‌ ‌78‌ ‌

Reading‌‌8‌‌-‌‌Dealing‌‌with‌‌Judgments‌‌and‌‌Resentments‌ ‌81‌ ‌
The‌‌Group‌‌as‌‌Your‌‌Family‌ ‌82‌ ‌
Working‌‌the‌‌ACoA‌‌12‌‌Steps‌‌of‌‌Recovery‌ ‌83‌ ‌

Step‌‌8‌ ‌84‌ ‌
We‌‌became‌‌willing‌‌to‌‌open‌‌ourselves‌‌to‌‌receive‌‌the‌‌unconditional‌‌love‌‌of‌‌our‌‌Higher‌‌Power.‌ ‌84‌ ‌

Reading‌‌9‌‌-‌‌What‌‌to‌‌do‌‌About‌‌Parents‌ ‌86‌ ‌
The‌‌Family‌‌Soap‌‌Opera‌ ‌86‌ ‌
Our‌‌Personal‌‌Rage‌‌and‌‌Sorrow‌ ‌87‌ ‌
Suggestions‌‌for‌‌Healing‌ ‌87‌ ‌
Confronting‌‌Our‌‌Parents‌ ‌89‌ ‌
Leaving‌‌Home‌‌Emotionally‌ ‌90‌ ‌
Forgiving‌‌Our‌‌Parents‌ ‌91‌ ‌

Step‌‌9‌ ‌94‌ ‌
We‌‌became‌‌willing‌‌to‌‌accept‌‌our‌‌own‌‌unconditional‌‌love‌‌by‌‌understanding‌‌that‌‌our‌‌Higher‌‌Power‌‌loves‌‌
us‌‌unconditionally.‌ ‌94‌ ‌

Reading‌‌10‌‌-‌‌The‌‌Importance‌‌of‌‌Accountability,‌‌Identifying‌ ‌Our‌‌Issues‌ ‌95‌ ‌

Your‌‌Own‌‌Laundry‌‌List‌ ‌95‌ ‌
Awareness‌ ‌96‌ ‌
Journals‌ ‌97‌ ‌
Establishing‌‌Recovery‌‌Goals‌ ‌97‌ ‌
Other‌‌Common‌‌Difficulties‌ ‌99‌ ‌
Criticism‌ ‌99‌ ‌
Over-inflated‌‌Sense‌‌of‌‌Self‌ ‌100‌ ‌
Intolerance‌ ‌100‌ ‌
Giving‌‌Advice‌ ‌101‌ ‌
Enlisting‌‌the‌‌Support‌‌of‌‌Others‌ ‌102‌ ‌
Sponsorship‌ ‌103‌ ‌
Seeking‌‌Professional‌‌Assistance‌ ‌104‌ ‌
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Step‌‌10‌ ‌106‌ ‌
Continue‌‌to‌‌take‌‌personal‌‌inventory‌‌and‌‌to‌‌love‌‌and‌‌approve‌‌of‌ ‌ourselves.‌ ‌106‌ ‌

Reading‌‌11‌‌-‌‌A‌‌Matter‌‌of‌‌Faith‌ ‌108‌ ‌
The‌‌Concept‌‌of‌‌a‌‌Higher‌‌Power‌ ‌108‌ ‌
Prayer‌ ‌109‌ ‌
Meditation‌ ‌111‌ ‌

Step‌‌11‌ ‌113‌ ‌
We‌‌sought‌‌through‌‌prayer‌‌and‌‌meditation‌‌to‌‌improve‌‌our‌‌conscious‌‌contact‌‌with‌‌a‌‌Higher‌‌Power‌‌of‌‌
our‌‌understanding,‌‌praying‌‌only‌‌for‌‌knowledge‌‌of‌‌its‌‌will‌‌for‌‌us‌‌and‌‌the‌‌power‌‌to‌‌carry‌‌it‌‌out.‌ ‌113‌ ‌

Reading‌‌12‌‌-‌‌Does‌‌the‌‌ACoA‌‌Recovery‌‌Program‌‌Work?‌ ‌116‌ ‌
Can‌‌I‌‌Really‌‌Change?‌ ‌116‌ ‌
What‌‌Is‌‌Recovery?‌ ‌118‌ ‌
Being‌‌a‌‌Healthy‌‌Parent‌‌to‌‌our‌‌Wounded‌‌Child‌‌Within‌ ‌119‌ ‌

Reading‌‌13‌‌-‌‌Avoiding‌‌the‌‌ACoA‌‌12‌‌Steps‌‌of‌‌Recovery‌ ‌121‌ ‌
Perfectionism‌ ‌121‌ ‌
Instant‌‌Relationships‌ ‌122‌ ‌
Fixing‌‌Others‌ ‌123‌ ‌
Denial‌‌and‌‌Blame‌ ‌124‌ ‌

Step‌‌12‌ ‌126‌ ‌
We‌‌have‌‌a‌‌spiritual‌‌awakening‌‌as‌‌a‌‌result‌‌of‌‌taking‌‌these‌‌steps,‌‌and‌‌we‌‌continue‌‌to‌‌love‌‌ourselves‌‌and‌‌
to‌‌practice‌‌these‌‌principles‌‌in‌‌all‌‌our‌‌affairs.‌ ‌126‌ ‌

Reading‌‌14‌‌-‌‌Resistance‌‌and‌‌Setbacks‌‌to‌‌Recovery‌ ‌130‌ ‌
Trying‌‌to‌‌do‌‌It‌‌Alone‌ ‌130‌ ‌
A‌‌Sometime‌‌Thing‌ ‌131‌ ‌
Wanting‌‌A‌‌Quick‌‌Fix‌ ‌131‌ ‌
Unwillingness‌‌to‌‌Share‌‌and‌‌Open‌‌Up‌ ‌132‌ ‌

Reading‌‌15‌‌–‌‌A‌‌Reminder‌‌about‌‌Anonymity‌ ‌135‌ ‌

Bibliography‌ ‌136‌ ‌

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The‌‌12‌‌Steps‌ ‌

1. We‌‌admitted‌‌we‌‌were‌‌powerless‌‌over‌‌the‌‌effects‌‌of‌‌living‌‌with‌‌alcoholism‌‌and‌‌that‌‌our‌‌lives‌‌
had‌‌become‌‌unmanageable.‌ ‌

2. We‌‌came‌‌to‌‌believe‌‌that‌‌a‌‌power‌‌greater‌‌than‌‌ourselves‌‌could‌‌bring‌‌us‌‌clarity.‌ ‌

3. We‌ ‌made‌ ‌a‌ ‌decision‌ ‌to‌ ‌practice‌ ‌self-love‌ ‌and‌ ‌to‌ ‌trust‌ ‌in‌ ‌a‌ ‌Higher‌ ‌Power‌ ‌of‌ ‌our‌‌
understanding.‌ ‌

4. We‌‌made‌‌a‌‌searching‌‌and‌‌blameless‌‌inventory‌‌of‌‌our‌‌parents‌‌because,‌‌in‌‌essence,‌‌we‌‌had‌‌
become‌‌them.‌

5. We‌ ‌admitted‌ ‌to‌ ‌our‌ ‌Higher‌ ‌Power,‌ ‌to‌ ‌ourselves‌ ‌and‌ ‌to‌ ‌another‌ ‌human‌ ‌being‌ ‌the‌ ‌exact‌‌
nature‌‌of‌‌our‌‌childhood‌‌abandonment.‌ ‌

6. We‌‌were‌‌entirely‌‌ready‌‌to‌‌begin‌‌the‌‌healing‌‌process‌‌with‌‌the‌‌aid‌‌of‌‌our‌‌Higher‌‌Power.‌ ‌

7. We‌‌humbly‌‌asked‌‌our‌‌Higher‌‌Power‌‌to‌‌help‌‌us‌‌with‌‌our‌‌healing‌‌process.‌ ‌

8. We‌‌became‌‌willing‌‌to‌‌open‌‌ourselves‌‌to‌‌receive‌‌the‌‌unconditional‌‌love‌‌of‌‌our‌‌Higher‌‌Power.‌ ‌

9. We‌ ‌became‌ ‌willing‌ ‌to‌‌accept‌‌our‌‌own‌‌unconditional‌‌love‌‌by‌‌understanding‌‌that‌‌our‌‌Higher‌‌

Power‌‌loves‌‌us‌‌unconditionally.‌ ‌

10. We‌‌continued‌‌to‌‌take‌‌personal‌‌inventory‌‌and‌‌to‌‌love‌‌and‌‌approve‌‌of‌‌ourselves.‌ ‌

[Link]‌‌sought‌‌through‌‌prayer‌‌and‌‌meditation‌‌to‌‌improve‌‌our‌‌conscious‌‌contact‌‌with‌‌our‌‌Higher‌‌
Power,‌‌praying‌‌only‌‌for‌‌knowledge‌‌of‌‌it’s‌‌will‌‌for‌‌us‌‌and‌‌the‌‌power‌‌to‌‌carry‌‌it‌‌out.‌ ‌

12. We‌‌have‌‌had‌‌a‌‌spiritual‌‌awakening‌‌as‌‌a‌‌result‌‌of‌‌taking‌‌these‌‌steps,‌‌and‌‌we‌‌continue‌‌to‌‌
love‌‌ourselves‌‌and‌‌to‌‌practice‌‌these‌‌principles‌‌in‌‌all‌‌our‌‌affairs.‌ ‌

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Reading‌‌1‌‌-‌‌Introduction‌ ‌

If‌‌you‌‌were‌‌brought‌‌up‌‌in‌‌a‌‌family‌‌crippled‌‌with‌‌alcoholism,‌‌this‌‌workbook‌‌is‌‌for‌‌you.‌‌Tony‌‌A.,‌‌
the‌‌co-founder‌‌of‌‌the‌‌ACoA‌‌movement‌‌and‌‌originator‌‌of‌‌the‌‌"Laundry‌‌List,"‌‌gives‌‌you‌‌an‌‌insider's‌‌
view‌ ‌of‌ ‌what‌ ‌it‌ ‌means‌ ‌to‌ ‌be‌ ‌an‌ ‌adult‌ ‌child‌ ‌of‌ ‌an‌ ‌alcoholic‌ ‌and‌ ‌what‌ ‌this‌ ‌worldwide‌ ‌recovery‌‌
movement‌‌offers‌‌its‌‌members.‌ ‌

The‌ ‌Laundry‌ ‌List‌ ‌(potentially‌ ‌the‌ ‌Big‌ ‌Book‌ ‌of‌ ‌the‌ ‌movement)‌ ‌is‌ ‌filled‌ ‌with‌ ‌common‌ ‌sense‌‌
solutions‌‌and‌‌powerful‌‌suggestions‌‌about‌‌how‌‌this‌‌recovery‌‌process‌‌can‌‌work‌‌miracles‌‌in‌‌your‌‌life.‌‌
Learn‌ ‌how‌ ‌to‌ ‌deal‌ ‌with‌ ‌the‌ ‌rage‌ ‌over‌ ‌childhood‌ ‌losses‌ ‌and‌ ‌how‌ ‌to‌ ‌leave‌ ‌home‌ ‌emotionally.‌‌
Discover‌‌how‌‌to‌‌become‌‌fully‌‌involved‌‌in‌‌the‌‌12‌‌Steps‌‌of‌‌Recovery,‌‌gaining‌‌valuable‌‌insights‌‌into‌‌
the‌‌nature‌‌of‌‌the‌‌behaviour‌‌patterns‌‌that‌‌limit‌‌change‌‌and‌‌frustrate‌‌growth.‌ ‌

The‌‌Laundry‌‌List‌‌contains‌‌inspirational‌‌personal‌‌stories‌‌and‌‌tells‌‌of‌‌the‌‌early‌‌struggles‌‌of‌‌the‌‌
movement,‌ ‌but‌ ‌the‌ ‌central‌ ‌focus‌ ‌of‌ ‌the‌ ‌workbook‌ ‌involves‌ ‌how‌ ‌to‌ ‌get‌ ‌started‌ ‌and,‌ ‌most‌‌
importantly,‌‌how‌‌to‌‌avoid‌‌the‌‌obstacles‌‌and‌‌difficulties‌‌that‌‌short-circuit‌‌personal‌‌recovery.‌ ‌

(Editor’s‌ ‌note:‌ ‌The‌ ‌writing‌ ‌of‌ ‌Tony‌ ‌A‌ ‌was‌‌done‌‌before‌‌ACA‌‌worldwide‌‌accepted‌‌the‌‌concept‌‌that‌‌

everything‌ ‌Tony‌‌A‌‌wrote‌‌about‌‌alcoholism‌‌and‌‌growing‌‌up‌‌in‌‌an‌‌alcoholic‌‌home‌‌was‌‌also‌‌true‌‌for‌‌
children‌ ‌who‌ ‌grew‌ ‌up‌ ‌in‌ ‌dysfunctional‌ ‌homes‌ ‌where‌ ‌addiction‌‌may‌‌not‌‌have‌‌been‌‌an‌‌issue.‌‌The‌‌
ACA‌ ‌Big‌ ‌Red‌ ‌Book‌ ‌identifies‌ ‌7‌ ‌types‌ ‌of‌ ‌upbringing‌ ‌that‌ ‌qualify‌ ‌as‌ ‌dysfunctional‌ ‌as‌ ‌follows:‌‌
“parents‌ ‌who‌ ‌were‌ ‌emotionally‌ ‌ill,‌ ‌hypochondriac,‌ ‌hypercritical,‌ ‌perfectionist,‌ ‌ultra-religious,‌ ‌or‌‌
sexually‌ ‌abusive.‌ ‌Adults‌ ‌who‌ ‌have‌ ‌been‌ ‌adopted‌ ‌or‌ ‌who‌ ‌grew‌ ‌up‌ ‌in‌ ‌foster‌ ‌homes‌ ‌relate‌ ‌to‌‌The‌‌
Laundry‌ ‌List‌ ‌as‌ ‌well‌ ‌and‌ ‌recover‌‌in‌‌ACA.”‌‌ACA‌‌Big‌‌Red‌‌Book,‌‌page‌‌4.‌‌When‌‌you‌‌see‌‌the‌‌words‌‌
alcoholic‌‌below,‌‌feel‌‌free‌‌to‌‌also‌‌substitute‌‌the‌‌word‌‌dysfunctional‌‌for‌‌a‌‌better‌‌understanding‌).‌ ‌

ACoA‌ ‌-‌ ‌Adult‌ ‌Children‌ ‌of‌ ‌Alcoholics/‌ ‌Dysfunctional‌ ‌Families‌ ‌-‌ ‌is‌ ‌a‌ ‌worldwide‌ ‌recovery‌‌
programme.‌ ‌It‌ ‌is‌ ‌available‌ ‌to‌ ‌all‌ ‌who‌ ‌have‌ ‌suffered‌ ‌the‌ ‌pain‌ ‌and‌ ‌anguish‌ ‌of‌ ‌being‌ ‌raised‌ ‌in‌ ‌an‌‌
alcoholic‌ ‌home.‌ ‌The‌ ‌ACoA‌ ‌recovery‌ ‌programme‌ ‌is‌ ‌a‌ ‌fellowship‌ ‌that‌ ‌speaks‌ ‌directly‌ ‌to‌ ‌the‌‌
problems‌ ‌experienced‌ ‌by‌ ‌men‌ ‌and‌ ‌women‌ ‌brought‌ ‌up‌ ‌in‌ ‌a‌ ‌family‌ ‌crippled‌ ‌by‌ ‌alcoholism.‌ ‌Our‌‌
purpose‌‌in‌‌writing‌‌this‌‌book/workbook‌‌is‌‌to‌‌present‌‌this‌‌recovery‌‌programme‌‌to‌‌you,‌‌to‌‌share‌‌with‌‌
you‌ ‌what‌ ‌we‌ ‌have‌ ‌learned‌ ‌from‌ ‌thousands‌ ‌of‌ ‌members‌ ‌and‌‌to‌‌help‌‌you‌‌realize‌‌a‌‌happier,‌‌richer‌‌
life,‌ ‌free‌ ‌of‌ ‌limiting‌ ‌defences‌‌and‌‌destructive‌‌behaviour.‌‌This‌‌book‌‌is‌‌a‌‌primer‌‌and‌‌guide‌‌that‌‌can‌‌
help‌ ‌you‌ ‌understand‌ ‌the‌ ‌nature‌ ‌of‌ ‌the‌ ‌ACoA‌ ‌programme,‌ ‌how‌ ‌it‌ ‌works,‌ ‌the‌ ‌many‌ ‌issues‌ ‌that‌‌
confront‌‌recovering‌‌ACoA’s‌‌and‌‌the‌‌practical‌‌steps‌‌involved‌‌in‌‌achieving‌‌a‌‌successful‌‌recovery.‌ ‌

The‌ ‌tools‌ ‌of‌ ‌recovery‌ ‌and‌ ‌discovery‌ ‌described‌ ‌in‌ ‌this‌ ‌workbook‌ ‌were‌ ‌developed‌ ‌over‌ ‌the‌‌
first‌‌12‌‌years‌‌of‌‌the‌‌programme's‌‌existence.‌‌They‌‌work,‌‌but‌‌only‌‌if‌‌the‌‌individual‌‌member‌‌is‌‌willing‌‌
to‌‌do‌‌the‌‌work.‌‌Recovery‌‌is‌‌a‌‌complex‌‌process,‌‌we‌‌cannot‌‌return‌‌to‌‌our‌‌painful‌‌childhood‌‌and‌‌ask‌‌
our‌‌parents‌‌to‌‌love‌‌us‌‌in‌‌the‌‌way‌‌that‌‌we‌‌needed‌‌to‌‌be‌‌loved.‌‌It‌‌just‌‌can't‌‌be‌‌done.‌ ‌

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 As‌‌ACoA’s‌‌we‌‌need‌‌to‌‌learn‌‌how‌‌to‌‌nurture‌‌and‌‌fulfil‌‌ourselves.‌‌We‌‌need‌‌to‌‌look‌‌within,‌‌find‌‌
the‌‌origins‌‌of‌‌our‌‌feelings‌‌and‌‌come‌‌to‌‌understand‌‌our‌‌difficulties‌‌and‌‌the‌‌role‌‌we‌‌play‌‌in‌‌causing‌‌
them.‌ ‌This‌ ‌is‌ ‌all‌ ‌possible‌ ‌within‌ ‌the‌ ‌framework‌ ‌of‌ ‌the‌ ‌ACoA‌ ‌programme.‌ ‌Those‌ ‌of‌ ‌us‌ ‌who‌ ‌have‌‌
lived‌ ‌through‌ ‌the‌ ‌nightmare‌ ‌of‌ ‌family‌ ‌alcoholism‌ ‌need‌ ‌a‌ ‌safe‌ ‌and‌‌secure‌‌environment‌‌where‌‌we‌‌
can‌ ‌unburden‌ ‌Tony‌ ‌A’s‌ ‌Step‌ ‌Workbook‌ ‌ourselves,‌ ‌be‌ ‌brought‌ ‌closer‌ ‌to‌ ‌our‌ ‌painful‌ ‌childhood‌
feelings‌ ‌and‌ ‌learn‌ ‌that‌ ‌we‌ ‌are‌ ‌not‌ ‌alone‌ ‌in‌ ‌our‌ ‌struggle.‌ ‌As‌‌ACoA’s‌‌we‌‌have‌‌paid‌‌a‌‌tremendous‌‌
price‌‌to‌‌reach‌‌this‌‌point‌‌of‌‌recovery.‌ ‌

The‌ ‌recovery‌ ‌process‌ ‌works.‌ ‌You‌ ‌don't‌ ‌have‌‌to‌‌accept‌‌your‌‌life‌‌the‌‌way‌‌that‌‌it‌‌is‌‌now.‌‌You‌‌

can‌ ‌change.‌ ‌The‌ ‌ACoA‌ ‌recovery‌ ‌programme‌‌has‌‌produced‌‌many‌‌miracles:‌‌I‌‌have‌‌seen‌‌many‌‌of‌‌
them‌‌and‌‌I‌‌am‌‌one‌‌of‌‌them.‌‌In‌‌ACoA‌‌members‌‌learn‌‌about‌‌the‌‌critically‌‌important‌‌elements‌‌of‌‌the‌‌
recovery‌ ‌process,‌‌including‌‌the‌‌resistance‌‌and‌‌denial‌‌and‌‌how‌‌they‌‌operate‌‌to‌‌limit‌‌growth.‌‌All‌‌of‌‌
these‌ ‌subjects‌ ‌are‌ ‌comprehensively‌ ‌covered‌ ‌in‌ ‌this‌ ‌book/workbook.‌ ‌Over‌ ‌the‌ ‌years‌ ‌I‌ ‌have‌‌
personally‌‌observed‌‌the‌‌recovery‌‌efforts‌‌of‌‌literally‌‌thousands‌‌of‌‌ACoA’s.‌‌We‌‌have‌‌shared‌‌our‌‌pain‌‌
and‌ ‌grief,‌ ‌successes‌ ‌and‌ ‌setbacks.‌ ‌Out‌ ‌of‌ ‌this‌ ‌continuing‌ ‌exchange‌ ‌I‌ ‌have‌ ‌come‌ ‌to‌ ‌see‌ ‌more‌‌
clearly‌ ‌the‌ ‌patterns‌ ‌of‌ ‌behaviour‌ ‌that‌ ‌frustrate‌ ‌growth,‌ ‌the‌ ‌unrealistic‌ ‌expectations,‌ ‌the‌ ‌limited‌‌
grasp‌‌of‌‌the‌‌recovery‌‌process.‌‌In‌‌this‌‌book/workbook‌‌I‌‌have‌‌tried‌‌to‌‌address‌‌these‌‌difficulties‌‌in‌‌a‌‌
meaningful‌‌way.‌ ‌

A‌‌principal‌‌mission‌‌of‌‌the‌‌ACoA‌‌recovery‌‌programme‌‌is‌‌to‌‌help‌‌members‌‌gain‌‌some‌‌clarity‌‌
about‌ ‌their‌ ‌personal‌ ‌relationships,‌ ‌family‌ ‌ties,‌ ‌work,‌ ‌personal‌ ‌goals‌ ‌and‌ ‌other‌ ‌key‌ ‌issues.‌‌
Throughout‌ ‌the‌ ‌book‌ ‌I‌ ‌have‌ ‌concentrated‌ ‌on‌ ‌the‌ ‌healing‌ ‌power‌ ‌of‌ ‌group‌ ‌support,‌‌the‌‌sharing‌‌of‌‌
long-buried‌ ‌family‌ ‌secrets,‌ ‌the‌ ‌experiencing‌ ‌of‌ ‌painful‌ ‌childhood‌ ‌feelings‌ ‌and‌ ‌the‌ ‌willingness‌ ‌to‌‌
consider‌ ‌a‌ ‌spiritual‌ ‌path.‌ ‌Much‌ ‌of‌ ‌the‌ ‌emphasis‌ ‌is‌ ‌on‌ ‌action‌ ‌and‌ ‌the‌ ‌need‌ ‌to‌ ‌turn‌ ‌inward‌ ‌and‌‌
develop‌‌an‌‌understanding‌‌of‌‌who‌‌we‌‌became‌‌and‌‌how‌‌this‌‌can‌‌be‌‌changed.‌‌Most‌‌of‌‌all‌‌this‌‌book‌‌
is‌‌about‌‌hope.‌‌The‌‌first‌‌ACoA‌‌group‌‌ever‌‌formed‌‌took‌‌as‌‌a‌‌name‌‌for‌‌itself‌‌"Hope‌‌for‌‌Adult‌‌Children‌‌
of‌‌Alcoholics."‌‌Today's‌‌ACoA‌‌program‌‌continues‌‌to‌‌offer‌‌that‌‌hope‌‌to‌‌each‌‌and‌‌every‌‌adult‌‌child‌‌of‌‌
an‌‌alcoholic‌‌who‌‌is‌‌willing‌‌to‌‌take‌‌that‌‌first‌‌step‌‌toward‌‌recovery.‌ ‌

Tony‌‌A.‌ ‌

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Who‌‌is‌‌Tony‌‌A.?‌‌ ‌

I‌ ‌was‌ ‌born‌ ‌on‌ ‌November‌ ‌4,‌ ‌1927‌ ‌and‌ ‌raised‌‌in‌‌New‌‌York‌‌City.‌‌My‌‌mother‌‌was‌‌a‌‌Christian‌‌

and‌ ‌my‌ ‌father‌ ‌was‌ ‌a‌ ‌Jew,‌ ‌and‌ ‌I‌ ‌was‌ ‌brought‌ ‌up‌ ‌as‌ ‌an‌ ‌Episcopalian.‌ ‌Both‌ ‌of‌ ‌my‌ ‌parents‌ ‌were‌‌
alcoholics.‌ ‌

My‌ ‌father‌ ‌was‌ ‌a‌ ‌successful‌ ‌stockbroker‌ ‌on‌ ‌Wall‌ ‌Street,‌ ‌so‌ ‌we‌ ‌were‌ ‌well‌ ‌provided‌ ‌for‌‌
materially.‌ ‌Emotionally,‌ ‌however,‌ ‌our‌ ‌family‌ ‌was‌ ‌impoverished.‌ ‌From‌ ‌the‌ ‌beginning‌ ‌my‌ ‌life‌ ‌was‌‌
touched‌‌by‌‌the‌‌insanity‌‌of‌‌an‌‌alcoholic‌‌household.‌ ‌

One‌ ‌evening,‌‌when‌‌I‌‌was‌‌one‌‌year‌‌old,‌‌my‌‌parents‌‌went‌‌out‌‌to‌‌dinner.‌‌It‌‌was‌‌the‌‌servants'‌
night‌ ‌off‌ ‌and‌ ‌they‌ ‌left‌ ‌me‌ ‌in‌ ‌the‌ ‌care‌ ‌of‌ ‌my‌ ‌19-year-old‌‌uncle,‌‌an‌‌alcoholic‌‌whom‌‌my‌‌father‌‌was‌‌
trying‌ ‌to‌ ‌help‌ ‌out‌ ‌of‌ ‌a‌ ‌tight‌‌spot.‌‌When‌‌my‌‌parents‌‌returned‌‌from‌‌their‌‌night‌‌out,‌‌they‌‌discovered‌‌
his‌‌body‌‌in‌‌my‌‌bedroom,‌‌a‌‌gun‌‌and‌‌a‌‌bottle‌‌of‌‌booze‌‌at‌‌his‌‌side.‌‌He‌‌had‌‌shot‌‌himself‌‌in‌‌the‌‌head,‌‌
in‌ ‌an‌ ‌alcoholic‌ ‌stupor,‌ ‌and‌ ‌my‌ ‌crib‌ ‌was‌ ‌splattered‌ ‌with‌ ‌his‌ ‌blood‌ ‌and‌ ‌brains.‌ ‌From‌ ‌that‌ ‌time‌ ‌on‌‌
loud‌‌noises‌‌always‌‌terrified‌‌me.‌ ‌

My‌‌mother's‌‌death‌‌had‌‌a‌‌devastating‌‌impact‌‌on‌‌my‌‌life.‌‌I‌‌was‌‌barely‌‌two‌‌years‌‌old,‌‌yet‌‌I‌‌can‌‌
still‌ ‌remember‌ ‌lying‌ ‌in‌ ‌my‌ ‌crib,‌ ‌crying,‌ ‌“I‌ ‌want‌ ‌my‌ ‌mummy.‌ ‌I‌ ‌want‌ ‌my‌ ‌mummy,"‌ ‌and‌ ‌wondering‌‌
what‌‌I‌‌had‌‌done‌‌that‌‌was‌‌so‌‌bad‌‌that‌‌she‌‌wouldn't‌‌come‌‌back‌‌to‌‌me.‌‌My‌‌stomach‌‌ached‌‌for‌‌days.‌‌
To‌‌this‌‌day‌‌I‌‌get‌‌terrible‌‌pains‌‌in‌‌my‌‌stomach‌‌whenever‌‌I‌‌experience‌‌grief‌‌loss‌‌or‌‌abandonment.‌ ‌

My‌ ‌father‌ ‌remarried‌ ‌within‌ ‌a‌ ‌year‌ ‌and‌ ‌my‌ ‌stepmother‌ ‌soon‌ ‌became‌ ‌enmeshed‌ ‌in‌ ‌the‌‌
dynamics‌‌of‌‌my‌‌father's‌‌alcoholism.‌‌

When‌ ‌my‌ ‌father‌ ‌was‌ ‌drinking,‌ ‌he‌ ‌would‌ ‌sometimes‌ ‌become‌ ‌cruel.‌ ‌I‌ ‌can‌ ‌recall‌ ‌vividly‌ ‌his‌‌
brutal‌‌reaction‌‌to‌‌a‌‌typical‌‌childhood‌‌incident.‌ ‌

My‌ ‌father‌ ‌came‌ ‌home‌ ‌one‌ ‌evening‌ ‌and‌ ‌discovered‌ ‌that‌ ‌I‌ ‌had‌ ‌failed‌ ‌to‌ ‌lift‌ ‌the‌ ‌toilet‌ ‌seat‌‌
when‌‌I‌‌had‌‌to‌‌urinate‌‌and‌‌had‌‌accidentally‌‌wet‌‌the‌‌toilet‌‌seat.‌‌He‌‌came‌‌storming‌‌into‌‌my‌‌bedroom,‌‌
where‌‌my‌‌nurse‌‌was‌‌reading‌‌me‌‌a‌‌bedtime‌‌story.‌‌She‌‌screamed‌‌at‌‌him‌‌to‌‌stop‌‌as‌‌he‌‌snatched‌‌me‌‌
up‌ ‌and‌ ‌dragged‌ ‌me‌ ‌into‌ ‌the‌ ‌bathroom.‌ ‌In‌ ‌a‌ ‌rage‌ ‌he‌ ‌rubbed‌ ‌my‌ ‌face‌‌around‌‌the‌‌rim‌‌of‌‌the‌‌toilet‌‌
seat,‌‌the‌‌same‌‌way‌‌he‌‌trained‌‌our‌‌dog‌‌when‌‌he‌‌made‌‌a‌‌mistake.‌‌I‌‌was‌‌literally‌‌shaking‌‌after‌‌this‌‌
punishment.‌‌The‌‌next‌‌morning‌‌when‌‌I‌‌went‌‌into‌‌his‌‌room‌‌to‌‌apologise,‌‌I‌‌found‌‌that‌‌he‌‌seemed‌‌to‌‌
have‌‌no‌‌recollection‌‌of‌‌the‌‌incident.‌‌ ‌

I‌ ‌thought‌ ‌I‌ ‌must‌ ‌have‌ ‌done‌ ‌something‌ ‌too‌ ‌awful‌ ‌to‌ ‌be‌ ‌discussed.‌ ‌I‌‌was‌‌not‌‌old‌‌enough‌‌to‌‌
know‌‌that‌‌in‌‌my‌‌home‌‌the‌‌punishment‌‌was‌‌always‌‌out‌‌of‌‌proportion‌‌to‌‌the‌‌crime.‌ ‌

Emotionally‌ ‌I‌ ‌felt‌ ‌that‌ ‌my‌ ‌father‌ ‌had‌‌abandoned‌‌me.‌‌I‌‌could‌‌no‌‌longer‌‌trust‌‌him‌‌to‌‌care‌‌for‌‌

me.‌ ‌I‌ ‌felt‌ ‌hurt‌ ‌and‌ ‌guilty‌ ‌and‌ ‌very‌ ‌much‌ ‌alone.‌ ‌The‌ ‌experience‌ ‌left‌ ‌me‌ ‌fearful‌ ‌of‌ ‌him‌ ‌and‌ ‌all‌‌
authority‌‌figures.‌ ‌

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 My‌‌father‌‌never‌‌punished‌‌me‌‌physically‌‌again‌‌after‌‌this‌‌incident,‌‌save‌‌for‌‌a‌‌few‌‌slaps‌‌in‌‌the‌‌
face‌ ‌when‌ ‌he‌ ‌was‌ ‌annoyed‌ ‌with‌ ‌my‌ ‌behaviour.‌ ‌Fortunately,‌ ‌those‌ ‌times‌ ‌were‌ ‌few.‌ ‌To‌ ‌avoid‌ ‌his‌‌
wrath,‌‌I‌‌became‌‌a‌‌model‌‌son,‌‌always‌‌obedient‌‌and‌‌alert.‌ ‌

My‌ ‌stepmother‌ ‌was‌ ‌a‌ ‌very‌ ‌complex‌ ‌woman‌ ‌with‌ ‌problems‌ ‌of‌ ‌her‌ ‌own.‌‌She‌‌struggled‌‌with‌‌
dependency‌‌on‌‌alcohol,‌‌sleeping‌‌pills‌‌and‌‌diet‌‌pills‌‌for‌‌years.‌ ‌

She‌ ‌was‌ ‌generally‌ ‌supportive‌ ‌and‌ ‌concerned‌ ‌about‌ ‌me,‌ ‌but‌ ‌sometimes‌ ‌I‌ ‌got‌ ‌very‌ ‌mixed‌‌
signals.‌‌ ‌

Like‌ ‌my‌ ‌father,‌ ‌she‌ ‌verbally‌ ‌abused‌ ‌me,‌ ‌attacking‌ ‌me‌ ‌bitterly.‌ ‌On‌ ‌occasion‌ ‌she‌ ‌was‌‌
physically‌ ‌abusive.‌ ‌When‌ ‌enraged,‌ ‌she‌ ‌would‌ ‌stare‌ ‌at‌ ‌me‌ ‌angrily‌ ‌and‌ ‌force‌ ‌me‌ ‌to‌ ‌look‌ ‌into‌ ‌her‌‌
eyes.‌‌I‌‌am‌‌still‌‌uncomfortable‌‌around‌‌angry‌‌abusive‌‌women‌‌and‌‌have‌‌trouble‌‌confronting‌‌them.‌ ‌

For‌ ‌years‌ ‌my‌ ‌father‌ ‌would‌ ‌take‌ ‌me‌ ‌to‌ ‌visit‌ ‌my‌ ‌grandmother‌ ‌in‌ ‌her‌ ‌suite‌ ‌at‌ ‌the‌ ‌Waldorf‌‌
Astoria‌ ‌every‌ ‌Sunday,‌ ‌after‌ ‌which‌ ‌we‌ ‌would‌ ‌have‌ ‌a‌ ‌dinner‌ ‌I‌ ‌was‌ ‌too‌ ‌upset‌ ‌to‌ ‌eat.‌ ‌These‌ ‌visits‌‌
were‌‌a‌‌torture‌‌and‌‌an‌‌embarrassment.‌‌She‌‌would‌‌spend‌‌the‌‌entire‌‌visit‌‌criticizing‌‌and‌‌berating‌‌my‌‌
father,‌ ‌screaming‌ ‌that‌ ‌he‌ ‌was‌ ‌a‌ ‌rotten‌ ‌failure‌ ‌as‌‌a‌‌son‌‌and‌‌constantly‌‌recounting‌‌his‌‌faults.‌‌I‌‌felt‌
guilt‌‌and‌‌shame‌‌over‌‌the‌‌whole‌‌thing‌‌whenever‌‌she‌‌turned‌‌her‌‌attention‌‌toward‌‌me.‌‌After‌‌all,‌‌I‌‌was‌‌
my‌ ‌father's‌ ‌son.‌ ‌If‌ ‌he‌ ‌was‌ ‌no‌ ‌good,‌ ‌how‌ ‌then‌ ‌was‌ ‌I?‌ ‌When‌‌I‌‌was‌‌ten,‌‌my‌‌grandmother‌‌became‌‌
depressed‌‌and‌‌committed‌‌suicide‌‌by‌‌swimming‌‌out‌‌to‌‌sea.‌‌I‌‌felt‌‌great‌‌relief‌‌when‌‌I‌‌heard‌‌she‌‌had‌‌
died,‌‌principally‌‌because‌‌I‌‌was‌‌spared‌‌any‌‌more‌‌Sunday‌‌visits.‌ ‌

Shortly‌ ‌after‌ ‌her‌ ‌death‌ ‌1‌ ‌began‌ ‌to‌ ‌feel‌ ‌guilty‌ ‌about‌ ‌my‌ ‌relief‌ ‌at‌ ‌not‌ ‌having‌ ‌to‌ ‌visit‌ ‌her‌‌
anymore.‌ ‌What‌ ‌kind‌ ‌of‌ ‌dutiful‌‌grandson‌‌would‌‌have‌‌such‌‌sick‌‌selfish‌‌thoughts?‌‌I‌‌felt‌‌no‌‌sadness‌‌
or‌ ‌loss,‌ ‌just‌ ‌relief‌ ‌followed‌ ‌by‌ ‌guilt.‌ ‌In‌ ‌1939,‌ ‌when‌ ‌Hitler‌ ‌was‌ ‌killing‌ ‌Jews‌ ‌in‌ ‌Germany,‌ ‌I‌ ‌found‌‌a‌‌
note‌ ‌in‌ ‌my‌ ‌school‌ ‌desk‌ ‌that‌ ‌was‌ ‌to‌ ‌change‌ ‌my‌ ‌life.‌ ‌The‌ ‌note‌ ‌said,‌ ‌"Tony‌ ‌is‌ ‌a‌ ‌dirty‌ ‌Jew."‌ ‌I‌ ‌felt‌‌
shame‌ ‌and‌ ‌embarrassment‌ ‌and‌ ‌fear.‌ ‌All‌ ‌I‌ ‌could‌ ‌do‌ ‌was‌ ‌stare‌ ‌down‌ ‌at‌ ‌my‌ ‌desk.‌ ‌Stunned‌ ‌and‌‌
shaken,‌‌I‌‌showed‌‌the‌‌note‌‌to‌‌my‌‌father,‌‌who‌‌responded‌‌by‌‌telling‌‌me‌‌that‌‌I‌‌was‌‌only‌‌half-Jewish.‌‌I‌‌
felt‌ ‌shocked‌ ‌by‌ ‌his‌ ‌reply,‌ ‌which‌ ‌I‌ ‌took‌ ‌to‌ ‌mean‌ ‌that‌ ‌I‌ ‌was‌ ‌only‌ ‌"half-dirty”.‌ ‌Soon‌ ‌thereafter‌ ‌my‌‌
father‌‌became‌‌very‌‌troubled‌‌about‌‌anti-Semitism‌‌in‌‌this‌‌country‌‌and‌‌decided‌‌to‌‌change‌‌the‌‌family‌‌
name.‌ ‌I‌ ‌suggested‌ ‌the‌ ‌name‌ ‌of‌ ‌my‌ ‌favourite‌ ‌chemistry‌ ‌teacher,‌ ‌and‌ ‌it‌ ‌became‌ ‌our‌ ‌new‌ ‌legal‌‌
name.‌ ‌

The‌‌following‌‌year‌‌I‌‌was‌‌sent‌‌away‌‌to‌‌boarding‌‌school‌‌in‌‌Virginia,‌‌where‌‌no‌‌one‌‌would‌‌know‌‌
about‌ ‌my‌ ‌name‌ ‌change.‌ ‌My‌ ‌best‌ ‌friend‌ ‌also‌ ‌attended‌ ‌this‌ ‌school‌ ‌with‌ ‌me.‌ ‌My‌ ‌father‌ ‌paid‌ ‌his‌‌
tuition‌ ‌so‌ ‌I‌ ‌would‌ ‌not‌ ‌be‌ ‌lonely.‌ ‌By‌ ‌now,‌ ‌however,‌ ‌concealment‌ ‌and‌ ‌secrecy‌ ‌about‌ ‌my‌ ‌family‌‌
origins‌‌was‌‌a‌‌way‌‌of‌‌life.‌‌Clearly,‌‌I‌‌was‌‌unacceptable‌‌as‌‌a‌‌half-Jew.‌‌I‌‌was‌‌being‌‌taught‌‌to‌‌deny‌‌my‌‌
family‌‌heritage-or‌‌at‌‌least‌‌one-half‌‌of‌‌it.‌‌At‌‌boarding‌‌school,‌‌I‌‌escaped‌‌the‌‌oppressive‌‌atmosphere‌‌
of‌ ‌my‌ ‌family’s‌ ‌alcoholism‌ ‌but‌ ‌replaced‌ ‌it‌ ‌with‌ ‌worry‌ ‌that‌ ‌my‌ ‌closest‌ ‌friend‌ ‌would‌ ‌reveal‌‌my‌‌dark‌‌
secret.‌‌It‌‌got‌‌so‌‌I‌‌couldn't‌‌sleep‌‌at‌‌night‌‌and‌‌the‌‌school‌‌nurse‌‌began‌‌giving‌‌me‌‌sleeping‌‌pills.‌‌This‌‌
was‌‌marvellous!‌‌I‌‌had‌‌a‌‌substance‌‌that‌‌quickly‌‌helped‌‌me‌‌overcome‌‌my‌‌worry‌‌and‌‌concern.‌‌As‌‌a‌‌
way‌‌to‌‌change‌‌feelings,‌‌I‌‌see‌‌it‌‌now‌‌as‌‌the‌‌beginning‌‌of‌‌my‌‌addictive‌‌behaviour.‌‌The‌‌anti-Semitism‌‌
issue‌‌had‌‌a‌‌profound‌‌effect‌‌on‌‌me.‌‌I‌‌became‌‌overly‌‌sensitive‌‌to‌‌what‌‌other‌‌people‌‌thought‌‌of‌‌me.‌‌I‌‌

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tried‌‌to‌‌please‌‌everyone‌‌but‌‌couldn't‌‌trust‌‌anyone.‌‌Worst‌‌of‌‌all,‌‌I‌‌did‌‌not‌‌accept‌‌myself.‌‌I‌‌felt‌‌flawed‌‌
and‌‌inferior‌‌and‌‌that‌‌there‌‌was‌‌something‌‌very‌‌wrong‌‌with‌‌me.‌ ‌

I‌ ‌had‌ ‌been‌ ‌sent‌‌away‌‌to‌‌boarding‌‌school‌‌to‌‌hide,‌‌and‌‌at‌‌first,‌‌I‌‌did‌‌miserably.‌‌But‌‌after‌‌two‌‌

years‌ ‌I‌ ‌transferred‌ ‌to‌ ‌another‌ ‌school.‌ ‌There‌ ‌I‌‌was‌‌number‌‌one‌‌on‌‌the‌‌tennis‌‌team,‌‌ran‌‌the‌‌class‌‌
newspaper‌‌and‌‌became‌‌editor‌‌of‌‌the‌‌yearbook‌‌-‌‌all‌‌in‌‌an‌‌effort‌‌to‌‌be‌‌accepted.‌‌ ‌

After‌‌graduation‌‌I‌‌moved‌‌on‌‌to‌‌the‌‌University‌‌of‌‌Virginia,‌‌where‌‌I‌‌joined‌‌a‌‌Christian‌‌fraternity.‌‌
Mindful‌‌of‌‌my‌‌father's‌‌injunction‌‌-‌‌"If‌‌you‌‌ever‌‌reveal‌‌that‌‌you‌‌are‌‌half-Jewish,‌‌I‌‌will‌‌disown‌‌you"‌‌-‌‌I‌‌
told‌ ‌everyone‌ ‌that‌ ‌I‌ ‌was‌ ‌100‌ ‌percent‌ ‌Christian,‌ ‌a‌ ‌condition‌ ‌for‌ ‌fraternity‌ ‌membership.‌ ‌I‌‌was‌‌in‌‌a‌‌
terrible‌‌bind‌‌and‌‌it‌‌forced‌‌me‌‌to‌‌live‌‌a‌‌lie.‌‌Once‌‌again,‌‌my‌‌father‌‌had‌‌abandoned‌‌me.‌‌I‌‌felt‌‌lost‌‌and‌‌
alone‌‌in‌‌my‌‌deception.‌ ‌

At‌‌the‌‌University‌‌I‌‌played‌‌tennis,‌‌shot‌‌pool‌‌and‌‌gambled.‌‌I‌‌didn't‌‌touch‌‌liquor,‌‌my‌‌father‌‌and‌‌I‌‌
had‌‌made‌‌a‌‌pact‌‌that‌‌he‌‌would‌‌give‌‌me‌‌a‌‌sizable‌‌sum‌‌of‌‌money‌‌if‌‌I‌‌refrained‌‌from‌‌any‌‌alcohol‌‌until‌‌
I‌ ‌was‌ ‌21‌‌years‌‌old.‌‌As‌‌a‌‌substitute‌‌I‌‌selected‌‌gambling-mostly‌‌poker‌‌and‌‌shooting‌‌craps.‌‌When‌‌I‌‌
was‌‌at‌‌boarding‌‌school‌‌and‌‌college,‌‌my‌‌father‌‌began‌‌acting‌‌out‌‌in‌‌strange‌‌ways.‌‌He‌‌was‌‌heavily‌‌in‌‌
the‌‌grips‌‌of‌‌alcoholism.‌‌His‌‌behaviour‌‌became‌‌more‌‌bizarre‌‌and‌‌my‌‌stepmother‌‌began‌‌taking‌‌him‌‌
to‌ ‌mental‌ ‌health‌ ‌clinics.‌ ‌She‌ ‌soon‌ ‌became‌ ‌worn‌ ‌out‌ ‌with‌ ‌this‌ ‌and‌ ‌turned‌ ‌the‌ ‌task‌ ‌over‌ ‌to‌ ‌me.‌ ‌I‌‌
remember‌ ‌leaving‌ ‌him‌ ‌at‌ ‌the‌ ‌different‌ ‌facilities,‌ ‌always‌‌feeling‌‌guilty‌‌that‌‌I‌‌was‌‌leaving‌‌him‌‌there‌‌
alone‌‌and‌‌so‌‌forlorn.‌‌Even‌‌though‌‌he‌‌had‌‌asked‌‌me‌‌to‌‌bring‌‌him‌‌there,‌‌he‌‌would‌‌invariably‌‌say‌‌to‌‌
me,‌‌"How‌‌can‌‌you‌‌leave‌‌me‌‌in‌‌a‌‌place‌‌like‌‌this?"‌‌I‌‌felt‌‌sad‌‌that‌‌my‌‌father‌‌was‌‌in‌‌such‌‌a‌‌desperate‌‌
way‌ ‌and‌ ‌needed‌ ‌to‌ ‌go‌‌to‌‌such‌‌places.‌‌It‌‌was‌‌a‌‌depressing‌‌scene.‌‌I‌‌had‌‌ample‌‌material‌‌comforts‌‌
but‌‌little‌‌in‌‌the‌‌way‌‌of‌‌stability‌‌or‌‌nurturing‌‌by‌‌my‌‌parents.‌‌It‌‌was‌‌all‌‌very‌‌confusing‌‌and‌‌frightening.‌‌
All‌‌of‌‌these‌‌events‌‌made‌‌me‌‌feel‌‌different‌‌and‌‌apart.‌ ‌

I‌ ‌was‌ ‌always‌ ‌fearful‌ ‌that‌ ‌those‌ ‌I‌ ‌was‌ ‌with‌ ‌would‌ ‌discover‌ ‌my‌‌name‌‌change.‌‌Concealment‌‌
and‌‌acceptance‌‌became‌‌primary‌‌themes‌‌in‌‌my‌‌relationships‌‌with‌‌others.‌‌Behind‌‌it‌‌all‌‌was‌‌a‌‌lot‌‌of‌‌
self-loathing‌‌and‌‌very‌‌little‌‌self-acceptance.‌ ‌

When‌‌I‌‌graduated‌‌from‌‌college,‌‌I‌‌returned‌‌to‌‌New‌‌York‌‌and‌‌became‌‌a‌‌stockbroker,‌‌following‌‌
in‌ ‌my‌‌father's‌‌footsteps.‌‌One‌‌major‌‌difference,‌‌however,‌‌was‌‌the‌‌way‌‌in‌‌which‌‌I‌‌chose‌‌to‌‌present‌‌
myself.‌ ‌For‌ ‌so‌ ‌long‌ ‌I‌ ‌had‌ ‌hidden‌ ‌my‌ ‌Jewish‌ ‌heritage‌ ‌and‌ ‌hated‌ ‌my‌ ‌past.‌ ‌Now‌ ‌I‌ ‌became‌ ‌vocal‌‌
regarding‌ ‌my‌ ‌Jewish/Christian‌ ‌roots.‌ ‌In‌ ‌fact,‌ ‌I‌ ‌jammed‌ ‌it‌ ‌down‌ ‌people's‌ ‌throats,‌ ‌testing‌ ‌their‌‌
reactions.‌‌That‌‌way,‌‌if‌‌someone‌‌became‌‌my‌‌friend‌‌at‌‌least‌‌I‌‌knew‌‌he‌‌or‌‌she‌‌was‌‌aware‌‌that‌‌I‌‌was‌‌
part‌ ‌Jewish‌ ‌and‌ ‌accepted‌‌me‌‌as‌‌I‌‌was.‌‌I‌‌was‌‌truly‌‌sensitized‌‌to‌‌this‌‌issue‌‌and‌‌it‌‌deeply‌‌distorted‌‌
my‌‌thoughts‌‌and‌‌actions.‌ ‌

I‌‌put‌‌people‌‌through‌‌difficult‌‌tests‌‌to‌‌assure‌‌myself‌‌that‌‌they‌‌were‌‌real‌‌friends.‌‌With‌‌women‌‌I‌‌
learned‌ ‌to‌ ‌be‌ ‌a‌ ‌consummate‌ ‌people-pleaser,‌ ‌manipulator‌ ‌and‌ ‌abandoner.‌ ‌My‌ ‌goal‌ ‌was‌ ‌to‌‌avoid‌‌
the‌ ‌terror‌ ‌I‌ ‌felt‌ ‌if‌ ‌they‌ ‌displayed‌‌any‌‌anger,‌‌or‌‌the‌‌guilt‌‌I‌‌felt‌‌when‌‌I‌‌left‌‌them.‌‌"Keep‌‌them‌‌happy,‌‌
distracted‌‌and‌‌satisfied‌‌and‌‌they‌‌won't‌‌abandon‌‌me."‌ ‌

As‌ ‌a‌ ‌result‌ ‌of‌ ‌my‌‌childhood‌‌experiences,‌‌the‌‌early‌‌days‌‌in‌‌ACoA‌‌were‌‌very‌‌painful‌‌for‌‌me.‌‌

When‌ ‌other‌ ‌members‌ ‌expressed‌ ‌anger,‌ ‌I‌ ‌wanted‌ ‌to‌ ‌run.‌ ‌Eventually,‌ ‌however,‌ ‌their‌ ‌stories‌ ‌of‌‌
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physical,‌ ‌sexual‌ ‌and‌ ‌verbal‌ ‌abuse‌ ‌put‌ ‌me‌ ‌in‌ ‌touch‌ ‌with‌ ‌my‌ ‌feelings‌ ‌of‌ ‌shame,‌ ‌fear‌ ‌and‌ ‌guilt.‌ ‌I‌‌
discovered‌ ‌that‌ ‌because‌ ‌of‌ ‌what‌ ‌had‌ ‌happened‌ ‌to‌ ‌me‌ ‌as‌ ‌a‌ ‌child,‌ ‌I‌ ‌had‌ ‌been‌ ‌conditioned‌ ‌to‌‌
become‌‌a‌‌fear-based‌‌personality‌‌called‌‌Tony‌‌A.‌ ‌

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At‌‌the‌‌beginning‌‌of‌‌step‌‌1‌‌you‌‌will‌‌be‌‌asked‌‌to‌‌describe‌‌which‌‌of‌‌these‌‌traits‌‌you‌‌most‌‌identify‌‌with‌‌and‌‌
how‌ ‌they‌ ‌impact‌ ‌you‌ ‌today.‌ ‌While‌ ‌you‌ ‌read‌ ‌these‌ ‌traits,‌ ‌highlight‌ ‌the‌ ‌parts‌ ‌that‌ ‌apply‌ ‌to‌ ‌you,‌ ‌then‌‌
underline‌ ‌that‌ ‌are‌‌causing‌‌you‌‌pain‌‌at‌‌this‌‌time.‌‌Once‌‌you‌‌complete‌‌each‌‌trait,‌‌score‌‌them‌‌out‌‌of‌‌10,‌‌
0=not‌‌affected,‌‌10=severely‌‌troubled‌‌by.‌ ‌

The‌‌Laundry‌‌List‌‌ ‌

Clearly‌ ‌it‌ ‌was‌ ‌time‌ ‌to‌ ‌put‌ ‌in‌ ‌writing‌ ‌the‌ ‌general‌ ‌dimensions‌ ‌of‌ ‌our‌ ‌problem‌ ‌and‌ ‌some‌‌
possible‌ ‌solutions.‌ ‌Until‌ ‌this‌ ‌point,‌ ‌we‌‌had‌‌kept‌‌our‌‌special‌‌programme‌‌tentative‌‌and‌‌provisional.‌‌
But‌‌now‌‌it‌‌seemed‌‌to‌‌be‌‌an‌‌appropriate‌‌time‌‌to‌‌go‌‌on‌‌record‌‌with‌‌what‌‌I‌‌thought‌‌we‌‌were‌‌all‌‌about.‌‌
That‌ ‌night‌ ‌I‌ ‌spent‌ ‌hours‌ ‌thinking‌ ‌about‌ ‌the‌ ‌nature‌ ‌of‌ ‌our‌ ‌ACoA‌ ‌issues‌ ‌and‌ ‌how‌ ‌we‌ ‌might‌ ‌best‌‌
resolve‌‌them.‌‌I‌‌knew‌‌I‌‌was‌‌in‌‌over‌‌my‌‌head,‌‌but‌‌I‌‌decided‌‌to‌‌try‌‌anyway.‌ ‌

The‌ ‌next‌ ‌morning‌ ‌when‌ ‌I‌ ‌arrived‌ ‌at‌ ‌my‌ ‌office,‌ ‌I‌ ‌promptly‌ ‌set‌ ‌about‌ ‌writing‌ ‌down‌ ‌what‌ ‌I‌‌
perceived‌‌to‌‌be‌‌the‌‌major‌‌problems‌‌and‌‌behaviour‌‌patterns‌‌we‌‌had‌‌in‌‌common.‌‌To‌‌my‌‌amazement‌
I‌‌listed‌‌some‌‌14‌‌items.‌‌I‌‌felt‌‌that‌‌I‌‌was‌‌receiving‌‌inner‌‌guidance‌‌and‌‌direction‌‌as‌‌I‌‌wrote‌‌the‌‌words.‌‌
It‌‌was‌‌a‌‌strange‌‌feeling.‌‌After‌‌completing‌‌the‌‌list,‌‌I‌‌turned‌‌my‌‌efforts‌‌to‌‌outlining‌‌a‌‌solution.‌‌For‌‌this‌‌
key‌ ‌element‌ ‌I‌ ‌drew‌ ‌heavily‌ ‌upon‌ ‌some‌ ‌of‌ ‌the‌ ‌AA‌ ‌and‌ ‌Alon-non‌ ‌slogans‌ ‌and‌ ‌general‌ ‌guiding‌‌
principles.‌ ‌I‌ ‌suggested‌ ‌that‌ ‌frequent‌ ‌attendance‌ ‌at‌ ‌meetings,‌ ‌keeping‌ ‌the‌ ‌focus‌ ‌on‌ ‌ourselves,‌‌
feeling‌ ‌our‌ ‌feelings‌ ‌(and‌ ‌expressing‌ ‌them)‌ ‌and‌ ‌working‌ ‌the‌ ‌AA‌ ‌steps‌ ‌were‌ ‌the‌ ‌major‌ ‌tools‌ ‌we‌‌
could‌ ‌use‌ ‌to‌ ‌recover.‌‌I‌‌didn't‌‌set‌‌down‌‌anything‌‌particularly‌‌radical‌‌or‌‌progressive.‌‌Most‌‌of‌‌what‌‌I‌‌
wrote‌‌seemed‌‌pretty‌‌basic.‌‌It‌‌didn't‌‌sound‌‌too‌‌therapeutic‌‌and‌‌it‌‌wasn't‌‌evangelism.‌‌It‌‌turned‌‌out‌‌to‌‌
be‌‌a‌‌simple‌‌definition‌‌of‌‌who‌‌we‌‌were‌‌and‌‌what‌‌we‌‌might‌‌consider‌‌doing‌‌about‌‌it‌‌so‌‌that‌‌"we‌‌could‌‌
get‌‌on‌‌with‌‌our‌‌lives‌‌in‌‌a‌‌more‌‌balanced‌‌and‌‌wholesome‌‌way."‌‌I‌‌then‌‌took‌‌this‌‌Problem/Solution‌‌to‌‌
our‌‌group‌‌secretary,‌‌Chris‌‌F.‌‌She‌‌made‌‌some‌‌valuable‌‌changes‌‌in‌‌the‌‌Solution‌‌and‌‌typed‌‌it‌‌up.‌ ‌

I‌‌presented‌‌this‌‌document‌‌to‌‌the‌‌group‌‌at‌‌the‌‌very‌‌next‌‌meeting.‌‌As‌‌I‌‌finished‌‌reading‌‌the‌‌14‌‌
elements‌ ‌that‌ ‌described‌ ‌our‌ ‌problem,‌ ‌one‌ ‌of‌ ‌the‌ ‌members,‌ ‌Barry,‌ ‌exclaimed,‌‌"Oh‌‌boy,‌‌that's‌‌my‌‌
laundry‌‌list!"‌‌So,‌‌the‌‌group‌‌members‌‌promptly‌‌dubbed‌‌it‌‌the‌‌Laundry‌‌List.‌ ‌

This‌ ‌Laundry‌ ‌List‌ ‌and‌ ‌the‌ ‌Solution,‌ ‌also‌ ‌called‌ ‌the‌ ‌Problem/Solution,‌ ‌became‌ ‌the‌ ‌first‌ ‌formal‌‌
document‌‌to‌‌explain‌‌who‌‌we‌‌were‌‌and‌‌what‌‌we‌‌hoped‌‌to‌‌accomplish.‌‌I‌‌read‌‌them‌‌aloud‌‌at‌‌every‌‌
subsequent‌ ‌meeting.‌ ‌They‌ ‌seemed‌ ‌to‌ ‌help‌ ‌newcomers‌ ‌identify‌ ‌with‌ ‌their‌ ‌ACoA‌ ‌issues‌ ‌and‌ ‌the‌‌
group‌‌effort,‌‌and‌‌the‌‌Laundry‌‌List‌‌also‌‌provided‌‌us‌‌with‌‌topics‌‌for‌‌discussion.‌‌ ‌

Our‌ ‌second‌ ‌group‌ ‌was‌ ‌visited‌ ‌by‌ ‌two‌ ‌members‌ ‌of‌ ‌the‌ ‌national‌ ‌staff‌ ‌of‌ ‌Al-Anon.‌ ‌They‌‌
reluctantly‌ ‌informed‌ ‌us‌ ‌that‌ ‌we‌ ‌could‌ ‌not‌ ‌qualify‌ ‌or‌ ‌be‌ ‌recognized‌ ‌as‌ ‌an‌ ‌Al-Anon-meeting‌ ‌if‌ ‌we‌‌
read‌ ‌the‌ ‌Laundry‌ ‌List‌ ‌or‌ ‌other‌ ‌literature‌ ‌not‌ ‌approved‌ ‌by‌ ‌their‌ ‌general‌ ‌conference.‌ ‌Since‌ ‌our‌‌
second‌ ‌group‌ ‌was‌ ‌operating‌ ‌autonomously‌ ‌and‌ ‌had‌ ‌no‌ ‌burning‌ ‌desire‌ ‌to‌ ‌maintain‌‌affiliation,‌‌we‌‌
elected‌‌to‌‌remain‌‌independent‌‌and‌‌not‌‌affiliate.‌ ‌

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The‌‌“Laundry‌‌List”‌‌(14‌‌Characteristics‌‌of‌‌an‌‌Adult‌‌Child)‌ ‌ ‌

These‌ ‌are‌ ‌characteristics‌ ‌we‌ ‌seem‌ ‌to‌ ‌have‌ ‌in‌ ‌common‌ ‌due‌ ‌to‌ ‌being‌ ‌brought‌ ‌up‌ ‌in‌ ‌an‌‌
alcoholic/dysfunctional‌‌household.‌‌ ‌

1.‌‌We‌‌became‌‌isolated‌‌and‌‌afraid‌‌of‌‌people‌‌and‌‌authority‌‌figures.‌ ‌

For‌‌many‌‌ACoA’s‌‌isolation‌‌and‌‌fear‌‌were‌‌the‌‌most‌‌natural,‌‌almost‌‌spontaneous‌‌response‌‌to‌‌
living‌ ‌with‌ ‌angry,‌ ‌abusive,‌ ‌hypercritical‌ ‌parents.‌ ‌Our‌‌parents‌‌were‌‌our‌‌first‌‌authority‌‌figures,‌‌and‌‌
they‌ ‌loomed‌‌large‌‌over‌‌us‌‌in‌‌an‌‌almost‌‌God-like‌‌manner.‌ ‌ ‌

Alcoholism‌ ‌distorts‌ ‌human‌ ‌relationships,‌ ‌and‌ ‌the‌ ‌effects‌ ‌of‌ ‌alcoholism‌ ‌are‌ ‌particularly‌‌
devastating‌‌to‌‌young‌‌children‌‌who‌‌naturally‌‌seek‌‌love,‌‌acceptance,‌‌respect‌‌and‌‌consistency.‌‌To‌‌be‌‌
verbally‌ ‌or‌ ‌physically‌ ‌abused‌ ‌during‌‌the‌‌most‌‌vulnerable‌‌and‌‌innocent‌‌years‌‌can‌‌create‌‌either‌‌a‌‌
fear‌ ‌of,‌ ‌or‌ ‌hostility‌ ‌toward‌ ‌authority,‌ ‌and‌ ‌a‌ ‌hypersensitivity‌ ‌toward‌‌angry,‌‌oppressive‌‌individuals.‌‌
Many‌‌ACoA’s‌‌continue‌‌to‌‌retreat‌‌into‌‌isolation,‌‌avoidance‌‌and‌‌distrust‌‌of‌‌people‌‌and‌‌relationships‌‌
in‌ ‌order‌ ‌to‌ ‌ensure‌ ‌survival.‌ ‌As‌ ‌adults‌ ‌many‌ ‌ACoA’s‌‌found‌‌that‌‌their‌‌reactions‌‌to‌‌authority‌‌figures‌‌
either‌‌put‌ ‌them‌‌at‌‌the‌‌feet‌‌or‌‌at‌‌the‌‌throat‌‌of‌‌those‌‌they‌‌viewed‌‌in‌‌this‌‌way.‌‌As‌‌one‌‌member‌‌said,‌‌
“I‌‌either‌ ‌wanted‌‌to‌‌kiss‌‌them‌‌or‌‌kill‌‌them.”‌ ‌ ‌

Acquiring‌‌a‌‌more‌‌balanced‌‌approach‌‌toward‌‌those‌‌seen‌‌as‌‌authority‌‌figures‌‌is‌‌sometimes‌‌a‌‌
difficult‌ ‌task.‌ ‌Until‌ ‌we‌ ‌learn‌ ‌to‌ ‌separate‌‌out‌‌and‌‌see‌‌that‌‌we‌‌are‌‌reacting‌‌in‌‌the‌‌present‌‌in‌‌much‌‌
the‌ ‌same‌ ‌way‌ ‌as‌ ‌we‌‌did‌‌in‌‌our‌‌abusive‌‌family,‌‌we‌‌are‌‌bound‌‌to‌‌have‌‌troubled‌‌relationships.‌‌Just‌‌
watching‌ ‌one’s‌ ‌typical‌ ‌reactions,‌ ‌be‌ ‌it‌ ‌withdrawal,‌ ‌fright‌ ‌or‌‌hostility,‌‌and‌‌modifying‌‌this‌‌response‌‌
takes‌‌real‌‌effort;‌‌but‌‌it’s‌‌an‌‌essential‌‌step‌‌toward‌‌recovery.‌ ‌ ‌

Don’t‌‌expect‌‌that‌‌knowledge‌‌alone‌‌will‌‌miraculously‌‌produce‌‌a‌‌new‌‌set‌‌of‌‌healthy‌‌responses.‌‌For‌ ‌
many‌‌it‌‌takes‌‌a‌‌painful‌‌trial‌‌over‌‌many‌‌months‌‌or‌‌even‌‌years.‌ ‌

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2.‌‌We‌‌are‌‌frightened‌‌by‌‌angry‌‌people‌‌and‌‌personal‌‌criticism.‌ ‌

One‌ ‌of‌ ‌the‌ ‌most‌ ‌corrosive‌ ‌and‌ ‌damaging‌ ‌aspects‌ ‌of‌ ‌an‌ ‌alcoholic‌ ‌household‌ ‌is‌ ‌the‌ ‌use‌ ‌of‌‌
rage‌ ‌and‌ ‌incessant‌ ‌criticism‌ ‌to‌ ‌control‌ ‌the‌ ‌family’s‌ ‌behaviour.‌ ‌For‌ ‌many‌ ‌ACoA’s,‌ ‌abuse‌ ‌is‌ ‌often‌‌
accompanied‌‌by‌‌anger.‌‌As‌‌a‌‌child,‌‌violent,‌‌angry‌‌movements‌‌and‌‌gestures‌‌absolutely‌‌terrified‌‌me.‌‌
Our‌ ‌parents‌ ‌were‌ ‌unpredictable‌ ‌and‌ ‌out‌ ‌of‌ ‌control.‌ ‌We,‌ ‌the‌ ‌helpless‌ ‌victims,‌ ‌had‌ ‌few‌ ‌defences.‌‌
We‌‌were‌‌completely‌‌at‌‌their‌‌mercy‌‌and‌‌full‌‌of‌‌fear‌‌for‌‌our‌‌survival.‌ ‌ ‌

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 As‌‌very‌‌young‌‌children‌‌we‌‌were‌‌also‌‌painfully‌‌susceptible‌‌to‌‌the‌‌daily‌‌litany‌‌of‌‌verbal‌‌abuse.‌‌
We‌ ‌were‌ ‌being‌ ‌“defined”‌ ‌by‌ ‌our‌ ‌parents‌ ‌and‌ ‌we‌ ‌had‌ ‌no‌ ‌choice‌ ‌but‌ ‌to‌ ‌believe‌ ‌what‌ ‌they‌ ‌were‌‌
telling‌‌us‌‌about‌‌ourselves.‌‌This‌‌ugly‌‌pattern‌‌of‌‌verbal‌‌harassment‌‌caused‌‌many‌‌of‌‌us‌‌to‌‌feel‌‌great‌‌
shame‌ ‌and‌ ‌an‌‌overwhelming‌‌sense‌‌of‌‌inadequacy.‌‌Spontaneity,‌‌trust‌‌and‌‌confidence‌‌fled‌‌before‌‌
these‌ ‌repeated‌ ‌verbal‌ ‌assaults.‌ ‌As‌ ‌adults‌ ‌we‌ ‌may‌ ‌sometimes‌ ‌be‌ ‌revisited‌ ‌by‌ ‌these‌ ‌feelings‌ ‌of‌‌
helplessness‌ ‌when‌ ‌criticized‌ ‌or‌ ‌become‌ ‌very‌ ‌distressed‌ ‌by‌ ‌angry‌ ‌outbursts.‌ ‌Continuous‌‌
badgering‌‌of‌‌a‌‌child‌‌over‌‌many‌ ‌years‌‌can,‌‌unfortunately,‌‌lead‌‌to‌‌resistance‌‌in‌‌recovery.‌‌As‌‌adults‌‌
our‌‌reactions‌‌to‌‌critical‌‌or‌‌even‌‌mild‌‌suggestions‌‌can‌‌be‌‌alienating‌‌or‌‌inappropriate.‌ ‌ ‌

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3.‌‌Became‌‌approval-seekers‌‌and‌‌lost‌‌our‌‌identity‌‌in‌‌the‌‌process.‌‌ ‌
Very‌ ‌early‌ ‌in‌ ‌my‌ ‌childhood‌ ‌I‌ ‌began‌ ‌to‌ ‌watch‌ ‌the‌ ‌expressions‌ ‌on‌ ‌my‌ ‌father’s‌ ‌face‌ ‌very‌‌
carefully.‌ ‌By‌ ‌doing‌ ‌so‌ ‌I‌ ‌could‌ ‌quickly‌ ‌determine‌ ‌what‌ ‌kind‌ ‌of‌ ‌mood‌ ‌he‌ ‌was‌ ‌in‌ ‌and‌ ‌adjust‌ ‌my‌‌
behaviour‌ ‌accordingly.‌ ‌My‌ ‌responses‌ ‌to‌ ‌my‌ ‌father‌ ‌were‌ ‌always‌ ‌efforts‌ ‌to‌ ‌keep‌ ‌him‌ ‌“happy.”‌‌
Whenever‌ ‌possible‌‌I‌‌used‌‌humour‌‌to‌‌keep‌‌him‌‌from‌‌escalating‌‌a‌‌sour‌‌mood.‌ ‌

Approval‌‌seeking‌‌became‌‌a‌‌powerful‌‌defence‌‌mechanism‌‌that‌‌I‌‌used‌‌whenever‌‌I‌‌was‌‌faced‌‌
with‌‌people‌‌who‌‌were‌‌potentially‌‌threatening‌‌or‌‌violent,‌‌and‌‌my‌‌father‌‌was‌‌at‌‌the‌‌head‌‌of‌‌that‌‌list.‌‌I‌ ‌
believed‌‌at‌‌a‌‌deep‌‌level‌‌that‌‌if‌‌I‌‌could‌‌get‌‌people’s‌‌approval,‌‌they‌‌wouldn’t‌‌hurt‌‌me.‌ ‌ ‌

Today‌‌I‌‌know‌‌that‌‌when‌‌I‌‌fall‌‌into‌‌an‌‌approval‌‌seeking‌‌stance‌‌and‌‌sometimes‌‌I‌‌find‌‌it‌‌difficult‌‌
not‌‌to‌‌lose‌‌my‌‌identity.‌‌I‌‌abandon‌‌my‌‌natural‌‌self.‌‌The‌‌real‌‌me‌‌slides‌‌under‌‌the‌‌door‌‌because‌‌I’m‌ ‌
concentrating‌‌on‌‌responses‌‌and‌‌behaviour‌‌that‌‌will‌‌please‌‌another,‌‌not‌‌me.‌‌So,‌‌I‌‌have‌‌said‌‌no‌‌to‌‌
the‌ ‌authentic‌‌me‌‌and‌‌yes‌‌to‌‌someone‌‌else’s‌‌wants.‌ ‌ ‌

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4.‌‌We‌‌either‌‌become‌‌alcoholics,‌‌marry‌‌them‌‌or‌‌both‌‌or‌‌find‌‌another‌‌compulsive‌‌
personality,‌‌such‌‌as‌‌a‌‌workaholic,‌‌to‌‌fulfil‌‌our‌‌sick‌‌abandonment‌‌needs.‌‌ ‌

If‌ ‌we‌ ‌make‌ ‌a‌ ‌careful‌ ‌survey‌ ‌of‌ ‌those‌ ‌close‌ ‌to‌ ‌us,‌ ‌family‌ ‌and‌ ‌non-family,‌ ‌it‌ ‌probably‌ ‌won’t‌‌
take‌ ‌too‌ ‌much‌ ‌effort‌ ‌to‌ ‌notice‌ ‌that‌ ‌sometimes‌ ‌we‌ ‌are‌ ‌drawn‌ ‌to,‌ ‌befriend‌ ‌or‌ ‌become‌ ‌attracted‌‌to‌‌
alcoholics‌ ‌or‌ ‌other‌ ‌addictive‌ ‌people.‌ ‌Emotionally‌ ‌healthy‌ ‌individuals‌ ‌with‌ ‌a‌ ‌solid‌ ‌sense‌ ‌of‌‌
self-esteem‌‌do‌‌not‌ ‌usually‌‌link‌‌up‌‌with‌‌alcoholic,‌‌compulsive‌‌or‌‌emotionally‌‌ill‌‌individuals.‌‌ ‌

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 Sometimes‌‌the‌‌fixers‌‌and‌‌rescuers,‌‌who‌‌have‌‌very‌‌cleverly‌‌concealed‌‌their‌‌own‌‌personality‌ ‌
problems,‌‌marry‌‌or‌‌couple‌‌with‌‌an‌‌alcoholic‌‌in‌‌a‌‌vain‌‌effort‌‌to‌‌gain‌‌control‌‌or‌‌self-esteem‌‌through‌ ‌
the‌‌process‌‌of‌‌rescue.‌ ‌ ‌

Conversely‌ ‌many‌ ‌dependent‌ ‌and‌ ‌addictive‌ ‌people‌ ‌have‌ ‌been‌ ‌known‌ ‌to‌ ‌reach‌ ‌out‌ ‌for‌‌
rescuing‌ ‌by‌ ‌turning‌ ‌to‌ ‌those‌ ‌who‌ ‌closely‌ ‌resemble‌ ‌their‌ ‌most‌ ‌abusive‌ ‌parent.‌ ‌While‌ ‌the‌ ‌rational‌‌
world‌ ‌would‌ ‌expect‌ ‌a‌ ‌mistreated‌ ‌child‌ ‌to‌ ‌stay‌ ‌well‌ ‌clear‌ ‌of‌ ‌an‌ ‌abusive‌ ‌romantic‌ ‌partnership,‌‌
experience‌ ‌says‌ ‌otherwise.‌ ‌Pain‌ ‌and‌ ‌abuse‌ ‌are‌ ‌familiar‌ ‌to‌ ‌most‌ ‌ACoA’s‌ ‌and‌ ‌often‌ ‌they‌ ‌feel‌‌
almost‌ ‌comfortable‌ ‌in‌ ‌an‌ ‌abusive‌ ‌environment‌ ‌or‌ ‌relationship‌ ‌that‌ ‌resembles‌ ‌what‌ ‌they‌‌
experienced‌‌in‌‌childhood.‌ ‌ ‌

Alcoholics‌ ‌and‌ ‌workaholics‌ ‌are‌ ‌seldom‌ ‌capable‌ ‌of‌ ‌being‌ ‌supportive‌ ‌to‌ ‌another‌ ‌person‌‌
because‌ ‌their‌ ‌compulsive/addictive‌ ‌behaviour‌‌acts‌‌to‌‌block‌‌their‌‌feelings.‌‌For‌‌many‌‌the‌‌addiction‌‌
is‌ ‌the‌ ‌way‌ ‌of‌ ‌not‌ ‌feeling‌ ‌the‌ ‌feelings.‌ ‌Thus,‌ ‌a‌ ‌parent‌ ‌or‌ ‌partner‌ ‌who‌ ‌purposely‌ ‌gets‌ ‌drunk‌ ‌is‌‌
making‌‌a‌‌statement:‌‌“I‌‌am‌ ‌now‌‌emotionally‌‌abandoning‌‌myself,‌‌my‌‌mate‌‌and/or‌‌my‌‌children.”‌ ‌ ‌

When‌ ‌we‌ ‌become‌ ‌involved‌ ‌with‌ ‌an‌ ‌addictive‌ ‌person,‌ ‌we‌ ‌are‌ ‌at‌ ‌some‌ ‌level‌ ‌seeking‌ ‌the‌‌
familiar‌ ‌abandonment‌‌we‌‌experienced‌‌as‌‌children.‌ ‌ ‌

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5.‌‌We‌‌live‌‌life‌‌from‌‌the‌‌viewpoint‌‌of‌‌victims‌‌and‌‌are‌‌attracted‌‌by‌‌that‌‌weakness‌‌
in‌‌our‌‌love‌‌and‌‌friendship‌‌relationships.‌‌ ‌
All‌ ‌ACoA’s‌ ‌are‌ ‌truly‌ ‌victims.‌ ‌We‌ ‌view‌ ‌and‌ ‌approach‌ ‌life‌ ‌from‌ ‌that‌ ‌posture.‌ ‌We‌ ‌are‌ ‌readily‌‌
attuned‌‌to‌‌and‌‌empathetic‌‌with‌‌kindred‌‌sufferers.‌‌Indeed,‌‌there‌‌is‌‌almost‌‌a‌‌sixth‌‌sense‌‌that‌‌guides‌‌
our‌ ‌affiliation‌‌and‌‌socializing‌‌process.‌ ‌ ‌

It‌‌is‌‌quite‌‌natural‌‌for‌‌victims‌‌to‌‌be‌‌attracted‌‌to‌‌other‌‌victims.‌‌ ‌

Identification‌ ‌is‌ ‌almost‌ ‌instantaneous;‌ ‌and‌ ‌those‌ ‌of‌ ‌us‌‌who‌‌are‌‌fixers‌‌and‌‌rescuers‌‌leap‌‌at‌‌

the‌ ‌opportunity‌‌to‌‌become‌‌involved‌‌in‌‌attempting‌‌to‌‌strengthen‌‌and‌‌nourish‌‌another‌‌unfortunate.‌‌
We‌ ‌fail‌‌to‌‌understand‌‌that‌‌we‌‌often‌‌do‌‌so‌‌as‌‌a‌‌means‌‌of‌‌escaping‌‌our‌‌own‌‌pain‌‌and‌‌turmoil,‌‌in‌‌the‌‌
belief‌ ‌that‌ ‌by‌ ‌putting‌ ‌the‌ ‌focus‌ ‌on‌ ‌another‌ ‌we‌ ‌will‌ ‌somehow‌ ‌solve‌ ‌the‌ ‌many‌ ‌ACoA‌ ‌issues‌ ‌that‌‌
confront‌ ‌us.‌ ‌Often,‌ ‌we‌ ‌act‌ ‌out‌ ‌the‌ ‌role‌ ‌of‌ ‌victim‌ ‌over‌ ‌and‌ ‌over‌ ‌again.‌ ‌Being‌ ‌victimized‌ ‌has‌ ‌a‌‌
bittersweet‌ ‌familiarity‌‌and‌‌provides‌‌a‌‌consistent‌‌identity.‌‌The‌‌challenge‌‌for‌‌ACoA’s‌‌is‌‌to‌‌recognize‌‌
the‌ ‌many‌ ‌ways‌ ‌in‌ ‌which‌ ‌we‌‌perpetuate‌‌the‌‌behaviour‌‌of:‌‌victim,‌‌sell‌‌ourselves‌‌short‌‌or‌‌discount‌‌
our‌‌personal‌ ‌value.‌ ‌ ‌

Once‌‌we‌‌are‌‌aware‌‌of‌‌our‌‌sabotage‌‌efforts,‌‌we‌‌can‌‌slowly‌‌begin‌‌the‌‌task‌‌of‌‌making‌‌healthy‌‌
decisions‌‌that‌‌move‌‌us‌‌steadily‌‌away‌‌from‌‌the‌‌distress‌‌of‌‌low‌‌self-esteem.‌‌It’s‌‌not‌‌an‌‌easy‌‌task‌‌but‌‌
it‌ ‌does‌ ‌become‌ ‌less‌ ‌difficult‌ ‌with‌ ‌daily‌ ‌practice.‌ ‌Victims‌ ‌usually‌ ‌feel‌ ‌helpless‌ ‌about‌ ‌their‌ ‌lives.‌‌
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Healthy,‌ ‌esteem‌ ‌building‌ ‌actions‌ ‌bring‌ ‌a‌ ‌more‌ ‌positive‌ ‌outlook‌ ‌and‌ ‌usually‌ ‌a‌ ‌more‌ ‌sensible‌
selection‌‌of‌ ‌partners‌‌and‌‌friends.‌ ‌ ‌

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6.‌‌We‌‌have‌‌an‌‌overdeveloped‌‌sense‌‌of‌‌responsibility‌‌and‌‌it‌‌is‌‌easier‌‌for‌‌us‌‌to‌‌be‌‌
concerned‌ ‌with‌ ‌others‌ ‌rather‌ ‌than‌ ‌ourselves.‌ ‌This‌ ‌enables‌ ‌us‌ ‌not‌ ‌to‌ ‌look‌ ‌too‌‌
closely‌‌at‌‌our‌‌own‌‌faults.‌ ‌ ‌

When‌ ‌I‌ ‌take‌ ‌responsibility‌ ‌for‌ ‌others,‌ ‌I‌ ‌take‌ ‌the‌ ‌focus‌ ‌off‌‌myself.‌‌When‌‌I‌‌feel‌‌a‌‌compelling‌‌
sense‌ ‌of‌ ‌responsibility‌ ‌for‌ ‌another,‌ ‌I’m‌ ‌no‌ ‌longer‌ ‌concentrating‌ ‌on‌ ‌feeling‌ ‌my‌ ‌own‌ ‌feelings.‌‌This‌‌
behaviour‌‌enables‌‌me‌‌to‌‌feel‌‌needed,‌‌wanted,‌‌essential‌‌and‌‌important.‌‌I‌‌now‌‌have‌‌a‌‌special‌‌worth‌‌
or‌‌value.‌‌And‌‌when‌‌I‌‌feel‌‌needed‌‌or‌‌wanted,‌‌I‌‌feel‌‌full.‌‌As‌‌someone‌‌once‌‌remarked‌‌at‌‌a‌‌meeting,‌‌
“Somehow‌ ‌I‌ ‌managed‌ ‌to‌ ‌serve‌ ‌everyone‌ ‌well‌ ‌except‌ ‌myself.”‌ ‌Since‌ ‌many‌ ‌ACoA’s‌‌are‌‌driven‌‌by‌‌
external‌ ‌approval,‌ ‌taking‌ ‌responsibility‌ ‌for‌ ‌another‌ ‌is‌ ‌an‌ ‌attractive‌ ‌way‌ ‌to‌ ‌gain‌ ‌approval‌ ‌and‌‌
respect.‌ ‌ ‌

