“Attachment-Informed Grief Therapy is a fascinating book!

Kosminsky and Jordan have

written a scientifically sound, clinically innovative, well-argued, and extremely
informative volume. The authors show how insights from attachment theory and
neuroscience are the keys that unlock the puzzle of healthy and disordered grief
responses, and how, through understanding unmet attachment needs, attachment-
related emotions and defenses, and the broaden-and-build repercussions of attach­
ment security, grief therapists can help bereaved clients to manage their grief
reactions and to find ways to move forward. I enjoyed reading this gracefully written
and profound book and I strongly believe that it will become essential reading for
clinicians, researchers, and students interested in the study and treatment of dis­
ordered grief.”
Mario Mikulincer, Professor of Psychology, Baruch Ivcher School of Psychology,
Reichman University, Israel

“In this remarkable revision of their ground-breaking volume, Phyllis Kosminsky and
Jack Jordan penetrate still more profoundly into the developmental, interpersonal,
and intersubjective neurobiological underpinnings of attachment that give rise and
form to all grief. More than a compendium of clinical wisdom and contemporary
theory and research, Attachment-Informed Grief Therapy provides resonant insights
and concrete principles for helping clients read the deep text of their own needs in the
wake of loss. Equally, it instructs the reader in how to become the secure base that
allows survivors to integrate the rupture and realign the bond with a significant other
who is present even in absence. I, for one, am a better therapist and companion to
those who mourn for the gift of their vision.”
Robert A. Neimeyer, PhD, co-editor of The Handbook of Grief Therapy
and director of The Portland Institute for Loss and Transition

“The second edition of this important volume is a valuable resource for clinicians and
researchers alike. Updating, expanding, and deepening their understanding of the
interface between attachment styles and the processing of bereavement, Kosminsky
and Jordan’s integration of new findings from neuroscience adds an important
dimension to their overview. The ample clinical material included is accompanied by
rich and thoughtful consideration of the cases at hand. Accompanying these ex­
emplary clinicians as they weave together theory, research and practice on bereave­
ment will enrich the therapeutic encounter for therapists at all stages of their
professional development.”
Simon Shimshon Rubin, PhD, director of the International Laboratory
for the Study of Loss, Bereavement, and Human Resilience at the
University of Haifa, Israel, and co-author of Working with the Bereaved:
Multiple Lenses on Loss and Mourning
“Reading this book in one stitting, as I did, left me moved. It starts with a crystal-clear
exposition of contemporary attachment theory and its neuroscience basis, defines
and easy-to-understand attachment framework for helping bereaved people, and
shows how sensitive therapy can help overcome physiological dysregulation and
restore meaning. Convincing clinical illustrations are used throughout, contributing
to an overall sense of two vastly experienced clinicians passing on deep theoretical
and practical expertise to the next generations. Strongly recommended.”
Jeremy Holmes, MD, FRCPsych, University of Exeter, United Kingdom,
and author of Exploring in Security: Towards an
Attachment-Informed Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy

“Grief, that harrowing experience after the death of a loved one, is again beautifully
described in the second edition of Attachment-Informed Grief Therapy. What the au­
thors have accomplished in this edition will continue to enrich how clinicians work
with the grief-stricken and will provide them with an expanded knowledge of how
attachment shapes the experience of grief in bereavement. And Kosminsky and
Jordan do more. The rhythm of the writing combined with their clarity and deftness in
explicating theory and neuroscience make Attachment-Informed Grief Therapy a book
that is a pleasure to read.”
Dorothy Holinger, PhD, author of The Anatomy of Grief

“In the second edition of this groundbreaking volume, Phyllis Kosminsky and John
Jordan show us how to help our clients navigate the landscape of life, with all of its
fault lines. Filled with deep empathy and wisdom, Attachment-Informed Grief Therapy
is a book that will inform and inspire anyone who is in a position to offer support to
people dealing with significant loss or with other difficult and painful losses.”
Jakob van Wielink, The School for Transition, The Netherlands,
and co-author of Loss, Grief, and Attachment in Life Transitions:
A Clinician’s Guide to Secure Base Counseling

“This volume provides a wonderful intergration of the concepts related to attach­

ment, current theories of grief, and contemporary neuroscience. The book answered
questions about attachment and therapy that I didn’t even know that I had! It is an
absolute must-read for any clinician who wishes to enhance their practice and provide
sensitive and well-informed support to those who are grieving.”
Darcy Harris, PhD, professor, Thanatology Department,
King’s University College at Western University and co-editor
of the Routledge Series in Death, Dying, and Bereavement
“Finally! In an extraordinary blend of scholarship and clinical acumen, the rich store
of information located in attachment theory/research has been retrieved and inte­
grated with what the bereaved specifically require in the aftermath of significant loss.
Synthesizing developmental psychology, traumatology, thanatology, neuroscience,
and therapy research, Kosminsky and Jordan brilliantly elucidate the mourner’s ex­
perience and needs, along the way operationalizing what clinicians must know to
intervene successfully to promote healthy adaptation. Practical and cutting edge, this
book makes a revolutionary contribution and will become required reading for those
working with all kinds of loss.”
Therese Rando, PhD, BCETS, BCBT, founder and clinical director,
The Institute for the Study and Treatment of Loss, Warwick Rhode Island,
and author of Coping with the Sudden Death of Your Loved:
A Self-Help Handbook for Traumatic Bereavement

