Dialectal Behavior Therapy Inspired
Healthy, Positive
Communication Skills
for families:
A Workbook
DBT Communication
Skills for Families
Some families struggle to communicate in safe, healthy ways.
Over the next ten weeks we will spend time considering how your
family communicates right now. We will bring attention to what is
and is not working, and together we will work to build and
practice healthy communication skills.
DBT, or Dialectal Behavior Therapy, is considered one of the most
effective therapies for individuals and families where big emotions
get in the way of healthy behaviors and choices. It is a highly
structured therapy which means we will use the handouts and
worksheets in this workbook to guide each session.
One major way DBT is different from other forms of counseling is
that DBT focuses on building the life skills necessary to have a
healthy family. Remember, it takes 21 days of constantly doing a
new skill to make it a habit. In order to build life skills, you and your
family must be willing to try new ways of communicating and
approaching situations. If you choose not to practice the skills we
work on in session this type of family counseling will not be
effective; however, if you choose to work on these skills, you will
be pleasantly surprised how much better your family feels.
Table of Contents
Before We Begin: Pre-Test
Week 1: Rules for Fair Fighting
Week 2: Anger Iceberg
Week 3: Battery Power
Week 4: Be Proactive
Before We Begin: Progress Check
Week 5: Wise Mind
Week 6: How We Say It Makes a Difference
Week 7: Even More Communication Skills
Week 8: JoHari’s Window
Week 9: Family Rules
Before We Begin: Post-Test
Week 10: The “So What?” Question
Before We Begin
Over the next 10 weeks we will work together on building healthy
communication skills. Before we begin this work it is important to think
about how your family is communicating now. We will answer these same
questions today, halfway through this workbook, and at the end of the
workbook, to see how much your family’s ability to communicate grows.
On a scale of 0-10, with 0 being never and 10 being always….
Name: Name: Name: Name:
I greet my family
members when they
walk into the room.
I look at my family
members when they
are talking.
I listen to everything
they have to say
before responding.
I ask my family
members questions
about themselves.
I can keep calm
during a
disagreement.
I can express my
feelings in healthy
ways.
I apologize when I
say or do something
hurtful.
I show respect with
my words & actions.
I am proud of how I
treat my family.
Week 1: Rules for Fair Fighting
Arguments happen even in the healthiest of families. Today we will learn
rules for fair fighting your family can use should an argument arise. By
using these rules for fair fighting, your family will be able to have
disagreements without any yelling, screaming, name calling, or other
negative actions. It is possible to disagree and have a positive experience!
Make sure you’re fighting about the right topic.
Are you angry because someone ate your chips, or are you angry because you feel like your family
disrespects you? If you’re going to have an argument make sure it’s about the right topic.
Only bring up one issue at a time.
“You should talk to me before spending that much money,” can become, “You don’t care about our
family.” Now there’s two issues! When an argument gets off topic it can become about everything the
person has ever done wrong. This can make arguments especially hurtful and unhelpful.
Keep it classy.
Arguments are about a problem, NOT about a person. No cussing people out, calling names, insulting
people, or being hurtful in any other way. People only hurt others when they want the other person to
feel as bad as they feel, and there’s healthier ways to express your feelings.
Express your feelings in healthy ways.
“I feel ___________ when _______________.”
Take turns talking.
No interrupting. If this is difficult, use a talking stick or set a timer for 1 minute and take turns. Just
listen, even if you don’t agree.
No screaming.
Arguments aren’t magically won if you’re louder. It’s not classy or helpful to scream.
You’re not a turtle.
Don’t go silent and retreat into your shell. It doesn’t help anything. If you don’t feel safe having this
argument right now, it’s time to take a break.
Breaks are okay.
Take a time out if the argument gets too intense or personal. Arguments shouldn’t be intense or
personal. They should be calm. Agree to come back and talk about it later after everyone’s calmer. If
one or both people don’t feel comfortable having the argument on their own, they can invite a
pastor, family counselor, friend, or other safe person to referee.
End with compromise and understanding.
There isn’t always a perfect answer to what people argue about, but you can end an argument by
compromising and understanding where the other person is coming from.
Week 2: Anger Iceberg
Many families who struggle with unhealthy communication also struggle with
anger. Anger is the only emotion that is made up of other emotions. The first
step to dealing with anger is figuring out what emotions we’re actually
feeling when we have an angry response. Today, we’re going to figure out
what each member of your family means when they say they feel angry.