The‌ ‌problem‌ ‌with‌ ‌this‌ ‌is‌ ‌one‌ ‌of‌ ‌energy‌ ‌depletion.‌ ‌Each‌ ‌of‌ ‌us‌ ‌has‌ ‌just‌ ‌so‌ ‌much‌ ‌energy‌ ‌to‌‌
tackle‌‌life’s‌‌problems‌‌and‌‌resolve‌‌them.‌‌When‌‌we‌‌use‌‌much‌‌of‌‌our‌‌energy‌‌to‌‌assist‌‌others,‌‌we‌‌are‌‌
consistently‌‌robbing‌‌ourselves‌‌of‌‌opportunities‌‌to‌‌further‌‌our‌‌own‌‌well-being‌‌and‌‌self-esteem.‌‌Most‌‌
likely‌ ‌no‌ ‌one‌ ‌will‌ ‌be‌ ‌particularly‌ ‌attentive‌ ‌and‌ ‌praise‌ ‌each‌ ‌of‌ ‌our‌ ‌little‌ ‌but‌ ‌important‌ ‌personal‌‌
victories;‌‌helping‌‌another,‌‌however,‌‌can‌‌generate‌‌lots‌‌of‌‌attention,‌‌praise‌‌and‌‌gratitude.‌ ‌ ‌

This‌ ‌is‌ ‌not‌ ‌to‌ ‌say‌ ‌we‌ ‌shouldn’t‌ ‌be‌ ‌of‌ ‌assistance‌ ‌and‌ ‌support‌ ‌on‌ ‌occasion.‌ ‌But‌ ‌we‌ ‌should‌‌
keep‌‌clearly‌‌in‌‌mind‌‌that‌‌growth‌‌and‌‌change‌‌can‌‌only‌‌come‌‌from‌‌working‌‌on‌‌our‌‌own‌‌issues.‌‌This‌‌
needs‌ ‌to‌ ‌become‌ ‌a‌ ‌primary‌ ‌task.‌ ‌To‌ ‌continually‌ ‌rush‌ ‌off‌ ‌to‌ ‌help‌ ‌others‌ ‌is‌ ‌to‌ ‌rob‌ ‌ourselves‌ ‌of‌ ‌a‌‌
measured‌‌and‌‌perhaps‌‌accelerated‌‌recovery.‌ ‌ ‌

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7.‌‌We‌‌get‌‌guilt‌‌feelings‌‌when‌‌we‌‌stand‌‌up‌‌for‌‌ourselves‌‌instead‌‌of‌‌giving‌‌in‌‌to‌‌
others.‌‌ ‌

When‌‌I‌‌say‌‌“yes”‌‌to‌‌another‌‌person‌‌and‌‌“no”‌‌to‌‌myself,‌‌I‌‌feel‌‌at‌‌ease.‌‌But‌‌when‌‌I‌‌say‌‌“no”‌‌to‌‌
another‌ ‌and‌ ‌“yes”‌ ‌to‌ ‌me,‌ ‌I‌ ‌may‌ ‌become‌ ‌troubled‌ ‌by‌ ‌extreme‌ ‌feelings‌ ‌of‌ ‌guilt.‌ ‌This‌ ‌is‌ ‌not‌‌
uncommon‌‌among‌‌ACoA’s.‌ ‌ ‌

As‌ ‌a‌ ‌child‌ ‌I‌ ‌learned‌ ‌that‌ ‌my‌ ‌acceptance‌ ‌was‌ ‌conditional‌ ‌based‌ ‌upon‌‌my‌‌willingness‌‌to‌‌do‌‌
what‌ ‌my‌ ‌parents‌ ‌desired.‌ ‌To‌ ‌refuse‌ ‌them‌ ‌would‌ ‌bring‌ ‌harsh‌ ‌disapproval.‌ ‌My‌ ‌efforts‌ ‌to‌ ‌assert‌‌
myself‌‌were‌ ‌always‌‌met‌‌with‌‌great‌‌resistance;‌‌and‌‌I‌‌learned‌‌that‌‌my‌‌personal‌‌agenda,‌‌my‌‌needs,‌‌
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my‌‌desires,‌‌did‌ ‌not‌‌matter.‌‌My‌‌parents‌‌did‌‌not‌‌respect‌‌my‌‌individuality,‌‌only‌‌my‌‌compliance.‌‌Very‌‌
early‌‌in‌‌my‌‌life‌‌I‌ ‌found‌‌that‌‌I‌‌could‌‌be‌‌overwhelmed‌‌by‌‌guilt‌‌when‌‌I‌‌tried‌‌to‌‌assert‌‌myself.‌‌To‌‌hold‌‌
fast‌‌in‌‌my‌‌own‌ ‌best‌‌interests‌‌involved‌‌risking‌‌the‌‌anger,‌‌dissatisfaction‌‌and‌‌possible‌‌alienation‌‌of‌‌
others.‌ ‌I‌ ‌was‌ ‌never‌ ‌taught‌ ‌that‌ ‌independence‌ ‌and‌ ‌sovereignty‌ ‌were‌ ‌healthy.‌ ‌In‌ ‌my‌ ‌alcoholic‌‌
household‌ ‌the‌ ‌focus‌ ‌was‌ ‌always‌ ‌on‌ ‌the‌ ‌needs‌ ‌and‌ ‌desires‌ ‌of‌ ‌my‌ ‌alcoholic‌ ‌parents.‌‌In‌‌order‌‌to‌‌
reduce‌ ‌the‌‌possibility‌‌of‌ ‌anger‌‌or‌‌some‌‌kind‌‌of‌‌confrontation,‌‌I‌‌chose‌‌to‌‌suppress‌‌my‌‌needs‌‌and‌‌
always‌‌be‌‌available‌‌to‌‌them.‌‌ ‌

Even‌ ‌now,‌ ‌after‌ ‌many‌ ‌years‌ ‌of‌ ‌ACoA,‌ ‌I‌ ‌must‌ ‌sometimes‌ ‌be‌ ‌content‌ ‌with‌ ‌old‌‌guilt‌‌feelings‌‌
when‌ ‌I‌ ‌elect‌ ‌to‌ ‌do‌ ‌something‌ ‌I‌ ‌consider‌ ‌important‌‌to‌‌me‌‌rather‌‌than‌‌doing‌‌something‌‌my‌‌wife‌‌or‌‌
children‌‌want.‌‌The‌‌more‌‌central‌‌the‌‌person‌‌is‌‌to‌‌my‌‌life,‌‌the‌‌more‌‌apt‌‌I‌‌am‌‌to‌‌have‌‌some‌‌feelings‌‌
of‌‌guilt.‌ ‌ ‌

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8.‌‌We‌‌became‌‌addicted‌‌to‌‌excitement.‌‌ ‌

As‌ ‌a‌ ‌child‌ ‌growing‌ ‌up‌ ‌in‌ ‌an‌ ‌alcoholic‌ ‌household,‌ ‌I‌ ‌often‌ ‌found‌ ‌myself‌ ‌in‌ ‌the‌ ‌middle‌ ‌of‌ ‌a‌‌
turbulent‌ ‌family‌ ‌soap‌ ‌opera.‌ ‌It‌ ‌was‌ ‌a‌ ‌household‌ ‌filled‌ ‌with‌ ‌tension,‌ ‌hostility,‌ ‌rebellion,‌ ‌guilt‌ ‌and‌‌
shame.‌ ‌In‌ ‌some‌ ‌strange‌ ‌way‌ ‌it‌ ‌was‌ ‌both‌ ‌exciting‌ ‌and‌ ‌fearful,‌ ‌primarily‌ ‌because‌ ‌my‌ ‌parents’‌‌
actions‌ ‌were‌ ‌so‌ ‌unpredictable‌ ‌when‌ ‌they‌ ‌were‌ ‌drunk.‌ ‌As‌ ‌a‌ ‌result,‌ ‌I‌ ‌have‌‌a‌‌tendency‌‌to‌‌link‌‌fear‌‌
with‌‌excitement.‌ ‌ ‌

My‌ ‌usual‌ ‌reactions‌ ‌to‌ ‌the‌ ‌insanity‌ ‌in‌ ‌my‌ ‌household‌ ‌were‌ ‌vigilance‌ ‌followed‌ ‌by‌ ‌a‌ ‌rush‌ ‌of‌‌
excitement‌ ‌and‌ ‌fear.‌ ‌The‌ ‌fear‌ ‌became‌ ‌part‌ ‌of‌ ‌my‌ ‌identity.‌ ‌I‌ ‌became‌ ‌addicted‌ ‌to‌ ‌the‌ ‌rush‌ ‌of‌‌
adrenalin,‌‌the‌ ‌hyper-vigilance,‌‌the‌‌dread‌‌of‌‌a‌‌family‌‌scene‌‌going‌‌bad.‌ ‌ ‌

This‌ ‌combination‌ ‌of‌ ‌circumstances‌ ‌made‌ ‌me‌ ‌feel‌ ‌very‌ ‌alive‌ ‌and‌ ‌allowed‌ ‌me‌ ‌not‌ ‌to‌ ‌feel‌‌
abandoned.‌ ‌I‌ ‌felt‌ ‌that‌ ‌I‌ ‌was‌ ‌in‌ ‌the‌ ‌middle‌ ‌of,‌ ‌or‌ ‌part‌ ‌of,‌ ‌something‌ ‌very‌ ‌tense‌ ‌and‌ ‌vital.‌‌
Unfortunately,‌ ‌as‌ ‌a‌ ‌child‌ ‌I‌ ‌didn’t‌ ‌understand‌ ‌that‌ ‌I‌ ‌was‌ ‌really‌ ‌engulfed‌ ‌in‌ ‌an‌ ‌alcohol‌ ‌induced‌
emotional‌‌windstorm‌‌that‌‌was‌‌making‌‌me‌‌sick.‌ ‌ ‌

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9.‌‌We‌‌confuse‌‌love‌‌and‌‌pity‌‌and‌‌tend‌‌To‌‌“love”‌‌people‌‌we‌‌can‌‌pity‌‌and‌‌rescue.‌‌ ‌

Over‌ ‌the‌ ‌years‌ ‌I’ve‌ ‌noticed‌ ‌that‌ ‌some‌ ‌ACoA‌ ‌members‌ ‌have‌ ‌a‌ ‌certain‌ ‌way‌ ‌of‌ ‌looking‌ ‌and‌‌
carrying‌ ‌themselves‌ ‌that‌ ‌reminds‌ ‌me‌ ‌of‌ ‌my‌ ‌own‌ ‌“wounded‌ ‌and‌ ‌lost”‌ ‌look.‌ ‌For‌ ‌me‌ ‌it‌ ‌was‌ ‌a‌‌
manifestation‌ ‌of‌ ‌my‌ ‌state‌ ‌of‌ ‌internal‌ ‌confusion.‌ ‌The‌‌sick,‌‌abandoned‌‌child‌‌in‌‌me‌‌was‌‌crying‌‌out‌‌

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through‌ ‌my‌ ‌countenance‌ ‌and‌ ‌my‌ ‌posture.‌ ‌As‌ ‌an‌ ‌adult‌ ‌I‌ ‌tend‌ ‌to‌ ‌be‌ ‌attracted‌ ‌to‌ ‌the‌ ‌same‌‌
woundedness,‌‌the‌‌soul‌‌sadness,‌‌the‌‌deep‌‌confused‌‌sorrow‌‌in‌‌others‌‌that‌‌I‌‌felt‌‌about‌‌myself‌‌as‌‌a‌‌
child.‌‌I‌‌wanted‌‌to‌‌rescue‌ ‌these‌‌people.‌ ‌ ‌

As‌‌a‌‌child‌‌pity‌‌was‌‌the‌‌closest‌‌thing‌‌to‌‌affection‌‌that‌‌I‌‌was‌‌able‌‌to‌‌experience,‌‌so‌‌now‌‌I‌‌have‌‌
to‌‌watch‌‌that‌‌I‌‌don’t‌‌confuse‌‌the‌‌two.‌‌In‌‌ACoA‌‌I‌‌forced‌‌myself‌‌to‌‌confront‌‌and‌‌work‌‌through‌‌some‌ ‌
overwhelming‌ ‌feelings‌ ‌of‌ ‌self-pity.‌ ‌Eventually‌ ‌I‌‌had‌‌to‌‌wallow‌‌in‌‌them‌‌and‌‌re-experience‌‌much‌‌of‌‌
my‌ ‌childhood‌ ‌sorrow.‌ ‌I‌ ‌had‌ ‌to‌ ‌surrender‌ ‌to‌ ‌the‌ ‌realization‌ ‌that‌ ‌if‌ ‌I‌ ‌felt‌ ‌great‌ ‌pity‌ ‌or‌ ‌sorrow‌ ‌for‌ ‌a‌‌
person‌‌it‌‌didn’t‌‌mean‌‌that‌‌I‌‌had‌‌to‌‌rescue‌‌them.‌‌My‌‌love‌‌couldn’t‌‌make‌‌them‌‌whole,‌‌that‌‌was‌‌their‌‌
task.‌ ‌ ‌

My‌ ‌effort‌ ‌to‌ ‌rescue‌ ‌people‌ ‌was‌ ‌an‌ ‌attempt‌ ‌to‌ ‌make‌ ‌them‌ ‌feel‌ ‌whole‌ ‌and‌ ‌complete.‌ ‌If‌ ‌I‌‌
succeeded‌‌in‌‌“making”‌‌them‌‌feel‌‌good‌‌about‌‌themselves,‌‌then‌‌I‌‌could‌‌feel‌‌good‌‌about‌‌what‌‌I‌‌had‌‌
done.‌ ‌ ‌

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10.‌ ‌We‌ ‌have‌ ‌stuffed‌ ‌our‌ ‌feelings‌ ‌from‌ ‌our‌ ‌traumatic‌ ‌childhoods‌‌and‌‌have‌‌lost‌‌
the‌‌ability‌‌to‌‌feel‌‌or‌‌express‌‌our‌‌feelings‌‌because‌‌it‌‌hurts‌‌so‌‌much.‌‌(Denial)‌ ‌

Fairly‌‌early‌‌in‌‌my‌‌childhood‌‌my‌‌feelings‌‌became‌‌so‌‌raw,‌‌so‌‌painful,‌‌so‌‌intense‌‌that‌‌I‌‌began‌‌
to‌ ‌discount‌ ‌them‌ ‌and‌ ‌stuff‌ ‌them.‌‌In‌‌ACoA,‌‌I‌‌discovered‌‌that‌‌my‌‌deepest‌‌reactions‌‌to‌‌abuse‌‌and‌ ‌
abandonment,‌ ‌rejection‌ ‌and‌ ‌scorching‌ ‌ridicule,‌ ‌were‌ ‌carefully‌ ‌stuffed‌ ‌away‌ ‌in‌ ‌my‌ ‌subconscious.‌‌
As‌ ‌events‌ ‌in‌ ‌my‌ ‌home‌ ‌became‌ ‌more‌ ‌and‌ ‌more‌ ‌unbearable,‌ ‌I‌ ‌just‌ ‌buried‌ ‌the‌‌feelings‌‌that‌‌went‌‌
with‌ ‌the‌ ‌incidents.‌ ‌In‌ ‌doing‌ ‌so‌ ‌I‌ ‌managed‌ ‌to‌ ‌construct‌ ‌an‌ ‌almost‌ ‌impenetrable‌ ‌shell‌‌around‌‌my‌‌
early‌‌torment.‌ ‌I‌‌was‌‌unable‌‌to‌‌let‌‌all‌‌the‌‌early‌‌pain‌‌surface‌‌and‌‌be‌‌processed.‌‌It‌‌took‌‌a‌‌number‌‌of‌‌
years‌‌of‌‌ACoA‌ ‌recovery‌‌to‌‌break‌‌open‌‌that‌‌protective‌‌shell.‌ ‌ ‌

Most‌‌of‌‌my‌‌childhood‌‌feelings‌‌came‌‌to‌‌light‌‌through‌‌experiencing‌‌similar‌‌confrontations‌‌and‌ ‌
incidents‌‌during‌‌my‌‌early‌‌recovery‌‌days.‌‌As‌‌unsettling‌‌and‌‌awful‌‌to‌‌feel‌‌as‌‌these‌‌events‌‌were,‌‌they‌ ‌
were‌‌just‌‌what‌‌I‌‌needed‌‌to‌‌open‌‌myself‌‌up‌‌to‌‌long‌‌hidden‌‌feelings.‌ ‌ ‌

Even‌ ‌more‌ ‌damaging‌ ‌was‌ ‌my‌ ‌inability‌ ‌to‌ ‌recognize‌ ‌and‌ ‌know‌ ‌just‌ ‌what‌ ‌it‌ ‌was‌ ‌that‌ ‌I‌ ‌was‌‌
feeling‌ ‌at‌ ‌any‌ ‌given‌ ‌moment.‌ ‌Long‌ ‌ago‌ ‌I‌ ‌had‌ ‌ceased‌‌being‌‌a‌‌sensitive,‌‌aware‌‌and‌‌spontaneous‌‌
human‌ ‌being.‌ ‌I‌ ‌was‌ ‌sort‌ ‌of‌ ‌a‌ ‌mechanical‌ ‌individual‌ ‌with‌ ‌a‌ ‌very‌ ‌limited‌ ‌range‌ ‌of‌ ‌responses‌ ‌and‌‌
reactions‌ ‌that‌ ‌might‌ ‌almost‌ ‌pass‌ ‌as‌ ‌feelings,‌‌not‌‌a‌‌very‌‌healthy‌‌portrait.‌‌From‌‌what‌‌I‌‌understand‌‌
about‌‌human‌‌nature,‌‌a‌ ‌person‌‌who‌‌has‌‌lost‌‌the‌‌ability‌‌to‌‌identify‌‌and‌‌express‌‌his‌‌or‌‌her‌‌feelings‌‌is‌‌
pretty‌‌much‌‌buried‌‌alive‌‌in‌‌rigid‌‌inflexible‌‌behaviour‌‌and‌‌incapable‌‌of‌‌experiencing‌‌life‌‌in‌‌a‌‌full‌‌and‌‌
meaningful‌‌way.‌ ‌ ‌

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 ACoA‌ ‌meetings‌ ‌provide‌ ‌a‌ ‌safe‌ ‌and‌ ‌understanding‌ ‌environment‌ ‌where‌ ‌members‌ ‌can‌‌
explore,‌ ‌identify‌ ‌and‌ ‌express‌ ‌their‌ ‌innermost‌ ‌feelings‌ ‌without‌ ‌the‌ ‌judgment‌ ‌of‌ ‌others.‌ ‌Meetings‌‌
also‌‌provide‌‌a‌‌sense‌‌of‌‌belonging‌‌in‌‌which‌‌the‌‌vulnerable‌‌ACoA‌‌is‌‌accepted‌‌unconditionally.‌ ‌ ‌

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11.‌‌We‌‌judge‌‌ourselves‌‌harshly‌‌and‌‌have‌‌a‌‌very‌‌low‌‌sense‌‌of‌‌self-esteem.‌‌ ‌

Children‌‌who‌‌are‌‌subjected‌‌to‌‌constant‌‌criticism‌‌and‌‌told‌‌repeatedly‌‌that‌‌they‌‌are‌‌“less‌‌than”‌‌
are‌ ‌not‌ ‌able‌ ‌to‌ ‌develop‌ ‌healthy‌ ‌feelings‌ ‌about‌ ‌themselves.‌ ‌Our‌ ‌parents‌‌provide‌‌us‌‌with‌‌much‌‌of‌‌
the‌ ‌framework‌‌and‌‌structure‌‌of‌‌our‌‌early‌‌identity.‌‌On‌‌a‌‌daily‌‌basis‌‌as‌‌they‌‌define‌‌us‌‌as‌‌good,‌‌bad,‌ ‌
lovable,‌‌worthless,‌‌helpless‌‌or‌‌inadequate.‌‌Out‌‌of‌‌this‌‌daily‌‌litany‌‌children‌‌develop‌‌a‌‌sense‌‌of‌‌who‌ ‌
they‌‌are‌‌and‌‌the‌‌stuff‌‌they‌‌are‌‌made‌‌of.‌ ‌ ‌

In‌‌an‌‌alcoholic‌‌household‌‌the‌‌daily‌‌input‌‌is‌‌generally‌‌harsh,‌‌punishing‌‌and‌‌critical.‌‌Alcoholic‌‌
parents‌ ‌verbally‌ ‌abuse‌ ‌their‌ ‌children‌ ‌in‌ ‌a‌ ‌variety‌ ‌of‌ ‌ways;‌ ‌but‌ ‌the‌ ‌result‌‌is‌‌almost‌‌always‌‌a‌‌child‌‌
with‌ ‌a‌ ‌painfully‌ ‌low‌ ‌sense‌ ‌of‌ ‌self-esteem.‌ ‌Even‌ ‌the‌ ‌over-achieving‌ ‌hero‌ ‌children‌ ‌of‌ ‌an‌ ‌alcoholic‌‌
household‌ ‌harbour‌ ‌troublesome‌ ‌feelings‌ ‌of‌ ‌not‌ ‌being‌ ‌good‌ ‌enough.‌ ‌Indeed,‌ ‌their‌ ‌compliant‌‌
achievements‌ ‌and‌ ‌heroic‌ ‌efforts‌ ‌are‌ ‌usually‌ ‌an‌ ‌attempt‌ ‌to‌ ‌compensate‌ ‌for‌ ‌the‌‌harsh‌‌inner‌‌voice‌‌
that‌‌constantly‌ ‌challenges‌‌their‌‌adequacy‌‌and‌‌capability.‌ ‌ ‌

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12.‌ ‌We‌ ‌are‌‌dependent‌‌personalities‌‌who‌‌are‌‌terrified‌‌of‌‌abandonment‌‌and‌‌will‌‌

do‌ ‌anything‌ ‌to‌ ‌hold‌ ‌onto‌ ‌a‌ ‌relationship‌ ‌in‌ ‌order‌ ‌not‌ ‌to‌ ‌experience‌ ‌painful‌‌
abandonment‌‌feelings‌‌we‌‌received‌‌from‌‌living‌‌with‌‌sick‌‌people‌‌who‌‌were‌‌never‌‌
there‌‌emotionally‌‌for‌‌us.‌ ‌

Parents‌‌who‌‌drink‌‌until‌‌they‌‌are‌‌intoxicated‌‌are‌‌emotionally‌‌abandoning‌‌not‌‌only‌‌themselves‌‌
but‌ ‌also‌ ‌those‌ ‌close‌ ‌to‌ ‌them.‌ ‌Drunken‌ ‌parents‌ ‌are‌ ‌not‌ ‌rationally‌ ‌present‌ ‌for‌ ‌their‌ ‌own‌ ‌lives‌ ‌and‌‌
cannot‌‌be‌‌emotionally‌‌present‌‌for‌‌their‌‌children.‌ ‌ ‌

Many‌ ‌ACoA’s‌ ‌have‌ ‌shared‌ ‌that‌ ‌they‌ ‌would‌ ‌go‌ ‌to‌ ‌great‌ ‌lengths‌ ‌to‌‌avoid‌‌terrible‌‌feelings‌‌of‌‌
emptiness,‌ ‌loss‌ ‌and‌ ‌rejection‌ ‌that‌ ‌they‌ ‌experienced‌ ‌as‌ ‌children.‌ ‌This‌ ‌gnawing‌ ‌dread‌ ‌and‌‌
uncertainty‌ ‌usually‌ ‌got‌ ‌converted‌ ‌into‌ ‌self-doubt:‌ ‌“What’s‌ ‌wrong‌ ‌with‌ ‌me?”‌ ‌They‌ ‌felt‌ ‌that‌ ‌there‌‌
must‌‌have‌‌been‌‌something‌‌tragically‌‌wrong‌‌with‌‌them‌‌that‌‌caused‌‌their‌‌parents‌‌to‌‌abandon‌‌them.‌‌
I‌‌think‌‌that‌‌a‌‌child‌‌sees‌‌abandonment‌‌in‌‌many‌‌forms.‌‌I‌‌was‌‌two‌‌years‌‌old‌‌when‌‌my‌‌mother‌‌died.‌‌I‌‌
‌
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clearly‌ ‌felt‌ ‌that‌ ‌as‌ ‌abandonment.‌ ‌Every‌ ‌time‌ ‌that‌ ‌my‌ ‌father‌ ‌got‌ ‌into‌‌a‌‌drunken‌‌rage‌‌and‌‌berated‌‌
me,‌‌I‌‌sensed‌‌that‌‌he‌ ‌was‌‌abandoning‌‌me.‌‌All‌‌were‌‌“little‌‌murders”‌‌of‌‌my‌‌spirit.‌ ‌ ‌

For‌‌many‌‌years‌‌I‌‌had‌‌trouble‌‌being‌‌alone.‌‌If‌‌I‌‌was‌‌by‌‌myself‌‌with‌‌no‌‌excitement‌‌around‌‌me‌‌
and‌ ‌no‌ ‌people‌ ‌close‌ ‌by,‌ ‌I‌ ‌felt‌ ‌empty,‌ ‌abandoned‌ ‌and‌‌worthless.‌‌I‌‌needed‌‌constant‌‌attention‌‌and‌‌
praise.‌‌I‌‌could‌‌not‌‌validate‌‌myself.‌‌I‌‌lived‌‌for‌‌the‌‌acceptance‌‌and‌‌attention‌‌of‌‌others‌‌because‌‌I‌‌felt‌‌
that‌ ‌only‌ ‌they‌ ‌could‌‌reward‌‌me‌‌and‌‌fill‌‌the‌‌hollow,‌‌empty‌‌yearning.‌‌I‌‌did‌‌everything‌‌imaginable‌‌to‌‌
shut‌‌out‌‌the‌‌feelings‌‌of‌‌emptiness.‌‌I‌‌constantly‌‌used‌‌people,‌‌places‌‌and‌‌things‌‌to‌‌distract‌‌me.‌‌My‌‌
public‌‌behaviour‌‌was‌‌mostly‌‌a‌‌desperate‌‌effort‌‌to‌‌conceal‌‌my‌‌inner‌‌poverty.‌ ‌ ‌

I‌‌was‌‌terrified‌‌of‌‌being‌‌rejected‌‌in‌‌romance.‌‌At‌‌the‌‌slightest‌‌hint‌‌of‌‌rejections,‌‌I‌‌would‌‌run.‌‌I‌‌
was‌‌blind‌‌to‌‌my‌‌dependency.‌‌I‌‌desperately‌‌tried‌‌to‌‌control‌‌people‌‌and‌‌situations‌‌so‌‌that‌‌I‌‌wouldn’t‌‌
feel‌ ‌abandoned.‌ ‌Even‌ ‌now,‌ ‌when‌ ‌someone‌ ‌close‌ ‌leaves‌ ‌me‌ ‌for‌‌a‌‌perfectly‌‌innocent‌‌reason‌‌that‌‌
has‌ ‌nothing‌‌to‌‌do‌‌with‌‌me,‌‌I‌‌still‌‌feel‌‌tremors‌‌of‌‌the‌‌old‌‌terror.‌ ‌ ‌

Of‌‌all‌‌the‌‌issues‌‌that‌‌ACoA’s‌‌must‌‌contend‌‌with‌‌in‌‌their‌‌recovery,‌‌the‌‌terror‌‌of‌‌abandonment‌‌
and‌‌the‌‌awful‌‌feelings‌‌of‌‌emptiness‌‌are‌‌the‌‌greatest‌‌challenges.‌‌For‌‌some‌‌it’s‌‌almost‌‌pure‌‌torture‌‌
to‌ ‌have‌ ‌to‌‌endure,‌‌alone,‌‌the‌‌painful‌‌feelings‌‌of‌‌rejection,‌‌loss‌‌or‌‌isolation.‌‌Unfortunately,‌‌there‌‌is‌‌
no‌‌simple‌‌remedy.‌‌Sometimes‌‌we‌‌have‌‌to‌‌accept‌‌the‌‌solitude,‌‌the‌‌apparent‌‌void,‌‌and‌‌slowly‌‌come‌‌
to‌ ‌understand‌ ‌that‌ ‌we‌ ‌are‌ ‌not‌ ‌empty‌ ‌or‌ ‌unlovable.‌ ‌We‌ ‌will‌ ‌survive‌ ‌and‌ ‌can‌ ‌have‌ ‌a‌ ‌happy‌ ‌and‌‌
joyous‌‌life‌‌without‌‌being‌‌overly‌‌dependent‌‌or‌‌clinging.‌ ‌ ‌

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13.‌‌Alcoholism‌‌is‌‌a‌‌family‌‌disease.‌‌We‌‌became‌‌para-alcoholics‌‌and‌‌took‌‌on‌‌the‌‌
characteristics‌‌of‌‌that‌‌disease‌‌even‌‌though‌‌we‌‌did‌‌not‌‌pick‌‌up‌‌the‌‌drink.‌‌ ‌

When‌ ‌any‌ ‌member‌ ‌of‌ ‌a‌ ‌family‌ ‌is‌ ‌suffering‌ ‌with‌ ‌alcohol‌ ‌addiction,‌ ‌all‌ ‌who‌ ‌live‌ ‌in‌ ‌the‌‌
household‌ ‌are‌‌affected‌‌and‌‌become‌‌ill.‌‌In‌‌some‌‌families‌‌the‌‌desperation‌‌and‌‌emotional‌‌turmoil‌‌is‌‌
ever‌‌present,‌‌while‌‌in‌‌other‌‌homes‌‌the‌‌entire‌‌family‌‌may‌‌go‌‌to‌‌incredible‌‌lengths‌‌to‌‌put‌‌on‌‌a‌‌show‌‌
of‌‌normalcy.‌ ‌ ‌

Regardless‌‌of‌‌the‌‌family‌‌posture,‌‌however,‌‌the‌‌disease‌‌of‌‌alcoholism‌‌affects‌‌everyone.‌‌The‌‌
children‌ ‌suffer‌ ‌stress‌ ‌in‌ ‌countless‌ ‌ways.‌ ‌Eventually‌ ‌the‌ ‌overwhelming‌ ‌pressures‌ ‌in‌ ‌the‌ ‌alcoholic‌‌
family‌‌lead‌‌to‌ ‌emotional‌‌disturbances,‌‌many‌‌of‌‌which‌‌have‌‌been‌‌described‌‌in‌‌this‌‌chapter.‌ ‌ ‌

Appearances‌‌aside,‌‌all‌‌of‌‌the‌‌children‌‌in‌‌an‌‌alcoholic‌‌household‌‌become‌‌wounded‌‌and‌‌most‌‌
of‌ ‌them‌ ‌carry‌ ‌those‌ ‌unhealed‌ ‌wounds‌ ‌into‌ ‌adulthood,‌ ‌where‌ ‌they‌ ‌tend‌ ‌to‌ ‌cause‌ ‌considerable‌‌
distress‌‌in‌‌the‌ ‌work,‌‌home‌‌and‌‌social‌‌environment.‌‌No‌‌child‌‌escapes‌‌unscathed,‌‌though‌‌many‌‌are‌‌
under‌ ‌the‌ ‌false‌‌impression‌‌that‌‌they‌‌have.‌‌It‌‌is‌‌most‌‌sad‌‌that‌‌so‌‌many‌‌ACoA’s‌‌truly‌‌feel‌‌that‌‌they‌‌
survived‌‌their‌ ‌childhood‌‌with‌‌only‌‌minor‌‌scratches‌‌and‌‌bruises.‌ ‌ ‌

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 Para-alcoholism‌ ‌is‌ ‌the‌ ‌transmission‌ ‌of‌ ‌emotional‌ ‌aspects‌ ‌of‌ ‌the‌ ‌disease‌ ‌from‌ ‌parents‌ ‌to‌‌
children.‌‌Children‌‌who‌‌are‌‌exposed‌‌to‌‌the‌‌illness‌‌eventually‌‌take‌‌on‌‌many‌‌of‌‌the‌‌characteristics‌‌of‌‌
the‌‌illness.‌‌It’s‌‌a‌‌fact‌‌of‌‌life‌‌that‌‌many‌‌ACoA’s‌‌resist‌‌before‌‌recovery.‌ ‌ ‌

Please‌‌circle‌‌your‌‌score‌‌here:‌ ‌1
‌ ‌‌–‌‌2‌‌–‌‌3‌‌–‌‌4‌‌–‌‌5‌‌–‌‌6‌‌–‌‌7‌‌–‌‌8‌‌–‌‌9‌‌–‌‌10‌‌ ‌

14.‌‌Para-alcoholics‌‌are‌‌reactors‌‌rather‌‌than‌‌actors.‌‌ ‌

On‌ ‌the‌ ‌stage‌ ‌of‌ ‌life,‌ ‌the‌ ‌para-alcoholic‌ ‌waits‌ ‌for‌ ‌the‌ ‌signals‌ ‌and‌ ‌directions‌ ‌of‌ ‌others.‌ ‌The‌‌
para-‌ ‌alcoholic‌ ‌is‌ ‌generally‌ ‌another-directed‌ ‌individual‌ ‌who‌ ‌tries‌ ‌to‌ ‌determine‌ ‌an‌ ‌acceptable‌‌
course‌‌of‌ ‌action‌‌based‌‌upon‌‌his‌‌or‌‌her‌‌perception‌‌of‌‌what‌‌will‌‌please‌‌and‌‌satisfy‌‌others.‌ ‌ ‌

The‌ ‌ACoA‌ ‌is‌ ‌often‌ ‌described‌ ‌as‌ ‌an‌ ‌adaptive‌ ‌individual‌ ‌with‌ ‌a‌ ‌very‌ ‌vague‌ ‌central‌ ‌self.‌ ‌All‌‌
through‌ ‌childhood‌‌the‌‌ACoA‌‌was‌‌forced‌‌to‌‌adapt,‌‌adjust‌‌and‌‌respond‌‌to‌‌the‌‌needs‌‌and‌‌demands‌‌
of‌ ‌drunken‌ ‌and‌ ‌often‌ ‌abusive‌‌parents.‌‌This‌‌child‌‌learns‌‌to‌‌react‌‌almost‌‌automatically,‌‌usually‌‌out‌‌
of‌‌fear‌‌or‌ ‌need.‌‌And‌‌it‌‌is‌‌this‌‌response‌‌pattern,‌‌often‌‌driven‌‌by‌‌dependency‌‌and‌‌low‌‌self-esteem,‌‌
that‌‌ACoA’s‌ ‌carry‌‌into‌‌their‌‌adult‌‌world.‌ ‌ ‌

In‌ ‌the‌ ‌recovery‌ ‌process‌ ‌ACoA’s‌ ‌need‌ ‌to‌ ‌learn‌ ‌to‌ ‌process‌ ‌uncomfortable‌ ‌feelings‌ ‌and‌‌
demands‌ ‌without‌‌reacting‌‌automatically.‌‌What‌‌helped‌‌me‌‌with‌‌this‌‌issue‌‌was‌‌the‌‌technique‌‌of‌‌not‌‌
responding‌ ‌immediately-no‌ ‌quick‌‌reply,‌‌no‌‌jumping‌‌into‌‌action.‌‌I‌‌forced‌‌myself‌‌to‌‌stop‌‌and‌‌think,‌‌
which‌‌also‌ ‌gave‌‌me‌‌time‌‌to‌‌process‌‌the‌‌disturbing‌‌feelings‌‌that‌‌were‌‌bouncing‌‌around‌‌inside‌‌me.‌‌
Instead‌‌of‌ ‌reacting‌‌I‌‌learned‌‌to‌‌temporize,‌‌to‌‌tell‌‌people‌‌that‌‌I‌‌wanted‌‌to‌‌think‌‌about‌‌it‌‌first.‌ ‌ ‌

Initially‌‌I‌‌was‌‌amazed‌‌at‌‌how‌‌people‌‌respected‌‌my‌‌request‌‌for‌‌time‌‌or‌‌my‌‌inaction.‌‌I‌‌learned‌‌
that‌‌as‌ ‌an‌‌ACoA‌‌I‌‌had‌‌been‌‌programmed‌‌to‌‌respond‌‌in‌‌an‌‌unhealthy‌‌way‌‌to‌‌both‌‌sick‌‌and‌‌healthy‌‌
situations.‌ ‌Now‌ ‌I‌ ‌usually‌ ‌take‌ ‌charge‌ ‌of‌ ‌my‌ ‌responses,‌ ‌and‌ ‌they‌ ‌are‌ ‌almost‌‌always‌‌guided‌‌by‌‌a‌‌
healthy‌‌respect‌‌for‌‌what‌‌is‌‌appropriate‌‌and‌‌in‌‌“my”‌‌best‌‌interests.‌‌Most‌‌of‌‌the‌‌time‌‌I‌‌have‌‌stopped‌‌
looking‌‌for‌ ‌validation‌‌and‌‌approval‌‌from‌‌others.‌ ‌ ‌

Please‌‌circle‌‌your‌‌score‌‌here:‌ ‌1
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Additional‌‌Reading:‌‌Big‌‌Red‌‌Book‌‌–‌‌The‌‌Laundry‌‌List‌‌–‌‌The‌‌Problem‌‌[Chapter‌‌1,‌‌page‌‌3]‌ ‌ ‌

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Step‌‌1‌
‌

We‌‌admitted‌‌that‌‌we‌‌were‌‌powerless‌‌over‌‌the‌‌effects‌‌of‌‌living‌‌with‌ ‌alcoholism‌‌
and‌‌that‌‌our‌‌lives‌‌had‌‌become‌‌unmanageable.‌ ‌ ‌

When‌‌we‌‌lived‌‌with‌‌our‌‌sick‌‌family,‌‌we‌‌had‌‌no‌‌way‌‌of‌‌avoiding‌‌the‌‌destructive‌‌forces‌‌of‌‌the‌‌
illness.‌ ‌We‌ ‌were‌ ‌deeply‌ ‌affected‌ ‌by‌ ‌their‌ ‌insanity‌ ‌and‌ ‌sick‌ ‌behaviour.‌ ‌Much‌ ‌of‌ ‌what‌ ‌we‌ ‌were‌‌
taught‌‌as‌‌children‌‌now‌‌makes‌‌our‌‌lives‌‌unmanageable.‌‌We‌‌have‌‌taken‌‌on‌‌many‌‌of‌‌the‌‌destructive‌ ‌
characteristics‌ ‌of‌ ‌the‌ ‌disease.‌ ‌We‌ ‌need‌ ‌to‌ ‌acknowledge‌ ‌that‌ ‌this‌ ‌is‌ ‌so‌ ‌and‌ ‌be‌ ‌willing‌ ‌to‌ ‌commit‌ ‌
ourselves‌‌to‌‌a‌‌recovery‌‌programme.‌ ‌ ‌

From‌ ‌the‌ ‌“laundry‌ ‌list‌ ‌traits''‌ ‌described‌ ‌above,‌ ‌the‌ ‌effects‌ ‌of‌ ‌living‌ ‌with‌ ‌this‌ ‌dysfunction,‌ ‌I‌‌
choose‌‌3‌‌traits‌‌that‌‌stand‌‌out‌‌in‌‌my‌‌life‌‌today‌‌and‌‌explain‌‌how‌‌these‌‌make‌‌my‌‌life‌‌unmanageable.‌‌
Some‌‌of‌‌these‌‌effects‌‌can‌‌be‌‌Complex‌‌PTSD,‌‌PTSD,‌‌frozen‌‌feelings,‌‌anger,‌‌guilt,‌‌shame‌‌and‌‌fear.‌‌
(Be‌‌as‌‌descriptive‌‌as‌‌you‌‌can,‌‌even‌‌down‌‌to‌‌the‌‌physical‌‌sensations‌‌you‌‌experience‌‌in‌‌the‌‌body.)‌ ‌ ‌

1.‌ ‌ ‌

‌‌

2.‌ ‌

3.‌ ‌ ‌

‌‌

1.‌‌Is‌‌there‌‌any‌‌other‌‌part‌‌of‌‌my‌‌life‌‌that‌‌is‌‌currently‌‌unmanageable?‌‌Be‌‌specific.‌ ‌

‌
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2.‌‌What‌‌might‌‌recovery‌‌from‌‌this‌‌unmanageability‌‌look‌‌like?‌‌Be‌‌specific.‌ ‌

3.‌‌Can‌‌I‌‌become‌‌willing‌‌to‌‌commit‌‌myself‌‌to‌‌recovery‌‌from‌‌this‌‌unmanageable‌‌part‌‌of‌‌my‌‌life?‌‌Be‌‌
specific.‌ ‌

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Reading‌‌2‌‌-‌‌How‌‌It‌‌All‌‌Began‌
‌

In‌ ‌New‌ ‌York‌ ‌City,‌‌in‌‌1977,‌‌a‌‌small‌‌group‌‌of‌‌young‌‌people‌‌in‌‌their‌‌late‌‌teens‌‌began‌‌to‌‌grow‌‌

dissatisfied‌‌with‌‌their‌‌experiences‌‌in‌‌Al-Anon‌‌and‌‌Alateen.‌‌These‌‌groups‌‌just‌‌weren't‌‌meeting‌‌their‌‌
needs‌ ‌as‌ ‌children‌‌of‌‌alcoholics.‌‌Out‌‌of‌‌frustration‌‌they‌‌decided‌‌to‌‌form‌‌their‌‌own‌‌special-purpose‌‌
self-help‌‌recovery‌‌group.‌‌This‌‌was‌‌the‌‌first‌‌step‌‌toward‌‌what‌‌would‌‌one‌‌day‌‌become‌‌a‌‌worldwide‌‌
organization‌ ‌called‌‌Adult‌‌Children‌‌of‌‌Alcoholics‌‌-‌‌or‌‌ACoA.‌‌All‌‌these‌‌young‌‌people‌‌were‌‌products‌‌
of‌‌alcoholic‌‌households.‌‌In‌‌sharing‌‌their‌‌stories‌‌with‌‌one‌‌another,‌‌they‌‌discovered‌‌that‌‌they‌‌found‌‌
it‌ ‌very‌ ‌difficult‌ ‌to‌ ‌relate‌ ‌to,‌ ‌or‌ ‌identify‌ ‌with,‌ ‌the‌ ‌adult‌ ‌members‌ ‌of‌ ‌Al-Anon,‌ ‌most‌ ‌of‌ ‌whom‌ ‌were‌‌
spouses‌‌of‌‌alcoholics.‌‌To‌‌these‌‌young‌‌people‌‌the‌‌older‌‌Al-Anon‌‌members‌‌represented‌‌one‌‌of‌‌their‌‌
own‌ ‌family‌ ‌members‌ ‌with‌ ‌whom‌ ‌they‌ ‌struggled‌ ‌on‌ ‌a‌ ‌daily‌ ‌basis,‌ ‌the‌ ‌co-alcoholic‌ ‌(or‌‌
co-dependent)‌‌parent‌‌who‌ ‌takes‌‌on‌‌many‌‌of‌‌the‌‌characteristics‌‌of‌‌the‌‌alcoholic‌‌in‌‌the‌‌family.‌ ‌ ‌

These‌ ‌young‌ ‌people‌ ‌recognized‌ ‌that‌ ‌they‌ ‌had‌ ‌many‌ ‌unhealthy‌ ‌survival‌ ‌techniques‌ ‌in‌‌
common‌‌and‌‌reasoned‌‌that‌‌their‌‌recovery‌‌needs‌‌could‌‌best‌‌be‌‌served‌‌by‌‌forming‌‌a‌‌special‌‌group‌‌
that‌‌was‌‌not‌ ‌dominated‌‌by‌‌parental‌‌figures.‌‌They‌‌all‌‌agreed‌‌that‌‌such‌‌a‌‌distancing‌‌process‌‌would‌‌
be‌‌essential‌‌to‌ ‌their‌‌recovery‌‌efforts.‌‌For‌‌their‌‌first‌‌meeting‌‌they‌‌found‌‌a‌‌small‌‌conference‌‌room‌‌at‌‌
the‌‌Brinkley‌ ‌Smithers‌‌Foundation‌‌headquarters,‌‌adjacent‌‌to‌‌Roosevelt‌‌Hospital‌‌in‌‌New‌‌York‌‌City.‌‌
Though‌ ‌the‌ ‌group‌ ‌was‌ ‌developing‌ ‌a‌ ‌different‌ ‌stance‌ ‌concerning‌ ‌the‌ ‌nature‌ ‌of‌ ‌their‌ ‌alcoholic‌‌
family‌ ‌problem‌ ‌and‌ ‌the‌ ‌recovery‌ ‌approach,‌ ‌they‌ ‌felt‌ ‌that‌ ‌some‌ ‌form‌ ‌of‌ ‌linkage‌ ‌with‌ ‌a‌ ‌national‌‌
self-help‌‌organization‌ ‌would‌‌be‌‌beneficial.‌‌So,‌‌to‌‌attract‌‌additional‌‌members,‌‌they‌‌registered‌‌with‌‌
Al-Anon‌‌as‌‌the‌‌Hope‌ ‌for‌‌Adult‌‌Children‌‌of‌‌Alcoholics‌‌group.‌‌Shortly‌‌after‌‌the‌‌group‌‌started,‌‌one‌‌of‌‌
its‌‌members,‌‌Cindy,‌ ‌heard‌‌me‌‌share‌‌at‌‌an‌‌Al-Anon‌‌meeting.‌‌In‌‌my‌‌sharing‌‌I‌‌mentioned‌‌that‌‌I‌‌had‌‌
grown‌ ‌up‌ ‌in‌ ‌a‌ ‌household‌ ‌with‌ ‌two‌ ‌alcoholic‌ ‌parents.‌ ‌Much‌ ‌of‌ ‌what‌ ‌I‌ ‌discussed‌ ‌focused‌ ‌on‌ ‌the‌‌
destructive‌‌attitudes‌‌and‌‌behaviour‌‌that‌‌I‌‌had‌‌learned‌‌in‌‌my‌‌alcoholic‌‌family.‌ ‌ ‌

At‌‌the‌‌close‌‌of‌‌the‌‌meeting,‌‌and‌‌despite‌‌the‌‌fact‌‌that‌‌I‌‌was‌‌almost‌‌30‌‌years‌‌older‌‌than‌‌their‌‌
oldest‌‌member,‌‌Cindy‌‌invited‌‌me‌‌to‌‌come‌‌and‌‌share‌‌with‌‌the‌‌new‌‌ACoA‌‌group.‌‌A‌‌few‌‌days‌‌later‌‌I‌‌
attended‌‌their‌‌meeting‌‌and‌‌shared‌‌my‌‌story.‌‌I‌‌talked‌‌primarily‌‌about‌‌what‌‌it‌‌had‌‌been‌‌like‌‌for‌‌me‌‌to‌‌
grow‌‌up‌‌in‌‌an‌‌insane‌‌household‌‌where‌‌alcoholism‌‌was‌‌king.‌‌I‌‌told‌‌them‌‌about‌‌how‌‌I‌‌thought‌‌I‌‌had‌‌
developed‌ ‌many‌‌of‌‌my‌‌inappropriate‌‌and‌‌harmful‌‌behaviour‌‌patterns‌‌to‌‌protect‌‌myself‌‌as‌‌a‌‌child.‌‌
In‌‌recent‌ ‌years‌‌I‌‌had‌‌pretty‌‌carefully‌‌explored‌‌some‌‌of‌‌the‌‌crazy‌‌behaviour‌‌of‌‌my‌‌alcoholic‌‌family,‌‌
and‌ ‌I‌ ‌was‌ ‌quite‌‌vocal‌‌in‌‌my‌‌belief‌‌that‌‌most‌‌of‌‌my‌‌present-day‌‌problems‌‌could‌‌be‌‌traced‌‌back‌‌to‌‌
the‌ ‌family‌ ‌chaos‌ ‌of‌ ‌my‌ ‌childhood‌ ‌years.‌ ‌I‌ ‌was‌ ‌able‌ ‌to‌ ‌describe‌ ‌in‌ ‌detail‌ ‌some‌ ‌of‌ ‌the‌ ‌damaging‌‌
personality‌‌traits‌ ‌that‌‌had‌‌run‌‌my‌‌life‌‌for‌‌so‌‌many‌‌years.‌ ‌ ‌

When‌ ‌the‌ ‌other‌ ‌members‌ ‌of‌ ‌this‌ ‌fledgling‌ ‌group‌ ‌began‌ ‌to‌ ‌share‌ ‌their‌ ‌painful‌ ‌experiences‌‌
and‌‌family‌‌secrets,‌‌I‌‌felt‌‌very‌‌much‌‌at‌‌home.‌‌A‌‌whole‌‌new‌‌dimension‌‌of‌‌recovery‌‌was‌‌opening‌‌up‌‌
to‌‌me,‌‌and‌‌I‌‌promptly‌‌joined‌‌the‌‌group.‌‌When‌‌I‌‌think‌‌back‌‌to‌‌those‌‌early‌‌beginnings,‌‌it‌‌strikes‌‌me‌‌
that‌ ‌I‌ ‌was‌ ‌in‌ ‌a‌ ‌very‌ ‌vulnerable‌ ‌position.‌ ‌While‌ ‌these‌ ‌young‌ ‌people‌ ‌readily‌ ‌warmed‌ ‌to‌ ‌my‌ ‌ACoA‌‌
personality,‌ ‌a‌ ‌few‌ ‌of‌ ‌them,‌ ‌who‌ ‌had‌ ‌alcoholic‌ ‌fathers,‌ ‌were‌ ‌somewhat‌ ‌apprehensive‌ ‌about‌ ‌me‌‌
because‌‌of‌‌my‌‌own‌‌difficulties‌‌with‌‌alcohol.‌‌Since‌‌my‌‌pain‌‌and‌‌anguish‌‌were‌‌as‌‌genuine‌‌as‌‌theirs,‌‌
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however,‌ ‌most‌ ‌chose‌ ‌to‌ ‌accept‌ ‌me.‌ ‌Nonetheless‌ ‌I‌ ‌did‌ ‌feel‌ ‌their‌ ‌uncertainty‌ ‌and‌ ‌reluctantly‌ ‌saw‌‌
that‌‌for‌‌some‌‌I‌‌represented‌‌an‌‌authoritarian‌‌parent.‌ ‌ ‌

In‌‌the‌‌Beginning‌ ‌ ‌

In‌‌the‌‌early‌‌days‌‌of‌‌ACoA,‌‌we‌‌were‌‌grappling‌‌with‌‌the‌‌following‌‌issues:‌ ‌ ‌

1. We‌‌were‌‌not‌‌at‌‌all‌‌sure‌‌just‌‌what‌‌it‌‌was‌‌we‌‌wanted‌‌to‌‌accomplish‌‌or‌‌how‌‌to‌‌go‌‌about‌‌it.‌ ‌ ‌

2. We‌‌were‌‌very‌‌small;‌‌the‌‌first‌‌group‌‌formed‌‌had‌‌only‌‌five‌‌or‌‌six‌‌members.‌ ‌ ‌

3. Our‌ ‌primary‌ ‌aim‌ ‌was‌ ‌to‌ ‌gain‌ ‌some‌ ‌measure‌‌of‌‌relief‌‌from‌‌current‌‌emotional‌‌problems‌‌that‌‌

we‌‌felt‌‌were‌‌largely‌‌attributable‌‌to‌‌being‌‌brought‌‌up‌‌in‌‌an‌‌alcoholic‌‌home.‌ ‌ ‌

4. The‌ ‌members‌ ‌of‌ ‌the‌ ‌group‌ ‌found‌ ‌it‌ ‌very‌ ‌difficult‌ ‌to‌ ‌trust‌ ‌and‌ ‌relate‌ ‌to‌ ‌authority‌ ‌figures‌ ‌or‌ ‌
those‌‌we‌‌perceived‌‌to‌‌be‌‌professionals‌‌or‌‌experts‌‌in‌‌the‌‌field‌‌of‌‌human‌‌behaviour.‌‌At‌‌some‌ ‌
deep‌‌level‌‌we‌‌knew‌‌we‌‌had‌‌to‌‌be‌‌responsible‌‌for‌‌our‌‌own‌‌growth‌‌and‌‌recovery.‌ ‌ ‌

5. All‌ ‌of‌ ‌us‌ ‌strongly‌ ‌believed‌ ‌that‌ ‌we‌ ‌needed‌ ‌a‌ ‌special‌ ‌and‌ ‌protected‌ ‌forum‌ ‌where‌ ‌we‌‌could‌ ‌
safely‌ ‌share‌ ‌and‌ ‌experience‌ ‌our‌ ‌often-overwhelming‌ ‌feelings‌ ‌of‌ ‌rage,‌ ‌self-pity,‌ ‌fear‌ ‌and‌ ‌
grief.‌ ‌ ‌

6. The‌‌format‌‌of‌‌our‌‌meeting‌‌borrowed‌‌heavily‌‌from‌‌the‌‌recovery‌‌process‌‌and‌‌approach‌‌taken‌ ‌
by‌ ‌other‌ ‌self-help‌ ‌programmes,‌ ‌such‌ ‌as‌ ‌Alcoholics‌ ‌Anonymous‌ ‌and‌ ‌Al-Anon.‌ ‌Many‌ ‌early‌‌
ACoA‌‌members‌‌had‌‌prior‌‌involvement‌‌with‌‌these‌‌programmes.‌ ‌ ‌

7. The‌ ‌format‌ ‌in‌ ‌those‌ ‌early‌ ‌meetings‌ ‌was‌ ‌pretty‌ ‌experimental.‌ ‌Usually‌ ‌a‌ ‌member‌ ‌would‌ ‌be‌ ‌
asked‌‌to‌‌share‌‌his‌‌or‌‌her‌‌alcoholic‌‌upbringing‌‌story‌‌with‌‌the‌‌group.‌‌There‌‌was‌‌so‌‌much‌‌hurt‌ ‌
and‌ ‌pain‌ ‌in‌ ‌those‌‌early‌‌stories‌‌that‌‌everyone‌‌would‌‌get‌‌upset,‌‌cry‌‌or‌‌feel‌‌terribly‌‌unsettled.‌ ‌
We‌‌finally‌‌voted‌‌not‌‌to‌‌have‌‌the‌‌leader‌‌describe‌‌in‌‌detail‌‌the‌‌family‌‌saga‌‌but‌‌just‌‌to‌‌discuss‌ ‌
what‌‌happened‌‌during‌‌the‌‌past‌‌week,‌‌within‌‌the‌‌context‌‌of‌‌the‌‌problems‌‌that‌‌seemed‌‌most‌ ‌
troubling.‌ ‌ ‌

No‌ ‌matter‌ ‌how‌ ‌we‌ ‌tried‌ ‌to‌ ‌limit‌ ‌or‌ ‌guide‌ ‌the‌ ‌group‌ ‌input,‌ ‌however,‌ ‌the‌ ‌anguish‌ ‌and‌ ‌rage‌‌
inevitably‌ ‌emerged.‌ ‌Without‌ ‌understanding‌ ‌the‌ ‌process‌ ‌very‌ ‌well,‌ ‌we‌ ‌had‌ ‌begun‌ ‌opening‌‌
ourselves‌ ‌up.‌ ‌Unfortunately,‌ ‌we‌ ‌did‌ ‌not‌ ‌know‌ ‌what‌ ‌to‌ ‌do‌ ‌with‌ ‌all‌ ‌these‌ ‌raw‌ ‌feelings,‌ ‌and‌ ‌at‌ ‌the‌‌
conclusion‌ ‌of‌ ‌each‌ ‌meeting‌ ‌most‌ ‌of‌ ‌us‌ ‌had‌ ‌to‌ ‌make‌ ‌a‌ ‌special‌ ‌effort‌ ‌to‌ ‌shut‌ ‌down‌ ‌our‌ ‌feelings.‌‌
During‌‌the‌‌meeting‌‌we‌‌had‌‌experienced‌‌a‌‌safe,‌‌understanding‌‌environment.‌‌For‌‌one‌‌or‌‌two‌‌hours‌‌
we‌‌had‌‌been‌‌able‌‌to‌‌talk‌‌openly‌‌about‌‌some‌‌common‌‌issues,‌‌unload‌‌feelings‌‌of‌‌rage‌‌and‌‌betrayal‌‌
and‌‌receive‌‌loving,‌ ‌accepting‌‌support‌‌from‌‌fellow‌‌members.‌‌It‌‌was‌‌hard‌‌to‌‌return‌‌to‌‌a‌‌normal‌‌level‌‌
of‌‌interaction.‌‌ ‌

‌
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 Group‌ ‌attendance‌ ‌suffered‌ ‌mightily‌ ‌from‌ ‌this‌ ‌excess‌ ‌of‌ ‌strong‌ ‌feelings.‌ ‌Many‌ ‌found‌ ‌the‌‌
sharing‌ ‌too‌‌intense‌‌and‌‌intrusive‌‌and‌‌some‌‌of‌‌the‌‌group‌‌members‌‌felt‌‌too‌‌threatened‌‌to‌‌continue‌‌
attending.‌‌We‌ ‌began‌‌to‌‌flounder‌‌in‌‌our‌‌attempt‌‌to‌‌seek‌‌direction‌‌and‌‌purpose.‌ ‌ ‌

Within‌ ‌a‌ ‌few‌ ‌months‌ ‌the‌ ‌group‌ ‌had‌ ‌dwindled‌ ‌to‌ ‌just‌ ‌three‌ ‌members,‌ ‌and‌ ‌we‌ ‌were‌ ‌so‌‌
discouraged,‌‌we‌‌wanted‌‌to‌‌give‌‌up.‌‌But‌‌I‌‌asked‌‌that‌‌we‌‌give‌‌it‌‌one‌‌more‌‌chance.‌‌I‌‌suggested‌‌we‌‌
continue‌‌for‌‌at‌‌least‌‌one‌‌more‌‌week,‌‌during‌‌which‌‌I‌‌would‌‌make‌‌an‌‌effort‌‌to‌‌enlist‌‌people‌‌whom‌‌I‌‌
knew‌ ‌had‌ ‌been‌ ‌brought‌ ‌up‌ ‌in‌ ‌alcoholic‌ ‌homes.‌ ‌Reluctantly‌ ‌they‌ ‌agreed‌ ‌to‌‌hold‌‌on‌‌for‌‌one‌‌more‌‌
meeting.‌ ‌ ‌

I‌ ‌was‌ ‌definitely‌ ‌a‌ ‌man‌ ‌with‌ ‌a‌ ‌mission.‌ ‌I‌ ‌wasn't‌ ‌sure‌ ‌what‌ ‌I‌ ‌was‌ ‌trying‌ ‌to‌ ‌do.‌ ‌I‌ ‌guess‌ ‌my‌‌
instincts‌‌told‌‌me‌‌that‌‌the‌‌ACoA‌‌meetings‌‌were‌‌helping‌‌me,‌‌though‌‌I‌‌would‌‌not‌‌have‌‌been‌‌able‌‌to‌‌
describe‌‌just‌‌how‌‌at‌‌the‌‌time.‌ ‌ ‌

During‌ ‌the‌ ‌ensuing‌ ‌week‌ ‌I‌ ‌went‌ ‌to‌ ‌a‌ ‌number‌ ‌of‌ ‌AA‌ ‌meetings‌ ‌in‌ ‌various‌‌parts‌‌of‌‌the‌‌city.‌‌I‌‌
talked‌ ‌about‌ ‌the‌ ‌formation‌ ‌of‌ ‌the‌ ‌ACoA‌ ‌group‌ ‌and‌ ‌invited‌ ‌recovering‌ ‌alcoholics‌ ‌who‌ ‌had‌ ‌been‌‌
raised‌ ‌in‌ ‌alcoholic‌ ‌homes‌‌to‌‌attend‌‌our‌‌next‌‌session.‌‌On‌‌the‌‌following‌‌Monday‌‌evening‌‌at‌‌7‌‌P.M.‌‌
some‌‌17‌‌AA‌‌members‌‌showed‌‌up,‌‌along‌‌with‌‌the‌‌two‌‌original‌‌members‌‌of‌‌the‌‌group‌‌and‌‌me.‌‌My‌‌
last-gasp‌‌efforts‌‌had‌‌paid‌‌off:‌‌We‌‌had‌‌a‌‌functioning‌‌group.‌ ‌ ‌

Over‌ ‌the‌ ‌next‌ ‌month‌ ‌the‌ ‌group‌ ‌continued‌ ‌to‌ ‌expand‌ ‌and‌ ‌grow.‌ ‌Our‌ ‌new‌ ‌members‌‌
networked‌‌and‌‌brought‌‌their‌‌other‌‌AA‌‌members‌‌to‌‌investigate‌‌this‌‌strange‌‌new‌‌group‌‌that‌‌focused‌‌
primarily‌ ‌on‌ ‌feelings,‌ ‌and‌ ‌where‌ ‌people‌ ‌were‌ ‌encouraged‌ ‌to‌ ‌talk‌ ‌about‌ ‌the‌ ‌misery‌ ‌of‌ ‌their‌‌
alcoholic‌‌household‌ ‌and‌‌how‌‌early‌‌behaviour‌‌and‌‌survival‌‌patterns‌‌were‌‌blocking‌‌growth‌‌today.‌ ‌ ‌

The‌‌Problem/Solution‌‌ ‌

As‌‌spring‌‌arrived‌‌in‌‌1978‌‌a‌‌second‌‌ACoA‌‌group‌‌formed‌‌at‌‌St.‌‌Jean‌‌Baptiste‌‌Catholic‌‌church‌‌
on‌ ‌Lexington‌ ‌Avenue‌ ‌in‌ ‌New‌ ‌York‌ ‌City.‌ ‌I‌ ‌organized‌ ‌it‌ ‌and‌ ‌also‌ ‌chaired‌ ‌the‌ ‌meeting.‌‌Attendance‌‌
quickly‌ ‌grew‌ ‌to‌ ‌35‌ ‌or‌ ‌40‌ ‌members,‌ ‌who‌ ‌were‌ ‌mainly‌ ‌drawn‌ ‌from‌ ‌the‌ ‌ranks‌ ‌of‌ ‌AA,‌ ‌Al-Anon‌ ‌and‌‌
Overeaters‌‌Anonymous‌‌(OA)‌‌recovery‌‌programmes.‌ ‌ ‌

In‌ ‌spite‌ ‌of‌ ‌all‌ ‌this‌ ‌growth‌ ‌we‌ ‌were‌ ‌still‌ ‌floundering.‌ ‌Our‌ ‌format‌ ‌and‌ ‌structure‌ ‌were‌ ‌pretty‌‌
direct,‌‌but‌‌we‌‌suffered‌‌from‌‌a‌‌vague‌‌sense‌‌of‌‌purpose‌‌and‌‌a‌‌poorly‌‌articulated‌‌solution.‌‌Although‌‌
we‌ ‌considered‌ ‌the‌ ‌12‌ ‌Steps‌ ‌of‌ ‌AA‌ ‌and‌ ‌Al-Anon‌ ‌to‌ ‌be‌‌our‌‌basic‌‌guide,‌‌we‌‌were‌‌still‌‌improvising.‌‌
The‌‌content‌‌of‌‌our‌‌meetings‌‌was‌‌heavily‌‌focused‌‌on‌‌painful‌‌feelings,‌‌often‌‌explosive‌‌expressions‌‌
of‌ ‌anger‌ ‌and‌ ‌recitations‌ ‌of‌ ‌the‌ ‌family‌ ‌soap‌ ‌opera‌ ‌that‌ ‌had‌ ‌disrupted‌ ‌our‌ ‌childhoods.‌ ‌We‌‌had‌‌no‌‌
literature‌‌to‌‌guide‌‌or‌‌enlighten‌‌us‌‌except‌‌the‌‌general‌‌pamphlets‌‌and‌‌books‌‌of‌‌AA‌‌and‌‌Al-Anon.‌‌We‌‌
had‌ ‌no‌ ‌written‌ ‌information‌ ‌that‌‌spoke‌‌directly‌‌to‌‌our‌‌specific‌‌problems.‌‌Moreover,‌‌the‌‌therapeutic‌‌
community‌‌had‌‌not‌‌yet‌‌identified‌‌and‌‌investigated‌‌the‌‌dimensions‌‌of‌‌what‌‌is‌‌now‌‌termed‌‌the‌‌ACoA‌‌
syndrome.‌ ‌ ‌

Our‌‌uncertain‌‌direction‌‌and‌‌purpose‌‌led‌‌to‌‌our‌‌first‌‌crisis.‌‌One‌‌Wednesday‌‌evening‌‌in‌‌early‌‌
spring‌‌some‌‌of‌‌the‌‌members‌‌cornered‌‌me‌‌and‌‌complained‌‌bitterly‌‌that‌‌the‌‌meetings‌‌did‌‌not‌‌have‌‌

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a‌‌sound‌‌rationale‌‌or‌‌direction.‌‌Their‌‌concerns‌‌were‌‌certainly‌‌valid.‌‌Instinctively‌‌I‌‌knew‌‌that‌‌specific‌‌
direction‌ ‌and‌ ‌certainty‌ ‌are‌ ‌prized‌ ‌by‌ ‌people‌ ‌who‌ ‌have‌ ‌grown‌ ‌up‌ ‌in‌ ‌explosive‌ ‌and‌ ‌unpredictably‌‌
abusive‌ ‌households.‌ ‌I‌ ‌also‌ ‌knew‌ ‌that,‌ ‌as‌ ‌a‌ ‌group,‌ ‌we‌ ‌did‌ ‌not‌ ‌wish‌ ‌to‌ ‌be‌ ‌merged‌ ‌with‌ ‌AA‌ ‌or‌‌
Al-Anon.‌ ‌In‌ ‌fact,‌ ‌our‌ ‌second‌ ‌group‌ ‌had‌ ‌elected‌ ‌not‌ ‌to‌ ‌affiliate‌ ‌with‌ ‌any‌ ‌organization.‌ ‌We‌ ‌were‌‌
trying‌ ‌to‌ ‌get‌‌at‌‌something‌‌very‌‌different,‌‌and‌‌now‌‌I‌‌was‌‌being‌‌asked‌‌to‌‌articulate‌‌just‌‌what‌‌it‌‌was‌‌
we‌‌were‌‌all‌‌about‌ ‌and‌‌how‌‌this‌‌programme‌‌could‌‌work‌‌for‌‌us.‌ ‌ ‌

Change‌‌and‌‌Growth‌ ‌ ‌

During‌‌the‌‌next‌‌18‌‌months‌‌we‌‌continued‌‌to‌‌grow.‌‌Despite‌‌much‌‌turnover‌‌in‌‌membership‌‌we‌ ‌
established‌ ‌a‌ ‌third‌ ‌and‌ ‌fourth‌ ‌group.‌ ‌Sometime‌ ‌during‌ ‌this‌ ‌period,‌ ‌we‌ ‌started‌ ‌what‌ ‌was‌ ‌to‌ ‌be‌ ‌a‌‌
long‌ ‌term‌ ‌dialogue‌ ‌with‌ ‌Al-Anon‌ ‌to‌ ‌consider‌ ‌some‌ ‌form‌ ‌of‌ ‌affiliation.‌ ‌A‌ ‌number‌ ‌of‌ ‌our‌ ‌members‌‌
also‌ ‌attended‌ ‌regular‌ ‌Al-Anon‌ ‌meetings‌ ‌and‌ ‌expressed‌ ‌interest‌ ‌in‌ ‌some‌ ‌form‌ ‌of‌ ‌national‌‌
representation.‌ ‌During‌ ‌this‌ ‌time‌ ‌our‌ ‌meetings‌ ‌were‌ ‌frequently‌ ‌visited‌ ‌by‌ ‌therapists‌ ‌and‌ ‌other‌‌
mental‌ ‌health‌ ‌professionals‌ ‌who‌ ‌showed‌ ‌considerable‌ ‌interest‌‌in‌‌our‌‌new‌‌recovery‌‌programme.‌‌
Because‌‌our‌‌meetings‌‌were‌‌generally‌‌open‌‌to‌‌the‌‌public,‌‌we‌‌were‌‌also‌‌visited‌‌by‌‌members‌‌of‌‌the‌‌
press,‌‌clergy‌‌and‌‌other‌‌I2‌ ‌Step‌‌programmes.‌ ‌ ‌

At‌‌no‌‌time‌‌did‌‌we‌‌see‌‌ourselves‌‌as‌‌pioneers‌‌of‌‌a‌‌new‌‌movement.‌‌We‌‌viewed‌‌ourselves‌‌as‌‌
members‌ ‌of‌ ‌a‌ ‌12-Step‌ ‌self-help‌ ‌programme‌ ‌that‌ ‌focused‌ ‌on‌ ‌the‌ ‌special‌ ‌interests‌ ‌and‌ ‌needs‌ ‌of‌‌
people‌‌who‌‌had‌‌been‌‌brought‌‌up‌‌in‌‌a‌‌family‌‌made‌‌dysfunctional‌‌alcohol.‌‌In‌‌1978‌‌and‌‌1979‌‌groups‌‌
began‌ ‌to‌ ‌spring‌ ‌up‌ ‌in‌ ‌other‌ ‌areas‌ ‌of‌ ‌New‌ ‌York‌ ‌City‌ ‌and‌ ‌in‌ ‌New‌ ‌Jersey,‌ ‌Chicago‌ ‌and‌ ‌Florida.‌‌
Out-of-town‌ ‌visitors‌ ‌would‌ ‌attend‌ ‌a‌ ‌few‌ ‌meetings,‌ ‌grab‌ ‌a‌ ‌handful‌ ‌of‌ ‌our‌ ‌Laundry‌‌Lists‌‌and‌‌head‌‌
back‌‌to‌‌their‌‌distant‌‌hometown‌‌ready‌‌to‌‌replicate‌‌the‌‌simplified‌‌recovery‌‌format‌‌that‌‌we‌‌presented‌‌
to‌‌members.‌ ‌ ‌

Soon‌‌the‌‌professional‌‌community‌‌began‌‌writing‌‌and‌‌publishing‌‌books‌‌and‌‌pamphlets‌‌about‌‌
the‌‌ACoA‌ ‌syndrome.‌‌Our‌‌efforts‌‌seemed‌‌to‌‌dovetail‌‌in‌‌a‌‌timely‌‌manner‌‌with‌‌the‌‌expanding‌‌“family‌‌
systems‌ ‌theory"‌ ‌movement.‌‌All‌‌this‌‌new‌‌information‌‌provided‌‌us‌‌with‌‌much‌‌needed‌‌insights‌‌that‌
shed‌‌important‌‌light‌‌on‌‌the‌‌special‌‌nature‌‌of‌‌our‌‌illness.‌ ‌ ‌

Awareness‌ ‌of‌ ‌the‌ ‌ACoA‌ ‌self-help‌ ‌groups‌ ‌took‌ ‌a‌ ‌quantum‌ ‌leap‌ ‌forward‌ ‌because‌ ‌of‌ ‌the‌‌
selfless‌ ‌efforts‌ ‌of‌ ‌one‌ ‌of‌ ‌our‌ ‌regular‌ ‌St.‌ ‌Jean‌ ‌Baptiste‌ ‌members,‌ ‌Jack‌ ‌E.,‌ ‌a‌ ‌20-year‌ ‌veteran‌ ‌of‌‌
another‌‌12-Step‌ ‌programme.‌‌Jack‌‌moved‌‌to‌‌Los‌‌Angeles‌‌and,‌‌in‌‌true‌‌missionary‌‌style,‌‌he‌‌started‌‌
the‌ ‌first‌ ‌West‌ ‌Coast‌ ‌ACoA‌ ‌groups.‌ ‌In‌ ‌less‌ ‌than‌ ‌a‌ ‌year‌ ‌there‌ ‌were‌ ‌many‌‌more‌‌ACoA‌‌groups‌‌all‌‌
over‌‌Southern‌‌California.‌ ‌And‌‌with‌‌this‌‌effort‌‌ACoA‌‌became‌‌a‌‌nationwide‌‌self-help‌‌programme.‌ ‌ ‌

On‌ ‌a‌‌personal‌‌level‌‌the‌‌programme‌‌has‌‌helped‌‌me‌‌immensely.‌‌But‌‌I‌‌began‌‌to‌‌fear‌‌that‌‌my‌‌
leadership‌ ‌role‌ ‌was‌ ‌creating‌ ‌in‌ ‌me‌ ‌a‌ ‌somewhat‌ ‌over-inflated‌ ‌ego.‌ ‌I‌ ‌asked‌ ‌my‌ ‌Higher‌ ‌Power‌ ‌for‌‌
guidance‌ ‌about‌ ‌what‌ ‌I‌ ‌should‌ ‌do.‌ ‌Shortly‌ ‌thereafter‌ ‌I‌‌stepped‌‌aside‌‌as‌‌meeting‌‌chairperson‌‌and‌‌
took‌‌a‌‌much‌‌more‌‌comfortable‌‌seat‌‌in‌‌the‌‌back‌‌row‌‌of‌‌the‌‌meeting‌‌rooms.‌ ‌ ‌

Additional‌‌Reading:‌‌Big‌‌Red‌‌Book‌‌–‌‌How‌‌It‌‌Works‌‌[Chapter‌‌6,‌‌page‌‌81]‌‌ ‌

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Step‌‌2‌
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We‌‌came‌‌to‌‌believe‌‌that‌‌a‌‌power‌‌greater‌‌than‌‌ourselves‌‌could‌‌bring‌‌us‌‌clarity.‌ ‌

As‌‌children‌‌in‌‌a‌‌dysfunctional‌‌environment‌‌we‌‌had‌‌no‌‌balanced‌‌perspective‌‌or‌‌clear‌‌models‌‌
to‌ ‌guide‌ ‌us.‌ ‌We‌ ‌had‌ ‌no‌ ‌opportunity‌ ‌to‌ ‌see‌ ‌a‌‌healthy,‌‌nurturing‌‌life‌‌process.‌‌With‌‌the‌‌help‌‌of‌‌our‌‌
Higher‌‌Power,‌‌as‌‌we‌‌may‌‌envision‌‌it,‌‌we‌‌can‌‌begin‌‌to‌‌experience‌‌a‌‌healing‌‌and‌‌nurturing‌‌approach‌‌
to‌ ‌life.‌ ‌Clarity‌ ‌returns,‌‌and‌‌with‌‌it‌‌a‌‌new‌‌richer‌‌understanding‌‌of‌‌ourselves,‌‌this‌‌is‌‌available‌‌to‌‌us‌‌
all.‌ ‌ ‌

1.‌‌Do‌‌I‌‌believe‌‌that‌‌there‌‌is‌‌a‌‌part‌‌of‌‌me‌‌that‌‌can‌‌be‌‌restored‌‌to‌‌clarity?‌ ‌ ‌

2.‌‌Give‌‌an‌‌example‌‌of‌‌an‌‌area‌‌in‌‌my‌‌life‌‌in‌‌which‌‌I‌‌had‌‌no‌‌healthy‌‌models‌‌or‌‌examples‌‌to‌‌guide‌‌me‌‌
growing‌‌up?‌ ‌ ‌

3.‌‌When‌‌did‌‌I‌‌discover‌‌what‌‌“healthy”‌‌was‌‌in‌‌this‌‌area?‌ ‌

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4.‌‌How‌‌did‌‌I‌‌feel‌‌when‌‌I‌‌found‌‌this‌‌out?‌ ‌ ‌

5.‌‌How‌‌did‌‌I‌‌incorporate‌‌this‌‌healthy‌‌model?‌ ‌ ‌

6.‌‌How‌‌has‌‌a‌‌Higher‌‌Power‌‌evolved‌‌in‌‌my‌‌time‌‌in‌‌recovery?‌‌ ‌

7.‌‌Is‌‌my‌‌Higher‌‌Power‌‌the‌‌“Inner‌‌Loving‌‌Parent”‌‌I‌‌need‌‌today?‌ ‌If‌‌not,‌‌what‌‌can‌‌I‌‌change‌‌(t‌ hinking‌‌

patterns,‌‌etc…‌)?‌ ‌

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8.‌ ‌What‌ ‌needs‌ ‌to‌ ‌change‌ ‌in‌ ‌my‌ ‌idea‌‌of‌‌a‌‌loving‌‌Higher‌‌Power‌‌to‌‌bring‌‌clarity‌‌of‌‌vision,‌‌to‌‌create‌ ‌
freedom‌‌from‌‌guilt,‌‌shame‌‌or‌‌fear,‌‌etc...?‌ ‌ ‌

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Reading‌‌3‌‌-‌‌What‌‌is‌‌ACoA‌‌all‌‌About?‌
‌

What‌‌is‌‌ACoA?‌ ‌

(Editor’s‌ ‌note:‌ ‌The‌ ‌writing‌ ‌of‌ ‌Tony‌ ‌A‌ ‌was‌ ‌done‌ ‌before‌ ‌ACA‌ ‌worldwide‌ ‌accepted‌ ‌the‌ ‌concept‌ ‌that‌ ‌
everything‌‌Tony‌‌A‌‌wrote‌‌about‌‌alcoholism‌‌and‌‌growing‌‌up‌‌in‌‌an‌‌alcoholic‌‌home‌‌was‌‌also‌‌true‌‌for‌‌children‌‌
who‌‌grew‌‌up‌‌in‌‌dysfunctional‌‌homes‌‌where‌‌addiction‌‌may‌‌not‌‌have‌‌been‌‌an‌‌issue.‌‌The‌‌ACA‌ ‌Big‌‌Red‌‌Book‌‌
identifies‌‌7‌‌types‌‌of‌‌upbringing‌‌that‌‌qualify‌‌as‌‌dysfunctional‌‌as‌‌follows:‌‌“parents‌‌who‌ ‌were‌‌emotionally‌‌ill,‌‌
hypochondriac,‌ ‌hypercritical,‌ ‌perfectionist,‌ ‌ultra-religious,‌ ‌or‌ ‌sexually‌ ‌abusive.‌ ‌Adults‌ ‌who‌ ‌have‌ ‌been‌‌
adopted‌‌or‌‌who‌‌grew‌‌up‌‌in‌‌foster‌‌homes‌‌relate‌‌to‌‌The‌‌Laundry‌‌List‌‌as‌‌well‌‌and‌ ‌recover‌‌in‌‌ACA.”‌‌ACA‌‌Big‌‌
Red‌ ‌Book,‌ ‌page‌ ‌4.‌ ‌When‌ ‌you‌ ‌see‌ ‌the‌ ‌words‌ ‌alcoholic‌ ‌below,‌ ‌feel‌ ‌free‌ ‌to‌ ‌also‌ ‌substitute‌ ‌the‌ ‌word‌‌
‘dysfunctional’‌‌for‌‌a‌‌better‌‌understanding‌).‌ ‌ ‌

Adult‌ ‌Children‌ ‌of‌ ‌Alcoholics‌ ‌is‌ ‌a‌ ‌worldwide‌ ‌self-help‌ ‌recovery‌ ‌fellowship‌ ‌that‌ ‌speaks‌‌
directly‌‌to‌‌the‌‌problems‌‌experienced‌‌by‌‌men‌‌and‌‌women‌‌who‌‌were‌‌brought‌‌up‌‌in‌‌a‌‌family‌‌system‌‌
crippled‌ ‌by‌ ‌alcoholism.‌ ‌Despite‌ ‌much‌ ‌publicity‌ ‌in‌ ‌the‌ ‌media‌ ‌and‌ ‌dozens‌ ‌of‌ ‌recent‌ ‌books,‌ ‌many‌‌
people‌ ‌who‌ ‌grew‌ ‌up‌ ‌in‌ ‌an‌ ‌alcoholic‌ ‌household‌ ‌are‌ ‌unaware‌ ‌that‌ ‌alcoholism‌ ‌is‌ ‌an‌ ‌illness‌ ‌that‌‌
affects‌ ‌all‌ ‌family‌ ‌members,‌ ‌no‌ ‌one‌ ‌escapes‌ ‌without‌ ‌some‌ ‌scars.‌ ‌For‌ ‌millions,‌ ‌then,‌ ‌becoming‌‌
knowledgeable‌‌about‌‌the‌‌effects‌‌of‌‌the‌‌illness‌‌is‌‌an‌‌important‌‌first‌‌step.‌‌An‌‌individual‌‌must‌‌come‌‌
to‌‌the‌‌realization‌‌that‌‌growing‌‌up‌‌in‌‌an‌‌alcoholic‌‌environment‌‌leads‌‌directly‌‌to‌‌taking‌‌on‌‌many‌‌of‌‌
the‌‌characteristics‌‌of‌‌the‌ ‌illness.‌ ‌ ‌

Until‌ ‌recently‌ ‌most‌ ‌people‌ ‌were‌ ‌unaware‌ ‌that‌ ‌everyone‌ ‌in‌ ‌an‌ ‌alcoholic‌ ‌household‌ ‌suffers‌‌
some‌ ‌kind‌ ‌of‌ ‌emotional‌ ‌damage.‌ ‌Children‌ ‌of‌ ‌alcoholic‌ ‌parents‌ ‌are‌ ‌forced‌ ‌into‌ ‌an‌ ‌abnormal‌‌
existence‌ ‌characterized‌ ‌by‌ ‌physical,‌‌verbal‌‌and‌‌emotional‌‌abuse,‌‌concealment,‌‌repression,‌‌stuffed‌‌
feelings,‌ ‌chronic‌ ‌anxiety‌ ‌and‌ ‌continued‌ ‌betrayal.‌ ‌As‌ ‌these‌ ‌children‌ ‌mature‌ ‌-‌ ‌that‌ ‌is,‌ ‌manage‌ ‌to‌‌
survive‌‌-‌‌they‌ ‌develop‌‌a‌‌whole‌‌series‌‌of‌‌defences‌‌that‌‌temporarily‌‌shield‌‌them‌‌from‌‌the‌‌brawling‌‌
or‌‌muted‌‌insanity‌‌of‌‌their‌‌home‌‌life.‌ ‌ ‌