“Attachment-Informed Grief Therapy is a must-read for grief counselors. This is a

book that every therapist should have in his or her library and one they will consult
regularly.”
Kenneth J. Doka, PhD, senior consultant to the Hospice Foundation of America and
author of Grief is a Journey: Finding Your Path Through Loss

“This is an exceptional text! Written by two highly skilled clinicians, it presents the
state of the art in attachment theory and bereavement in both a highly engaging and
practical form. This book effectively bridges both research and practice and attach­
ment and thanatology in a way that no other texts have previously done. Richly
illustrated with clinical examples, this impressive book will enrich the understanding
and skills of both beginning and experienced clinicians.”
Christopher Hall, MA, BEd, chief executive officer of the Australian Centre
for Grief and Bereavement
 Attachment-Informed Grief
Therapy

Attachment-Informed Grief Therapy bridges the fields of attachment studies,

thanatology, and interpersonal neuroscience, uniting theory, research, and
practice to enrich our understanding of how we can help the bereaved. The new
edition includes updated research and discussion of emotion regulation,
relational trauma, epistemic trust, and much more.
In these pages, clinicians and students will gain a new understanding of the
etiology of problematic grief and its treatment, and will become better equipped
to formulate accurate and specific case conceptualization and treatment plans.
The authors also illustrate the ways in which the therapeutic relationship is
crucially important – though largely unrecognized – element in grief therapy and
offer guidelines for an attachment informed view of the therapeutic relationship
that can serve as the foundation of all grief therapy.
Written by two highly experienced grief counselors, this volume is filled with
instructive case vignettes and useful techniques that offer a universal and
practical frame of reference for understanding grief therapy for clinicians of
every theoretical orientation.

Phyllis S. Kosminsky is a clinical social worker specializing in work with the

bereaved, particularly those who have experienced a traumatic loss. Over the
past 30 years, Dr. Kosminsky has provided bereavement counseling to in­
dividuals, conducted grief support groups, and provided trainings for mental
health professionals in the treatment of normal and problematic grief. Her
publications include journal articles, book chapters, and the book Getting Back
to Life When Grief Won’t Heal.

John R. Jordan is a retired psychologist in private practice in Rhode Island,

where he specialized in work with survivors of suicide and other traumatic
losses for almost 40 years. He was the clinical consultant for Grief Support
Services of the Samaritans in Boston, Massachusetts, and the professional
advisor to the Loss and Bereavement Council of the American Foundation for
Suicide Prevention. He has published over 45 articles, chapters, and full books,
including Grief After Suicide: Coping with the Consequences and Caring for the
Survivors and After Suicide Loss: Coping with Your Grief.
Series in Death, Dying, and Bereavement
Series Editors: Robert A. Neimeyer, PhD
Portland Institute for Loss and Transition, Oregon, USA
Darcy L. Harris, PhD
Western University Canada, Ontario, Canada

Volumes published in the Series in Death, Dying and Bereavement are rep­
resentative of the multidisciplinary nature of the intersecting fields of death
studies, suicidology, end-of-life care, and grief counseling. The series meets
the needs of clinicians, researchers, paraprofessionals, pastoral counselors,
and educators by providing cutting edge research, theory, and best practices
on the most important topics in these fields—for today and for tomorrow.

Superhero Grief
The Transformative Power of Loss
Edited by Jill A. Harrington and Robert A. Neimeyer
New Techniques of Grief Therapy
Bereavement and Beyond
Edited by Robert A. Neimeyer
Pediatric Palliative Care
A Model for Exemplary Practice
Betty Davies, Rose Steele, and Jennifer Baird
The Restorative Nature of Ongoing Connections with the Deceased
Exploring Presence Within Absence
Laurie A. Burke and Edward (Ted) Rynearson
Compassion-Based Approaches in Loss and Grief
Darcy L. Harris and Andy H. Y. Ho
Attachment Informed Grief Therapy
The Clinician’s Guide to Foundations and Applications
Phyllis S. Kosminsky and John R. Jordan

For more information about this series, please visit [Link]

com/Series-in-Death-Dying-and-Bereavement/book-series/SE0620
Attachment-Informed Grief
Therapy
The Clinician’s Guide to Foundations
and Applications