Today we will review the Anger Iceberg together assuring every member of
your family knows what each of the feeling words mean. Mark which
emotions you’re feeling when you’re angry. Each person will have
an opportunity to share as many of their highlighted words as they feel
comfortable sharing. We will spend the rest of the session considering
the similarities and differences between what emotions family members
identified, healthy ways to cope with those feelings, and ways
identified emotions impact family dynamics on a day-to-day basis.
Person 1: __________________ Person 2: ___________________
Person 3: __________________ Person 4: ___________________
Week 3: Battery Power
This week we are going to consider times when emotions get so high
somebody (or everybody) in the family explodes or implodes. Exploding
refers to times when someone doesn’t know how to manage their big
emotions so they take those emotions out on people or objects. Imploding
means times when someone doesn’t know how to manage their big
emotions so they take those emotions out on themselves.
Each person will identify a big feeling they have difficulty with. Next, we
will identify how big that feeling must be before you explode or implode.
We will consider what the resulting explosions or implosions look like, and
make a plan for what you can do before you get to that point.
happy sad angry scared
Peaceful Numb Worried Anxious
Hopeful Grieving Annoyed Uncertain
Loved Hurting Frustrated Nervous
Cared for Depressed Offended Afraid
Silly Unloved Anxious Dread
Joyful Alone/Lonely Unsure Panicky
Respected Unwanted Guilt Terrified
Valued Worthless Disrespected Vulnerable
Appreciated Empty Shame Alarmed
Important Miserable Insecure Triggered
Valuable Despair Uncomfortable Threatened
Wanted Like a burden Helpless Uneasy
Safe Suicidal Regret Bothered
Appreciated Unsafe Disappointed Distracted
Content Unheard Helpless Sick
Fortunate Powerless Trapped Fight/Flight
Example Feeling: _________________________________
Shame
When this emotion gets really big, I…
q Explode
q x
Implode
Actions I have when I explode/implode:
q Break things x
q Stop eating
x
q
q
Cry
Get quiet
x
q
q
Think bad about myself
Throw things
x
q Hurt myself q Use alcohol or drugs
q
q
Punch or hit or kick
Say mean things
x
q
q
Other: ___________________
stop doing things to
Other: ___________________
help myself because I
q Shut down q Other: ___________________
don’t think I deserve it.
q Sleep too little q Other: ___________________
x
q Sleep too much q Other: ___________________
Put a star by the battery that represents how big this feeling
needs to be before you explode or implode.
*
When you start to have this feeling, what could you do that
would make it bigger, guaranteeing that you will explode/
implode?
Listen to sad music, make a list of reasons why I’m a bad person. Not telling
the people I trust how I’m feeling.
What could you do that would make the feeling smaller so you
DON’T explode/implode?
Distract myself by watching silly animal videos that make me laugh, ask
mom for a hug, call my counselor, eat a healthy snack or meal.
Feeling 1: ____________________________________
When this emotion gets really big, I…
q Explode
q Implode
Actions I have when I explode/implode:
q Break things q Stop eating
q Cry q Think bad about myself
q Get quiet q Throw Things
q Hurt myself q Use alcohol or drugs
q Punch or hit or kick q Other: ___________________
q Say mean things q Other: ___________________
q Shut down q Other: ___________________
q Sleep too little q Other: ___________________
q Sleep too much q Other: ___________________
Put a star by the battery that represents how big this feeling
needs to be before you explode or implode.
When you start to have this feeling, what could you do that
would make it bigger, guaranteeing that you will explode/
implode?
What could you do that would make the feeling smaller so you
DON’T explode/implode?
Week 4: Be Proactive
The acronym A-C-C-E-P-T-S has some good tips for healthy ways to
cope with situations before they become arguments or crises. By
managing our emotions and using healthy communication skills, it is
possible to avoid arguments and crises before they even begin!
Activities: When emotions start to get out of hand try doing an activity that
distracts yourself from those emotions, like watching a TV show, playing video games,
rgoing for a walk, doing a hobby, or any other healthy activity that distracts you for a
while. When you’ve cooled down you can go back to the conversation with a clear mind.
CONTRIBUTING: One healthy way of coping with difficult feelings is finding
some way to give back to your family or community. Offer to fold the laundry, go pick up trash in
the park, do something nice or surprising for someone.