Such‌‌defences‌‌as‌‌hypervigilance,‌‌deep‌‌distrust,‌‌inability‌‌to‌‌express‌‌feelings,‌‌depression,‌‌fear‌‌
of‌ ‌authority‌ ‌figures‌ ‌and‌ ‌a‌ ‌compelling‌ ‌need‌ ‌to‌ ‌control‌ ‌events‌ ‌and‌ ‌people‌ ‌are‌ ‌just‌ ‌a‌ ‌few‌ ‌of‌ ‌the‌‌
lifestyle‌ ‌tactics‌ ‌that‌ ‌children‌ ‌of‌ ‌alcoholics‌ ‌carry‌ ‌with‌ ‌them‌ ‌into‌ ‌maturity.‌ ‌As‌ ‌adults‌ ‌they‌ ‌are‌‌
‌
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confused‌ ‌and‌ ‌often‌ ‌deeply‌ ‌distressed‌ ‌when‌ ‌they‌ ‌see‌ ‌themselves‌ ‌continuing‌ ‌to‌ ‌act‌ ‌out‌ ‌in‌‌
emotionally‌‌unhealthy‌ ‌ways‌‌that‌‌they‌‌learned‌‌from‌‌their‌‌parents.‌ ‌ ‌

Those‌ ‌of‌ ‌us‌ ‌who‌ ‌grew‌ ‌up‌‌in‌‌an‌‌alcoholic‌‌environment‌‌need‌‌to‌‌understand‌‌very‌‌clearly‌‌that‌‌

our‌‌family‌‌was‌‌caught‌‌up‌‌in‌‌a‌‌conflict‌‌that‌‌took‌‌on‌‌many‌‌of‌‌the‌‌elements‌‌of‌‌open‌‌warfare.‌‌Whether‌‌
the‌‌battles‌‌were‌‌loud‌‌and‌‌calamitous‌‌or‌‌silent‌‌and‌‌deadly,‌‌they‌‌all‌‌produced‌‌emotional‌‌stress‌‌in‌‌the‌‌
smallest‌ ‌of‌ ‌victims‌ ‌-‌ ‌the‌ ‌children.‌ ‌The‌ ‌tragedy‌ ‌is‌ ‌that‌ ‌the‌ ‌stress‌ ‌and‌ ‌hurt‌ ‌and‌ ‌agony‌ ‌didn't‌ ‌get‌‌
processed‌‌and‌ ‌discharged.‌‌Most‌‌of‌‌us‌‌tried‌‌to‌‌bury‌‌it‌‌deep,‌‌to‌‌ignore‌‌it,‌‌to‌‌pretend‌‌it‌‌didn't‌‌hurt‌‌or‌‌
didn't‌ ‌matter.‌ ‌Over‌ ‌the‌ ‌years‌ ‌all‌ ‌the‌ ‌buried,‌ ‌concealed‌ ‌misery‌ ‌festered.‌ ‌Some‌ ‌of‌‌us‌‌tried‌‌to‌‌rebel‌‌
early,‌ ‌some‌ ‌later;‌ ‌and‌ ‌many‌ ‌of‌ ‌us‌ ‌never‌ ‌had‌ ‌the‌ ‌opportunity‌ ‌to‌ ‌shed‌ ‌our‌ ‌lost,‌‌stuffed,‌‌frightened‌‌
selves.‌ ‌ ‌

As‌ ‌children‌ ‌most‌ ‌of‌ ‌us‌ ‌felt‌ ‌trapped‌ ‌and‌ ‌helpless,‌ ‌unable‌ ‌to‌ ‌establish‌ ‌a‌ ‌separate‌ ‌self.‌ ‌We‌‌
weren't‌‌valued‌‌by‌‌our‌‌parents,‌‌and‌‌as‌‌adults‌‌we‌‌find‌‌it‌‌increasingly‌‌difficult‌‌to‌‌accept‌‌and‌‌nurture‌‌
ourselves.‌ ‌But‌ ‌even‌ ‌more‌ ‌troubling‌ ‌are‌ ‌the‌ ‌frustrations‌ ‌and‌ ‌difficulties‌ ‌we‌ ‌have‌ ‌in‌ ‌our‌‌
relationships‌ ‌with‌ ‌others‌ ‌and‌ ‌in‌ ‌our‌ ‌careers.‌ ‌Rarely‌ ‌do‌ ‌we‌ ‌have‌ ‌satisfying,‌ ‌healthy‌ ‌relationships‌‌
with‌ ‌those‌ ‌near‌ ‌to‌ ‌us,‌ ‌and‌ ‌most‌ ‌of‌‌our‌‌friendships‌‌suffer‌‌from‌‌distorted‌‌thinking,‌‌dependency‌‌or‌‌
domination.‌‌ACoA’s‌‌seem‌‌to‌ ‌have‌‌considerable‌‌trouble‌‌establishing‌‌intimate,‌‌mutually‌‌nourishing‌‌
relationships.‌‌This‌‌is‌‌not‌‌surprising,‌‌since‌‌we‌‌had‌‌no‌‌healthy‌‌intimacies‌‌to‌‌observe‌‌and‌‌learn‌‌from‌‌
in‌‌our‌‌childhood.‌‌Physical‌ ‌beatings,‌‌scathing‌‌criticism,‌‌sexual‌‌abuse‌‌and‌‌raging‌‌tyranny‌‌certainly‌‌
did‌ ‌not‌ ‌help‌ ‌us‌ ‌comprehend‌ ‌the‌ ‌qualities‌ ‌and‌ ‌characteristics‌ ‌that‌ ‌create‌ ‌healthy‌ ‌intimacy.‌ ‌In‌‌
ACoA‌ ‌we‌ ‌learn‌ ‌that‌ ‌real‌ ‌intimacy‌ ‌and‌ ‌caring‌ ‌friendships‌ ‌can‌ ‌never‌ ‌flourish‌ ‌in‌ ‌the‌ ‌soil‌ ‌of‌‌
self-loathing.‌‌Early‌‌in‌‌life,‌‌however,‌‌we‌‌were‌‌taught‌ ‌that‌‌we‌‌were‌‌unacceptable.‌‌We‌‌were‌‌told‌‌over‌‌
and‌ ‌over‌ ‌again‌ ‌how‌ ‌terribly‌ ‌flawed‌ ‌we‌ ‌were.‌ ‌Our‌ ‌parents‌ ‌and‌ ‌other‌ ‌family‌ ‌members‌ ‌virtually‌‌
created‌ ‌our‌ ‌negative‌ ‌sense‌ ‌of‌ ‌self-worth.‌ ‌Our‌ ‌real‌ ‌task‌ ‌as‌ ‌adults‌ ‌is‌ ‌to‌ ‌change‌ ‌how‌ ‌we‌ ‌think‌ ‌of‌‌
ourselves.‌‌We‌‌begin‌‌this‌‌process‌‌when‌‌we‌‌join‌‌the‌‌ACoA‌‌recovery‌‌programme.‌‌ACoA‌‌is‌‌available‌‌
to‌ ‌all‌ ‌who‌ ‌are‌ ‌interested.‌ ‌The‌ ‌focus‌ ‌is‌ ‌on‌ ‌reconstruction,‌ ‌change,‌ ‌healing,‌ ‌nurturing‌ ‌-‌ ‌and‌ ‌a‌‌
willingness‌‌to‌‌surrender‌‌old‌‌ineffective‌‌ways‌‌of‌‌dealing‌‌with‌‌life's‌‌problems.‌‌By‌‌learning‌‌about‌‌the‌‌
dimensions‌‌of‌‌our‌‌illness‌‌and‌‌the‌‌ways‌‌in‌‌which‌‌it‌‌continues‌‌to‌‌have‌‌a‌‌powerful‌ ‌influence‌‌on‌‌our‌‌
lives,‌ ‌we‌ ‌can‌ ‌begin‌ ‌the‌ ‌process‌ ‌of‌ ‌change.‌ ‌We‌ ‌gain‌ ‌insight‌ ‌into‌ ‌the‌ ‌ways‌ ‌in‌ ‌which‌ ‌we‌ ‌have‌‌
contributed‌ ‌to‌ ‌the‌ ‌current‌ ‌unmanageability‌ ‌of‌ ‌our‌ ‌lives.‌ ‌We‌‌begin‌‌to‌‌see‌‌how‌‌powerless‌‌we‌‌have‌‌
been‌‌over‌‌the‌‌destructive‌‌force‌‌of‌‌the‌‌illness.‌‌ ‌

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The‌‌ACoA‌‌Programme‌‌is‌‌About‌‌People,‌‌Human‌‌Contact‌‌and‌‌Sharing‌‌ ‌

Recovery‌ ‌involves‌ ‌attending‌ ‌meetings,‌ ‌listening,‌ ‌sharing,‌ ‌learning‌ ‌and‌ ‌taking‌ ‌action.‌‌Most‌‌
of‌‌us‌‌have‌‌tried‌‌in‌‌vain‌‌to‌‌understand‌‌where‌‌we‌‌were‌‌going‌‌wrong‌‌by‌‌studying‌‌an‌‌endless‌‌library‌‌of‌‌
self-help‌ ‌books‌ ‌and‌ ‌attending‌ ‌lectures‌ ‌by‌ ‌professionals.‌‌Despite‌‌our‌‌efforts‌‌these‌‌activities‌‌never‌‌
seemed‌ ‌to‌ ‌produce‌ ‌lasting,‌ ‌positive‌ ‌results.‌ ‌Why?‌ ‌Perhaps‌ ‌it's‌ ‌because‌ ‌an‌ ‌individual‌ ‌who‌ ‌is‌ ‌
trapped‌‌in‌‌denial‌‌or‌‌resistance‌‌has‌‌very‌‌little‌‌possibility‌‌of‌‌producing‌‌substantive‌‌change.‌ ‌ ‌

Most‌‌effective‌‌change‌‌requires‌‌intensive‌‌exposure‌‌to‌‌the‌‌problems‌‌involved‌‌and‌‌a‌‌consistent‌‌
effort‌‌to‌‌apply‌‌sound,‌‌sensible‌‌actions‌‌to‌‌the‌‌issues.‌‌Change‌‌and‌‌recovery‌‌seldom‌‌yield‌‌to‌‌solitary,‌ ‌
infrequent,‌‌isolated‌‌effort.‌‌Self-help‌‌recovery‌‌programmes‌‌bring‌‌success‌‌because‌‌they‌‌ask‌‌that‌‌the‌ ‌
individual‌ ‌join‌ ‌with‌ ‌others‌ ‌who‌ ‌have‌‌common‌‌suffering.‌‌These‌‌programmes‌‌invite‌‌the‌‌individual‌‌
to‌ ‌suspend‌ ‌judgment,‌ ‌become‌ ‌teachable,‌ ‌open‌ ‌up‌ ‌to‌ ‌others,‌ ‌re-experience‌ ‌the‌ ‌early‌ ‌pain,‌ ‌take‌‌
specific‌‌positive‌‌actions‌‌and‌‌develop‌‌faith‌‌in‌‌the‌‌process‌‌and‌‌a‌‌spiritual‌‌path.‌ ‌ ‌

The‌‌programme‌‌demands‌‌nothing:‌‌The‌‌process‌‌is‌‌always‌‌voluntary.‌‌It‌‌requires‌‌a‌‌willingness‌‌
to‌ ‌consider‌ ‌change,‌‌and‌‌a‌‌commitment‌‌to‌‌take‌‌healthy‌‌actions.‌‌The‌‌deeper‌‌your‌‌involvement,‌‌the‌‌
greater‌ ‌the‌ ‌recovery.‌ ‌Fence-sitters‌ ‌derive‌ ‌very‌ ‌little‌ ‌of‌ ‌sustaining‌ ‌value.‌ ‌The‌ ‌primary‌ ‌law‌ ‌that‌‌
operates‌ ‌in‌ ‌the‌ ‌realm‌ ‌of‌ ‌self-recovery‌ ‌is‌‌that‌‌the‌‌more‌‌you‌‌work‌‌the‌‌programme,‌‌the‌‌more‌‌it‌‌will‌‌
work‌‌for‌‌you.‌ ‌ ‌

How‌‌Does‌‌ACoA‌‌Work?‌‌ ‌

ACoA‌ ‌is‌ ‌people‌ ‌helping‌ ‌people.‌ ‌It‌ ‌is‌ ‌a‌ ‌12-Step‌ ‌self-help‌ ‌recovery‌ ‌programme‌ ‌with‌ ‌a‌‌
structure,‌ ‌a‌ ‌series‌ ‌of‌ ‌well-defined‌ ‌issues‌ ‌and‌ ‌some‌ ‌proven‌ ‌recovery‌ ‌principles‌ ‌and‌ ‌guidelines.‌‌
Much‌‌of‌‌the‌‌early‌‌effort‌‌involves‌‌attending‌‌meetings‌‌and‌‌becoming‌‌familiar‌‌with‌‌the‌‌nature‌‌of‌‌the‌‌
illness;‌ ‌learning‌ ‌to‌ ‌share‌ ‌with‌ ‌others‌ ‌on‌ ‌a‌ ‌consistent‌ ‌basis;‌ ‌and‌ ‌discovering‌ ‌some‌ ‌of‌ ‌the‌ ‌early‌‌
action’s‌‌newcomers‌‌take‌‌to‌ ‌initiate‌‌recovery.‌‌ ‌

The‌‌pros‌‌can‌‌be‌‌seen‌‌as‌‌a‌‌series‌‌of‌‌recovery‌‌efforts:‌ ‌ ‌

1. Early‌‌awareness‌‌of‌‌the‌‌nature‌‌of‌‌the‌‌illness.‌ ‌ ‌

2. Identification‌‌with‌‌the‌‌destructive‌‌behaviour‌‌patterns‌‌that‌‌ACoA’s‌‌have‌‌in‌‌common.‌ ‌ ‌

3. Developing‌‌a‌‌feeling‌‌of‌‌safety‌‌and‌‌security‌‌about‌‌the‌‌meetings‌‌and‌‌fellow‌‌members.‌ ‌ ‌

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 4. Developing‌ ‌a‌ ‌willingness‌ ‌to‌ ‌sit‌ ‌with‌ ‌and‌ ‌re-experience‌ ‌painful‌ ‌feelings‌ ‌that‌ ‌come‌ ‌from‌ ‌
childhood.‌ ‌ ‌

5. Sharing‌ ‌with‌ ‌the‌ ‌group‌ ‌about‌ ‌family‌ ‌secrets,‌ ‌shame,‌ ‌harmful‌ ‌behaviour‌ ‌patterns‌ ‌and‌ ‌new‌‌
unsettling‌‌feelings‌‌about‌‌childhood‌‌trauma.‌ ‌ ‌

6. Intensive‌ ‌study‌ ‌of‌ ‌some‌ ‌of‌ ‌the‌ ‌valuable‌ ‌information‌ ‌and‌ ‌self-help‌‌books‌‌that‌‌deal‌‌with‌‌the‌‌
ACoA‌‌syndrome.‌ ‌ ‌

7. Developing‌ ‌friends‌ ‌among‌ ‌group‌ ‌members,‌ ‌active‌ ‌group‌ ‌participation‌ ‌and‌ ‌selection‌ ‌of‌ ‌a‌ ‌
sponsor.‌ ‌ ‌

8. Study‌‌of‌‌the‌‌ACoA‌‌12‌‌Steps‌‌of‌‌recovery‌‌for‌‌guidance‌‌and‌‌direction.‌ ‌

9. Development‌‌of‌‌some‌‌form‌‌of‌‌belief‌‌or‌‌faith‌‌in‌‌a‌‌spiritual‌‌path.‌ ‌ ‌

10. Assessment‌ ‌(in‌ ‌writing)‌ ‌of‌ ‌the‌ ‌major‌ ‌issues‌ ‌and‌ ‌destructive‌ ‌behaviour‌ ‌patterns‌ ‌that‌ ‌are‌ ‌
causing‌‌difficulty.‌ ‌ ‌

11. Discussing‌ ‌these‌ ‌issues‌ ‌and‌ ‌problems‌ ‌with‌ ‌a‌ ‌sponsor‌ ‌or‌ ‌ACoA‌ ‌friends‌ ‌and‌ ‌developing‌ ‌a‌ ‌
practical,‌‌workable‌‌programme‌‌of‌‌action‌‌to‌‌resolve‌‌them.‌ ‌ ‌

12. Applying‌‌the‌‌ACoA‌‌12‌‌Steps‌‌of‌‌recovery‌‌and‌‌the‌‌ACoA‌‌Solution‌‌to‌‌personal‌‌problems.‌‌ ‌

13. Sharing‌‌the‌‌results‌‌of‌‌these‌‌efforts‌‌with‌‌a‌‌sponsor,‌‌friends‌‌and‌‌a‌‌Higher‌‌Power.‌ ‌ ‌

14. Becoming‌‌willing‌‌to‌‌be‌‌held‌‌accountable‌‌by‌‌a‌‌sponsor‌‌and‌‌friends‌‌for‌‌following‌‌through‌‌on‌‌
all‌‌major‌‌changes‌‌in‌‌behaviour‌‌and‌‌beliefs.‌ ‌ ‌

15. Adapting‌‌the‌‌ACoA‌‌programme‌‌to‌‌all‌‌aspects‌‌of‌‌life‌‌particularly‌‌to‌‌relationships‌‌and‌‌work.‌ ‌ ‌

16. Developing‌‌a‌‌belief‌‌in‌‌the‌‌value‌‌of‌‌following‌‌a‌‌spiritual‌‌path‌‌in‌‌human‌‌endeavours.‌ ‌ ‌

Please‌‌keep‌‌in‌‌mind‌‌that‌‌the‌‌process‌‌of‌‌recovery‌‌varies‌‌considerably‌‌from‌‌person‌‌to‌‌person.‌‌
The‌ ‌elements‌‌listed‌‌above‌‌are‌‌only‌‌rough‌‌guideposts‌‌that‌‌illustrate‌‌a‌‌general‌‌sequence‌‌of‌‌recovery‌ ‌
events.‌ ‌ ‌

‌
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 Early‌‌recovery‌‌is‌‌usually‌‌quite‌‌difficult‌‌for‌‌most‌‌ACoA’s‌‌-‌‌even‌‌for‌‌those‌‌with‌‌other‌‌12-Step‌‌
recovery‌ ‌programme‌ ‌experiences.‌ ‌One‌ ‌reason‌ ‌is‌ ‌that‌ ‌there‌ ‌are‌ ‌many‌ ‌different‌ ‌recovery‌ ‌issues‌‌
involved.‌ ‌No‌ ‌two‌ ‌members‌ ‌are‌ ‌necessarily‌ ‌battling‌ ‌the‌ ‌same‌ ‌ghosts,‌ ‌since‌ ‌each‌ ‌member‌ ‌was‌‌
brought‌ ‌up‌ ‌in‌ ‌a‌ ‌uniquely‌ ‌troubled‌‌family‌‌system.‌‌We‌‌all‌‌have‌‌much‌‌in‌‌common,‌‌but‌‌the‌‌specific‌‌
ways‌‌we‌‌act‌‌out‌‌can‌‌vary.‌‌For‌ ‌one‌‌member‌‌an‌‌overwhelming‌‌dependency‌‌and‌‌fear‌‌of‌‌abandonment‌‌
may‌ ‌be‌ ‌the‌ ‌major‌‌issue.‌‌For‌ ‌another‌‌member‌‌a‌‌controlling,‌‌abusive,‌‌suspicious‌‌manner‌‌may‌‌lead‌‌
to‌‌a‌‌particularly‌‌troubling‌‌series‌‌of‌‌problems‌‌that‌‌destroys‌‌intimacy.‌ ‌ ‌

Some‌ ‌common‌ ‌threads‌ ‌run‌ ‌throughout‌ ‌all‌‌these‌‌different‌‌ways‌‌of‌‌approaching,‌‌controlling‌‌

or‌ ‌reacting‌ ‌to‌ ‌life.‌ ‌These‌ ‌are‌ ‌described‌ ‌in‌‌detail‌‌in‌‌The‌‌Problem/Solution.‌‌This‌‌brief‌‌information‌‌
piece‌ ‌was‌ ‌designed‌ ‌to‌ ‌answer‌ ‌the‌ ‌frequent‌ ‌and‌ ‌insistent‌ ‌inquiries:‌ ‌"Well,‌ ‌just‌ ‌how‌ ‌does‌ ‌ACoA‌‌
work?"‌ ‌"How‌ ‌am‌‌I‌‌supposed‌‌to‌‌get‌‌better?"‌‌"What‌‌do‌‌I‌‌have‌‌to‌‌do?"‌‌"What‌‌is‌‌really‌‌wrong‌‌with‌‌
me?"‌ ‌"Can‌ ‌I‌ ‌really‌ ‌recover‌ ‌from‌ ‌all‌ ‌this‌ ‌craziness?"‌‌Early‌‌on‌‌in‌‌ACoA‌‌we‌‌recognized‌‌the‌‌critical‌‌
importance‌‌of‌‌a‌‌safe‌‌and‌‌supportive‌‌environment‌‌where‌‌we‌‌could‌‌all‌‌share‌‌openly.‌ ‌ ‌

Many‌ ‌of‌ ‌us‌ ‌found‌ ‌that‌ ‌opening‌ ‌up‌ ‌and‌ ‌expressing‌ ‌our‌ ‌real,‌ ‌authentic‌ ‌feelings‌ ‌was‌ ‌a‌‌
frightening‌ ‌prospect.‌ ‌Most‌ ‌of‌ ‌us‌ ‌had‌ ‌been‌ ‌heavily‌ ‌censored‌ ‌as‌ ‌children.‌ ‌Our‌ ‌feelings‌ ‌were‌‌
attacked,‌ ‌discounted‌ ‌or‌ ‌ignored.‌ ‌Now‌ ‌we‌ ‌were‌ ‌encouraging‌ ‌each‌ ‌other‌ ‌to‌ ‌be‌ ‌authentic‌ ‌and‌ ‌to‌‌
reveal‌‌what‌‌we‌‌had‌‌so‌‌long‌‌edited‌‌or‌‌suppressed.‌ ‌ ‌

We‌ ‌knew‌ ‌that‌ ‌we‌ ‌had‌ ‌to‌‌create‌‌a‌‌new‌‌kind‌‌of‌‌open‌‌forum‌‌where‌‌each‌‌member‌‌could‌‌share‌‌

the‌‌special‌‌pain‌‌and‌‌anguish‌‌that‌‌comes‌‌to‌‌us‌‌when‌‌we‌‌begin‌‌to‌‌re-experience‌‌the‌‌feelings‌‌of‌‌rage,‌‌
grief,‌‌fear‌‌and‌‌abandonment‌‌that‌‌we‌‌stuffed‌‌during‌‌our‌‌dismal‌‌and‌‌distressing‌‌childhoods.‌‌When‌‌I‌ ‌
constructed‌ ‌what‌ ‌I‌ ‌felt‌ ‌were‌ ‌the‌ ‌basic‌ ‌elements‌‌of‌‌a‌‌solution‌‌to‌‌our‌‌many‌‌and‌‌varied‌‌problems,‌‌I‌‌
was‌‌guided‌‌by‌‌these‌‌five‌‌principles:‌ ‌ ‌

1. Like‌‌our‌‌parents,‌‌we‌‌too‌‌were‌‌powerless‌‌victims‌‌of‌‌the‌‌disease‌‌of‌‌alcoholism.‌ ‌ ‌

2. By‌ ‌joining‌ ‌with‌ ‌others‌ ‌in‌ ‌a‌ ‌safe‌ ‌and‌ ‌loving‌ ‌environment,‌ ‌we‌ ‌could‌ ‌explore‌ ‌the‌ ‌ways‌ ‌in‌ ‌
which‌‌the‌‌illness‌‌still‌‌affects‌‌us‌‌and‌‌gain‌‌a‌‌new‌‌clarity‌‌concerning‌‌it.‌ ‌ ‌

3. In‌‌ACoA‌‌the‌‌focus‌‌is‌‌inward‌‌and‌‌involves‌‌re-experiencing‌‌painful‌‌childhood‌‌feelings.‌ ‌ ‌

4. Most‌ ‌of‌ ‌us‌ ‌have‌ ‌to‌ ‌revisit‌ ‌emotionally‌ ‌the‌ ‌anguish‌ ‌and‌ ‌confusion‌ ‌that‌ ‌so‌ ‌affected‌ ‌us.‌ ‌A‌ ‌
series‌‌of‌‌recovery‌‌steps‌‌is‌‌available‌‌to‌‌assist‌‌ACoA’s‌‌on‌‌this‌‌journey.‌ ‌ ‌

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 5. ACoA‌ ‌is‌ ‌a‌ ‌spiritually‌ ‌based‌ ‌recovery‌ ‌programme.‌ ‌Members‌ ‌are‌ ‌invited‌ ‌to‌ ‌look‌ ‌to‌ ‌a‌ ‌power‌ ‌
greater‌‌than‌‌themselves‌‌as‌‌a‌‌helping‌‌force‌‌for‌‌recovery.‌‌ ‌

Who‌‌We‌‌Are‌ ‌ ‌

If‌ ‌you‌ ‌are‌ ‌questioning‌ ‌the‌ ‌impact‌ ‌of‌ ‌the‌ ‌illness‌ ‌on‌ ‌your‌ ‌life,‌ ‌you‌ ‌may‌ ‌find‌ ‌the‌ ‌following‌‌
section‌ ‌helpful.‌ ‌ACoA’s‌ ‌are‌ ‌the‌ ‌innocent‌ ‌victims‌ ‌of‌ ‌an‌ ‌all-encompassing‌ ‌illness‌‌that‌‌strikes‌‌any‌‌
family‌ ‌suffering‌ ‌from‌ ‌the‌ ‌effects‌‌of‌‌parental‌‌alcoholism.‌‌In‌‌an‌‌alcoholic‌‌household‌‌the‌‌emotional‌‌
dynamics‌ ‌are‌ ‌generally‌ ‌destructive‌ ‌to‌ ‌all‌ ‌family‌ ‌members.‌ ‌Too‌ ‌often‌ ‌the‌ ‌atmosphere‌ ‌is‌ ‌one‌ ‌of‌‌
violence,‌‌denial,‌‌fear,‌‌abandonment,‌‌brutal‌‌indifference,‌‌seething‌‌scorn,‌‌inconsistency‌‌and‌‌betrayal‌‌
-‌‌or‌‌a‌‌combination‌‌of‌‌these‌‌elements.‌ ‌ ‌

Turbulence‌‌of‌‌this‌‌sort,‌‌if‌‌endured‌‌for‌‌many‌‌years,‌‌invariably‌‌leads‌‌to‌‌some‌‌form‌‌of‌‌psychic‌‌
numbing.‌ ‌Spontaneity‌ ‌and‌ ‌vulnerability‌ ‌get‌ ‌pushed‌ ‌aside‌ ‌by‌ ‌rigid‌ ‌defences.‌ ‌Our‌ ‌feelings‌ ‌and‌‌
emotions‌‌get‌‌stuffed‌‌and‌‌often‌‌covered‌‌over‌‌by‌‌denial‌‌and‌‌a‌‌powerful‌‌need‌‌to‌‌control.‌‌As‌‌trapped‌
victims‌‌we‌‌adjust‌‌as‌‌best‌‌we‌‌can‌‌to‌‌the‌‌insane,‌‌unpredictable‌‌behaviour‌‌of‌‌the‌‌entire‌‌family.‌ ‌ ‌

As‌ ‌young‌ ‌children‌ ‌ACoA’s‌ ‌learn‌ ‌a‌ ‌set‌ ‌of‌ ‌injunctions‌ ‌that‌ ‌are‌ ‌destined‌ ‌to‌ ‌keep‌ ‌us‌ ‌trapped‌‌in‌‌the‌‌
illness‌‌for‌‌many‌‌years.‌‌Claudia‌‌B‌‌has‌‌termed‌‌these:‌ ‌ ‌

1.‌‌Don't‌‌Talk‌ ‌ ‌

2.‌‌Don't‌‌Trust‌ ‌ ‌

3.‌‌Don't‌‌Feel‌ ‌ ‌

As‌ ‌emotionally‌ ‌abandoned‌ ‌children‌ ‌these‌ ‌three‌ ‌responses‌ ‌were‌ ‌at‌ ‌the‌ ‌core‌ ‌of‌ ‌our‌ ‌survival‌ ‌
techniques,‌ ‌we‌ ‌used‌ ‌them‌ ‌over‌ ‌and‌ ‌over‌ ‌whenever‌ ‌the‌ ‌family‌ ‌drama‌ ‌became‌ ‌too‌ ‌intense‌ ‌and‌ ‌
uncontrollable.‌ ‌Even‌ ‌more‌ ‌destructive‌ ‌was‌ ‌the‌ ‌way‌ ‌that‌ ‌this‌ ‌behaviour‌ ‌shaped‌ ‌our‌ ‌beliefs‌ ‌about‌‌
life‌‌and‌‌people‌‌around‌‌us.‌‌We‌‌saw‌‌nothing‌‌was‌‌safe,‌‌certain‌‌or‌‌secure.‌‌We‌‌were‌‌always‌‌at‌‌risk.‌‌By‌ ‌
following‌ ‌these‌ ‌harsh‌ ‌rules‌ ‌and‌ ‌directives‌ ‌we‌ ‌came‌ ‌close‌ ‌to‌ ‌being‌ ‌"buried‌ ‌alive"‌ ‌by‌ ‌our‌ ‌illness.‌‌

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When‌ ‌we‌ ‌finally‌ ‌left‌ ‌our‌ ‌alcoholic‌ ‌family,‌ ‌we‌ ‌seemed‌ ‌destined‌ ‌to‌ ‌feel‌ ‌the‌ ‌seemingly‌ ‌endless‌‌
negative‌ ‌consequences‌ ‌of‌ ‌the‌ ‌sick‌ ‌lessons‌ ‌we‌ ‌were‌ ‌taught‌ ‌in‌ ‌an‌ ‌insane‌ ‌and‌ ‌unloving‌ ‌family‌‌
environment.‌ ‌ ‌

As‌ ‌ACoA’s‌ ‌we‌ ‌have‌ ‌many‌ ‌problems‌ ‌in‌ ‌common,‌ ‌but‌ ‌our‌ ‌problems‌ ‌can‌ ‌be‌ ‌dealt‌ ‌with.‌ ‌The‌‌
most‌ ‌universal‌ ‌or‌ ‌frequently‌ ‌experienced‌ ‌of‌ ‌these‌ ‌problems‌ ‌are‌‌described‌‌in‌‌the‌‌ACoA‌‌Laundry‌‌
List.‌ ‌ ‌

The‌‌Nature‌‌of‌‌Our‌‌Problems‌ ‌

The‌‌typical‌‌adult‌‌child‌‌of‌‌an‌‌alcoholic‌‌has‌‌a‌‌number‌‌of‌‌troubling‌‌and‌‌distressing‌‌issues.‌‌This‌‌
is‌ ‌understandable‌ ‌given‌ ‌the‌ ‌toxic‌ ‌nature‌ ‌of‌ ‌our‌ ‌early‌ ‌family‌ ‌life.‌ ‌The‌ ‌unique‌ ‌combination‌ ‌of‌‌
problems‌ ‌that‌ ‌ACoA’s‌ ‌must‌ ‌deal‌ ‌with‌ ‌presents‌ ‌a‌ ‌special‌ ‌challenge‌ ‌to‌ ‌the‌ ‌self-help‌ ‌recovery‌‌
process.‌ ‌While‌ ‌most‌ ‌programmes‌ ‌concentrate‌ ‌on‌ ‌a‌ ‌single‌ ‌problem‌ ‌such‌ ‌as‌ ‌alcohol,‌ ‌food‌ ‌or‌‌
gambling,‌‌the‌‌ACoA‌‌program‌ ‌addresses‌‌a‌‌broad‌‌spectrum‌‌of‌‌difficulties‌‌ranging‌‌from‌‌deep‌‌fear‌‌of‌‌
intimacy,‌ ‌to‌ ‌people‌ ‌pleasing,‌ ‌to‌ ‌extreme‌ ‌guilt‌ ‌when‌ ‌standing‌ ‌up‌ ‌for‌ ‌one's‌ ‌beliefs.‌ ‌In‌ ‌the‌ ‌ACoA‌‌
programme‌ ‌the‌ ‌focus‌ ‌is‌ ‌on‌ ‌understanding,‌ ‌accepting‌ ‌and‌ ‌eventually‌ ‌changing‌ ‌our‌ ‌self-defeating‌‌
behaviour.‌‌In‌‌our‌‌recovery‌‌most‌‌of‌‌us‌‌have‌‌to‌ ‌contend‌‌with‌‌many‌‌kinds‌‌of‌‌entrenched‌‌behaviour:‌ ‌ ‌

1. Stuffing‌‌our‌‌feelings‌‌and/or‌‌being‌‌unable‌‌to‌‌express‌‌them.‌ ‌ ‌
2. Going‌‌to‌‌great‌‌lengths‌‌to‌‌avoid‌‌feelings‌‌of‌‌abandonment‌‌and‌‌rejection.‌ ‌ ‌
3. Isolating‌‌and‌‌being‌‌fearful‌‌of‌‌people,‌‌especially‌‌authority‌‌figures.‌‌ ‌
4. Acting‌‌as‌‌people-pleasers‌‌and‌‌losing‌‌our‌‌identity‌‌in‌‌the‌‌process.‌ ‌ ‌
5. Experiencing‌‌guilt‌‌feelings‌‌whenever‌‌we‌‌stand‌‌up‌‌for‌‌ourselves.‌ ‌ ‌
6. Reacting‌‌rather‌‌than‌‌acting.‌ ‌ ‌

Even‌ ‌more‌ ‌limiting‌ ‌is‌ ‌the‌ ‌fact‌ ‌that‌ ‌many‌ ‌ACoA’s‌ ‌tend‌ ‌to‌ ‌live‌ ‌life‌ ‌from‌ ‌the‌ ‌viewpoint‌ ‌of‌‌
victims‌ ‌and‌ ‌are‌ ‌drawn‌ ‌to‌ ‌people‌ ‌with‌ ‌similar‌ ‌lifestyles.‌ ‌In‌ ‌recovery‌ ‌ACoA’s‌ ‌learn‌ ‌that‌ ‌in‌ ‌their‌‌
childhood‌‌years‌‌they‌ ‌were‌‌indeed‌‌the‌‌most‌‌innocent‌‌of‌‌victims.‌‌They‌‌were‌‌deeply‌‌harmed,‌‌but‌‌the‌‌
damage‌ ‌is‌ ‌not‌ ‌irreparable.‌ ‌ACoA‌ ‌meetings‌ ‌put‌ ‌us‌ ‌in‌ ‌touch‌ ‌with‌ ‌who‌ ‌we‌ ‌really‌ ‌are.‌ ‌When‌ ‌a‌‌
newcomer‌ ‌to‌ ‌ACoA‌ ‌reads‌ ‌the‌ ‌Laundry‌‌List‌‌and‌‌recognizes‌‌how‌‌accurately‌‌it‌‌describes‌‌his‌‌or‌‌her‌‌
life,‌ ‌a‌ ‌new‌ ‌awareness‌ ‌is‌ ‌born.‌ ‌It's‌ ‌like‌ ‌spirit‌ ‌calling‌ ‌to‌ ‌spirit.‌ ‌The‌ ‌newcomer‌ ‌hears‌ ‌a‌ ‌message‌ ‌of‌‌
hope.‌ ‌Some‌‌have‌‌said‌‌that‌‌the‌‌Laundry‌‌List‌‌is‌‌like‌‌a‌‌child‌‌calling‌‌out‌‌to‌‌a‌‌child‌‌for‌‌support.‌‌Most‌‌
newcomers‌‌quickly‌‌identify‌‌with‌‌both‌‌the‌‌elements‌‌of‌‌the‌‌Laundry‌‌List‌‌and‌‌also‌‌with‌‌the‌‌sharing‌‌

‌
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of‌ ‌the‌ ‌ACoA‌ ‌group.‌ ‌On‌ ‌a‌ ‌fundamental‌ ‌level‌ ‌they‌ ‌come‌ ‌to‌ ‌realize‌ ‌that‌ ‌part‌ ‌of‌ ‌the‌ ‌process‌ ‌of‌‌
recovery‌ ‌involves‌ ‌finding‌ ‌themselves‌ ‌through‌ ‌the‌ ‌sharing‌ ‌of‌‌others,‌‌and‌‌eventually‌‌through‌‌their‌‌
own‌‌participation.‌‌Newcomers‌‌listen‌‌and‌‌begin‌‌to‌ ‌understand‌‌that‌‌for‌‌the‌‌first‌‌time‌‌in‌‌their‌‌lives‌‌
they‌ ‌have‌ ‌a‌ ‌real‌ ‌chance‌ ‌to‌ ‌recover‌ ‌and‌ ‌be‌ ‌whole.‌ ‌They‌ ‌have‌ ‌an‌ ‌opportunity‌ ‌to‌ ‌experience‌‌
supportive,‌‌non-punishing,‌‌non-judgmental‌‌family‌‌activity.‌ ‌ ‌

Like‌‌everyone‌‌else‌‌in‌‌the‌‌world,‌‌ACoA’s‌‌need‌‌to‌‌be‌‌free‌‌to‌‌reveal‌‌what‌‌is‌‌happening‌‌to‌‌them‌‌
and‌ ‌where‌ ‌they‌ ‌are‌ ‌in‌ ‌their‌ ‌life‌ ‌journey‌‌-‌‌without‌‌having‌‌to‌‌edit‌‌or‌‌conceal.‌‌For‌‌years‌‌or‌‌decades‌‌
many‌ ‌ACoA’s‌ ‌have,‌ ‌out‌ ‌of‌ ‌a‌ ‌sense‌ ‌of‌ ‌self-preservation,‌ ‌carefully‌ ‌guarded‌ ‌their‌ ‌thoughts‌ ‌and‌‌
feelings.‌‌ACoA‌‌helps‌‌to‌‌dissolve‌‌the‌‌resistance‌‌and‌‌dispel‌‌the‌‌loneliness‌‌and‌‌isolation‌‌that‌‌blocked‌‌
us.‌ ‌ ‌

Over‌‌the‌‌years‌‌people‌‌in‌‌self-help‌‌programmes‌‌have‌‌suggested‌‌that‌‌a‌‌workable‌‌solution‌‌can‌‌
only‌ ‌come‌ ‌out‌ ‌of‌ ‌an‌ ‌accurate‌ ‌definition‌ ‌of‌ ‌the‌ ‌problems.‌ ‌The‌ ‌Laundry‌ ‌List‌ ‌seems‌ ‌to‌ ‌be‌ ‌a‌‌
reasonably‌ ‌precise‌ ‌depiction‌‌of‌‌the‌‌nature‌‌of‌‌our‌‌problems,‌‌and‌‌members‌‌feel‌‌that‌‌it‌‌is‌‌beneficial‌‌
to‌ ‌the‌ ‌group‌ ‌to‌ ‌have‌ ‌this‌ ‌list‌ ‌of‌ ‌problems‌ ‌read‌ ‌at‌ ‌the‌ ‌beginning‌ ‌of‌ ‌each‌ ‌meeting.‌ ‌It‌ ‌sharpens‌‌
everyone's‌‌focus,‌‌creates‌‌an‌ ‌invisible‌‌but‌‌palpable‌‌bond‌‌and‌‌encourages‌‌the‌‌process‌‌of‌‌opening‌‌up‌‌
to‌‌the‌‌painful‌‌feelings‌‌within.‌ ‌ ‌

Feelings‌‌ ‌

Most‌ ‌ACoA’s‌ ‌are‌ ‌masters‌ ‌at‌ ‌avoiding‌ ‌feelings.‌ ‌We‌ ‌will‌ ‌go‌ ‌to‌ ‌great‌ ‌lengths‌ ‌not‌ ‌to‌ ‌feel‌ ‌our‌‌
feelings.‌ ‌It's‌ ‌really‌ ‌difficult‌ ‌for‌‌ACoA’s‌‌to‌‌grasp‌‌the‌‌reality‌‌that‌‌feelings‌‌are‌‌neither‌‌good‌‌nor‌‌bad‌‌
but‌‌experiencing‌‌them‌‌fully‌‌is‌‌essential‌‌to‌‌the‌‌process‌‌of‌‌recovery.‌‌This‌‌is‌‌especially‌‌hard‌‌because‌‌
most‌ ‌recovery‌ ‌programmes‌ ‌operate‌ ‌on‌ ‌the‌ ‌premise‌ ‌that‌ ‌the‌ ‌individual‌ ‌attends‌ ‌meetings‌ ‌to‌ ‌feel‌‌
better.‌ ‌But‌ ‌in‌ ‌ACoA,‌ ‌when‌ ‌we‌ ‌go‌ ‌to‌ ‌meetings,‌ ‌we‌ ‌are‌ ‌more‌ ‌likely‌ ‌to‌ ‌feel‌ ‌worse‌ ‌because‌ ‌we‌ ‌are‌‌
being‌‌opened‌‌up‌‌to‌‌strong‌‌feelings.‌ ‌ ‌

The‌‌members‌‌of‌‌an‌‌alcoholic‌‌family‌‌learn‌‌to‌‌feel‌‌shame‌‌for‌‌what‌‌they‌‌are‌‌and‌‌guilt‌‌for‌‌what‌‌
they‌‌do,‌‌and‌‌this‌‌is‌‌an‌‌ever-present‌‌theme‌‌in‌‌ACoA‌‌sharing.‌‌Like‌‌other‌‌ACoA’s,‌‌I‌‌had‌‌to‌‌learn‌‌that‌‌
what‌ ‌I‌ ‌feel‌ ‌about‌ ‌myself‌ ‌and‌ ‌how‌ ‌I‌ ‌perceive‌ ‌myself‌ ‌isn't‌ ‌necessarily‌ ‌accurate.‌ ‌In‌‌my‌‌early‌‌days‌‌I‌‌
had‌ ‌a‌ ‌terrible‌ ‌time‌ ‌with‌ ‌my‌ ‌estimate‌ ‌of‌ ‌myself.‌ ‌My‌ ‌angry‌ ‌self-loathing‌ ‌was‌ ‌engaged‌ ‌in‌ ‌a‌ ‌fierce‌‌
struggle‌ ‌with‌ ‌the‌ ‌recovery‌ ‌process.‌ ‌My‌ ‌parents'‌ ‌definition‌ ‌of‌ ‌me‌ ‌needed‌ ‌to‌‌be‌‌neutralized.‌‌I‌‌was‌‌
desperate‌‌to‌‌discover‌‌the‌‌real‌‌me,‌‌but‌‌the‌‌harsh,‌‌negative‌‌attitudes‌‌I‌‌clung‌‌to‌‌about‌‌myself‌‌formed‌‌

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an‌‌almost‌‌impenetrable‌‌barrier.‌‌I‌‌felt‌‌that‌‌there‌‌was‌‌something‌‌so‌‌wrong‌‌with‌‌me‌‌that‌‌I‌‌needed‌‌to‌‌
be‌‌obliterated.‌‌This‌‌was‌ ‌only‌‌natural‌‌as‌‌I‌‌had‌‌been‌‌told‌‌again‌‌and‌‌again‌‌that‌‌I‌‌was‌‌terribly‌‌flawed‌‌
and‌ ‌stupid.‌ ‌During‌ ‌my‌ ‌early‌ ‌years‌ ‌I‌ ‌learned‌ ‌to‌‌be‌‌hyper-vigilant,‌‌always‌‌outside‌‌myself,‌‌carefully‌‌
scanning‌‌the‌‌external‌‌world‌‌for‌‌signs‌‌of‌‌danger‌‌to‌‌my‌‌brittle‌‌sense‌‌of‌‌self.‌‌ ‌

Part‌‌of‌‌my‌‌problem,‌‌like‌‌so‌‌many‌‌other‌‌ACoA’s,‌‌was‌‌my‌‌ability‌‌to‌‌stuff‌‌and‌‌ignore‌‌the‌‌really‌‌
strong‌‌feelings.‌‌Whenever‌‌I‌‌sensed‌‌any‌‌kind‌‌of‌‌abandonment‌‌or‌‌rejection,‌‌I‌‌would‌‌distract‌‌myself‌‌
by‌ ‌calling‌ ‌someone‌ ‌or‌ ‌by‌ ‌racing‌ ‌out‌ ‌to‌ ‌give‌ ‌support‌ ‌to‌ ‌someone‌ ‌else.‌ ‌Whenever‌ ‌I‌ ‌felt‌ ‌swamped‌‌
with‌‌feelings,‌‌I‌ ‌would‌‌grab‌‌for‌‌something‌‌external‌‌to‌‌draw‌‌my‌‌attention‌‌away,‌‌a‌‌friend,‌‌a‌‌movie,‌‌a‌‌
date,‌‌a‌‌party,‌‌television,‌‌a‌‌football‌‌game.‌‌It‌‌took‌‌me‌‌quite‌‌a‌‌while‌‌to‌‌understand‌‌that‌‌this‌‌seemingly‌‌
innocent‌‌behaviour‌‌was‌‌really‌‌part‌‌of‌‌my‌‌problem.‌‌I‌‌did‌‌not‌‌want‌‌to‌‌sit‌‌quietly‌‌and‌‌experience‌‌the‌‌
turbulent‌ ‌painful‌ ‌feelings.‌ ‌I‌ ‌was‌ ‌still‌ ‌trying‌ ‌to‌ ‌escape‌ ‌from‌ ‌or‌ ‌blunt‌ ‌my‌ ‌feelings.‌ ‌I‌ ‌resisted‌ ‌the‌‌
process‌‌of‌‌healing‌‌because‌‌it‌‌was‌‌so‌‌foreign‌‌to‌‌everything‌‌I‌‌had‌‌been‌‌taught‌‌growing‌‌up.‌ ‌ ‌

Additional‌‌Reading:‌‌Big‌‌Red‌‌Book‌‌–‌‌ACA‌‌is‌‌a‌‌Spiritual‌‌Not‌‌Religious‌‌Programme‌‌[Chapter‌‌5,‌‌page‌‌
75]‌‌ ‌

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Step‌‌3‌
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Made‌‌a‌‌decision‌‌to‌‌practice‌‌self-love‌‌and‌‌to‌‌trust‌‌in‌‌our‌‌Higher‌‌Power.‌ ‌
Instead‌‌of‌‌surrendering‌‌our‌‌lives‌‌to‌‌the‌‌sick‌‌parents‌‌that‌‌reside‌‌within‌‌us,‌‌we‌‌choose‌‌to‌‌put‌‌
our‌‌faith‌‌in‌‌a‌‌spiritual‌‌power‌‌greater‌‌than‌‌ourselves,‌‌however‌‌we‌‌choose‌‌to‌‌define‌‌It.‌‌In‌‌my‌‌efforts‌‌
to‌ ‌resolve‌ ‌the‌ ‌difficulties‌ ‌in‌ ‌my‌ ‌life,‌‌I‌‌recognized‌‌that‌‌I‌‌would‌‌have‌‌to‌‌accept‌‌myself‌‌and‌‌learn‌‌to‌‌
nurture‌‌myself.‌‌I‌‌found‌‌that‌‌I‌‌could‌‌no‌‌longer‌‌give‌‌myself‌‌a‌‌way‌‌to‌‌the‌‌needs‌‌or‌‌demands‌‌of‌‌others.‌ ‌ ‌

I‌ ‌used‌ ‌meditation‌ ‌and‌ ‌prayer‌ ‌to‌ ‌help‌ ‌me‌ ‌nurture‌ ‌and‌ ‌be‌ ‌patient‌ ‌and‌ ‌considerate‌ ‌with‌ ‌the‌‌
vulnerable‌‌human‌‌being‌‌hiding‌‌within‌‌me.‌‌As‌‌a‌‌starting‌‌point‌‌I‌‌visualized‌‌myself‌‌as‌‌a‌‌very‌‌young‌‌
boy‌ ‌and‌ ‌began‌ ‌to‌ ‌nurture‌ ‌and‌ ‌care‌ ‌for‌ ‌that‌ ‌lost,‌ ‌frightened‌ ‌little‌ ‌boy‌ ‌who‌ ‌went‌ ‌into‌ ‌hiding‌ ‌to‌‌
survive.‌ ‌ ‌

One‌‌of‌‌my‌‌approaches‌‌was‌‌to‌‌sit‌‌quietly‌‌for‌‌a‌‌few‌‌minutes‌‌each‌‌day,‌‌repeating‌‌the‌‌phrase,‌‌"I‌‌
love‌ ‌you,‌ ‌Little‌ ‌Tony."‌ ‌At‌ ‌first,‌ ‌I‌ ‌felt‌ ‌foolish‌ ‌about‌ ‌what‌ ‌I‌ ‌was‌ ‌doing,‌ ‌but‌ ‌soon‌ ‌I‌ ‌began‌ ‌to‌ ‌feel‌ ‌a‌‌
deeper‌‌appreciation‌‌for‌‌my‌‌inner‌‌child‌‌and‌‌what‌‌he‌‌had‌‌survived.‌‌Just‌‌as‌‌it‌‌is‌‌our‌‌Higher‌‌Power's‌ ‌
responsibility‌ ‌to‌ ‌give‌ ‌us‌ ‌unconditional‌ ‌love,‌ ‌it‌ ‌is‌ ‌our‌ ‌responsibility‌ ‌to‌ ‌give‌ ‌our‌ ‌child-self‌‌
unconditional‌ ‌love.‌ ‌ ‌

I‌‌also‌‌learned‌‌that‌‌this‌‌nurturing‌‌approach‌‌could‌‌help‌‌me‌‌heal‌‌the‌‌break‌‌with‌‌my‌‌parents.‌‌I‌‌
could‌ ‌sit‌ ‌in‌ ‌silence‌ ‌and‌ ‌visualize‌ ‌my‌ ‌father‌ ‌as‌ ‌a‌ ‌frightened,‌ ‌confused,‌ ‌defensive‌ ‌little‌ ‌boy‌ ‌(and‌‌
surely‌ ‌he‌ ‌was)‌ ‌and‌ ‌visualize‌ ‌myself‌ ‌hugging‌ ‌his‌ ‌little‌ ‌child.‌ ‌In‌ ‌my‌ ‌efforts‌ ‌to‌ ‌practice‌‌
self-acceptance‌ ‌and‌ ‌self‌ ‌appreciation,‌ ‌I‌ ‌began‌ ‌to‌ ‌discern‌ ‌healthy‌‌actions‌‌from‌‌unhealthy‌‌actions,‌‌
toxic‌ ‌people‌ ‌from‌ ‌accepting‌ ‌and‌ ‌sensible‌ ‌people,‌ ‌positive‌ ‌situations‌ ‌from‌ ‌negative‌ ‌ones,‌ ‌and‌ ‌to‌‌
take‌‌actions‌‌that‌‌moved‌‌me‌‌toward‌‌self-love.‌ ‌ ‌

Tony‌‌talks‌‌about‌‌how‌‌we‌‌can’t‌‌trust‌‌a‌‌Higher‌‌Power‌‌more‌‌than‌‌we‌‌can‌‌trust‌‌our‌‌own‌‌parents‌‌and‌‌that‌‌
trust‌‌is‌‌an‌‌ongoing‌‌process.‌‌One‌‌of‌‌the‌‌basic‌‌problems‌‌as‌ ‌an‌‌ACoA‌‌is‌‌the‌‌trust‌‌issue.‌‌This‌‌has‌‌to‌‌do‌‌with‌‌the‌‌
spiritual‌ ‌beginnings‌ ‌of‌ ‌children.‌ ‌Spiritual‌ ‌meanings‌ ‌progress‌‌in‌‌self-consciousness‌‌when‌‌the‌‌child‌‌transfers‌‌
it’s‌ ‌idea‌ ‌of‌ ‌omnipotence‌ ‌from‌ ‌its‌ ‌parent’s‌ ‌to‌ ‌God.‌ ‌The‌ ‌entire‌ ‌spiritual‌‌experience‌‌of‌‌such‌‌a‌‌child‌‌depends‌‌
largely‌‌on‌‌whether‌‌fear‌‌or‌‌love‌‌has‌‌dominated‌‌the‌‌parent/child‌‌relationship.‌ ‌ ‌

For‌‌ACoA’s‌‌fear‌‌is‌‌the‌‌dominant‌‌emotion‌‌that‌‌most‌‌of‌‌us‌‌were‌‌brought‌‌up‌‌in.‌‌That‌ ‌being‌‌the‌‌case,‌‌it‌‌
means‌‌to‌‌me‌‌that‌‌on‌‌a‌‌feeling‌‌level‌‌my‌‌spiritual‌‌experience‌‌can’t‌‌go‌‌any‌‌higher‌‌in‌‌trusting‌‌a‌‌Higher‌‌Power‌‌
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than‌‌we‌‌have‌‌gone‌‌with‌‌our‌‌parents.‌‌I‌‌could‌‌never‌‌depend‌‌on‌‌my‌‌parents‌‌to‌‌do‌‌anything‌‌consistent‌‌for‌‌me.‌ ‌
Since‌‌my‌‌spiritual‌‌experience‌‌can‌‌go‌‌no‌‌higher‌‌than‌‌the‌‌relationship‌‌I‌‌had‌‌with‌‌my‌‌parents,‌‌regarding‌‌either‌‌
fear‌‌or‌‌love‌‌I’m‌‌somewhat‌‌in‌‌trouble‌‌here‌‌.‌‌.‌‌.‌‌Instead‌ ‌of‌‌surrendering‌‌to‌‌the‌‌sick‌‌parents‌‌that‌‌reside‌‌within‌‌
us,‌‌we‌‌choose‌‌to‌‌put‌‌forth‌‌our‌‌faith‌‌in‌‌a‌‌spiritual‌‌power‌‌greater‌‌than‌‌ourselves‌‌however‌‌we‌‌choose‌‌to‌‌define‌ ‌
it.‌ ‌ ‌

In‌‌my‌‌efforts‌‌to‌‌define‌‌the‌‌spiritual‌‌difficulties‌‌in‌‌my‌‌life,‌‌I‌‌have‌‌to‌‌accept‌‌and‌‌nurture‌‌myself.‌‌I‌‌found‌‌
that‌‌I‌‌could‌‌no‌‌longer‌‌give‌‌myself‌‌away‌‌to‌‌the‌‌needs‌‌and‌ ‌demands‌‌of‌‌others.‌‌As‌‌difficult‌‌as‌‌it‌‌sounds‌‌for‌‌me,‌‌
trust,‌‌which‌‌is‌‌probably‌‌one‌‌of‌ ‌my‌‌most‌‌difficult‌‌issues,‌‌has‌‌to‌‌be‌‌basically‌‌a‌‌growth‌‌process,‌‌and‌‌it‌‌has‌‌to‌‌be‌‌
an‌‌ongoing‌‌process.‌‌Trust‌‌for‌‌me‌‌is‌‌not‌‌an‌‌event.‌‌This‌‌Higher‌‌Power‌‌has‌‌to‌‌prove‌ ‌itself‌‌over‌‌and‌‌over‌‌again‌‌
to‌‌me,‌‌almost‌‌on‌‌a‌‌daily‌‌basis.‌‌That‌‌it's‌‌guiding‌‌me‌‌and‌ ‌taking‌‌care‌‌of‌‌me‌‌and‌‌by‌‌that,‌‌I‌‌mean‌‌something‌‌to‌‌
it.‌ ‌Otherwise‌ ‌I‌ ‌need‌ ‌constant‌ ‌reassurance‌ ‌from‌ ‌my‌ ‌Higher‌ ‌Power,‌ ‌as‌ ‌a‌ ‌victim,‌ ‌which‌ ‌I‌‌believe‌‌we‌‌all‌‌are.‌‌
And‌ ‌as‌ ‌a‌ ‌damaged‌ ‌victim,‌ ‌I‌ ‌need‌ ‌constant‌ ‌reassurance‌ ‌that‌ ‌there‌ ‌is‌‌something‌‌in‌‌the‌‌invisible‌‌world‌‌that‌‌
loves‌ ‌me.‌ ‌The‌ ‌growth‌ ‌process‌ ‌I‌ ‌believe‌ ‌are‌ ‌these‌ ‌12‌ ‌Steps,‌ ‌are‌ ‌leading‌‌toward‌‌learning‌‌how‌‌to‌‌love‌‌myself‌‌
and‌‌to‌‌accept‌‌the‌‌love‌‌of‌‌this‌‌Higher‌‌Power.‌ ‌ ‌

(A.)‌ ‌

1.‌‌In‌‌which‌‌ways‌‌do‌‌I‌‌practice‌‌self-love?‌ ‌ ‌

2.‌‌Do‌‌I‌‌trust‌‌my‌‌Higher‌‌Power‌‌more‌‌or‌‌less‌‌than‌‌when‌‌I‌‌first‌‌started‌‌recovery?‌‌ ‌

‌
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3.‌‌Does‌‌my‌‌Higher‌‌Power‌‌love‌‌me‌‌unconditionally?‌‌Explain.‌ ‌ ‌

4.‌‌What‌‌does‌‌my‌‌Higher‌‌Power‌‌want‌‌for‌‌me?‌‌(Meditate‌‌on‌‌this‌‌for‌‌5‌‌minutes‌‌and‌‌write‌‌down‌‌what‌ ‌
comes‌‌up‌‌during‌‌this‌‌period‌‌of‌‌silence.)‌ ‌ ‌

5.‌‌Has‌‌my‌‌Higher‌‌Power‌‌changed‌‌since‌‌entering‌‌ACoA‌‌recovery?‌‌What‌‌changed?‌ ‌

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The‌‌Process‌‌of‌‌Recovery‌ ‌ ‌

Recovery‌‌is‌‌complex.‌‌I'm‌‌sure‌‌no‌‌one‌‌in‌‌ACoA‌‌wants‌‌it‌‌to‌‌be‌‌that‌‌way,‌‌it‌‌just‌‌is.‌‌As‌‌M.‌‌Scott‌‌
Peck‌ ‌so‌‌abruptly‌‌began‌‌his‌‌book‌‌The‌‌Road‌‌Less‌‌Travelled,‌‌"Life‌‌is‌‌difficult!"‌‌And‌‌I'm‌‌sure‌‌that‌‌if‌‌
he‌ ‌were‌ ‌asked‌ ‌to‌ ‌describe‌ ‌life‌ ‌for‌ ‌ACoA’s,‌ ‌he‌ ‌might‌ ‌suggest‌ ‌that‌ ‌life‌ ‌is‌ ‌doubly‌ ‌difficult.‌ ‌Our‌‌
challenges‌ ‌as‌ ‌ACoA’s‌ ‌are‌ ‌many.‌‌Not‌‌the‌‌least‌‌of‌‌them‌‌is‌‌to‌‌recover‌‌the‌‌self‌‌we‌‌abandoned‌‌amidst‌‌
the‌‌tumult‌‌of‌‌an‌‌alcoholic‌‌family.‌‌Believe‌‌me,‌‌it‌‌can‌‌be‌‌accomplished.‌‌I‌‌know‌‌many‌‌who‌‌have‌‌done‌‌
it.‌ ‌ ‌

Recovery‌ ‌is‌ ‌a‌ ‌process.‌ ‌It‌ ‌is‌ ‌often‌ ‌painful,‌ ‌time-consuming,‌ ‌confusing‌ ‌and‌ ‌most‌ ‌of‌ ‌all‌‌
frustrating.‌ ‌Recovery‌ ‌is‌‌essentially‌‌a‌‌means‌‌of‌‌self-discovery‌‌and‌‌self-acceptance,‌‌and‌‌its‌‌ultimate‌‌
goal‌‌is‌‌self‌‌love.‌‌To‌‌this‌‌end‌‌the‌‌primary‌‌focus‌‌of‌‌the‌‌ACoA‌‌program‌‌of‌‌recovery‌‌is‌‌inward.‌ ‌ ‌

The‌ ‌programme‌‌asks‌‌the‌‌troubled‌‌ACoA‌‌to‌‌open‌‌up‌‌and‌‌experience‌‌those‌‌awful‌‌feelings‌‌of‌‌
fear,‌ ‌abandonment,‌ ‌rejection,‌ ‌rage,‌ ‌self-pity,‌ ‌sorrow‌ ‌-‌ ‌perhaps‌ ‌even‌ ‌wallow‌ ‌in‌ ‌them‌ ‌and‌ ‌literally‌‌
mourn‌‌the‌‌emptiness‌‌of‌‌a‌‌miserable‌‌childhood.‌‌Most‌‌ACoA’s‌‌resist‌‌this‌‌approach‌‌at‌‌first.‌‌We‌‌spent‌‌
so‌ ‌many‌ ‌years‌ ‌stuffing‌ ‌our‌ ‌feelings‌ ‌that‌ ‌it's‌ ‌unlikely‌ ‌we‌ ‌will‌ ‌suddenly‌ ‌welcome‌ ‌them‌ ‌with‌ ‌open‌‌
arms.‌ ‌ ‌

In‌ ‌recovery‌ ‌I‌ ‌discovered‌ ‌that‌ ‌I‌ ‌had‌ ‌to‌ ‌clear‌ ‌some‌ ‌kind‌ ‌of‌‌path‌‌through‌‌my‌‌self-destructive‌‌
behaviour‌ ‌so‌ ‌that‌ ‌the‌ ‌spirituality‌ ‌of‌ ‌the‌ ‌programme‌ ‌could‌ ‌reach‌ ‌me‌ ‌and‌ ‌lighten‌ ‌my‌ ‌burden.‌‌
Somehow,‌‌I‌‌had‌‌to‌‌be‌ ‌emptied‌‌of‌‌all‌‌the‌‌sickness‌‌I‌‌had‌‌created.‌‌I‌‌desperately‌‌needed‌‌some‌‌clarity,‌‌
and‌ ‌I‌ ‌intuitively‌ ‌knew‌ ‌that‌ ‌I‌ ‌could‌ ‌find‌‌some‌‌of‌‌it‌‌in‌‌a‌‌spiritual‌‌approach.‌‌I‌‌have‌‌never,‌‌however,‌‌
been‌ ‌one‌ ‌who‌ ‌believed‌ ‌that‌ ‌there‌ ‌is‌ ‌only‌ ‌one‌ ‌path‌ ‌to‌ ‌recovery.‌ ‌There‌ ‌are‌ ‌many,‌ ‌and‌ ‌the‌ ‌ACoA‌‌
recovery‌‌programme‌‌is‌‌just‌‌one‌ ‌of‌‌those‌‌paths.‌ ‌ ‌

Newcomers‌‌to‌‌ACoA‌‌generally‌‌begin‌‌the‌‌journey‌‌by‌‌identifying‌‌with‌‌the‌‌common‌‌problems‌‌
and‌‌relating‌‌closely‌‌to‌‌the‌‌experiences‌‌and‌‌behaviour‌‌shared‌‌by‌‌group‌‌members.‌‌They‌‌see‌‌that‌‌we‌‌
all‌‌have‌‌much‌‌in‌‌common‌‌and‌‌begin‌‌to‌‌want‌‌to‌‌know‌‌more.‌‌One‌‌of‌‌the‌‌greatest‌‌tools‌‌available‌‌to‌‌
both‌ ‌newcomers‌ ‌and‌ ‌regular‌ ‌members‌ ‌is‌ ‌the‌ ‌wealth‌ ‌of‌ ‌literature‌ ‌now‌ ‌available‌ ‌about‌ ‌the‌‌ACoA‌ ‌
syndrome.‌‌A‌‌number‌‌of‌‌practical‌‌and‌‌insightful‌‌books‌‌have‌‌been‌‌published‌‌over‌‌the‌‌past‌‌decade‌‌by‌ ‌
such‌‌forward-thinking‌‌professionals‌‌as‌‌Janet‌‌Woititz,‌‌Claudia‌‌Black‌‌and‌‌Bob‌‌Earll,‌‌to‌‌name‌‌just‌‌a‌‌
few.‌ ‌Most‌‌professionals‌‌endorse‌‌attendance‌‌at‌‌ACoA‌‌meetings.‌ ‌ ‌

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 Awareness‌ ‌of‌ ‌our‌ ‌illness‌ ‌and‌ ‌how‌ ‌it‌ ‌defeats‌ ‌us‌ ‌over‌ ‌and‌ ‌over‌ ‌again‌ ‌is‌ ‌critical‌ ‌to‌ ‌personal‌‌
recovery.‌‌The‌‌basic‌‌tools‌‌are‌‌the‌‌Problem/Solution,‌‌published‌‌literature‌‌and‌‌the‌‌inspired‌‌sharing‌‌of‌‌
fellow‌ ‌ACoA’s.‌ ‌Some‌ ‌meetings‌ ‌may‌ ‌be‌ ‌quite‌ ‌upsetting‌ ‌to‌ ‌newcomers.‌ ‌Strong‌ ‌emotions‌ ‌are‌‌
frequently‌ ‌expressed,‌ ‌often‌ ‌explosively.‌ ‌These‌ ‌can‌ ‌be‌‌experienced‌‌as‌‌threatening‌‌and‌‌may‌‌stir‌‌up‌‌
long-buried‌ ‌feelings.‌‌Newcomers‌‌may‌‌also‌‌be‌‌witness‌‌to‌‌an‌‌intimidating‌‌level‌‌of‌‌anger‌‌and‌‌pain.‌ ‌ ‌

Early‌‌recovery‌‌follows‌‌this‌‌general‌‌pattern:‌ ‌ ‌

1. Emerging‌‌awareness‌‌of‌‌the‌‌many‌‌ways‌‌in‌‌which‌‌the‌‌illness‌‌affected‌‌us.‌ ‌ ‌
2. The‌‌surfacing‌‌of‌‌long-buried‌‌feelings‌‌and‌‌recall‌‌of‌‌painful‌‌childhood‌‌memories.‌ ‌ ‌
3. A‌‌recognition‌‌of‌‌a‌‌powerful‌‌anger‌‌or‌‌sorrow‌‌at‌‌being‌‌robbed‌‌of‌‌a‌‌healthy‌‌childhood.‌ ‌ ‌
4. A‌‌willingness‌‌to‌‌experience‌‌in‌‌depth‌‌the‌‌rage‌‌and‌‌eventual‌‌grief‌‌that‌‌usually‌‌attends‌‌a‌ ‌
fuller‌‌understanding‌‌of‌‌how,‌‌as‌‌innocent‌‌children,‌‌we‌‌were‌‌neglected‌‌or‌‌violated.‌‌ ‌

Unbridled‌ ‌rage‌ ‌and‌ ‌grief‌ ‌are‌ ‌usually‌ ‌difficult‌ ‌to‌ ‌observe‌ ‌and‌ ‌even‌ ‌more‌ ‌difficult‌ ‌to‌‌
experience.‌ ‌Yet‌ ‌they‌ ‌are‌ ‌essential‌ ‌experiential‌ ‌steps‌ ‌in‌‌the‌‌recovery‌‌process.‌‌In‌‌my‌‌own‌‌recovery,‌‌
and‌ ‌in‌ ‌the‌ ‌experiences‌ ‌related‌ ‌to‌ ‌me‌ ‌by‌ ‌hundreds‌ ‌of‌ ‌other‌ ‌ACoA’s,‌ ‌the‌ ‌inward‌ ‌trip‌ ‌to‌ ‌recovery‌‌
generally‌ ‌involves‌ ‌experiencing‌ ‌our‌ ‌feelings.‌ ‌It‌ ‌is‌ ‌critical‌ ‌that‌ ‌we‌ ‌open‌ ‌ourselves‌ ‌up‌ ‌to‌ ‌such‌‌
frightening‌ ‌and‌ ‌threatening‌‌feelings‌‌as‌‌rage,‌‌depression‌‌and‌‌abandonment.‌‌It‌‌is‌‌essential‌‌that‌‌we‌‌
sit‌‌with‌‌and‌‌experience‌‌whatever‌‌elements‌‌of‌‌pain‌‌and‌‌hurt‌‌surface.‌ ‌ ‌

Many‌ ‌times,‌ ‌I‌ ‌wished‌ ‌there‌ ‌was‌ ‌an‌ ‌easier‌ ‌way.‌ ‌But‌ ‌I‌ ‌don't‌ ‌believe‌ ‌that‌ ‌true‌ ‌recovery‌ ‌can‌‌
occur‌ ‌without‌ ‌a‌ ‌profound‌ ‌and‌ ‌inspired‌ ‌understanding‌ ‌of‌ ‌who‌ ‌we‌ ‌are‌ ‌as‌ ‌individuals,‌ ‌and‌ ‌the‌‌
knowledge‌ ‌that‌ ‌who‌ ‌we‌ ‌are‌ ‌is‌ ‌perfectly‌ ‌acceptable‌ ‌and‌ ‌worthy‌ ‌of‌ ‌love.‌ ‌Until‌ ‌I‌ ‌commenced‌‌
recovery,‌ ‌I‌ ‌had‌ ‌been‌‌my‌ ‌own‌‌merciless‌‌judge,‌‌jury‌‌and‌‌executioner.‌‌I‌‌had‌‌never‌‌had‌‌a‌‌loving‌‌and‌‌
nourishing‌‌model‌‌to‌‌follow,‌ ‌and‌‌I‌‌learned‌‌not‌‌to‌‌trust‌‌my‌‌feelings.‌‌In‌‌ACoA‌‌I‌‌realized‌‌that‌‌I‌‌had‌‌to‌‌
make‌‌a‌‌beginning‌‌at‌‌listening‌‌to‌ ‌my‌‌emerging‌‌intuitive‌‌feelings.‌ ‌ ‌

React‌‌or‌‌Act‌ ‌

I‌‌had‌‌been‌‌so‌‌conditioned‌‌to‌‌the‌‌role‌‌of‌‌reactor‌‌that‌‌I‌‌really‌‌did‌‌not‌‌know‌‌how‌‌to‌‌act‌‌on‌‌my‌‌
own‌ ‌best‌ ‌behalf.‌ ‌Before‌ ‌ACoA‌ ‌I‌ ‌had‌ ‌always‌‌fashioned‌‌my‌‌behaviour‌‌to‌‌gain‌‌approval,‌‌validation,‌‌
praise‌‌and‌‌acceptance.‌‌How‌‌I‌‌felt‌‌about‌‌myself‌‌and‌‌my‌‌needs‌‌was‌‌of‌‌little‌‌consequence.‌‌In‌‌short,‌‌I‌‌
was‌‌a‌ ‌consummate‌‌people‌‌pleaser.‌ ‌ ‌

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 In‌ ‌recovery‌ ‌this‌ ‌posture‌ ‌had‌ ‌to‌ ‌be‌ ‌corrected.‌ ‌When‌ ‌I‌ ‌started‌ ‌acting‌ ‌to‌ ‌serve‌ ‌my‌ ‌own‌ ‌best‌‌
interests,‌‌I‌ ‌felt‌‌terribly‌‌guilty.‌‌I‌‌was‌‌saying‌‌yes‌‌to‌‌a‌‌healthy‌‌me‌‌that‌‌was‌‌beginning‌‌to‌‌emerge,‌‌and‌‌
it‌ ‌was‌ ‌all‌ ‌very‌ ‌uncomfortable.‌ ‌I‌ ‌had‌ ‌been‌ ‌desperately‌ ‌dependent‌ ‌on‌ ‌others‌ ‌and‌ ‌I‌ ‌didn't‌ ‌like‌ ‌to‌‌
disappoint‌‌them.‌‌But‌‌I‌‌kept‌‌at‌‌the‌‌process-timidly‌‌at‌‌first,‌‌but‌‌with‌‌more‌‌conviction‌‌and‌‌strength‌‌
as‌‌time‌‌passed.‌ ‌ ‌

None‌ ‌of‌ ‌these‌ ‌actions‌‌would‌‌have‌‌been‌‌possible‌‌without‌‌the‌‌loving‌‌support‌‌of‌‌other‌‌ACoA‌‌

members.‌‌They‌‌supplied‌‌me‌‌with‌‌an‌‌awareness‌‌of‌‌the‌‌deceptiveness‌‌of‌‌my‌‌illness‌‌and‌‌they‌‌gave‌‌me‌ ‌
unconditional‌‌love‌‌and‌‌acceptance‌‌as‌‌I‌‌made‌‌my‌‌troubled‌‌journey‌‌into‌‌self-recovery.‌‌I‌‌truly‌‌believe‌ ‌
that‌ ‌a‌ ‌spiritual‌ ‌force‌ ‌was‌ ‌working‌ ‌through‌ ‌all‌ ‌those‌ ‌who‌ ‌were‌ ‌supporting‌ ‌my‌ ‌painful‌ ‌recovery.‌‌
They‌‌offered‌‌nourishment‌‌rather‌‌than‌‌criticism.‌‌Though‌‌I’ve‌‌judged‌‌myself‌‌harshly,‌‌they‌‌accepted‌‌
me‌ ‌and‌ ‌related‌ ‌to‌ ‌my‌ ‌humanity.‌ ‌Slowly‌ ‌I‌ ‌learned‌ ‌to‌ ‌change‌ ‌my‌ ‌old‌ ‌attitudes‌ ‌and‌ ‌destructive‌‌
patterns.‌ ‌I‌ ‌struggled‌ ‌daily‌ ‌to‌ ‌keep‌ ‌the‌ ‌focus‌ ‌on‌ ‌myself‌ ‌and‌ ‌my‌ ‌issues,‌ ‌though‌ ‌the‌ ‌urge‌ ‌to‌ ‌give‌‌
advice‌‌and‌‌"fix"‌‌someone‌‌else‌‌was‌‌almost‌‌always‌‌present.‌ ‌ ‌

My‌ ‌need‌ ‌to‌ ‌control‌ ‌people‌ ‌surfaced‌ ‌early‌ ‌as‌ ‌a‌ ‌major‌‌issue‌‌in‌‌my‌‌recovery,‌‌as‌‌it‌‌does‌‌for‌‌so‌‌
many‌ ‌others‌ ‌in‌ ‌ACoA.‌ ‌I‌ ‌wanted‌ ‌to‌ ‌be‌ ‌the‌ ‌authority,‌ ‌and‌ ‌sometimes‌ ‌I‌ ‌resisted‌ ‌the‌ ‌sharing‌ ‌and‌‌
suggestion‌ ‌from‌ ‌others.‌ ‌I‌ ‌was‌ ‌telling‌ ‌others‌ ‌and‌ ‌myself‌ ‌that‌ ‌a‌ ‌spiritual‌ ‌force‌ ‌was‌ ‌my‌ ‌ultimate‌‌
authority,‌ ‌yet‌ ‌I‌ ‌was‌ ‌loathing‌ ‌to‌ ‌let‌ ‌go‌ ‌of‌ ‌my‌ ‌efforts‌ ‌to‌ ‌control‌ ‌the‌ ‌people‌ ‌and‌ ‌events‌ ‌in‌ ‌my‌ ‌life.‌‌
Finally,‌ ‌through‌ ‌prayer,‌ ‌meditation,‌ ‌working‌ ‌the‌ ‌steps‌ ‌of‌ ‌recovery‌ ‌and‌ ‌consistent‌ ‌attendance‌ ‌at‌‌
meetings,‌ ‌I‌ ‌slowly‌ ‌began‌ ‌to‌ ‌experience‌ ‌some‌ ‌recovery.‌ ‌My‌ ‌thinking‌ ‌and‌ ‌my‌ ‌behaviour‌‌began‌‌to‌‌
shift.‌‌Fear‌‌and‌‌anxiety,‌‌the‌ ‌cornerstones‌‌of‌‌my‌‌disease,‌‌began‌‌to‌‌lessen.‌‌I‌‌began‌‌to‌‌relate‌‌to‌‌myself‌‌
and‌‌others‌‌in‌‌a‌‌gentler‌‌and‌‌more‌‌vulnerable‌‌manner.‌‌I‌‌continued‌‌to‌‌share‌‌at‌‌meetings‌‌and‌‌became‌‌
increasingly‌‌more‌‌willing‌‌to‌‌sit‌‌quietly‌‌with‌‌my‌‌turbulent‌‌and‌‌painful‌‌feelings.‌‌In‌‌this‌‌way‌‌I‌‌gained‌‌
some‌‌valuable‌‌new‌‌insights.‌‌When‌‌I‌‌felt‌‌confident‌‌enough,‌‌I‌‌began‌‌to‌‌act‌‌on‌‌my‌‌new‌‌awareness.‌‌ ‌

Through‌ ‌it‌ ‌all‌ ‌I‌ ‌had‌ ‌setbacks,‌ ‌many‌ ‌of‌ ‌them.‌ ‌Sometimes‌ ‌I‌ ‌would‌ ‌slip‌ ‌back‌‌to‌‌old‌‌forceful,‌‌
judgmental‌ ‌behaviour‌ ‌and‌ ‌make‌ ‌a‌ ‌disruptive‌ ‌personal‌ ‌assault‌ ‌on‌ ‌whatever‌ ‌or‌ ‌whomever‌ ‌was‌‌
confronting‌ ‌me.‌ ‌And‌ ‌I‌ ‌always‌ ‌felt‌ ‌terrible‌ ‌after‌ ‌each‌ ‌episode,‌ ‌something‌ ‌akin‌ ‌to‌ ‌an‌ ‌emotional‌‌
hangover.‌ ‌I‌ ‌was‌ ‌fortunate,‌ ‌though,‌ ‌for‌ ‌I‌ ‌had‌ ‌a‌ ‌new‌ ‌family‌ ‌to‌ ‌turn‌ ‌to‌ ‌for‌ ‌help,‌ ‌not‌ ‌my‌ ‌intensely‌‌
dysfunctional‌ ‌family‌ ‌of‌ ‌origin.‌ ‌Now‌ ‌I‌ ‌had‌ ‌the‌ ‌consistent‌ ‌acceptance,‌ ‌support‌ ‌and‌‌concern‌‌of‌‌my‌‌
ACoA‌ ‌groups.‌ ‌They‌ ‌provided‌ ‌positive‌ ‌encouragement‌ ‌even‌ ‌when‌ ‌I‌ ‌was‌ ‌responding‌ ‌to‌ ‌some‌ ‌of‌‌
them‌‌as‌‌if‌‌they‌‌were‌‌my‌‌original‌ ‌father,‌‌mother‌‌and‌‌stepmother.‌ ‌ ‌

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 I'm‌‌convinced‌‌that‌‌my‌‌recovery‌‌is‌‌coming‌‌about‌‌because‌‌of‌‌three‌‌key‌‌factors:‌ ‌ ‌

1. My‌‌commitment‌‌to‌‌show‌‌up‌‌and‌‌do‌‌the‌‌work‌‌of‌‌recovery.‌ ‌ ‌
2. The‌‌love,‌‌acceptance‌‌and‌‌encouragement‌‌of‌‌my‌‌fellow‌‌ACoA‌‌members.‌ ‌ ‌
3. The‌ ‌grace‌ ‌of‌ ‌a‌ ‌spiritual‌ ‌power,‌ ‌who‌ ‌worked‌ ‌through‌ ‌other‌‌ACoA’s‌‌to‌‌give‌‌me‌‌a‌‌new‌‌
life.‌ ‌

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Reading‌‌4‌‌–‌‌The‌‌Recovery‌‌Process‌ ‌
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(Editor’s‌ ‌note:‌ ‌The‌‌writing‌‌of‌‌Tony‌‌A‌‌was‌‌done‌‌before‌‌ACA‌‌worldwide‌‌accepted‌‌the‌‌concept‌‌that‌ ‌

everything‌‌Tony‌‌A‌‌wrote‌‌about‌‌alcoholism‌‌and‌‌growing‌‌up‌‌in‌‌an‌‌alcoholic‌‌home‌‌was‌‌also‌‌true‌‌for‌ ‌
children‌ ‌who‌ ‌grew‌ ‌up‌ ‌in‌ ‌dysfunctional‌ ‌homes‌ ‌where‌ ‌addiction‌ ‌may‌ ‌not‌ ‌have‌ ‌been‌‌an‌‌issue.‌‌The‌‌
ACA‌ ‌Big‌ ‌Red‌ ‌Book‌ ‌identifies‌ ‌7‌ ‌types‌ ‌of‌ ‌upbringing‌ ‌that‌ ‌qualify‌ ‌as‌ ‌dysfunctional‌ ‌as‌ ‌follows:‌‌
“parents‌ ‌who‌ ‌were‌ ‌emotionally‌ ‌ill,‌ ‌hypochondriac,‌ ‌hypercritical,‌ ‌perfectionist,‌ ‌ultra-religious,‌ ‌or‌‌
sexually‌ ‌abusive.‌ ‌Adults‌ ‌who‌ ‌have‌ ‌been‌ ‌adopted‌ ‌or‌ ‌who‌ ‌grew‌ ‌up‌ ‌in‌ ‌foster‌ ‌homes‌ ‌relate‌ ‌to‌ ‌The‌‌
Laundry‌ ‌List‌ ‌as‌ ‌well‌ ‌and‌ ‌recover‌ ‌in‌ ‌ACA.”‌ ‌ACA‌‌Big‌‌Red‌‌Book,‌‌page‌‌4.‌‌When‌‌you‌‌see‌‌the‌‌words‌‌
alcoholic‌‌below,‌‌feel‌‌free‌‌to‌ ‌also‌‌substitute‌‌the‌‌word‌‌dysfunctional‌‌for‌‌a‌‌better‌‌understanding).‌ ‌ ‌