Second Edition

Phyllis S. Kosminsky and John R. Jordan

Designed cover image: Kubkoo © Getty Images
Second edition published 2024
by Routledge
605 Third Avenue, New York, NY 10158
and by Routledge
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Routledge is an imprint of the Taylor & Francis Group, an informa business
© 2024 Phyllis S. Kosminsky and John R. Jordan
The right of Phyllis S. Kosminsky and John R. Jordan to be identified as authors of
this work has been asserted in accordance with sections 77 and 78 of the Copyright,
Designs and Patents Act 1988.
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reprinted or reproduced or utilised
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trademarks, and are used only for identification and explanation without intent to
infringe.
First edition published by Routledge 2016
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Names: Kosminsky, Phyllis, author. | Jordan, John R., author.
Title: Attachment-informed grief therapy : the clinician’s guide to foundations and
applications / Phyllis S. Kosminsky and John R. Jordan.
Description: Second edition. | New York, NY : Routledge, 2024. | Includes
bibliographical references and index. | Identifiers: LCCN 2023027161 (print) |
LCCN 2023027162 (ebook) | ISBN 9781032038469 (hardback) |
ISBN 9781032038445 (paperback) | ISBN 9781003204183 (ebook)
Subjects: LCSH: Grief therapy. | Attachment behavior.
Classification: LCC RC455.4.L67 K67 2024 (print) | LCC RC455.4.L67 (ebook) |
DDC 616.89/14‐‐dc23/eng/20230921
LC record available at [Link]
LC ebook record available at [Link]
ISBN: 978-1-032-03846-9 (hbk)
ISBN: 978-1-032-03844-5 (pbk)
ISBN: 978-1-003-20418-3 (ebk)
DOI: 10.4324/9781003204183
Typeset in Times New Roman
by MPS Limited, Dehradun
In loving memory of Lucile Schoenfeld Glick (1928–1961) and Jay Milton
Glick (1928–2011) and for JK, EK, YK, LE and SE. You guys are my
favorite people in the world.
PSK
For Gladys C. Jordan (1918–2014) and Robert F. Jordan (1915–1974).
JRJ
 CONTENTS

SERIES EDITOR FOREWORD xiii

PREFACE TO THE SECOND EDITION xvi
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS xviii

Introduction 1

PART I
An Introduction to Attachment Theory and Research 9

1 Foundational Concepts in Attachment Theory 11

2 Building on the Foundation: The Second Wave of Attachment

Theory and Research 27

3 Attachment Theory and Neuroscience: Understanding the

Impact of Early Experience and the Nature of Change 60

PART II
Bereavement through the Lens of Attachment: Advances in
Research, Theory and Practice 99
xii CONTENTS

4 Insecure Attachment and Problematic Grief: Contemporary

Models and Their Implications for Practice 101

5 The Impact of the Relationship with the Deceased 138

6 Trauma and the Mode of Death 164

PART III
Clinical Implications: Toward Attachment-Informed Grief Therapy 183

7 A Model of Attachment-Informed Grief Therapy 185

8 The Therapeutic Relationship: Core Capacities of the

Attachment-Informed Grief Therapist 202

9 Strengthening Self-Capacities 229

10 Meaning Making in Adaptation to Loss 258

11 Conclusions 284

REFERENCES 296
INDEX 330
 SERIES EDITOR FOREWORD

Attachment is instinctually programmed into us to ensure our safety and

survival. From our earliest moments, our attachment experiences are the
foundation of how we see the world, others, and ourselves, imprinting a
template that will shape much of our lives. Attachment guides how we
form relationships and the ways that we experience and express our deepest
feelings. And, as the reader will find in this book, attachment influences the
ways that we grieve the loss of a loved one and the ways in which we make
meaning of loss and rebuild our lives.
The original volume of Attachment Informed Grief Therapy was a
groundbreaking work of thanatology on both a theoretical and practical
level. The book brought together, for the first time, advances in attachment
theory and grief theory with the latest developments in neuroscience, while
offering those who work with the bereaved a clear guide to applying theory
to practice.
Since the publication of the original volume, researchers have gained a far
greater understanding and appreciation of the impact of the infant-caregiver
relationship on brain development, and employed new technologies to
revolutionize our understanding of brain functions. In this second edition,
Kosminsky and Jordan incorporate these new findings and illuminate
connections between neuroscience, attachment, emotion regulation, and
current theories and research in the field of bereavement. The sheer volume
of new material in this book testifies to the speed and intensity with which
these fields are expanding.
xiv SERIES EDITOR FOREWORD