COMPARISONS: Compare yourself to where you were at one year ago, five
years ago, or ten years ago. If you’re doing better than you were make (and celebrate!) that
comparison. If you’re doing worse, acknowledge you may need to make some changes.
EMOTIONS: Do something that will make you feel an opposite, positive emotion.
Watch silly animal videos online, listen to calming music, watch your favorite movie, etc.
Push away: Push the negative thoughts and feelings away for a while. Build an
imaginary wall between yourself and the situation. Refuse to think about it. Try putting it in a box
on a shelf and leaving it there until you’re ready to deal with it again.
thoughts: Go outside and try to count all the colors of green you can see. Name
all 50 states. Try any trick that will keep your thoughts away from the upsetting situation for a bit.
SENSORY: Hold ice in your hand. Eat something with a strong taste, like sour candy or
a peppermint. Listen to very loud music. Take a very hot shower. Any strong, safe physical stimulus
can lessen your upsetting feelings.
Before We Begin:
Week 5 Check-In
On a scale of 0-10, with 0 being never and 10 being always….
Name: Name: Name: Name:
I greet my family
members when they
walk into the room.
I look at my family
members when they
are talking.
I listen to everything
they have to say
before responding.
I ask my family
members questions
about themselves.
I can keep calm
during a
disagreement.
I can express my
feelings in healthy
ways.
I apologize when I
say or do something
hurtful.
I show respect with
my words & actions.
I am proud of how I
treat my family.
Week 5: Wise Mind
Often, when families have trouble communicating in healthy, safe ways, it
is because members of that family are so overwhelmed by emotion that
they are unable to be their best selves. “Wise mind” refers to times when
we are able to be both emotional and logical at the same time. Today, we
will spend some time practicing wise mind skills together as a family.
Example name: ______________________________________
Emotional Mind Logical Mind
Wise Mind
Example name: ______________________________________
Emotional Mind Logical Mind
Wise Mind
Families must communicate
even when it is not easy.
One of the best ways to
heal, is simply to get
everything out.
Week 6: How We Say It Makes a Big Difference
The acronym G-I-V-E F-A-S-T has some useful advice for healthy
communication. Today we will spend some time considering what
communication is like in your family now, and considering the ways these
tips might help your family have a healthier style of communication.
Gentle: Approach every interaction with a gentle and non-threatening manner.
Assure your voice is not raised, your body is not threatening, and your words are calm.
Avoid words or actions that attack or judge the other person.
Interested: Show your interest in the other person by listening to them and not
interrupting them. Use your body language to show you are listening--face the person, make eye
contact, nod your head, ask questions. Even if you disagree with the other person you can listen.
Validate: Whether or not you agree with the other person, validate them.
Validation is how you show you value the speaker.
EASY: Approach every interaction with an easy-to-get-along-with attitude by smiling and
using a light-hearted tone of voice. Use “I” statements, not “you” statements.
FAIR: Be fair to yourself and to the other party. This avoids resentment on both sides.
Apologize: Apologize every time you intentionally hurt somebody. Apologizing
when we intentionally hurt somebody is taking appropriate responsibility.
Stick: Stick to your values. Don’t do something if it doesn’t make you proud.
Truthful: Be truthful. Do not manipulate other people by acting helpless or like a
victim. Do not manipulate other people by exaggerating or lying. Just tell the truth.
Week 7: DEAR MAN
When families are unable to communicate in healthy, safe ways, it is
difficult for members of that family to feel connected, loved, or to trust
each other. This week we will learn some more simple skills to help you
communicate with your family in healthy, safe ways. The acronym D-E-A-R
M-A-N will help us organize and remember your new communication skills.
DESCRIBE: Use clear language to describe exactly what you want to say. If
you want help with a chore say, “Could you please help me with _____ chore?” instead of, “Man,
I wish I didn’t have to do _____ chore alone.” People can’t read minds so it’s your job to
communicate what you want them to know.
EXPRESS: In healthy families people take ownership of how they express their
feelings. No matter how you feel, you are in control of how you express your feelings. It’s ok to be
sad or angry. It’s never ok to be mean. In other words, it’s not ok to blame others for how you act,
no matter how you feel. It is your responsibility to use your communication skills to express your
feelings in healthy ways.
Assert: Being assertive means you are not being aggressive. It also means you’re
not being silent. Being assertive means you know you have the right to need what you need, feel
what you feel, and express yourself.