Family‌‌Drama‌ ‌

It’s‌‌very‌‌important‌‌for‌‌ACoA’s‌‌to‌‌understand‌‌that‌‌alcoholism‌‌is‌‌a‌‌family‌‌disease‌‌that‌‌distorts‌‌
all‌‌human‌‌relationships,‌‌those‌‌outside‌‌as‌‌well‌‌as‌‌those‌‌inside‌‌the‌‌family.‌‌As‌‌the‌‌alcoholic‌‌parent‌‌or‌ ‌
parents‌ ‌become‌ ‌enmeshed‌ ‌in‌ ‌the‌ ‌disease,‌ ‌efforts‌ ‌to‌ ‌maintain‌ ‌normalcy‌ ‌and‌ ‌healthy‌ ‌interactions‌ ‌
between‌ ‌family‌ ‌members‌ ‌disappear.‌ ‌Love,‌ ‌trust‌ ‌and‌ ‌acceptance‌ ‌are‌ ‌the‌ ‌prime‌ ‌casualties‌ ‌of‌ ‌
alcoholism.‌‌Fuelled‌‌by‌‌neglect,‌‌abuse‌‌or‌‌denial,‌‌the‌‌family‌‌usually‌‌enters‌‌an‌‌unmanageable‌‌stage‌‌in‌ ‌
which‌‌all‌‌members‌‌are‌‌in‌‌some‌‌way‌‌seriously‌‌affected.‌‌The‌‌desperate‌‌spouse‌‌and‌‌children‌‌all‌‌suffer‌ ‌
grave‌ ‌emotional‌ ‌stress‌ ‌in‌ ‌their‌ ‌efforts‌ ‌to‌ ‌adjust‌ ‌to‌ ‌the‌ ‌impossible‌ ‌demands‌ ‌and‌ ‌destructive‌‌
behaviour‌ ‌of‌‌the‌‌alcoholic.‌ ‌ ‌

Often‌‌the‌‌alcoholic‌‌family‌‌appears‌‌to‌‌be‌‌functioning‌‌normally.‌‌This‌‌is‌‌because‌‌it‌‌is‌‌drawing‌‌
upon‌ ‌an‌ ‌elaborate‌ ‌denial‌ ‌system‌ ‌to‌ ‌conceal‌ ‌the‌ ‌true‌ ‌force‌ ‌of‌ ‌the‌ ‌disease.‌ ‌Robbed‌ ‌of‌ ‌healthy,‌‌
nurturing‌ ‌role‌ ‌models,‌ ‌the‌ ‌children‌ ‌of‌ ‌an‌ ‌alcoholic‌ ‌household‌ ‌adopt‌ ‌the‌ ‌sick‌ ‌behaviour‌ ‌patterns‌‌
that‌‌they‌‌witness‌ ‌daily.‌‌All‌‌too‌‌soon‌‌the‌‌innocent‌‌young‌‌boy‌‌who‌‌is‌‌beaten‌‌and‌‌viciously‌‌criticized‌‌
by‌‌his‌‌raging,‌‌drunken‌‌father‌‌learns‌‌not‌‌to‌‌trust,‌‌to‌‌withdraw‌‌and‌‌to‌‌suppress‌‌feelings.‌‌He‌‌quickly‌‌
recognizes‌ ‌that‌ ‌life‌ ‌is‌ ‌not‌ ‌safe,‌ ‌and‌ ‌he‌ ‌begins‌ ‌to‌ ‌construct‌ ‌a‌ ‌series‌ ‌of‌ ‌inappropriate‌ ‌defence‌‌
measures‌‌to‌‌ensure‌‌his‌ ‌survival.‌‌Ironically‌‌these‌‌defences‌‌may‌‌include‌‌the‌‌same‌‌rage‌‌and‌‌criticism‌‌
he‌‌got‌‌from‌‌his‌‌father.‌‌ ‌

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 Spontaneity,‌ ‌initiative‌ ‌and‌‌high‌‌self-esteem‌‌are‌‌rare‌‌qualities‌‌among‌‌children‌‌of‌‌alcoholics.‌ ‌
Personality‌ ‌distortion‌ ‌can‌ ‌take‌ ‌many‌ ‌forms,‌ ‌and‌ ‌children‌ ‌of‌ ‌alcoholics‌ ‌are‌ ‌highly‌ ‌susceptible‌ ‌to‌‌
those‌‌that‌‌involve‌‌rigidity,‌‌inflexible‌‌beliefs,‌‌isolation,‌‌flash‌‌rage‌‌and‌‌morbid‌‌guilt.‌ ‌ ‌

A‌‌typical‌‌example‌‌is‌‌the‌‌young‌‌daughter‌‌of‌‌an‌‌alcoholic‌‌mother‌‌who‌‌at‌‌an‌‌early‌‌age‌‌assumes‌‌
the‌ ‌role‌ ‌of‌ ‌little‌ ‌mother‌ ‌and‌ ‌substitute‌ ‌wife.‌ ‌She‌ ‌buries‌ ‌her‌ ‌own‌ ‌healthy‌ ‌needs‌ ‌and‌ ‌exhibits‌ ‌an‌ ‌
overdeveloped‌ ‌sense‌ ‌of‌ ‌responsibility,‌ ‌serving‌ ‌everyone‌ ‌else’s‌ ‌needs‌ ‌except‌ ‌her‌ ‌own.‌ ‌She‌ ‌may‌ ‌
compensate‌ ‌for‌ ‌her‌ ‌mother’s‌ ‌outrageous‌ ‌neglect‌ ‌by‌ ‌feverishly‌ ‌cooking,‌ ‌cleaning,‌ ‌washing‌ ‌and‌ ‌
shopping‌ ‌for‌ ‌the‌ ‌younger‌ ‌children‌ ‌in‌ ‌the‌ ‌family.‌ ‌She‌ ‌literally‌ ‌sacrifices‌ ‌her‌ ‌energy‌ ‌and‌ ‌personal‌ ‌
development‌‌in‌‌response‌‌to‌‌the‌‌demands‌‌of‌‌the‌‌family‌‌disease.‌ ‌ ‌

Some‌ ‌ACoA’s‌ ‌take‌ ‌years‌ ‌to‌ ‌discover‌ ‌that‌ ‌the‌ ‌family‌ ‌was‌ ‌caught‌ ‌in‌ ‌the‌ ‌grip‌ ‌of‌ ‌such‌ ‌a‌‌
destructive‌ ‌disease‌‌while‌‌they‌‌were‌‌growing‌‌up.‌‌In‌‌many‌‌instances‌‌the‌‌family‌‌never‌‌acknowledges‌‌
or‌ ‌confronts‌‌the‌‌disease.‌‌Instead‌‌they‌‌engage‌‌in‌‌a‌‌conspiracy‌‌to‌‌“act‌‌normal”‌‌while‌‌concealing‌‌or‌‌
seemingly‌ ‌dismissing‌ ‌the‌ ‌insane‌ ‌drama‌ ‌motivated‌ ‌by‌ ‌alcoholism.‌ ‌Unfortunately,‌ ‌whether‌ ‌it‌ ‌is‌‌
muted‌‌denial‌‌or‌ ‌open‌‌family‌‌warfare,‌‌there‌‌is‌‌bound‌‌to‌‌be‌‌some‌‌long-lasting‌‌emotional‌‌fallout‌‌that‌‌
touches‌‌all‌‌members‌‌of‌‌the‌‌family.‌ ‌ ‌

How‌‌Parents‌‌Define‌‌the‌‌Child‌ ‌

Scientists‌ ‌and‌ ‌medical‌ ‌specialists‌ ‌state‌ ‌confidently‌ ‌that‌ ‌much‌ ‌of‌ ‌our‌ ‌sense‌ ‌of‌ ‌who‌ ‌we‌ ‌are‌‌
and‌ ‌our‌ ‌perceptions‌ ‌of‌ ‌how‌ ‌safe‌ ‌a‌‌place‌‌the‌‌world‌‌is‌‌are‌‌established‌‌in‌‌our‌‌early‌‌formative‌‌years,‌‌
before‌‌age‌‌four‌‌or‌‌five.‌‌We‌‌develop‌‌many‌‌of‌‌our‌‌most‌‌fundamental‌‌personality‌‌traits‌‌and‌‌behaviour‌‌
patterns‌‌during‌‌these‌‌critical‌‌early‌‌years.‌ ‌ ‌

Early‌ ‌in‌ ‌life‌ ‌we‌‌receive‌‌a‌‌constant‌‌flow‌‌of‌‌important‌‌communications‌‌from‌‌the‌‌people‌‌who‌‌

control‌ ‌our‌ ‌survival:‌ ‌our‌ ‌parents.‌ ‌Through‌ ‌these‌ ‌daily‌‌broadcasts‌‌we‌‌begin‌‌to‌‌form‌‌some‌‌general‌ ‌
impressions‌ ‌of‌ ‌who‌ ‌we‌ ‌are,‌ ‌how‌ ‌acceptable‌ ‌and‌ ‌enjoyable‌ ‌we‌ ‌are‌ ‌and‌ ‌how‌ ‌capable‌ ‌we‌ ‌are.‌ ‌At‌ ‌a‌ ‌
deeper,‌ ‌more‌ ‌complex‌ ‌level,‌ ‌largely‌ ‌communicated‌ ‌through‌ ‌touch,‌ ‌we‌ ‌are‌ ‌told‌ ‌how‌ ‌lovable‌ ‌and‌ ‌
valued‌‌we‌‌are‌‌as‌‌human‌‌beings.‌ ‌ ‌

In‌ ‌a‌ ‌healthy‌ ‌family‌ ‌environment,‌ ‌the‌ ‌children‌ ‌are‌ ‌shown‌ ‌consistent‌ ‌love‌ ‌and‌ ‌nurturing;‌‌
respect‌ ‌for‌ ‌the‌ ‌feelings‌ ‌and‌ ‌actions‌ ‌of‌ ‌all‌ ‌individuals‌ ‌is‌ ‌commonplace;‌ ‌the‌ ‌right‌ ‌to‌ ‌voice‌ ‌one’s‌‌
opinions‌ ‌and‌ ‌voice‌ ‌one’s‌ ‌needs‌ ‌directly‌ ‌(without‌ ‌fear)‌ ‌is‌ ‌assured;‌ ‌and‌ ‌healthy‌ ‌conflict‌ ‌and‌‌
confrontation‌ ‌are‌ ‌encouraged‌ ‌as‌ ‌part‌ ‌of‌ ‌the‌ ‌family‌ ‌communication‌ ‌system.‌ ‌As‌ ‌the‌ ‌child‌ ‌of‌ ‌two‌‌
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alcoholics‌‌I‌‌find‌‌this‌‌almost‌‌impossible‌‌to‌‌imagine.‌‌I‌‌am‌‌able‌‌to‌‌describe‌‌these‌‌essential‌‌elements‌‌
in‌‌great‌‌detail,‌‌but‌‌I‌‌can’t‌‌really‌ ‌feel‌‌how‌‌they‌‌so‌‌richly‌‌empower‌‌those‌‌who‌‌are‌‌raised‌‌that‌‌way.‌ ‌ ‌

Over‌‌the‌‌years‌‌I‌‌have‌‌heard‌‌hundreds‌‌of‌‌ACoA‌‌stories‌‌that‌‌described‌‌the‌‌sick‌‌and‌‌distorted‌‌
means‌‌that‌‌the‌‌parents‌‌and‌‌other‌‌family‌‌relatives‌‌used‌‌to‌‌give‌‌definition‌‌to‌‌the‌‌vulnerable‌‌children‌‌
of‌‌an‌‌alcoholic‌‌household.‌ ‌ ‌

Physical‌‌abuse,‌‌beatings,‌‌incest,‌‌scathing‌‌criticism,‌‌public‌‌ridicule,‌‌abandonment,‌‌emotional‌ ‌
remoteness,‌ ‌smothering‌ ‌control,‌ ‌scape-goating,‌ ‌silent‌ ‌scorn,‌ ‌tyrannical‌ ‌punishment‌ ‌and‌ ‌sexual‌ ‌
intimidation‌‌are‌‌just‌‌a‌‌few‌‌of‌‌the‌‌pathetic‌‌crimes‌‌committed‌‌by‌‌the‌‌alcoholic‌‌family.‌‌ ‌

They‌ ‌really‌ ‌are‌ ‌crimes‌ ‌and‌ ‌make‌ ‌no‌ ‌mistake,‌ ‌the‌ ‌children‌ ‌are‌ ‌truly‌ ‌victims.‌ ‌These‌ ‌early‌‌
wounds‌‌cause‌‌incredible‌‌injury‌‌to‌‌a‌‌child’s‌‌fragile‌‌sense‌‌of‌‌self-worth‌‌and‌‌self-esteem.‌‌There‌‌is‌‌no‌‌
safe‌ ‌passage‌ ‌to‌ ‌adulthood‌ ‌where‌ ‌a‌ ‌family‌ ‌is‌ ‌struggling‌ ‌with‌ ‌alcoholism‌ ‌or‌ ‌other‌
addictive/compulsive‌‌diseases.‌ ‌ ‌

One‌ ‌of‌ ‌the‌ ‌real‌ ‌tragedies‌ ‌of‌ ‌ACoA’s‌ ‌is‌ ‌how‌ ‌we‌ ‌discount‌ ‌and‌ ‌rationalize‌ ‌this‌ ‌alcoholic‌‌
behaviour.‌‌I‌‌have‌‌heard‌‌some‌‌ACoA’s‌‌dismiss‌‌the‌‌most‌‌horrendous‌‌neglect‌‌as‌‌reasonably‌‌minor.‌‌In‌‌
our‌‌effort‌‌to‌‌survive‌‌we‌‌internalize‌‌much‌‌of‌‌the‌‌family‌‌brutality‌‌and‌‌give‌‌it‌‌a‌‌new‌‌identity-such‌‌as,‌‌
“I‌ ‌only‌ ‌got‌ ‌hit‌ ‌when‌ ‌I‌ ‌really‌‌deserved‌‌it.”‌‌“What’s‌‌wrong‌‌with‌‌leaving‌‌me‌‌in‌‌a‌‌dark‌‌cellar‌‌for‌‌two‌‌
days?‌‌It‌‌really‌ ‌wasn’t‌‌that‌‌bad‌‌now‌‌that‌‌I‌‌think‌‌about‌‌it.”‌ ‌ ‌

Our‌‌Common‌‌Behaviour:‌‌Another‌‌Look‌‌at‌‌The‌‌Laundry‌‌List‌ ‌ ‌

When‌ ‌I‌ ‌wrote‌ ‌the‌ ‌original‌ ‌ACoA‌ ‌Problem/Solution,‌ ‌I‌ ‌prefaced‌ ‌the‌ ‌Problem‌‌section‌‌with‌‌a‌‌
simple‌‌statement:‌‌“These‌‌are‌‌characteristics‌‌we‌‌seem‌‌to‌‌have‌‌in‌‌common‌‌due‌‌to‌‌being‌‌brought‌‌up‌‌
in‌‌an‌ ‌alcoholic‌‌household.”‌ ‌ ‌

For‌‌months‌‌I‌‌had‌‌sat‌‌at‌‌meetings‌‌with‌‌other‌‌ACoA’s,‌‌listening‌‌to‌‌them‌‌sharing.‌‌Out‌‌of‌‌those‌‌
early‌ ‌meetings‌ ‌I‌ ‌managed‌ ‌to‌ ‌gain‌ ‌some‌ ‌perspective‌ ‌concerning‌ ‌the‌ ‌nature‌ ‌of‌ ‌our‌ ‌problems.‌ ‌I‌‌
wasn’t‌‌conducting‌‌a‌‌professional‌‌or‌‌scientific‌‌inquiry;‌‌I‌‌was‌‌merely‌‌participating‌‌and‌‌noticing‌‌how‌‌
all‌ ‌of‌ ‌us‌ ‌were‌ ‌linked‌ ‌by‌ ‌many‌ ‌common‌ ‌experiences‌ ‌and‌ ‌a‌ ‌series‌ ‌of‌ ‌behaviour‌ ‌patterns‌ ‌that‌ ‌was‌‌
creating‌ ‌great‌ ‌turbulence‌ ‌in‌ ‌our‌ ‌emotional‌ ‌lives.‌ ‌I‌ ‌also‌ ‌saw‌ ‌that‌ ‌our‌ ‌current‌ ‌problems‌ ‌had‌ ‌their‌‌
roots‌ ‌in‌ ‌the‌ ‌many‌ ‌ways‌ ‌we‌ ‌adapted‌ ‌and‌ ‌adjusted‌ ‌to‌ ‌the‌ ‌stress‌ ‌and‌ ‌pressures‌ ‌of‌ ‌our‌ ‌alcoholic‌‌
family.‌ ‌ ‌

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 Although‌ ‌it‌ ‌is‌ ‌unlikely‌ ‌that‌ ‌one‌ ‌person‌ ‌possesses‌ ‌all‌ ‌of‌ ‌the‌ ‌common‌ ‌characteristics‌ ‌or‌‌
behaviour‌ ‌patterns,‌ ‌it’s‌ ‌a‌ ‌rare‌ ‌ACoA‌ ‌who‌ ‌can’t‌ ‌identify‌ ‌with‌ ‌eight‌ ‌or‌ ‌nine‌ ‌of‌ ‌the‌ ‌14‌ ‌original‌‌
characteristics‌‌I‌‌set‌‌down.‌‌In‌‌the‌‌years‌‌since‌‌I‌‌first‌‌wrote‌‌them‌‌down,‌‌individual‌‌groups‌‌have‌‌made‌‌
some‌‌editorial‌‌alterations‌‌to‌‌the‌‌original‌‌characteristics,‌‌and‌‌quite‌‌a‌‌few‌‌professionals‌‌and‌‌writers‌‌
have‌ ‌excerpted,‌ ‌cited,‌ ‌embellished‌ ‌and‌ ‌paraphrased‌ ‌my‌ ‌original‌ ‌list‌ ‌to‌ ‌fit‌ ‌their‌ ‌particular‌ ‌needs.‌‌
Here,‌ ‌however,‌ ‌are‌ ‌the‌ ‌original‌ ‌14‌ ‌behaviour‌ ‌patterns,‌ ‌the‌ ‌Problem‌ ‌that‌ ‌I‌ ‌set‌ ‌down‌ ‌in‌ ‌1977.‌ ‌I’ve‌‌
added‌‌a‌‌few‌‌present‌‌day‌‌observations‌‌to‌‌them,‌‌hindsight‌‌brings‌‌such‌‌wonderful‌‌clarity!‌ ‌ ‌

Additional‌‌Reading:‌‌Big‌‌Red‌‌Book‌‌–‌‌ACA‌‌Disease‌‌Model‌‌[page‌‌xxvi]‌‌ ‌

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Step‌‌4‌
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We‌ ‌made‌ ‌a‌ ‌searching‌ ‌and‌ ‌blameless‌ ‌inventory‌ ‌of‌ ‌our‌ ‌parents‌ ‌because,‌ ‌in‌‌
essence,‌‌we‌‌had‌‌become‌‌them.‌ ‌ ‌

We‌ ‌examine,‌ ‌in‌ ‌a‌ ‌no-blame‌ ‌manner,‌ ‌the‌ ‌behaviour‌ ‌of‌ ‌our‌ ‌parents.‌ ‌The‌ ‌ACoA’s‌ ‌emotional‌‌
responses‌ ‌to‌ ‌life‌ ‌are‌ ‌largely‌ ‌a‌ ‌composite‌‌of‌‌the‌‌behaviour‌‌patterns‌‌of‌‌our‌‌parents.‌‌Growing‌‌up‌‌in‌‌
an‌ ‌alcoholic‌ ‌household‌ ‌almost‌ ‌invariably‌ ‌means‌ ‌that‌ ‌we‌ ‌take‌ ‌on‌ ‌both‌ ‌the‌ ‌constructive‌ ‌and‌ ‌the‌‌
destructive‌‌character‌‌traits‌‌of‌‌our‌‌parents.‌‌In‌‌order‌‌for‌‌us‌‌to‌‌forgive‌‌and‌‌accept‌‌ourselves,‌‌we‌‌need‌‌
to‌ ‌see‌ ‌clearly‌ ‌who‌ ‌we‌ ‌have‌ ‌become‌ ‌and‌ ‌how‌ ‌much‌ ‌we‌ ‌still‌ ‌react‌ ‌to‌ ‌life‌ ‌as‌ ‌our‌ ‌parents‌ ‌did.‌ ‌No‌‌
matter‌‌how‌‌far‌ ‌behind‌‌we‌‌may‌‌think‌‌we've‌‌left‌‌them,‌‌they've‌‌always‌‌been‌‌with‌‌us.‌‌ ‌

Many‌ ‌ACoA’s‌‌have‌‌told‌‌me‌‌that‌‌early‌‌in‌‌life‌‌they‌‌vowed‌‌never‌‌to‌‌be‌‌like‌‌their‌‌parents,‌‌only‌‌
to‌‌wake‌‌up‌‌many‌‌years‌‌later‌‌to‌‌see‌‌their‌‌behaviour‌‌patterns‌‌and‌‌relationships‌‌were‌‌largely‌‌a‌‌carbon‌‌
copy‌ ‌of‌ ‌their‌ ‌parents'.‌ ‌What‌ ‌confuses‌ ‌many‌ ‌ACoA’s‌ ‌is‌ ‌the‌ ‌misguided‌ ‌belief‌ ‌that‌ ‌because‌ ‌the‌‌
financial,‌ ‌educational,‌‌employment‌‌or‌‌social‌‌structure‌‌of‌‌their‌‌lives‌‌is‌‌different‌‌from‌‌that‌‌of‌‌their‌‌
parents,‌ ‌then‌ ‌it‌ ‌logically‌ ‌follows‌ ‌that‌ ‌they‌ ‌could‌‌not‌‌turn‌‌out‌‌“like‌‌their‌‌parents”.‌‌As‌‌we‌‌work‌‌on‌‌
this‌‌fourth-step‌‌inventory,‌‌two‌‌important‌‌discoveries‌‌may‌‌occur:‌‌one,‌‌we‌‌will‌‌come‌‌to‌‌see‌‌just‌‌how‌‌
much‌ ‌we‌ ‌do‌ ‌resemble‌ ‌our‌‌parents‌‌emotionally,‌‌even‌‌though‌‌we‌‌may‌‌have‌‌steered‌‌clear‌‌of‌‌alcohol‌‌
(and‌‌our‌‌family‌‌problems)‌‌when‌‌we‌‌grew‌‌up.‌‌And‌‌two,‌‌we‌‌may‌‌see‌‌few‌‌similarities‌‌in‌‌attitudes‌‌and‌‌
behaviour‌ ‌but‌‌come‌‌to‌‌understand‌‌the‌‌pain,‌‌fear,‌‌confusion‌‌and‌‌sadness‌‌of‌‌our‌‌parents'‌‌plight.‌‌In‌‌
this‌‌comprehension‌‌may‌‌be‌‌the‌‌seeds‌‌of‌‌forgiveness‌‌and‌‌acceptance.‌ ‌ ‌

1.‌ ‌Make‌ ‌a‌ ‌searching‌ ‌and‌ ‌blameless‌ ‌inventory‌ ‌of‌ ‌my‌ ‌mother/primary‌ ‌caregiver‌ ‌(positive‌ ‌and‌ ‌
negative‌‌aspects).‌ ‌ ‌

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2.‌‌Make‌‌note‌‌of‌‌the‌‌main‌‌traits/behaviours‌‌that‌‌reside‌‌in‌‌me‌‌from‌‌my‌‌mother‌‌or‌‌primary‌‌caregiver‌‌
(positive‌‌and‌‌negative).‌ ‌ ‌

3.‌ ‌Make‌ ‌a‌ ‌searching‌ ‌and‌ ‌blameless‌ ‌inventory‌ ‌of‌ ‌my‌ ‌father/secondary‌ ‌caregiver‌ ‌(positive‌ ‌and‌ ‌
negative‌‌aspects).‌‌

4.‌ ‌Make‌ ‌note‌ ‌of‌ ‌the‌ ‌main‌ ‌traits/behaviours‌ ‌that‌ ‌reside‌ ‌in‌ ‌me‌ ‌from‌ ‌my‌ ‌father‌ ‌or‌ ‌second‌ ‌primary‌ ‌
caregiver‌‌(positive‌‌and‌‌negative‌‌aspects).‌ ‌ ‌

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5.‌‌Make‌‌a‌‌searching‌‌and‌‌blameless‌‌inventory‌‌of‌‌any‌‌person‌‌that‌‌may‌‌have‌‌been‌‌a‌‌parental‌‌figure‌‌in‌ ‌
my‌‌life‌‌(positive‌‌and‌‌negative‌‌aspects).‌ ‌ ‌

6.‌‌Make‌‌a‌‌note‌‌of‌‌the‌‌traits‌‌that‌‌I‌‌have‌‌taken‌‌on‌‌as‌‌a‌‌child‌‌from‌‌these‌‌people‌‌that‌‌impact‌‌my‌‌life‌‌in‌‌
a‌ ‌negative‌ ‌way‌ ‌today‌ ‌(take‌ ‌note‌ ‌that‌ ‌“with‌ ‌stress,‌ ‌we‌ ‌regress”,‌ ‌notice‌ ‌who‌ ‌we‌ ‌become‌ ‌when‌ ‌we‌‌
regress,‌‌Mum,‌‌Dad‌‌or‌‌other).‌ ‌ ‌

7.‌‌How‌‌am‌‌I‌‌like‌‌each‌‌of‌‌my‌‌parents‌‌emotionally?‌‌ ‌

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8.‌‌Have‌‌I‌‌accepted‌‌this‌‌about‌‌myself?‌ ‌ ‌

9.‌‌How‌‌am‌‌I‌‌different‌‌from‌‌my‌‌parents‌‌emotionally?‌ ‌ ‌

10.‌ ‌Have‌ ‌I‌ ‌come‌ ‌to‌ ‌understand‌ ‌the‌ ‌pain,‌ ‌fear,‌ ‌confusion‌ ‌and‌ ‌sadness‌ ‌my‌ ‌parents‌ ‌experienced‌ ‌as‌ ‌
they‌‌grew‌‌up?‌ ‌ ‌

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11.‌‌Have‌‌I‌‌truly‌‌accepted‌‌my‌‌parents‌‌for‌‌who‌‌they‌‌were‌‌when‌‌I‌‌was‌‌growing‌‌up‌‌and‌‌who‌‌they‌‌are‌‌
today?‌ ‌ ‌

12.‌‌Can‌‌I‌‌forgive‌‌my‌‌parents?‌‌(in‌‌order‌‌to‌‌forgive‌‌my‌‌parents,‌‌I‌‌must‌‌first‌‌learn‌‌to‌‌forgive‌‌myself).‌‌ ‌

13.‌‌Can‌‌my‌‌inner‌‌child‌‌forgive‌‌my‌‌parents?‌‌(this‌‌is‌‌imperative‌‌to‌‌begin‌‌coming‌‌out‌‌of‌‌blame).‌‌ ‌

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14.‌ ‌Tony‌ ‌talks‌ ‌about‌ ‌how‌ ‌we‌ ‌can‌ ‌become‌ ‌one‌ ‌parent‌ ‌and‌ ‌marry‌ ‌the‌ ‌other.‌ ‌Has‌ ‌this‌ ‌been‌ ‌your‌ ‌
experience?‌ ‌ ‌

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Reading‌‌5‌‌-‌‌Waiting‌‌in‌‌The‌‌Wings‌ ‌
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Adult‌‌children‌‌of‌‌alcoholics‌‌are‌‌definitely‌‌“at‌‌risk”‌‌as‌‌human‌‌beings.‌ ‌ ‌

Recent‌ ‌governmental‌ ‌and‌ ‌private‌ ‌studies‌ ‌suggest‌ ‌that‌ ‌possibly‌ ‌50‌ ‌percent‌ ‌of‌ ‌all‌ ‌children‌‌
raised‌ ‌in‌‌an‌‌alcoholic‌‌household‌‌become‌‌alcoholics‌‌and‌‌many‌‌marry‌‌alcoholics‌‌or‌‌other‌‌addictive‌‌
personalities.‌ ‌The‌ ‌recent‌ ‌evidence‌ ‌also‌ ‌indicates‌ ‌that‌ ‌this‌ ‌generational‌ ‌pattern‌ ‌is‌ ‌also‌ ‌true‌ ‌for‌‌
children‌ ‌of‌ ‌drug‌ ‌addicts‌ ‌and‌ ‌prescription‌ ‌drug‌ ‌abusers.‌ ‌In‌ ‌adult‌ ‌life‌ ‌many‌ ‌of‌ ‌us‌ ‌seem‌ ‌to‌ ‌be‌‌
attracted‌ ‌to‌ ‌unstable‌ ‌partners‌ ‌and‌‌troubled‌‌relationships.‌‌The‌‌destructive‌‌forces‌‌lying‌‌in‌‌wait‌‌for‌‌
the‌ ‌children‌‌of‌‌alcoholics‌‌are‌‌quite‌‌formidable,‌‌and‌‌adult‌‌children‌‌from‌‌these‌‌and‌‌other‌‌addictive‌‌
environments‌‌need‌‌to‌‌be‌‌especially‌‌alert‌‌to‌‌these‌‌threats.‌ ‌ ‌

This‌ ‌leads‌ ‌me‌ ‌to‌ ‌some‌ ‌thoughts‌ ‌about‌ ‌the‌ ‌problem‌ ‌of‌ ‌alcohol‌ ‌and‌ ‌drug‌ ‌use‌ ‌by‌ ‌those‌‌
attending‌‌ACoA‌‌meetings.‌‌I‌‌find‌‌it‌‌very‌‌difficult‌‌to‌‌believe‌‌that‌‌people‌‌who‌‌are‌‌using‌‌alcohol‌‌and‌‌
drugs‌ ‌in‌ ‌any‌ ‌significant‌ ‌way‌ ‌can‌ ‌gain‌ ‌much‌ ‌value‌ ‌and‌ ‌nourishment‌ ‌from‌‌the‌‌ACoA‌‌programme.‌‌
Their‌ ‌escapist‌ ‌behaviour‌ ‌is‌ ‌much‌ ‌more‌ ‌likely‌ ‌to‌ ‌move‌ ‌them‌ ‌into‌ ‌a‌ ‌non-feeling,‌ ‌emotionally‌‌
deadened‌‌space‌‌that‌‌is‌ ‌virtually‌‌unreachable.‌‌I‌‌would‌‌speculate‌‌that‌‌an‌‌active‌‌addict‌‌can‌‌gain‌‌little‌‌
benefit‌‌from‌‌ACoA,‌‌and‌‌I‌‌also‌‌question‌‌the‌‌possible‌‌contribution‌‌of‌‌ACoA‌‌to‌‌those‌‌who‌‌are‌‌using‌‌
drugs‌ ‌in‌ ‌a‌ ‌“recreational”‌ ‌manner.‌ ‌I‌ ‌don’t‌ ‌think‌ ‌that‌ ‌active‌ ‌drug‌ ‌use‌ ‌and‌ ‌attendance‌ ‌at‌ ‌ACoA‌‌
meetings‌‌is‌‌a‌‌successful‌‌formula.‌ ‌ ‌

Once,‌ ‌during‌ ‌a‌‌secretary’s‌‌break‌‌at‌‌a‌‌meeting,‌‌I‌‌spotted‌‌two‌‌newcomers‌‌sitting‌‌in‌‌a‌‌remote‌‌

corner‌ ‌quietly‌ ‌puffing‌ ‌away‌ ‌on‌ ‌their‌ ‌funny‌ ‌smelling‌ ‌cigarettes.‌ ‌I‌ ‌thought,‌ ‌“What‌ ‌better‌ ‌way‌ ‌to‌‌
avoid‌‌experiencing‌‌the‌‌painful‌‌feelings‌‌that‌‌may‌‌be‌‌waiting‌‌for‌‌expression.‌‌What‌‌better‌‌way‌‌not‌‌to‌‌
be‌‌here.”‌ ‌ ‌

While‌‌I‌‌certainly‌‌don’t‌‌condemn‌‌the‌‌moderate‌‌and‌‌appropriate‌‌use‌‌of‌‌alcohol‌‌or‌‌the‌‌careful‌‌
use‌‌of‌ ‌medication,‌‌I‌‌do‌‌think‌‌it‌‌is‌‌important‌‌for‌‌ACoA’s,‌‌especially‌‌new‌‌members,‌‌to‌‌examine‌‌their‌‌
current‌ ‌patterns‌ ‌of‌ ‌use‌ ‌of‌ ‌alcohol,‌ ‌prescription‌ ‌drugs,‌ ‌soft‌ ‌and‌ ‌hard‌ ‌drugs,‌ ‌and‌ ‌potentially‌‌
destructive‌ ‌activity‌ ‌such‌ ‌as‌ ‌compulsive‌ ‌overeating,‌ ‌compulsive‌ ‌sex,‌ ‌gambling‌ ‌and‌ ‌debting.‌ ‌I’m‌‌
convinced‌‌that‌‌most‌‌ACoA’s‌‌are‌‌extraordinarily‌‌susceptible‌‌to‌‌all‌‌kinds‌‌of‌‌addictive‌‌behaviour.‌‌All‌‌
these‌‌destructive‌‌forces‌‌are‌‌literally‌‌waiting‌‌in‌‌the‌‌wings‌‌for‌‌most‌‌ACoA’s.‌‌ ‌

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 As‌ ‌children‌ ‌and‌ ‌adolescents‌ ‌most‌ ‌ACoA’s‌ ‌learned‌ ‌any‌ ‌number‌ ‌of‌ ‌ways‌ ‌to‌ ‌escape‌ ‌from‌‌
painful‌‌feelings‌‌and‌‌the‌‌difficult‌‌challenges‌‌of‌‌life.‌‌Many‌‌reached‌‌for‌‌addictive‌‌substances‌‌or‌‌found‌‌
relief‌‌in‌ ‌compulsive‌‌behaviour.‌ ‌ ‌

Much‌ ‌of‌ ‌what‌ ‌the‌ ‌ACoA‌‌was‌‌attracted‌‌to‌‌and‌‌used‌‌resembled‌‌the‌‌substances‌‌used‌‌by‌‌their‌‌

parents.‌ ‌Thus,‌‌the‌‌cycle‌‌of‌‌destructive‌‌behaviour‌‌moved‌‌into‌‌the‌‌next‌‌generation.‌ ‌ ‌

My‌ ‌experience‌ ‌has‌ ‌shown‌ ‌me‌ ‌that‌ ‌people‌ ‌who‌ ‌have‌ ‌already‌ ‌fallen‌ ‌victim‌ ‌to‌ ‌alcoholism,‌‌
substance‌‌abuse‌‌or‌‌compulsive‌‌behaviour‌‌will‌‌make‌‌virtually‌‌no‌‌progress‌‌in‌‌the‌‌ACoA‌‌programme‌‌
as‌ ‌long‌ ‌as‌ ‌they‌ ‌continue‌ ‌their‌ ‌addictive‌ ‌behaviour.‌ ‌They‌ ‌are‌ ‌simultaneously‌‌trying‌‌to‌‌drown‌‌and‌‌
revive‌‌their‌‌lost‌‌child,‌‌and‌‌that‌‌is‌‌both‌‌futile‌‌and‌‌counterproductive.‌ ‌ ‌

A‌ ‌newcomer‌ ‌who‌ ‌is‌ ‌in‌ ‌a‌ ‌struggle‌ ‌with‌ ‌alcohol,‌ ‌drugs,‌ ‌excessive‌ ‌use‌ ‌of‌ ‌tranquilizers,‌‌
compulsive‌ ‌food‌ ‌binging,‌ ‌gambling‌ ‌or‌ ‌debting,‌ ‌is‌ ‌engaged‌ ‌in‌ ‌a‌ ‌wearying‌ ‌battle‌ ‌with‌ ‌powerful‌‌
runaway‌‌symptoms.‌‌Until‌ ‌he‌‌or‌‌she‌‌leaves‌‌this‌‌battlefield‌‌and‌‌arrests‌‌the‌‌runaway‌‌symptoms,‌‌the‌‌
ACoA‌ ‌program‌ ‌is‌ ‌virtually‌ ‌useless.‌ ‌We‌ ‌can’t‌ ‌effectively‌ ‌serve‌ ‌two‌ ‌masters:‌ ‌We‌ ‌can’t‌ ‌be‌ ‌fully‌‌
committed‌ ‌to‌ ‌recovery‌ ‌and‌ ‌self‌ ‌destruction‌ ‌at‌ ‌the‌ ‌same‌ ‌time.‌ ‌It’s‌ ‌almost‌ ‌impossible‌ ‌to‌ ‌hear‌ ‌any‌‌
loving‌ ‌messages‌ ‌when‌ ‌you‌ ‌are‌ ‌in‌ ‌full‌ ‌flight‌ ‌from‌ ‌feelings.‌ ‌At‌ ‌a‌ ‌less‌ ‌obvious‌ ‌but‌ ‌potentially‌‌
dangerous‌‌level,‌‌all‌‌ACoA‌‌members‌‌must‌ ‌become‌‌alert‌‌to‌‌the‌‌many‌‌partially‌‌concealed,‌‌seemingly‌‌
innocent‌ ‌activities‌ ‌that‌‌may‌‌someday‌‌lead‌‌to‌‌an‌‌unmanageable‌‌life.‌‌I’m‌‌talking‌‌particularly‌‌about‌
unacknowledged‌ ‌issues‌ ‌that‌ ‌have‌ ‌the‌ ‌potential‌ ‌to‌‌destroy‌‌ACoA‌‌progress‌‌and‌‌eventually‌‌cripple‌‌
newly‌ ‌developed‌ ‌self-esteem.‌ ‌Often‌ ‌the‌ ‌behaviour‌‌is‌‌dismissed‌‌or‌‌discounted,‌‌a‌‌night‌‌of‌‌spirited‌‌
drunken‌ ‌behaviour‌ ‌that‌ ‌“came‌ ‌out‌ ‌of‌ ‌nowhere”;‌ ‌intermittent‌ ‌food‌ ‌binging‌ ‌while‌ ‌isolating‌‌over‌‌a‌‌
long‌ ‌weekend;‌ ‌a‌ ‌runaway‌ ‌sex‌ ‌drive‌ ‌that‌ ‌leads‌ ‌to‌ ‌high-risk‌ ‌encounters,‌ ‌perhaps‌ ‌aided‌ ‌by‌ ‌a‌ ‌few‌‌
marijuana‌‌cigarettes.‌ ‌ ‌

Isolated‌ ‌events‌ ‌such‌ ‌as‌ ‌these‌ ‌may‌ ‌appear‌ ‌to‌ ‌have‌ ‌little‌ ‌or‌ ‌no‌ ‌impact‌ ‌on‌ ‌an‌ ‌individual’s‌‌
well-being.‌ ‌Some‌ ‌people‌ ‌view‌ ‌them‌ ‌as‌ ‌harmless‌ ‌diversions‌ ‌and‌ ‌distractions‌ ‌that‌ ‌take‌ ‌a‌ ‌little‌‌
pressure‌‌off‌‌a‌‌stressful‌‌situation‌‌or‌‌just‌‌plain‌‌“feel‌‌good.”‌‌But‌‌these‌‌actions‌‌also‌‌enable‌‌a‌‌person‌‌to‌‌
avoid‌ ‌feelings,‌ ‌and‌ ‌actions‌ ‌such‌ ‌as‌ ‌these‌ ‌have‌ ‌a‌ ‌way‌ ‌of‌ ‌becoming‌ ‌more‌ ‌appealing‌ ‌and‌ ‌more‌‌
frequently‌‌visited.‌ ‌ ‌

Addictive/compulsive‌ ‌behaviour‌ ‌normally‌ ‌escalates‌ ‌over‌ ‌time,‌ ‌but‌ ‌daily‌ ‌life‌ ‌does‌ ‌not‌‌
improve‌‌along‌ ‌with‌‌it.‌‌ACoA’s‌‌are‌‌very‌‌susceptible‌‌to‌‌this‌‌behaviour,‌‌and‌‌I‌‌have‌‌heard‌‌hundreds‌‌of‌‌

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ACoA’s‌ ‌grudgingly‌ ‌admit‌ ‌that‌ ‌their‌ ‌behaviour‌ ‌patterns‌ ‌include‌ ‌a‌ ‌number‌ ‌of‌ ‌budding‌‌
addictive/compulsive‌ ‌activities‌ ‌from‌ ‌cigarette‌ ‌smoking‌ ‌to‌ ‌overworking‌‌to‌‌overeating‌‌to‌‌drug‌‌use.‌‌
In‌ ‌time‌ ‌these‌ ‌presently‌ ‌harmless,‌ ‌“only‌ ‌once‌ ‌in‌ ‌a‌‌while”‌‌issues‌‌can‌‌turn‌‌on‌‌them‌‌and‌‌make‌‌their‌‌
daily‌‌lives‌‌unmanageable.‌ ‌ ‌

The‌‌message‌‌is‌‌that‌‌denial‌‌can‌‌operate‌‌at‌‌many‌‌different‌‌levels‌‌and‌‌at‌‌many‌‌different‌‌points‌‌
in‌ ‌recovery.‌ ‌ACoA’s‌ ‌learned‌ ‌all‌ ‌about‌ ‌denial‌ ‌and‌ ‌concealment‌ ‌in‌ ‌childhood.‌ ‌Now‌ ‌we‌ ‌need‌ ‌to‌ ‌be‌ ‌
sensitive‌ ‌to‌ ‌the‌ ‌possibility‌ ‌that‌ ‌we‌ ‌are‌ ‌attempting‌ ‌to‌ ‌belittle,‌ ‌discount‌ ‌or‌ ‌just‌ ‌plain‌ ‌ignore‌‌some‌ ‌
potentially‌‌destructive‌‌addictive/compulsive‌‌behaviour.‌ ‌ ‌

I‌ ‌make‌ ‌this‌ ‌plea‌ ‌for‌ ‌vigilance‌ ‌because‌ ‌even‌ ‌limited‌ ‌use‌ ‌of‌ ‌alcohol‌ ‌or‌ ‌minor‌ ‌compulsive‌‌
behaviour‌ ‌can‌ ‌so‌ ‌easily‌ ‌trigger‌ ‌painful‌ ‌bouts‌ ‌of‌ ‌self-loathing,‌ ‌self-recrimination,‌ ‌depression‌ ‌and‌‌
isolation.‌ ‌What‌ ‌may‌ ‌appear‌ ‌to‌ ‌be‌ ‌harmless‌ ‌behaviour‌ ‌can‌ ‌readily‌ ‌undermine‌ ‌a‌ ‌person’s‌ ‌early‌‌
efforts‌‌at‌‌recovery‌‌in‌ ‌ACoA.‌‌Denial‌‌is‌‌a‌‌strong‌‌counter-force‌‌in‌‌early‌‌recovery;‌‌and‌‌newcomers‌‌to‌‌
ACoA‌‌are‌‌not‌‌very‌‌familiar‌‌with‌‌the‌‌ways‌‌in‌‌which‌‌they‌‌are‌‌able‌‌to‌‌sabotage‌‌their‌‌growth‌‌efforts.‌‌
For‌‌some‌‌the‌‌early‌‌path‌‌to‌‌recovery‌‌may‌‌require‌‌one‌‌step‌‌forward‌‌and‌‌two‌‌steps‌‌back.‌‌ ‌

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Step‌‌5‌
‌
We‌‌admitted‌‌to‌‌our‌‌Higher‌‌Power,‌‌to‌‌ourselves‌‌and‌‌to‌‌another‌‌human‌‌being‌‌the‌‌
exact‌‌nature‌‌of‌‌our‌‌childhood‌‌abandonment.‌‌ ‌

Out‌ ‌of‌ ‌a‌‌searching‌‌and‌‌blameless‌‌inventory‌‌of‌‌our‌‌parents‌‌we‌‌come‌‌to‌‌see‌‌how‌‌we‌‌reacted,‌‌

adapted,‌‌revolted‌‌and‌‌resisted,‌‌and‌‌ultimately‌‌abandoned‌‌ourselves.‌‌When‌‌we‌‌review‌‌the‌‌nature‌‌of‌‌
our‌ ‌parents'‌ ‌illness,‌ ‌we‌ ‌come‌ ‌to‌ ‌see‌ ‌how‌ ‌many‌ ‌of‌ ‌their‌ ‌behaviour‌‌patterns‌‌replaced‌‌our‌‌youthful‌ ‌
innocence‌ ‌and‌ ‌spontaneity;‌ ‌we‌ ‌see‌ ‌all‌ ‌the‌ ‌desperate‌ ‌adaptations,‌ ‌all‌ ‌the‌ ‌frightened‌ ‌defences‌ ‌we‌ ‌
built,‌ ‌all‌ ‌of‌ ‌the‌ ‌repression,‌ ‌frustration‌ ‌and‌ ‌flight.‌ ‌Through‌ ‌these‌ ‌parent-taught‌ ‌mechanisms‌ ‌we‌‌
truly‌‌abandoned‌‌ourselves.‌ ‌ ‌

All‌ ‌these‌ ‌harmful‌ ‌acquired‌ ‌behaviour‌ ‌patterns‌ ‌we‌ ‌adopted‌ ‌are‌ ‌truly‌ ‌our‌ ‌childhood‌ ‌losses.‌‌
We‌‌need‌‌to‌‌acknowledge‌‌them‌‌to‌‌our‌‌Higher‌‌Power,‌‌to‌‌ourselves‌‌and‌‌to‌‌another‌‌individual‌‌so‌‌that‌
we‌ ‌can‌ ‌move‌ ‌toward‌ ‌a‌ ‌healthy‌ ‌self.‌ ‌The‌ ‌intent‌ ‌of‌ ‌this‌ ‌step‌ ‌is‌ ‌to‌ ‌help‌ ‌us‌ ‌recognize‌ ‌how‌ ‌we‌ ‌were‌‌
emotionally‌‌abandoned‌‌as‌‌children‌‌and‌‌how‌‌we‌‌abandoned‌‌ourselves‌‌and‌‌became‌‌our‌‌parents.‌ ‌

Childhood‌ ‌abandonment‌ ‌is‌ ‌the‌ ‌core‌ ‌issue‌ ‌for‌ ‌people‌ ‌like‌ ‌us.‌ ‌This‌ ‌is‌ ‌what‌ ‌we‌ ‌live‌ ‌not‌‌to‌‌feel.‌‌That‌‌
which‌‌we‌‌are‌‌frightened‌‌of‌‌feeling‌‌the‌‌most,‌‌is‌‌what‌‌we‌‌are‌‌addicted‌‌and‌‌attracted‌‌to‌‌creating‌‌and‌‌finding‌‌in‌‌
our‌ ‌lives.‌ ‌In‌ ‌order‌ ‌to‌ ‌have‌ ‌healthy‌ ‌relationships‌ ‌I‌ ‌have‌ ‌to‌ ‌look‌ ‌at‌ ‌abandonment.‌ ‌Out‌ ‌of‌ ‌a‌ ‌searching‌ ‌and‌ ‌
blameless‌‌inventory‌‌of‌‌our‌‌parents/caregivers‌‌we‌‌come‌‌to‌‌see‌‌how‌‌we‌‌reacted,‌‌adapted,‌‌revolted,‌‌resisted‌‌and‌‌
ultimately‌ ‌abandoned‌ ‌ourselves.‌ ‌When‌ ‌we‌ ‌review‌ ‌the‌ ‌nature‌ ‌of‌ ‌our‌ ‌parent’s‌ ‌illness‌ ‌we‌ ‌come‌ ‌to‌ ‌see‌ ‌how‌‌
many‌ ‌of‌ ‌their‌ ‌behaviour‌ ‌patterns‌ ‌replaced‌ ‌our‌ ‌youthful‌ ‌innocence,‌ ‌spontaneity‌ ‌and‌ ‌creativity.‌ ‌We‌ ‌see‌ ‌all‌ ‌
the‌ ‌desperate‌ ‌adaptations,‌ ‌all‌ ‌the‌ ‌frightened‌ ‌defences‌ ‌we‌ ‌built,‌ ‌all‌ ‌the‌ ‌repression,‌ ‌frustration‌ ‌and‌ ‌flight.‌‌
Through‌‌these‌‌parent‌‌taught‌‌mechanisms‌‌we‌‌truly‌‌abandoned‌‌ourselves.‌ ‌ ‌

All‌‌these‌‌harmful‌‌acquired‌‌behaviour‌‌patterns‌‌we‌‌adopted‌‌are‌‌truly‌‌our‌‌childhood‌‌losses,‌‌we‌‌need‌‌to‌‌
acknowledge‌‌them‌‌to‌‌a‌‌Higher‌‌Power,‌‌to‌‌ourselves‌ ‌and‌‌to‌‌another‌‌individual‌‌so‌‌that‌‌we‌‌can‌‌move‌‌towards‌‌a‌‌
healthy‌‌self.‌‌The‌‌intent‌‌of‌‌this‌‌step‌‌is‌‌to‌‌help‌‌us‌‌recognise‌‌how‌‌we‌‌were‌‌emotionally‌‌abandoned‌‌as‌‌children‌‌
and‌‌how‌‌we‌‌abandoned‌‌ourselves‌‌and‌‌became‌‌our‌‌parents.‌ ‌ ‌

Abandonment‌ ‌has‌ ‌touched‌ ‌us‌ ‌deeply.‌ ‌I‌ ‌came‌ ‌across‌ ‌a‌ ‌teaching‌ ‌in‌‌the‌‌states‌‌that‌‌those‌‌of‌‌us‌‌of‌‌the‌‌
human‌‌race‌‌who‌‌have‌‌not‌‌suffered‌‌abandonment‌‌at‌‌a‌‌very‌‌deep‌‌level‌‌cannot‌‌make‌‌the‌‌next‌‌level‌‌of‌‌spiritual‌‌
awareness.‌‌In‌‌other‌‌words,‌‌abandonment‌‌IS‌‌the‌‌passport‌‌to‌‌the‌‌next‌‌spiritual‌‌level.‌ ‌ ‌
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 For‌‌those‌‌of‌‌us‌‌who‌‌have‌‌suffered‌‌abandonment‌‌I‌‌would‌‌like‌‌to‌‌offer‌‌the‌‌proposition‌‌that‌‌in‌‌actuality‌‌
it’s‌‌a‌‌huge‌‌spiritual‌‌plus.‌‌Because‌‌it’s‌‌an‌‌emptying‌‌out‌‌feeling,‌‌and‌‌nature‌‌avoids‌‌a‌‌vacuum‌‌as‌‌I’m‌‌emptied‌‌
out‌ ‌of‌ ‌humanness,‌ ‌my‌ ‌spirit‌ ‌can‌ ‌start‌ ‌moving‌ ‌into‌ ‌the‌ ‌God‌ ‌shaped‌ ‌hole.‌ ‌If‌ ‌I‌ ‌allow‌ ‌it‌ ‌to.‌ ‌That‌ ‌hole‌ ‌has‌ ‌
always‌‌been‌‌filled‌‌up‌‌with‌‌people,‌‌places‌‌and‌‌things‌‌for‌‌me.‌‌But‌‌if‌‌I‌‌can‌‌allow‌ ‌myself‌‌to‌‌feel‌‌the‌‌feeling‌‌and‌‌
to‌‌stay‌‌empty‌‌it‌‌allows‌‌this‌‌void‌‌to‌‌be‌‌filled‌‌up‌‌with‌ ‌spirit.‌‌And‌‌then‌‌the‌‌process‌‌comes.‌ ‌ ‌

”God‌‌empty‌‌me‌‌with‌‌me‌‌and‌‌fill‌‌me‌‌with‌‌thee”‌‌ ‌

From‌‌YouTube‌‌“New‌‌Steps‌‌for‌‌ACoA”‌‌by‌‌Tony‌‌A.‌ ‌

[Link] ‌

1.‌‌List‌‌the‌‌ways‌‌that‌‌I‌‌was‌‌emotionally‌‌or‌‌physically‌‌abandoned‌‌as‌‌a‌‌child.‌ ‌ ‌

2.‌‌Give‌‌examples‌‌of‌‌how‌‌I‌‌have‌‌done‌‌this‌‌to‌‌myself‌‌as‌‌an‌‌adult.‌ ‌ ‌

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3.‌‌Is‌‌this‌‌still‌‌true‌‌today?‌ ‌ ‌

4.‌‌List‌‌the‌‌exact‌‌nature‌‌of‌‌my‌‌childhood‌‌abandonment.‌‌ ‌

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Reading‌‌6‌‌-‌‌Getting‌‌Started‌‌with‌‌Recovery‌ ‌
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There‌ ‌are‌ ‌many‌ ‌roads‌ ‌to‌ ‌recovery‌ ‌for‌ ‌people‌ ‌who‌ ‌grew‌ ‌up‌ ‌in‌ ‌an‌ ‌alcoholic‌ ‌household.‌‌The‌‌
ACoA‌ ‌programme‌ ‌of‌ ‌recovery‌ ‌is‌ ‌one‌ ‌of‌ ‌those‌ ‌paths,‌ ‌but‌ ‌it‌ ‌is‌ ‌by‌ ‌no‌ ‌means‌ ‌the‌ ‌only‌ ‌way‌ ‌that‌ ‌an‌‌
ACoA’s‌ ‌can‌ ‌deal‌ ‌with‌ ‌the‌ ‌emotional‌ ‌disturbances‌ ‌that‌ ‌have‌ ‌their‌ ‌roots‌ ‌in‌ ‌a‌‌dysfunctional‌‌family‌‌
system.‌ ‌I‌‌am‌‌convinced,‌‌however,‌‌that‌‌the‌‌ACoA‌‌programme‌‌can‌‌be‌‌of‌‌great‌‌benefit‌‌to‌‌those‌‌still‌‌
suffering‌‌the‌‌effects‌‌of‌‌a‌‌turbulent‌‌childhood.‌ ‌ ‌

My‌ ‌own‌ ‌recovery‌‌began‌‌when‌‌I‌‌first‌‌sat‌‌and‌‌shared‌‌with‌‌a‌‌small‌‌group‌‌of‌‌people‌‌who‌‌were‌‌

also‌ ‌raised‌ ‌in‌ ‌an‌ ‌alcoholic‌ ‌environment.‌ ‌I‌ ‌felt‌ ‌almost‌ ‌instant‌ ‌empathy.‌ ‌I‌ ‌readily‌ ‌understood‌ ‌the‌‌
nature‌ ‌of‌ ‌their‌ ‌pain‌‌because‌‌I‌‌had‌‌suffered‌‌in‌‌much‌‌the‌‌same‌‌way.‌‌The‌‌circumstances‌‌and‌‌nature‌‌
of‌ ‌the‌ ‌experiences‌ ‌may‌ ‌have‌ ‌been‌ ‌quite‌ ‌different,‌ ‌but‌ ‌my‌ ‌feelings‌ ‌and‌ ‌reactions‌ ‌to‌ ‌all‌ ‌that‌ ‌sick‌‌
alcoholic‌‌behaviour‌‌were‌‌very‌‌similar‌‌to‌‌theirs.‌‌This‌‌sharing‌‌and‌‌identifying‌‌was‌‌the‌‌beginning‌‌of‌‌
my‌‌recovery‌‌process,‌‌and‌‌I‌‌think‌‌it‌‌is‌‌incredibly‌‌helpful‌‌for‌‌most‌‌of‌‌those‌‌who‌‌embrace‌‌the‌‌ACoA‌‌
programme.‌ ‌ ‌

My‌ ‌own‌ ‌personal‌ ‌recovery‌ ‌took‌ ‌a‌ ‌leap‌‌forward‌‌once‌‌the‌‌Laundry‌‌List‌‌was‌‌developed.‌‌Here‌‌

were‌‌my‌‌major‌‌issues,‌‌listed‌‌on‌‌a‌‌single‌‌piece‌‌of‌‌paper,‌‌being‌‌read‌‌aloud‌‌at‌‌every‌‌meeting.‌‌Here‌‌too‌
were‌‌some‌‌suggestions‌‌“The‌‌Solution”‌‌that‌‌I‌‌felt‌‌would‌‌move‌‌us‌‌all‌‌toward‌‌recovery.‌‌The‌‌Laundry‌‌
List‌‌became‌‌my‌‌focal‌‌point.‌‌It‌‌showed‌‌me‌‌some‌‌real‌‌barriers‌‌to‌‌personal‌‌freedom‌‌that‌‌I‌‌needed‌‌to‌ ‌
examine‌‌over‌‌and‌‌over‌‌again‌‌and‌‌begin‌‌to‌‌by‌‌consciously‌‌changing‌‌my‌‌attitudes‌‌and‌‌my‌‌actions.‌ ‌ ‌

What‌ ‌gave‌ ‌me‌ ‌great‌ ‌hope‌ ‌for‌ ‌the‌ ‌ACoA‌ ‌programme‌ ‌was‌ ‌the‌ ‌realization‌ ‌that‌ ‌those‌ ‌issues‌‌
that‌ ‌most‌ ‌troubled‌ ‌me‌‌were‌‌generally‌‌the‌‌ones‌‌considered‌‌most‌‌troublesome‌‌by‌‌the‌‌others‌‌in‌‌the‌‌
groups.‌‌The‌ ‌Laundry‌‌List‌‌provides‌‌a‌‌reasonably‌‌definitive‌‌map‌‌of‌‌the‌‌troubled‌‌inner‌‌war‌‌zone,‌‌and‌‌
the‌ ‌meetings‌ ‌provide‌ ‌a‌ ‌safe‌ ‌forum‌‌where‌‌people‌‌can‌‌commence‌‌the‌‌task‌‌of‌‌learning‌‌to‌‌trust,‌‌feel‌‌
and‌‌share.‌ ‌ ‌

Additional‌‌Reading:‌‌Big‌‌Red‌‌Book‌‌–‌‌The‌‌Solution‌‌[Chapter‌‌8,‌‌page‌‌295]‌ ‌ ‌

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Questions‌‌throwout‌‌BRB‌‌-‌‌Chapter‌‌8‌‌-‌‌from‌‌the‌‌“I”‌‌position‌ ‌ ‌
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ACA‌‌Experience:‌‌Loving‌‌Parent‌‌and‌‌Inner‌‌Child‌ ‌
1. What‌‌is‌‌my‌‌Loving‌‌Parent?‌ ‌
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2. What‌‌is‌‌my‌‌Inner‌‌Child?‌ ‌
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3. How‌‌does‌‌my‌‌Inner‌‌Child‌‌Connect‌‌with‌‌a‌‌Higher‌‌Power?‌ ‌
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4. How‌‌Many‌‌Inner‌‌Children‌‌Do‌‌I‌‌Have?‌ ‌
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 5. How‌‌Did‌‌I‌‌Meet‌‌My‌‌Inner‌‌Child?‌ ‌
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6. How‌‌Does‌‌My‌‌Inner‌‌Child‌‌Sabotage‌‌Me?‌ ‌
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7. How‌‌Do‌‌I‌‌Build‌‌Trust‌‌With‌‌My‌‌Inner‌‌Child?‌ ‌
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8. How‌‌Do‌‌I‌‌Help‌‌My‌‌Inner‌‌Child‌‌Build‌‌Self-Esteem?‌ ‌
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 9. How‌‌I‌‌validate‌‌My‌‌Inner‌‌Child‌ ‌
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10. How‌‌I‌‌Negotiate‌‌With‌‌My‌‌Inner‌‌Child‌ ‌
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11. How‌‌I‌‌Celebrate‌‌My‌‌Inner‌‌Child‌ ‌
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12. Integrating‌‌My‌‌Inner‌‌Child‌‌With‌‌My‌‌Adult‌ ‌
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Chapter‌‌Eight‌‌Exercises‌ ‌
Loving‌‌Parent‌‌Questions‌ ‌
1. Questions‌‌1&2‌‌above‌ ‌
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2. If‌‌you‌‌can‌‌envision‌‌a‌‌Critical‌‌Parent‌‌inside,‌‌is‌‌it‌‌possible‌‌to‌‌envision‌‌a‌‌Loving‌‌Parent,‌‌who‌‌is‌‌
there‌‌as‌‌well‌‌waiting‌‌to‌‌step‌‌forward?‌‌Are‌‌you‌‌willing‌‌to‌‌explore‌‌this‌‌possibility?‌ ‌
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3. Can‌‌you‌‌see‌‌how‌‌you‌‌took‌‌care‌‌of‌‌yourself‌‌as‌‌a‌‌child‌‌and‌‌how‌‌you‌‌can‌‌now‌‌use‌‌that‌‌care‌‌to‌
nurture‌‌a‌‌Loving‌‌Parent‌‌within?‌ ‌
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4. If‌‌you‌‌were‌‌self-destructive‌‌as‌‌a‌‌child,‌‌how‌‌would‌‌a‌‌Loving‌‌Parent‌‌care‌‌for‌‌an‌‌abused‌‌or‌‌
neglected‌‌child?‌‌Would‌‌you‌‌be‌‌willing‌‌to‌‌do‌‌these‌‌caring‌‌things‌‌for‌‌your‌‌Inner‌‌Child?‌ ‌
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Inner‌‌Child‌‌Affirmations‌ ‌
1. I‌‌love‌‌my‌‌Inner‌‌Child‌‌unconditionally.‌ ‌
2. I‌‌will‌‌protect‌‌my‌‌Inner‌‌Child‌‌to‌‌the‌‌best‌‌of‌‌my‌‌ability.‌ ‌
3. I‌‌will‌‌take‌‌time‌‌to‌‌listen‌‌to‌‌my‌‌Inner‌‌Child‌‌and‌‌to‌‌follow‌‌through‌‌on‌‌promises.‌ ‌
4. I‌‌will‌‌integrate‌‌my‌‌Inner‌‌Child‌‌into‌‌my‌‌life‌‌through‌‌play,‌‌creativity,‌‌and‌‌spirituality.‌ ‌
5. I‌‌will‌‌take‌‌time‌‌to‌‌become‌‌my‌‌own‌‌Loving‌‌Parent.‌ ‌
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Inner‌‌Child‌‌Questions‌ ‌
1. How‌‌does‌‌my‌‌Loving‌‌Parent‌‌communicate‌‌regularly‌‌with‌‌my‌‌Inner‌‌Child?‌ ‌
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2. How‌‌might‌‌I‌‌establish‌‌trust‌‌with‌‌my‌‌Inner‌‌Child?‌ ‌
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3. How‌‌do‌‌I‌‌let‌‌my‌‌Inner‌‌Child‌‌play‌‌regularly?‌ ‌
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4. How‌‌do‌‌I‌‌integrate‌‌my‌‌Inner‌‌Child‌‌into‌‌my‌‌feelings‌‌and‌‌decisions?‌ ‌
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 5. How‌‌do‌‌I‌‌affirm‌‌my‌‌Inner‌‌Child‌‌or‌‌Inner‌‌Children?‌ ‌
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6. How‌‌does‌‌my‌‌Inner‌‌Child‌‌help‌‌connect‌‌me‌‌with‌‌a‌‌Higher‌‌Power?‌ ‌
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7. Do‌‌I‌‌love‌‌my‌‌Inner‌‌Child‌‌unconditionally?‌ ‌
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8. How‌‌has‌‌my‌‌Inner‌‌Child‌‌sabotaged‌‌me‌‌from‌‌getting‌‌things‌‌done?‌ ‌

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Step‌‌6‌
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We‌‌were‌‌entirely‌‌ready‌‌to‌‌begin‌‌the‌‌healing‌‌process‌‌with‌‌the‌‌aid‌‌of‌‌our‌‌Higher‌‌
Power.‌ ‌

In‌ ‌this‌ ‌step‌ ‌we‌ ‌ready‌ ‌ourselves‌ ‌to‌ ‌turn‌ ‌to‌ ‌a‌ ‌power‌ ‌greater‌ ‌than‌ ‌ourselves.‌ ‌No‌ ‌matter‌ ‌how‌‌
hesitant‌ ‌or‌ ‌uncertain‌ ‌we‌ ‌may‌ ‌be‌ ‌about‌ ‌the‌ ‌wisdom‌‌of‌‌such‌‌a‌‌move,‌‌we‌‌should‌‌keep‌‌in‌‌mind‌‌that‌‌
healing‌ ‌can‌ ‌and‌ ‌does‌ ‌take‌ ‌place‌‌in‌‌this‌‌world‌‌and‌‌it‌‌is‌‌often‌‌propelled‌‌by‌‌acts‌‌of‌‌faith‌‌and‌‌belief.‌‌
Here‌ ‌we‌ ‌are‌ ‌being‌ ‌asked‌ ‌to‌ ‌open‌ ‌ourselves‌ ‌to‌ ‌the‌ ‌healing‌ ‌help‌ ‌of‌ ‌a‌ ‌spiritual‌ ‌force.‌ ‌Part‌ ‌of‌ ‌the‌‌
process‌ ‌of‌ ‌healing‌ ‌comes‌ ‌from‌ ‌gaining‌ ‌an‌ ‌awareness‌ ‌of‌ ‌how‌ ‌much‌‌we‌‌suffer‌‌when‌‌we‌‌hold‌‌onto‌‌
our‌‌damaging‌‌ways‌‌of‌‌living.‌‌We‌‌need‌‌to‌‌think‌‌in‌‌terms‌‌of‌‌preparing‌‌ourselves‌‌to‌‌shed‌‌the‌‌habits‌‌
and‌ ‌traits‌ ‌that‌ ‌have‌‌so‌‌restricted‌‌our‌‌enjoyment‌‌of‌‌daily‌‌life.‌‌At‌‌this‌‌stage‌‌in‌‌our‌‌recovery‌‌we‌‌can‌‌
make‌‌a‌‌resolve‌‌to‌‌open‌‌up‌‌and‌‌become‌‌more‌‌teachable;‌‌to‌‌embrace‌‌the‌‌opportunities‌‌and‌‌to‌‌move‌‌
toward‌ ‌the‌ ‌development‌ ‌of‌ ‌a‌ ‌partnership‌ ‌with‌‌our‌‌Higher‌‌Power,‌‌as‌‌we‌‌understand‌‌it.‌‌No‌‌longer‌‌
do‌‌we‌‌need‌‌to‌‌run‌‌our‌‌life‌‌by‌‌ourselves‌‌or‌‌in‌‌secret.‌‌This‌‌step‌‌does‌‌not‌‌direct‌‌us‌‌to‌‌take‌‌actions,‌‌it‌‌
merely‌‌asks‌‌us‌‌to‌‌be‌‌receptive‌‌and‌‌willing‌‌to‌‌adopt‌‌a‌‌new‌‌approach‌‌to‌‌life.‌‌ ‌

“In‌‌this‌‌step‌‌we‌‌ready‌‌ourselves‌‌to‌‌turn‌‌to‌‌a‌‌power‌‌greater‌‌than‌‌ourselves,‌‌no‌ ‌matter‌‌how‌‌hesitant‌‌or‌‌
uncertain‌‌we‌‌may‌‌be‌‌about‌‌the‌‌wisdom‌‌of‌‌such‌‌a‌‌move.‌ ‌We‌‌should‌‌keep‌‌in‌‌mind‌‌that‌‌healing‌‌can‌‌and‌‌does‌‌
take‌ ‌place‌ ‌in‌ ‌this‌ ‌world‌ ‌and‌ ‌is‌ ‌often‌ ‌propelled‌ ‌by‌ ‌acts‌ ‌of‌ ‌faith‌ ‌and‌ ‌belief.‌ ‌Here‌ ‌we‌ ‌are‌ ‌asked‌ ‌to‌ ‌open‌‌
ourselves‌‌to‌‌the‌‌healing‌‌help‌‌of‌‌the‌‌spiritual‌‌force.‌‌This‌‌is‌‌a‌‌part‌‌of‌‌the‌‌process‌‌on‌‌the‌‌road‌‌to‌‌trust.”‌ ‌

From‌‌YouTube‌‌“New‌‌Steps‌‌for‌‌ACoA”‌‌by‌‌Tony‌‌A.‌ ‌ ‌

1.‌‌What‌‌current‌‌damaging‌‌ways‌‌of‌‌living‌‌are‌‌being‌‌made‌‌clear‌‌to‌‌me‌‌at‌‌this‌‌point‌‌in‌‌my‌‌life?‌ ‌ ‌

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2.‌‌Which‌‌behaviours‌‌am‌‌I‌‌willing‌‌to‌‌change?‌ ‌ ‌

3.‌‌Am‌‌I‌‌feeling‌‌any‌‌resistance‌‌to‌‌letting‌‌go‌‌of‌‌any‌‌of‌‌these‌‌behaviours?‌‌Please‌‌elaborate.‌ ‌

4.‌‌With‌‌my‌‌non-dominant‌‌hand,‌‌I‌‌write‌‌about‌‌the‌‌fears‌‌associated‌‌with‌‌this‌‌resistance.‌ ‌ ‌

5.‌‌Am‌‌I‌‌now‌‌ready‌‌to‌‌get‌‌out‌‌of‌‌the‌‌way‌‌to‌‌allow‌‌my‌‌Higher‌‌Power‌‌to‌‌aid‌‌in‌‌this‌‌healing‌‌process?‌‌ ‌

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Reading‌‌7‌‌-‌‌Successful‌‌Involvement‌ ‌
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What‌ ‌follows‌ ‌are‌ ‌some‌ ‌factors‌ ‌that‌ ‌I‌ ‌believe‌ ‌lead‌ ‌to‌ ‌successful‌ ‌involvement‌ ‌in‌ ‌the‌ ‌ACoA‌‌
programme.‌‌I‌ ‌know‌‌many‌‌members‌‌who‌‌have‌‌successfully‌‌used‌‌these‌‌approaches.‌ ‌ ‌

Learning‌‌to‌‌Trust,‌‌Feel‌‌and‌‌Share.‌‌ ‌

Newcomers‌‌are‌‌seldom‌‌prepared‌‌to‌‌trust‌‌the‌‌group‌‌members‌‌or‌‌the‌‌group‌‌process.‌‌At‌‌early‌‌
ACoA‌ ‌meetings‌ ‌it's‌ ‌more‌ ‌likely‌ ‌that‌ ‌they‌ ‌are‌ ‌following‌ ‌the‌ ‌parental‌ ‌commands:‌ ‌"Don't‌ ‌trust‌‌
anyone‌‌outside‌‌this‌‌house.‌‌Don't‌‌tell‌‌anyone,‌‌ever,‌‌what‌‌goes‌‌on‌‌in‌‌this‌‌house;‌‌Your‌‌feelings‌‌don't‌‌
count.‌‌Keep‌‌your‌‌mouth‌‌shut‌‌about‌‌what‌‌you've‌‌just‌‌seen."‌‌Concealment,‌‌shame,‌‌avoidance,‌‌denial‌‌
and‌‌silence‌‌are‌‌more‌‌apt‌‌to‌‌be‌‌some‌‌of‌‌the‌‌newcomers'‌‌approaches‌‌to‌‌their‌‌family‌‌secrets.‌ ‌ ‌

It‌‌takes‌‌time‌‌for‌‌many‌‌newcomers‌‌to‌‌see‌‌clearly‌‌that‌‌they‌‌are‌‌unconditionally‌‌accepted,‌‌that‌‌
their‌ ‌secrets‌ ‌and‌ ‌shame‌ ‌are‌ ‌safe‌ ‌and‌ ‌that‌ ‌their‌ ‌sharing‌ ‌is‌ ‌respected‌ ‌and‌ ‌not‌ ‌judged.‌ ‌Group‌‌
members‌‌encourage‌‌newcomers‌‌to‌‌share‌‌the‌‌long-stuffed‌‌hurt;‌‌to‌‌tell‌‌others‌‌about‌‌the‌‌misery‌‌that‌‌
they‌ ‌witnessed‌ ‌in‌ ‌their‌ ‌childhood‌ ‌household;‌ ‌and‌ ‌to‌ ‌let‌ ‌others‌ ‌know‌ ‌how‌ ‌their‌ ‌early‌ ‌survival‌‌
efforts‌‌have‌ ‌stayed‌‌with‌‌them‌‌in‌‌adult‌‌life.‌ ‌ ‌

Shedding‌‌light‌‌on‌‌all‌‌these‌‌hidden‌‌and‌‌shadowy‌‌corners‌‌is‌‌one‌‌way‌‌that‌‌ACoA‌‌members‌‌can‌‌
begin‌‌to‌ ‌understand‌‌and‌‌accept‌‌the‌‌sickness‌‌of‌‌their‌‌childhoods.‌‌Little‌‌can‌‌be‌‌accomplished‌‌in‌‌the‌‌
way‌‌of‌‌recovery‌‌until‌‌ACoA’s‌‌come‌‌to‌‌see‌‌the‌‌nature‌‌of‌‌the‌‌disease‌‌and‌‌just‌‌how‌‌destructive‌‌it‌‌has‌‌
been.‌ ‌Many‌ ‌ACoA‌ ‌members‌ ‌must‌ ‌also‌ ‌come‌ ‌to‌ ‌terms‌ ‌with‌ ‌the‌ ‌fact‌ ‌that‌ ‌they‌ ‌are‌ ‌holding‌‌onto‌‌a‌‌
great‌ ‌deal‌ ‌of‌ ‌anger‌ ‌at‌ ‌both‌ ‌parents.‌ ‌These‌ ‌intense‌ ‌feelings‌ ‌of‌ ‌anger‌ ‌need‌ ‌to‌ ‌surface‌ ‌and‌ ‌be‌‌
acknowledged.‌ ‌Newcomers‌ ‌will‌ ‌be‌ ‌best‌ ‌served‌ ‌if‌ ‌they‌ ‌can‌ ‌sit‌ ‌with‌ ‌and‌ ‌re-experience‌‌as‌‌many‌‌of‌‌
those‌‌unsettling‌ ‌early‌‌feelings‌‌as‌‌possible.‌‌It's‌‌not‌‌a‌‌pleasant‌‌task‌‌but‌‌it‌‌is‌‌an‌‌important‌‌part‌‌of‌‌the‌‌
recovery‌‌process.‌ ‌ ‌

Most‌‌children‌‌who‌‌grew‌‌up‌‌in‌‌an‌‌alcoholic‌‌home‌‌wanted‌‌to‌‌be‌‌loved‌‌and‌‌valued‌‌in‌‌a‌‌simple,‌‌
healthy,‌ ‌satisfying‌ ‌way.‌ ‌The‌ ‌ACoA‌ ‌programme‌ ‌provides‌ ‌an‌‌opportunity‌‌to‌‌test‌‌a‌‌newly‌‌emerging‌‌
willingness‌‌to‌ ‌trust,‌‌be‌‌open‌‌and‌‌be‌‌vulnerable.‌ ‌ ‌

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Changing‌‌Our‌‌Attitudes‌‌Toward‌‌Authority‌‌Figures‌‌ ‌

Our‌ ‌sick‌ ‌parents‌ ‌were‌ ‌our‌ ‌first‌ ‌authority‌ ‌figures.‌ ‌Often,‌ ‌they‌ ‌were‌ ‌punishing,‌ ‌indifferent,‌‌
neglectful,‌ ‌deceitful‌ ‌or‌ ‌inconsistent.‌ ‌Years‌ ‌of‌ ‌this‌ ‌behaviour‌ ‌led‌ ‌many‌ ‌of‌ ‌us‌ ‌to‌ ‌be‌ ‌angry‌ ‌and‌‌
distrustful‌‌in‌‌our‌ ‌attitudes‌‌toward‌‌and‌‌dealings‌‌with‌‌subsequent‌‌authority‌‌figures.‌‌Those‌‌who‌‌had‌‌
early‌‌authority‌‌over‌ ‌us‌‌created‌‌a‌‌highly‌‌charged‌‌and‌‌untrustworthy‌‌environment.‌ ‌ ‌

We‌‌who‌‌were‌‌verbally‌‌and‌‌physically‌‌abused‌‌into‌‌fearful‌‌compliance‌‌must‌‌contend‌‌with‌‌the‌ ‌
inappropriate‌‌re-enactment‌‌of‌‌that‌‌childhood‌‌anxiety‌‌or‌‌paralysis‌‌in‌‌our‌‌present-day‌‌dealings‌‌with‌
those‌‌we‌‌have‌‌invested‌‌with‌‌the‌‌mantle‌‌of‌‌authority.‌ ‌ ‌

Whether‌ ‌it's‌ ‌a‌ ‌long-standing‌ ‌attitude‌ ‌of‌ ‌hostility‌ ‌and‌ ‌suspicion‌ ‌or‌ ‌one‌ ‌of‌ ‌fear‌ ‌and‌‌
compliance,‌‌most‌‌ACoA’s‌‌need‌‌to‌‌understand‌‌that‌‌it‌‌is‌‌quite‌‌likely‌‌that‌‌they‌‌will‌‌experience‌‌these‌‌
feelings‌ ‌at‌ ‌the‌ ‌ACoA‌ ‌group‌ ‌meetings.‌ ‌It's‌ ‌also‌ ‌quite‌ ‌probable‌ ‌that‌ ‌they‌ ‌will‌ ‌have‌ ‌strong‌ ‌initial‌‌
reactions‌ ‌to‌ ‌people‌ ‌they‌ ‌see‌ ‌as‌ ‌being‌ ‌in‌ ‌authority.‌ ‌It‌ ‌may‌ ‌take‌ ‌a‌ ‌while‌ ‌to‌ ‌understand‌ ‌that‌‌group‌‌
leaders‌‌are‌‌merely‌‌serving‌‌the‌ ‌group‌‌efforts‌‌to‌‌the‌‌best‌‌of‌‌their‌‌ability.‌ ‌ ‌

It‌ ‌is‌ ‌important‌ ‌to‌ ‌recognize‌ ‌that‌ ‌inappropriate‌ ‌reactions‌ ‌to‌ ‌authority‌ ‌figures‌‌are‌‌rooted‌‌in‌‌
the‌‌distant‌‌past.‌‌Most‌‌day-to-day‌‌conflicts‌‌are‌‌generally‌‌just‌‌modified‌‌re-enactments‌‌of‌‌old‌‌clashes‌‌
and‌ ‌incidents.‌ ‌ ‌

Accepting‌‌the‌‌Group‌‌as‌‌Your‌‌New‌‌Family‌‌ ‌

Early‌‌in‌‌my‌‌recovery‌‌I‌‌made‌‌a‌‌conscious‌‌effort‌‌to‌‌be‌‌one‌‌of‌‌the‌‌group,‌‌a‌‌member‌‌of‌‌a‌‌family‌‌
unit‌‌instead‌‌of‌‌a‌‌hero‌‌or‌‌group‌‌leader.‌‌I‌‌knew‌‌it‌‌was‌‌essential‌‌that‌‌I‌‌share‌‌and‌‌reveal‌‌who‌‌I‌‌was.‌ ‌ ‌

I‌‌began‌‌to‌‌notice‌‌that,‌‌in‌‌temperament‌‌and‌‌actions,‌‌some‌‌members‌‌resembled‌‌my‌‌father,‌‌my‌ ‌
stepmother,‌‌my‌‌sister‌‌and‌‌even‌‌my‌‌wife‌‌and‌‌children.‌‌I‌‌had‌‌to‌‌monitor‌‌my‌‌reactions‌‌to‌‌these‌‌group‌ ‌
members,‌ ‌constantly‌‌telling‌‌myself‌‌that‌‌they‌‌were‌‌not‌‌members‌‌of‌‌my‌‌family‌‌of‌‌origin‌‌and‌‌that‌‌it‌ ‌
was‌ ‌inappropriate‌ ‌for‌ ‌me‌ ‌to‌ ‌judge,‌ ‌attack‌ ‌or‌ ‌be‌ ‌threatened‌ ‌by‌ ‌them.‌ ‌I‌ ‌pushed‌ ‌myself‌ ‌to‌ ‌act‌ ‌and‌‌
share‌‌in‌‌as‌‌healthy‌‌a‌‌manner‌‌as‌‌I‌‌could.‌ ‌ ‌

As‌‌I‌‌learned‌‌to‌‌accept‌‌them‌‌and‌‌trust‌‌them,‌‌I‌‌also‌‌got‌‌in‌‌touch‌‌with‌‌all‌‌kinds‌‌of‌‌special‌‌new‌‌
feelings.‌‌I‌ ‌began‌‌to‌‌feel‌‌really‌‌safe,‌‌appropriate‌‌and‌‌truly‌‌part‌‌of‌‌an‌‌accepting,‌‌loving‌‌group.‌‌All‌‌of‌‌
us‌ ‌in‌ ‌the‌ ‌ACoA‌ ‌groups‌ ‌were‌ ‌taking‌ ‌what‌ ‌positive‌‌steps‌‌we‌‌were‌‌capable‌‌of‌‌in‌‌an‌‌effort‌‌to‌‌create‌‌

‌
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and‌ ‌perpetuate‌ ‌an‌‌environment‌‌where‌‌we‌‌could‌‌all‌‌grow‌‌and‌‌change.‌‌I‌‌came‌‌to‌‌understand‌‌that‌‌I‌‌
was‌‌a‌‌unique‌‌and‌‌cherished‌‌individual.‌‌For‌‌the‌‌first‌‌time‌‌in‌‌my‌‌life‌‌I‌‌began‌‌to‌‌value‌‌myself‌‌and‌‌see‌‌
all‌ ‌the‌ ‌potential‌ ‌for‌ ‌an‌ ‌exciting,‌ ‌healthy,‌ ‌balanced‌ ‌life.‌ ‌I‌ ‌saw‌ ‌that‌ ‌fear‌‌consistently‌‌impoverished‌‌
me,‌‌and‌‌I‌‌came‌‌to‌‌believe‌‌that‌‌love‌‌and‌‌acceptance‌‌can‌‌only‌‌flow‌‌through‌‌me‌‌when‌‌I'm‌‌not‌‌fearful.‌ ‌ ‌