The book’s new insights have direct implications for working with
grieving clients who exhibit signs of an insecure attachment orientation,
be it anxious, avoidant, or disorganized. The reader will find in this
volume expanded sections that tell moving stories taken from the
authors’ own work with clients. Every therapist will have something
to learn by “sitting in” on these sessions, each of which illustrates how to
apply our deepening understanding of attachment to build a supportive
bond with clients whose attachment systems have been dysregulated
by grief.
As in the first volume, the authors come back time and again to the
therapeutic relationship, the secure base upon which the client can begin
the process of exploring new possibilities and rebuilding their lives after a
debilitating loss. Expanding on their earlier work, Kosminsky and Jordan
revisit the role of the therapist as a transitional attachment figure who
helps guide the client through the confusing and often dark passages that
must be navigated after the loss of a loved one. In this sense, the book
brings needed attention to the human element of healing from grief, often
overlooked in current approaches that focus on diagnostic categories, case
formulations and manualized treatments. Often, what is lost in these
approaches is the client and their story. By contrast, this volume shifts the
focus from, in the authors’ own words, “What does the client have” to
“What do they need?” In this context, it is acknowledged that the past
informs the present, and the therapeutic relationship serves as a liminal
space where the present can open to the future. Within this space, the
therapeutic relationship can help the client feel safe, cared for, and
supported as they move from a world shattered by loss to a world of
new hope and possibilities.
Another important addition to this volume is the exploration of the
connection between attachment orientation and the potential for
developing difficulties in grieving, including prolonged grief disorder
(PGD), the newest grief-related diagnosis to be recognized in the
American Psychological Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual
(DSM-5). The authors provide attachment informed guidelines for offering
support to individuals who meet the criteria for PGD, who have
experienced traumatic loss, or whose grief may be complicated by other
psychological factors.
Like its predecessor, this second volume is a seminal work and a
necessary addition to the library of any clinician who wishes to enhance
their understanding of the impact of grief and loss, and most especially,
how best to support those who painfully grapple with the disequilibrium
that occurs after the death of a loved one. It isn’t often that I take the time
to read a second edition word-by-word and cover-to-cover. However, with
this book, I made the time because I found it so informative, insightful,
 SERIES EDITOR FOREWORD xv

comprehensive and – rare for a professional volume – moving and

beautifully written. I am sure that you will find the same to be true.

Darcy Harris, PhD

Professor
Thanatology Department
King’s University College at
Western University and Co-Editor
Routledge Series in Death,
Dying, and Bereavement
 PREFACE TO THE SECOND EDITION

The first edition of Attachment Informed Grief Therapy grew out of a

conference presentation that John Jordan and I made in 2012. In that
presentation, we introduced our ideas about attachment theory as a
framework for understanding peoples’ response to loss and as a guide to
interventions for working with the bereaved. At the end of the presentation,
we were approached by our colleague Robert Neimeyer, who asked if we had
considered writing a book on this topic.
In setting out to write the book we were motivated by the idea that
integrating three distinct, but interrelated areas of research and theory had the
potential to expand our understanding of grief and grief therapy. Our goal
was to highlight the intersection of attachment theory, neuroscience, and
contemporary grief models, and in so doing to demonstrate how, taken
together, these bodies of knowledge shed light on questions that have been at
the center of the field of death and dying since its inception. In particular, we
sought to untangle the question of what complicates grief: how can we
account for the extreme diversity of responses to loss, which ranges from
sadness and longing to the kind of prolonged and intense suffering that many
have argued merits the assignment of a clinical diagnosis? How can we
identify grieving people who are likely to need professional help, and how are
we to know what kind of help they need? These are questions that are at the
front of mind for clinicians, many of whom responded with enthusiasm to the
first edition of Attachment Informed Grief Therapy (Routledge, 2016). That
 PREFACE TO THE SECOND EDITION xvii

response, and our awareness of the many extensions and updates to the core
ideas presented in the book, provided the impetus for this second edition.
Over the course of the two years spent preparing this second edition,
while we have done our best to keep up with publications addressed to
attachment, neuroscience, grief, and the integration of one or more of these
areas of theory, research, and practice, we are bound to have overlooked
advances that will be evident to specialists in any one of these fields. We
regret any oversights or oversimplifications. We hope that what we present
from each of these three domains is enough to demonstrate the many
points at which they intersect. Most of all, we hope that readers with an
interest in bereavement will be excited, as we have been, to discover work
in areas outside of their usual purview that have tremendous potential for
enriching our understanding of grief and grief therapy.
The organizing principle of our book, which has not changed in the
current volume, is that when we look at contemporary attachment theory,
current models of grief, and findings about how the brain develops and
how it functions, what we see is a convergence that serves to deepen our
understanding of grief and its complications. Grief, we know, is a response
to the loss of something precious to which we are emotionally attached. In
general usage, grief refers particularly to the loss of a significant love
relationship, usually through the death of that person, although it has long
been understood that other types of interpersonal loss also produce a grief
like response (Parkes, 2013).
Both of us enjoy sharing our ideas with colleagues and we continued to do
so through the pandemic, although these presentations had to be made
virtually rather than in person due to travel restrictions. While we prefer to
meet face to face, we were nonetheless glad to be able to stay connected to
professionals here in the U.S. and throughout the world. Interaction with our
colleagues working in the field is what inspires us to deepen our knowledge
and to find ways to bridge theory and practice. We hope that readers will find,
within these pages, new insights about grief and grief therapy that will enrich
their base of knowledge, strengthen their commitment to helping grieving
people, and contribute to their confidence as healing professionals.
 ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