REINFORCE: Reinforce your commitment to these skills. Use your words
and actions to show the members of your family that you are a safe person to communicate their
wants and needs with. People should feel good communicating with you, not unsafe, fearful, or
forced. It’s ok if it takes a long time for your family to feel confident you are committed to
changing. How many years have you been communicating in unhealthy ways? It will take at least
half that time to really repair any trust you’ve broken.
MINDFUL: Stay mindful. That means staying in charge of yourself. Never
communicate if you think your emotions might cloud your thinking. If the other person is being
hostile or defensive, don’t be defensive or hostile back. The more negative emotions the less likely
it is the conversation will be useful, so it’s ok to take a break and come back to it.
Appearances: If you appear angry your family will think you are
angry. If in the past your anger has lead you to do things that were abusive or unsafe, your family
is going to worry you’re going to do those things again. They will have this worry for years and it
will take time to earn their trust again. That’s normal. When you communicate with your family,
make an effort to use your body language to show that you are calm, focused on them, and care
about their wellbeing. Face them when you speak to them, use non-verbals to show interest.
NEGOTIATE: Very often, even when we communicate in healthy ways, we
do not get everything we want when we want it. That’s just part of life. In healthy families people
negotiate and meet halfway. If mom asks for help doing the dishes and you’re in the middle of
math homework, maybe the compromise is you take a break and do dishes when you finish the
problem or assignment you’re on. This is just one example. Healthy families negotiate many times
each day.
“Communication
works for those
who work at it.”
–John Powell
Week 8: JoHari’s Window
In every situation there are things only you know, things only the other
person knows, things nobody knows yet, and things you both know. Let’s
look at JoHari’s Window as one way of understanding how unhealthy and
unclear communication may impact your family.
Things only I know Things only you know
Things we both know Things neither of us knows
Things only I know Things only you know
Things we both know Things neither of us knows
Week 9: Rules & Expectations
Many families who struggle to communicate have arguments or conflicts
because each family member holds different expectations. Today, as we
prepare to end this workbook, we are going to spend time creating a list
of expectations (or house rules) that can be displayed in your home. This
way, every member of your family will be on the same page. Use this space
to brainstorm. On the next page, you can write your final rules to hang up.
Any problem, big or small,
in a family starts with bad
communication. Starts with
someone not listening.
–Emma Thompson
Family Rules
We will show respect with our words and
with our actions.
If we get into an argument, we will use
the rules of fair fighting.
We kids have the following chores:
-Maya keeps her room clean, does her homework,
does the dishes every other day, and cleans the
bathroom once a week.
-Ben keeps his room clean, does his homework,
does the dishes every other day, and takes the
trash out.
We parents will never punish you when
we’re angry, we will wait until we’re calm
to talk about it.
EXAMPLE
Family Rules
Before We Begin:
Week 10 Check-In
On a scale of 0-10, with 0 being never and 10 being always….
Name: Name: Name: Name:
I greet my family
members when they
walk into the room.
I look at my family
members when they
are talking.
I listen to everything
they have to say
before responding.
I ask my family
members questions
about themselves.
I can keep calm
during a
disagreement.
I can express my
feelings in healthy
ways.
I apologize when I
say or do something
hurtful.
I show respect with
my words & actions.
I am proud of how I
treat my family.
The “So What?!” Question
We spent some time doing worksheets and
talking about our feelings…So what?!
Why was this topic so important we spent 10 weeks on it?
Did anything we did during the past 10 weeks even matter?
What did I learn about myself in the past 10 weeks?
What did I learn about my family in the past 10 weeks?
What was the most challenging part of this process?
What actions or thoughts will I change (if any) as a result of
this time?
Are there parts of what we worked on during the past 10
weeks that you don’t think will work for your family?
When will I use the ideas we talked about?
How will my family and I know if these skills are working?
How will we know if we need to go to family counseling again
for a tune up?
Why is any of this important, anyway?
The first duty of
love is to listen.
~Paul Tillich
This lesson is the intellectual property of
Shea Daniels and sold at Whimsy in
School Counseling, a Teachers Pay
Teachers store. All fonts used are in the
public domain/creative commons or
appropriately licensed. All images are
from pixabay.com. You may make copies
of this lesson but please refrain from
posting it on the internet and/or as your
own/without proper citation. Thank
you! And a bigger thank you for choosing
kindness and empowerment, and for
using your professional life to help every
student you meet have their best chance
on the pursuit of happiness.