Many‌‌of‌‌my‌‌discoveries‌‌came‌‌as‌‌a‌‌result‌‌of‌‌the‌‌concern‌‌and‌‌loving‌‌support‌‌of‌‌the‌‌group.‌‌As‌‌
difficult‌‌as‌‌the‌‌concept‌‌may‌‌sound,‌‌it‌‌is‌‌vitally‌‌important‌‌for‌‌ACoA’s‌‌to‌‌begin‌‌to‌‌accept‌‌the‌‌group‌‌
as‌‌their‌‌new‌‌family.‌ ‌ ‌

Making‌‌Friends‌‌ ‌

Reaching‌‌out‌‌with‌‌a‌‌willingness‌‌to‌‌share‌‌is‌‌seldom‌‌easy,‌‌and‌‌it‌‌is‌‌probably‌‌most‌‌difficult‌‌for‌‌
those‌ ‌new‌ ‌to‌ ‌ACoA.‌ ‌To‌ ‌approach‌ ‌a‌ ‌person,‌ ‌engage‌ ‌in‌ ‌an‌ ‌opening‌ ‌conversation,‌ ‌risk‌ ‌rejection,‌‌
explore‌ ‌common‌ ‌ground‌ ‌and‌ ‌accept‌ ‌differences‌ ‌can‌ ‌be‌ ‌very‌ ‌threatening‌ ‌and‌ ‌unnerving.‌ ‌It‌ ‌takes‌‌
courage‌‌and‌‌persistence‌‌to‌‌start‌‌new‌‌friendships.‌‌It‌‌also‌‌takes‌‌some‌‌understanding‌‌of‌‌the‌‌ways‌‌in‌‌
which‌‌ACoA’s‌‌often‌‌try‌‌to‌‌control‌‌and‌‌direct‌‌a‌‌budding‌‌friendship.‌ ‌ ‌

I‌‌urge‌‌every‌‌newcomer‌‌to‌‌try‌‌to‌‌develop‌‌friendships‌‌within‌‌the‌‌group.‌‌Take‌‌time‌‌to‌‌discover‌‌
those‌ ‌with‌ ‌whom‌ ‌you‌ ‌might‌ ‌feel‌ ‌a‌ ‌kinship.‌ ‌Move‌ ‌toward‌ ‌those‌ ‌who‌ ‌have‌ ‌a‌ ‌way‌ ‌of‌ ‌behaving‌ ‌or‌‌
sharing‌‌that‌‌you‌‌admire.‌‌The‌‌more‌‌time‌‌you‌‌spend‌‌sharing‌‌with‌‌people,‌‌the‌‌better‌‌the‌‌opportunity‌‌
to‌‌understand‌‌them‌‌and‌‌to‌‌develop‌‌some‌‌meaningful‌‌relationships.‌‌Take‌‌some‌‌risks.‌‌Try‌‌not‌‌to‌‌be‌‌
a‌‌loner.‌ ‌ ‌

Here‌ ‌a‌ ‌word‌ ‌of‌ ‌caution‌ ‌is‌ ‌needed.‌ ‌The‌ ‌overwhelming‌ ‌weight‌ ‌of‌ ‌experience‌ ‌indicates‌ ‌that‌‌
initial‌ ‌friendship‌ ‌efforts‌ ‌are‌ ‌best‌‌directed,‌‌at‌‌least‌‌for‌‌heterosexuals,‌‌at‌‌members‌‌of‌‌the‌‌same‌‌sex.‌‌
Some‌ ‌developing‌ ‌friendships‌ ‌are‌ ‌started‌ ‌with‌ ‌the‌ ‌idea‌ ‌of‌ ‌a‌ ‌potential‌ ‌romance‌ ‌in‌ ‌mind.‌ ‌While‌‌
ACoA‌‌meetings‌‌have‌‌been,‌‌on‌‌occasion,‌‌a‌‌mating‌‌ground,‌‌I‌‌think‌‌that‌‌newcomers‌‌should‌‌focus‌‌on‌‌
their‌ ‌major‌‌issues‌‌and‌‌not‌‌complicate‌‌their‌‌early‌‌recovery‌‌with‌‌ill-timed‌‌romantic‌‌ventures.‌ ‌ ‌

Granted,‌‌the‌‌urge‌‌to‌‌share‌‌can‌‌lead‌‌to‌‌a‌‌powerful‌‌closeness‌‌and‌‌empathy,‌‌which‌‌in‌‌turn‌‌can‌‌
create‌ ‌a‌ ‌strong‌ ‌romantic‌ ‌attraction.‌ ‌My‌ ‌observations‌ ‌over‌ ‌the‌ ‌years‌ ‌lead‌ ‌me‌ ‌to‌ ‌a‌ ‌rather‌‌
fundamental‌ ‌conclusion:‌ ‌Try‌ ‌to‌ ‌keep‌ ‌it‌ ‌simple‌ ‌and‌ ‌concentrate‌ ‌on‌ ‌personal‌ ‌change‌ ‌and‌ ‌growth.‌‌
Romance‌‌and‌‌adventure‌‌probably‌‌won't‌‌become‌‌extinct‌‌while‌‌you‌‌are‌‌working‌‌on‌‌yourself.‌ ‌ ‌

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 Willingness,‌ ‌honesty‌ ‌and‌ ‌openness‌ ‌can‌ ‌make‌ ‌the‌ ‌development‌ ‌of‌ ‌friendships‌ ‌easier.‌ ‌Just‌‌
being‌ ‌willing‌‌to‌‌put‌‌out‌‌your‌‌hand‌‌and‌‌meet‌‌someone‌‌you‌‌don't‌‌know,‌‌giving‌‌a‌‌nod‌‌of‌‌recognition‌‌
or‌ ‌making‌ ‌a‌ ‌signal‌ ‌of‌ ‌any‌ ‌kind‌ ‌that‌ ‌you‌‌are‌‌willing‌‌to‌‌be‌‌friendly,‌‌any‌‌such‌‌actions‌‌can‌‌help‌‌the‌ ‌
newcomer‌‌feel‌‌like‌‌part‌‌of‌‌the‌‌group‌‌and‌‌someone‌‌the‌‌group‌‌members‌‌might‌‌wish‌‌to‌‌know‌‌better.‌ ‌
Being‌ ‌open‌ ‌and‌ ‌honest‌ ‌about‌ ‌what‌ ‌is‌ ‌happening‌ ‌and‌ ‌how‌ ‌you‌ ‌feel‌ ‌are‌ ‌very‌ ‌special‌ ‌ways‌ ‌of‌ ‌
developing‌‌trust‌‌and‌‌eventually‌‌friendship.‌ ‌ ‌

Developing‌‌a‌‌friendship‌‌requires‌‌some‌‌vulnerability.‌‌My‌‌own‌‌early‌‌experiences‌‌have‌‌shown‌‌
me‌‌that‌‌becoming‌‌friends‌‌with‌‌other‌‌group‌‌members‌‌is‌‌a‌‌vital‌‌recovery‌‌tool.‌‌They‌‌become‌‌the‌‌core‌‌
of‌ ‌an‌ ‌invaluable‌ ‌support‌ ‌system.‌ ‌Newcomers‌ ‌who‌ ‌hang‌ ‌back,‌ ‌leave‌ ‌the‌ ‌meeting‌ ‌early‌ ‌and‌ ‌resist‌‌
giving‌ ‌themselves‌ ‌a‌ ‌chance‌ ‌to‌ ‌develop‌ ‌friendships‌ ‌are‌ ‌depriving‌ ‌themselves‌ ‌of‌ ‌an‌ ‌invaluable‌‌
recovery‌ ‌element.‌ ‌ ‌

If‌ ‌I‌ ‌could‌ ‌make‌ ‌just‌ ‌one‌‌plea‌‌to‌‌the‌‌hesitant‌‌newcomer‌‌I‌‌would‌‌say,‌‌"Let‌‌go,‌‌and‌‌let‌‌others‌‌

in."‌‌If‌‌you‌‌don't‌‌know‌‌how‌‌to‌‌let‌‌go,‌‌say‌‌so.‌‌It‌‌also‌‌helps‌‌to‌‌get‌‌telephone‌‌numbers‌‌and‌‌use‌‌them,‌‌
even‌‌if‌‌it's‌ ‌only‌‌for‌‌a‌‌short,‌‌hesitant,‌‌"Hi,‌‌how‌‌are‌‌you?"‌ ‌ ‌

From‌ ‌group‌ ‌effort‌ ‌ACoA’s‌ ‌learn‌ ‌new‌ ‌actions‌ ‌and‌ ‌new‌ ‌ways‌ ‌to‌ ‌respond‌ ‌to‌ ‌an‌ ‌adopted‌‌
extended‌‌family.‌‌Those‌‌newcomers‌‌who‌‌maintain‌‌a‌‌distance‌‌or‌‌stay‌‌remote‌‌from‌‌the‌‌interaction‌‌of‌‌
the‌‌group‌‌are‌‌avoiding‌‌a‌‌major‌‌opportunity‌‌to‌‌grow.‌‌Growth‌‌and‌‌change‌‌seldom‌‌come‌‌in‌‌isolation.‌‌
They‌‌come‌‌through‌‌interaction.‌‌Difficult‌‌as‌‌it‌‌probably‌‌is‌‌for‌‌many‌‌newcomers,‌‌I‌‌urge‌‌them‌‌to‌‌get‌‌
involved,‌‌to‌ ‌make‌‌friends,‌‌to‌‌share‌‌their‌‌feelings‌‌with‌‌the‌‌group,‌‌to‌‌be‌‌available‌‌for‌‌after-meeting‌‌
discussions‌ ‌and‌ ‌to‌ ‌arrive‌ ‌early‌ ‌and‌ ‌chat‌ ‌with‌ ‌the‌ ‌members‌‌as‌‌they‌‌arrive.‌‌Such‌‌behaviour‌‌can‌‌be‌‌
the‌‌beginning‌‌of‌‌the‌‌end‌‌of‌‌isolation.‌ ‌ ‌

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Step‌‌7‌
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We‌‌humbly‌‌asked‌‌our‌‌Higher‌‌Power‌‌to‌‌help‌‌us‌‌with‌‌our‌‌healing‌‌process.‌ ‌

This‌ ‌is‌ ‌a‌ ‌powerful‌ ‌step.‌ ‌It‌ ‌requires‌ ‌both‌ ‌humility‌ ‌and‌ ‌participation.‌ ‌Humility‌ ‌involves‌‌
becoming‌‌aware‌‌that‌‌we‌‌really‌‌are‌‌not‌‌masters‌‌of‌‌the‌‌universe,‌‌and‌‌that‌‌in‌‌all‌‌probability‌‌there‌‌is‌‌a‌‌
divine‌‌order‌‌that‌‌we‌‌can‌‌tap‌‌into.‌‌There‌‌are,‌‌however,‌‌three‌‌states‌‌of‌‌being‌‌that‌‌may‌‌get‌‌in‌‌our‌‌way.‌‌
First,‌‌we‌‌may‌‌believe‌‌that‌‌we‌‌were‌‌quite‌‌mature‌‌and‌‌sane,‌‌capable‌‌of‌‌adequately‌‌directing‌‌our‌‌own‌‌
lives.‌ ‌Second,‌ ‌we‌ ‌may‌ ‌suffer‌ ‌from‌ ‌an‌ ‌overinflated‌ ‌ego‌ ‌that‌‌keeps‌‌us‌‌from‌‌seeing‌‌what‌‌exactly‌‌we‌
are‌ ‌doing‌ ‌to‌ ‌perpetuate‌ ‌our‌ ‌problems.‌ ‌We‌ ‌are‌ ‌blind‌ ‌to‌ ‌any‌ ‌form‌ ‌of‌ ‌self-revelation‌ ‌or‌ ‌counsel‌ ‌by‌‌
others.‌ ‌Third,‌ ‌we‌ ‌have‌ ‌no‌ ‌real‌ ‌knowledge‌ ‌or‌ ‌understanding‌ ‌of‌ ‌the‌ ‌specific‌ ‌steps‌ ‌and‌ ‌actions‌ ‌we‌‌
would‌‌have‌‌to‌‌take‌‌in‌‌order‌‌to‌‌begin‌‌the‌‌healing‌‌process.‌‌We‌‌may‌‌be‌‌able‌‌to‌‌describe‌‌some‌‌of‌‌our‌‌
problems‌‌and‌‌issues,‌‌but‌‌we‌‌don't‌‌know‌‌how‌‌to‌‌plug‌‌into‌‌the‌‌process‌‌of‌‌recovery.‌‌All‌‌of‌‌these‌‌can‌‌
keep‌‌us‌‌from‌‌having‌‌humility.‌ ‌ ‌

This‌ ‌step‌ ‌also‌ ‌rests‌ ‌on‌ ‌a‌ ‌fundamental‌ ‌belief‌ ‌that‌ ‌we‌ ‌too‌ ‌can‌ ‌receive‌ ‌the‌ ‌gift‌ ‌of‌ ‌emotional‌‌
well-being‌ ‌as‌ ‌so‌ ‌many‌ ‌others‌ ‌have‌ ‌through‌ ‌working‌ ‌the‌‌12-Step‌‌recovery‌‌program.‌‌It‌‌is‌‌doubtful‌‌
that‌ ‌all‌ ‌of‌ ‌these‌ ‌people‌ ‌could‌ ‌have‌ ‌recovered‌ ‌without‌ ‌some‌ ‌active‌ ‌request‌ ‌for‌ ‌assistance‌ ‌from‌ ‌a‌‌
spiritual‌ ‌force‌ ‌of‌ ‌their‌ ‌understanding.‌ ‌Faith‌ ‌and‌ ‌willingness‌ ‌to‌ ‌seek‌ ‌out‌ ‌some‌ ‌kind‌ ‌of‌ ‌spiritual‌‌
assistance‌‌has‌‌served‌ ‌many.‌‌Belief‌‌in‌‌a‌‌Higher‌‌Power‌‌is‌‌a‌‌form‌‌of‌‌humility.‌‌In‌‌seeking‌‌assistance,‌‌
we‌‌move‌‌out‌‌of‌‌the‌ ‌driver's‌‌seat.‌‌This‌‌approach‌‌opens‌‌the‌‌way.‌ ‌ ‌

Prayer,‌ ‌meditation‌ ‌and‌ ‌a‌ ‌willingness‌ ‌to‌ ‌see‌ ‌and‌ ‌change‌ ‌our‌ ‌responses‌ ‌to‌ ‌people‌ ‌and‌‌
situations‌‌are‌‌key‌‌recovery‌‌ingredients.‌‌Eventually‌‌we‌‌come‌‌to‌‌see‌‌that‌‌part‌‌of‌‌the‌‌healing‌‌process‌‌
requires‌ ‌us‌ ‌to‌ ‌be‌‌absolutely‌‌ready‌‌to‌‌change‌‌our‌‌behaviour‌‌patterns.‌‌We‌‌need‌‌not‌‌be‌‌alone‌‌in‌‌our‌‌
effort,‌ ‌we‌ ‌can‌ ‌always‌ ‌call‌ ‌upon‌ ‌our‌ ‌Higher‌ ‌Power‌ ‌and‌ ‌the‌ ‌members‌ ‌of‌ ‌our‌ ‌group‌ ‌to‌ ‌provide‌‌
support‌‌and‌‌guidance.‌‌The‌‌healing‌‌path‌‌can‌‌be‌‌made‌‌easier;‌‌but‌‌we‌‌need‌‌to‌‌understand‌‌that‌‌while‌‌
we‌ ‌need‌ ‌not‌ ‌tread‌‌the‌ ‌path‌‌alone,‌‌we‌‌do‌‌need‌‌to‌‌make‌‌a‌‌strong‌‌personal‌‌effort.‌‌Like‌‌farmers,‌‌we‌‌
never‌‌will‌‌be‌‌in‌‌complete‌‌control‌‌of‌‌the‌‌growing‌‌process.‌‌We‌‌are‌‌asked‌‌only‌‌to‌‌do‌‌the‌‌planting‌‌and‌‌
hoeing.‌‌The‌‌harvest‌‌will‌ ‌come‌‌from‌‌our‌‌Higher‌‌Power‌‌with‌‌the‌‌aid‌‌of‌‌our‌‌neighbours‌‌and‌‌friends.‌ ‌ ‌

This‌ ‌is‌ ‌a‌ ‌powerful‌ ‌step‌ ‌which‌ ‌requires‌ ‌both‌ ‌humility‌ ‌and‌ ‌participation.‌ ‌Humility‌ ‌involved‌ ‌in‌‌
becoming‌ ‌aware‌ ‌that‌ ‌we‌ ‌really‌ ‌are‌ ‌not‌ ‌masters‌ ‌of‌ ‌the‌ ‌universe‌ ‌and‌ ‌that‌ ‌all‌ ‌probability‌ ‌is‌ ‌that‌ ‌there‌ ‌is‌ ‌a‌‌

‌
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Divine‌‌order‌‌that‌‌we‌‌can‌‌tap‌‌into.‌‌Humility‌‌comes‌‌from‌‌the‌‌word‌‌humus‌‌which‌‌is‌‌really‌‌of‌‌this‌‌earth.‌‌I‌‌was‌‌
told‌‌years‌‌ago‌‌that‌‌what‌‌I‌‌needed‌‌to‌‌do‌‌was‌‌to‌‌become‌‌average‌‌in‌‌order‌‌to‌‌become‌‌humble.‌‌I‌ ‌also‌‌feel‌‌that‌‌I‌‌
needed‌‌to‌‌go‌‌back‌‌through‌‌the‌‌traumatic‌‌feelings‌‌in‌‌order‌‌to‌‌find‌ ‌some‌‌kind‌‌of‌‌an‌‌authentic‌‌self.‌ ‌ ‌

“God,‌‌empty‌‌me‌‌of‌‌me‌‌and‌‌fill‌‌me‌‌with‌‌thee”‌ ‌ ‌

I‌‌would‌‌like‌‌to‌‌be‌‌emptied‌‌of‌‌these‌‌feelings‌‌of‌‌shame,‌‌guilt,‌‌fear,‌‌terror,‌‌uncertainty‌‌and‌‌the‌‌desperate‌‌need‌‌
to‌‌be‌‌loved‌‌in‌‌the‌‌external‌‌world‌‌because‌‌I’m‌‌unable‌‌to‌‌love‌‌myself.‌‌These‌‌steps‌‌were‌‌written‌‌with‌‌the‌‌point‌‌
of‌‌view‌‌that‌‌the‌‌goal‌‌would‌‌be‌‌self-love.‌‌Learning‌‌how‌‌to‌‌nourish,‌‌love‌‌and‌‌care‌‌for‌‌me,‌‌my‌‌little‌‌child‌‌and‌‌
then‌‌to‌‌be‌‌open‌‌enough‌‌to‌‌receive‌‌the‌‌love‌‌of‌‌my‌‌Higher‌‌Power.‌ ‌

(A.)‌‌ ‌

1.‌‌I‌‌will‌‌now‌‌create‌‌my‌‌own‌‌prayer‌‌based‌‌on‌‌what‌‌I‌‌specifically‌‌want‌‌to‌‌be‌‌emptied‌‌of.‌‌ ‌

2.‌ ‌Am‌ ‌I‌ ‌willing‌ ‌to‌ ‌humbly‌ ‌ask‌ ‌my‌ ‌Higher‌ ‌Power‌ ‌to‌ ‌help‌ ‌me‌ ‌heal‌ ‌my‌ ‌shame‌ ‌and‌ ‌abandonment‌ ‌
issues?‌ ‌ ‌

‌
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3.‌‌Can‌‌I‌‌do‌‌this‌‌with‌‌my‌‌sponsor/fellow‌‌traveller‌‌using‌‌the‌‌seventh‌‌step‌‌prayer?‌‌[BRB,‌‌page‌‌220]‌‌ ‌

Seventh‌‌Step‌‌Prayer-‌‌Character‌‌Defects‌ ‌

God.‌ ‌I‌ ‌am‌ ‌now‌ ‌ready‌ ‌that‌ ‌you‌ ‌should‌ ‌remove‌ ‌from‌ ‌me‌ ‌all‌ ‌my‌ ‌defects‌ ‌of‌ ‌character,‌ ‌which‌ ‌block‌ ‌me‌ ‌from‌‌
accepting‌ ‌your‌ ‌divine‌ ‌love‌ ‌and‌ ‌living‌‌with‌‌true‌‌humility‌‌toward‌‌others.‌‌Renew‌‌my‌‌strength‌‌so‌‌that‌‌I‌‌might‌‌
help‌‌myself‌‌and‌‌others‌‌along‌‌this‌‌path‌‌of‌‌recovery.‌ ‌

(Possible‌ ‌defects‌ ‌of‌ ‌character‌ ‌are:‌ ‌self-centeredness,‌ ‌judgmentalness,‌ ‌procrastination.‌ ‌perfectionism,‌ ‌envy,‌ ‌greed,‌‌
lust,‌‌feeling‌‌superior,‌‌dishonesty,‌‌and‌‌pettiness.)‌ ‌

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Reading‌‌8‌‌-‌‌Dealing‌‌with‌‌Judgments‌‌and‌‌Resentments‌ ‌
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I‌‌know‌‌of‌‌no‌‌more‌‌corrosive‌‌and‌‌destructive‌‌mindset‌‌than‌‌that‌‌of‌‌judging‌‌people‌‌harshly‌‌or‌‌
giving‌‌open‌‌reign‌‌to‌‌resentments.‌‌Critical‌‌judgments‌‌remove‌‌the‌‌vitality‌‌and‌‌spontaneity‌‌from‌‌any‌ ‌
encounter‌ ‌and‌ ‌seriously‌ ‌limit‌ ‌a‌ ‌person's‌ ‌opportunities‌ ‌to‌ ‌experience‌ ‌and‌ ‌accept‌ ‌another.‌ ‌Most‌ ‌
critical‌ ‌judgment‌ ‌blinds‌ ‌people‌ ‌to‌ ‌the‌ ‌good‌ ‌qualities‌ ‌of‌ ‌the‌ ‌person‌ ‌being‌ ‌judged‌ ‌and‌ ‌becomes‌ ‌a‌ ‌
barrier‌‌to‌‌any‌‌possible‌‌friendships.‌ ‌ ‌

Similarly,‌ ‌the‌ ‌unbridled‌ ‌display‌ ‌of‌ ‌resentment‌ ‌does‌ ‌not‌ ‌advance‌ ‌anyone's‌ ‌recovery.‌ ‌Most‌‌
ACoA’s‌ ‌learned‌ ‌long‌ ‌ago‌ ‌that‌ ‌resentments‌ ‌were‌ ‌commonplace.‌ ‌Learning‌ ‌how‌ ‌to‌ ‌deal‌ ‌with‌ ‌them‌‌
takes‌‌real‌‌effort.‌‌A‌‌productive‌‌way‌‌to‌‌handle‌‌resentments‌‌is‌‌to‌‌sit‌‌quietly‌‌and‌‌reason‌‌with‌‌the‌‌other‌‌
person‌‌and‌ ‌express‌‌the‌‌feelings‌‌that‌‌are‌‌behind‌‌the‌‌resentment.‌ ‌ ‌

Try‌‌to‌‌avoid‌‌expressing‌‌blame‌‌and‌‌accusation.‌‌A‌‌resentment‌‌is‌‌generally‌‌a‌‌personal‌‌hurt‌‌that‌‌
needs‌ ‌to‌‌be‌‌resolved‌‌with‌‌the‌‌person‌‌who‌‌triggered‌‌it.‌‌Blaming‌‌will‌‌only‌‌create‌‌new‌‌resentments.‌ ‌ ‌

Judgments‌ ‌are‌ ‌probably‌ ‌more‌ ‌difficult‌ ‌to‌ ‌bring‌ ‌under‌ ‌control‌ ‌because‌ ‌we‌ ‌are‌ ‌all‌ ‌guilty‌ ‌of‌‌
critical‌ ‌appraisals‌ ‌of‌ ‌those‌ ‌around‌ ‌us.‌‌Sadly,‌‌most‌‌of‌‌our‌‌harsher‌‌judgments‌‌were‌‌taught‌‌to‌‌us‌‌by‌‌
our‌ ‌parents,‌ ‌we‌ ‌don't‌ ‌even‌ ‌own‌ ‌them.‌ ‌They‌ ‌were‌ ‌created‌ ‌by‌ ‌others;‌ ‌we‌ ‌merely‌ ‌respond‌‌
automatically‌ ‌to‌ ‌certain‌ ‌individuals‌ ‌and‌ ‌behaviour.‌ ‌Being‌ ‌willing‌ ‌to‌ ‌view‌ ‌people‌ ‌with‌ ‌an‌ ‌open‌‌
mind‌‌to‌‌suspend‌‌judgment‌‌and‌‌just‌‌be‌‌with‌‌them‌‌in‌‌a‌‌noncritical‌‌manner,‌‌can‌‌create‌‌both‌‌personal‌‌
and‌‌group‌‌harmony.‌ ‌ ‌

One‌ ‌by-product‌ ‌of‌ ‌critical‌ ‌judgment‌ ‌is‌ ‌the‌ ‌destructive‌ ‌force‌ ‌of‌‌gossip.‌‌Restraint‌‌of‌‌tongue‌‌
and‌‌the‌ ‌willingness‌‌to‌‌live‌‌and‌‌let‌‌live‌‌make‌‌it‌‌possible‌‌for‌‌groups‌‌to‌‌function‌‌effectively.‌‌Gossip‌‌is‌‌
a‌ ‌particularly‌ ‌vicious‌ ‌way‌ ‌to‌ ‌undermine‌ ‌the‌ ‌spirit‌ ‌of‌ ‌acceptance‌ ‌and‌ ‌love.‌ ‌While‌ ‌no‌ ‌one‌ ‌is‌ ‌ever‌‌
entirely‌ ‌free‌ ‌of‌ ‌judgments‌ ‌and‌ ‌resentments,‌ ‌we‌ ‌ought‌ ‌not‌ ‌be‌ ‌consumed‌ ‌by‌‌them.‌‌We‌‌can‌‌always‌‌
strive‌‌for‌ ‌progress‌‌in‌‌these‌‌areas.‌‌ ‌

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The‌‌Group‌‌as‌‌Your‌‌Family‌‌ ‌

I've‌ ‌always‌ ‌liked‌ ‌attending‌ ‌meetings,‌ ‌and‌ ‌over‌ ‌time‌ ‌the‌ ‌groups‌ ‌became‌ ‌my‌ ‌family.‌ ‌I‌ ‌was‌‌
committed‌ ‌to‌ ‌them.‌ ‌Just‌ ‌how‌ ‌I‌ ‌began‌ ‌to‌ ‌see‌ ‌them‌ ‌as‌ ‌my‌ ‌family‌ ‌I'm‌ ‌not‌ ‌sure,‌ ‌but‌ ‌there‌ ‌it‌ ‌was.‌‌I‌‌
could‌‌look‌‌around‌‌and‌‌see‌‌members‌‌who‌‌strongly‌‌reminded‌‌me‌‌of‌‌members‌‌of‌‌my‌‌family‌‌of‌‌origin.‌‌
Sometimes‌ ‌during‌ ‌the‌ ‌sharing,‌ ‌I‌ ‌could‌ ‌re-experience‌ ‌many‌ ‌of‌ ‌my‌ ‌early‌ ‌feelings‌ ‌of‌ ‌anger‌ ‌and‌‌
depression,‌ ‌intolerance‌ ‌and‌ ‌fear.‌ ‌I‌ ‌could‌ ‌see‌ ‌what‌ ‌was‌ ‌happening.‌ ‌I‌ ‌was‌ ‌beginning‌ ‌to‌ ‌open‌ ‌up.‌‌
Often‌ ‌only‌ ‌negative‌ ‌feelings‌ ‌came‌ ‌tumbling‌ ‌out.‌ ‌But‌ ‌in‌ ‌ACoA‌ ‌I‌ ‌was‌ ‌in‌ ‌a‌ ‌safe‌ ‌place‌ ‌and‌ ‌I‌ ‌knew‌‌
that,‌‌despite‌‌what‌‌I‌‌was‌‌feeling,‌‌I‌‌was‌ ‌actively‌‌engaged‌‌in‌‌a‌‌healing‌‌process.‌ ‌ ‌

I‌ ‌was‌ ‌talking‌ ‌and‌ ‌trusting‌ ‌and‌ ‌risking‌ ‌a‌ ‌new‌ ‌family‌ ‌environment‌ ‌where‌ ‌there‌ ‌was‌ ‌no‌‌
judgment‌ ‌and‌ ‌criticism.‌ ‌We‌ ‌all‌ ‌shared‌ ‌our‌ ‌pain,‌ ‌risked‌ ‌confrontation‌ ‌and‌ ‌tested‌ ‌our‌ ‌new‌‌
boundaries.‌‌With‌‌the‌‌Laundry‌‌List‌‌as‌‌our‌‌guide‌‌we‌‌all‌‌worked‌‌on‌‌our‌‌issues‌‌as‌‌best‌‌we‌‌could.‌‌Some‌‌
of‌ ‌my‌ ‌early‌ ‌efforts‌ ‌were‌ ‌pretty‌ ‌limited.‌ ‌But‌ ‌I‌ ‌kept‌ ‌trying‌ ‌even‌ ‌when‌ ‌I‌ ‌was‌ ‌hit‌ ‌with‌ ‌miserable‌‌
feelings‌ ‌of‌ ‌frustration,‌ ‌inadequacy‌ ‌and‌ ‌loneliness.‌ ‌I‌ ‌simply‌ ‌kept‌ ‌going,‌ ‌even‌ ‌when‌ ‌I‌ ‌felt‌ ‌I‌ ‌didn't‌‌
belong‌‌and‌‌would‌‌always‌ ‌have‌‌trouble‌‌with‌‌the‌‌give‌‌and‌‌take‌‌of‌‌friendships.‌‌I‌‌was‌‌experimenting‌‌
with‌‌new‌‌ways‌‌of‌‌responding,‌‌trying‌‌to‌‌develop‌‌healthier‌‌behaviour.‌‌Most‌‌importantly,‌‌I‌‌began‌‌to‌‌
open‌ ‌up‌ ‌to‌ ‌the‌ ‌affection‌ ‌and‌ ‌concern‌ ‌of‌ ‌the‌ ‌members.‌ ‌They‌ ‌really‌ ‌cared.‌ ‌I‌ ‌lowered‌ ‌some‌ ‌of‌ ‌my‌‌
defences‌‌as‌‌best‌‌I‌‌could,‌‌considering‌‌my‌‌fears,‌‌and‌‌let‌‌their‌‌care‌‌and‌‌faith‌‌in‌‌me‌‌carry‌‌me‌‌through‌‌
some‌ ‌pretty‌ ‌dark‌ ‌and‌ ‌uncertain‌ ‌days.‌ ‌The‌ ‌interplay‌ ‌at‌ ‌the‌ ‌meeting‌ ‌put‌ ‌me‌ ‌in‌ ‌touch‌ ‌with‌ ‌how‌‌
fearful‌‌of‌‌people‌‌I‌‌had‌‌become‌‌and‌‌how‌‌I‌‌concealed‌‌it.‌‌But‌‌now‌‌I‌‌felt‌‌that‌‌I‌‌was‌‌being‌‌heard,‌‌and‌‌
that‌‌what‌‌I‌‌said‌‌and‌‌felt‌‌were‌‌considered‌‌valuable.‌‌All‌‌the‌‌group‌‌members‌‌wanted‌‌to‌‌learn‌‌how‌‌to‌‌
love‌‌and‌‌accept‌‌people‌‌in‌ ‌a‌‌healthy‌‌way‌‌and‌‌be‌‌appreciated‌‌and‌‌valued‌‌in‌‌return.‌ ‌ ‌

In‌ ‌my‌ ‌recovery‌ ‌I‌ ‌discovered‌ ‌that‌ ‌I‌ ‌was‌ ‌a‌ ‌lovable‌ ‌person‌ ‌who‌ ‌just‌ ‌wanted‌ ‌to‌ ‌be‌ ‌open‌ ‌and‌‌
tolerant.‌‌I‌ ‌came‌‌to‌‌understand‌‌that,‌‌at‌‌a‌‌higher‌‌level,‌‌love‌‌can‌‌only‌‌flow‌‌through‌‌me‌‌when‌‌I‌‌am‌‌not‌‌
fearful.‌‌In‌ ‌my‌‌relationships‌‌I‌‌had‌‌to‌‌see‌‌that‌‌fear‌‌and‌‌anger‌‌blocked‌‌my‌‌spontaneity‌‌as‌‌it‌‌did‌‌when‌‌
I‌‌was‌‌a‌‌child.‌‌Now‌‌it‌‌was‌‌up‌‌to‌‌me‌‌to‌‌change‌‌my‌‌response‌‌in‌‌my‌‌new‌‌supportive‌‌environment.‌ ‌ ‌

During‌‌my‌‌first‌‌few‌‌years‌‌in‌‌ACoA‌‌I‌‌really‌‌had‌‌to‌‌struggle‌‌with‌‌spontaneity‌‌at‌‌meetings.‌‌My‌ ‌
sensitivity,‌ ‌my‌ ‌need‌ ‌to‌‌control‌‌and‌‌my‌‌defences‌‌were‌‌always‌‌working‌‌overtime‌‌to‌‌protect‌‌me‌‌and‌‌
to‌ ‌keep‌ ‌me‌ ‌from‌ ‌being‌ ‌vulnerable‌ ‌and‌ ‌open‌ ‌to‌ ‌others.‌ ‌Once‌ ‌I‌ ‌had‌ ‌developed‌ ‌a‌ ‌give-and-take‌ ‌
relationship‌ ‌with‌ ‌members‌ ‌of‌ ‌the‌ ‌group,‌ ‌however,‌ ‌I‌ ‌felt‌‌more‌‌protected‌‌and‌‌secure.‌‌On‌‌occasion‌‌

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this‌ ‌sense‌ ‌of‌ ‌safety‌‌would‌‌be‌‌threatened‌‌when‌‌someone‌‌I‌‌had‌‌grown‌‌close‌‌to‌‌would‌‌abruptly‌‌pull‌‌
away‌ ‌and‌ ‌cease‌ ‌all‌ ‌contact‌ ‌with‌ ‌the‌ ‌group.‌ ‌This‌ ‌was‌ ‌very‌ ‌disturbing,‌ ‌because‌‌it‌‌could‌‌mean‌‌that‌‌
the‌‌individual's‌‌pain‌‌was‌‌so‌‌intense‌‌that‌‌he‌‌felt‌‌he‌‌must‌‌literally‌‌abandon‌‌the‌‌healthy‌‌support‌‌and‌ ‌
nurture‌‌that‌‌the‌‌group‌‌could‌‌offer.‌‌Even‌‌though‌‌I‌‌felt‌‌rejected‌‌and‌‌angry‌‌when‌‌this‌‌would‌‌occur,‌‌I‌ ‌
vowed‌ ‌that‌ ‌I‌ ‌would‌ ‌never‌ ‌just‌ ‌"amputate"‌‌my‌‌group,‌‌regardless‌‌of‌‌the‌‌pain‌‌or‌‌frustration‌‌I‌‌felt.‌‌I‌ ‌
became‌‌willing‌‌to‌‌stay‌‌put‌‌in‌‌my‌‌group,‌‌work‌‌it‌‌out‌‌and‌‌let‌‌the‌‌pain‌‌dissolve.‌ ‌ ‌

Working‌‌the‌‌ACoA‌‌12‌‌Steps‌‌of‌‌Recovery‌

Many‌ ‌years‌ ‌ago,‌ ‌a‌ ‌series‌ ‌of‌ ‌12‌‌recovery‌‌steps‌‌were‌‌created‌‌to‌‌assist‌‌members‌‌of‌‌Alcoholics‌ ‌

Anonymous‌ ‌on‌ ‌their‌ ‌path‌ ‌to‌ ‌recovery.‌ ‌These‌ ‌steps‌ ‌have‌ ‌proven‌ ‌to‌‌be‌‌powerful‌‌action‌‌guides.‌‌As‌ ‌
other‌ ‌self-help‌ ‌programs‌ ‌were‌ ‌established,‌ ‌they‌ ‌usually‌ ‌adapted‌ ‌these‌ ‌steps‌ ‌to‌ ‌their‌ ‌own‌ ‌needs.‌ ‌
Al-Anon,‌ ‌Gamblers‌ ‌Anonymous,‌ ‌Overeaters‌ ‌Anonymous,‌ ‌Narcotics‌ ‌Anonymous‌ ‌and‌ ‌Debtors‌ ‌
Anonymous‌‌all‌‌use‌‌the‌‌steps.‌‌ ‌

The‌ ‌12-Step‌ ‌recovery‌ ‌groups‌ ‌represent‌ ‌a‌ ‌new‌ ‌way‌ ‌of‌ ‌living‌ ‌for‌ ‌many‌ ‌troubled‌ ‌individuals.‌‌
The‌ ‌ACoA‌ ‌12-Steps‌ ‌of‌ ‌recovery‌ ‌are‌ ‌unique‌ ‌for‌ ‌ACoA’s.‌ ‌The‌ ‌AA‌ ‌steps‌ ‌are‌ ‌for‌ ‌the‌‌alcoholics,‌‌our‌‌
parents.‌‌The‌ ‌ACoA‌‌12‌‌Steps‌‌are‌‌for‌‌us.‌ ‌ ‌

ACoA’s‌ ‌should‌ ‌strive‌ ‌to‌ ‌make‌ ‌these‌ ‌steps‌ ‌an‌ ‌integral‌ ‌part‌ ‌of‌ ‌daily‌ ‌living.‌ ‌I'm‌ ‌absolutely‌‌
convinced‌‌that‌‌I‌‌would‌‌have‌‌had‌‌a‌‌very‌‌limited‌‌and‌‌narrow‌‌recovery‌‌had‌‌I‌‌chosen‌‌not‌‌to‌‌learn‌‌how‌‌
to‌‌love‌‌myself,‌‌take‌‌an‌‌inventory‌‌of‌‌my‌‌parents,‌‌keep‌‌the‌‌focus‌‌on‌‌myself‌‌and‌‌find‌‌a‌‌Higher‌‌Power‌‌
to‌‌act‌‌as‌‌a‌‌loving‌ ‌parent.‌ ‌ ‌

For‌ ‌literally‌ ‌millions,‌ ‌12-Step‌ ‌concepts‌ ‌have‌ ‌played‌ ‌a‌ ‌key‌ ‌role‌ ‌in‌ ‌the‌ ‌recovery‌ ‌from‌ ‌many‌‌
addictive/compulsive‌ ‌illnesses‌ ‌and‌ ‌behaviours.‌ ‌They‌ ‌help‌ ‌clear‌ ‌away‌ ‌the‌ ‌damage‌‌of‌‌the‌‌past,‌‌and‌‌
they‌‌are‌‌a‌‌resource‌‌that‌‌can‌‌lead‌‌to‌‌self-understanding,‌‌self-acceptance,‌‌self-love‌‌and‌‌serenity‌‌in‌‌a‌‌
troubled‌ ‌and‌ ‌anxious‌ ‌world.‌ ‌Self-knowledge‌ ‌and‌ ‌change‌ ‌come‌ ‌slowly‌ ‌and‌ ‌often‌ ‌at‌ ‌great‌ ‌cost.‌‌
Self-understanding‌ ‌can‌ ‌be‌ ‌greatly‌ ‌advanced‌ ‌by‌ ‌learning‌ ‌how‌ ‌our‌ ‌destructive‌ ‌behaviour‌ ‌hurts‌ ‌us‌‌
and‌‌the‌‌sources‌‌and‌ ‌causes‌‌of‌‌that‌‌behaviour.‌ ‌ ‌

This‌ ‌is‌ ‌where‌ ‌the‌ ‌ACoA‌ ‌12‌ ‌Steps‌ ‌can‌ ‌make‌ ‌a‌ ‌positive‌ ‌contribution‌ ‌to‌ ‌sustained‌ ‌recovery.‌‌
Following‌‌the‌‌steps‌‌can‌‌lead‌‌to‌‌a‌‌deep‌‌discovery‌‌of‌‌self‌‌and‌‌then‌‌to‌‌authentic‌‌loving.‌‌The‌‌following‌‌
suggested‌‌steps‌‌of‌‌recovery‌‌give‌‌ACoA’s‌‌a‌‌powerful‌‌guide‌‌to‌‌the‌‌recovery‌‌process.‌ ‌ ‌

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Step‌‌8‌ ‌
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We‌ ‌became‌ ‌willing‌ ‌to‌ ‌open‌ ‌ourselves‌ ‌to‌ ‌receive‌ ‌the‌ ‌unconditional‌‌love‌‌of‌‌our‌‌
Higher‌‌Power.‌‌ ‌

In‌ ‌our‌ ‌alcoholic/dysfunctional‌ ‌homes‌ ‌we‌ ‌were‌ ‌the‌ ‌victim’s‌ ‌and‌ ‌our‌ ‌parents‌ ‌or‌ ‌caregivers‌ ‌were‌ ‌the‌‌
aggressors.‌‌As‌‌we‌‌internalise‌‌our‌‌parents,‌‌we‌‌became‌‌our‌ ‌own‌‌aggressors‌‌unable‌‌to‌‌give‌‌ourselves‌‌anything‌‌
but‌‌self-hate‌‌and‌‌self-criticism.‌‌Now‌‌we‌‌are‌‌willing‌‌to‌‌let‌‌go‌‌of‌‌the‌‌idea‌‌of‌‌ourselves‌‌as‌‌either‌‌the‌‌victim‌‌or‌ ‌
aggressor‌‌and‌‌open‌‌ourselves‌‌to‌‌the‌‌unconditional‌‌love‌‌of‌‌our‌‌Higher‌‌Power.‌‌As‌ ‌we‌‌open‌‌up,‌‌we‌‌are‌‌flooded‌‌
with‌‌the‌‌love‌‌we‌‌have‌‌been‌‌denied‌‌as‌‌children.‌ ‌ ‌

The‌‌infinite‌‌source‌‌of‌‌love‌‌is‌‌always‌‌available‌‌to‌‌us,‌‌waiting‌‌only‌‌for‌‌us‌‌to‌‌open‌‌the‌‌gates‌‌and‌‌let‌‌it‌‌in.‌‌
In‌ ‌1980‌ ‌I‌ ‌read‌ ‌a‌ ‌book‌ ‌on‌ ‌the‌ ‌Kahunas,‌ ‌the‌ ‌medicine‌ ‌men‌ ‌or‌ ‌the‌ ‌wise‌ ‌men‌ ‌of‌ ‌Hawaii‌ ‌and‌ ‌one‌ ‌of‌ ‌their‌‌
spiritual‌ ‌practices‌ ‌they‌ ‌believed‌ ‌that‌ ‌on‌ ‌this‌ ‌level‌ ‌of‌ ‌experience‌ ‌there‌ ‌are‌ ‌three‌ ‌of‌ ‌us‌ ‌.‌ ‌.‌ ‌.‌ ‌in‌ ‌other‌ ‌words‌‌
there’s‌‌Tony‌‌that‌‌you‌‌see‌‌now‌‌talking‌‌to‌‌you‌‌all‌‌on‌‌this‌‌level‌‌and‌‌there’s‌‌you‌‌on‌‌your‌‌level‌‌and‌‌we‌‌are‌‌all‌‌on‌‌
the‌ ‌same‌ ‌level‌ ‌together.‌ ‌About‌ ‌an‌‌inch‌‌above‌‌our‌‌heads‌‌there‌‌was‌‌a‌‌Higher‌‌Power‌‌and‌‌each‌‌one‌‌of‌‌us‌‌has‌‌
their‌‌own‌‌individual‌‌Higher‌‌Power‌‌and‌‌that‌‌Higher‌‌Power‌‌is‌‌one‌‌with‌‌God.‌‌So,‌‌my‌‌invisible‌‌Higher‌‌Power‌‌is‌‌
one‌‌with‌‌God‌‌and‌‌your‌‌invisible‌‌Higher‌‌Power‌‌is‌‌one‌‌with‌‌God.‌‌And‌‌then‌‌down‌‌around‌‌our‌‌belly‌‌is‌‌our‌‌little‌‌
child.‌‌As‌‌I‌‌was‌‌reading‌‌this‌‌material,‌‌I‌‌believed‌‌there‌‌was‌‌some‌‌truth‌‌in‌‌this,‌‌because‌‌every‌‌time‌‌I‌‌got‌‌hurt‌‌or‌‌
I‌‌was‌‌abandoned‌‌or‌‌every‌‌time‌‌something‌‌seemed‌‌to‌‌go‌‌wrong‌‌with‌‌my‌‌life,‌‌I‌‌would‌‌get‌‌a‌‌pain‌‌in‌‌here‌‌(my‌‌
belly)‌ ‌which‌ ‌was‌ ‌unbelievable.‌ ‌Then‌ ‌I‌ ‌began‌ ‌to‌ ‌realise‌ ‌that‌ ‌in‌ ‌this‌ ‌particular‌ ‌area‌ ‌of‌ ‌my‌ ‌body‌ ‌seemed‌ ‌to‌‌
reside‌‌a‌‌personality‌‌all‌‌of‌‌its‌‌own.‌ ‌ ‌

The‌‌Hawaiian’s‌‌teach‌‌that‌‌in‌‌order‌‌for‌‌me‌‌to‌‌achieve‌‌some‌‌sort‌‌of‌‌spirituality,‌‌I‌‌have‌‌to‌‌love‌‌this‌‌little‌‌
child.‌‌So‌‌what‌‌I‌‌did‌‌at‌‌the‌‌next‌‌ACoA‌‌meeting‌‌I‌‌described‌‌what‌‌I‌‌just‌‌described‌‌to‌‌you‌‌and‌‌I‌‌took‌‌my‌‌arms‌‌
and‌‌I‌‌shut‌‌my‌‌eyes‌‌and‌‌I‌‌started‌‌hugging‌‌myself‌‌and‌‌I‌‌started‌‌saying‌‌“I‌‌love‌‌you‌‌little‌‌Tony,‌‌I‌‌love‌‌you‌‌little‌‌
Tony”‌‌I‌ ‌described‌‌that‌‌to‌‌the‌‌group‌‌and‌‌I‌‌said‌‌I‌‌believe‌‌this‌‌is‌‌probably‌‌the‌‌major‌‌way‌ ‌that‌‌I‌‌will‌‌be‌‌able‌‌to‌‌
achieve‌‌some‌‌sort‌‌of‌‌self-love.‌‌That‌‌night‌‌I‌‌went‌‌home‌‌to‌‌my‌ ‌hotel‌‌room‌‌and‌‌I‌‌sat‌‌and‌‌I‌‌hugged‌‌myself‌‌and‌‌I‌‌
shut‌‌my‌‌eyes‌‌and‌‌visualized‌ ‌myself‌‌as‌‌a‌‌little‌‌child‌‌two‌‌and‌‌half‌‌years‌‌old‌‌on‌‌my‌‌father’s‌‌knee‌‌from‌‌a‌‌picture‌ ‌
and‌ ‌I‌ ‌started‌ ‌hugging‌ ‌myself‌ ‌and‌ ‌said‌‌“I‌‌love‌‌you‌‌little‌‌Tony,‌‌I‌‌love‌‌you‌‌little‌‌Tony,‌‌I‌‌love‌‌you‌‌little‌‌Tony”‌‌
and‌‌I‌‌got‌‌to‌‌five‌‌and‌‌I‌‌started‌‌sobbing‌‌and‌‌I‌‌realised‌‌at‌‌that‌ ‌time‌‌that‌‌this‌‌was‌‌the‌‌first‌‌time‌‌in‌‌my‌‌life‌‌that‌‌I‌‌
had‌‌ever‌‌loved‌‌myself.‌‌Hawaiians‌ ‌teach‌‌that‌‌in‌‌order‌‌to‌‌love‌‌myself‌‌I‌‌have‌‌to‌‌love‌‌this‌‌little‌‌child‌‌within‌‌me.‌‌
This‌‌became‌‌a‌‌daily‌‌practice‌‌for‌‌me.‌ ‌ ‌
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1.‌‌I‌‌will‌‌now‌‌describe‌‌what‌‌I‌‌know‌‌or‌‌imagine‌‌this‌‌Unconditional‌‌Love‌‌of‌‌my‌‌Higher‌‌Power‌‌feels‌‌
like.‌ ‌ ‌

2.‌‌What‌‌blocks‌‌my‌‌being‌‌to‌‌be‌‌able‌‌to‌‌feel‌‌this‌‌love‌‌all‌‌the‌‌time?‌‌ ‌

3.‌‌How‌‌can‌‌I‌‌become‌‌more‌‌willing‌‌to‌‌open‌‌myself‌‌to‌‌this‌‌Unconditional‌‌Love?‌ ‌ ‌

4.‌‌What‌‌can‌‌I‌‌do‌‌as‌‌a‌‌daily‌‌practise‌‌that‌‌connects‌‌me‌‌to‌‌my‌‌inner‌‌child,‌‌the‌‌source‌‌of‌‌unconditional‌ ‌
love?‌ ‌ ‌

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Reading‌‌9‌‌-‌‌What‌‌to‌‌do‌‌About‌‌Parents‌ ‌
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The‌‌Family‌‌Soap‌‌Opera‌ ‌

Early‌‌in‌‌childhood‌‌our‌‌parents‌‌assigned‌‌us‌‌a‌‌role‌‌in‌‌the‌‌family‌‌soap‌‌opera.‌‌We‌‌had‌‌no‌‌choice‌‌
about‌‌the‌‌part‌‌we‌‌were‌‌directed‌‌to‌‌play,‌‌and‌‌we‌‌were‌‌never‌‌allowed‌‌the‌‌right‌‌to‌‌reject‌‌the‌‌role‌‌if‌‌it‌‌
didn't‌ ‌seem‌ ‌to‌ ‌fit‌ ‌or‌ ‌was‌ ‌downright‌ ‌destructive.‌ ‌We‌ ‌were‌ ‌in‌ ‌a‌ ‌helpless‌ ‌position:‌ ‌We‌ ‌had‌ ‌no‌ ‌say‌‌
about‌‌our‌‌immediate‌‌destiny.‌ ‌ ‌

As‌‌the‌‌illness‌‌in‌‌the‌‌household‌‌grew‌‌it‌‌expanded‌‌and‌‌disabled‌‌everyone.‌‌As‌‌helpless‌‌children‌‌
we‌ ‌took‌ ‌on‌ ‌the‌ ‌characteristics‌ ‌of‌ ‌the‌ ‌disease.‌ ‌Out‌ ‌of‌ ‌necessity‌ ‌and‌ ‌a‌ ‌desire‌ ‌to‌ ‌survive‌ ‌we‌ ‌made‌‌
adjustments‌‌to‌‌the‌‌family‌‌drama.‌‌We‌‌began‌‌to‌‌experience‌‌guilt‌‌and‌‌shame‌‌about‌‌the‌‌family‌‌illness.‌‌
We‌ ‌were‌ ‌victimized‌ ‌on‌ ‌a‌ ‌daily‌ ‌basis‌‌with‌‌physical‌‌or‌‌verbal‌‌abuse,‌‌unwarranted‌‌and‌‌inconsistent‌‌
punishment‌ ‌and‌ ‌a‌ ‌litany‌ ‌of‌ ‌hundreds‌ ‌of‌ ‌critical‌ ‌observations‌ ‌such‌‌as‌‌"Shame‌‌on‌‌you,"‌‌"How‌‌can‌‌
we‌‌love‌‌anyone‌ ‌who‌‌does‌‌that,"‌‌"You’ll‌‌just‌‌drive‌‌your‌‌father‌‌to‌‌drink‌‌if‌‌you‌‌do‌‌that,"‌‌"God‌‌won't‌‌
love‌‌you‌‌if‌‌.‌‌.‌‌,"‌‌"You‌ ‌shouldn't‌‌feel‌‌that‌‌way."‌ ‌ ‌

As‌‌children‌‌we‌‌were‌‌absolutely‌‌unable‌‌to‌‌see‌‌what‌‌was‌‌really‌‌going‌‌on.‌‌We‌‌couldn't‌‌see‌‌that‌‌
we‌ ‌were‌ ‌in‌ ‌no‌ ‌way‌ ‌responsible‌ ‌for‌ ‌our‌ ‌parents'‌ ‌drinking‌ ‌or‌ ‌other‌ ‌destructive‌ ‌behaviour.‌ ‌The‌ ‌
responsibility‌ ‌rested‌ ‌squarely‌ ‌with‌‌them.‌‌We‌‌didn't‌‌cause‌‌their‌‌alcoholism,‌‌we‌‌couldn't‌‌control‌‌it‌
(God‌‌knows,‌‌we‌‌tried!),‌‌and‌‌we‌‌certainly‌‌couldn't‌‌cure‌‌it.‌‌In‌‌all‌‌probability‌‌their‌‌sick‌‌and‌‌distorted‌‌
reactions‌ ‌to‌ ‌life‌ ‌came‌ ‌directly‌ ‌out‌ ‌of‌ ‌their‌ ‌own‌ ‌painful,‌ ‌distressing‌ ‌upbringing.‌ ‌They‌ ‌too‌ ‌were‌‌
victims.‌ ‌They‌ ‌were‌ ‌merely‌ ‌passing‌ ‌along‌ ‌their‌ ‌sick‌ ‌heritage.‌ ‌In‌ ‌the‌ ‌family‌ ‌dynamic‌ ‌the‌ ‌whole‌‌
family‌‌enables‌‌and‌‌covers‌‌for‌‌the‌‌alcoholic‌‌in‌‌hopes‌‌that‌‌they‌‌will‌‌change.‌‌Eventually‌‌many‌‌ACoA’s‌‌
shut‌ ‌down,‌ ‌detach‌ ‌and‌ ‌accept‌ ‌at‌ ‌the‌ ‌core‌ ‌of‌‌their‌‌being‌‌that‌‌they‌‌were‌‌the‌‌cause‌‌or‌‌contributing‌‌
cause‌‌of‌‌the‌ ‌family‌‌illness.‌‌In‌‌ACoA‌‌I‌‌had‌‌to‌‌get‌‌very‌‌clear‌‌that‌‌I‌‌didn't‌‌cause‌‌my‌‌father's‌‌rage‌‌just‌‌
because‌ ‌I‌ ‌had‌ ‌an‌ ‌accident‌ ‌in‌‌the‌‌bathroom.‌‌And‌‌I‌‌didn't‌‌cause‌‌my‌‌mother‌‌to‌‌die‌‌by‌‌being‌‌a‌‌"bad‌‌
boy."‌ ‌I‌ ‌was‌ ‌innocent‌ ‌on‌ ‌all‌ ‌counts,‌ ‌but‌‌back‌‌then‌‌I‌‌believed‌‌at‌‌the‌‌core‌‌of‌‌my‌‌soul‌‌that‌‌I‌‌was‌‌the‌‌
cause.‌‌Today‌‌I‌‌have‌‌to‌‌be‌‌ever‌‌alert‌‌lest‌‌I‌‌inappropriately‌‌accept‌‌blame‌‌or‌‌guilt.‌ ‌ ‌

As‌ ‌an‌ ‌adult‌ ‌in‌ ‌ACoA‌ ‌I‌ ‌can‌ ‌change‌ ‌my‌ ‌early‌ ‌script.‌ ‌First,‌ ‌I‌ ‌need‌ ‌awareness,‌ ‌to‌‌understand‌‌
that‌ ‌the‌ ‌role‌ ‌I‌ ‌played‌ ‌as‌ ‌a‌ ‌child‌‌for‌‌my‌‌parents'‌‌benefit‌‌was‌‌a‌‌sick‌‌one.‌‌And,‌‌if‌‌I‌‌continue‌‌to‌‌play‌
that‌ ‌role‌ ‌and‌ ‌repeat‌ ‌those‌ ‌actions‌ ‌as‌ ‌an‌ ‌adult,‌ ‌it‌ ‌will‌ ‌only‌ ‌make‌ ‌me‌ ‌sicker.‌ ‌I‌ ‌must‌ ‌fully‌ ‌accept‌‌

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without‌ ‌reservation‌ ‌that‌ ‌I‌ ‌did‌ ‌not‌ ‌cause‌ ‌my‌ ‌parents‌ ‌to‌ ‌drink.‌ ‌As‌ ‌a‌ ‌little‌ ‌child‌ ‌I‌ ‌didn't‌ ‌have‌ ‌that‌‌
kind‌‌of‌‌power,‌‌though‌ ‌many‌‌times‌‌I‌‌wished‌‌I‌‌had‌‌the‌‌power‌‌to‌‌stop‌‌their‌‌insane‌‌behaviour.‌ ‌ ‌

Our‌‌Personal‌‌Rage‌‌and‌‌Sorrow‌ ‌

Two‌‌very‌‌powerful‌‌emotions‌‌buffet‌‌the‌‌ACoA‌‌about:‌‌an‌‌emerging‌‌rage‌‌at‌‌one's‌‌parents‌‌and‌‌
a‌‌deep,‌‌aching‌‌sorrow‌‌over‌‌a‌‌lost‌‌childhood.‌‌Alcohol‌‌and‌‌the‌‌family‌‌environment‌‌that‌‌went‌‌with‌‌it‌‌
robs‌‌all‌‌ACoA’s‌‌of‌‌a‌‌healthy,‌‌spontaneous‌‌and‌‌nurturing‌‌childhood.‌‌Our‌‌youthful‌‌joys‌‌were‌‌always‌‌
being‌ ‌trampled‌ ‌by‌‌the‌‌family‌‌sickness.‌‌For‌‌most‌‌of‌‌us‌‌one‌‌of‌‌the‌‌truly‌‌damaging‌‌aspects‌‌of‌‌being‌‌
raised‌ ‌in‌ ‌an‌ ‌alcoholic‌ ‌household‌ ‌was‌ ‌our‌‌treatment‌‌as‌‌a‌‌nonperson.‌‌Part‌‌of‌‌this‌‌process‌‌of‌‌being‌‌
robbed‌‌of‌‌any‌‌individuality‌‌as‌‌a‌‌human‌‌being‌‌was‌‌the‌‌need‌‌to‌‌stuff‌‌feelings‌‌of‌‌anger‌‌and‌‌resistance.‌‌
In‌‌my‌‌family‌‌there‌‌was‌‌only‌‌one‌‌person‌‌who‌‌could‌‌directly‌‌express‌‌anger‌‌and‌‌rage:‌‌my‌‌father.‌‌The‌‌
rest‌ ‌of‌ ‌us‌ ‌had‌ ‌to‌ ‌suppress‌ ‌our‌ ‌anger‌ ‌at‌ ‌how‌ ‌we‌ ‌were‌ ‌treated.‌ ‌We‌ ‌were‌ ‌not‌ ‌valued,‌ ‌and‌ ‌this‌ ‌was‌‌
never‌ ‌more‌ ‌evident‌ ‌than‌ ‌in‌ ‌the‌ ‌way‌ ‌our‌ ‌feelings‌ ‌and‌ ‌needs‌ ‌were‌ ‌so‌ ‌conveniently‌ ‌ignored.‌ ‌Year‌‌
after‌ ‌year‌ ‌I‌ ‌was‌ ‌forced‌ ‌to‌ ‌stuff‌ ‌my‌ ‌feelings‌ ‌until‌ ‌somewhere‌ ‌deep‌ ‌inside‌ ‌me,‌ ‌I‌ ‌developed‌ ‌this‌‌
molten‌‌ball‌‌of‌‌rage‌‌at‌‌all‌ ‌the‌‌times‌‌I‌‌had‌‌been‌‌abused‌‌and‌‌invalidated.‌ ‌ ‌

I‌‌think‌‌that‌‌this‌‌core‌‌of‌‌rage‌‌is‌‌within‌‌all‌‌ACoA’s‌‌and‌‌all‌‌abused‌‌children.‌‌Many‌‌ACoA’s‌‌have‌‌
shared‌ ‌how‌ ‌their‌ ‌rage‌ ‌became‌ ‌strangled‌ ‌by‌ ‌their‌ ‌loyalty‌ ‌to‌ ‌their‌ ‌parents.‌ ‌How‌ ‌could‌ ‌parents‌ ‌be‌‌
wrong?‌ ‌Parents‌ ‌were‌ ‌to‌ ‌be‌ ‌respected‌ ‌-‌‌not‌‌because‌‌of‌‌what‌‌they‌‌did‌‌and‌‌how‌‌they‌‌treated‌‌us‌‌but‌‌
just‌ ‌because‌ ‌they‌ ‌were‌ ‌our‌ ‌parents.‌ ‌Therefore,‌ ‌we‌ ‌must‌ ‌be‌ ‌mistaken‌‌in‌‌our‌‌perceptions‌‌of‌‌them.‌‌
Always,‌ ‌it‌ ‌seems‌ ‌we‌ ‌were‌ ‌the‌ ‌ones‌ ‌who‌ ‌were‌ ‌wrong,‌ ‌inappropriate,‌ ‌stupid‌ ‌and‌ ‌foolish.‌‌Just‌‌how‌‌
the‌ ‌ball‌ ‌of‌ ‌rage‌ ‌was‌ ‌created‌ ‌varies‌ ‌from‌ ‌person‌ ‌to‌‌person.‌‌But‌‌for‌‌just‌‌about‌‌every‌‌one‌‌of‌‌us‌‌it‌‌is‌‌
there,‌‌and‌‌we‌ ‌need‌‌to‌‌deal‌‌with‌‌it‌‌in‌‌recovery.‌ ‌ ‌

Suggestions‌‌for‌‌Healing‌

Where‌‌our‌‌parents‌‌are‌‌concerned,‌‌popular‌‌opinion‌‌might‌‌easily‌‌take‌‌us‌‌down‌‌a‌‌path‌‌that‌‌has‌‌
only‌‌two‌‌recovery‌‌steps:‌‌awareness‌‌and‌‌forgiveness.‌‌Time‌‌and‌‌again,‌‌however,‌‌ACoA’s‌‌have‌‌shared‌‌
how‌ ‌this‌ ‌particular‌ ‌approach‌ ‌didn't‌ ‌work‌ ‌for‌ ‌them.‌ ‌The‌ ‌cumulative‌ ‌rage‌‌had‌‌stayed‌‌stuffed.‌‌The‌‌
grieving‌ ‌over‌ ‌the‌ ‌lost‌ ‌childhood‌ ‌had‌‌been‌‌dismissed‌‌as‌‌self-indulgent‌‌or‌‌theatrical.‌‌Theory‌‌has‌‌it‌‌
that‌‌once‌‌you‌‌are‌‌aware‌‌of‌‌the‌‌real‌‌nature‌‌of‌‌a‌‌situation‌‌(our‌‌parents'‌‌alcoholism),‌‌you‌‌are‌‌then‌‌able‌‌
to‌‌move‌‌on‌‌to‌‌forgiving‌‌them‌‌their‌‌disease,‌‌as‌‌they‌‌too‌‌were‌‌victims.‌‌But‌‌ACoA‌‌suggests‌‌that‌‌there‌‌
is‌ ‌a‌ ‌central‌ ‌issue‌ ‌that‌‌absolutely‌‌needs‌‌to‌‌be‌‌addressed‌‌before‌‌a‌‌person‌‌can‌‌reach‌‌the‌‌forgiveness‌‌
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stage.‌‌We‌ ‌cannot‌‌rationalize‌‌or‌‌intellectualize‌‌our‌‌way‌‌through‌‌this‌‌stage,‌‌we‌‌have‌‌to‌‌experience‌‌it‌‌
in‌‌all‌‌its‌‌intensity.‌‌That‌‌immense‌‌well‌‌of‌‌rage‌‌and‌‌self-pity‌‌needs‌‌to‌‌be‌‌brought‌‌to‌‌the‌‌surface‌‌and‌
openly‌ ‌experienced.‌ ‌Until‌ ‌this‌ ‌is‌ ‌done,‌ ‌dealing‌ ‌with‌ ‌parents‌ ‌is‌ ‌largely‌ ‌an‌ ‌exercise‌ ‌in‌‌futility.‌‌We‌‌
absolutely‌ ‌need‌ ‌to‌ ‌feel‌ ‌all‌ ‌those‌ ‌mind-numbing‌ ‌feelings‌ ‌of‌ ‌helplessness‌‌and‌‌the‌‌rage‌‌it‌‌triggered‌‌
then‌ ‌and‌‌will‌‌trigger‌‌now‌‌as‌‌we‌‌relive‌‌those‌‌distant‌‌days.‌‌It‌‌can't‌‌remain‌‌blocked.‌‌It's‌‌a‌‌poison‌‌in‌‌
our‌ ‌system‌ ‌and‌ ‌it‌ ‌needs‌ ‌to‌‌be‌‌brought‌‌up‌‌if‌‌we‌‌are‌‌to‌‌recover.‌‌Most‌‌ACoA’s‌‌need‌‌to‌‌feel‌‌the‌‌rage‌‌
and‌‌sorrow‌‌over‌‌and‌‌over‌‌again‌‌until‌‌it‌‌is‌‌spent.‌‌This‌‌generally‌‌can't‌‌be‌‌achieved‌‌in‌‌a‌‌single‌‌week.‌‌
Believe‌ ‌me‌ ‌when‌ ‌I‌ ‌say‌ ‌that‌ ‌all‌ ‌ACoA’s‌ ‌have‌ ‌a‌‌huge‌‌reservoir‌‌of‌‌pain‌‌to‌‌contend‌‌with,‌‌not‌‌a‌‌neat,‌‌
tidy‌ ‌thimbleful.‌ ‌Finding‌ ‌a‌ ‌safe‌‌outlet‌‌for‌‌all‌‌this‌‌pent-up,‌‌suppressed‌‌bile‌‌is‌‌essential.‌‌Many‌‌of‌‌us‌‌
have‌ ‌spent‌ ‌our‌ ‌adult‌ ‌years‌ ‌venting‌ ‌this‌ ‌rage‌ ‌at‌ ‌inappropriate‌ ‌times,‌ ‌directing‌ ‌it‌ ‌at‌ ‌those‌ ‌who‌‌
resembled‌‌or‌‌represented‌‌our‌ ‌parents.‌ ‌ ‌

Most‌ ‌likely‌ ‌the‌ ‌sorrow‌ ‌has‌ ‌made‌ ‌us‌ ‌distant,‌ ‌unavailable‌ ‌and‌ ‌depressed.‌ ‌We‌ ‌were‌‌
experiencing‌ ‌minor‌ ‌volcanic‌ ‌eruptions,‌ ‌and‌ ‌some‌ ‌of‌ ‌the‌ ‌lava‌ ‌was‌ ‌getting‌ ‌to‌ ‌the‌‌surface‌‌where‌‌it‌‌
singed‌ ‌friends,‌ ‌spouse‌ ‌and‌ ‌children‌ ‌but‌ ‌seldom,‌ ‌if‌ ‌ever,‌ ‌our‌ ‌alcoholic‌ ‌parents.‌ ‌ACoA‌ ‌meetings‌‌
offer‌ ‌a‌ ‌safe,‌ ‌secure,‌ ‌supportive‌ ‌environment‌ ‌where‌ ‌we‌ ‌can‌ ‌begin‌ ‌to‌ ‌experience‌ ‌these‌ ‌powerful‌‌
feelings‌ ‌and‌ ‌express‌ ‌them.‌ ‌ACoA‌ ‌members‌ ‌understand‌ ‌what‌ ‌is‌ ‌happening‌ ‌and‌ ‌do‌ ‌not‌‌invalidate‌‌
the‌ ‌member‌ ‌who‌ ‌has‌ ‌just‌ ‌gotten‌ ‌in‌ ‌touch‌ ‌with‌ ‌a‌ ‌core‌ ‌of‌ ‌pure‌ ‌rage.‌ ‌Sometimes‌ ‌when‌ ‌members‌‌
erupt,‌‌it‌‌can‌‌be‌‌frightening‌‌and‌ ‌uncomfortable.‌‌Some‌‌new‌‌members‌‌become‌‌very‌‌disturbed‌‌by‌‌the‌‌
process‌‌and‌‌retreat.‌‌It's‌‌amazing‌‌how‌‌at‌‌a‌‌funeral,‌‌relatives‌‌are‌‌encouraged‌‌to‌‌wail‌‌and‌‌get‌‌in‌‌touch‌‌
with‌ ‌their‌ ‌grief‌ ‌and‌ ‌sorrow;‌ ‌experience‌ ‌it‌ ‌fully‌ ‌right‌ ‌at‌ ‌the‌ ‌grave‌ ‌site;‌ ‌exhaust‌ ‌themselves‌ ‌over‌‌
many‌ ‌hours‌ ‌and‌ ‌days‌ ‌of‌ ‌active‌ ‌mourning.‌ ‌This‌ ‌process‌ ‌is‌ ‌seen‌ ‌as‌ ‌restorative‌ ‌and‌ ‌wholesome.‌ ‌In‌‌
ACoA‌‌expressing‌‌rage‌‌and‌‌sorrow‌‌at‌‌one's‌‌parents‌‌and‌‌what‌‌happened‌‌in‌‌our‌‌childhood‌‌is‌‌equally‌‌
restorative.‌ ‌It's‌ ‌a‌ ‌rite‌ ‌of‌ ‌passage‌ ‌to‌ ‌a‌ ‌new‌ ‌life.‌ ‌Don't‌ ‌be‌ ‌afraid‌ ‌of‌ ‌the‌ ‌process.‌ ‌Encourage‌ ‌it‌ ‌in‌‌
yourself‌ ‌and‌ ‌in‌ ‌others.‌ ‌Try‌ ‌to‌ ‌be‌ ‌considerate‌ ‌of‌ ‌others‌ ‌when‌ ‌you‌ ‌express‌ ‌your‌ ‌rage‌ ‌but,‌ ‌more‌‌
importantly,‌‌don't‌‌suppress‌‌or‌‌cut‌‌off‌‌the‌‌rage‌‌and‌‌sorrow.‌ ‌ ‌

Some‌‌of‌‌us‌‌work‌‌with‌‌our‌‌rage‌‌in‌‌the‌‌following‌‌ways:‌ ‌ ‌

1. Share‌‌with‌‌one‌‌or‌‌two‌‌close‌‌friends‌‌in‌‌a‌‌safe‌‌location‌‌and‌‌shout‌‌out‌‌what‌‌you‌‌feel.‌ ‌ ‌
2. At‌ ‌home,‌ ‌hit‌ ‌pillows,‌ ‌cushions‌ ‌or‌ ‌a‌ ‌punching‌‌bag‌‌to‌‌absorb‌‌the‌‌energy‌‌that‌‌goes‌‌with‌‌
your‌‌fury,‌‌accompanied‌‌by‌‌all‌‌the‌‌words‌‌you‌‌never‌‌expressed.‌ ‌ ‌

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 3. Go‌ ‌into‌ ‌the‌ ‌woods‌ ‌and‌ ‌scream‌ ‌at‌ ‌the‌ ‌universe,‌ ‌your‌ ‌Higher‌ ‌Power‌ ‌or‌ ‌whatever‌ ‌
representation‌‌fits.‌‌If‌‌you‌‌live‌‌near‌‌a‌‌beach,‌‌you‌‌can‌‌yell‌‌at‌‌the‌‌top‌‌of‌‌your‌‌voice‌‌at‌‌the‌‌
surf.‌ ‌ ‌
4. Write‌ ‌a‌ ‌letter‌ ‌to‌ ‌parents‌ ‌without‌ ‌editing‌ ‌or‌ ‌toning‌‌down‌‌your‌‌passion‌‌and‌‌rage.‌‌Then‌‌
read‌ ‌it‌ ‌over‌ ‌a‌ ‌few‌ ‌times‌ ‌and‌ ‌share‌ ‌it‌ ‌with‌ ‌a‌ ‌supportive‌‌and‌‌understanding‌‌friend.‌‌But‌‌
don't‌‌mail‌‌it!‌ ‌ ‌

If‌‌you're‌‌confronting‌‌sorrow,‌‌write‌‌about‌‌the‌‌broken‌‌promises‌‌and‌‌the‌‌hurt‌‌of‌‌the‌‌lost‌‌child‌‌
within‌ ‌you.‌ ‌Describe‌ ‌all‌ ‌those‌ ‌moments‌ ‌that‌ ‌failed.‌ ‌Most‌ ‌ACoA’s‌ ‌will‌‌confirm‌‌that‌‌holding‌‌onto‌‌
these‌ ‌powerful‌ ‌emotions‌ ‌eventually‌ ‌will‌ ‌cause‌ ‌some‌ ‌kind‌ ‌of‌‌illness,‌‌either‌‌physical‌‌or‌‌emotional.‌‌
The‌ ‌human‌ ‌body‌ ‌often‌ ‌produces‌ ‌a‌ ‌stress-related‌ ‌illness‌ ‌that‌ ‌reflects‌ ‌the‌ ‌pain‌ ‌and‌ ‌rage‌ ‌being‌‌
stuffed.‌ ‌ ‌

Confronting‌‌Our‌‌Parents‌‌ ‌

Some‌‌ACoA’s‌‌feel‌‌that‌‌it‌‌is‌‌essential‌‌that‌‌they‌‌communicate‌‌their‌‌feelings‌‌to‌‌their‌‌parents.‌‌If‌‌
your‌ ‌parents‌ ‌are‌ ‌alive‌ ‌you‌ ‌can‌ ‌write‌ ‌to‌ ‌them,‌ ‌telephone‌ ‌them‌ ‌or‌ ‌visit‌ ‌them.‌ ‌If‌ ‌your‌‌parent(s)‌‌are‌‌
deceased,‌ ‌you‌ ‌can‌ ‌always‌ ‌ask‌ ‌a‌ ‌supportive‌ ‌friend‌ ‌to‌ ‌play‌ ‌their‌ ‌silent‌ ‌role‌ ‌while‌ ‌you‌ ‌unburden‌‌
yourself.‌ ‌ ‌

In‌‌any‌‌direct‌‌sharing‌‌with‌‌your‌‌parents‌‌there‌‌are‌‌some‌‌risks:‌‌ ‌

1. Parents'‌‌denial‌‌that‌‌there‌‌was‌‌alcoholism‌‌or‌‌sick‌‌behaviour.‌ ‌ ‌
2. Debate‌‌about‌‌the‌‌severity‌‌of‌‌the‌‌problems.‌‌ ‌
3. Outright‌‌attack,‌‌criticism‌‌and‌‌invalidation‌‌of‌‌what‌‌you‌‌say‌‌and‌‌who‌‌you‌‌are.‌ ‌ ‌
4. Indifference‌‌and‌‌remoteness.‌ ‌ ‌
5. Belief‌ ‌that‌ ‌the‌ ‌children‌ ‌or‌ ‌outside‌ ‌circumstances‌ ‌caused‌ ‌all‌ ‌of‌ ‌the‌ ‌problems.‌ ‌When‌‌
you‌ ‌approach‌‌your‌‌parents‌‌directly,‌‌it's‌‌best‌‌to‌‌keep‌‌in‌‌mind‌‌that‌‌they:‌ ‌ ‌

i.‌‌Probably‌‌won't‌‌agree‌‌with‌‌your‌‌interpretations‌‌and‌‌views‌‌of‌‌what‌‌happened.‌ ‌ ‌

ii.‌‌Probably‌‌won't‌‌react‌‌as‌‌you‌‌would‌‌like‌‌-that‌‌is,‌‌admitting‌‌to‌‌it‌‌all,‌‌apologizing‌‌and‌‌
begging‌‌for‌ ‌forgiveness.‌ ‌ ‌

iii.‌‌Probably‌‌won't‌‌change‌‌their‌‌way‌‌of‌‌treating‌‌you‌‌to‌‌any‌‌extent.‌‌Your‌‌role‌‌and‌‌their‌‌
way‌‌of‌ ‌treating‌‌you‌‌was‌‌established‌‌many‌‌years‌‌ago.‌ ‌ ‌
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 iv.‌ ‌May‌ ‌decide‌ ‌to‌ ‌punish‌ ‌you‌ ‌in‌ ‌some‌ ‌way‌ ‌for‌ ‌bringing‌ ‌up‌ ‌old‌ ‌pain.‌ ‌They‌ ‌may‌ ‌even‌‌
cease‌‌contact‌‌with‌‌you.‌ ‌ ‌

Many‌ ‌confrontations‌ ‌lead‌ ‌to‌ ‌a‌ ‌sort‌ ‌of‌ ‌touchy‌‌and‌‌suspicious‌‌armistice.‌‌Clear-cut‌‌victory‌‌is‌‌

rare.‌ ‌It‌ ‌goes‌ ‌against‌ ‌human‌ ‌nature.‌ ‌Often‌ ‌what‌ ‌the‌ ‌ACoA‌ ‌really‌ ‌desires‌ ‌is‌ ‌that‌ ‌the‌ ‌parents‌‌
suddenly‌ ‌transform‌ ‌themselves‌ ‌into‌ ‌the‌ ‌loving,‌ ‌nurturing,‌ ‌sensitive‌ ‌parents‌ ‌they‌‌just‌‌couldn't‌‌be‌‌
because‌‌of‌‌their‌‌illness.‌‌This‌‌set‌‌of‌‌events‌‌will‌‌require‌‌understanding‌‌and‌‌acceptance‌‌on‌‌the‌‌part‌‌of‌‌
the‌ ‌ACoA.‌ ‌The‌ ‌only‌ ‌element‌ ‌of‌ ‌the‌ ‌family‌ ‌soap‌ ‌opera‌ ‌we‌ ‌can‌‌change‌‌is‌‌who‌‌we‌‌are‌‌and‌‌how‌‌we‌‌
choose‌ ‌to‌ ‌behave.‌ ‌A‌ ‌forthright‌ ‌and‌ ‌direct‌ ‌approach‌ ‌to‌ ‌our‌ ‌parents‌ ‌can,‌ ‌however,‌‌lead‌‌a‌‌new‌‌and‌‌
more‌‌meaningful‌‌relationship.‌‌We‌‌can‌‌establish‌‌a‌‌more‌‌honest,‌‌fearless‌‌level‌‌of‌‌communication.‌‌A‌‌
new‌ ‌sense‌ ‌of‌ ‌respect‌ ‌and‌ ‌understanding‌ ‌can‌ ‌emerge‌ ‌out‌ ‌of‌ ‌confrontation.‌ ‌Such‌ ‌actions‌ ‌can‌ ‌be‌‌
freeing‌ ‌as‌ ‌long‌‌as‌‌we‌‌don't‌‌have‌‌unreasonable‌‌expectations‌‌concerning‌‌the‌‌outcome.‌‌In‌‌short,‌‌we‌‌
can‌‌decide‌‌to‌ ‌accept‌‌our‌‌parents‌‌even‌‌if‌‌they‌‌make‌‌no‌‌changes‌‌or‌‌adjustments.‌ ‌ ‌

Leaving‌‌Home‌‌Emotionally‌‌ ‌

We‌ ‌start‌ ‌to‌ ‌leave‌ ‌home‌ ‌emotionally‌ ‌when‌ ‌we‌ ‌stop‌ ‌reacting‌ ‌negatively‌ ‌to‌ ‌some‌ ‌of‌ ‌the‌‌
situations‌ ‌and‌ ‌people‌ ‌our‌ ‌parents‌ ‌and‌ ‌family‌ ‌always‌ ‌reacted‌ ‌to.‌ ‌When‌ ‌we‌ ‌can‌‌act‌‌spontaneously‌‌
and‌ ‌responsibly‌ ‌in‌ ‌familiar‌ ‌stressful‌ ‌situations‌ ‌that‌ ‌created‌ ‌chaos‌ ‌in‌ ‌our‌ ‌family,‌ ‌then‌ ‌we‌ ‌have‌‌
successfully‌ ‌begun‌‌our‌ ‌emotional‌‌journey‌‌away‌‌from‌‌our‌‌parents.‌‌Unconsciously‌‌many‌‌of‌‌us‌‌stay‌‌
tied‌ ‌to‌ ‌toxic‌ ‌parents‌ ‌much‌ ‌longer‌‌than‌‌we‌‌know.‌‌I'm‌‌reminded‌‌of‌‌one‌‌group‌‌member‌‌who‌‌spent‌‌
months‌‌lamenting‌‌the‌‌fact‌‌that‌‌she‌‌was,‌‌for‌‌economic‌‌reasons,‌‌still‌‌living‌‌with‌‌her‌‌abusive‌‌mother.‌‌
Finally,‌‌she‌‌informed‌‌us‌‌that‌‌she‌‌had‌‌moved‌‌out‌‌and‌‌taken‌‌her‌‌own‌‌apartment.‌‌Six‌‌months‌‌later‌‌we‌‌
discovered‌‌that‌‌her‌‌new‌ ‌apartment‌‌was‌‌located‌‌directly‌‌below‌‌her‌‌mother's‌‌in‌‌the‌‌same‌‌building.‌‌
The‌ ‌ties‌ ‌that‌ ‌bind‌ ‌can‌ ‌be‌ ‌truly‌ ‌powerful.‌ ‌There‌ ‌are‌‌many‌‌ways‌‌to‌‌stay‌‌unhealthily‌‌linked‌‌to‌‌your‌‌
parents‌‌in‌‌a‌‌dependent‌‌and‌ ‌leaning‌‌manner:‌ ‌ ‌