Phyllis S. Kosminsky
The field of death and dying attracts some wonderful people, and many of
them have had a hand in bringing this book to completion. First on the list
is Robert Neimeyer, who suggested we think about writing a book after
hearing us give a presentation on attachment and loss at a meeting in 2011.
That meeting was part of the annual conference of the Association of
Death Education and Counseling, an organization that has been pivotal in
my professional development. It was through my membership in ADEC
that I met my co-author. Jack’s skill as a clinician, particularly with suicide
survivors, and his dedication to supporting the development of services for
this population made for a very full plate when we began all of this a
decade ago, and I am deeply appreciative of his willingness to be my
partner in this project.
It is impossible to measure the contributions of colleagues with whom I
have enjoyed years of conversation on many of the subjects discussed in
this book. These include, but are no means limited to, all of my friends in
ADEC and in the International Working Group on Bereavement and
Loss, as well as my long-time colleagues at the Center for Hope/Family
Centers. Thanks to Christopher Hall, whose invitation to deliver a paper in
Australia was a great incentive for me to get my thoughts in order. Special
thanks to Dr. Mary Vachon, who read and commented on several early
drafts of the manuscript for the second edition. Her support and feedback
helped me over the hurdle of beginning.
 ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS xix

The editorial staff at Routledge has been consistently available and helpful
with all of our questions and concerns. Special thanks to Anna Moore and
Georgina Clutterbuck for their diligence and patience throughout the
publication process.
It is traditional for writers to thank family members for their love and
support, and I have received plenty of both from my husband Jay and my
children, Lily and Eli. Since publication of the first edition, our family has
gained two new members and I have gained access (along with additional
love and support) to additional technical assistance and medical expertise.
Thank you, Eli and Yuliya Kosminsky, and Drs. Lily and Sam Eisenberg
for your expert – and kind - help with all things technical and medical. I
seriously couldn’t have done it without you. For the second edition of this
book my husband Jay once again assumed his roles of first reader, first
editor, and first re-writer, along with his most important role, which is
loving me.
Without my clients I would not have my work, and I could not have
written this book. Although I have taken pains not to identify them in the
text, they know their stories and will no doubt recognize bits of them in
these pages. To all of them: thank you for letting me share something of
your journey with others. Most of all, though, thank you for allowing me
to journey with you. Stories of loss are also stories of love. Every bereaved
person is someone who has allowed themselves to be open to others, to risk
being attached. They are some of the that most interesting, most
courageous and most alive people I have had the privilege to know.
My father Jay Glick was, and continues to be, a source of strength,
comfort, and inspiration for me. Thanks for everything, Dad.

John R. Jordan, Ph.D.

There are always too many people to thank for their impact and influence in
bringing a project like this book to fruition. I can only mention a few of them
here. First, my co-author, Phyllis Kosminsky, has been a wonderful
collaborator on this book. When Phyllis and I discovered that we shared a
mutual interest in attachment theory and interpersonal neuroscience, and
that our thinking was remarkably in synch about the clinical implications of
these important bodies of theory and research for grief therapy, we were off
and running. The mutual learning and excitement that our conversations
have generated has never faded, and we both hope that the reader will feel
some of that energy as you read the book. Phyllis is an empathic soul, a
gifted clinician, and an insightful thinker, and it has been my pleasure to
share this journey with her.
Bob Neimeyer, the Editor of this Series, has been a long time mentor,
colleague, role model, and friend of mine. His support of this book, and his
general dedication to serving the needs of all people who are bereaved,
xx ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

have been and continue to be an inspiration to me. My many, many

colleagues and friends in Association for Death Education and Counseling,
and in the International Workgroup on Death, Dying, and Bereavement,
have also been instrumental in the development of my thinking about these
topics. It is because of the magnificent support and sharing that both of
these organizations foster that I became a grief therapist early in my career,
and I have never wanted to do anything else with my professional life.
Likewise, in addition to my own experiences of loss, my true teachers
about bereavement have been my clients. Their courage in facing the
reality of their own loss, their openness in sharing their pain with me, and
their willingness to allow me to serve as a transitional attachment figure at
a very difficult time in their lives, have formed the real foundation for the
content of this book.
Finally, I want to thank the people who have served as attachment figures
in my own life. My children, Kate and John, are amazing, and are pursuing
their own versions of service to others in their chosen paths in life. Their gift
to me has been the privilege of being their father, and watching them
blossom as they move into the world. My wife, Mary Ruby, has truly served
as my secure base and safe haven for nearly fifty years – my gratitude for
her patience with me, and my not infrequent bouts of frustration and
complaining about the process of writing books, is boundless. And last but
not least, the devotion to each other and to their children that my parents
showed me growing up has been my template for family life even to this very
day. My father’s death in 1974 was too early in our relationship, but it was
the pivotal loss in my own life that started me down the path of grief
counseling. And my mother’s ability to overcome the many adversities of her
childhood and go on to become a loving wife and mother could not have
served as a better model of “earned security” - my understanding of human
resilience in the face of loss has its roots in her story. To both of them, I owe
so much - including the insights that have allowed me to produce this book
with Phyllis.
 INTRODUCTION

