Revising and Proofreading

Business Messages

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 Revising and Proofreading

 Revising: Improving content and sentence

structure. May involve adding, cutting,
recasting.
 Proofreading: Correcting grammar, spelling,
punctuation, format, and mechanics.

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 Concise Wording

Revise your messages to eliminate wordiness.

Instead of this: Try this:

We are of the opinion that We think
Please feel free to Please
In addition to the above Also
At this point in time Now
Despite the fact that Although

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 Wordy Prepositional Phrases

Instead of this: Try this:

We don’t as a general rule We don’t generally cash
cash personal cheques. personal cheques.
Students in very few
instances receive parking Students seldom receive
tickets. parking tickets.
She calls meetings on a
monthly basis. She calls monthly
meetings.

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 Long Lead-Ins

Instead of this: Try this:

This memo is to inform All employees meet
you that all employees today.
meet today.
I am writing this letter to Thanks to everyone who
say thanks to everyone voted.
who voted.

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 Outdated Expressions

Outdated: Modern:
as per your request at your request
pursuant to your request at your request
attached hereunto attached
under separate cover separately

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 Needless Adverbs

To sound more credible and to streamline your

writing, omit adverbs such as definitely, quite,
really, actually, and so forth.
Instead of this: Try this:
The manager is actually The manager is pleased
quite pleased with your with your proposal
proposal because the because the plan is
plan is definitely workable.
workable.
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 Fillers

Revise sentences to avoid fillers such as there

and it when used merely to take up space.

Instead of this: Try this:

There are two employees Two employees should
who should be be promoted.
promoted.
It was Lisa and Jeff who Lisa and Jeff were
were singled out. singled out.

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 Try Your Skill

Revise the following sentence to avoid a

long lead-in, wordy prepositional phrase,
outdated expression, needless adverb,
filler, and/or other forms of wordiness.
 This e-mail message is to inform you that in all
probability we will actually finish in two weeks.
We will probably finish in two weeks.

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 Try Your Skill

Revise the following sentence to avoid a

long lead-in, wordy prepositional phrase,
outdated expression, needless adverb,
filler, and/or other forms of wordiness.
 There are many brokers who are quite certain
that these stocks are completely safe.
Many brokers are certain that these stocks are
safe.

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 Try Your Skill

Revise the following sentence to avoid a

long lead-in, wordy prepositional phrase,
outdated expression, needless adverb,
filler, and/or other forms of wordiness.
 Pursuant to your request, there are two
contracts that are attached hereto.
As you requested, two contracts are attached.

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 Try Your Skill

Revise the following sentence to avoid a

long lead-in, wordy prepositional phrase,
outdated expression, needless adverb,
filler, and/or other forms of wordiness.
 All employees are hereby informed that as a
general rule computers may not be used for
personal activities.
Generally, employees may not use computers for
personal activities.

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 Redundant Words

Avoid unnecessarily repetitious words. What

words could be omitted in these expressions?
advance warning necessary requisite
close proximity new beginning
exactly identical past history
filled to capacity refer back
final outcome thought and consideration

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 Jargon

Avoid technical terms and special terminology that

readers would not recognize.
Computer jargon: Alternative language:
queue list of documents waiting to
be printed
export transfer data from one
program to another
bandwidth Internet capacity

Is jargon ever permissible?

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 Slang

Avoid slang (informal expressions with arbitrary

or extravagantly changed meanings).
clueless unaware, naïve
turkey someone stupid or silly
chill/chill out relax

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 Clichés

Avoid clichés (overused expressions). Substitute

more precise words.
Last but not least, you Finally, you should work
should keep your nose to diligently.
the grindstone.
We had reached the end We could go no farther.
of our rope.

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 Try Your Skill

Revise the following sentence to avoid

slang, clichés, and redundancies.
 Last but not least, the accountant referred back
to an exactly identical case.
Finally, the accountant referred to an identical
case.

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 Try Your Skill

Revise the following sentence to avoid

slang, clichés, and redundancies.
 With a little advance warning, we could have
sold out before our stocks tanked.
With warning, we could have sold out before our
stocks hit bottom.

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 Try Your Skill

Revise the following sentence to avoid

slang, clichés, and redundancies.
 Ms. Miller, who shoots straight from the hip,
demanded final completion by January 1.
Ms. Miller, who is straightforward, demanded
completion by January 1.

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 Precise Verbs

 Revise your writing to include precise verbs

instead of general, lackluster, all-purpose ones.
Market researchers said that profits would improve.
What more precise verbs could replace said?
Market researchers forecasted improved profits.
Market researchers promised improved profits.
Market researchers predicted improved profits.

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 Precise Verbs

 Revise verbs that have been converted to nouns.

The manager came to the realization that
telecommuting made sense.
The manager realized that telecommuting made sense.
An application must be made by the job seeker.
The job seeker must apply.

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 Precise Verbs

 TIP: Look for words ending in tion or

ment. Could they be more efficiently and
forcefully converted to verbs?

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 Try Your Skill

Revise the following sentence using more

precise verbs.
 The seller said she would contact you.
The seller promised to e-mail [telephone or fax]
you.

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 Try Your Skill

Revise the following sentence describing

the action using a verb.
 We must give encouragement to our team.
We must encourage our team.

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 Try Your Skill

Revise the following sentence describing

the action using a verb.
 Have you made an application for employment?
Have you applied for employment?

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 Try Your Skill

Revise the following sentence describing

the action using a verb.
 A duty of the general manager is the calculation
of monthly sales.
The general manager calculates monthly sales.

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 Try Your Skill

Revise the following sentence describing

the action using a verb.
 The establishment of new methods was effected
by Kevin.
Kevin established new methods.

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 Concrete Nouns

Revise your writing to include specific,

concrete nouns instead of general, abstract
ones.
The man asked for a raise.
Jeff Jones asked for a 10 percent salary increase.

An employee presented a proposal.

Kelly Keeler, production manager, presented a plan to
stagger hours.

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 Vivid Adjectives

Revise your writing to include descriptive,

dynamic adjectives instead of overworked, all-
purpose ones.
The report was good.
The report was persuasive (or detailed, original,
thorough, painstaking, complete, comprehensive).

The report was bad.

(Possible revisions?)

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 What to Watch for in
Proofreading

Spelling
Grammar
Punctuation
Names and numbers
Format

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 How to Proofread Complex
Documents
 Allow adequate time.
 Print a copy, preferably double-spaced.
 Be prepared to find errors.
 Read once for meaning and once for
grammar/mechanics.
 Reduce your reading speed.

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 How to Proofread Complex
Documents
For documents that must be perfect:
 Have someone read aloud the original while
someone else checks the printout.
 Spell names.
 Spell difficult words.
 Note capitalization.
 Note punctuation.

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 End

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