1. Living‌‌with‌‌parent(s)‌‌in‌‌their‌‌home.‌ ‌ ‌
2. Being‌‌fully‌‌or‌‌partially‌‌supported‌‌(financially)‌‌by‌‌one‌‌or‌‌both‌‌parents.‌ ‌ ‌
3. Spending‌ ‌most‌ ‌or‌ ‌all‌ ‌of‌ ‌your‌ ‌spare‌ ‌time‌ ‌with‌ ‌your‌ ‌parents‌ ‌rather‌ ‌than‌ ‌developing‌ ‌
friendships‌‌with‌‌contemporaries‌‌and‌‌peers.‌ ‌ ‌
4. Always‌‌vacationing‌‌with‌‌parents.‌ ‌ ‌
5. Fully‌‌or‌‌partially‌‌supporting‌‌parents‌‌out‌‌of‌‌feelings‌‌of‌‌guilt‌‌or‌‌obligation.‌ ‌ ‌

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 6. Daily‌‌visits,‌‌daily‌‌phone‌‌calls,‌‌working‌‌for‌‌parents’‌‌companies‌‌are‌‌all‌‌ways‌‌to‌‌keep‌‌the‌‌
old‌‌dynamics‌‌fresh.‌ ‌ ‌

Keep‌‌in‌‌mind‌‌that‌‌in‌‌the‌‌above‌‌scenarios‌‌the‌‌important‌‌factor‌‌is‌‌that‌‌our‌‌parent(s)‌‌continue‌‌
to‌ ‌treat‌ ‌us‌ ‌in‌ ‌destructive,‌ ‌punishing‌ ‌or‌ ‌indifferent‌ ‌ways‌ ‌that‌ ‌are‌ ‌similar‌ ‌in‌ ‌manner‌ ‌to‌ ‌our‌‌
childhood‌‌treatment‌‌and‌‌evoke‌‌the‌‌same‌‌kinds‌‌of‌‌negative‌‌responses.‌‌We‌‌are‌‌still‌‌buried‌‌alive.‌‌In‌‌
our‌‌dealings‌‌with‌‌our‌ ‌parents‌‌we‌‌continue‌‌to‌‌lose‌‌our‌‌spontaneity,‌‌our‌‌aliveness‌‌-‌‌our‌‌independent‌‌
selves.‌‌Some‌‌of‌‌us‌‌need‌ ‌to‌‌stay‌‌clear‌‌of‌‌toxic‌‌parents‌‌during‌‌early‌‌recovery.‌‌Once‌‌an‌‌individual‌‌has‌‌
embraced‌ ‌ACoA‌ ‌and‌ ‌comes‌ ‌to‌ ‌understand‌ ‌the‌ ‌nature‌ ‌of‌ ‌the‌ ‌illness,‌ ‌stress‌ ‌and‌ ‌conflict‌ ‌with‌‌
parents‌ ‌(especially‌ ‌those‌ ‌who‌ ‌are‌ ‌still‌‌alcoholically‌‌active)‌‌is‌‌quite‌‌natural.‌‌The‌‌family‌‌secrets‌‌are‌‌
no‌‌longer‌‌sacred.‌‌We‌‌stop‌‌making‌‌excuses‌ ‌for‌‌our‌‌parents'‌‌sick‌‌behaviour.‌‌We‌‌also‌‌may‌‌learn‌‌how‌‌
we‌ ‌enable‌ ‌parents‌ ‌to‌ ‌continue‌ ‌their‌ ‌toxic‌ ‌journey.‌ ‌We‌ ‌resist‌ ‌and‌ ‌eventually‌ ‌repudiate‌ ‌the‌ ‌guilty,‌‌
over‌ ‌responsible‌ ‌victim‌ ‌role.‌ ‌As‌ ‌we‌ ‌detach‌ ‌emotionally,‌ ‌our‌ ‌parents‌ ‌and‌ ‌their‌ ‌injunctions‌ ‌no‌‌
longer‌‌control‌‌us.‌‌It‌‌is‌‌at‌‌this‌‌point‌‌that‌‌conflict‌‌becomes‌‌most‌‌intense.‌‌As‌‌we‌‌declare‌‌ourselves‌‌to‌‌
be‌‌worthwhile,‌‌valued‌‌human‌‌beings‌‌who‌‌deserve‌‌respect,‌‌our‌‌sickness‌‌abates‌‌but‌‌not‌‌necessarily‌‌
that‌‌of‌‌our‌‌parents.‌‌This‌‌leaves‌‌a‌‌void‌‌that‌‌needs‌‌special‌‌attention.‌‌At‌‌this‌‌juncture‌‌we‌‌can‌‌begin‌‌to‌‌
address‌‌the‌‌issue‌‌of‌‌forgiveness.‌ ‌ ‌

Forgiving‌‌Our‌‌Parents‌ ‌ ‌

Of‌ ‌all‌ ‌the‌ ‌tasks‌ ‌we‌ ‌are‌ ‌asked‌ ‌to‌ ‌consider‌ ‌in‌ ‌ACoA,‌ ‌none‌ ‌is‌ ‌more‌ ‌challenging‌ ‌than‌ ‌a‌‌
willingness‌‌to‌‌forgive.‌‌Forgiveness‌‌and‌‌letting‌‌go‌‌of‌‌judgments‌‌about‌‌our‌‌parents‌‌are‌‌a‌‌major‌‌point‌‌
of‌‌recovery.‌‌We‌ ‌need‌‌to‌‌be‌‌responsible‌‌for‌‌the‌‌way‌‌in‌‌which‌‌we‌‌hold‌‌or‌‌cherish‌‌our‌‌parents.‌‌Before‌‌
we‌‌can‌‌move‌‌into‌‌this‌‌critical‌‌arena,‌‌before‌‌we‌‌can‌‌do‌‌healing‌‌work‌‌with‌‌our‌‌parents,‌‌there‌‌is‌‌one‌‌
prerequisite:‌‌forgiveness‌‌of‌‌self.‌‌In‌‌order‌‌to‌‌forgive‌‌my‌‌parents,‌‌I‌‌had‌‌to‌‌start‌‌by‌‌forgiving‌‌myself.‌‌I‌‌
had‌ ‌to‌ ‌travel‌ ‌well‌ ‌down‌ ‌the‌ ‌action‌ ‌road‌ ‌to‌ ‌personal‌ ‌recovery.‌ ‌Forgiving‌ ‌myself‌ ‌meant‌ ‌that‌‌I‌‌had‌‌
developed‌‌a‌‌new‌ ‌and‌‌positive‌‌understanding‌‌of‌‌myself.‌‌I‌‌accepted‌‌that‌‌I‌‌was‌‌a‌‌valuable‌‌and‌‌lovable‌‌
human‌ ‌being‌ ‌and‌ ‌I‌ ‌took‌ ‌actions,‌ ‌daily,‌ ‌to‌ ‌reinforce‌ ‌that‌ ‌belief.‌ ‌My‌ ‌faith‌ ‌in‌ ‌myself‌ ‌had‌ ‌to‌ ‌be‌‌
matched‌ ‌by‌ ‌actions.‌ ‌Once‌ ‌I‌ ‌reached‌ ‌this‌ ‌stage‌ ‌in‌ ‌forgiving‌ ‌myself,‌ ‌I‌ ‌could‌ ‌begin‌ ‌the‌ ‌task‌ ‌of‌‌
forgiving‌‌my‌‌parents.‌‌The‌‌logic‌‌is‌‌as‌‌follows:‌ ‌ ‌

1. I‌‌unwittingly‌‌took‌‌on‌‌most‌‌of‌‌the‌‌characteristics‌‌of‌‌both‌‌my‌‌parents.‌ ‌ ‌
2. These‌‌behaviour‌‌patterns‌‌and‌‌beliefs‌‌are‌‌all‌‌inside‌‌me.‌ ‌ ‌

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 3. The‌‌traits‌‌I‌‌most‌‌disliked‌‌in‌‌them,‌‌I‌‌carry.‌ ‌ ‌
4. I‌‌must‌‌accept,‌‌embrace‌‌and‌‌work‌‌at‌‌changing‌‌these‌‌negative‌‌traits‌‌in‌‌me.‌ ‌ ‌
5. Once‌‌I‌‌have‌‌neutralized‌‌them‌‌in‌‌me,‌‌I‌‌can‌‌move‌‌on‌‌to‌‌forgiving‌‌my‌‌parents‌‌for‌‌
these‌‌traits‌‌and‌‌how‌‌they‌‌harmed‌‌me.‌ ‌ ‌
6. It's‌ ‌difficult‌ ‌to‌ ‌forgive‌ ‌my‌ ‌parents'‌ ‌behaviour‌ ‌if‌ ‌I‌ ‌loathe‌ ‌or‌ ‌deny‌ ‌that‌ ‌same‌‌
behaviour‌‌in‌ ‌myself.‌ ‌ ‌

I‌‌may‌‌have‌‌travelled‌‌an‌‌entirely‌‌different‌‌road‌‌in‌‌my‌‌life‌‌and‌‌made‌‌every‌‌effort‌‌not‌‌to‌‌be‌‌like‌‌
my‌ ‌parents,‌‌but‌‌I‌‌am.‌‌And‌‌as‌‌I‌‌work‌‌the‌‌fourth‌‌step‌‌of‌‌ACoA‌‌recovery‌‌and‌‌undertake‌‌a‌‌blameless‌‌
review‌ ‌of‌ ‌my‌ ‌parents'‌ ‌behaviour‌ ‌patterns,‌ ‌I‌ ‌will‌ ‌come‌ ‌face‌ ‌to‌ ‌face‌ ‌with‌ ‌my‌ ‌own‌ ‌defects‌ ‌and‌‌
shortcomings.‌ ‌I‌ ‌must‌ ‌see‌ ‌that‌ ‌in‌ ‌stressful‌ ‌situations‌ ‌I‌ ‌typically‌ ‌recreated‌ ‌the‌ ‌dysfunctional‌‌
behaviour‌ ‌of‌ ‌my‌ ‌parents.‌ ‌As‌ ‌a‌ ‌child‌ ‌I‌ ‌had‌ ‌no‌ ‌choice.‌ ‌Their‌ ‌sickness‌‌was‌‌my‌‌model,‌‌my‌‌teaching‌‌
system.‌‌As‌‌I‌‌work‌‌on‌‌myself‌‌to‌‌change‌‌these‌‌destructive‌‌patterns,‌‌I‌‌am‌‌laying‌‌the‌‌groundwork‌‌for‌‌
forgiving‌‌my‌‌parents.‌ ‌ ‌

Now‌‌comes‌‌the‌‌most‌‌difficult‌‌part‌‌of‌‌the‌‌effort‌‌to‌‌forgive‌‌your‌‌parents‌‌-‌‌and‌‌for‌‌many‌‌it‌‌is‌‌a‌ ‌
monumental‌ ‌effort.‌ ‌Here‌ ‌spirituality‌ ‌and‌ ‌compassion‌ ‌combine‌ ‌to‌ ‌produce‌ ‌a‌ ‌willingness‌ ‌to‌‌
honestly‌‌contemplate‌‌and‌‌work‌‌along‌‌a‌‌forgiveness‌‌path.‌‌ ‌

This‌‌path‌‌might‌‌consist‌‌of‌‌the‌‌following‌‌guidelines:‌ ‌ ‌

1. Pray‌ ‌for‌ ‌a‌ ‌continued‌‌willingness‌‌to‌‌let‌‌go‌‌of‌‌your‌‌judgments‌‌about‌‌them‌‌and‌‌to‌‌gain‌‌a‌ ‌

recognition‌ ‌that‌ ‌if‌ ‌there‌ ‌is‌ ‌a‌ ‌culprit,‌ ‌it‌ ‌is‌ ‌the‌ ‌disease‌ ‌of‌ ‌alcoholism‌ ‌and‌ ‌the‌ ‌ways‌ ‌in‌‌
which‌‌it‌ ‌ravaged‌‌your‌‌parents.‌ ‌ ‌
2. This‌ ‌process‌ ‌helps‌ ‌us‌ ‌to‌ ‌move‌ ‌toward‌ ‌an‌ ‌acceptance‌ ‌of‌ ‌our‌ ‌parents'‌‌humanity‌‌just‌‌as‌‌
we‌‌have‌ ‌opened‌‌up‌‌to‌‌our‌‌own‌‌humanity‌‌and‌‌that‌‌of‌‌our‌‌fellow‌‌ACoA‌‌members.‌‌Every‌
ACoA‌ ‌needs‌ ‌to‌‌understand‌‌that‌‌forgiveness‌‌of‌‌one's‌‌parents‌‌is‌‌a‌‌way‌‌to‌‌increase‌‌one's‌‌
valuation‌ ‌of‌ ‌oneself.‌‌It’s‌‌a‌‌critical‌‌element‌‌in‌‌your‌‌healing‌‌process.‌‌By‌‌working‌‌on‌‌this‌‌
element,‌‌we‌‌are‌‌choosing‌‌to‌‌move‌ ‌away‌‌from‌‌hatred,‌‌retaliation,‌‌blame,‌‌judgment‌‌and‌‌
scorn‌‌-‌‌a‌‌group‌‌of‌‌traits‌‌that‌‌can‌‌only‌ ‌diminish‌‌our‌‌efforts‌‌to‌‌achieve‌‌self-love.‌ ‌ ‌
3. Develop‌ ‌an‌ ‌understanding‌ ‌of‌ ‌the‌ ‌handicapped‌ ‌or‌ ‌desperate‌ ‌family‌ ‌environment‌ ‌your‌‌
parents‌ ‌came‌ ‌from.‌ ‌Their‌ ‌sick‌ ‌survival‌ ‌mechanisms‌ ‌were‌ ‌the‌ ‌best‌ ‌they‌ ‌could‌ ‌do‌‌with‌‌
what‌‌they‌ ‌inherited‌‌from‌‌their‌‌family‌‌environment.‌ ‌ ‌

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 4. Visualize,‌ ‌if‌‌you‌‌can,‌‌your‌‌parents‌‌as‌‌frightened,‌‌abused‌‌children,‌‌trying‌‌to‌‌escape‌‌and‌‌
survive‌ ‌the‌‌insanity‌‌of‌‌their‌‌early‌‌households.‌ ‌ ‌
5. Use‌ ‌prayer‌ ‌and‌ ‌meditation‌ ‌to‌ ‌help‌ ‌you‌‌understand‌‌that‌‌your‌‌parents‌‌did‌‌the‌‌best‌‌they‌‌
could.‌ ‌Try‌ ‌to‌ ‌see‌ ‌that‌ ‌they‌‌could‌‌barely‌‌be‌‌there‌‌for‌‌themselves‌‌because‌‌they‌‌too‌‌were‌‌
childhood‌ ‌victims.‌ ‌ ‌
6. Accept‌ ‌the‌ ‌fact‌ ‌that‌‌your‌‌parents‌‌had‌‌or‌‌still‌‌have‌‌an‌‌illness‌‌that‌‌distorts‌‌and‌‌destroys‌‌
life's‌‌joys.‌‌They‌‌are‌‌alcoholics,‌‌co-alcoholics‌‌or‌‌para-alcoholics.‌ ‌ ‌
7. Acknowledge‌ ‌that‌ ‌at‌ ‌the‌ ‌present‌ ‌time‌ ‌their‌ ‌way‌ ‌of‌ ‌dealing‌ ‌with‌ ‌their‌ ‌actions‌ ‌and‌‌
attitudes‌‌toward‌‌you‌‌may‌‌consist‌‌of‌‌denial,‌‌resistance‌‌or‌‌indifference.‌ ‌ ‌

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Step‌‌9‌
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We‌‌became‌‌willing‌‌to‌‌accept‌‌our‌‌own‌‌unconditional‌‌love‌‌by‌‌understanding‌‌that‌‌
our‌‌Higher‌‌Power‌‌loves‌‌us‌‌unconditionally.‌ ‌ ‌
We‌ ‌became‌ ‌willing‌ ‌to‌ ‌give‌ ‌to‌ ‌ourselves‌ ‌the‌ ‌unconditional‌ ‌love‌ ‌and‌ ‌acceptance‌ ‌we‌ ‌receive‌‌
from‌‌our‌‌Higher‌‌Power.‌‌By‌‌actively‌‌working‌‌these‌‌steps‌‌we‌‌have‌‌begun‌‌the‌‌process‌‌of‌‌building‌‌self‌‌
appreciation‌ ‌and‌ ‌self-love‌ ‌and‌ ‌affirming‌ ‌ourselves‌ ‌as‌ ‌full‌ ‌of‌ ‌worth‌ ‌and‌ ‌value.‌ ‌We‌ ‌are‌ ‌taking‌ ‌the‌ ‌
important‌ ‌actions‌ ‌that‌ ‌will‌ ‌lead‌ ‌to‌ ‌well-being.‌ ‌We‌ ‌choose‌ ‌to‌ ‌put‌ ‌into‌ ‌play‌ ‌new‌ ‌behaviour,‌ ‌new‌ ‌
responses,‌‌new‌‌attitudes‌‌that‌‌will‌‌lead‌‌directly‌‌to‌‌a‌‌richer,‌‌more‌‌serene‌‌way‌‌of‌‌living.‌‌It‌‌is‌‌essential‌ ‌
that‌‌we‌‌study‌‌these‌‌12‌‌paths‌‌to‌‌self-love.‌‌As‌‌we‌‌learn‌‌to‌‌give‌‌love‌‌to‌‌ourselves,‌‌we‌‌also‌‌learn‌‌to‌‌give‌
love‌‌to‌‌others,‌‌and‌‌to‌‌receive‌‌their‌‌love‌‌openly‌‌and‌‌easily.‌ ‌ ‌

‘I‌ ‌believe‌ ‌that‌ ‌It’s‌‌my‌‌Higher‌‌Power’s‌‌job‌‌to‌‌love‌‌me‌‌unconditionally,‌‌I‌‌also‌‌believe‌‌that‌‌this‌‌Higher‌‌

Power‌ ‌cannot‌ ‌love‌ ‌me‌ ‌unconditionally‌ ‌until‌ ‌I‌ ‌love‌ ‌little‌ ‌Tony‌ ‌unconditionally.‌ ‌And‌ ‌as‌ ‌I‌ ‌love‌ ‌little‌ ‌Tony‌‌
unconditionally‌ ‌and‌‌I‌‌love‌‌him‌‌to‌‌the‌‌extent‌‌that‌‌he‌‌starts‌‌to‌‌become‌‌calm‌‌and‌‌accepting,‌‌then‌‌my‌‌Higher‌‌
Power’s‌ ‌unconditional‌ ‌love‌ ‌starts‌ ‌flowing‌ ‌through‌ ‌me,‌ ‌to‌ ‌him,‌ ‌and‌ ‌then‌ ‌we‌ ‌become‌ ‌a‌ ‌trinity.‌ ‌My‌ ‌Higher‌‌
Power,‌‌me‌‌and‌‌little‌‌Tony‌‌become‌‌merged‌‌in‌‌love‌‌and‌‌as‌‌such‌‌then‌‌we‌‌can‌‌be‌‌presented‌‌basically‌‌to‌‌home‌‌or‌‌
to‌ ‌the‌ ‌source‌ ‌or‌ ‌to‌ ‌God.‌ ‌This‌ ‌is‌ ‌my‌ ‌personal‌ ‌belief.‌ ‌So,‌ ‌my‌ ‌major‌ ‌spiritual‌ ‌job‌ ‌in‌ ‌life‌ ‌is‌ ‌to‌ ‌love‌ ‌this‌ ‌little‌‌
person‌‌within‌‌me.’‌ ‌ ‌

1.‌‌Give‌‌2‌‌examples‌‌of‌‌how‌‌I‌‌love‌‌myself‌‌unconditionally,‌‌like‌‌my‌‌Higher‌‌Power‌‌does.‌ ‌ ‌

2.‌‌How‌‌can‌‌I‌‌expand‌‌this‌‌type‌‌of‌‌love‌‌within‌‌myself‌‌to‌‌be‌‌even‌‌bigger‌‌and‌‌better?‌ ‌ ‌

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Reading‌‌10‌‌-‌‌The‌‌Importance‌‌of‌‌Accountability,‌‌Identifying‌ ‌
Our‌‌Issues‌ ‌
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A‌‌principle‌‌purpose‌‌of‌‌the‌‌Laundry‌‌List‌‌is‌‌to‌‌help‌‌define‌‌a‌‌way‌‌of‌‌living‌‌that‌‌can‌‌at‌‌best‌‌be‌‌
described‌ ‌as‌ ‌troublesome,‌ ‌and‌ ‌at‌ ‌worst‌ ‌terribly‌ ‌punishing.‌ ‌For‌ ‌many‌ ‌new‌ ‌ACoA‌ ‌members,‌ ‌the‌‌
Laundry‌ ‌List‌ ‌is‌ ‌an‌ ‌initial‌ ‌point‌ ‌of‌ ‌identification.‌ ‌Newcomers‌ ‌see‌ ‌in‌ ‌print‌ ‌some‌ ‌of‌ ‌their‌ ‌most‌‌
unwholesome‌ ‌behaviour‌ ‌patterns,‌ ‌their‌ ‌most‌ ‌painful‌ ‌responses‌ ‌to‌ ‌life,‌ ‌and‌ ‌realize‌ ‌they‌ ‌are‌ ‌not‌‌
alone.‌ ‌ ‌

As‌ ‌they‌ ‌attend‌ ‌meetings‌ ‌and‌ ‌start‌ ‌to‌ ‌recount‌ ‌the‌ ‌distorted‌ ‌ways‌ ‌in‌ ‌which‌ ‌they‌ ‌adapted‌ ‌to‌‌
their‌ ‌family‌ ‌illness,‌ ‌they‌ ‌begin‌ ‌to‌ ‌gain‌ ‌clarity‌ ‌concerning‌ ‌their‌ ‌early‌ ‌problems‌ ‌and‌ ‌the‌ ‌powerful‌‌
forces‌ ‌involved.‌ ‌With‌ ‌time,‌ ‌many‌ ‌meetings‌ ‌and‌ ‌the‌ ‌working‌ ‌of‌ ‌the‌ ‌ACoA‌ ‌12-Steps‌ ‌of‌ ‌recovery,‌‌
newcomers‌ ‌begin‌ ‌to‌ ‌make‌ ‌connections‌ ‌between‌ ‌the‌ ‌desperate‌ ‌responses‌ ‌of‌ ‌their‌ ‌childhood‌ ‌and‌‌
their‌ ‌current‌ ‌behaviour‌ ‌patterns.‌ ‌Listening‌ ‌to‌ ‌other‌ ‌group‌ ‌members‌ ‌share‌‌current‌‌problems‌‌also‌‌
aids‌‌them‌‌in‌ ‌gaining‌‌perspective‌‌about‌‌their‌‌own‌‌issues.‌‌ ‌

Your‌‌Own‌‌Laundry‌‌List‌‌ ‌

At‌‌some‌‌point‌‌during‌‌the‌‌early‌‌months‌‌of‌‌ACoA‌‌attendance‌‌newcomers‌‌should‌‌take‌‌pen‌‌in‌‌
hand‌ ‌and‌ ‌make‌ ‌a‌ ‌list‌ ‌of‌ ‌the‌‌bothersome‌‌issues‌‌and‌‌behaviour‌‌patterns‌‌that‌‌are‌‌most‌‌troubling‌‌to‌‌
them‌‌in‌‌their‌‌day-to-day‌‌affairs‌‌-‌‌their‌‌own‌‌"laundry‌‌list."‌‌An‌‌excellent‌‌starting‌‌point‌‌is‌‌the‌‌ACoA‌‌
Laundry‌‌List.‌‌For‌‌those‌‌who‌‌may‌‌be‌‌too‌‌confused‌‌to‌‌know‌‌where‌‌to‌‌begin‌‌and‌‌for‌‌those‌‌who‌‌might‌‌
mistakenly‌‌see‌‌all‌‌current‌‌behaviour‌‌as‌‌troublesome,‌‌the‌‌Laundry‌‌List‌‌is‌‌a‌‌practical‌‌and‌‌reasonable‌‌
reference.‌ ‌The‌ ‌newcomer‌ ‌might‌ ‌consider‌ ‌circling‌ ‌those‌ ‌that‌ ‌apply‌ ‌and‌ ‌then‌ ‌listing‌ ‌them‌ ‌on‌ ‌a‌‌
separate‌ ‌sheet‌ ‌in‌ ‌two‌ ‌distinct‌ ‌groups:‌ ‌(1)‌ ‌those‌ ‌that‌ ‌seem‌ ‌to‌ ‌be‌ ‌causing‌ ‌frequent‌ ‌or‌ ‌persistent‌‌
difficulties‌‌in‌‌their‌‌personal‌‌and‌‌work‌‌relationships;‌‌and‌‌(2)‌‌those‌‌that‌‌are‌‌causing‌‌only‌‌occasional‌‌
but‌‌significant‌‌disruption‌‌in‌ ‌their‌‌enjoyment‌‌of‌‌life.‌ ‌ ‌

In‌ ‌addition‌ ‌to‌ ‌the‌ ‌problems‌ ‌described‌ ‌in‌ ‌the‌ ‌Laundry‌ ‌List,‌ ‌members‌ ‌of‌ ‌ACoA‌ ‌may‌ ‌also‌‌
identify‌ ‌other‌ ‌issues‌ ‌such‌ ‌as‌ ‌compulsive‌ ‌overeating,‌ ‌overspending,‌ ‌inappropriate‌ ‌drinking‌‌
behaviour,‌‌shoplifting,‌‌abrupt‌‌amputation‌‌of‌‌friendships,‌‌compulsive‌‌lying‌‌to‌‌friends‌‌and‌‌relatives,‌‌
and‌‌high-risk‌‌sexual‌‌activity.‌‌They‌‌should‌‌add‌‌such‌‌difficulties‌‌to‌‌the‌‌list.‌ ‌ ‌

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 The‌ ‌purpose‌ ‌of‌ ‌this‌ ‌activity‌ ‌is‌‌to‌‌get‌‌clear‌‌about‌‌the‌‌nature‌‌of‌‌the‌‌gravity‌‌and‌‌troublesome‌‌
behaviour‌ ‌that‌ ‌may‌ ‌be‌ ‌seriously‌ ‌diminishing‌ ‌the‌ ‌joys‌ ‌of‌ ‌living.‌ ‌This‌ ‌is‌ ‌an‌ ‌effort‌ ‌to‌ ‌gain‌ ‌clarity.‌‌
Such‌‌activity‌‌works‌‌well‌‌in‌‌conjunction‌‌with‌‌steps‌‌two,‌‌three,‌‌four‌‌and‌‌five‌‌of‌‌ACoA‌‌recovery.‌‌Step‌‌
two,‌ ‌for‌ ‌example,‌ ‌involves‌ ‌the‌ ‌belief‌ ‌that‌ ‌we‌ ‌can‌ ‌gain‌ ‌clarity‌ ‌and‌ ‌understanding‌ ‌about‌ ‌our‌‌
destructive‌ ‌patterns.‌ ‌Not‌‌all‌‌destructive‌‌behaviour‌‌is‌‌overt.‌‌People-pleasers‌‌go‌‌to‌‌great‌‌lengths‌‌to‌‌
satisfy‌ ‌others‌ ‌and‌ ‌maintain‌ ‌harmony.‌ ‌While‌ ‌this‌ ‌might‌ ‌be‌ ‌considered‌ ‌as‌ ‌an‌ ‌appropriate‌ ‌and‌‌
friendly‌ ‌way‌ ‌of‌ ‌responding‌ ‌to‌ ‌the‌ ‌world,‌‌at‌‌a‌‌personal‌‌level,‌‌people-pleasing‌‌robs‌‌the‌‌ACoA‌‌of‌‌a‌‌
centred‌‌and‌‌healthy‌‌self.‌‌In‌‌listing‌‌the‌‌issues‌‌and‌‌actions‌‌that‌‌cause‌‌us‌‌difficulty,‌‌we‌‌might‌‌use‌‌this‌‌
distinction‌‌as‌‌a‌‌guide.‌ ‌ ‌

Over‌ ‌time‌ ‌the‌ ‌newcomer‌ ‌may‌ ‌add‌ ‌to‌ ‌the‌ ‌list‌ ‌as‌‌self-knowledge‌‌grows.‌‌Usually‌‌a‌‌searching‌‌
and‌ ‌blameless‌ ‌inventory‌ ‌of‌ ‌parents'‌ ‌behaviour‌ ‌patterns‌ ‌will‌ ‌turn‌ ‌up‌ ‌additional‌ ‌issues‌ ‌and‌ ‌traits‌
that‌ ‌cause‌ ‌the‌ ‌ACoA‌ ‌complications.‌ ‌The‌ ‌effort‌ ‌at‌ ‌this‌ ‌stage‌ ‌is‌ ‌to‌ ‌build‌ ‌a‌ ‌portrait‌ ‌of‌ ‌unhealthy‌‌
responses‌ ‌to‌ ‌what‌ ‌life‌ ‌presents‌ ‌us.‌ ‌The‌ ‌goal‌ ‌is‌ ‌understanding‌ ‌and‌ ‌clarity.‌ ‌Without‌ ‌a‌ ‌clear‌‌
understanding‌ ‌of‌ ‌what‌ ‌is‌ ‌holding‌‌the‌‌ACoA‌‌back‌‌there‌‌can‌‌be‌‌no‌‌purposeful‌‌movement‌‌forward.‌‌
Most‌‌people‌‌cannot‌‌really‌‌confront‌‌or‌‌begin‌‌to‌‌deal‌‌with‌‌what‌‌they‌‌can't‌‌recognize‌‌or‌‌understand.‌ ‌ ‌

At‌‌some‌‌quiet‌‌time‌‌at‌‌the‌‌end‌‌of‌‌each‌‌day,‌‌ACoA‌‌members‌‌should‌‌sit‌‌with‌‌their‌‌personal‌‌laundry‌‌
list‌‌and‌‌try‌‌the‌‌following:‌ ‌ ‌

1. Read‌‌each‌‌issue‌‌slowly‌‌and‌‌thoughtfully.‌ ‌ ‌
2. Reflect‌ ‌on‌ ‌each‌ ‌item‌ ‌and‌ ‌determine‌ ‌whether‌ ‌the‌ ‌issue‌ ‌caused‌ ‌problems‌ ‌during‌ ‌the‌ ‌
current‌‌day.‌ ‌ ‌
3. Review‌‌the‌‌circumstances‌‌of‌‌any‌‌disruption‌‌or‌‌event‌‌that‌‌occurred,‌‌and‌‌review‌‌what‌‌or‌ ‌
how‌‌the‌‌ACoA’s‌‌attitudes‌‌and‌‌actions‌‌contributed‌‌to‌‌the‌‌problem.‌ ‌ ‌
4. Consider‌‌what‌‌would‌‌have‌‌been‌‌a‌‌more‌‌wholesome‌‌response‌‌or‌‌action.‌‌ ‌

Awareness‌‌ ‌

The‌‌intent‌‌of‌‌the‌‌foregoing‌‌effort‌‌is‌‌to‌‌help‌‌the‌‌ACoA‌‌become‌‌thoroughly‌‌familiar‌‌with‌‌the‌‌
nature‌ ‌of‌ ‌his‌ ‌or‌ ‌her‌ ‌issues‌ ‌and‌ ‌the‌ ‌extent‌ ‌to‌ ‌which‌ ‌they‌ ‌cause‌ ‌problems‌ ‌and‌ ‌upset.‌ ‌This‌ ‌review‌‌
should‌ ‌not‌ ‌be‌ ‌seen‌ ‌as‌ ‌a‌ ‌time‌ ‌to‌ ‌engage‌ ‌in‌ ‌intensive‌ ‌self-criticism.‌ ‌A‌‌negative‌‌approach‌‌can‌‌only‌‌
bring‌ ‌frustration‌ ‌and‌ ‌despair.‌ ‌The‌ ‌ACoA‌ ‌is‌‌being‌‌asked‌‌to‌‌review,‌‌in‌‌a‌‌noncritical‌‌and‌‌blameless‌‌
way,‌‌how‌‌the‌‌troublesome‌‌issues‌‌got‌‌triggered,‌‌their‌‌responses‌‌and‌‌the‌‌results‌‌that‌‌occurred.‌ ‌ ‌

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 With‌ ‌effort‌ ‌the‌ ‌ACoA‌ ‌will‌ ‌begin‌ ‌to‌ ‌see‌ ‌that‌ ‌awareness‌ ‌alone‌ ‌is‌ ‌not‌ ‌recovery.‌ ‌True‌ ‌clarity‌‌
involves‌ ‌awareness‌ ‌of‌ ‌the‌ ‌self-defeating‌ ‌patterns,‌ ‌some‌ ‌understanding‌ ‌of‌ ‌how‌ ‌the‌ ‌individual‌‌
activates‌ ‌the‌ ‌problems‌ ‌and‌ ‌a‌ ‌recognition‌ ‌that‌ ‌certain‌ ‌efforts‌ ‌will‌ ‌be‌ ‌needed‌ ‌to‌ ‌bring‌ ‌about‌‌
meaningful‌‌change.‌‌Fortunately,‌‌no‌‌one‌‌is‌‌asked‌‌to‌‌do‌‌this‌‌alone.‌‌Other‌‌members‌‌of‌‌the‌‌group‌‌are‌‌
available‌ ‌for‌ ‌support,‌ ‌and‌ ‌a‌ ‌Higher‌ ‌Power‌ ‌of‌ ‌our‌ ‌understanding‌ ‌is‌ ‌always‌ ‌accessible‌ ‌to‌ ‌us‌ ‌if‌ ‌we‌‌
choose‌‌to‌‌seek‌‌spiritual‌ ‌guidance‌‌and‌‌nourishment.‌ ‌ ‌

Journals‌ ‌ ‌

Some‌ ‌ACoA‌ ‌members‌ ‌have‌ ‌found‌ ‌that‌ ‌keeping‌ ‌a‌ ‌journal‌ ‌is‌ ‌also‌ ‌very‌ ‌helpful.‌ ‌The‌ ‌journal‌‌
might‌‌be‌ ‌divided‌‌into‌‌three‌‌sections.‌ ‌ ‌

1. A‌‌list‌‌of‌‌the‌‌most‌‌troublesome‌‌issues‌‌to‌‌be‌‌worked‌‌on.‌ ‌
2. A‌ ‌daily‌ ‌diary‌ ‌where‌ ‌the‌ ‌ACoA‌ ‌can‌ ‌record‌ ‌both‌ ‌successful‌ ‌and‌ ‌unsuccessful‌ ‌efforts‌‌to‌ ‌
correct‌‌major‌‌personal‌‌issues.‌ ‌ ‌
3. A‌‌list‌‌of‌‌personal‌‌recovery‌‌goals‌‌that‌‌can‌‌be‌‌referred‌‌to‌‌on‌‌a‌‌daily‌‌basis.‌‌(Recovery‌‌goals‌ ‌
are‌‌discussed‌‌in‌‌detail‌‌in‌‌the‌‌next‌‌section.)‌‌ ‌

I‌ ‌have‌ ‌found‌ ‌that‌‌keeping‌‌a‌‌journal‌‌or‌‌diary‌‌can‌‌be‌‌very‌‌helpful.‌‌In‌‌my‌‌own‌‌life‌‌I‌‌am‌‌easily‌‌

distracted‌ ‌and‌ ‌tend‌ ‌to‌ ‌drift‌ ‌away‌ ‌from‌ ‌my‌ ‌recovery‌ ‌goals.‌ ‌Having‌ ‌these‌ ‌goals‌ ‌written‌ ‌down‌ ‌and‌‌
reviewing‌ ‌them‌ ‌daily‌ ‌keeps‌ ‌my‌ ‌issues‌ ‌fresh‌‌and‌‌also‌‌keeps‌‌me‌‌focused‌‌on‌‌the‌‌positive‌‌aspects‌‌of‌‌
my‌‌recovery.‌ ‌ ‌

Establishing‌‌Recovery‌‌Goals‌ ‌ ‌

This‌ ‌section‌ ‌deals‌ ‌with‌ ‌one‌ ‌approach‌ ‌to‌ ‌recovery‌ ‌that‌ ‌ACoA’s‌ ‌often‌ ‌resist.‌ ‌Some‌ ‌ACoA’s‌‌
find‌ ‌that‌ ‌any‌ ‌discussion‌ ‌of‌ ‌recovery‌ ‌goals‌ ‌strikes‌ ‌them‌ ‌as‌ ‌too‌ ‌impersonal‌ ‌and‌ ‌mechanical.‌ ‌As‌‌
living,‌‌breathing,‌‌vital‌ ‌human‌‌beings‌‌they‌‌feel‌‌the‌‌recovery‌‌process‌‌should‌‌not‌‌be‌‌reduced‌‌to‌‌some‌‌
kind‌‌of‌‌exercise.‌ ‌ ‌

After‌‌considerable‌‌struggle‌‌I‌‌have‌‌come‌‌to‌‌believe‌‌that‌‌establishing‌‌some‌‌personal‌‌recovery‌‌
goals‌‌and‌‌putting‌‌them‌‌on‌‌paper‌‌along‌‌with‌‌some‌‌thoughts‌‌about‌‌how‌‌to‌‌achieve‌‌these‌‌goals,‌‌can‌ ‌
accelerate‌‌recovery.‌‌I‌‌find‌‌that‌‌it's‌‌very‌‌easy‌‌to‌‌lose‌‌sight‌‌of‌‌where‌‌I'm‌‌going‌‌and‌‌how‌‌I‌‌plan‌‌to‌‌get‌‌
there,‌‌and‌‌others‌‌have‌‌told‌‌me‌‌this‌‌is‌‌also‌‌true‌‌for‌‌them.‌ ‌ ‌

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 My‌ ‌first‌ ‌efforts‌ ‌at‌ ‌goal-setting‌ ‌were‌ ‌pretty‌ ‌limited.‌ ‌Fortunately,‌ ‌I‌ ‌had‌‌enough‌‌sense‌‌not‌‌to‌‌
bite‌‌off‌‌more‌‌than‌‌I‌‌could‌‌chew.‌‌I‌‌decided‌‌to‌‌tackle‌‌some‌‌of‌‌my‌‌smaller‌‌personal‌‌issues,‌‌because‌‌I‌‌
knew‌ ‌that‌ ‌with‌ ‌effort,‌ ‌they‌ ‌might‌ ‌clear‌ ‌up‌ ‌quickly.‌ ‌For‌ ‌instance,‌ ‌I‌ ‌"inherited"‌ ‌my‌ ‌parents'‌‌
tendency‌ ‌to‌ ‌be‌ ‌rude‌ ‌and‌ ‌demanding‌ ‌of‌ ‌store‌ ‌personnel.‌ ‌So,‌ ‌I‌ ‌set‌ ‌myself‌ ‌a‌ ‌goal‌ ‌of‌ ‌reversing‌ ‌this‌‌
habit.‌‌When‌‌I‌‌went‌‌into‌ ‌stores,‌‌I‌‌made‌‌a‌‌conscious‌‌effort‌‌to‌‌be‌‌pleasant‌‌and‌‌friendly.‌‌I‌‌succeeded‌‌
on‌‌some‌‌occasions‌‌and‌‌failed‌‌on‌‌others.‌‌But‌‌as‌‌I‌‌made‌‌the‌‌effort,‌‌it‌‌got‌‌easier,‌‌and‌‌this‌‌soon‌‌ceased‌‌
to‌ ‌be‌ ‌an‌ ‌issue‌ ‌with‌ ‌me.‌ ‌Starting‌ ‌with‌ ‌simple‌ ‌problems‌ ‌allowed‌ ‌me‌ ‌to‌ ‌see‌ ‌progress‌ ‌right‌ ‌away,‌‌
which‌‌helped‌‌build‌‌my‌‌sense‌ ‌of‌‌self-esteem‌‌and‌‌confidence.‌ ‌ ‌

I‌‌found‌‌that‌‌it‌‌was‌‌important‌‌to‌‌draw‌‌myself‌‌a‌‌map‌‌of‌‌how‌‌I‌‌intended‌‌to‌‌tackle‌‌my‌‌issues.‌‌I‌‌
really‌ ‌wasn't‌ ‌anxious‌ ‌to‌ ‌go‌ ‌into‌ ‌such‌ ‌detail.‌ ‌But‌ ‌I‌ ‌knew‌ ‌that‌ ‌if‌ ‌I‌ ‌didn't‌ ‌draw‌ ‌up‌ ‌some‌ ‌course‌ ‌of‌‌
action,‌ ‌I‌ ‌would‌ ‌leave‌ ‌too‌ ‌much‌ ‌to‌ ‌chance.‌ ‌If‌ ‌I‌ ‌wanted‌ ‌to‌ ‌be‌ ‌healthy,‌ ‌I‌ ‌had‌ ‌to‌ ‌be‌ ‌willing‌ ‌to‌ ‌take‌‌
appropriate‌ ‌steps.‌‌By‌‌then‌‌I‌‌was‌‌able‌‌to‌‌turn‌‌to‌‌my‌‌Higher‌‌Power‌‌for‌‌energy‌‌and‌‌resolve.‌ ‌ ‌

Someone‌ ‌once‌ ‌told‌ ‌the‌ ‌following‌ ‌story‌ ‌at‌ ‌a‌ ‌meeting,‌ ‌and‌ ‌it‌ ‌gave‌ ‌me‌ ‌a‌ ‌great‌ ‌image‌ ‌to‌‌
remember:‌‌A‌ ‌traveller‌‌wanted‌‌to‌‌cross‌‌a‌‌dangerous‌‌river.‌‌The‌‌traveller‌‌was‌‌told‌‌he‌‌would‌‌row‌‌the‌‌
boat‌‌and‌‌look‌‌to‌‌his‌‌Higher‌‌Power‌‌(whom‌‌he‌‌called‌‌God)‌‌to‌‌steer.‌‌He‌‌was‌‌also‌‌informed‌‌that,‌‌if‌‌he‌‌
absolutely‌ ‌wanted‌ ‌to,‌ ‌he‌ ‌could‌ ‌take‌ ‌the‌ ‌helm‌ ‌and‌ ‌steer‌ ‌instead,‌ ‌but‌ ‌that‌‌God‌‌had‌‌a‌‌policy‌‌of‌‌not‌‌
rowing!‌‌I‌‌always‌ ‌remember‌‌this‌‌when‌‌I‌‌am‌‌tempted‌‌to‌‌wait‌‌for‌‌miracles.‌‌My‌‌recovery‌‌is‌‌teaching‌‌
me‌ ‌one‌ ‌very‌ ‌invaluable‌ ‌lesson:‌ ‌I‌ ‌cannot‌ ‌expect‌ ‌growth‌ ‌and‌ ‌recovery‌ ‌if‌ ‌I‌ ‌don't‌ ‌make‌ ‌a‌ ‌really‌‌
sustained‌ ‌effort.‌ ‌Sometimes‌ ‌what‌ ‌I‌ ‌really‌ ‌want‌ ‌is‌ ‌a‌ ‌magical‌ ‌recovery,‌ ‌preferably‌ ‌one‌ ‌where‌ ‌my‌‌
Higher‌ ‌Power‌ ‌wipes‌ ‌my‌ ‌slate‌ ‌clean‌ ‌in‌ ‌just‌ ‌a‌ ‌few‌ ‌months‌ ‌and‌ ‌I‌ ‌am‌ ‌promptly‌ ‌given‌ ‌the‌ ‌gift‌ ‌of‌‌
emotional‌‌well-being.‌‌In‌‌this‌‌fantasy‌‌I‌‌see‌‌my‌‌role‌‌as‌‌being‌‌limited‌‌to‌‌some‌‌in-depth‌‌sharing.‌‌The‌‌
rest‌‌would‌‌be‌‌miraculously‌‌done‌ ‌for‌‌me!‌‌Unfortunately,‌‌it‌‌doesn't‌‌quite‌‌happen‌‌that‌‌way.‌‌I‌‌have‌‌to‌‌
do‌‌the‌‌rowing.‌‌I‌‌cannot‌‌overstate‌ ‌the‌‌value‌‌of‌‌listing‌‌your‌‌issues‌‌on‌‌a‌‌piece‌‌of‌‌paper‌‌along‌‌with‌‌the‌‌
ways‌‌in‌‌which‌‌you‌‌plan‌‌to‌‌work‌‌on‌‌them.‌‌Recovery‌‌takes‌‌on‌‌more‌‌importance‌‌and‌‌meaning‌‌when‌‌
you‌‌write‌‌down‌‌your‌‌goals‌‌and‌‌review‌‌them‌‌frequently.‌‌Troublesome‌‌issues‌‌don't‌‌get‌‌away‌‌from‌‌us‌‌
so‌‌easily‌‌when‌‌we‌‌keep‌‌them‌‌in‌‌focus.‌ ‌ ‌

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Other‌‌Common‌‌Difficulties‌ ‌

In‌‌addition‌‌to‌‌the‌‌problems‌‌described‌‌in‌‌the‌‌Laundry‌‌List,‌‌some‌‌additional‌‌ways‌‌of‌‌behaving‌‌
often‌ ‌cause‌ ‌continuous‌ ‌irritation‌ ‌and‌ ‌disharmony.‌ ‌Chief‌ ‌among‌ ‌them‌ ‌are‌ ‌control‌ ‌issues,‌ ‌critical‌‌
judgment,‌‌an‌‌overinflated‌‌sense‌‌of‌‌self,‌‌intolerance‌‌and‌‌giving‌‌advice.‌ ‌ ‌

The‌‌effort‌‌to‌‌control‌‌the‌‌actions‌‌of‌‌others,‌‌the‌‌environment‌‌and‌‌all‌‌manner‌‌of‌‌situations‌‌are‌‌
often‌ ‌a‌ ‌problem‌ ‌for‌ ‌ACoA’s.‌ ‌Taking‌ ‌charge,‌ ‌being‌ ‌in‌ ‌control,‌ ‌manipulating‌ ‌others,‌ ‌being‌ ‌bossy,‌‌
bulldozing‌‌through-whatever‌‌the‌‌description,‌‌it‌‌is‌‌for‌‌many‌‌a‌‌constant‌‌source‌‌of‌‌concern.‌‌Control‌‌
issues‌‌generally‌‌involve‌‌the‌‌critical‌‌(and‌‌impossible)‌‌need‌‌to‌‌arrange‌‌life's‌‌events‌‌so‌‌that‌‌things‌‌are‌‌
safe,‌ ‌secure‌ ‌and‌‌predictable.‌‌Often‌‌"rescuers"‌‌turn‌‌to‌‌heavy‌‌control.‌‌In‌‌rescuing‌‌they‌‌see‌‌that‌‌the‌‌
rescued‌‌one‌‌is‌‌dependent;‌‌thus,‌‌the‌‌rescuer‌‌has‌‌control‌‌and‌‌is‌‌not‌‌vulnerable.‌‌The‌‌rescuer‌‌can‌‌feel‌‌
safe,‌ ‌secure‌ ‌and‌ ‌wanted.‌ ‌Control‌ ‌issues‌ ‌began‌ ‌early‌ ‌for‌ ‌me.‌ ‌I‌ ‌learned‌ ‌as‌ ‌a‌ ‌young‌ ‌boy‌ ‌that‌ ‌by‌‌
manipulating‌‌my‌‌parents‌‌with‌‌humour‌‌I‌‌could‌‌put‌‌them‌‌in‌‌a‌‌good‌‌mood‌‌and‌‌get‌‌them‌‌to‌‌respond‌‌
favourably‌ ‌to‌ ‌me.‌ ‌It‌ ‌was‌ ‌my‌‌primitive‌‌effort‌‌to‌‌arrange‌‌things‌‌so‌‌that‌‌anger‌‌and‌‌abuse‌‌would‌‌not‌‌
erupt.‌‌When‌‌my‌‌parents‌‌were‌‌angry,‌‌anything‌‌could‌‌happen,‌‌and‌‌I‌‌was‌‌very‌‌fearful.‌‌So,‌‌I‌‌relied‌‌on‌‌
humour‌ ‌to‌ ‌protect‌ ‌me.‌ ‌I‌ ‌became‌ ‌hyper-vigilant,‌ ‌always‌ ‌watching‌ ‌for‌ ‌signals‌ ‌from‌ ‌the‌ ‌external‌‌
world‌ ‌that‌ ‌could‌ ‌lead‌ ‌to‌ ‌criticism,‌ ‌hurt‌ ‌or‌ ‌embarrassment.‌ ‌As‌ ‌a‌‌child‌‌I‌‌became‌‌fear-based,‌‌and‌‌I‌‌
found‌‌I‌‌could‌‌reduce‌‌this‌‌fear‌‌by‌‌controlling‌‌people,‌‌places‌‌and‌‌things‌‌as‌‌a‌‌people-pleaser.‌‌ ‌

Criticism‌ ‌

Critical‌‌and‌‌negative‌‌appraisal‌‌of‌‌others‌‌also‌‌can‌‌be‌‌very‌‌destructive.‌‌It‌‌serves‌‌no‌‌beneficial‌‌
purpose‌ ‌and‌ ‌it‌ ‌can‌ ‌easily‌ ‌lead‌ ‌to‌ ‌isolation.‌ ‌Criticism‌ ‌not‌ ‌only‌ ‌pushes‌ ‌people‌ ‌away,‌ ‌it‌ ‌also‌‌draws‌‌
attention‌‌away‌‌from‌‌personal‌‌issues.‌ ‌ ‌

A‌‌frequent‌‌quip‌‌in‌‌ACoA‌‌used‌‌to‌‌be,‌‌"I‌‌haven't‌‌got‌‌time‌‌to‌‌work‌‌on‌‌my‌‌own‌‌issues‌‌because‌‌
I'm‌ ‌too‌ ‌busy‌ ‌taking‌ ‌everyone‌ ‌else's‌ ‌inventory."‌ ‌Growth‌ ‌and‌ ‌progress‌ ‌require‌ ‌both‌ ‌energy‌ ‌and‌
concentration.‌ ‌Try‌ ‌not‌ ‌to‌ ‌waste‌ ‌time‌ ‌on‌ ‌the‌ ‌useless‌ ‌and‌‌counterproductive‌‌habit‌‌of‌‌finding‌‌fault‌‌
with‌‌others,‌‌it‌‌can‌ ‌easily‌‌occupy‌‌all‌‌of‌‌your‌‌waking‌‌hours.‌ ‌ ‌

A‌‌leading‌‌marriage‌‌counsellor‌‌cautions‌‌that‌‌the‌‌most‌‌destructive‌‌force‌‌in‌‌any‌‌relationship‌‌is‌‌
continual‌‌criticism,‌‌and‌‌he‌‌instructs‌‌his‌‌clients‌‌that‌‌they‌‌absolutely‌‌must‌‌drop‌‌all‌‌criticism‌‌of‌‌one‌‌
another‌ ‌from‌ ‌their‌ ‌daily‌ ‌communication.‌ ‌This‌ ‌is‌ ‌a‌ ‌powerful‌ ‌instruction‌ ‌that‌ ‌ACoA’s‌ ‌might‌ ‌find‌‌

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helpful.‌ ‌Criticism‌ ‌can‌ ‌keep‌ ‌us‌ ‌all‌‌away‌‌from‌‌looking‌‌at‌‌our‌‌own‌‌shortcomings.‌‌For‌‌many‌‌it‌‌feeds‌‌
the‌ ‌distorted‌ ‌need‌ ‌to‌ ‌be‌ ‌seen‌ ‌as‌ ‌superior‌ ‌to‌‌others.‌‌But‌‌what‌‌it‌‌really‌‌does‌‌is‌‌clearly‌‌separate‌‌us‌‌
from‌‌others.‌‌How‌‌can‌‌I‌‌be‌ ‌open‌‌to‌‌another‌‌person‌‌and‌‌really‌‌hear‌‌who‌‌they‌‌are‌‌over‌‌the‌‌roar‌‌of‌‌my‌
criticism‌ ‌of‌ ‌them?‌ ‌If‌ ‌one‌ ‌objective‌ ‌is‌ ‌to‌ ‌live‌ ‌in‌ ‌harmony‌ ‌with‌ ‌those‌ ‌around‌ ‌us,‌ ‌and‌‌work‌‌on‌‌our‌‌
own‌ ‌issues,‌ ‌then‌ ‌criticism‌ ‌can‌ ‌only‌ ‌be‌ ‌viewed‌ ‌as‌ ‌counterproductive.‌ ‌As‌ ‌the‌ ‌preamble‌ ‌of‌ ‌one‌‌
recovery‌‌program‌‌admonishes,‌‌"Let‌‌there‌‌be‌‌no‌‌criticism‌‌of‌‌one‌‌another."‌ ‌ ‌

Over-inflated‌‌Sense‌‌of‌‌Self‌‌ ‌

An‌ ‌over-inflated‌ ‌sense‌ ‌of‌ ‌self‌‌can‌‌cause‌‌havoc‌‌with‌‌any‌‌and‌‌all‌‌kinds‌‌of‌‌relationships.‌‌Like‌‌

most‌ ‌people‌ ‌I‌ ‌developed‌ ‌an‌ ‌image‌ ‌of‌ ‌who‌ ‌I‌ ‌was‌ ‌and‌ ‌how‌ ‌I‌‌wanted‌‌people‌‌to‌‌see‌‌me‌‌based‌‌upon‌‌
how‌‌I‌‌was‌‌treated‌‌as‌‌a‌‌child‌‌and‌‌how‌‌I‌‌was‌‌defined‌‌by‌‌my‌‌parents.‌‌Consequently,‌‌I‌‌acquired‌‌some‌‌
pretty‌‌distorted‌‌views‌‌of‌‌myself.‌ ‌ ‌

Early‌ ‌in‌ ‌my‌ ‌teens‌ ‌I‌ ‌developed‌ ‌a‌ ‌kind‌ ‌of‌ ‌defensive‌‌arrogance,‌‌a‌‌posture‌‌of‌‌false‌‌superiority.‌‌
These‌‌I‌‌used‌‌when‌‌I‌‌found‌‌myself‌‌in‌‌threatening‌‌social‌‌situations‌‌or‌‌in‌‌those‌‌instances‌‌where‌‌my‌‌
demands‌ ‌for‌ ‌special‌ ‌attention‌ ‌weren't‌ ‌being‌ ‌met.‌ ‌I‌ ‌used‌ ‌intimidation‌ ‌to‌ ‌get‌ ‌me‌ ‌through‌ ‌many‌‌
situations‌‌where‌‌I‌‌felt‌‌out‌‌of‌‌control‌‌and‌‌vulnerable.‌‌I‌‌flashed‌‌a‌‌certain‌‌kind‌‌of‌‌pride‌‌that‌‌kept‌‌me‌‌
aloof‌ ‌from‌ ‌others.‌ ‌In‌ ‌ACoA‌ ‌these‌ ‌approaches‌ ‌often‌‌robbed‌‌me‌‌of‌‌a‌‌chance‌‌to‌‌be‌‌one‌‌with‌‌fellow‌‌
members,‌‌for‌‌even‌‌in‌ ‌ACoA‌‌meetings‌‌it‌‌took‌‌me‌‌a‌‌while‌‌to‌‌get‌‌rid‌‌of‌‌much‌‌of‌‌the‌‌inflated‌‌self‌‌that‌‌
had‌‌worked‌‌to‌‌keep‌‌me‌ ‌invulnerable.‌ ‌ ‌

Getting‌‌to‌‌see‌‌the‌‌nature‌‌of‌‌my‌‌unworkable‌‌self-images‌‌was‌‌very‌‌difficult.‌‌Like‌‌others,‌‌I‌‌had‌‌
trouble‌ ‌acknowledging‌ ‌my‌‌defensive‌‌arrogance‌‌and‌‌pride.‌‌Before‌‌I‌‌was‌‌willing‌‌to‌‌give‌‌them‌‌up,‌‌I‌‌
wanted‌ ‌something‌ ‌new‌ ‌that‌ ‌would‌ ‌keep‌ ‌me‌‌invulnerable‌‌and‌‌would‌‌continue‌‌to‌‌protect‌‌me‌‌from‌‌
others‌‌and‌‌their‌‌reactions‌‌to‌‌me.‌ ‌ ‌

Intolerance‌‌ ‌

Intolerance‌‌-‌‌being‌‌closed‌‌to‌‌other‌‌ideas,‌‌approaches‌‌or‌‌suggestions‌‌has‌‌slowed‌‌down‌‌more‌‌
than‌ ‌a‌ ‌few‌ ‌recovery‌ ‌efforts.‌ ‌When‌ ‌a‌ ‌person's‌ ‌discomfort‌ ‌level‌ ‌is‌ ‌high,‌ ‌being‌ ‌open‌ ‌to‌ ‌new‌ ‌and‌‌
different‌ ‌ways‌ ‌of‌ ‌living‌ ‌is‌ ‌often‌ ‌very‌ ‌difficult.‌ ‌Long-cultivated‌ ‌negative‌ ‌response‌ ‌patterns‌ ‌don't‌‌
take‌ ‌kindly‌ ‌to‌ ‌the‌ ‌introduction‌ ‌of‌ ‌constructive‌ ‌suggestions.‌ ‌Many‌ ‌prefer‌ ‌to‌ ‌rely‌ ‌on‌ ‌time-tested‌‌
reactions,‌‌such‌‌as‌ ‌pulling‌‌back,‌‌ignoring‌‌the‌‌issue‌‌and‌‌suppressing‌‌feelings.‌ ‌ ‌

‌
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 Whatever‌ ‌the‌ ‌threat,‌ ‌we‌ ‌usually‌ ‌want‌ ‌to‌ ‌be‌ ‌well‌ ‌protected.‌ ‌Being‌ ‌open‌ ‌and‌ ‌tolerant‌ ‌of‌‌
change‌ ‌involves‌ ‌letting‌ ‌go‌ ‌and‌ ‌surrendering.‌ ‌Awareness‌‌and‌‌knowledge‌‌of‌‌who‌‌we‌‌are‌‌cannot‌‌be‌‌
forced‌ ‌on‌ ‌us,‌ ‌but‌ ‌ACoA’s‌ ‌can‌ ‌advance‌ ‌recovery‌ ‌by‌ ‌cultivating‌ ‌an‌ ‌environment‌ ‌of‌ ‌open-minded‌‌
willingness‌ ‌to‌‌try‌‌sensible‌‌suggestions‌‌and‌‌approaches.‌‌Flash‌‌rage‌‌and‌‌hostility‌‌can‌‌turn‌‌much‌‌of‌‌
recovery‌ ‌(and‌ ‌life‌ ‌in‌ ‌general)‌ ‌into‌ ‌a‌ ‌shamble.‌ ‌Somewhere‌ ‌in‌‌our‌‌youth‌‌some‌‌of‌‌us‌‌may‌‌have‌‌used‌‌
rage‌ ‌and‌ ‌anger‌ ‌as‌ ‌a‌ ‌defence‌ ‌or‌ ‌as‌ ‌a‌ ‌way‌ ‌of‌ ‌getting‌ ‌some‌ ‌of‌ ‌our‌ ‌needs‌ ‌met,‌ ‌but‌ ‌now‌ ‌it‌ ‌serves‌ ‌us‌‌
poorly‌‌in‌‌most‌‌of‌‌the‌ ‌adult‌‌world.‌ ‌ ‌

Flash‌‌rage‌‌and‌‌hostility‌‌are‌‌not‌‌viable‌‌methods‌‌of‌‌interacting‌‌and‌‌responding.‌‌We‌‌need‌‌not‌‌
stuff‌‌our‌‌anger;‌‌we‌‌can‌‌let‌‌it‌‌course‌‌through‌‌us.‌‌But‌‌we‌‌don't‌‌improve‌‌anything‌‌by‌‌exploding‌‌at‌‌our‌‌
friends‌ ‌and‌‌family‌‌or‌‌fellow‌‌members.‌‌Some,‌‌I‌‌imagine,‌‌see‌‌anger‌‌as‌‌a‌‌power‌‌tool‌‌to‌‌frighten‌‌and‌‌
intimidate.‌ ‌Explosive‌ ‌rage‌ ‌tends‌ ‌to‌ ‌be‌ ‌threatening‌ ‌to‌ ‌some‌ ‌ACoA‌ ‌members‌ ‌and‌ ‌is‌ ‌generally‌‌
unsettling‌ ‌to‌ ‌everyone.‌ ‌Attacks‌ ‌of‌ ‌righteous‌ ‌indignation‌ ‌seldom‌ ‌further‌ ‌anyone's‌ ‌growth,‌‌nor‌‌do‌‌
hostile‌‌putdowns‌‌concealed‌‌as‌‌helpful‌‌sharing.‌ ‌ ‌

I‌‌have‌‌learned‌‌that‌‌when‌‌I‌‌am‌‌filled‌‌with‌‌rage,‌‌I‌‌can‌‌employ‌‌a‌‌few‌‌strategies‌‌to‌‌help‌‌me‌‌cool‌‌
down.‌‌If‌‌I‌‌am‌‌alone,‌‌I‌‌write‌‌out‌‌my‌‌anger‌‌and‌‌rage‌‌in‌‌a‌‌journal.‌‌If‌‌I‌‌am‌‌with‌‌another‌‌person,‌‌I‌‌say,‌‌
"I‌ ‌need‌ ‌to‌ ‌take‌ ‌some‌ ‌time‌ ‌out"‌ ‌and‌ ‌walk‌ ‌away.‌ ‌Another‌ ‌technique‌ ‌I‌ ‌use‌ ‌is‌ ‌to‌ ‌take‌ ‌slow,‌ ‌deep‌‌
breaths‌‌and‌‌slowly‌ ‌count‌‌backwards‌‌until‌‌I‌‌feel‌‌calmer.‌‌Restraint‌‌of‌‌tongue‌‌needs‌‌to‌‌become‌‌a‌‌way‌‌
of‌ ‌life‌ ‌for‌ ‌those‌ ‌afflicted‌ ‌with‌ ‌a‌ ‌compelling‌ ‌need‌ ‌to‌‌explode‌‌and‌‌attack‌‌in‌‌rage.‌‌Venting‌‌the‌‌rage‌‌
and‌ ‌dissipating‌ ‌the‌ ‌hostility‌ ‌need‌ ‌to‌ ‌be‌ ‌done‌ ‌in‌ ‌a‌ ‌safe‌ ‌supportive‌ ‌environment,‌ ‌in‌ ‌a‌ ‌therapist's‌‌
office,‌‌with‌‌a‌‌sponsor‌‌or‌‌close‌‌friend,‌‌or‌‌yelling‌‌at‌‌the‌‌ocean‌‌when‌‌no‌‌one‌‌is‌‌around.‌ ‌ ‌

Giving‌‌Advice‌‌ ‌

Giving‌‌advice‌‌can‌‌be‌‌a‌‌wonderful‌‌and‌‌mutually‌‌beneficial‌‌activity.‌‌Unfortunately,‌‌in‌‌ACoA‌‌it‌‌
can‌ ‌sometimes‌ ‌prove‌ ‌to‌ ‌be‌ ‌troublesome.‌ ‌We‌ ‌all‌ ‌know‌ ‌people‌ ‌who‌ ‌spend‌ ‌many‌ ‌of‌ ‌their‌ ‌waking‌‌
hours‌ ‌dispensing‌ ‌advice,‌ ‌guidance‌ ‌and‌ ‌direction‌ ‌to‌ ‌others.‌ ‌Giving‌ ‌advice‌ ‌is‌ ‌often‌ ‌a‌ ‌means‌ ‌of‌‌
avoiding‌ ‌the‌ ‌pain‌ ‌of‌‌one's‌‌own‌‌problems.‌‌If‌‌an‌‌ACoA‌‌adopts‌‌this‌‌advice‌‌and‌‌rescue‌‌role,‌‌you‌‌can‌‌
be‌‌pretty‌‌sure‌‌that‌‌somewhere‌‌there‌‌is‌‌a‌‌good‌‌bit‌‌of‌‌deflecting‌‌or‌‌avoidance‌‌of‌‌personal‌‌problems.‌‌
One‌ ‌of‌ ‌the‌ ‌things‌ ‌I‌ ‌learned‌ ‌in‌ ‌Al-Anon‌ ‌is‌ ‌that‌ ‌the‌ ‌worst‌ ‌vice‌ ‌is‌ ‌advice.‌ ‌Suggestions‌ ‌work‌ ‌much‌
better.‌ ‌It's‌ ‌still‌‌a‌‌struggle‌‌for‌‌me‌‌to‌‌let‌‌go‌‌of‌‌this‌‌need.‌‌I'm‌‌learning‌‌to‌‌get‌‌my‌‌ego‌‌out‌‌of‌‌the‌‌way,‌‌
face‌‌my‌‌own‌‌issues‌‌and‌‌work‌‌on‌‌them‌‌rather‌‌than‌‌on‌‌the‌‌sketchy‌‌and‌‌convoluted‌‌issues‌‌others‌‌may‌‌

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present‌ ‌to‌ ‌me.‌ ‌With‌ ‌the‌ ‌aid‌ ‌of‌ ‌my‌ ‌Higher‌ ‌Power‌ ‌I've‌ ‌learned‌ ‌some‌ ‌things‌ ‌about‌ ‌what‌ ‌troubles‌‌
people‌‌and‌‌why,‌‌but‌‌I'm‌ ‌reasonably‌‌hesitant‌‌about‌‌advising‌‌others‌‌how‌‌to‌‌conduct‌‌their‌‌romantic,‌‌
family‌ ‌or‌‌work‌‌affairs.‌‌However,‌‌since‌‌you‌‌are‌‌reading‌‌this‌‌book,‌‌you've‌‌seen‌‌that‌‌I‌‌don't‌‌hesitate‌‌
to‌‌talk‌‌about‌‌recovery‌ ‌and‌‌some‌‌of‌‌the‌‌lessons‌‌I'm‌‌learning.‌ ‌ ‌

Enlisting‌‌the‌‌Support‌‌of‌‌Others‌‌ ‌

Just‌‌about‌‌everyone‌‌in‌‌ACoA‌‌knows‌‌how‌‌difficult‌‌it‌‌is‌‌to‌‌reach‌‌out‌‌to‌‌others.‌‌A‌‌major‌‌fear‌‌is‌‌
that‌ ‌those‌ ‌to‌ ‌whom‌ ‌you‌ ‌turn‌ ‌for‌ ‌assistance‌ ‌will‌ ‌reject‌ ‌your‌ ‌request,‌ ‌treat‌ ‌your‌ ‌request‌ ‌with‌‌
indifference‌‌or‌‌(even‌‌worse)‌‌criticize‌‌your‌‌efforts.‌‌Fortunately,‌‌I‌‌have‌‌rarely‌‌seen‌‌this‌‌happen.‌‌Most‌‌
members‌ ‌are‌ ‌keenly‌ ‌aware‌ ‌that‌ ‌ACoA‌ ‌is‌ ‌a‌ ‌fellowship‌ ‌that‌ ‌involves‌ ‌sharing‌ ‌and‌ ‌caring.‌ ‌Love,‌‌
nurture‌‌and‌‌support‌‌are‌‌freely‌‌given‌‌to‌‌the‌‌extent‌‌that‌‌the‌‌individual‌‌member‌‌is‌‌capable.‌ ‌ ‌

It's‌‌probably‌‌not‌‌too‌‌wise‌‌to‌‌approach‌‌a‌‌newcomer‌‌with‌‌complex‌‌problems‌‌or‌‌issues.‌‌If‌‌you‌‌
happen‌‌to‌‌be‌‌working‌‌on‌‌the‌‌eleventh‌‌step‌‌of‌‌recovery,‌‌your‌‌sharing‌‌about‌‌prayer‌‌and‌‌meditation‌‌
might‌‌produce‌‌only‌‌a‌‌limited‌‌response‌‌if‌‌you‌‌have‌‌turned‌‌to‌‌a‌‌newcomer‌‌for‌‌guidance.‌ ‌ ‌

Let's‌ ‌say‌ ‌you‌ ‌are‌ ‌having‌ ‌trouble‌ ‌at‌ ‌work.‌ ‌Perhaps‌ ‌your‌ ‌boss‌ ‌is‌ ‌on‌ ‌your‌ ‌case‌ ‌for‌ ‌tardiness.‌‌
Rather‌ ‌than‌ ‌jeopardize‌ ‌your‌ ‌job‌ ‌or‌ ‌career,‌ ‌you‌ ‌could‌ ‌ask‌ ‌a‌ ‌group‌ ‌member‌ ‌who‌‌rises‌‌early‌‌to‌‌call‌‌
you‌‌and‌‌support‌‌you‌‌in‌‌your‌‌commitment‌‌to‌‌be‌‌on‌‌time.‌‌Perhaps‌‌you‌‌are‌‌planning‌‌a‌‌holiday‌‌visit‌‌to‌‌
your‌‌parents'‌‌home‌‌in‌‌a‌‌distant‌‌city.‌‌You‌‌haven't‌‌seen‌‌them‌‌in‌‌two‌‌years,‌‌you‌‌now‌‌have‌‌five‌‌months‌‌
in‌‌ACoA,‌‌and‌‌you‌‌are‌‌very‌‌concerned‌‌about‌‌how‌‌you‌‌will‌‌behave‌‌during‌‌the‌‌visit.‌‌By‌‌all‌‌means‌‌ask‌‌
one‌ ‌or‌ ‌two‌‌group‌‌members‌‌if‌‌you‌‌can‌‌phone‌‌them‌‌for‌‌support‌‌during‌‌your‌‌visit,‌‌in‌‌the‌‌event‌‌that‌‌
things‌ ‌get‌ ‌too‌ ‌strained‌ ‌or‌ ‌you‌ ‌lose‌ ‌perspective.‌ ‌Maybe‌ ‌you're‌ ‌feeling‌ ‌pretty‌ ‌secure,‌ ‌but‌ ‌you‌ ‌just‌‌
want‌ ‌some‌ ‌added‌ ‌insurance‌ ‌or‌ ‌a‌ ‌safety‌ ‌net.‌ ‌Nothing‌ ‌triggers‌ ‌reactive‌ ‌behaviour‌ ‌and‌ ‌high-level‌‌
stress‌‌like‌‌a‌‌visit‌‌with‌‌parents‌‌during‌‌the‌‌holidays!‌ ‌ ‌

I‌‌think‌‌that‌‌willingness‌‌is‌‌the‌‌key‌‌to‌‌getting‌‌the‌‌greatest‌‌amount‌‌of‌‌benefit‌‌from‌‌your‌‌group.‌‌
Avail‌‌yourself‌‌of‌‌every‌‌positive‌‌attribute‌‌the‌‌group‌‌can‌‌offer.‌‌Not‌‌a‌‌few‌‌newcomers‌‌think‌‌that‌‌they‌‌
must‌ ‌accomplish‌ ‌their‌ ‌growth‌ ‌alone.‌ ‌After‌ ‌all,‌ ‌that's‌ ‌how‌ ‌it‌ ‌was‌ ‌growing‌ ‌up‌ ‌in‌ ‌an‌ ‌alcoholic‌‌
household:‌‌Don't‌‌trust‌‌others,‌‌do‌‌it‌‌yourself.‌‌Part‌‌of‌‌growth‌‌is‌‌in‌‌learning‌‌to‌‌trust‌‌others.‌‌And‌‌part‌‌
of‌‌trusting‌‌others‌‌involves‌‌reaching‌‌out‌‌for‌‌support-especially‌‌when‌‌you‌‌feel‌‌you‌‌are‌‌on‌‌thin‌‌ice.‌‌I‌‌
do‌ ‌it‌ ‌over‌ ‌and‌ ‌over‌ ‌again‌ ‌and‌ ‌it‌ ‌works‌ ‌for‌ ‌me.‌ ‌I‌ ‌had‌ ‌to‌ ‌rid‌ ‌myself‌ ‌of‌‌the‌‌awful‌‌tendency‌‌to‌‌go‌‌it‌‌
alone.‌‌My‌‌fear‌‌of‌ ‌people,‌‌dread‌‌of‌‌criticism‌‌and‌‌feelings‌‌of‌‌inadequacy‌‌were‌‌always‌‌conspiring‌‌to‌‌

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keep‌ ‌me‌ ‌on‌ ‌a‌ ‌painful‌ ‌and‌ ‌potentially‌ ‌damaging‌ ‌solitary‌ ‌path.‌ ‌In‌ ‌ACoA‌ ‌we‌ ‌all‌ ‌have‌ ‌a‌ ‌chance‌ ‌to‌
abandon‌‌the‌‌solitary‌‌journey.‌ ‌ ‌

Many‌‌ACoA’s‌‌seek‌‌support‌‌from‌‌others‌‌in‌‌monitoring‌‌their‌‌related‌‌goals.‌‌I‌‌know‌‌that‌‌left‌‌to‌‌
my‌‌own‌‌devices‌‌I‌‌might‌‌never‌‌have‌‌completed‌‌the‌‌ACoA‌‌12‌‌Steps‌‌of‌‌recovery‌‌and‌‌I‌‌would‌‌not‌‌have‌‌
taken‌ ‌such‌ ‌bold‌ ‌measures.‌ ‌Fortunately,‌ ‌I‌ ‌had‌ ‌enough‌ ‌sense‌ ‌of‌ ‌understanding‌ ‌that‌ ‌by‌ ‌myself‌ ‌I‌‌
would‌ ‌accomplish‌ ‌little,‌ ‌but‌ ‌that‌ ‌I‌ ‌could‌ ‌accomplish‌ ‌miracles‌‌with‌‌the‌‌support‌‌of‌‌others‌‌and‌‌the‌‌
divine‌ ‌grace‌ ‌of‌ ‌my‌ ‌Higher‌ ‌Power.‌ ‌And‌ ‌that's‌ ‌how‌ ‌I‌ ‌view‌ ‌myself‌ ‌now,‌ ‌as‌ ‌a‌ ‌miracle.‌ ‌But‌ ‌I‌ ‌had‌ ‌to‌‌
reach‌‌out,‌‌to‌‌ask‌‌others‌‌to‌‌hold‌‌me‌‌accountable‌‌and‌‌responsible‌‌for‌‌whatever‌‌it‌‌was‌‌that‌‌I‌‌set‌‌out‌‌
to‌‌do.‌‌I‌‌needed‌‌concerned‌‌and‌‌caring‌‌people‌‌who‌‌had‌‌a‌‌vital‌‌interest‌‌in‌‌my‌‌recovery‌‌and‌‌expected‌‌
me‌‌to‌‌have‌‌an‌ ‌interest‌‌in‌‌them.‌‌In‌‌a‌‌larger‌‌sense,‌‌when‌‌one‌‌of‌‌us‌‌recovers,‌‌we‌‌all‌‌benefit.‌ ‌ ‌

In‌‌my‌‌early‌‌days‌‌I‌‌formulated‌‌my‌‌personal‌‌program‌‌for‌‌recovery.‌‌The‌‌ACoA‌‌12‌‌Steps‌‌and‌‌my‌‌
own‌‌issues‌‌were‌‌sitting‌‌there‌‌waiting‌‌to‌‌be‌‌confronted.‌‌I‌‌allowed‌‌my‌‌Higher‌‌Power‌‌to‌‌steer,‌‌but‌‌I‌‌
had‌ ‌to‌ ‌row.‌ ‌To‌ ‌keep‌ ‌me‌ ‌focused‌ ‌on‌ ‌my‌‌efforts‌‌I‌‌informed‌‌others‌‌about‌‌what‌‌I‌‌planned‌‌to‌‌do‌‌and‌‌
asked‌ ‌them‌ ‌to‌ ‌be‌ ‌available‌ ‌for‌ ‌reporting‌‌and‌‌review.‌‌In‌‌doing‌‌this‌‌I‌‌ensured‌‌that‌‌I‌‌was‌‌no‌‌longer‌‌
alone.‌‌I‌‌had‌‌made‌‌my‌‌recovery‌‌a‌‌collaborative‌‌effort.‌‌I‌‌could‌‌mess‌‌up‌‌on‌‌my‌‌goals,‌‌fall‌‌short,‌‌adjust‌‌
my‌ ‌goals‌ ‌-‌ ‌do‌ ‌just‌ ‌about‌ ‌anything‌ ‌-‌ ‌yet‌ ‌they‌ ‌would‌ ‌continue‌ ‌to‌ ‌be‌ ‌there‌ ‌in‌ ‌a‌ ‌concerned,‌‌
non-judgmental,‌ ‌no-blame‌ ‌capacity.‌ ‌They‌ ‌listened,‌ ‌they‌ ‌made‌‌suggestions,‌‌they‌‌encouraged‌‌me‌‌-‌‌
and‌‌above‌‌all‌‌they‌‌showed‌‌me‌‌that‌‌they‌‌truly‌‌wanted‌‌me‌‌to‌‌recover.‌‌So,‌‌I‌‌grew‌‌and‌‌changed‌‌and‌‌am‌‌
continuing‌‌the‌‌process‌‌of‌ ‌recovery.‌‌ ‌

Sponsorship‌‌ ‌

Many‌‌12-Step‌‌programs‌‌endorse‌‌the‌‌concept‌‌of‌‌formally‌‌selecting‌‌a‌‌sponsor.‌‌A‌‌sponsor‌‌is‌‌an‌ ‌
individual‌ ‌you‌ ‌can‌ ‌turn‌ ‌to‌ ‌regularly‌ ‌for‌ ‌guidance,‌ ‌direction‌ ‌and‌ ‌assistance‌ ‌in‌ ‌your‌ ‌recovery‌‌
process.‌ ‌His‌ ‌or‌ ‌her‌ ‌principal‌ ‌role‌ ‌is‌ ‌to‌ ‌provide‌ ‌perspective,‌ ‌support‌ ‌and‌ ‌encouragement‌ ‌to‌ ‌the‌‌
newcomer‌ ‌or‌ ‌sponsee.‌ ‌Typically,‌ ‌the‌ ‌sponsor‌ ‌has‌ ‌considerable‌ ‌time‌ ‌in‌ ‌the‌ ‌12-Step‌ ‌program,‌‌
demonstrates‌‌sound‌ ‌recovery‌‌behaviour‌‌and‌‌is‌‌someone‌‌you‌‌respect.‌ ‌

The‌‌sponsorship‌‌concept‌‌works‌‌remarkably‌‌well,‌‌particularly‌‌in‌‌Alcoholics‌‌Anonymous,‌‌the‌‌
largest‌ ‌and‌ ‌oldest‌ ‌12-Step‌ ‌program.‌ ‌It‌ ‌has‌ ‌been‌ ‌a‌ ‌time-tested‌ ‌and‌ ‌proven‌ ‌aid‌ ‌to‌ ‌millions.‌ ‌One‌‌
reason‌ ‌might‌ ‌be‌ ‌that‌ ‌a‌ ‌sponsor‌ ‌demonstrates‌ ‌concern,‌ ‌is‌ ‌willing‌ ‌to‌ ‌be‌ ‌supportive‌ ‌and‌ ‌above‌ ‌all‌‌
holds‌ ‌the‌ ‌newcomer‌ ‌or‌ ‌sponsee‌ ‌accountable.‌ ‌A‌ ‌newcomer‌ ‌who‌ ‌is‌ ‌willing‌ ‌to‌ ‌surrender‌ ‌some‌‌

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personal‌ ‌sovereignty‌‌can‌‌benefit‌‌immeasurably.‌‌Sponsorship‌‌can‌‌start‌‌the‌‌process‌‌of‌‌trusting‌‌and‌‌
sharing‌ ‌with‌ ‌another‌ ‌individual.‌ ‌Newcomers‌ ‌can‌ ‌profit‌ ‌from‌ ‌impartial,‌ ‌concerned‌ ‌and‌ ‌caring‌‌
feedback.‌ ‌ ‌

Counterbalancing‌ ‌all‌ ‌these‌ ‌advantages‌ ‌of‌ ‌sponsorship‌ ‌are‌ ‌the‌ ‌few‌ ‌instances‌ ‌where‌ ‌the‌‌
sponsor‌‌selected‌‌was‌‌sadly‌‌unqualified‌‌or‌‌perhaps‌‌too‌‌emotionally‌‌distressed‌‌to‌‌provide‌‌a‌‌sponsee‌‌
with‌ ‌sound‌ ‌direction.‌ ‌In‌ ‌most‌ ‌instances‌ ‌I‌ ‌have‌ ‌heard‌ ‌about,‌ ‌the‌ ‌damage‌ ‌was‌ ‌not‌ ‌irreparable;‌ ‌a‌‌
Higher‌‌Power‌‌seems‌‌to‌‌intervene‌‌and‌‌repair‌‌such‌‌ill-fated‌‌selections.‌ ‌ ‌

Sponsorship‌‌and‌‌selection‌‌of‌‌a‌‌sponsor‌‌are‌‌voluntary‌‌acts.‌‌No‌‌one‌‌is‌‌wedded‌‌to‌‌a‌‌sponsor‌‌or‌ ‌
sponsee.‌ ‌Sponsors‌ ‌have‌ ‌a‌ ‌responsibility‌ ‌to‌ ‌be‌ ‌supportive,‌ ‌caring‌ ‌and‌ ‌enlightening.‌ ‌They‌‌have‌‌no‌ ‌
mandate‌ ‌to‌ ‌be‌ ‌overbearing,‌ ‌hypercritical‌ ‌or‌ ‌abusive‌ ‌to‌ ‌those‌ ‌who‌ ‌seek‌ ‌their‌ ‌help.‌ ‌In‌ ‌those‌ ‌rare‌ ‌
instances‌ ‌where‌ ‌unhealthy‌ ‌behaviour‌ ‌occurs,‌ ‌the‌ ‌sponsee‌ ‌should‌ ‌dissolve‌ ‌the‌ ‌sponsorship.‌ ‌This‌ ‌
approach‌‌also‌‌should‌‌be‌‌taken‌‌where‌‌there‌‌is‌‌too‌‌much‌‌friction‌‌or‌‌dissension.‌ ‌ ‌