As psychotherapists, we have devoted a good part of our professional lives

to understanding the nature of grief and caring for people who are
bereaved. At the same time, we have worked to come to terms with our
own personal losses. Experiences and lessons from these two domains, the
professional and the personal, have each in their own way contributed to
the evolution of our thinking about the importance of attachment in life
and the emotional and physical impact of loss. The questions that interest
us – questions about love, loss, and healing – have occupied many other
minds over the centuries, so on the one hand, there may be little that can be
said about these subjects that is entirely new. On the other hand, devel-
opments in attachment theory, along with the burgeoning field of neuro-
science that now underpins it, suggest to us new and compelling ways of
thinking about these questions.
In what amounts to a kind of professional awakening for both of us,
attachment theory has become integral to our work as grief therapists. We find
ourselves incorporating insights from attachment theory and neuroscience
into our work regularly, as it informs both our “macro” understanding of
how our clients cope with their losses, and our “micro” understanding of what
we are doing and why we are doing it in the moment-to-moment flow of grief
therapy-
Insights from attachment theory have also helped us understand the
meaning of our own losses. We each had a parent die early in our lives;
PSK lost her mother at the age of 9, and JRJ lost his father at the age of 26;
and we each lost our surviving parent in the two years prior to writing the

DOI: 10.4324/9781003204183-1
2 INTRODUCTION

first edition of book. Attachment theory has significantly enhanced our

understanding of our own reactions to loss, helping us to see the normality
and universality of our own lifelong mourning processes. Our interest in
attachment theory thus arises from a sense that this theoretical model has
served us well in both in our professional and personal lives.

OTHER TRADITIONS THAT HAVE INFLUENCED OUR

APPROACH
In addition to attachment theory, which forms the conceptual heart of this
book, we have been influenced by several other intellectual streams. One of
these streams is the development of interpersonal neuroscience. The
remarkable surge in knowledge about the brain has seen the application of
contemporary neuroscience to the understanding of all types of human
relations, from romantic attachments to parenting to psychotherapy
(Schore, 2012, 2019; Siegel, 2010, 2012, 2020). Another influence is trau-
matology, and the clinical advances that have helped us better understand
the impact of traumatic events in people’s lives, including early relational
trauma at the hands of caregivers and traumatic bereavement in the course
of adult lives (Allen, 2013; Herzog & Schmahl, 2018; Nelson & Gabard-
Durnam, 2020). Lastly, we have been influenced by the changes that have
emerged in the practice of general psychotherapy. Modern psychodynamic
approaches, which have been powerfully influenced by attachment theory,
offer a way to understand both the problems that clients bring to treatment
and the role of the therapeutic alliance in promoting healing and bringing
about change (Norcross & Lambert, 2018; Obegi & Berant, 2010; Schore,
2019). Developments in these fields of inquiry have gradually made their
way into the grief theory and research literature (Mikulincer & Shaver,
2008b; 2013; Smigelsky et al., 2019; O’Connor, 2019) and have been
incorporated into recommendations on the practice of grief therapy
(Sekowski & Prigerson, 2022; Shear & Gribbin Bloom, 2017).

ORGANIZATION OF THE BOOK

Attachment Informed Grief Therapy is divided into three broad sections. In
Part I, we discuss the roots of attachment theory and describe its evolution
from a theory of infant development to what Allan Schore has described as a
“theory of regulation” (Schore, 2003a, 2003b). Chapter 1 introduces
Bowlby’s theoretical work and supportive research by the American psy-
chologist Mary Ainsworth. In what was then a radical turn from psycho-
analytic theory, John Bowlby put forward the idea of an inborn and
biologically based attachment system that directs infants to seek proximity to
their caregivers when distressed or hurt (Bowlby, 1982). Bowlby’s thinking
about attachment has become the basis for a remarkable and robust
 INTRODUCTION 3