Ideally‌‌sponsorship‌‌provides‌‌an‌‌opportunity‌‌for‌‌the‌‌newcomer‌‌to‌‌begin‌‌trusting‌‌and‌‌talking‌‌
at‌‌a‌‌deep‌‌personal‌‌level.‌‌In‌‌sponsorship‌‌the‌‌newcomers‌‌need‌‌to‌‌be‌‌able‌‌to‌‌drop‌‌their‌‌defences‌‌and‌‌
begin‌ ‌to‌ ‌be‌ ‌teachable.‌ ‌For‌ ‌heterosexuals,‌ ‌the‌ ‌sponsor‌ ‌relationship‌ ‌is‌ ‌more‌ ‌effective‌ ‌if‌ ‌those‌‌
involved‌‌are‌‌of‌‌the‌ ‌same‌‌sex.‌‌In‌‌any‌‌case‌‌sexuality‌‌should‌‌not‌‌be‌‌a‌‌part‌‌of‌‌the‌‌relationship.‌ ‌ ‌

The‌ ‌role‌ ‌of‌ ‌sponsorship‌ ‌in‌ ‌ACoA‌ ‌is‌ ‌somewhat‌ ‌clouded.‌ ‌Some‌ ‌groups‌ ‌endorse‌ ‌it,‌ ‌while‌‌
others‌‌shy‌ ‌away‌‌from‌‌it.‌‌Since‌‌many‌‌ACoA’s‌‌have‌‌great‌‌difficulty‌‌with‌‌authority‌‌figures,‌‌mentors‌‌
or‌ ‌advisers‌ ‌due‌ ‌to‌ ‌years‌ ‌of‌ ‌parental‌ ‌abuse‌ ‌and‌ ‌inconsistency,‌ ‌I‌ ‌can‌ ‌readily‌ ‌understand‌ ‌the‌‌
reluctance‌‌to‌‌embrace‌‌sponsorship.‌‌On‌‌balance,‌‌however,‌‌I‌‌favour‌‌sponsorship.‌‌It‌‌has‌‌proven‌‌such‌‌
a‌ ‌valuable‌ ‌aid‌ ‌to‌ ‌recovery‌ ‌in‌ ‌so‌ ‌many‌‌other‌‌programmes‌‌that‌‌it‌‌deserves‌‌careful‌‌consideration‌‌in‌‌
ACoA.‌ ‌ ‌

Seeking‌‌Professional‌‌Assistance‌‌ ‌

Some‌‌members‌‌of‌‌ACoA‌‌need‌‌more‌‌help‌‌than‌‌they‌‌can‌‌get‌‌in‌‌an‌‌ACoA‌‌recovery‌‌group.‌‌It's‌‌
not‌ ‌unusual‌ ‌for‌ ‌some‌ ‌ACoA’s‌ ‌to‌ ‌have‌ ‌a‌ ‌suitcase‌ ‌full‌ ‌of‌ ‌problems‌‌when‌‌they‌‌join‌‌ACoA.‌‌Some‌‌of‌‌
the‌ ‌problems‌ ‌may‌ ‌yield‌‌to‌‌the‌‌application‌‌of‌‌the‌‌ACoA‌‌recovery‌‌principles,‌‌but‌‌others‌‌may‌‌prove‌ ‌
infinitely‌‌more‌‌resistant‌‌to‌‌the‌‌ACoA‌‌healing‌‌process.‌ ‌ ‌

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 For‌ ‌these‌ ‌people‌ ‌ACoA‌ ‌group‌ ‌therapy‌ ‌or‌ ‌one-to-one‌ ‌therapy‌ ‌with‌ ‌a‌ ‌qualified‌ ‌ACoA‌ ‌-‌‌
trained‌ ‌professional‌ ‌may‌ ‌be‌ ‌a‌ ‌wise‌ ‌solution.‌ ‌In‌ ‌the‌ ‌past‌ ‌few‌ ‌years,‌ ‌numerous‌ ‌treatment‌ ‌centres‌‌
throughout‌‌the‌‌United‌‌States‌‌have‌‌developed‌‌intensive,‌‌onsite‌‌recovery‌‌programs‌‌that‌‌involve‌‌one-‌‌
to‌‌four-week‌ ‌concentrated‌‌group‌‌and‌‌individual‌‌therapy‌‌specifically‌‌for‌‌ACoA’s.‌ ‌

I‌ ‌don't‌ ‌believe‌ ‌that‌ ‌ACoA‌ ‌can‌ ‌or‌ ‌should‌ ‌stand‌ ‌alone‌ ‌as‌ ‌the‌ ‌only‌ ‌treatment‌ ‌for‌ ‌ACoA’s.‌‌
ACoA’s‌‌need‌‌to‌‌understand‌‌that‌‌a‌‌full‌‌commitment‌‌to‌‌recovery‌‌will‌‌always‌‌benefit‌‌from‌‌consistent‌‌
and‌ ‌frequent‌ ‌attendance‌ ‌at‌ ‌ACoA‌ ‌meetings.‌ ‌The‌ ‌development‌ ‌of‌ ‌numerous‌ ‌ACoA‌ ‌friendships,‌‌
working‌‌the‌ ‌recovery‌‌steps‌‌and,‌‌where‌‌desired,‌‌some‌‌therapy,‌‌all‌‌can‌‌help.‌ ‌ ‌

Those‌ ‌who‌ ‌elect‌ ‌to‌ ‌undertake‌ ‌ACoA‌ ‌therapy‌ ‌will‌ ‌benefit‌ ‌most‌ ‌if‌ ‌they‌ ‌find‌ ‌a‌ ‌professional‌‌
who‌ ‌is‌ ‌thoroughly‌ ‌trained‌‌in‌‌ACoA‌‌issues‌‌and‌‌the‌‌ACoA‌‌program.‌‌With‌‌denial‌‌and‌‌resistance‌‌so‌‌
strong‌‌in‌‌our‌‌emotional‌‌make-up,‌‌professional‌‌help‌‌can‌‌aid‌‌ACoA’s‌‌to‌‌see‌‌where‌‌and‌‌how‌‌different‌‌
aspects‌ ‌of‌ ‌the‌ ‌illness‌ ‌impact‌ ‌on‌ ‌them.‌ ‌It‌ ‌strikes‌ ‌me,‌ ‌however,‌ ‌that‌ ‌one‌ ‌hour‌ ‌of‌ ‌therapy‌ ‌or‌ ‌90‌‌
minutes‌ ‌of‌ ‌group‌ ‌therapy‌ ‌each‌ ‌week‌ ‌needs‌ ‌to‌‌be‌‌supplemented‌‌by‌‌two‌‌or‌‌three‌‌ACoA‌‌meetings‌‌
weekly,‌‌especially‌ ‌during‌‌the‌‌early‌‌phase‌‌of‌‌recovery.‌‌For‌‌some‌‌ACoA’s‌‌an‌‌hour‌‌of‌‌therapy‌‌barely‌‌
scratches‌‌the‌‌surface‌ ‌of‌‌their‌‌issues.‌ ‌ ‌

ACoA’s‌‌also‌‌need‌‌to‌‌be‌‌willing‌‌to‌‌form‌‌relationships‌‌with‌‌fellow‌‌ACoA’s‌‌and‌‌to‌‌be‌‌in‌‌contact‌‌
with‌ ‌them‌ ‌often.‌ ‌I‌ ‌firmly‌ ‌believe‌ ‌this.‌ ‌My‌ ‌fellow‌ ‌group‌ ‌members‌ ‌were‌ ‌my‌ ‌guides,‌ ‌showing‌ ‌me‌‌
where‌‌and‌‌how‌‌I‌‌was‌‌in‌‌difficulty.‌‌I‌‌needed‌‌to‌‌open‌‌up‌‌to‌‌them‌‌many‌‌hours‌‌a‌‌week.‌‌I‌‌needed‌‌their‌ ‌
companionship‌‌because‌‌I‌‌wanted‌‌to‌‌recover‌‌fully,‌‌something‌‌I‌‌could‌‌never‌‌accomplish‌‌alone.‌ ‌ ‌

Additional‌‌Reading:‌‌Big‌‌Red‌‌Book‌‌–‌‌Beyond‌‌Survival:‌‌Practicing‌‌Self-Love‌‌[Chapter‌‌15,‌‌page‌‌429]‌ ‌ ‌

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Step‌‌10‌
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Continue‌‌to‌‌take‌‌personal‌‌inventory‌‌and‌‌to‌‌love‌‌and‌‌approve‌‌of‌ ‌ourselves.‌‌ ‌

In‌ ‌this‌ ‌daily‌ ‌action‌ ‌step,‌ ‌we‌ ‌monitor‌ ‌our‌ ‌actions‌ ‌and‌ ‌seek‌ ‌out‌ ‌those‌ ‌opportunities‌ ‌and‌ ‌situations‌ ‌
where‌‌we‌‌can‌‌increase‌‌our‌‌self-esteem‌‌and‌‌self-love.‌‌We‌‌can‌‌use‌‌this‌‌step‌‌to‌‌correct‌‌our‌‌course‌‌in‌ ‌the‌‌event‌‌
that‌ ‌we‌ ‌stray‌ ‌from‌ ‌healthy‌ ‌actions‌ ‌and‌ ‌begin‌ ‌re-enacting‌ ‌destructive‌ ‌patterns‌ ‌of‌ ‌behaviour.‌ ‌If‌ ‌we‌ ‌see‌‌
ourselves‌ ‌flirting‌ ‌with‌ ‌or‌ ‌contemplating‌ ‌harmful‌ ‌behaviour,‌ ‌it's‌ ‌important‌ ‌to‌ ‌recognize‌ ‌that‌ ‌change‌ ‌must‌‌
come‌‌from‌‌within.‌‌We‌‌can‌‌ask‌‌our‌‌Higher‌‌Power‌‌for‌‌assistance‌‌and‌‌we‌‌can‌‌turn‌‌to‌‌our‌‌group‌‌for‌‌support‌‌as‌‌
we‌ ‌struggle‌ ‌with‌ ‌those‌ ‌actions‌ ‌that‌ ‌bring‌ ‌with‌ ‌them‌ ‌self‌ ‌loathing,‌ ‌resentments‌ ‌and‌ ‌guilt.‌ ‌We‌ ‌need‌ ‌to‌‌
establish‌‌a‌‌new‌‌vigilance,‌‌one‌‌that‌‌centres‌‌on‌‌our‌ ‌behaviour.‌‌This‌‌we‌‌can‌‌do‌‌by‌‌working‌‌this‌‌step‌‌on‌‌a‌‌daily‌‌
basis:‌‌examining‌‌who‌‌we‌‌are‌‌and‌‌what‌‌we‌ ‌are‌‌doing‌‌this‌‌day‌‌to‌‌grow‌‌and‌‌change.‌ ‌ ‌

1.‌ ‌Create‌ ‌my‌ ‌own‌ ‌personal‌ ‌laundry‌ ‌list,‌ ‌list‌ ‌the‌ ‌bothersome‌‌issues‌‌and‌‌behaviour‌‌patterns‌‌which‌ ‌
are‌‌most‌‌troubling‌‌in‌‌my‌‌day‌‌to‌‌day‌‌affairs.‌ ‌ ‌

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2.‌ ‌Establish‌ ‌some‌ ‌personal‌ ‌recovery‌ ‌goals‌ ‌that‌ ‌may‌ ‌facilitate‌ ‌change‌ ‌related‌ ‌to‌ ‌my‌ ‌laundry‌ ‌list‌ ‌
behaviours‌‌(start‌‌small‌‌if‌‌need‌‌be).‌‌ ‌

3.‌ ‌How‌ ‌can‌ ‌I‌ ‌continue‌ ‌to‌ ‌use‌ ‌my‌ ‌personal‌ ‌laundry‌ ‌list‌ ‌and‌ ‌my‌ ‌recovery‌ ‌goals‌ ‌to‌ ‌seek‌ ‌out‌ ‌
opportunities‌‌and‌‌situations‌‌to‌‌increase‌‌my‌‌self-love‌‌and‌‌further‌‌build‌‌my‌‌self-esteem?‌ ‌ ‌

4.‌‌Am‌‌I‌‌willing‌‌to‌‌continue‌‌to‌‌take‌‌personal‌‌inventory‌‌and‌‌to‌‌love‌‌and‌‌approve‌‌of‌‌myself‌‌on‌‌a‌ ‌daily‌‌
basis?‌‌ ‌

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Reading‌‌11‌‌-‌‌A‌‌Matter‌‌of‌‌Faith‌ ‌
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The‌‌Concept‌‌of‌‌a‌‌Higher‌‌Power‌ ‌ ‌

As‌‌a‌‌spiritually‌‌based‌‌recovery‌‌programme,‌‌ACoA‌‌asks‌‌its‌‌members‌‌to‌‌consider‌‌developing‌‌
faith‌‌in‌‌a‌‌Higher‌‌Power,‌‌a‌‌spiritual‌‌force‌‌or‌‌truth‌‌of‌‌their‌‌understanding.‌‌No‌‌organized‌‌religion‌‌is‌‌
involved‌ ‌in‌ ‌ACoA‌ ‌and‌ ‌no‌‌member‌‌is‌‌ever‌‌required‌‌to‌‌adopt‌‌any‌‌formal‌‌or‌‌even‌‌informal‌‌spiritual‌‌
belief.‌‌The‌‌members‌‌of‌‌ACoA‌‌are‌‌merely‌‌asked‌‌to‌‌give‌‌consideration‌‌to‌‌a‌‌spiritual‌‌path,‌‌selecting‌‌
whatever‌‌power‌‌or‌‌deity‌‌or‌‌cosmic‌‌force‌‌they‌‌feel‌‌comfortable‌‌with.‌‌For‌‌my‌‌own‌‌recovery‌‌I‌‌found‌‌a‌‌
belief‌‌in‌‌a‌‌Spiritual‌‌Being‌‌to‌‌be‌‌healing‌‌and‌‌nurturing.‌‌I‌‌became‌‌willing‌‌to‌‌allow‌‌forces‌‌outside‌‌my‌‌
control‌‌to‌‌aid‌‌in‌‌my‌‌recovery.‌ ‌ ‌

The‌ ‌concept‌ ‌of‌ ‌a‌ ‌Higher‌ ‌Power‌ ‌can‌ ‌be‌ ‌very‌ ‌disturbing‌ ‌for‌ ‌some‌ ‌people‌ ‌with‌ ‌an‌ ‌ACoA‌‌
background.‌ ‌As‌ ‌children‌ ‌our‌ ‌authority‌ ‌figures‌ ‌were‌ ‌alcoholic‌ ‌or‌ ‌co-alcoholic‌ ‌parents‌ ‌who‌ ‌were‌‌
emotionally‌ ‌distressed,‌ ‌and‌ ‌we‌ ‌received‌ ‌much‌ ‌abuse‌ ‌and‌ ‌betrayal‌ ‌from‌ ‌them.‌ ‌Consequently,‌‌
ACoA’s‌ ‌find‌ ‌it‌ ‌very‌ ‌difficult‌ ‌to‌ ‌rely‌ ‌upon‌ ‌or‌ ‌have‌ ‌faith‌ ‌in‌‌any‌‌kind‌‌of‌‌power‌‌or‌‌central‌‌authority,‌‌
even‌‌one‌‌of‌‌our‌‌own‌‌choosing.‌‌Our‌‌authority‌‌figures‌‌were‌‌threatening,‌‌dysfunctional‌‌parents‌‌who‌‌
gave‌‌and‌‌withheld‌‌nurturing‌‌in‌‌an‌‌arbitrary‌‌and‌‌often‌‌cruel‌‌manner.‌‌Resistance‌‌is‌‌the‌‌most‌‌natural‌‌
reaction‌‌in‌‌the‌ ‌world‌‌to‌‌such‌‌experiences.‌ ‌ ‌

Many‌ ‌of‌ ‌us‌ ‌had‌ ‌tried‌ ‌to‌ ‌have‌ ‌faith‌ ‌in‌ ‌our‌ ‌parents‌ ‌with‌ ‌disastrous‌‌results.‌‌My‌‌own‌‌parents‌‌
were‌ ‌extremely‌ ‌unpredictable.‌ ‌One‌ ‌day‌ ‌I‌ ‌would‌ ‌receive‌ ‌praise‌ ‌for‌ ‌something‌ ‌I‌ ‌did‌ ‌and‌‌the‌‌next‌‌
day‌‌I‌‌would‌‌be‌‌rebuked‌‌for‌‌the‌‌same‌‌act.‌‌There‌‌was‌‌no‌‌consistency.‌‌I‌‌was‌‌alternately‌‌terrified‌‌and‌‌
enraged‌‌at‌‌the‌‌authority‌‌figures‌‌in‌‌my‌‌childhood.‌ ‌ ‌

Coming‌‌to‌‌a‌‌receptive‌‌stance‌‌concerning‌‌the‌‌concept‌‌of‌‌a‌‌Higher‌‌Power‌‌in‌‌ACoA‌‌need‌‌not‌‌
be‌ ‌painful,‌ ‌but‌ ‌it‌ ‌may‌ ‌involve‌ ‌considerable‌ ‌time.‌ ‌Fortunately,‌ ‌most‌ ‌ACoA’s‌ ‌I‌ ‌knew‌ ‌who‌ ‌were‌‌
initially‌‌uncomfortable‌‌with‌‌or‌‌resisted‌‌a‌‌belief‌‌in‌‌a‌‌Higher‌‌Power‌‌eventually‌‌came‌‌to‌‌believe.‌‌Over‌‌
time‌ ‌they‌ ‌embraced‌ ‌the‌ ‌concept‌ ‌of‌ ‌a‌ ‌power‌ ‌greater‌ ‌than‌ ‌themselves‌ ‌that‌‌could‌‌help‌‌them‌‌find‌‌a‌‌
new‌ ‌understanding‌ ‌and‌ ‌self-acceptance.‌ ‌In‌ ‌the‌ ‌beginning‌ ‌I‌ ‌needed‌ ‌to‌ ‌suspend‌ ‌critical‌‌judgment‌‌
about‌‌a‌‌Power‌‌greater‌‌than‌‌myself,‌‌to‌‌put‌‌my‌‌beliefs‌‌and‌‌considerations‌‌on‌‌the‌‌shelf.‌‌Then‌‌I‌‌began‌‌
to‌‌listen‌‌to‌‌others‌‌and‌‌observe‌‌how‌‌they‌‌perceived‌‌their‌‌Higher‌‌Power.‌‌I‌‌never‌‌felt‌‌any‌‌pressure‌‌to‌‌
believe‌ ‌in‌ ‌anything,‌ ‌only‌ ‌a‌ ‌suggestion‌ ‌that‌ ‌I‌ ‌set‌ ‌aside‌ ‌my‌ ‌long-standing‌ ‌perceptions‌ ‌and‌ ‌open‌‌

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myself‌ ‌up‌ ‌to‌ ‌the‌ ‌possibilities.‌ ‌And,‌ ‌like‌ ‌so‌ ‌many‌ ‌before‌ ‌me‌ ‌in‌ ‌other‌ ‌12-Step‌ ‌programmes,‌ ‌I‌ ‌did‌‌
develop‌ ‌a‌ ‌belief‌ ‌in‌ ‌something‌ ‌beyond‌ ‌what‌ ‌I‌ ‌could‌ ‌directly‌ ‌see.‌ ‌I‌ ‌accepted‌ ‌that‌ ‌something‌ ‌was‌‌
trying,‌‌lovingly,‌‌to‌‌guide‌ ‌both‌‌me‌‌and‌‌others.‌‌Slowly‌‌I‌‌gained‌‌conviction‌‌that‌‌some‌‌Higher‌‌Power‌‌
was‌‌moving‌‌me‌‌toward‌‌wholeness‌‌and‌‌love.‌‌I‌‌could‌‌see‌‌this‌‌in‌‌my‌‌daily‌‌life.‌‌As‌‌I‌‌watched‌‌myself‌‌go‌‌
through‌‌painful‌‌changes‌‌and‌‌achieve‌‌a‌‌kind‌‌of‌‌serenity‌‌I‌‌had‌‌never‌‌experienced,‌‌I‌‌began‌‌to‌‌see‌‌that‌‌
I‌‌could‌‌not‌‌have‌‌done‌‌any‌‌of‌‌it‌‌alone.‌ ‌ ‌

Faith‌ ‌and‌ ‌spirituality‌ ‌are‌ ‌personal‌ ‌matters.‌ ‌It‌ ‌is‌ ‌difficult‌ ‌for‌ ‌people‌ ‌to‌ ‌articulate‌ ‌their‌‌
personal‌‌beliefs‌‌in‌‌this‌‌area‌‌and‌‌it's‌‌even‌‌more‌‌difficult‌‌to‌‌describe‌‌in‌‌a‌‌book.‌ ‌ ‌

History‌ ‌is‌ ‌filled‌ ‌with‌ ‌events‌ ‌that‌ ‌have‌ ‌been‌ ‌attributed‌ ‌to‌ ‌faith‌ ‌in‌ ‌a‌ ‌Higher‌ ‌Power.‌ ‌The‌‌
co-founders‌ ‌of‌ ‌the‌ ‌original‌ ‌12-Step‌ ‌recovery‌ ‌programme,‌ ‌Alcoholics‌ ‌Anonymous,‌ ‌stated‌ ‌very‌‌
clearly‌‌that‌‌their‌‌strength‌‌and‌‌direction‌‌came‌‌from‌‌their‌‌faith‌‌in‌‌a‌‌Higher‌‌Power.‌‌ ‌

Agnostics‌ ‌and‌ ‌atheists‌ ‌as‌ ‌well‌ ‌as‌ ‌believers‌ ‌of‌ ‌all‌ ‌faiths‌ ‌are‌ ‌welcome‌ ‌in‌‌ACoA.‌‌We‌‌urge‌‌all‌‌
who‌ ‌have‌ ‌grave‌ ‌reservations‌ ‌about‌ ‌faith‌ ‌in‌ ‌a‌ ‌Higher‌ ‌Power‌ ‌to‌ ‌momentarily‌ ‌set‌ ‌aside‌ ‌these‌‌
considerations‌‌and‌ ‌just‌‌visit‌‌and‌‌experience‌‌the‌‌healing‌‌power‌‌of‌‌the‌‌ACoA‌‌meetings.‌ ‌ ‌

Those‌ ‌in‌ ‌ACoA‌ ‌who‌ ‌do‌ ‌have‌ ‌an‌ ‌abiding‌ ‌faith‌ ‌in‌ ‌a‌ ‌Higher‌ ‌Power‌ ‌do‌ ‌have‌ ‌an‌ ‌additional‌‌
source‌ ‌to‌ ‌draw‌ ‌upon.‌ ‌I‌ ‌know‌ ‌of‌ ‌no‌ ‌more‌ ‌helpful‌ ‌path‌ ‌to‌ ‌healing‌ ‌and‌ ‌recovery‌ ‌than‌ ‌through‌ ‌a‌‌
partnership‌‌effort‌‌with‌‌a‌‌Higher‌‌Power‌‌as‌‌you‌‌understand‌‌it.‌‌I‌‌have,‌‌on‌‌many‌‌occasions,‌‌witnessed‌‌
what‌‌I‌‌would‌‌describe‌‌as‌ ‌miracles‌‌of‌‌faith.‌‌I‌‌have‌‌seen‌‌healing‌‌and‌‌growth‌‌where‌‌it‌‌appeared‌‌to‌‌be‌‌
all‌‌but‌‌impossible.‌‌I‌‌have‌‌seen‌‌joy‌‌and‌‌serenity‌‌replace‌‌anguish‌‌and‌‌emotional‌‌disturbance.‌‌I‌‌have‌‌
watched‌‌ACoA’s‌‌struggle‌‌with‌‌all‌‌manner‌‌of‌‌earthly‌‌problems‌‌and‌‌triumph‌‌through‌‌faith.‌‌I‌‌firmly‌‌
believe‌‌this‌‌faith‌‌and‌‌grace‌‌is‌‌available‌‌to‌‌us‌‌all.‌ ‌ ‌

Prayer‌ ‌ ‌

Listening‌ ‌to‌ ‌other‌ ‌people‌ ‌proclaim‌ ‌how‌ ‌prayer‌ ‌has‌ ‌worked‌ ‌in‌ ‌their‌ ‌lives‌ ‌doesn't‌‌bring‌‌me‌‌
anywhere‌‌near‌‌the‌‌joy‌‌that‌‌comes‌‌from‌‌actually‌‌experiencing‌‌responses‌‌to‌‌my‌‌own‌‌prayers.‌‌When‌‌l‌‌
pray,‌ ‌I‌ ‌feel‌ ‌as‌ ‌though‌ ‌I‌ ‌am‌ ‌having‌ ‌a‌ ‌conversation‌ ‌with‌ ‌my‌ ‌Higher‌ ‌Power.‌ ‌In‌ ‌my‌ ‌conversations‌ ‌I‌‌
generally‌ ‌ask‌ ‌for‌ ‌guidance‌ ‌and‌ ‌direction.‌ ‌When‌ ‌I'm‌ ‌uncertain‌ ‌of‌ ‌which‌ ‌path‌ ‌to‌ ‌take,‌ ‌I‌ ‌ask‌ ‌my‌‌
Higher‌‌Power‌‌for‌‌love‌‌and‌‌understanding.‌‌Often,‌‌I‌‌can‌‌readily‌‌see‌‌when‌‌I'm‌‌getting‌‌help.‌‌My‌‌mind‌‌
will‌ ‌become‌ ‌quiet‌ ‌and‌ ‌my‌ ‌thinking‌‌will‌‌gain‌‌clarity.‌‌Whenever‌‌fear‌‌or‌‌depression‌‌descend‌‌on‌‌me‌‌
with‌ ‌any‌ ‌intensity,‌ ‌I‌ ‌turn‌ ‌to‌ ‌the‌ ‌power‌ ‌of‌ ‌prayer‌ ‌to‌ ‌carry‌ ‌me‌ ‌through.‌ ‌When‌ ‌I‌ ‌can,‌ ‌I‌ ‌try‌ ‌to‌ ‌put‌‌
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myself‌‌in‌‌a‌‌quiet,‌‌contemplative‌ ‌mood‌‌before‌‌I‌‌pray.‌‌I‌‌know‌‌that‌‌prayer‌‌doesn't‌‌require‌‌any‌‌special‌‌
environment,‌‌but‌‌I‌‌find‌‌that‌‌I‌ ‌become‌‌more‌‌focused‌‌and‌‌centred‌‌when‌‌I‌‌get‌‌still.‌ ‌ ‌

Prayer‌‌doesn't‌‌work‌‌for‌‌me‌‌when‌‌I‌‌ask‌‌for‌‌things‌‌of‌‌this‌‌world‌‌-‌‌money,‌‌a‌‌bigger‌‌car,‌‌fame,‌‌a‌‌
new‌ ‌home‌ ‌or‌ ‌winning‌ ‌the‌ ‌lottery.‌ ‌I‌ ‌suppose‌ ‌that‌ ‌if‌ ‌prayers‌‌in‌‌this‌‌realm‌‌were‌‌answered,‌‌I‌‌might‌‌
easily‌ ‌become‌ ‌distracted‌ ‌and‌ ‌use‌ ‌my‌ ‌energy‌ ‌for‌‌selfish‌‌pursuits.‌‌And‌‌I've‌‌found‌‌that‌‌the‌‌longer‌‌I‌‌
practice‌ ‌prayer‌ ‌(and‌ ‌meditation)‌ ‌on‌ ‌a‌ ‌daily‌ ‌basis,‌ ‌the‌ ‌more‌ ‌I‌ ‌see‌ ‌it‌ ‌as‌ ‌a‌ ‌means‌ ‌of‌ ‌developing‌ ‌a‌‌
deeper‌ ‌spiritual‌ ‌bond‌ ‌with‌ ‌my‌ ‌Higher‌ ‌Power‌ ‌and‌ ‌a‌ ‌greater‌ ‌trust‌ ‌and‌ ‌love‌ ‌for‌ ‌my‌ ‌fellow‌ ‌ACoA‌‌
members.‌ ‌Prayer‌ ‌also‌ ‌puts‌ ‌me‌ ‌on‌ ‌a‌ ‌journey‌ ‌to‌ ‌self-discovery.‌‌In‌‌my‌‌prayer‌‌I‌‌frequently‌‌ask‌‌to‌‌be‌‌
shown‌‌my‌‌motives,‌‌the‌‌nature‌‌of‌‌my‌‌pain‌‌and‌‌the‌‌true‌‌essence‌‌of‌‌my‌‌fear‌‌or‌‌anger.‌‌This‌‌allows‌‌me‌‌
to‌‌look‌‌behind‌‌the‌‌defences‌‌and‌‌screens‌‌I‌‌use‌‌to‌‌conceal‌‌myself‌‌from‌‌me.‌ ‌ ‌

I‌ ‌also‌ ‌find‌ ‌that‌ ‌prayer‌ ‌is‌ ‌extremely‌ ‌beneficial‌ ‌when‌ ‌I‌‌can't‌‌be‌‌of‌‌direct‌‌help‌‌to‌‌someone‌‌in‌‌

trouble‌‌or‌‌in‌‌need‌‌of‌‌support.‌‌I've‌‌often‌‌implored‌‌my‌‌Higher‌‌Power,‌‌"Please‌‌help‌‌this‌‌person‌‌to‌‌do‌‌
that‌‌which‌‌is‌ ‌healing‌‌and‌‌loving."‌ ‌ ‌

In‌ ‌all‌ ‌my‌ ‌activities‌ ‌I‌ ‌view‌ ‌prayer‌ ‌as‌ ‌a‌ ‌powerful‌ ‌tool‌ ‌for‌ ‌good.‌ ‌suppose‌ ‌some‌ ‌members‌ ‌of‌‌
ACoA‌‌might‌‌challenge‌‌my‌‌belief‌‌in‌‌prayer‌‌with‌‌an‌‌argument‌‌such‌‌as,‌‌"Prayers‌‌get‌‌answered‌‌only‌‌if‌‌
you‌‌do‌‌the‌ ‌footwork."‌‌That‌‌may‌‌be‌‌part‌‌of‌‌the‌‌formula,‌‌or‌‌perhaps‌‌my‌‌Higher‌‌Power‌‌supplies‌‌both‌‌
the‌‌motivation‌‌and‌‌the‌‌direction.‌‌I‌‌prefer‌‌to‌‌believe‌‌that‌‌my‌‌Higher‌‌Power‌‌also‌‌provides‌‌the‌‌energy‌‌
I‌ ‌need‌ ‌to‌ ‌row‌ ‌the‌ ‌boat.‌ ‌I'm‌ ‌certainly‌ ‌no‌ ‌miracle‌ ‌worker,‌ ‌but‌ ‌I‌ ‌have‌ ‌come‌ ‌to‌ ‌see‌ ‌some‌ ‌minor‌‌
wonders‌‌accomplished.‌‌A‌‌prayer‌‌I‌‌use‌‌on‌‌a‌‌daily‌‌basis‌‌whenever‌‌I‌‌am‌‌in‌‌a‌‌fear-provoking‌‌situation‌‌
is‌ ‌"Please,‌ ‌God,‌ ‌help‌ ‌me!"‌ ‌It‌ ‌helps‌ ‌to‌ ‌calm‌ ‌me.‌ ‌Prayer‌ ‌helps‌ ‌me‌ ‌achieve‌ ‌a‌ ‌connection‌ ‌with‌ ‌my‌‌
Higher‌ ‌Power,‌ ‌and‌ ‌out‌ ‌of‌ ‌this‌ ‌I‌ ‌gain‌ ‌a‌ ‌renewed‌ ‌acceptance‌ ‌of‌ ‌myself.‌ ‌For‌ ‌many‌ ‌years‌ ‌I‌ ‌have‌‌
struggled‌ ‌with‌ ‌the‌ ‌deprived‌ ‌lost‌ ‌child‌ ‌within‌ ‌me‌ ‌who‌ ‌resisted‌ ‌recovery.‌ ‌Prayer‌ ‌has‌ ‌been‌ ‌the‌‌
principal‌‌tool‌‌I‌‌used‌‌to‌ ‌quiet‌‌him.‌‌My‌‌prayers‌‌for‌‌greater‌‌self-acceptance‌‌and‌‌self-knowledge‌‌carry‌‌
me‌‌through‌‌some‌‌of‌‌my‌‌most‌‌difficult‌‌moments.‌‌And‌‌I‌‌know‌‌from‌‌talking‌‌with‌‌many‌‌hundreds‌‌of‌‌
ACoA‌‌members‌‌that‌‌prayer‌ ‌has‌‌been‌‌equally‌‌helpful‌‌to‌‌them.‌ ‌ ‌

A‌‌curious‌‌thing‌‌about‌‌prayer‌‌is‌‌how‌‌seldom‌‌people‌‌discuss‌‌it.‌‌Whenever‌‌it‌‌is‌‌discussed,‌‌it's‌‌
generally‌ ‌done‌ ‌with‌ ‌a‌ ‌degree‌ ‌of‌ ‌embarrassment‌ ‌or‌ ‌reticence.‌ ‌True,‌ ‌prayer‌ ‌is‌ ‌a‌ ‌very‌ ‌personal‌‌act;‌‌
but‌‌I‌‌often‌ ‌wonder‌‌why‌‌grown‌‌men‌‌and‌‌women‌‌shy‌‌away‌‌from‌‌comment‌‌or‌‌discussion‌‌about‌‌such‌‌
a‌ ‌powerful‌ ‌tool‌ ‌for‌ ‌recovery.‌ ‌These‌ ‌days‌ ‌I‌ ‌am‌ ‌only‌ ‌too‌ ‌willing‌ ‌to‌ ‌tell‌ ‌people‌ ‌about‌ ‌the‌ ‌role‌ ‌that‌‌
prayer‌‌has‌‌played‌ ‌in‌‌my‌‌life‌‌and‌‌recovery.‌ ‌ ‌
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Meditation‌ ‌ ‌

Years‌ ‌ago,‌ ‌I‌ ‌was‌ ‌told‌ ‌that‌ ‌prayer‌ ‌was‌ ‌a‌ ‌way‌ ‌of‌ ‌talking‌ ‌to‌ ‌God‌ ‌and‌ ‌that‌ ‌meditation‌ ‌was‌‌an‌‌
effective‌ ‌way‌ ‌of‌ ‌listening‌ ‌to‌ ‌God,‌ ‌and‌ ‌that‌ ‌the‌ ‌most‌ ‌effective‌‌form‌‌of‌‌prayer‌‌was‌‌deep‌‌listening.‌‌
Since‌ ‌many‌ ‌people‌ ‌would‌ ‌rather‌ ‌do‌ ‌the‌ ‌talking‌ ‌than‌ ‌the‌ ‌listening,‌ ‌it's‌ ‌not‌ ‌surprising‌ ‌that‌‌
meditation‌ ‌seems‌ ‌less‌ ‌popular‌ ‌than‌ ‌the‌ ‌prayer‌ ‌of‌ ‌petition.‌ ‌Some‌ ‌people‌ ‌are‌ ‌much‌ ‌more‌‌
comfortable‌ ‌or‌ ‌secure‌ ‌when‌ ‌they‌ ‌are‌ ‌active.‌ ‌They‌ ‌have‌ ‌difficulty‌ ‌trying‌ ‌to‌ ‌sit‌ ‌quietly‌ ‌in‌ ‌a‌‌
contemplative‌‌state.‌‌I‌‌think‌‌that‌‌the‌‌still,‌‌quiet‌ ‌voice‌‌of‌‌a‌‌Higher‌‌Power‌‌is‌‌more‌‌audible‌‌when‌‌the‌‌
seeker‌ ‌is‌ ‌in‌ ‌a‌ ‌quiet‌ ‌meditative‌ ‌state.‌ ‌Unfortunately,‌ ‌this‌ ‌world‌ ‌offers‌ ‌hundreds‌‌of‌‌distractions‌‌to‌‌
keep‌ ‌us‌ ‌from‌ ‌this‌ ‌aspect‌ ‌of‌ ‌spiritual‌ ‌renewal.‌ ‌For‌ ‌those‌ ‌who‌ ‌are‌ ‌not‌ ‌inclined‌ ‌to‌ ‌have‌ ‌faith‌ ‌in‌ ‌a‌‌
Higher‌ ‌Power,‌ ‌meditation‌ ‌can‌ ‌be‌ ‌a‌ ‌wonderful‌ ‌way‌ ‌to‌ ‌reflect‌ ‌upon‌ ‌life,‌ ‌relationships‌ ‌and‌ ‌issues‌‌
being‌ ‌confronted.‌ ‌Out‌ ‌of‌ ‌a‌ ‌still‌ ‌silence,‌ ‌understanding‌ ‌and‌ ‌answers‌ ‌can‌ ‌flow.‌ ‌Whatever‌ ‌their‌‌
motives‌ ‌or‌ ‌beliefs,‌ ‌I‌ ‌suggest‌ ‌that‌ ‌all‌ ‌ACoA’s‌ ‌make‌ ‌a‌ ‌consistent‌ ‌effort‌ ‌to‌ ‌engage‌ ‌in‌‌some‌‌form‌‌of‌‌
meditation.‌‌My‌‌first‌‌experiences‌‌with‌‌it‌‌enabled‌‌me‌‌to‌‌quiet‌‌down‌‌my‌‌racing‌‌thoughts.‌ ‌ ‌

Meditation‌‌is‌‌the‌‌vehicle‌‌that‌‌enables‌‌me‌‌to‌‌have‌‌a‌‌richer‌‌spiritual‌‌life.‌‌I've‌‌tried‌‌to‌‌develop‌‌
a‌‌special‌‌listening‌‌attitude.‌‌In‌‌meditation‌‌I‌‌open‌‌myself‌‌to‌‌instruction.‌‌I‌‌become‌‌truly‌‌willing‌‌and‌‌
receptive,‌ ‌putting‌ ‌my‌ ‌wants‌ ‌and‌ ‌needs‌ ‌aside‌ ‌and‌ ‌adopting‌ ‌a‌ ‌posture‌ ‌of‌ ‌focused‌ ‌awareness‌ ‌and‌‌
listening.‌ ‌I‌ ‌relax‌ ‌my‌ ‌body,‌ ‌concentrate‌ ‌on‌ ‌my‌ ‌breathing‌‌and‌‌do‌‌my‌‌best‌‌to‌‌become‌‌receptive.‌‌On‌‌
occasion‌ ‌I‌ ‌will‌ ‌inhale‌ ‌"God;‌ ‌exhale‌ ‌"loves‌ ‌me."‌ ‌I‌ ‌do‌ ‌this‌ ‌to‌ ‌get‌ ‌calm‌ ‌and‌‌centred.‌‌It‌‌is‌‌when‌‌I'm‌‌
calm‌ ‌and‌ ‌listening‌ ‌that‌ ‌I'm‌ ‌available‌ ‌for‌ ‌enlightenment‌ ‌and‌ ‌guidance.‌ ‌I‌ ‌have‌ ‌also‌ ‌engaged‌ ‌in‌‌
"light"‌‌meditation.‌‌In‌‌this‌‌effort‌‌I‌‌try‌ ‌to‌‌visualize‌‌light‌‌moving‌‌up‌‌my‌‌body‌‌in‌‌a‌‌healing‌‌manner.‌ ‌ ‌

I've‌ ‌described‌ ‌some‌ ‌of‌‌my‌‌approaches,‌‌but‌‌there‌‌are‌‌many‌‌forms‌‌of‌‌meditation‌‌available‌‌to‌‌

the‌ ‌individual.‌ ‌The‌‌form‌‌you‌‌use‌‌is‌‌not‌‌nearly‌‌as‌‌important‌‌as‌‌your‌‌willingness‌‌to‌‌use‌‌meditation‌‌
as‌‌a‌ ‌recovery‌‌tool.‌‌In‌‌my‌‌meditation‌‌efforts‌‌I‌‌try‌‌to‌‌make‌‌myself‌‌available‌‌to‌‌a‌‌Power‌‌greater‌‌than‌‌
myself.‌‌I‌‌temporarily‌‌step‌‌out‌‌of‌‌the‌‌driver's‌‌seat‌‌to‌‌become‌‌teachable.‌‌By‌‌putting‌‌myself‌‌in‌‌a‌‌quiet‌‌
listening‌‌mood‌‌I‌‌become‌‌open‌‌to‌‌direction‌‌however‌‌I‌‌may‌‌perceive‌‌it.‌‌I‌‌believe‌‌that‌‌deep‌‌listening‌‌
is‌‌the‌‌highest‌‌form‌‌of‌‌love‌‌I‌‌can‌‌give‌‌to‌‌my‌‌Higher‌‌Power.‌‌Then‌‌I‌‌go‌‌about‌‌my‌‌life‌‌trying‌‌to‌‌be‌‌of‌‌
service‌‌to‌‌myself‌‌and‌‌others.‌ ‌ ‌

In‌ ‌all‌ ‌of‌ ‌my‌ ‌meditative‌ ‌activities‌ ‌it's‌ ‌up‌ ‌to‌ ‌me‌ ‌to‌ ‌listen‌‌as‌‌intently‌‌as‌‌I‌‌can.‌‌When‌‌I‌‌let‌‌my‌‌
mind‌‌wander‌‌to‌‌a‌‌wide‌‌range‌‌of‌‌topics,‌‌it's‌‌because‌‌I‌‌have‌‌lost‌‌my‌‌central‌‌focus.‌‌Concentration‌‌is‌‌

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sometimes‌ ‌difficult‌‌and‌‌my‌‌surroundings‌‌less‌‌than‌‌ideal,‌‌but‌‌with‌‌practice‌‌I‌‌have‌‌learned‌‌to‌‌tune‌‌
out‌ ‌many‌ ‌distractions.‌ ‌It‌ ‌takes‌ ‌discipline‌ ‌to‌‌incorporate‌‌meditation‌‌into‌‌daily‌‌living,‌‌but‌‌you‌‌can‌‌
engage‌‌in‌‌it‌‌anywhere,‌‌anytime.‌‌It's‌‌helpful‌‌if‌‌you‌‌can‌‌set‌‌aside‌‌a‌‌modest‌‌block‌‌of‌‌time‌‌-‌‌preferably‌‌
at‌‌the‌‌same‌‌time‌‌each‌‌day‌‌-‌‌and‌‌adhere‌‌to‌‌this‌‌schedule‌‌as‌‌best‌‌you‌‌can‌‌until‌‌it‌‌becomes‌‌a‌‌familiar‌‌
experience.‌‌ ‌

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Step‌‌11‌‌
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We‌ ‌sought‌ ‌through‌ ‌prayer‌ ‌and‌ ‌meditation‌ ‌to‌ ‌improve‌ ‌our‌ ‌conscious‌ ‌contact‌‌
with‌ ‌a‌ ‌Higher‌ ‌Power‌ ‌of‌ ‌our‌ ‌understanding,‌ ‌praying‌ ‌only‌ ‌for‌ ‌knowledge‌ ‌of‌‌its‌‌
will‌‌for‌‌us‌‌and‌‌the‌‌power‌‌to‌‌carry‌‌it‌‌out.‌ ‌

The‌ ‌primary‌ ‌goal‌ ‌of‌ ‌our‌ ‌spiritual‌ ‌efforts‌ ‌is‌ ‌to‌ ‌become‌ ‌open‌ ‌and‌ ‌receptive‌ ‌to‌ ‌our‌ ‌Higher‌‌
Power.‌ ‌Our‌ ‌emotional‌ ‌well-being‌ ‌can‌ ‌be‌ ‌greatly‌ ‌enhanced‌ ‌through‌ ‌prayer‌ ‌and‌ ‌meditation.‌‌
Becoming‌‌a‌‌channel‌‌for‌‌the‌‌will‌‌of‌‌a‌‌Higher‌‌Power‌‌can‌‌bring‌‌us‌‌to‌‌a‌‌new‌‌understanding‌‌of‌‌who‌‌we‌‌
are‌‌and‌‌how‌‌we‌‌can‌ ‌lead‌‌a‌‌full‌‌and‌‌happy‌‌life.‌‌Spirituality‌‌and‌‌faith‌‌are‌‌very‌‌personal‌‌matters.‌‌The‌‌
ways‌ ‌in‌ ‌which‌ ‌individuals‌ ‌make‌ ‌contact‌ ‌with‌ ‌a‌ ‌Higher‌ ‌Power‌ ‌are‌ ‌limitless.‌ ‌There‌ ‌are‌ ‌many‌‌
different‌‌prayers,‌‌many‌‌approaches‌‌to‌‌prayer‌‌and‌‌numerous‌‌forms‌‌of‌‌meditation.‌‌Many‌‌people‌‌do‌‌
not‌ ‌approach‌ ‌meditation‌ ‌and‌ ‌prayer‌ ‌eagerly.‌ ‌Some‌ ‌find‌ ‌it‌ ‌very‌ ‌difficult‌ ‌to‌ ‌sit‌ ‌quietly‌ ‌in‌ ‌a‌‌
contemplative‌ ‌mood;‌ ‌they‌ ‌are‌ ‌much‌ ‌more‌‌comfortable‌‌with‌‌momentum‌‌and‌‌action.‌‌Others‌‌have‌‌
long-standing‌‌resistance‌‌to‌‌the‌‌idea‌‌of‌ ‌prayer,‌‌which‌‌they‌‌confuse‌‌with‌‌supplication‌‌and‌‌pleading.‌‌
A‌ ‌few‌ ‌people‌ ‌have‌ ‌difficulty‌ ‌with‌ ‌the‌ ‌idea‌ ‌of‌ ‌spiritual‌ ‌intelligence.‌ ‌People‌ ‌with‌ ‌these‌ ‌kinds‌ ‌of‌‌
resistance‌ ‌are‌ ‌asked‌ ‌only‌ ‌to‌ ‌be‌ ‌willing‌‌to‌ ‌consider‌‌some‌‌actions‌‌that‌‌may‌‌bring‌‌them‌‌closer‌‌to‌‌a‌‌
spiritual‌ ‌path‌ ‌or‌ ‌truth.‌ ‌When‌ ‌I‌ ‌become‌ ‌open‌ ‌to‌ ‌my‌ ‌Higher‌ ‌Power,‌ ‌I‌ ‌strengthen‌ ‌my‌ ‌sense‌ ‌of‌‌
well-being‌ ‌and‌ ‌feel‌ ‌in‌ ‌tune‌ ‌with‌ ‌my‌ ‌spiritual‌ ‌self.‌ ‌In‌ ‌such‌‌a‌‌posture‌‌I‌‌go‌‌beyond‌‌my‌‌self-centred‌‌
demands‌‌and‌‌actually‌‌experience‌‌life‌‌on‌‌a‌‌more‌‌giving‌‌and‌‌sensitive‌‌plane.‌‌A‌‌small‌‌note‌‌of‌‌caution:‌‌
When‌ ‌I‌ ‌first‌ ‌began‌ ‌to‌ ‌actively‌ ‌pray,‌‌my‌‌conversation‌‌and‌‌appeals‌‌were‌‌focused‌‌on‌‌what‌‌I‌‌wanted‌‌
and‌ ‌needed‌‌in‌‌my‌‌life.‌‌I‌‌was‌‌unable‌‌to‌‌get‌‌beyond‌‌the‌‌"I‌ ‌want"‌‌for‌‌some‌‌time.‌‌Slowly,‌‌however,‌‌I‌‌
began‌‌to‌‌sit‌‌quietly‌‌and‌‌listen‌‌as‌‌well‌‌as‌‌pray.‌‌As‌‌I‌‌developed‌‌this‌‌"deep‌‌listening;'‌‌which‌‌I‌‌consider‌‌
to‌ ‌be‌ ‌the‌‌heart‌‌of‌‌true‌‌prayer‌‌and‌‌meditation,‌‌a‌‌new,‌‌richer‌‌peace‌‌and‌‌contentment‌‌entered‌‌me.‌‌I‌‌
had‌ ‌begun‌ ‌to‌ ‌accept‌ ‌the‌ ‌simple‌ ‌concept,‌ ‌"Thy‌ ‌will,‌ ‌not‌ ‌mine,‌ ‌be‌ ‌done."‌ ‌And‌ ‌in‌ ‌so‌ ‌doing‌‌I‌‌freed‌‌
myself‌‌from‌‌blinding‌‌self-concern‌‌and‌‌self-indulgence.‌ ‌ ‌

The‌‌11th‌‌step‌‌of‌‌ACoA‌‌is‌‌very‌‌similar‌‌to‌‌the‌‌11th‌‌step‌‌of‌‌AA.‌‌Instead‌‌of‌‌saying‌‌“we‌‌sought‌‌through‌‌
prayer‌ ‌and‌ ‌meditation‌ ‌to‌ ‌improve‌ ‌our‌ ‌conscious‌ ‌contact‌ ‌with‌ ‌a‌ ‌Higher‌ ‌Power‌ ‌of‌ ‌our‌ ‌understanding,‌‌
praying‌‌only‌‌for‌‌knowledge‌‌of‌‌God’s‌‌will‌‌for‌‌us‌‌and‌‌the‌‌power‌‌to‌‌carry‌‌it‌‌out”,‌‌instead‌‌of‌‌him‌‌I‌‌made‌‌it‌‌“it”.‌‌
And‌‌instead‌‌of‌‌using‌‌the‌‌word‌‌God‌‌I‌‌used‌‌Higher‌‌Power.‌‌I‌‌must‌‌say‌‌I‌‌did‌‌that‌‌because‌‌I‌‌don’t‌ ‌believe‌‌that‌‌
God‌‌is‌‌a‌‌He‌‌or‌‌she,‌‌I‌‌believe‌‌it’s‌‌it.‌ ‌ ‌
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 I’d‌‌like‌‌to‌‌say‌‌that‌‌prayer‌‌and‌‌meditation‌‌have‌‌probably‌‌been‌‌the‌‌major‌‌step‌ ‌which‌‌has‌‌saved‌‌my‌‌life.‌‌
As‌ ‌I‌ ‌said‌ ‌my‌ ‌first‌ ‌11‌ ‌months‌ ‌in‌ ‌AA‌‌my‌‌hands‌‌were‌‌sweating‌‌so‌‌bad‌‌from‌‌fear‌‌and‌‌terror,‌‌I‌‌really‌‌couldn’t‌
shake‌‌anybody’s‌‌hand.‌‌My‌ ‌sponsor‌‌took‌‌me‌‌over‌‌to‌‌Transcendental‌‌Meditation‌‌where‌‌I‌‌was‌‌initiated‌‌into‌ ‌
the‌‌TM‌‌discipline‌‌and‌‌the‌‌first‌‌day‌‌that‌‌I‌‌was‌‌taught‌‌to‌‌meditate‌‌was‌‌walking‌‌through‌‌central‌‌park‌‌in‌‌New‌‌
York‌ ‌and‌ ‌my‌ ‌left‌ ‌hand‌ ‌stopped‌ ‌sweating‌ ‌and‌ ‌I‌ ‌must‌ ‌say‌ ‌at‌ ‌that‌ ‌particular‌ ‌time‌ ‌I‌ ‌wondered‌ ‌if‌ ‌it‌ ‌was‌ ‌the‌‌
Jewish‌‌half‌‌of‌‌me‌‌or‌‌the‌‌Christian‌‌half‌‌which‌‌had‌‌stopped‌‌sweating.‌ ‌ ‌

I‌ ‌saw‌ ‌from‌ ‌this‌ ‌experience‌ ‌that‌ ‌meditation‌ ‌basically‌ ‌could‌ ‌change‌‌me‌‌physiologically,‌‌that‌‌it‌‌could‌‌

change‌ ‌my‌ ‌chemical‌ ‌make-up.‌ ‌I‌ ‌went‌ ‌back‌ ‌for‌ ‌the‌ ‌refresher‌ ‌course‌ ‌two‌ ‌or‌ ‌three‌ ‌days‌ ‌later‌ ‌and‌‌after‌‌that‌‌
meditation‌ ‌my‌ ‌right‌ ‌hand‌ ‌had‌ ‌stopped‌ ‌sweating‌ ‌and‌ ‌I‌ ‌realised‌ ‌that‌ ‌basically‌ ‌meditation‌ ‌was‌ ‌a‌ ‌way‌ ‌of‌ ‌
changing‌ ‌me‌ ‌physiologically.‌ ‌I‌ ‌began‌ ‌to‌ ‌study‌ ‌all‌ ‌kinds‌ ‌of‌ ‌spiritual‌ ‌readings‌ ‌and‌ ‌I‌ ‌got‌ ‌into‌ ‌western‌‌
mysticism,‌‌eastern‌‌mysticism,‌‌I‌‌found/discovered‌‌that‌‌western‌ ‌mysticism‌‌basically‌‌seems‌‌to‌‌concentrate‌‌on‌‌
the‌ ‌head‌ ‌in‌ ‌other‌ ‌words‌ ‌I‌ ‌see‌ ‌you‌ ‌as‌ ‌the‌ ‌Christ,‌ ‌I‌ ‌love‌ ‌you.‌ ‌I‌ ‌do‌ ‌a‌ ‌lot‌ ‌of‌ ‌mental‌ ‌work‌ ‌in‌ ‌order‌ ‌to‌ ‌try‌ ‌to‌‌
become‌‌one‌‌with‌ ‌my‌‌Higher‌‌Power.‌ ‌ ‌

Eastern‌‌mysticism‌‌on‌‌the‌‌other‌‌hand‌‌concentrates‌‌mostly‌‌on‌‌the‌‌body,‌‌their‌ ‌belief‌‌system‌‌states‌‌that‌‌
there‌ ‌has‌ ‌to‌ ‌be‌ ‌a‌ ‌physiological‌ ‌transformation/change‌ ‌in‌‌the‌‌body‌‌in‌‌order‌‌to‌‌effect‌‌a‌‌permanent‌‌spiritual‌‌
transformation.‌ ‌In‌ ‌other‌ ‌words,‌‌the‌‌Big‌‌Book‌‌of‌‌AA‌‌talks‌‌about‌‌God‌‌consciousness‌‌and‌‌it‌‌talks‌‌about‌‌the‌ ‌
overwhelming‌ ‌God‌ ‌Consciousness‌ ‌which‌ ‌our‌ ‌early‌ ‌founders‌ ‌received.‌ ‌Bill‌ ‌Wilson‌ ‌had‌ ‌an‌ ‌overwhelming‌‌
spiritual‌ ‌experience,‌‌as‌‌did‌‌Marty‌‌Mann‌‌have‌‌an‌ ‌overwhelming‌‌spiritual‌‌experience.‌‌Most‌‌of‌‌us‌‌who‌‌have‌‌
come‌ ‌after‌ ‌those‌ ‌two‌ ‌people‌ ‌have‌ ‌had‌ ‌what‌ ‌is‌ ‌called‌ ‌basically‌ ‌an‌ ‌educational‌ ‌variety‌ ‌of‌ ‌spiritual‌ ‌
awakening.‌ ‌ ‌

My‌ ‌spiritual‌ ‌awakening‌ ‌has‌ ‌been‌ ‌going‌ ‌on‌ ‌and‌ ‌on‌ ‌and‌ ‌on‌ ‌and‌ ‌on‌ ‌and‌ ‌I‌ ‌have‌ ‌not‌ ‌had‌ ‌that‌‌
overwhelming‌ ‌spiritual‌ ‌experience‌ ‌that‌ ‌the‌ ‌founders‌ ‌of‌ ‌AA‌‌had.‌‌On‌‌the‌‌other‌‌hand,‌‌after‌‌Bill‌‌Wilson‌‌had‌‌
this‌ ‌spiritual‌ ‌awakening‌ ‌as‌ ‌did‌ ‌Marty‌ ‌Mann,‌ ‌they‌ ‌tried‌ ‌to‌ ‌re-capture‌ ‌it‌ ‌over‌‌the‌‌next‌‌25-30-35‌‌years‌‌and‌‌
never‌‌could.‌‌In‌‌fact,‌‌I‌‌was‌‌at‌‌the‌‌meeting‌‌where‌‌Marty‌‌Mann‌‌spoke‌‌and‌‌she‌‌had‌‌just‌‌gotten‌‌over‌‌a‌‌20-‌‌year‌‌
depression,‌‌she‌‌had‌‌just‌‌gotten‌‌initiated‌‌in‌‌Transcendental‌‌Meditation.‌ ‌ ‌

What‌‌I’m‌‌saying‌‌is‌‌that‌‌I‌‌learned‌‌that‌‌in‌‌order‌‌to‌‌get‌‌myself‌‌aligned‌‌with‌‌my‌‌Higher‌‌Power‌‌I‌‌had‌‌to‌‌
give‌ ‌up‌ ‌caffeine,‌ ‌I‌ ‌had‌ ‌to‌ ‌get‌ ‌rid‌ ‌of‌ ‌smoking‌ ‌3‌ ‌-‌ ‌3‌ ‌½‌ ‌packs‌ ‌of‌ ‌cigarettes‌ ‌a‌‌day.‌‌I‌‌had‌‌to‌‌get‌‌off‌‌the‌‌sugar,‌‌
which‌ ‌I‌ ‌am‌ ‌now‌‌5‌‌days‌‌off‌‌of‌‌again.‌‌That’s‌‌been‌‌the‌‌toughest‌‌one‌‌for‌‌me‌‌sugar,‌‌I‌‌find‌‌it‌‌to‌‌be‌‌the‌‌primary‌‌
addiction,‌ ‌but‌ ‌God‌ ‌is‌ ‌calmness‌ ‌in‌ ‌action,‌ ‌human‌ ‌being‌‌are‌‌excitement‌‌in‌‌action‌‌and‌‌I‌‌find‌‌that‌‌the‌‌drugs‌‌
that‌‌I‌‌put‌‌into‌‌my‌‌body‌‌basically‌‌to‌‌create‌‌some‌‌kind‌‌of‌‌stress‌‌or‌‌excitement‌‌in‌‌me‌‌are‌‌kind‌‌of‌‌obstacles‌‌to‌‌
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spiritual‌‌success‌‌I’ve‌‌learned‌‌that‌ ‌prayer‌‌is‌‌talking‌‌to‌‌God‌‌and‌‌meditation‌‌is‌‌listening‌‌to‌‌God‌‌and‌‌that‌‌the‌‌
highest‌‌form‌‌of‌‌prayer‌‌is‌‌listening.‌‌When‌‌my‌‌mind‌‌stops,‌‌God's‌‌mind‌‌starts.‌ ‌ ‌

(A.)‌‌ ‌

1.‌‌How‌‌often‌‌do‌‌I‌‌pray?‌ ‌

‌‌

2.‌‌How‌‌often‌‌do‌‌I‌‌meditate?‌‌ ‌

3.‌‌What‌‌do‌‌I‌‌pray‌‌for?‌ ‌ ‌

4.‌‌Do‌‌I‌‌have‌‌a‌‌daily‌‌program‌‌for‌‌prayer‌‌and‌‌meditation?‌‌If‌‌not,‌‌Am‌‌I‌‌willing‌‌to‌‌start‌‌one?‌ ‌

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Reading‌‌12‌‌-‌‌Does‌‌the‌‌ACoA‌‌Recovery‌‌Program‌‌Work?‌ ‌
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Can‌‌I‌‌Really‌‌Change?‌‌ ‌

Recovery‌ ‌is‌ ‌not‌ ‌an‌ ‌easy‌ ‌process.‌ ‌For‌ ‌the‌ ‌newcomer‌ ‌full‌ ‌of‌ ‌hope,‌ ‌recovery‌ ‌and‌‌change‌‌may‌‌
appear‌ ‌to‌ ‌be‌ ‌the‌ ‌automatic‌ ‌dividends‌ ‌of‌ ‌regular‌ ‌attendance,‌ ‌devotion‌ ‌to‌ ‌the‌ ‌programme‌ ‌and‌‌
spiritual‌ ‌development.‌ ‌Nice‌ ‌as‌ ‌this‌ ‌would‌ ‌be,‌ ‌it's‌ ‌just‌ ‌not‌ ‌true.‌ ‌I‌ ‌view‌ ‌recovery‌ ‌as‌ ‌lying‌ ‌along‌ ‌a‌‌
spectrum.‌ ‌At‌ ‌one‌‌end‌‌is‌‌"virtually‌‌no‌‌change"‌‌and‌‌at‌‌the‌‌other‌‌end‌‌is‌‌"deep‌‌substantive‌‌change."‌‌
The‌‌entire‌‌spectrum‌‌is‌‌available‌‌through‌‌the‌‌ACoA‌‌program.‌‌Some‌‌members‌‌won't‌‌stay‌‌active‌‌and‌‌
committed‌ ‌long‌ ‌enough‌‌to‌‌make‌‌more‌‌than‌‌limited‌‌progress‌‌on‌‌the‌‌journey.‌‌I‌‌have‌‌known‌‌others‌‌
who‌‌persevered‌‌and‌‌did‌‌achieve‌‌remarkable‌‌emotional‌‌well-being.‌‌These‌‌winners‌‌understood‌‌at‌‌a‌‌
deep‌ ‌level‌‌that‌‌they‌‌were‌‌sick‌‌and‌‌tired‌‌of‌‌living‌‌a‌‌tolerable‌‌half-life.‌‌They‌‌came‌‌to‌‌a‌‌point‌‌where‌‌
they‌‌were‌‌willing‌‌to‌‌go‌‌to‌‌any‌‌length‌‌to‌‌bring‌‌about‌‌true‌‌substantive‌‌change‌‌in‌‌their‌‌behaviour‌‌and‌‌
their‌ ‌relationships‌ ‌with‌‌others.‌‌That‌‌any‌‌ACoA‌‌can‌‌change‌‌is‌‌a‌‌given.‌‌As‌‌soon‌‌as‌‌someone‌‌walks‌‌
through‌ ‌the‌ ‌doors‌ ‌of‌ ‌an‌ ‌ACoA‌ ‌meeting,‌ ‌hears‌ ‌and‌ ‌identifies‌ ‌with‌ ‌the‌ ‌Laundry‌ ‌List‌ ‌and‌ ‌the‌‌
personal‌‌sharing‌‌of‌ ‌the‌‌members,‌‌the‌‌process‌‌of‌‌change‌‌has‌‌begun.‌‌When‌‌the‌‌individual‌‌begins‌‌to‌‌
understand‌ ‌the‌ ‌nature‌ ‌of‌ ‌the‌ ‌problems‌ ‌and‌ ‌how‌ ‌childhood‌ ‌disturbances‌ ‌created‌ ‌chronic‌ ‌and‌‌
continuing‌‌problems,‌ ‌the‌‌journey‌‌truly‌‌begins.‌‌ ‌

The‌ ‌extent‌ ‌of‌ ‌change‌ ‌depends‌ ‌on‌ ‌the‌ ‌ACoA’s‌ ‌willingness‌ ‌to‌ ‌continue‌ ‌the‌ ‌journey.‌ ‌So,‌ ‌the‌‌
answer‌ ‌to‌ ‌the‌ ‌question‌ ‌is,‌ ‌"Yes,‌ ‌anyone‌ ‌can‌ ‌change,‌ ‌and‌ ‌for‌ ‌some‌ ‌this‌ ‌change‌ ‌can‌ ‌be‌ ‌deep‌ ‌and‌‌
formidable."‌‌The‌‌extensive‌‌changes‌‌that‌‌I‌‌have‌‌seen‌‌and‌‌experienced‌‌cover‌‌a‌‌wide‌‌range‌‌of‌‌issues.‌‌
Whether‌ ‌it‌ ‌was‌ ‌a‌‌problem‌‌with‌‌abandonment,‌‌fear‌‌of‌‌authority‌‌figures,‌‌guilt,‌‌control‌‌or‌‌inability‌‌
to‌‌express‌‌stuffed‌ ‌feelings,‌‌healing‌‌change‌‌took‌‌place‌‌after‌‌a‌‌concerted‌‌effort‌‌in‌‌recovery.‌‌Change‌‌
is‌‌probably‌‌most‌‌evident‌‌in‌‌the‌‌meetings.‌ ‌ ‌

Over‌‌time‌‌I‌‌have‌‌watched‌‌suspicious,‌‌angry‌‌and‌‌rigid‌‌members‌‌become‌‌open,‌‌accepting‌‌and‌‌
trusting.‌ ‌This‌ ‌to‌ ‌me‌ ‌was‌ ‌transformation‌ ‌of‌ ‌the‌ ‌most‌ ‌fundamental‌ ‌kind.‌ ‌I‌ ‌have‌ ‌also‌ ‌observed‌‌
desperately‌ ‌shy‌ ‌and‌ ‌frightened,‌ ‌dependent‌ ‌individuals‌ ‌emerge‌ ‌from‌ ‌their‌ ‌constricted‌ ‌world‌ ‌and‌‌
become‌‌confident,‌‌independent‌‌and‌‌whole.‌‌Over‌‌the‌‌years‌‌I've‌‌had‌‌a‌‌real‌‌opportunity‌‌in‌‌ACoA‌‌to‌‌
witness‌ ‌many‌ ‌miracles.‌ ‌What‌ ‌saddens‌ ‌me‌ ‌most‌ ‌are‌ ‌those‌ ‌who‌ ‌start‌ ‌the‌ ‌journey‌‌only‌‌to‌‌fade‌‌and‌‌
retreat‌ ‌once‌ ‌again‌ ‌into‌ ‌denial‌ ‌after‌ ‌just‌ ‌three‌ ‌or‌‌four‌‌meetings.‌‌I‌‌have‌‌to‌‌keep‌‌remembering‌‌that‌‌

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they‌ ‌are‌ ‌not‌ ‌at‌ ‌fault.‌ ‌It‌ ‌is‌ ‌their‌ ‌disease‌ ‌that‌ ‌diverts‌ ‌them‌ ‌from‌ ‌a‌ ‌chance‌ ‌to‌ ‌bring‌ ‌about‌ ‌true,‌‌
wholesome‌‌change‌‌in‌‌their‌‌lives.‌ ‌ ‌

For‌ ‌those‌ ‌who‌ ‌persevere,‌ ‌the‌‌rewards‌‌are‌‌many.‌‌When‌‌I‌‌am‌‌asked‌‌how‌‌long‌‌it‌‌will‌‌take‌‌for‌ ‌

substantive‌ ‌change‌ ‌to‌ ‌occur,‌ ‌I‌ ‌can‌ ‌only‌ ‌share‌ ‌that‌ ‌each‌ ‌person's‌ ‌recovery‌ ‌is‌ ‌different.‌ ‌No‌ ‌two‌‌
people‌‌will‌‌grow‌‌and‌‌change‌‌at‌‌the‌‌same‌‌rate.‌‌I‌‌do‌‌know,‌‌however,‌‌that‌‌the‌‌more‌‌effort,‌‌the‌‌more‌‌
attention‌ ‌paid‌ ‌to‌ ‌issues,‌ ‌the‌ ‌more‌ ‌risking‌ ‌in‌ ‌new‌ ‌areas,‌ ‌the‌ ‌better‌ ‌the‌ ‌chances‌ ‌are‌ ‌for‌ ‌an‌ ‌early‌‌
recovery‌ ‌from‌ ‌some‌ ‌difficult‌ ‌problems.‌ ‌I‌ ‌can't‌ ‌stress‌ ‌enough‌‌how‌‌much‌‌hard‌‌work‌‌is‌‌required‌‌in‌‌
order‌‌to‌‌achieve‌‌long-lasting‌‌change.‌‌Surface‌‌or‌‌cosmetic‌‌change‌‌is‌‌relatively‌‌easy;‌‌ACoA’s‌‌do‌‌it‌‌all‌‌
the‌ ‌time.‌ ‌A‌ ‌little‌ ‌knowledge‌ ‌and‌ ‌sharing‌ ‌can‌ ‌sometimes‌ ‌mislead‌ ‌newcomers‌ ‌into‌ ‌believing‌ ‌they‌‌
have‌ ‌made‌ ‌great‌ ‌strides‌ ‌-‌ ‌until‌ ‌they‌ ‌collide‌ ‌with‌ ‌some‌ ‌of‌ ‌their‌ ‌more‌ ‌enduring‌ ‌and‌ ‌resistant‌‌
patterns‌‌of‌‌behaviour.‌‌For‌ ‌all‌‌ACoA’s‌‌it's‌‌very‌‌discouraging‌‌and‌‌humbling‌‌to‌‌discover‌‌that‌‌an‌‌issue‌‌
you‌‌thought‌‌you‌‌had‌‌overcome‌‌was‌‌right‌‌back‌‌causing‌‌great‌‌difficulty.‌‌I‌‌counsel‌‌newcomers‌‌not‌‌to‌‌
expect‌‌immediate‌‌recovery‌ ‌in‌‌such‌‌areas‌‌as‌‌control,‌‌fear‌‌and‌‌rage.‌‌Little‌‌issues‌‌and‌‌problems‌‌yield‌‌
more‌ ‌readily.‌ ‌Some‌ ‌issues‌ ‌and‌ ‌behaviour‌ ‌patterns‌ ‌will‌ ‌require‌‌long‌‌term‌‌alertness.‌‌For‌‌everyone,‌‌
ACoA‌‌or‌‌not,‌‌old‌‌habit‌‌patterns‌‌die‌‌hard.‌‌It's‌‌up‌‌to‌‌us‌‌to‌‌outlast‌‌their‌‌influence‌‌upon‌‌us.‌ ‌ ‌

In‌‌ACoA‌‌change‌‌comes‌‌from‌‌being‌‌willing‌‌to‌‌alter‌‌our‌‌reactions‌‌as‌‌well‌‌as‌‌our‌‌actions.‌‌I‌‌had‌‌
to‌ ‌learn‌ ‌not‌ ‌to‌ ‌react‌ ‌to‌ ‌sickness‌ ‌in‌ ‌others.‌ ‌I‌ ‌taught‌ ‌myself‌ ‌not‌ ‌to‌ ‌overreact‌ ‌to‌ ‌strong‌ ‌or‌ ‌rude‌‌
criticism.‌ ‌I‌ ‌had‌ ‌to‌ ‌slow‌ ‌down‌ ‌and‌ ‌examine‌ ‌my‌ ‌reactions‌ ‌outside‌ ‌stimuli.‌ ‌At‌ ‌parties,‌ ‌in‌ ‌money‌‌
matters,‌ ‌with‌ ‌my‌ ‌children,‌ ‌I‌ ‌had‌ ‌to‌ ‌get‌ ‌past‌ ‌old‌ ‌automatic‌ ‌responses‌ ‌(most‌ ‌of‌ ‌which‌ ‌were‌‌
fear-based)‌ ‌and‌ ‌give‌ ‌myself‌ ‌time‌ ‌to‌ ‌think.‌ ‌I‌ ‌also‌ ‌had‌ ‌to‌ ‌stop‌ ‌all‌‌of‌‌my‌‌violent‌‌critical‌‌attacks‌‌on‌‌
myself.‌ ‌This‌ ‌latter‌ ‌problem‌ ‌changed‌ ‌by‌ ‌using‌ ‌positive‌ ‌affirmations‌ ‌and‌ ‌visualizations‌ ‌to‌ ‌replace‌‌
my‌‌scathing‌‌denunciations‌‌when‌‌I‌‌acted‌ ‌inappropriately‌‌or‌‌blundered‌‌in‌‌some‌‌way.‌‌Over‌‌and‌‌over‌‌
I‌‌would‌‌say‌‌to‌‌myself,‌‌"I‌‌love‌‌you,‌‌Tony.‌ ‌You‌‌did‌‌the‌‌best‌‌you‌‌could."‌‌The‌‌whole‌‌ACoA‌‌process‌‌is‌‌
one‌ ‌of‌ ‌change.‌ ‌People‌ ‌come‌ ‌through‌ ‌the‌ ‌doors‌ ‌with‌ ‌some‌ ‌incredibly‌ ‌destructive‌ ‌beliefs‌ ‌and‌‌
behaviour‌ ‌patterns.‌ ‌The‌ ‌task‌ ‌of‌ ‌ACoA‌ ‌is‌‌to‌‌enable‌‌and‌‌guide‌‌people‌‌through‌‌some‌‌much-needed‌‌
change.‌‌The‌‌fact‌‌that‌‌there‌‌are‌‌meetings‌‌and‌‌people‌‌sitting‌‌together‌‌sharing‌‌about‌‌their‌‌problems,‌‌
drawing‌ ‌strength‌ ‌from‌ ‌each‌ ‌other,‌ ‌trusting,‌ ‌feeling‌ ‌and‌ ‌revealing‌ ‌who‌ ‌they‌ ‌really‌ ‌are‌ ‌is‌ ‌a‌ ‌clear‌‌
indication‌‌to‌‌me‌‌that‌‌ACoA‌‌can‌‌bring‌‌real‌‌change‌‌to‌‌its‌ ‌members.‌ ‌ ‌

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What‌‌Is‌‌Recovery?‌‌ ‌

Every‌ ‌ACoA’s‌ ‌perception‌ ‌of‌ ‌recovery‌ ‌is‌ ‌different.‌ ‌No‌ ‌two‌ ‌individuals‌ ‌will‌ ‌have‌ ‌the‌ ‌same‌‌
impressions‌ ‌and‌ ‌expectations.‌ ‌One‌ ‌may‌ ‌be‌ ‌looking‌ ‌forward‌ ‌to‌ ‌a‌ ‌new‌ ‌spontaneity‌ ‌and‌ ‌truly‌‌
satisfying‌ ‌relationships,‌ ‌while‌ ‌another‌ ‌may‌ ‌be‌ ‌seeking‌‌a‌‌peaceful‌‌serenity‌‌with‌‌an‌‌end‌‌to‌‌anxiety‌‌
and‌‌fear.‌‌In‌‌truth,‌‌recovery‌‌can‌‌be‌‌all‌‌of‌‌these‌‌and‌‌much‌‌more.‌‌Any‌‌effort‌‌to‌‌portray‌‌recovery‌‌needs‌‌
to‌‌focus‌‌on‌‌the‌‌most‌‌common‌‌patterns‌‌at‌‌the‌‌core‌‌of‌‌our‌‌being.‌‌Like‌‌all‌‌other‌‌ACoA’s,‌‌my‌‌recovery‌‌
efforts‌‌have‌‌been‌‌aimed‌‌at‌‌surrendering‌‌and‌‌letting‌‌go‌‌of‌‌a‌‌whole‌‌series‌‌of‌‌inappropriate‌‌defences.‌‌
At‌ ‌the‌ ‌same‌ ‌time,‌ ‌I‌ ‌am‌ ‌actively‌ ‌developing‌ ‌a‌ ‌blameless‌ ‌understanding‌ ‌of‌ ‌myself‌ ‌and‌ ‌taking‌‌
positive‌ ‌actions‌ ‌that‌ ‌I‌ ‌know‌ ‌can‌ ‌lead‌ ‌to‌ ‌self-acceptance‌ ‌and‌ ‌self-love.‌ ‌For‌ ‌years‌ ‌I‌ ‌lived‌ ‌a‌ ‌life‌ ‌of‌‌
shame,‌ ‌secrecy‌ ‌and‌ ‌desperation‌ ‌and‌ ‌I‌ ‌yearned‌ ‌for‌ ‌an‌‌existence‌‌where‌‌I‌‌could‌‌be‌‌with‌‌myself‌‌and‌‌
others‌‌in‌‌a‌‌state‌‌that's‌‌not‌‌easy‌‌to‌‌attain‌‌in‌‌today's‌‌stress-filled‌‌world.‌ ‌

Regardless‌‌of‌‌our‌‌denial‌‌or‌‌our‌‌successes‌‌in‌‌life,‌‌I‌‌think‌‌that‌‌most‌‌un-recovering‌‌ACoA’s‌‌are‌‌
painfully‌ ‌aware‌ ‌that‌ ‌they‌ ‌are‌ ‌not‌ ‌functioning‌ ‌well.‌ ‌They‌ ‌sense‌ ‌that‌ ‌something‌ ‌is‌ ‌terribly‌ ‌amiss.‌‌
Unfortunately,‌ ‌they‌ ‌join‌ ‌most‌ ‌of‌ ‌their‌ ‌neighbours‌ ‌in‌ ‌the‌ ‌great‌ ‌conspiracy‌ ‌called,‌‌"Let's‌‌keep‌‌our‌‌
pain‌‌and‌‌our‌‌humanity‌‌concealed."‌‌Everyone‌‌gets‌‌to‌‌play‌‌this‌‌game‌‌of‌‌"act‌‌as‌‌if."‌‌Some‌‌do‌‌it‌‌well;‌‌
others‌ ‌have‌ ‌little‌ ‌capacity‌‌for‌‌it‌‌and‌‌seek‌‌help;‌‌still‌‌others‌‌get‌‌addicted‌‌and‌‌go‌‌crazy.‌‌It‌‌takes‌‌real‌‌
courage‌ ‌to‌ ‌enter‌ ‌a‌ ‌self-help‌ ‌recovery‌ ‌program‌ ‌such‌ ‌as‌‌ACoA.‌‌And‌‌it‌‌takes‌‌even‌‌greater‌‌valour‌‌to‌‌
start‌‌revealing‌‌the‌‌long-hidden‌‌family‌‌secrets‌‌and‌‌our‌‌continued‌‌sick‌‌responses‌‌to‌‌them.‌‌Recovery‌‌
is‌‌a‌‌wondrous,‌‌inspired,‌‌ongoing‌‌process.‌ ‌

Newcomers‌ ‌walk‌ ‌through‌ ‌the‌ ‌doors‌ ‌of‌ ‌ACoA‌ ‌barely‌ ‌able‌ ‌to‌ ‌articulate‌ ‌the‌ ‌nature‌ ‌and‌‌
substance‌‌of‌‌the‌‌pain‌‌that‌‌brought‌‌them‌‌to‌‌the‌‌meeting.‌‌They‌‌can‌‌only‌‌say,‌‌"I‌‌don't‌‌want‌‌to‌‌be‌‌this‌‌
way‌‌any‌‌longer."‌ ‌

They‌‌actually‌‌are‌‌willing‌‌to‌‌surrender‌‌the‌‌very‌‌defences‌‌and‌‌behaviour‌‌patterns‌‌that‌‌helped‌‌them‌ ‌

survive‌ ‌in‌ ‌their‌ ‌alcoholic‌ ‌household.‌ ‌They‌ ‌begin‌ ‌the‌ ‌awesome‌ ‌process‌ ‌of‌‌changing‌‌their‌‌lifelong‌‌
responses‌ ‌and‌ ‌actions.‌‌With‌‌the‌‌help‌‌of‌‌others‌‌and‌‌a‌‌Higher‌‌Power,‌‌their‌‌sick,‌‌distorted‌‌thinking‌‌
begins‌ ‌to‌ ‌heal‌ ‌and‌ ‌they‌ ‌start‌ ‌to‌ ‌feel‌ ‌the‌ ‌gift‌‌of‌‌emotional‌‌well-being.‌‌This‌‌gift‌‌is‌‌something‌‌they‌‌
will‌ ‌have‌ ‌to‌ ‌nurture‌ ‌and‌ ‌tend‌ ‌to‌ ‌for‌ ‌the‌ ‌rest‌ ‌of‌ ‌their‌ ‌lives,‌‌but‌‌it‌‌is‌‌a‌‌task‌‌that‌‌becomes‌‌easier‌‌as‌‌
self-love‌‌blossoms.‌ ‌

‌
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Recovery‌‌is‌‌.‌‌.‌‌.‌ ‌

➢ An‌‌expanding‌‌process‌‌of‌‌self-understanding‌ ‌

➢ Creating‌‌and‌‌sustaining‌‌supportive,‌‌mutually‌‌enjoyable‌‌personal‌‌relationships‌ ‌

➢ Having‌ ‌the‌ ‌ability‌ ‌to‌ ‌feel‌ ‌and‌ ‌experience‌ ‌a‌ ‌full‌ ‌range‌ ‌of‌ ‌emotions‌ ‌in‌ ‌wholesome‌ ‌and‌‌
appropriate‌‌ways‌ ‌

➢ Being‌‌clear‌‌about‌‌one's‌‌needs‌‌and‌‌being‌‌able‌‌to‌‌ask‌‌to‌‌have‌‌them‌‌met‌‌in‌‌a‌‌positive‌‌manner‌ ‌

➢ Taking‌‌healthy‌‌actions‌‌and‌‌risks‌‌that‌‌will‌‌lead‌‌to‌‌increased‌‌self-acceptance‌ ‌

➢ Confronting‌ ‌problems‌ ‌and‌ ‌difficulties‌ ‌with‌ ‌confidence‌ ‌in‌ ‌an‌ ‌ability‌ ‌to‌ ‌resolve‌ ‌them‌‌
effectively‌ ‌