tradition of empirical research that continues to this day (Mikulincer &

Shaver, 2017; Siegel, 2020).
The sustained appeal of Bowlby’s core concepts is about more than
intellectual curiosity and theory building: something about the idea that we
as humans have a fundamental need for secure connection to others just
feels right and helps us understand much of what we see in our own re-
lationships, and those of our clients. We are drawn to the theory because it
says something about our human nature that we intuitively believe to be
true. That being said, Bowlby’s ideas have not been without their critics.
The exhaustively researched volume Cornerstones of Attachment Theory
(Duschinsky, 2020) has made available a mother lode of new documen-
tation that reveals the fine points of arguments and counterarguments
about the utility and validity of attachment theory.
In Chapter 2 we trace the extension of attachment theory into the study
of child, and then adult development and functioning in close relation-
ships. Mary Main, a researcher in developmental psychology, advanced the
field of attachment studies through the creation of the Adult Attachment
Interview, a research method that has been widely used to identify the
attachment orientation of adults (Main, Goldwyn, & Hesse, 1998; Main,
Hesse, & Goldwyn, 2008). At about the same time, Peter Fonagy and his
team introduced the concept of mentalization, the ability to think about
our own and other people’s behavior in terms of inner feelings, needs,
and psychological defenses (Fonagy et al., 2002). The concept of men-
talization has been extended to emphasize the importance of epistemic
trust – the ability to take in and accept new information from others and
from the world at large (Fonagy et al., 2014). Simply put, epistemic trust
is what makes learning possible. In line with the view that grief is a
process that involves relearning the world (Attig, 2011; Neimeyer, 2001,
2009), we propose that epistemic trust is a useful concept in our under-
standing of the value of grief therapy and in how we approach work with
the bereaved.
In keeping with available research and our experience as clinicians, we
have laid a strong emphasis on the importance of emotion regulatory
capacity as a factor in how people cope with loss (Kosminsky & Jordan,
2016). We review research that has substantiated the role of emotion
regulation in grief, and deficits in emotion regulation as a contributing
factor to complicated grief.
Developments in research and theory in the social psychology tradition
of attachment studies are also reviewed in Chapter 2 (Mikulincer and
Shaver, 2017; Fraley & Roisman, 2019). With a focus on adult romantic
relationships, social psychology research employs a different approach to
instrumentation and measurement than developmental psychology, which
is the focus of Chapter 3. While some writers have been critical of the lack
of consistency in findings from these two branches of attachment research,
4 INTRODUCTION

Duschinsky (2020) sees it as an unavoidable consequence of the divergent

goals of questions being addressed and the methods employed.
Chapter 3 introduces the role of early attachment experience in the
development of the child’s capacity to maintain emotional equilibrium and
to recover from emotional upset. Evidence concerning the lasting effects of
early relational trauma has continued to mount, and the importance of
emotion regulation as a factor in adaptation to loss has been supported by
a substantial body of recent research. This research makes it clear that
emotion regulation plays a large part in a variety of mental health prob-
lems, including adaptation to loss. Likewise, there is research related to
the role of early relational trauma in complicated grief, as for example
demonstrated by recent studies linking scores on the ACES (Adverse
Childhood Experiences Scale) to complications in grief. These findings
are two examples of research that has significant implications for our
understanding of complicated grief and its treatment.
The work of theorists and researchers in the field of interpersonal
neuroscience has strengthened the scientific foundation of attachment
theory (Cozolino, 2017; Schore, 2019; Siegel, 2020). This chapter has been
revised to include research made possible by technological advances that
give us a clearer picture of the development, organization and functioning
of the brain. Of particular clinical interest is the emergent focus of neu-
roscience research on “brain to brain” communication. Chapter 3, together
with the preceding chapters on the evolution of attachment theory in
developmental and social psychology, provides an empirical underpinning
for the theoretical and clinical material presented in the rest of the book.
In Part II we set forth our thinking about the integration of attachment
theory into the field of thanatology and the practice of grief therapy. In
Chapter 4 we review two models of the mourning process that have par-
ticular resonance with attachment theory: the Dual Process Model of
Bereavement (Stroebe & Schut, 2010, 2016) and the Two Track Model of
Bereavement (Rubin et al., 2011, 2012). We discuss theory and research
concerning the role of insecure attachment in problematic grief and the
implications of variations in attachment orientation for the practice of grief
therapy. Attention is given here to Stroebe and Schut’s recent introduction
of the concept of “grief overload”, to refer to cases in which the weight and
number of losses suffered intensifies grief and interferes with the process of
healing as described by the model (Stroebe & Schut, 2016).
In Chapter 5, we explore the impact of the relationship with the deceased
as a significant factor influencing the trajectory of bereavement. This
includes both the kinship relationship (partner loss, child loss, etc.), and
the nature of the ongoing internal relationship with the loved one after the
death, i.e. their continuing bond with the deceased. We also suggest the need
to expand our analysis of the relationship between attachment and loss.
Bowlby’s ideas were developed on the basis of observations of the reactions
 INTRODUCTION 5

of children who have been separated from their attachment figure(s). This
model applies to some losses, but not to others. In particular, it does not
adequately explain the grief, helplessness, and guilt of parents who lose a
child. These responses, we propose, are related to the loss of the parent’s role
as their child’s caregiver.
Chapter 6 looks at the mediating effect of the nature of the death on
how people respond to loss. Here we focus on the effects of traumatic
bereavement – the death of a loved one in a sudden, unexpected, and often
violent fashion – on how the mourner responds and how they cope. We
discuss the nature of trauma in general, including some of the neuro-
biology of the trauma response. We also discuss traumatic death from an
attachment theory perspective by exploring the impact of dysregulation of
affect and meaning making after traumatic deaths. These become major
foci of clinical work in attachment informed grief therapy.
In Part III, we bring together all of the aforementioned information
about attachment theory, neuroscience and bereavement in order to
illustrate how this material can be of use to clinicians who provide grief
therapy. Chapter 7 is a presentation of our own conceptualization of
attachment informed grief therapy. This chapter includes a working
definition of attachment informed grief therapy, and a clear explication
of our assumptions about attachment, grief, and complicated grief. We
then outline what we regard as the key components of attachment in-
formed grief therapy and their importance in helping bereaved clients to
heal, starting with the therapeutic relationship and including interven-
tions to strengthen emotional self-regulation, restore or strengthen the
capacity for meaning making, and facilitating the integration of new
information and skills. These components are discussed in greater depth
in Chapters 8–10.
In Chapter 8, we discuss the specific features that make for a strong
therapeutic alliance in grief therapy, and also elaborate on what makes this
relationship particularly important in work with the bereaved. In this
chapter we also identify and describe five core capacities that we believe
grief therapists need to have in order to foster an effective working alliance
with bereaved clients. Chapter 9 concentrates on strengthening affect
regulation in bereavement recovery and includes case examples and sug-
gestions regarding specific techniques that can be used with clients to help
them recognize and manage their grief related emotions. Chapter 10
continues the discussion of attachment informed techniques, illustrating
the central role of meaning reconstruction in grief therapy and demon-
strating the linkage between the ability to make meaning and the ability
to mentalize. We conclude the book by commenting on the convergence
of theory, research and practice in the fields of thanatology, attachment,
and neuroscience, and identifying what we see as the rich potential for
communication and collaboration going forward.
6 INTRODUCTION

WHAT THIS BOOK IS, AND WHAT IT IS NOT

Attachment Informed Grief Therapy is not a book about a new model of
therapy, or even a new protocol or set of techniques for grief therapy.
Indeed, most of the ideas in the book have been drawn from what others
are writing about in the more general psychotherapy literature. Likewise,
most of the techniques are “agnostic” – that is, they do not belong to any
particular school or approach to therapy or grief therapy. What we have
tried to do here is to weave together ideas from several important clinical
frontiers in psychotherapy, along with our combined experience as long-
time grief counselors, to offer a way of understanding grief and grief
therapy that will be useful to others who are doing the same work.
It is worth noting that we see differences between therapy that focuses
on chronic attachment based problems in interpersonal relationships
(Holmes, 2001, 2010, 2013; Wallin, 2007), and the practice of attachment
informed grief therapy. These differences are inherent in the presenting
problem of bereavement. Unlike dysfunctional attachment related patterns
of thinking, feeling, and behaving that have their roots in early neglect,
abuse, or trauma, the typical individual presenting for grief therapy has a
real-time emotional injury, usually in the relatively recent past. It is diffi-
culty in managing their response to this event that is usually the focus of
treatment. This is not to say that addressing characterological issues is
something outside the 3.1 scope of grief therapy. On the contrary, we spend
a considerable amount of time working on these issues with clients, and we
devote a good portion of this book to illustrating how bereavement is
influenced by these difficulties. However, we also believe that clinicians
must understand that the person in front of them is grappling with a real
and unalterable challenge – the now permanent separation from someone
who was important to the client. Ultimately, the goal of grief therapy is an
adjustment to and acceptance of that change.
Another difference between grief therapy and conventional psycho-
dynamic psychotherapy is the use of transference and countertransference.
Specifically, while we propose that the relationship between therapist and
client is paramount in both types of therapy, an explicit focus on the patient’s
transference is a significantly less frequent occurrence in grief therapy than
in other types of psychotherapy, particularly psychodynamically-oriented
treatment.
It is also worth noting here the distinction made by Worden many years
ago between grief counseling and grief therapy. Worden regarded grief
counseling as primarily referring to the supportive type of interventions
suitable for mild to moderate bereavement related problems, and grief
therapy to more intensive treatment for what has been called complicated
grief (Worden, 1982, 2009, 2018) or more recently, prolonged grief
disorder (DSMV-R). In the interest of simplicity, and because many of the
 INTRODUCTION 7

examples provided in this book refer to complicated grief that has its roots
in early attachment related dysfunction, we will use the term grief therapy
throughout this book.
We also want to be clear about the extensive use of case material in our
book. Of course, all of our case examples have been modified to protect the
confidentiality of the individuals who are discussed. Some of the cases are,
in fact, a composite of several people with whom we have worked, distilled
into a single vignette that illustrates the ideas being discussed. Also, the
gender of the client and the gender of the therapist have sometimes been
changed. Readers should not assume that when the vignette refers to “she”
it is referring to the first author, or “he” to the second. In some cases, the
identity of the clinician in the vignette is indicated.
To conclude, what we present here as an attachment informed approach
to orientation to grief therapy is not meant to replace or supersede other
approaches to grief therapy. Instead, our focus is on the value of adding
attachment theory to our understanding of the practice of grief therapy.
Our goal is not to reinvent grief therapy, but rather to expand the reader’s
ways of understanding their bereaved clients, and the work they do with
those clients. We believe that knowing something about how a person has
learned to relate to others, and tuning into the hopes, expectations and
needs that shape their attachments, can help us foster a healing experience
for the bereaved person. It is our hope that what we share in this volume
will provide the reader with a new lens through which to consider the
nature of grief and the practice of grief therapy.
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