➢ A‌‌willingness‌‌to‌‌grow‌‌along‌‌spiritual‌‌lines‌ ‌

➢ Emotional‌‌balance‌‌and‌‌a‌‌state‌‌of‌‌well-being‌ ‌

Being‌‌a‌‌Healthy‌‌Parent‌‌to‌‌our‌‌Wounded‌‌Child‌‌Within‌ ‌

In‌‌our‌‌first‌‌few‌‌years‌‌upon‌‌this‌‌earth‌‌we‌‌had‌‌an‌‌opportunity‌‌to‌‌be‌‌vital,‌‌spontaneous‌‌human‌‌
beings,‌ ‌full‌ ‌of‌ ‌hope‌ ‌and‌ ‌confidence.‌ ‌But‌ ‌something‌ ‌happened‌ ‌-‌ ‌and‌ ‌the‌‌sick‌‌family‌‌environment‌‌
put‌‌an‌‌end‌‌to‌‌our‌‌infant‌‌chances‌‌for‌‌a‌‌wholesome‌‌upbringing.‌‌Instead‌‌our‌‌infant‌‌was‌‌neglected‌‌or‌‌
abused‌ ‌for‌ ‌many‌ ‌years,‌ ‌without‌ ‌hope,‌ ‌without‌ ‌healthy‌ ‌nurture‌ ‌and‌ ‌above‌ ‌all‌ ‌without‌‌
understanding.‌ ‌In‌ ‌adult‌ ‌life‌ ‌many‌‌former‌‌infants‌‌try‌‌to‌‌heal‌‌their‌‌abandoned‌‌child‌‌by‌‌"doing,"‌‌by‌‌
compensating‌‌for‌‌the‌‌sense‌‌of‌‌shame‌‌and‌‌worthlessness‌‌that‌‌they‌‌carry‌‌with‌‌them.‌‌The‌‌greater‌‌the‌
outer‌ ‌display,‌ ‌the‌ ‌greater‌ ‌the‌ ‌inner‌ ‌poverty.‌ ‌Finally,‌ ‌with‌ ‌the‌ ‌help‌ ‌of‌ ‌ACoA,‌ ‌we‌ ‌began‌ ‌to‌‌
understand‌‌that‌‌healing‌‌could‌‌only‌‌be‌‌realized‌‌by‌‌going‌‌within‌‌and‌‌rescuing‌‌the‌‌abandoned‌‌child.‌‌
In‌‌order‌‌to‌‌heal‌‌the‌‌pain,‌‌we‌‌were‌‌asked‌‌to‌‌embrace‌‌it,‌‌feel‌‌it,‌‌sit‌‌quietly‌‌and‌‌re-experience‌‌all‌‌the‌‌
hurt,‌ ‌torment,‌ ‌abuse‌ ‌and‌ ‌helplessness.‌ ‌We‌ ‌were‌ ‌told‌ ‌that‌‌such‌‌actions‌‌could‌‌bring‌‌our‌‌child‌‌into‌‌
the‌‌light.‌‌For‌‌many‌‌it‌‌took‌‌an‌‌incredible‌‌act‌‌of‌‌faith‌‌to‌‌bridge‌‌a‌‌lifetime‌‌of‌‌emotional‌‌defences‌‌and‌‌
begin‌ ‌rescue‌ ‌efforts.‌ ‌Once‌ ‌the‌ ‌abandoned‌ ‌child‌ ‌has‌ ‌been‌ ‌brought‌ ‌into‌ ‌the‌ ‌light,‌ ‌nurturing‌ ‌is‌‌
essential‌‌to‌‌keep‌‌it‌‌from‌‌slipping‌‌back‌‌into‌‌the‌‌darkness‌‌once‌‌again.‌ ‌

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 Each‌ ‌of‌ ‌us‌ ‌needs‌ ‌to‌ ‌learn‌ ‌how‌ ‌to‌ ‌give‌ ‌nourishment‌ ‌to‌ ‌that‌ ‌part‌‌of‌‌ourselves‌‌that‌‌has‌‌been‌‌
locked‌ ‌away‌ ‌for‌ ‌so‌ ‌long.‌ ‌The‌ ‌child‌ ‌is‌ ‌the‌ ‌core‌ ‌spirit‌ ‌that‌ ‌we‌ ‌carry.‌ ‌That‌ ‌spirit‌ ‌needs‌ ‌to‌ ‌be‌‌
acknowledged,‌‌accepted‌‌and‌‌loved.‌‌In‌‌my‌‌journey‌‌I‌‌turned‌‌to‌‌affirmations‌‌each‌‌day.‌‌The‌‌first‌‌day‌‌I‌‌
began‌ ‌saying,‌ ‌"I‌ ‌love‌ ‌you‌ ‌little‌ ‌Tony."‌ ‌I‌ ‌was‌ ‌embarrassed‌ ‌and‌ ‌wanted‌ ‌to‌ ‌run.‌ ‌Slowly,‌ ‌however,‌ ‌I‌‌
began‌‌to‌‌get‌‌a‌‌new‌‌sense‌‌of‌‌myself.‌‌I‌‌also‌‌used‌‌visualizations.‌‌I‌‌would‌‌create‌‌a‌‌mind‌‌picture‌‌of‌‌the‌‌
adult‌‌me‌‌hugging‌‌and‌‌protecting‌‌the‌‌abandoned‌‌infant‌‌me.‌‌I‌‌formed‌‌a‌‌relationship‌‌with‌‌this‌‌other‌‌
me.‌‌I‌‌made‌‌it‌‌a‌‌sacred‌‌and‌‌cherished‌‌one.‌‌I‌‌knew‌‌that‌‌I‌‌had‌‌to‌‌develop‌‌a‌‌loving‌‌acceptance‌‌of‌‌this‌‌
other‌ ‌me‌ ‌and‌ ‌that‌ ‌my‌ ‌loathing‌ ‌and‌ ‌self-hatred‌ ‌were‌ ‌all‌ ‌inside‌ ‌this‌ ‌lost‌ ‌child.‌ ‌Over‌ ‌time‌ ‌I‌ ‌fully‌‌
adopted‌‌this‌‌child‌‌and‌‌became‌‌a‌‌responsible,‌‌caring‌‌parent.‌ ‌

I‌ ‌analyse‌ ‌that‌ ‌the‌ ‌foregoing‌ ‌passages‌ ‌might‌ ‌leave‌ ‌you‌ ‌wondering‌ ‌about‌ ‌my‌ ‌sanity!‌ ‌Let‌ ‌me‌‌
say‌‌that‌‌just‌‌as‌‌I‌‌believe‌‌that‌‌I‌‌have‌‌a‌‌Higher‌‌Power‌‌to‌‌call‌‌on‌‌for‌‌help,‌‌I‌‌also‌‌believe‌‌that‌‌there‌‌is‌‌a‌‌
lost‌‌little‌‌child‌‌in‌‌me‌‌at‌‌the‌‌core‌‌of‌‌my‌‌being.‌‌I‌‌think‌‌that‌‌life‌‌became‌‌so‌‌painful‌‌for‌‌that‌‌child‌‌that‌‌
it‌‌licked‌‌its‌‌wounds‌‌and‌‌went‌‌off‌‌to‌‌a‌‌dark‌‌corner.‌‌This‌‌child‌‌needed‌‌to‌‌be‌‌acknowledged.‌‌I‌‌needed‌‌
to‌ ‌re-experience‌ ‌all‌ ‌of‌ ‌this‌ ‌lost‌ ‌child's‌ ‌hurt‌ ‌and‌ ‌shame,‌ ‌own‌ ‌it‌ ‌and‌ ‌free‌ ‌the‌ ‌child.‌ ‌Deep‌ ‌inside‌ ‌I‌‌
knew‌‌that‌‌until‌‌I‌‌liberated‌‌this‌‌child‌‌and‌‌nurtured‌‌it,‌‌I‌‌couldn't‌‌be‌‌fully‌‌integrated.‌ ‌

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Reading‌‌13‌‌-‌‌Avoiding‌‌the‌‌ACoA‌‌12‌‌Steps‌‌of‌‌Recovery‌
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Sometimes‌ ‌members‌ ‌can‌‌get‌‌so‌‌carried‌‌away‌‌with‌‌the‌‌dynamics‌‌of‌‌the‌‌sharing‌‌process‌‌and‌‌
the‌ ‌recitation‌ ‌of‌ ‌their‌ ‌problems‌ ‌that‌ ‌they‌ ‌ignore‌ ‌the‌ ‌important‌ ‌framework‌ ‌that‌ ‌holds‌ ‌the‌ ‌ACoA‌‌
structure‌ ‌together:‌ ‌the‌ ‌ACoA‌ ‌12‌ ‌Steps.‌ ‌These‌ ‌steps‌ ‌are‌ ‌meant‌ ‌to‌ ‌be‌ ‌incorporated‌ ‌into‌ ‌daily‌ ‌life.‌‌
The‌ ‌central‌ ‌themes‌ ‌of‌ ‌the‌ ‌steps‌ ‌focus‌ ‌on‌‌love‌‌and‌‌understanding.‌‌We‌‌are‌‌asked‌‌to‌‌undertake‌‌the‌‌
task‌‌of‌‌reversing‌‌our‌‌behaviour‌‌and‌‌start‌‌loving‌‌ourselves.‌‌To‌‌do‌‌this‌‌requires‌‌a‌‌certain‌‌amount‌‌of‌‌
surrender,‌‌some‌‌examination‌‌of‌‌our‌‌parents‌‌and‌‌ourselves‌‌and‌‌a‌‌willingness‌‌to‌‌correct‌‌wrongs‌‌and‌‌
grow‌‌along‌‌spiritual‌‌lines.‌ ‌

Working‌‌most‌‌steps‌‌is‌‌a‌‌solitary‌‌affair.‌‌Some‌‌members‌‌prefer‌‌the‌‌excitement‌‌and‌‌challenges‌‌
of‌ ‌the‌ ‌meetings‌ ‌and‌ ‌social‌‌fellowship‌‌to‌‌the‌‌singular‌‌process‌‌of‌‌step‌‌work.‌‌Yet‌‌it‌‌is‌‌essential‌‌that‌‌
we‌ ‌keep‌ ‌the‌ ‌focus‌ ‌on‌ ‌ourselves.‌ ‌The‌ ‌steps‌ ‌help‌ ‌make‌ ‌this‌ ‌possible.‌ ‌The‌ ‌ACoA‌ ‌12‌ ‌Steps‌ ‌offer‌‌
nourishment,‌ ‌not‌ ‌punishment.‌ ‌ACoA’s‌ ‌have‌ ‌had‌ ‌enough‌ ‌punishment‌ ‌in‌ ‌their‌ ‌lives.‌ ‌The‌ ‌steps‌‌
accelerate‌ ‌self-awareness,‌ ‌and‌ ‌for‌ ‌many‌ ‌they‌ ‌will‌ ‌be‌ ‌the‌ ‌first‌ ‌real‌ ‌opportunity‌ ‌to‌ ‌develop‌ ‌a‌‌
relationship‌‌with‌‌a‌‌Higher‌‌Power.‌ ‌

Despite‌‌all‌‌these‌‌benefits‌‌some‌‌members‌‌may‌‌not‌‌actively‌‌work‌‌the‌‌steps.‌‌Others‌‌may‌‌jump‌‌
in‌‌only‌‌to‌‌fade‌‌when‌‌they‌‌arrive‌‌at‌‌steps‌‌four‌‌and‌‌five.‌‌Some‌‌may‌‌resist‌‌undertaking‌‌an‌‌inventory‌‌of‌‌
their‌ ‌parents.‌ ‌Perhaps‌ ‌they‌ ‌will‌ ‌feel‌ ‌that‌‌such‌‌actions‌‌are‌‌betrayal‌‌of‌‌the‌‌family‌‌secrets‌‌or‌‌maybe‌‌
they‌ ‌prefer‌ ‌to‌ ‌bury‌ ‌the‌ ‌past.‌ ‌Many‌ ‌members‌ ‌are‌ ‌disturbed‌‌when‌‌they‌‌see‌‌that‌‌they‌‌have‌‌many‌‌of‌‌
the‌ ‌same‌ ‌behaviour‌ ‌patterns‌ ‌as‌ ‌their‌ ‌dysfunctional‌ ‌parents.‌ ‌This‌ ‌is‌ ‌simply‌ ‌a‌ ‌fact.‌ ‌Our‌ ‌early‌‌
training‌ ‌system‌ ‌was‌ ‌our‌ ‌parents,‌ ‌and‌ ‌we‌ ‌invariably‌ ‌learned‌ ‌to‌ ‌respond‌ ‌to‌ ‌life‌ ‌in‌ ‌much‌ ‌the‌ ‌same‌‌
way‌ ‌as‌ ‌our‌‌parents.‌‌Blame‌‌is‌‌not‌‌an‌‌issue;‌‌we‌‌are‌‌merely‌‌trying‌‌to‌‌examine‌‌the‌‌dimensions‌‌of‌‌the‌‌
problem's‌‌behaviour‌‌and‌‌be‌‌aware‌‌of‌‌its‌‌influence‌‌and‌‌the‌‌impact‌‌of‌‌it‌‌on‌‌our‌‌lives.‌ ‌

Perfectionism‌‌ ‌

The‌ ‌desire‌ ‌to‌ ‌be‌ ‌perfect‌ ‌in‌‌performance,‌‌knowledge‌‌or‌‌behaviour‌‌is‌‌a‌‌perplexing‌‌character‌

trait‌‌that‌‌definitely‌‌works‌‌against‌‌recovery.‌‌I‌‌believe‌‌that‌‌perfectionism‌‌is‌‌created‌‌by‌‌fear.‌‌This‌‌was‌‌
certainly‌ ‌true‌ ‌for‌ ‌me.‌ ‌I‌ ‌became‌ ‌a‌ ‌perfectionist‌ ‌because‌‌I‌‌was‌‌afraid‌‌of‌‌punishment.‌‌If‌‌I‌‌didn't‌‌do‌‌
something‌ ‌perfectly,‌ ‌I‌ ‌might‌ ‌be‌ ‌rejected,‌ ‌ridiculed,‌ ‌fired,‌ ‌abandoned‌ ‌or‌ ‌ignored.‌ ‌Many‌ ‌people‌‌
become‌ ‌perfectionists‌ ‌to‌ ‌please‌ ‌the‌ ‌world.‌ ‌My‌ ‌ACoA‌ ‌issue‌ ‌involving‌ ‌perfectionism‌ ‌also‌ ‌stems‌‌

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from‌‌an‌‌effort‌‌to‌‌control‌‌the‌‌outside‌‌world‌‌so‌‌that‌‌I‌‌won't‌‌be‌‌hurt‌‌but‌‌will‌‌be‌‌accepted‌‌and‌‌loved.‌‌
So,‌‌my‌‌efforts‌‌at‌‌perfection‌‌were‌‌aimed‌‌at‌‌favourably‌‌influencing‌‌what‌‌I‌‌perceived‌‌to‌‌be‌‌a‌‌hostile,‌‌
unfriendly‌‌world.‌ ‌

In‌ ‌ACoA‌ ‌we‌ ‌ask‌ ‌people‌ ‌to‌ ‌turn‌ ‌inward,‌ ‌to‌ ‌respect‌ ‌the‌ ‌inner‌ ‌self‌ ‌and‌ ‌not‌ ‌stay‌ ‌stuck‌ ‌in‌‌
pleasing‌‌the‌‌external‌‌world.‌‌Perfectionism‌‌involves‌‌greater‌‌effort‌‌and‌‌energy,‌‌much‌‌of‌‌which‌‌could‌‌
be‌‌re-‌‌channelled‌‌to‌‌a‌‌sensible‌‌application‌‌of‌‌programme‌‌principles.‌ ‌

Such‌ ‌suggestions‌ ‌as‌‌"Easy‌‌does‌‌it,‌‌but‌‌do‌‌it,"‌‌"Lower‌‌your‌‌standards‌‌and‌‌your‌‌performance‌‌

will‌ ‌rise"‌ ‌and‌ ‌"Think"‌ ‌can‌ ‌help‌ ‌the‌ ‌perfectionist‌ ‌to‌ ‌loosen‌ ‌the‌ ‌grip‌ ‌of‌ ‌fear.‌ ‌Overly‌ ‌responsible‌‌
individuals‌ ‌are‌ ‌particularly‌ ‌troubled‌ ‌by‌‌perfectionism‌‌in‌‌all‌‌sorts‌‌of‌‌matters.‌‌Fortunately,‌‌there‌‌is‌‌
no‌‌possibility‌‌of‌‌working‌‌the‌‌ACoA‌‌programme‌‌perfectly!‌‌How‌‌well‌‌we‌‌work‌‌the‌‌programme‌‌will‌‌
be‌ ‌reflected‌‌in‌‌how‌‌we‌‌feel‌‌about‌‌ourselves‌‌and‌‌in‌‌the‌‌nature‌‌of‌‌our‌‌relationship‌‌with‌‌our‌‌Higher‌‌
Power.‌‌Only‌‌we‌‌can‌‌judge‌‌the‌‌results.‌ ‌

Instant‌‌Relationships‌ ‌

Developing‌ ‌friendships‌ ‌with‌ ‌members‌ ‌of‌ ‌your‌ ‌ACoA‌ ‌groups‌ ‌is‌ ‌a‌ ‌healthy‌ ‌activity.‌ ‌It‌‌
demonstrates‌ ‌a‌ ‌willingness‌ ‌to‌ ‌reach‌ ‌out,‌ ‌open‌ ‌up‌ ‌and‌ ‌share.‌ ‌There‌ ‌is,‌ ‌however,‌ ‌one‌ ‌social‌‌
approach‌‌that‌‌can‌‌be‌‌troublesome,‌‌especially‌‌for‌‌those‌‌in‌‌the‌‌first‌‌year‌‌of‌‌recovery.‌ ‌

Too‌ ‌often‌ ‌newcomers‌ ‌become‌ ‌prematurely‌ ‌involved‌ ‌with‌ ‌ACoA‌ ‌members‌ ‌of‌ ‌the‌ ‌opposite‌‌
sex.‌‌They‌‌form‌‌instant‌‌physical‌‌relationships‌‌with‌‌each‌‌other.‌‌This‌‌is‌‌natural,‌‌common‌‌issues‌‌and‌‌
a‌ ‌sense‌ ‌of‌ ‌family‌ ‌tend‌ ‌to‌ ‌draw‌ ‌people‌ ‌together.‌ ‌Sometimes‌ ‌it‌ ‌is‌ ‌a‌ ‌lost‌ ‌child‌ ‌calling‌ ‌to‌ ‌a‌ ‌rescuer.‌‌
Instant‌ ‌romance‌‌however,‌‌takes‌‌a‌‌great‌‌deal‌‌of‌‌time,‌‌attention‌‌and‌‌energy.‌‌The‌‌new‌‌romantic‌‌has‌‌
shifted‌‌his‌‌or‌‌her‌‌centre‌‌away‌‌from‌‌recovery‌‌to‌‌the‌‌demands‌‌of‌‌the‌‌new‌‌relationship.‌‌And‌‌sadly,‌‌I‌‌
know‌‌of‌‌no‌‌self-help‌‌recovery‌‌programme‌‌that‌‌can‌‌compete‌‌with‌‌a‌‌new‌‌romance.‌‌Thus,‌‌it‌‌generally‌‌
leads‌‌to‌‌a‌‌setback‌‌or‌‌slowdown‌‌in‌‌the‌‌recovery‌‌process.‌ ‌

The‌‌"me"‌‌that‌‌first‌‌shows‌‌up‌‌at‌‌an‌‌ACoA‌‌meeting‌‌is‌‌usually‌‌quite‌‌desperate‌‌and‌‌emotionally‌‌
troubled‌ ‌in‌ ‌the‌ ‌area‌ ‌of‌ ‌relationships.‌ ‌The‌ ‌newcomer‌ ‌is‌ ‌often‌ ‌very‌ ‌needy‌ ‌and‌ ‌confused.‌ ‌Many‌‌
members‌ ‌of‌ ‌ACoA‌ ‌endorse‌ ‌the‌ ‌concept‌ ‌of‌ ‌focusing‌ ‌solely‌ ‌on‌ ‌yourself‌ ‌if‌ ‌you‌ ‌arrived‌ ‌at‌ ‌ACoA‌‌
unattached.‌ ‌The‌ ‌operating‌ ‌principle‌ ‌for‌ ‌this‌ ‌suggestion‌ ‌is‌ ‌that‌ ‌there‌ ‌has‌ ‌got‌ ‌to‌ ‌be‌ ‌a‌ ‌solid‌ ‌me‌‌
before‌ ‌there‌ ‌can‌ ‌be‌ ‌an‌ ‌us.‌ ‌Common‌ ‌sense‌ ‌points‌ ‌to‌ ‌waiting‌ ‌until‌ ‌you‌ ‌are‌ ‌more‌ ‌secure‌ ‌in‌ ‌the‌‌
knowledge‌ ‌of‌ ‌who‌ ‌you‌ ‌are.‌ ‌It's‌ ‌best‌ ‌to‌ ‌view‌ ‌group‌ ‌activity‌ ‌as‌ ‌an‌ ‌opportunity‌ ‌for‌ ‌awareness‌ ‌and‌‌
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growth‌‌rather‌‌than‌‌romance.‌‌And,‌‌since‌‌the‌‌group‌‌can‌‌take‌‌on‌‌the‌‌characteristics‌‌of‌‌the‌‌family‌‌of‌‌
origin,‌ ‌ill-conceived‌ ‌romantic‌ ‌endeavours‌ ‌with‌ ‌other‌ ‌group‌ ‌members‌ ‌can‌ ‌tear‌ ‌apart‌ ‌the‌ ‌new‌‌
healthy‌‌family‌‌concept.‌ ‌

In‌‌a‌‌new‌‌romantic‌‌involvement,‌‌it‌‌is‌‌most‌‌common‌‌for‌‌ACoA’s‌‌to‌‌act‌‌out‌‌the‌‌old‌‌dramas‌‌of‌‌
earlier‌ ‌attachments.‌ ‌ACoA‌ ‌newcomers‌ ‌need‌ ‌time‌ ‌to‌ ‌see‌ ‌the‌ ‌nature‌ ‌and‌ ‌complexity‌ ‌of‌ ‌their‌‌
relationship‌ ‌issues.‌ ‌Involvement‌ ‌in‌ ‌a‌ ‌romance‌ ‌with‌ ‌another‌ ‌ACoA,‌‌especially‌‌another‌‌newcomer‌‌
can‌ ‌only‌ ‌serve‌ ‌to‌ ‌short-circuit‌ ‌recovery‌ ‌and‌ ‌possibly‌ ‌drive‌ ‌the‌ ‌newcomer‌ ‌away‌ ‌from‌ ‌the‌‌
programme.‌ ‌The‌ ‌focus‌ ‌needs‌ ‌to‌ ‌be‌ ‌on‌ ‌personal‌ ‌recovery‌ ‌not‌ ‌on‌ ‌a‌ ‌romantic‌ ‌conquest.‌‌
Unfortunately,‌ ‌many‌ ‌ACoA’s‌ ‌are‌ ‌just‌ ‌awakening‌ ‌to‌ ‌incest‌ ‌issues‌ ‌and‌ ‌trying‌ ‌to‌ ‌resolve‌ ‌them.‌ ‌In‌‌
their‌‌efforts‌‌to‌‌grow‌‌and‌‌recreate‌‌their‌‌early‌‌family,‌‌physical‌‌attachments‌‌and‌‌involvements‌‌can‌‌be‌‌
very‌‌damaging.‌‌The‌‌best‌‌suggestion‌‌I‌‌can‌‌give‌‌is‌‌to‌‌take‌‌it‌‌easy‌‌and‌‌remember‌‌that‌‌recovery‌‌needs‌‌
to‌‌come‌‌first.‌ ‌

Fixing‌‌Others‌‌ ‌

I'm‌ ‌never‌ ‌sure‌ ‌where‌ ‌the‌ ‌boundary‌ ‌between‌ ‌sharing‌ ‌and‌ ‌rescuing‌ ‌is‌ ‌located.‌ ‌For‌ ‌some‌‌
members‌‌of‌‌ACoA,‌‌giving‌‌advice‌‌and‌‌fixing‌‌others‌‌is‌‌as‌‌natural‌‌as‌‌breathing.‌‌As‌‌young‌‌children‌‌in‌‌
an‌ ‌alcoholic‌ ‌household,‌ ‌their‌ ‌assigned‌ ‌role‌ ‌was‌ ‌one‌ ‌of‌ ‌rescuer,‌ ‌fixer‌ ‌and‌ ‌hero.‌ ‌The‌ ‌actions‌ ‌of‌ ‌a‌‌
fixer‌ ‌generally‌ ‌go‌ ‌far‌ ‌beyond‌ ‌general‌ ‌support‌ ‌and‌ ‌sharing.‌ ‌Fixers‌ ‌attach‌ ‌themselves‌ ‌to‌ ‌other‌‌
members‌‌and‌‌often‌‌attempt‌‌to‌‌run‌‌their‌‌lives,‌‌professing‌‌to‌‌have‌‌most‌‌of‌‌the‌‌answers‌‌to‌‌whatever‌‌
problems‌‌the‌‌“victim”‌‌is‌‌facing.‌ ‌

Fixing‌‌others‌‌gives‌‌stature,‌‌importance‌‌and‌‌control‌‌to‌‌an‌‌individual‌‌-‌‌three‌‌good‌‌reasons‌‌to‌‌
engage‌‌in‌‌it.‌‌A‌‌somewhat‌‌less‌‌intrusive‌‌form‌‌of‌‌fixing‌‌is‌‌chronic‌‌advice‌‌giving.‌‌Most‌‌meetings‌‌have‌‌
one‌‌or‌‌two‌‌"senior‌‌advisers"‌‌who‌‌feel‌‌it‌‌is‌‌their‌‌mission‌‌to‌‌dispense‌‌advice‌‌-‌‌not‌‌share‌‌experiences‌‌
in‌‌a‌‌give-and-take‌‌manner‌‌-‌‌to‌‌the‌‌more‌‌confused,‌‌suffering‌‌members‌‌of‌‌the‌‌group.‌‌I‌‌think‌‌we‌‌can‌‌
draw‌ ‌a‌ ‌distinction‌ ‌between‌ ‌fixing,‌ ‌advising‌ ‌and‌ ‌sharing.‌ ‌The‌ ‌first‌ ‌two‌ ‌are‌ ‌intrusive‌ ‌and‌ ‌involve‌
giving‌‌up‌‌one's‌‌centre.‌ ‌

Sharing‌ ‌is‌ ‌a‌ ‌different‌ ‌mechanism.‌ ‌Ideally,‌ ‌sharing‌ ‌involves‌ ‌relating‌ ‌one's‌ ‌experiences,‌‌
perhaps‌‌how‌‌a‌‌person‌‌handled‌‌a‌‌particularly‌‌troubling‌‌issue.‌‌It‌‌is‌‌done‌‌in‌‌a‌‌passive,‌‌non-directive‌‌
manner:‌ ‌"If‌ ‌you‌ ‌can‌ ‌benefit‌ ‌from‌ ‌my‌ ‌experiences,‌ ‌please‌ ‌do.‌ ‌If‌ ‌not,‌ ‌that's‌ ‌okay."‌ ‌Fixing‌ ‌and‌‌
advising‌ ‌can‌ ‌seriously‌ ‌interfere‌ ‌with‌ ‌recovery‌ ‌of‌ ‌both‌ ‌the‌ ‌fixer‌ ‌and‌ ‌the‌ ‌person‌ ‌being‌ ‌fixed.‌ ‌The‌‌

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fixer‌ ‌is‌ ‌often‌ ‌acting‌ ‌out‌ ‌of‌‌a‌‌need‌‌to‌‌stay‌‌away‌‌from‌‌his‌‌or‌‌her‌‌problems,‌‌helping‌‌others‌‌is‌‌a‌‌sure‌‌
way‌ ‌to‌ ‌avoid‌ ‌personal‌ ‌issues.‌‌Fixing‌‌also‌‌has‌‌a‌‌component‌‌of‌‌control‌‌to‌‌it,‌‌an‌‌issue‌‌many‌‌ACoA’s‌‌
are‌‌trying‌‌to‌‌resolve.‌‌It's‌‌commendable‌‌to‌‌want‌‌to‌‌steer‌‌others‌‌through‌‌tough‌‌times‌‌that‌‌you‌‌have‌‌
experienced‌‌and‌‌resolved.‌‌But‌‌if‌‌it‌‌interferes‌‌with‌‌your‌‌own‌‌growth‌‌(and‌‌it‌‌usually‌‌does)‌‌or‌‌that‌‌of‌‌
the‌‌newcomer,‌‌it's‌‌best‌‌to‌‌step‌‌aside.‌ ‌

We‌ ‌are‌ ‌in‌ ‌ACoA‌ ‌to‌ ‌fix‌ ‌ourselves,‌ ‌not‌ ‌others.‌ ‌In‌ ‌those‌ ‌situations‌ ‌where‌ ‌a‌ ‌formal‌‌
sponsor-sponsee‌‌relationship‌‌is‌‌in‌‌place,‌‌both‌‌parties‌‌agree‌‌that‌‌mutual‌‌sharing‌‌and‌‌exploration‌‌of‌‌
problems‌‌will‌‌characterize‌‌the‌‌relationship.‌‌In‌‌this‌‌arrangement‌‌guidance‌‌is‌‌best‌‌given‌‌when‌‌it‌‌is‌‌
open‌‌to‌‌change‌‌or‌‌reversal.‌‌The‌‌demanding,‌‌overbearing,‌‌controlling‌‌sponsor‌‌can‌‌do‌‌the‌‌sponsee‌‌a‌‌
real‌‌disservice.‌ ‌

Unfortunately,‌ ‌some‌ ‌newcomers‌ ‌are‌ ‌drawn‌ ‌to‌ ‌strong,‌‌directive‌‌personalities‌‌because‌‌that's‌‌

the‌ ‌kind‌ ‌of‌ ‌individual‌ ‌who‌ ‌ran‌ ‌their‌ ‌childhood‌‌home.‌‌Early‌‌ACoA‌‌linkages‌‌are‌‌often‌‌based‌‌upon‌‌
old‌ ‌family‌ ‌dynamics.‌ ‌This‌ ‌recreation‌ ‌of‌ ‌early‌ ‌family‌ ‌roles‌ ‌in‌ ‌ACoA‌ ‌is‌ ‌inevitable‌ ‌but‌ ‌sometimes‌‌
troubling.‌ ‌In‌ ‌my‌ ‌alcoholic‌ ‌household‌ ‌I‌ ‌was‌ ‌always‌ ‌preoccupied‌ ‌with‌ ‌the‌ ‌feelings‌ ‌of‌ ‌my‌ ‌parents.‌‌
When‌‌they‌‌felt‌‌gloomy,‌‌I‌‌felt‌‌gloomy.‌‌I‌‌wanted‌‌people‌‌close‌‌to‌‌me‌‌to‌‌feel‌‌good‌‌so‌‌I‌‌could‌‌feel‌‌good.‌‌
In‌ ‌ACoA‌ ‌I‌ ‌had‌ ‌to‌ ‌learn‌ ‌to‌ ‌let‌ ‌others‌ ‌feel‌ ‌troubled,‌ ‌depressed,‌ ‌miserable,‌ ‌lost‌ ‌or‌ ‌fearful‌ ‌without‌‌
rushing‌ ‌over‌ ‌and‌ ‌trying‌ ‌to‌ ‌fix‌ ‌them.‌ ‌I‌ ‌learned‌ ‌to‌ ‌detach‌ ‌and‌ ‌not‌ ‌pick‌ ‌up‌ ‌and‌ ‌carry‌ ‌another's‌‌
burden.‌‌Trying‌‌to‌‌fix‌‌others‌‌is‌‌a‌‌selfish,‌‌time-consuming‌‌way‌‌of‌‌continuing‌‌to‌‌feed‌‌my‌‌illness.‌ ‌

Denial‌‌and‌‌Blame‌ ‌

It's‌‌still‌‌very‌‌easy‌‌for‌‌me‌‌to‌‌be‌‌blind‌‌to‌‌the‌‌essence‌‌of‌‌some‌‌of‌‌my‌‌actions.‌‌There‌‌are‌‌issues‌‌in‌‌
my‌ ‌life‌ ‌that‌ ‌don't‌ ‌yield‌ ‌easily‌ ‌to‌ ‌clarity.‌ ‌I‌ ‌literally‌ ‌can't‌ ‌see‌ ‌the‌ ‌forest‌ ‌for‌ ‌the‌ ‌trees.‌ ‌Sometimes‌‌I‌‌
finally‌ ‌reach‌ ‌discovery‌ ‌and‌ ‌understanding‌ ‌on‌ ‌my‌ ‌own.‌ ‌More‌ ‌often,‌ ‌however,‌ ‌the‌ ‌insight‌ ‌and‌‌
inspiration‌ ‌come‌ ‌from‌ ‌someone‌ ‌sharing‌ ‌at‌ ‌a‌ ‌meeting,‌ ‌or‌ ‌my‌ ‌observation‌ ‌of‌ ‌another‌ ‌member's‌‌
blindness.‌ ‌This‌ ‌is‌ ‌why‌ ‌meetings‌ ‌and‌ ‌friendships‌ ‌in‌ ‌ACoA‌ ‌can‌ ‌be‌ ‌so‌ ‌meaningful.‌ ‌Where‌ ‌I‌ ‌have‌‌
been‌‌absolutely‌‌blind‌‌to‌‌a‌‌destructive‌‌trait‌‌for‌‌many‌‌years‌‌-‌‌let's‌‌say‌‌arrogance,‌‌a‌‌controlling‌‌nature‌‌
or‌ ‌vicious‌ ‌gossiping‌ ‌-‌‌it's‌‌not‌‌very‌‌likely‌‌that‌‌I‌‌will‌‌quickly‌‌single‌‌it‌‌out‌‌and‌‌resolve‌‌it‌‌in‌‌ACoA.‌‌I‌‌
may‌ ‌have‌ ‌to‌ ‌see‌ ‌it‌ ‌in‌ ‌others‌ ‌or‌ ‌feel‌ ‌the‌ ‌resistance‌ ‌of‌ ‌others‌ ‌to‌ ‌my‌ ‌negative‌ ‌actions.‌ ‌Even‌ ‌more‌‌
helpful‌ ‌is‌ ‌a‌ ‌loving‌ ‌sponsor‌ ‌who‌ ‌gently‌ ‌points‌ ‌to‌ ‌some‌ ‌of‌ ‌my‌ ‌blind‌ ‌spots‌ ‌and‌ ‌eases‌ ‌me‌ ‌into‌ ‌a‌‌
recognition‌ ‌of‌ ‌how‌ ‌I‌ ‌have‌ ‌been‌‌hurting‌‌myself.‌‌Denial‌‌is‌‌the‌‌mind's‌‌way‌‌of‌‌defending‌‌itself‌‌from‌‌

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fear,‌‌feelings‌‌of‌‌inadequacy‌‌and‌‌a‌‌whole‌‌legion‌‌of‌‌hurts.‌‌Left‌‌alone,‌‌denial‌‌can‌‌make‌‌a‌‌real‌‌mess‌‌of‌
recovery.‌ ‌A‌ ‌willingness‌ ‌to‌ ‌examine‌‌one's‌‌actions,‌‌to‌‌be‌‌open‌‌to‌‌feedback‌‌from‌‌others‌‌and‌‌to‌‌seek‌‌
the‌ ‌aid‌ ‌of‌ ‌a‌ ‌sponsor‌ ‌or‌ ‌close‌ ‌friend‌ ‌in‌ ‌ACoA‌ ‌can‌ ‌shorten‌ ‌the‌ ‌distance‌ ‌between‌ ‌blindness‌ ‌and‌‌
discovery.‌ ‌

Blaming‌ ‌others‌ ‌is‌ ‌a‌ ‌natural‌ ‌way‌ ‌to‌ ‌shift‌ ‌attention‌ ‌away‌ ‌from‌ ‌the‌ ‌responsibility‌‌to‌‌recover.‌‌
For‌ ‌example,‌ ‌if‌ ‌I‌ ‌spend‌ ‌all‌ ‌my‌ ‌emotional‌ ‌energy‌ ‌blaming‌ ‌my‌ ‌parents‌ ‌for‌ ‌the‌ ‌issues‌ ‌that‌ ‌are‌‌
repeatedly‌‌troubling‌‌me,‌‌I‌‌stay‌‌blind‌‌to‌‌the‌‌need‌‌to‌‌engage‌‌in‌‌my‌‌own‌‌recovery.‌‌Blame‌‌is‌‌corrosive;‌‌
it‌‌blinds‌‌and‌‌enables‌‌one‌‌to‌‌remain‌‌free‌‌from‌‌responsible‌‌actions.‌‌Yes,‌‌it's‌‌true‌‌our‌‌parents‌‌taught‌‌
us‌‌miserably,‌‌if‌‌they‌‌taught‌‌us‌‌at‌‌all.‌‌But‌‌recovery‌‌will‌‌come‌‌when‌‌we‌‌admit‌‌to‌‌ourselves‌‌and‌‌others‌‌
how‌‌enraged,‌‌hurt‌‌and‌‌helpless‌‌we‌‌have‌‌always‌‌felt‌‌about‌‌them.‌‌Then‌‌we‌‌can‌‌experience‌‌it‌‌all‌‌and‌‌
move‌‌on‌‌to‌‌positive‌‌change.‌ ‌

Additional‌‌Reading:‌‌Big‌‌Red‌‌Book‌‌–The‌‌Importance‌‌of‌‌Service‌‌in‌‌ACA‌ ‌[Chapter‌‌10,‌‌page‌‌353]‌ ‌

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Step‌‌12‌
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We‌‌have‌‌a‌‌spiritual‌‌awakening‌‌as‌‌a‌‌result‌‌of‌‌taking‌‌these‌‌steps,‌‌and‌‌we‌‌continue‌‌
to‌‌love‌‌ourselves‌‌and‌‌to‌‌practice‌‌these‌‌principles‌‌in‌‌all‌‌our‌‌affairs.‌‌ ‌

Self-love‌‌and‌‌self-acceptance‌‌inevitably‌‌lead‌‌us‌‌to‌‌feel‌‌connected‌‌with‌‌the‌‌larger‌‌universe.‌‌When‌‌we‌‌
were‌ ‌victims‌ ‌in‌ ‌an‌ ‌alcoholic/dysfunctional‌ ‌household‌ ‌we‌ ‌lost‌ ‌our‌ ‌authentic‌ ‌self‌ ‌to‌ ‌the‌ ‌demands‌ ‌of‌ ‌the‌‌
disease.‌‌Throughout‌‌our‌‌adult‌‌lives‌‌especially‌‌in‌‌ACoA‌‌we‌‌have‌‌been‌‌attempting‌‌to‌‌recover‌‌and‌‌cherish‌‌our‌‌
authentic,‌ ‌spontaneous‌ ‌self.‌ ‌Through‌ ‌working‌ ‌these‌ ‌steps‌ ‌to‌ ‌the‌ ‌best‌ ‌of‌ ‌our‌ ‌ability‌ ‌and‌ ‌developing‌ ‌a‌‌
relationship‌ ‌with‌ ‌our‌ ‌Higher‌ ‌Power,‌ ‌we‌ ‌can‌ ‌gain‌ ‌a‌ ‌wonderful‌ ‌new‌‌awareness‌‌and‌‌an‌‌opportunity‌‌to‌‌truly‌‌
change,‌ ‌we‌ ‌can‌ ‌find‌ ‌a‌ ‌happiness‌‌and‌‌contentment‌‌beyond‌‌anything‌‌we‌‌could‌‌imagine,‌‌this‌‌does‌‌not‌‌mean‌‌
that‌‌our‌‌lives‌‌will‌‌always‌‌be‌‌trouble‌‌free‌‌only‌‌that‌‌we‌‌can‌‌readily‌‌and‌‌constantly‌‌deal‌‌with‌‌life's‌‌problems.‌ ‌

There‌ ‌is‌ ‌a‌ ‌solution‌ ‌beyond‌ ‌ourselves,‌‌by‌‌working‌‌the‌‌ACoA‌‌programme‌‌daily‌‌and‌‌admitting‌‌we‌‌are‌‌

powerless‌ ‌over‌ ‌the‌ ‌effects‌ ‌of‌ ‌living‌ ‌with‌ ‌alcoholism‌ ‌or‌ ‌dysfunction‌ ‌we‌ ‌could‌ ‌learn‌ ‌to‌ ‌love‌ ‌ourselves,‌ ‌and‌‌
when‌ ‌we‌ ‌do‌ ‌we‌ ‌are‌ ‌free‌ ‌to‌ ‌love‌ ‌others‌ ‌in‌ ‌a‌ ‌new‌ ‌and‌ ‌healthy‌ ‌way‌ ‌by‌ ‌sharing‌ ‌with‌ ‌each‌ ‌other‌ ‌we‌ ‌act‌‌as‌‌a‌‌
mirror‌ ‌reflecting‌‌our‌‌new‌‌growth‌‌and‌‌love,‌‌by‌‌using‌‌this‌‌programme‌‌in‌‌all‌‌our‌‌affairs‌‌we‌‌can‌‌dispel‌‌the‌‌old‌‌
destructive‌ ‌personality‌ ‌that‌ ‌so‌ ‌crippled‌ ‌our‌ ‌enjoyment‌ ‌of‌ ‌life‌ ‌through‌ ‌a‌ ‌long‌ ‌debilitating‌ ‌life‌ ‌we‌‌can‌‌now‌‌
embrace‌‌it.‌‌It‌‌is‌‌my‌‌personal‌‌belief‌‌that‌‌I’m‌‌here‌‌basically‌‌by‌‌the‌‌grace‌‌of‌‌my‌‌Higher‌‌Power‌‌this‌‌morning‌‌to‌‌
present‌‌twelve‌‌steps‌‌for‌‌victims,‌‌rather‌‌than‌‌perpetrators.‌ ‌

It‌ ‌does‌ ‌not‌ ‌mean‌ ‌that‌ ‌if‌ ‌I’m‌ ‌new‌ ‌to‌ ‌ACoA‌ ‌that‌ ‌after‌ ‌having‌ ‌done‌ ‌these‌ ‌steps‌ ‌and‌ ‌worked‌ ‌this‌‌
programme‌ ‌that‌ ‌it‌ ‌might‌ ‌not‌ ‌be‌ ‌a‌ ‌very‌ ‌positive‌ ‌act‌ ‌on‌ ‌my‌ ‌part‌ ‌to‌ ‌look‌ ‌at‌ ‌the‌ ‌12‌ ‌steps‌ ‌of‌ ‌AA,‌ ‌CODA‌ ‌or‌‌
Al-Anon‌ ‌and‌ ‌make‌ ‌amends‌ ‌to‌ ‌people‌ ‌I‌ ‌have‌ ‌harmed,‌ ‌but‌ ‌as‌ ‌children,‌ ‌that’s‌ ‌what‌ ‌we‌ ‌are‌ ‌working‌ ‌on‌ ‌as‌‌
children,‌ ‌what‌ ‌I‌ ‌need‌ ‌to‌ ‌do‌ ‌is‌ ‌to‌ ‌put‌ ‌the‌ ‌focus‌ ‌on‌ ‌learning‌ ‌how‌ ‌to‌ ‌love‌ ‌me‌ ‌and‌ ‌not‌ ‌to‌ ‌blame‌ ‌and‌ ‌shame‌‌
myself.‌ ‌

Fear‌‌is‌‌what‌‌I‌‌am,‌‌I’m‌‌a‌‌fear-based‌‌person,‌‌ACoA‌‌is‌‌what‌‌I‌‌am,‌‌and‌‌codependency‌‌is‌‌what‌‌I‌‌do,‌‌and‌‌
I‌‌feel‌‌my‌‌job‌‌basically‌‌is‌‌to‌‌help‌‌people‌‌learn‌‌about‌‌their‌‌personality‌‌profile.‌‌A‌‌very‌‌wise‌‌man‌‌I‌‌think‌‌in‌‌400‌‌
BC‌‌said‌‌“the‌‌way‌‌to‌‌do,‌‌was‌‌to‌‌be‌‌''‌‌and‌‌what‌‌I‌‌believe‌‌the‌‌ACoA‌‌Programme‌‌and‌‌these‌‌steps‌‌will‌‌do‌‌is‌‌to‌‌
help‌‌us‌‌learn‌‌how‌‌to‌‌be,‌‌along‌‌with‌‌the‌‌laundry‌‌list.‌‌In‌‌AA‌‌I‌‌was‌‌told‌‌that‌‌I‌‌had‌‌to‌‌do‌‌it‌‌before‌‌I‌‌could‌‌be,‌‌I‌‌
had‌ ‌to‌‌change‌‌my‌‌behaviour‌‌in‌‌order‌‌to‌‌become‌‌something‌‌different.‌‌The‌‌ACoA‌‌movement‌‌is‌‌teaching‌‌me‌‌

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that‌‌I‌‌have‌‌to‌‌learn‌‌what‌‌I‌‌am,‌‌in‌‌other‌‌words‌‌I‌‌have‌‌to‌‌be‌‌before‌‌I‌‌can‌‌do.‌‌I‌‌hope‌‌this‌‌has‌‌been‌‌of‌‌some‌‌help‌‌
to‌‌you‌‌all.‌ ‌

(A.)‌ ‌

1.‌‌How‌‌have‌‌I‌‌awoken‌‌spiritually?‌ ‌

2.‌‌Do‌‌I‌‌believe‌‌the‌‌spiritual‌‌awakening(s)‌‌have‌‌been‌‌a‌‌result‌‌of‌‌working‌‌the‌‌steps?‌ ‌

3.‌‌Give‌‌an‌‌example‌‌of‌‌how‌‌I‌‌love‌‌myself?‌ ‌

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4.‌‌Give‌‌an‌‌example‌‌of‌‌how‌‌I‌‌practise‌‌these‌‌principles‌‌in‌‌my‌‌daily‌‌life?‌ ‌

The‌‌Spiritual‌‌Principles‌‌behind‌‌the‌‌12‌‌Steps‌‌from‌‌the‌‌Big‌‌Red‌‌Book:‌ ‌

Step‌‌1.‌‌Powerlessness‌‌and‌‌Surrender‌ ‌

Step‌‌2.‌‌Open-mindedness‌‌and‌‌Clarity‌ ‌

Step‌‌3.‌‌Willingness‌‌and‌‌Accepting‌‌Help‌ ‌

Step‌‌4.‌‌Self-honesty‌‌and‌‌Courage‌ ‌

Step‌‌5.‌‌Honesty‌‌and‌‌Trust‌ ‌

Step‌‌6.‌‌Willingness‌ ‌

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Step‌‌7.‌‌Humility‌ ‌

Step‌‌8.‌‌Willingness‌‌and‌‌Self-forgiveness‌ ‌

Step‌ ‌9.‌‌Forgiveness‌‌and‌‌Courage‌ ‌

Step‌‌10.‌‌Honesty‌‌and‌‌Discernment‌ ‌

Step‌‌11.‌‌Seeking‌‌and‌‌Listening‌ ‌

Step‌‌12.‌‌Love‌‌and‌‌Self-love‌ ‌

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Reading‌‌14‌‌-‌‌Resistance‌‌and‌‌Setbacks‌‌to‌‌Recovery‌
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Recovery‌‌is‌‌a‌‌lifelong‌‌process.‌‌It‌‌cannot‌‌be‌‌accomplished‌‌overnight‌‌or‌‌by‌‌attendance‌‌at‌‌just‌‌
a‌‌few‌‌meetings.‌‌I‌‌know,‌‌because‌‌as‌‌long‌‌and‌‌hard‌‌as‌‌I've‌‌been‌‌working‌‌on‌‌it,‌‌I‌‌am‌‌not‌‌"recovered."‌‌
I‌‌experience‌‌recovery‌‌as‌‌an‌‌ongoing,‌‌upward‌‌spiral‌‌that‌‌provides‌‌greater‌‌depth‌‌of‌‌realization.‌‌So,‌‌if‌‌
you‌ ‌expect‌ ‌to‌ ‌accomplish‌ ‌recovery‌ ‌in‌ ‌a‌ ‌set‌ ‌amount‌ ‌of‌ ‌time,‌ ‌you‌ ‌may‌ ‌be‌ ‌sorely‌ ‌disappointed.‌ ‌It‌‌
requires‌ ‌a‌ ‌sustained‌ ‌effort‌ ‌to‌ ‌improve‌ ‌the‌ ‌quality‌ ‌of‌ ‌living‌ ‌and‌ ‌to‌ ‌build‌ ‌meaningful‌ ‌friendships‌‌
with‌ ‌other‌ ‌group‌ ‌members.‌ ‌How‌ ‌members‌ ‌function‌ ‌in‌ ‌the‌ ‌ACoA‌ ‌group‌ ‌environment‌ ‌is‌ ‌a‌ ‌pretty‌‌
clear‌‌representation‌‌of‌‌how‌‌they‌‌function‌‌in‌‌other‌‌areas‌‌of‌‌their‌‌life.‌‌It's‌‌difficult‌‌to‌‌be‌‌one‌‌kind‌‌of‌‌
personality‌ ‌in‌ ‌ACoA‌ ‌and‌ ‌a‌ ‌distinctly‌ ‌different‌ ‌individual‌ ‌in‌ ‌other‌ ‌settings.‌ ‌When‌ ‌an‌ ‌ACoA‌‌
member‌ ‌is‌ ‌experiencing‌ ‌a‌ ‌great‌ ‌deal‌ ‌of‌ ‌resistance‌‌to‌‌recovery,‌‌it‌‌will‌‌probably‌‌show‌‌up‌‌in‌‌one‌‌or‌‌
more‌ ‌of‌ ‌the‌ ‌following‌ ‌behaviour‌ ‌patterns,‌ ‌most‌ ‌of‌ ‌which‌ ‌lead‌ ‌to‌ ‌a‌ ‌decrease‌ ‌in‌ ‌spontaneity‌ ‌and‌‌
increased‌ ‌difficulty‌ ‌in‌ ‌trusting,‌ ‌sharing‌ ‌and‌ ‌feeling.‌ ‌All‌ ‌are‌‌pronounced‌‌signals‌‌of‌‌resistance‌‌and‌‌
withdrawal.‌ ‌

Trying‌‌to‌‌do‌‌It‌‌Alone‌‌ ‌

Often‌ ‌a‌ ‌newcomer‌ ‌will‌ ‌attend‌ ‌a‌ ‌few‌ ‌meetings,‌ ‌gather‌ ‌some‌ ‌information,‌ ‌make‌ ‌a‌ ‌rough‌‌
assessment‌‌of‌‌the‌‌potential‌‌contribution‌‌of‌‌ACoA‌‌and‌‌then‌‌decide‌‌to‌‌work‌‌on‌‌his‌‌or‌‌her‌‌problems.‌‌
It‌ ‌pains‌ ‌me‌ ‌when‌ ‌members‌ ‌of‌ ‌ACoA‌ ‌describe‌ ‌how‌ ‌their‌ ‌first‌ ‌approach‌ ‌to‌ ‌recovery‌ ‌was‌‌
side-tracked‌ ‌by‌ ‌a‌ ‌decision‌ ‌to‌ ‌go‌ ‌one‌ ‌alone.‌ ‌An‌ ‌individual‌ ‌comes‌ ‌through‌ ‌the‌ ‌doors‌ ‌of‌ ‌ACoA;‌‌
readily‌ ‌identifies‌ ‌with‌ ‌eight‌‌or‌‌nine‌‌issues‌‌in‌‌the‌‌Laundry‌‌List;‌‌completely‌‌relates‌‌to‌‌much‌‌of‌‌the‌‌
sharing‌‌by‌‌members‌‌and‌‌then‌‌decides‌‌to‌‌try‌‌the‌‌"home-study"‌‌method‌‌of‌‌recovery.‌‌Such‌‌activity‌‌is‌‌
self-defeating.‌ ‌

It's‌ ‌a‌ ‌tragic‌ ‌mistake‌ ‌for‌ ‌newcomers‌ ‌to‌ ‌turn‌ ‌their‌ ‌back‌ ‌on‌ ‌any‌ ‌recovery‌ ‌programme‌ ‌that‌‌
speaks‌ ‌directly‌ ‌to‌ ‌so‌ ‌many‌ ‌personal‌‌problems.‌‌And‌‌yet‌‌this‌‌happens‌‌every‌‌day‌‌all‌‌over‌‌the‌‌world.‌‌
The‌ ‌"I‌ ‌can‌ ‌do‌‌it‌‌myself"‌‌approach,‌‌which‌‌was‌‌probably‌‌an‌‌early‌‌survival‌‌mode,‌‌shuts‌‌off‌‌so‌‌many‌‌
people‌‌from‌‌a‌‌healthy‌‌new‌‌way‌‌of‌‌living.‌‌Like‌‌most‌‌ACoA’s,‌‌I‌‌need‌‌human‌‌beings‌‌in‌‌my‌‌life‌‌to‌‌help‌‌
me‌‌recover.‌‌I‌‌had‌‌to‌‌surrender‌‌my‌‌isolated‌‌pose‌‌of‌‌self-reliance.‌‌I‌‌needed‌‌to‌‌share,‌‌to‌‌trust‌‌others,‌‌
to‌‌identify‌‌and‌‌to‌‌feel.‌‌I‌‌learned‌‌about‌‌my‌‌disease‌‌through‌‌others‌‌and‌‌in‌‌partnership‌‌with‌‌them.‌‌I‌
cannot‌‌recover‌‌alone,‌‌and‌‌I‌‌don't‌‌know‌‌many‌‌people‌‌who‌‌can.‌‌Trying‌‌to‌‌change‌‌in‌‌isolation‌‌is‌‌far‌‌
too‌‌limiting.‌‌Life‌‌is‌‌all‌‌about‌‌relationships.‌‌And‌‌if‌‌I'm‌‌having‌‌problems‌‌with‌‌relationships‌‌-‌‌and‌‌I‌‌
‌
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think‌ ‌most‌ ‌ACoA’s‌ ‌do‌ ‌-‌ ‌then‌ ‌I‌ ‌have‌ ‌to‌ ‌work‌ ‌them‌ ‌through‌ ‌by‌ ‌learning‌ ‌about‌ ‌my‌ ‌actions,‌ ‌my‌‌
contributions‌‌to‌‌the‌‌problems.‌‌I‌‌can‌‌only‌‌do‌‌this‌‌with‌‌the‌‌feedback‌‌and‌‌insight‌‌provided‌‌by‌‌other‌‌
people,‌‌and‌‌readily‌‌available‌‌to‌‌me‌‌in‌‌the‌‌ACoA‌‌recovery‌‌programme.‌ ‌

A‌‌Sometime‌‌Thing‌ ‌

Those‌‌in‌‌AA‌‌often‌‌quote‌‌the‌‌wonderful‌‌phrase‌‌"Half-measures‌‌availed‌‌us‌‌nothing."‌‌It‌‌aptly‌‌
refers‌ ‌to‌ ‌the‌ ‌degree‌‌of‌‌willingness‌‌and‌‌commitment‌‌of‌‌the‌‌individual‌‌seeking‌‌recovery.‌‌Too‌‌often‌‌
the‌ ‌newcomer‌ ‌makes‌ ‌the‌ ‌judgment‌ ‌that‌ ‌he‌ ‌or‌ ‌she‌ ‌can‌ ‌"audit"‌ ‌the‌ ‌course-just‌ ‌sit‌ ‌in‌ ‌for‌ ‌a‌ ‌quick‌‌
refresher.‌‌Believe‌‌me‌‌when‌‌I‌‌say‌‌that‌‌I‌‌wish‌‌ACoA‌‌could‌‌be‌‌used‌‌in‌‌such‌‌a‌‌progressive‌‌manner.‌‌In‌‌
reality,‌ ‌however,‌ ‌members‌ ‌grow‌ ‌and‌ ‌change‌ ‌and‌ ‌recover‌ ‌because‌ ‌they‌ ‌are‌ ‌ready‌ ‌and‌ ‌willing‌ ‌to‌‌
show‌ ‌up‌ ‌regularly‌ ‌and‌ ‌do‌ ‌the‌ ‌hard‌ ‌work.‌ ‌Sitting‌ ‌on‌ ‌the‌ ‌fence‌ ‌doesn't‌ ‌work.‌ ‌Such‌ ‌troublesome‌‌
issues‌‌as‌‌people-pleasing,‌‌fear‌‌of‌‌abandonment,‌‌over-responsibility‌‌and‌‌stuffing‌‌of‌‌feelings‌‌seldom‌‌
respond‌‌favourably‌‌to‌‌half‌‌measures.‌‌Once‌‌an‌‌individual‌‌has‌‌accepted‌‌the‌‌fact‌‌that‌‌they‌‌do,‌‌indeed,‌‌
have‌ ‌some‌ ‌real‌ ‌behaviour‌ ‌problems‌ ‌that‌ ‌can‌ ‌be‌ ‌attributed‌ ‌to‌ ‌an‌ ‌alcoholic‌ ‌upbringing,‌ ‌only‌ ‌a‌‌
committed‌ ‌and‌ ‌sustained‌ ‌effort‌ ‌can‌ ‌bring‌ ‌solid‌ ‌relief.‌ ‌Anything‌ ‌less‌ ‌is‌ ‌just‌ ‌a‌ ‌form‌ ‌of‌ ‌evasion.‌‌
Recovery‌ ‌takes‌ ‌time,‌ ‌effort‌ ‌and‌ ‌a‌ ‌willingness‌ ‌to‌ ‌learn‌‌about‌‌feelings,‌‌a‌‌desire‌‌to‌‌experience‌‌good‌‌
and‌ ‌bad‌ ‌feelings‌ ‌and‌ ‌a‌ ‌readiness‌ ‌to‌ ‌risk‌ ‌telling‌ ‌others.‌ ‌In‌ ‌ACoA‌ ‌we‌ ‌concentrate‌ ‌on‌ ‌feelings‌ ‌-‌‌
depressing‌ ‌ones,‌ ‌uncomfortable‌ ‌ones,‌ ‌frightening‌ ‌ones.‌ ‌We‌ ‌try‌ ‌to‌ ‌experience‌ ‌and‌ ‌re-experience‌‌
painful‌‌moments‌‌in‌‌a‌‌safe,‌‌supportive‌‌environment.‌‌A‌‌person‌‌who‌‌is‌‌just‌‌passing‌‌through‌‌probably‌‌
will‌ ‌not‌ ‌sit‌ ‌still‌ ‌or‌ ‌pay‌ ‌attention‌ ‌long‌ ‌enough‌ ‌to‌ ‌reap‌‌any‌‌substantial‌‌benefits‌‌from‌‌these‌‌efforts.‌‌
Haphazard‌ ‌attendance‌ ‌is‌‌one‌‌way‌‌to‌‌stay‌‌isolated‌‌and‌‌apart‌‌from‌‌the‌‌group.‌‌In‌‌all‌‌probability‌‌the‌‌
members‌ ‌of‌ ‌the‌ ‌group‌ ‌will‌ ‌adopt‌ ‌a‌ ‌casual,‌ ‌distant‌ ‌attitude‌ ‌toward‌ ‌the‌ ‌individual‌ ‌just‌ ‌as‌ ‌the‌‌
individual‌‌has‌‌with‌‌them.‌‌This‌‌is‌‌very‌‌self-defeating.‌ ‌

Wanting‌‌A‌‌Quick‌‌Fix‌‌ ‌

As‌‌children‌‌we‌‌saw‌‌our‌‌parents‌‌do‌‌many‌‌patch-up‌‌jobs‌‌to‌‌the‌‌family‌‌problems.‌‌And‌‌we‌‌were‌‌
probably‌ ‌served‌ ‌many‌ ‌quick-fix‌ ‌TV‌ ‌dinners‌ ‌and‌ ‌remedies‌‌for‌‌minor‌‌colds‌‌-‌‌overnight‌‌relief‌‌from‌‌
pain‌ ‌and‌ ‌suffering.‌ ‌It‌ ‌seemed‌ ‌to‌ ‌work‌ ‌well‌ ‌for‌ ‌a‌ ‌while,‌ ‌but‌ ‌eventually‌ ‌things‌ ‌broke‌ ‌down‌ ‌worse‌‌
than‌‌before.‌ ‌

The‌ ‌quick‌ ‌solution‌‌is‌‌seldom‌‌an‌‌enduring‌‌one.‌‌Nonetheless‌‌many‌‌ACoA’s‌‌still‌‌try‌‌to‌‌get‌‌by‌‌

with‌‌a‌‌series‌‌of‌‌magical‌‌fixes.‌‌I'm‌‌pretty‌‌much‌‌like‌‌everyone‌‌else,‌‌and‌‌I‌‌definitely‌‌hoped‌‌for‌‌a‌‌quick‌‌
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magical‌ ‌cure‌ ‌-‌ ‌a‌ ‌high-intensity‌ ‌resolution‌ ‌to‌ ‌all‌ ‌my‌‌problems.‌‌When‌‌I‌‌first‌‌began‌‌in‌‌ACoA‌‌I‌‌was‌‌
willing‌ ‌to‌ ‌put‌ ‌out‌ ‌some‌ ‌effort,‌ ‌but‌ ‌I‌ ‌wanted‌ ‌a‌ ‌fast‌ ‌response,‌ ‌quick‌ ‌recovery.‌ ‌In‌ ‌short,‌‌l‌‌had‌‌high‌‌
expectations.‌‌I‌‌was‌‌almost‌‌childlike‌‌in‌‌my‌‌expectations‌‌that‌‌our‌‌fledgling‌‌ACoA‌‌programme‌‌would‌‌
provide‌‌fast,‌‌fast‌‌relief‌‌for‌‌my‌‌symptoms!‌‌I‌‌gambled‌‌a‌‌lot‌‌as‌‌a‌‌young‌‌man.‌‌With‌‌gambling‌‌there's‌‌a‌‌
short‌‌time‌‌between‌‌the‌‌bet‌‌and‌‌the‌‌results,‌‌and‌‌I‌‌grew‌‌accustomed‌‌to‌‌fast‌‌results.‌‌As‌‌a‌‌stockbroker‌‌
I‌‌bought‌‌and‌‌sold‌‌stocks‌‌for‌‌myself‌‌and‌‌my‌‌clients.‌‌If‌‌I‌‌didn't‌‌immediately‌‌see‌‌favourable‌‌results,‌‌I‌‌
moved‌ ‌the‌ ‌investments‌ ‌elsewhere.‌ ‌I‌ ‌brought‌ ‌this‌ ‌same‌ ‌mentality‌ ‌with‌ ‌me‌ ‌to‌ ‌early‌ ‌ACoA.‌ ‌I‌ ‌was‌‌
hoping‌‌for‌‌the‌‌ultimate‌‌quick‌‌fix,‌‌a‌‌short‌‌trip‌‌from‌‌turmoil‌‌to‌‌emotional‌‌well-being.‌‌Well,‌‌it‌‌didn't‌‌
work‌‌for‌‌me‌‌and‌‌I‌‌seriously‌‌doubt‌‌that‌‌it‌‌can‌‌work‌‌for‌‌anyone‌‌else.‌‌Recovery‌‌turned‌‌out‌‌to‌‌be‌‌a‌‌lot‌‌
of‌ ‌hard‌ ‌work.‌ ‌My‌ ‌really‌ ‌deep-rooted‌ ‌issues‌ ‌did‌ ‌not‌ ‌readily‌ ‌yield‌ ‌to‌‌my‌‌new‌‌insights.‌‌It‌‌took‌‌new‌‌
behaviour‌‌and‌‌new‌‌attitudes‌‌to‌‌begin‌‌to‌‌heal‌‌them‌‌-neither‌‌of‌‌which‌‌I‌‌was‌‌able‌‌to‌‌acquire‌‌in‌‌a‌‌few‌‌
months.‌ ‌If‌ ‌my‌ ‌experience‌ ‌is‌‌at‌‌all‌‌representative,‌‌then‌‌I‌‌would‌‌suggest‌‌that‌‌newcomers‌‌gently‌‌let‌‌
go‌‌of‌‌any‌‌dreams‌‌of‌‌a‌‌quick‌‌fix‌‌and‌‌settle‌‌in‌‌for‌‌the‌‌real‌‌miracles.‌ ‌

Unwillingness‌‌to‌‌Share‌‌and‌‌Open‌‌Up‌‌ ‌

Just‌‌listening‌‌to‌‌others‌‌and‌‌reading‌‌the‌‌literature‌‌-‌‌trying‌‌to‌‌get‌‌well‌‌just‌‌through‌‌gathering‌‌
information‌ ‌-‌ ‌probably‌ ‌won't‌ ‌produce‌ ‌many‌ ‌positive‌ ‌results.‌ ‌An‌ ‌important‌ ‌element‌ ‌in‌ ‌ACoA‌‌
recovery‌ ‌is‌ ‌self-disclosure‌ ‌-‌ ‌a‌ ‌willingness‌ ‌to‌ ‌tell‌ ‌the‌ ‌group‌ ‌as‌ ‌a‌ ‌whole,‌ ‌and‌ ‌selected‌ ‌individuals,‌‌
what‌‌is‌‌really‌‌going‌‌on‌‌in‌‌one's‌‌life.‌‌I‌‌need‌‌to‌‌share‌‌my‌‌feelings‌‌about‌‌my‌‌problems.‌‌The‌‌reality‌‌is,‌‌I‌‌
have‌‌all‌‌these‌‌problems.‌‌It's‌‌a‌‌"feeling‌‌illness"‌‌that‌‌I'm‌‌grappling‌‌with‌‌and‌‌it‌‌can't‌‌be‌‌resolved‌‌with‌‌
knowledge‌ ‌alone.‌ ‌One‌ ‌of‌ ‌the‌ ‌most‌ ‌threatening‌ ‌aspects‌ ‌of‌ ‌the‌ ‌ACoA‌ ‌recovery‌ ‌programme‌ ‌is‌ ‌the‌‌
intense,‌ ‌revelatory‌ ‌level‌ ‌of‌ ‌sharing.‌ ‌Long-buried‌ ‌shame,‌ ‌confusion‌ ‌and‌ ‌rage‌ ‌surface‌ ‌and‌ ‌all‌ ‌the‌‌
pain‌ ‌and‌ ‌anguish‌ ‌that‌ ‌go‌ ‌with‌ ‌them‌ ‌are‌ ‌shared.‌ ‌Twelve-Step‌ ‌recovery‌ ‌programmes‌ ‌succeed‌‌
because‌ ‌the‌ ‌members‌ ‌are‌ ‌willing‌ ‌to‌ ‌open‌ ‌up‌ ‌to‌ ‌fellow‌ ‌members,‌ ‌become‌ ‌human‌‌and‌‌vulnerable.‌‌
All‌ ‌of‌ ‌this‌ ‌is‌ ‌doubly‌ ‌necessary‌ ‌in‌ ‌ACoA‌ ‌because‌ ‌it‌ ‌is‌ ‌such‌ ‌a‌ ‌devastating‌ ‌and‌ ‌all-encompassing‌‌
feeling‌ ‌disease.‌ ‌Newcomers‌ ‌in‌ ‌ACoA‌ ‌soon‌ ‌see‌ ‌the‌ ‌value‌ ‌and‌ ‌merit‌ ‌of‌ ‌sharing.‌ ‌It‌ ‌is‌ ‌a‌ ‌release;‌ ‌a‌‌
relief‌‌and‌‌it‌‌signifies‌‌a‌‌willingness‌‌to‌‌let‌‌go‌‌and‌‌feel‌‌the‌‌feelings.‌‌Unfortunately,‌‌some‌‌members‌‌are‌‌
so‌ ‌rigid‌ ‌and‌ ‌intimidated‌ ‌by‌ ‌the‌ ‌meetings‌ ‌and‌ ‌the‌ ‌recovery‌ ‌process‌ ‌that‌ ‌they‌ ‌remain‌ ‌silent‌ ‌and‌‌
withdrawn.‌‌True,‌‌some‌‌meetings‌‌can‌‌be‌‌intense‌‌and‌‌on‌‌occasion‌‌full‌‌of‌‌anger.‌‌But‌‌there‌‌is‌‌no‌‌way‌‌
that‌‌a‌‌member‌‌can‌‌benefit‌‌from‌‌a‌‌sphinx-like‌‌demeanour.‌‌There‌‌may‌‌be‌‌great‌‌silent‌‌heroes‌‌in‌‌the‌‌
movies;‌ ‌but‌ ‌in‌ ‌ACoA‌ ‌those‌ ‌who‌ ‌cloak‌ ‌themselves‌ ‌in‌ ‌silence,‌ ‌seriously‌ ‌limit‌ ‌their‌ ‌recovery‌‌

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prospects.‌ ‌Self-acceptance‌ ‌and‌ ‌self-love‌ ‌come‌ ‌out‌ ‌of‌ ‌sharing‌ ‌and‌ ‌owning‌ ‌who‌ ‌you‌ ‌are.‌ ‌We‌‌
generally‌ ‌loathe‌ ‌our‌ ‌hidden‌ ‌self‌ ‌and‌ ‌self-loathing;‌ ‌shame‌ ‌and‌ ‌evasion‌ ‌form‌ ‌a‌ ‌pattern‌‌that‌‌ACoA‌‌
recovery‌‌hopes‌‌to‌‌reverse.‌ ‌

Opening‌‌up‌‌to‌‌people‌‌can‌‌be‌‌frightening.‌‌It‌‌involves‌‌risk,‌‌rejection‌‌and‌‌criticism.‌‌In‌‌ACoA,‌‌
however,‌‌judgment‌‌and‌‌criticism‌‌are‌‌almost‌‌non-existent.‌‌There‌‌may‌‌be‌‌some‌‌low-level‌‌gossip‌‌and‌‌
a‌‌few‌‌personality‌‌clashes,‌‌but‌‌the‌‌overall‌‌environment‌‌is‌‌supportive,‌‌non-critical‌‌and‌‌non-invasive.‌‌
This‌‌is‌‌the‌‌only‌‌way‌‌that‌‌ACoA‌‌can‌‌adequately‌‌function‌‌as‌‌a‌‌recovery‌‌programme.‌‌We‌‌are‌‌brought‌‌
together‌‌to‌‌share‌‌as‌‌brothers‌‌and‌‌sisters,‌‌to‌‌heal‌‌each‌‌other.‌‌This‌‌is‌‌something‌‌we‌‌cannot‌‌do‌‌alone‌‌
or‌ ‌in‌ ‌silence.‌ ‌We‌ ‌can‌ ‌trust‌ ‌the‌ ‌process,‌ ‌surrender‌ ‌to‌‌it‌‌and‌‌try‌‌not‌‌to‌‌retreat‌‌into‌‌silence.‌‌I‌‌never‌‌
could‌‌think‌‌my‌‌way‌‌out‌‌of‌‌my‌‌problems.‌‌I‌‌had‌‌to‌‌feel,‌‌act‌‌and‌‌talk‌‌my‌‌way‌‌out‌‌of‌‌them.‌‌Quite‌‌often‌‌
the‌‌ACoA‌‌programme‌‌asks‌‌people‌‌to‌‌do‌‌that‌‌which‌‌they‌‌fear‌‌and‌‌hate‌‌as‌‌part‌‌of‌‌the‌‌recovery‌‌and‌‌it‌‌
works.‌ ‌Drifting‌ ‌and‌ ‌Not‌ ‌Focusing‌ ‌on‌ ‌Personal‌ ‌Problems‌ ‌Drifting‌ ‌and‌ ‌Not‌ ‌Focusing‌‌on‌‌Personal‌‌
Problems‌‌Newcomers‌‌to‌‌ACoA‌‌are‌‌shown‌‌a‌‌list‌‌of‌‌behaviour‌‌patterns‌‌that‌‌have‌‌brought‌‌problems‌‌
and‌ ‌troubles‌ ‌to‌ ‌all‌ ‌of‌ ‌us.‌ ‌As‌ ‌newcomers‌ ‌listen‌ ‌to‌ ‌members‌ ‌share,‌ ‌they‌ ‌discover‌ ‌other‌‌
characteristics‌‌and‌‌issues.‌‌Most‌‌members‌‌readily‌‌identify‌‌with‌‌some‌‌of‌‌the‌‌major‌‌issues‌‌and‌‌add‌‌to‌‌
their‌ ‌"to‌ ‌be‌ ‌worked‌ ‌on"‌ ‌list‌ ‌as‌ ‌they‌ ‌make‌ ‌progress‌ ‌in‌ ‌their‌ ‌recovery.‌ ‌Some‌ ‌members,‌ ‌however,‌‌
seem‌ ‌to‌ ‌have‌ ‌difficulty‌ ‌identifying‌ ‌just‌‌what‌‌it‌‌is‌‌they‌‌should‌‌be‌‌working‌‌on.‌‌They‌‌are‌‌vague‌‌and‌‌
unfocused.‌ ‌They‌ ‌may‌ ‌be‌ ‌able‌ ‌to‌ ‌share‌ ‌at‌ ‌great‌ ‌length‌ ‌about‌ ‌how‌ ‌much‌ ‌they‌ ‌were‌ ‌abused‌ ‌as‌‌
children,‌ ‌but‌ ‌often‌ ‌they‌ ‌don't‌ ‌see‌ ‌clearly‌ ‌that‌ ‌it's‌ ‌all‌ ‌connected‌ ‌to‌ ‌their‌ ‌current‌ ‌behaviour.‌ ‌They‌‌
need‌‌to‌‌sit‌‌quietly‌‌and‌‌draw‌‌up‌‌their‌‌very‌‌own‌‌list‌‌of‌‌problems.‌‌They‌‌can‌‌either‌‌focus‌‌on‌‌the‌‌most‌‌
troublesome‌‌ones‌‌or‌‌attack‌‌the‌‌least‌‌difficult‌‌ones‌‌if‌‌they‌‌have‌‌trouble‌‌confronting‌‌and‌‌working‌‌on‌‌
some‌ ‌of‌ ‌the‌ ‌larger‌ ‌issues.‌ ‌Another‌ ‌way‌ ‌to‌ ‌limit‌ ‌recovery‌ ‌is‌ ‌to‌ ‌just‌ ‌drift‌ ‌along‌ ‌without‌‌
understanding‌‌that‌‌recovery‌‌requires‌‌work.‌ ‌

It's‌‌sad‌‌to‌‌watch‌‌members‌‌drift‌‌like‌‌leaves‌‌on‌‌a‌‌windy‌‌pond,‌‌moved‌‌around‌‌by‌‌forces‌‌outside‌‌
themselves.‌‌To‌‌ignore‌‌one's‌‌issues‌‌is‌‌to‌‌ignore‌‌the‌‌programme.‌‌The‌‌programme‌‌can‌‌always‌‌provide‌‌
some‌‌nourishment‌‌to‌‌the‌‌drifters,‌‌but‌‌real‌‌change‌‌and‌‌progress‌‌will‌‌probably‌‌elude‌‌them‌‌until‌‌they‌‌
define‌‌and‌‌take‌‌responsibility‌‌for‌‌their‌‌problems‌‌with‌‌a‌‌concerted‌‌effort.‌ ‌

My‌ ‌own‌ ‌self-deception‌ ‌was‌ ‌a‌ ‌major‌ ‌hindrance‌ ‌to‌ ‌my‌ ‌recovery.‌ ‌Since‌ ‌I‌ ‌had‌ ‌written‌ ‌the‌‌
Laundry‌‌List‌‌and‌‌thrown‌‌myself‌‌into‌‌service,‌‌helping‌‌to‌‌put‌‌the‌‌groups‌‌on‌‌solid‌‌footing,‌‌I‌‌felt‌‌that‌‌
I‌‌was‌‌doing‌‌wonders‌‌with‌‌my‌‌own‌‌ACoA‌‌illness.‌‌But‌‌after‌‌a‌‌few‌‌years‌‌I‌‌realized‌‌that‌‌I‌‌had‌‌blithely‌‌

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skipped‌‌over‌‌some‌‌of‌‌my‌‌issues‌‌-‌‌I‌‌hadn't‌‌done‌‌the‌‌core‌‌work‌‌that‌‌was‌‌required.‌‌Because‌‌I‌‌was‌‌the‌‌
originator‌ ‌of‌ ‌the‌ ‌Laundry‌ ‌List,‌ ‌I‌ ‌had‌ ‌deceived‌ ‌myself‌ ‌into‌ ‌thinking‌ ‌I‌ ‌had‌ ‌cleaned‌ ‌up‌ ‌some‌‌
problems‌‌when‌‌all‌‌I‌‌had‌‌done‌‌was‌‌define‌‌them‌‌and‌‌give‌‌them‌‌lip‌‌service.‌ ‌

In‌ ‌ACoA‌ ‌there‌ ‌is‌ ‌an‌ ‌essential‌ ‌process‌ ‌that‌ ‌cannot‌ ‌be‌ ‌avoided.‌ ‌Members‌ ‌have‌ ‌to‌ ‌prepare‌‌
their‌ ‌own‌ ‌precise‌ ‌list‌ ‌of‌ ‌issues.‌ ‌Then‌ ‌they‌ ‌need‌ ‌to‌ ‌develop‌ ‌some‌ ‌recovery‌‌goals,‌‌specifying‌‌what‌‌
they‌‌want‌‌to‌‌accomplish‌‌and‌‌how‌‌they‌‌will‌‌proceed.‌‌Remember,‌‌your‌‌Higher‌‌Power‌‌will‌‌steer‌‌you,‌‌
but‌‌you‌‌need‌‌to‌‌do‌‌the‌‌rowing.‌ ‌

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Reading‌‌15‌‌–‌‌A‌‌Reminder‌‌about‌‌Anonymity‌
‌
AA,‌ ‌the‌‌original‌‌12-Step‌‌recovery‌‌programme,‌‌considers‌‌anonymity‌‌to‌‌be‌‌the‌‌foundation‌‌of‌‌
its‌‌programme.‌‌This‌‌concept‌‌is‌‌equally‌‌important‌‌to‌‌the‌‌ACoA‌‌recovery‌‌programme.‌‌Some‌‌of‌‌the‌‌
key‌‌aspects‌‌of‌‌our‌‌anonymity‌‌stance‌‌are‌‌as‌‌follows:‌ ‌

1. Whatever‌ ‌we‌‌may‌‌hear‌‌shared‌‌at‌‌a‌‌meeting‌‌must‌‌be‌‌kept‌‌confidential.‌‌What‌‌we‌‌hear‌‌in‌‌the‌‌
meeting‌ ‌rooms‌ ‌should‌ ‌stay‌ ‌in‌ ‌the‌ ‌meeting‌ ‌rooms.‌ ‌We‌ ‌must‌ ‌always‌ ‌respect‌ ‌the‌‌
confidentiality‌‌of‌‌the‌‌members.‌ ‌
2. A‌ ‌member‌ ‌should‌ ‌especially‌ ‌guard‌ ‌against‌ ‌ever‌ ‌revealing‌ ‌the‌ ‌names‌ ‌of‌ ‌ACoA‌‌members‌‌to‌‌
non-members‌‌or‌‌the‌‌public‌‌at‌‌large.‌‌Each‌‌individual's‌‌affiliation‌‌with‌‌ACoA‌‌is‌‌a‌‌private‌‌and‌‌
personal‌‌matter‌‌and‌‌we,‌‌as‌‌fellow‌‌members,‌‌must‌‌respect‌‌this‌‌right‌‌to‌‌privacy.‌‌Our‌‌sense‌‌of‌‌
security‌‌and‌‌support‌‌require‌‌it.‌ ‌
3. At‌‌the‌‌individual‌‌level‌‌a‌‌member‌‌may‌‌elect‌‌to‌‌reveal‌‌his‌‌or‌‌her‌‌own‌‌association‌‌with‌‌ACoA‌‌
to‌ ‌another‌ ‌individual‌ ‌or‌ ‌group‌ ‌of‌ ‌non-members.‌ ‌Such‌ ‌action‌ ‌should‌ ‌be‌ ‌undertaken‌ ‌with‌‌
caution‌‌as‌‌such‌‌disclosure‌‌may‌‌cause‌‌harm‌‌to‌‌an‌‌innocent‌‌relative‌‌or‌‌family‌‌member.‌ ‌
4. At‌ ‌the‌ ‌public‌ ‌media‌ ‌level,‌ ‌I‌ ‌urge‌ ‌discretion‌ ‌concerning‌ ‌revealing‌ ‌one's‌ ‌association‌ ‌with‌‌
ACoA.‌ ‌Broad‌ ‌publicity,‌ ‌though‌‌well‌‌meant,‌‌may‌‌reflect‌‌negatively‌‌on‌‌parents‌‌and‌‌relatives.‌‌
When‌‌it‌‌comes‌‌to‌‌public‌‌disclosure‌‌to‌‌the‌‌media‌‌it‌‌is‌‌best‌‌to‌‌look‌‌carefully‌‌at‌‌the‌‌content‌‌of‌‌
the‌ ‌situation‌ ‌and‌ ‌the‌ ‌motives‌ ‌involved.‌ ‌Some‌ ‌have‌ ‌found‌ ‌it‌ ‌freeing‌ ‌to‌ ‌reveal‌ ‌the‌ ‌family‌‌
secrets,‌ ‌while‌ ‌others‌ ‌have‌ ‌found‌ ‌that‌ ‌it‌ ‌increased‌ ‌family‌ ‌disharmony.‌ ‌On‌ ‌this‌ ‌issue‌ ‌each‌‌
member‌‌would‌‌do‌‌best‌‌to‌‌seek‌‌the‌‌guidance‌‌of‌‌his‌‌or‌‌her‌‌Higher‌‌Power.‌ ‌

God,‌‌ ‌

Grant‌‌me‌‌the‌‌serenity‌ ‌

To‌‌accept‌‌the‌‌people‌‌I‌‌cannot‌‌change,‌‌ ‌

The‌‌courage‌‌to‌‌change‌‌the‌‌one‌‌I‌‌can‌ ‌

And‌‌the‌‌wisdom‌‌to‌‌know‌‌that‌‌one‌‌is‌‌me.‌ ‌

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Bibliography‌ ‌

A.,‌‌Tony.‌‌“New‌‌Steps‌‌for‌‌ACoA.”‌y‌ outube‌,‌‌2020.‌‌

<[Link] ‌

A.,‌‌Tony,‌‌and‌‌Dan‌‌F.‌T
‌ he‌‌Laundry‌‌List:‌‌The‌‌ACoA‌‌Experience‌.‌‌[Link],‌‌2014.‌ ‌

ACA‌‌WSO‌‌INC.‌A
‌ dult‌‌Children‌‌of‌‌Alcoholics/Dysfunctional‌‌Families‌.‌‌ACA‌‌WSO‌‌INC.,‌‌2006.‌ ‌

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