Applications User found the perfect formula to make Excel misbehave For once, Oracle ERP wasn’t the problem
Networks To fix this Wi-Fi network, we'll need a crane Won't somebody think of the children not being hit by a load of building materials?
Networks Support tech caught by 'Technician Aura': the bug that only hides when you're watching All that kit, and the fix was simply stepping aside
Columnists Tech support chap's boss got him out of jail so he could finish a job The right person for the job didn't have the right passport for the job
Columnists Contractor quaffed his way through Y2K compliance while the client scowled Discovered once last bug, and that briefcases can hold more beer than you might imagine
On-Prem Engineer sabotaged hardware then complained when it didn't work The 600 km drive to fix the mess was a special treat
On-Prem While you're here, could you go out of your way to do an impossible job? He would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for a meddling security team's fear of USB
On-Prem Blustering Blackbeard's PC was all at sea, sysadmin got him shipshape in seconds Have you tried turning it on, never mind off and on again?
On-Prem Techie was given strict instructions not to disrupt client. Then he touched one box and the lights went out Discovering, and explaining, the bizarre cause was harder than the job he was sent to do
On-Prem Engineer held hostage by client who asked for the wrong fix 'I was no longer field support. I was collateral'
On-Prem Desktop tech sent to prison for an education on strange places to put tattoos And a very awkward introduction to workplace culture
On-Prem Enforcing piracy policy earned helpdesk worker death threats Years later, he read about his antagonist doing time for murder
Software New hire fixed a problem so fast, their boss left to become a yoga instructor Poking around in deep menus found a fault that flummoxed old hands
Databases In-house techies fixed faults before outsourced help even noticed they'd happened 60-minute SLA was effectively useless and the contractor admitted it
Personal Tech Tech support detective solved PC crime by looking in the carpark Overnight action made for a sticky situation in the candy factory
On-Prem Engineer used welding shop air hose to 'clean' PCs – hilarity did not ensue How not to maintain computers
Security Help desk read irrelevant script, so techies found and fixed their own problem As you should, when being told the only remedy is deleting everything and starting again
Columnists The Y2K bug delayed my honeymoon … by 17 years! More tales of apocalypse avoided - including in an animal testing lab - and the hard work that made that possible
Columnists When the lights went out, and the shooting started, Y2K started to feel all too real More millennial tech support tales from your fellow readers
Columnists IT team forced to camp in the office for days after Y2K bug found in boss's side project The lack of trust that leads to outsourcing can be expensive
Networks User found two reasons – both of them wrong – to dispute tech support's diagnosis Hey, teacher, leave that cabling alone
Storage User insisted their screen was blank, until admitting it wasn't Getting that confession took hours, during which L1 and L2 support gave up
Applications Vendor's secret 'fix' made critical app unusable during business hours Medical software maker also had a vastly unhealthy approach to security
Networks Cabling survived dungeons and fish factories, until a lazy user took the network down A quick squeeze of the crimper saved the day ... and a career
Columnists Linux admin hated downtime so much he schlepped a live UPS during office move Somewhat daft scheme worked until it didn’t
Applications Developer battled to write his own documentation, but lost the boss fight Org chart games were more important than speed and accuracy
Networks Help desk boss fell for ‘Internet Cleaning Day’ prank - then swore he got the joke Lost packets would be cleaned out of routers, dead gopher servers would be pulled out of holes …
Columnists Actor couldn’t understand why computer didn’t work when the curtain came down When tech support collides with Halloween, the results are scary
Columnists New boss took charge of project code and sent two billion unwanted emails Techie summoned at 02:00 AM to sort things out sent another 2 billion trying to fix it
Networks 'Fax virus' panicked a manager and sparked job-killing Reply-All incident The 1990s called with a reminder that in the time before ransomware, infosec panics could be quite quaint
Channel Client defended engineer after oil baron-turned tech support entrepreneur lied about dodgy dealings Reputations earned over years of service can work wonders
Databases Energy drink company punished ERP graybeard for going too fast Cool kids drank the aggressive micro-management Kool-Aid
On-Prem Hardware inspector fired for spotting an error he wasn't trained to find Manager's quality control priorities were upside down
Applications Word to the wise: Don't tell your IT manager they're not in Excel Contractor sneakily fired after pointing out odious ignorance
Networks ‘IT manager’ needed tech support because they had never heard of a command line Traceroute was also a mystery to this mountebank
Networks Techie ended vendor/client blame game by treating managers like toddlers Bickering continued despite mess putting cancer patients at risk
Columnists Techie fooled a panicked daemon and manipulated time itself to get servers in sync Network Time Protocol sometimes needs help from a temporal cops
Columnists Basic projector repair job turns into armed encounter at secret bunker Escort's forgotten cap left techie facing rifles and a debrief
Networks Sysadmin cured a medical mystery by shifting a single cable Somebody built a very sick network in the bowels of a hospital
Columnists Tech support team won pay rise for teaching customers how to RTFM Documentation was so substantial, staff measured it in feet
On-Prem Servers hated Mondays until techie quit quaffing coffee in their company Unix boxes needed a hotfix to survive early morning cold boots
Personal Tech Problem PC had graybeards stumped until trainee rummaged through trash Evidence of copious sugar hits hinted at unauthorized usage
Columnists ‘I nearly died after flying thousands of miles to install a power cord for the NSA’ This job was a car wreck in more than one way
Security Security company hired a used car salesman to build a website, and it didn't end well First came the dodgy lawyer, then the explosively angry HR person, leaving a whistleblower techie to save his career
Personal Tech 'Trained monkey' from tech support saved know-it-all manager's mistake with a single keypress Righteous mockery entranced execs in ways slideware could not
On-Prem Don't shoot me, I'm only the system administrator! When police come to investigate tech support, make sure you have your story straight
Columnists Techie traveled 4 hours to fix software that worked perfectly until a new hire used it Sometimes the 'R' in RTFM stands for 'Remember'
Personal Tech User demanded a 'wireless' computer and was outraged when its battery died Abusive manager had to be told there's no such thing as an atomic laptop
Networks Techie traced cables from basement to maternity ward and onto a roof, before a car crash revealed the problem Doctor? Why does this hospital network run in such strange places?
On-Prem Techie fixed a ‘brown monitor’ by closing a door for a doctor After three service calls, user reflected on their utter stupidity
Personal Tech User unboxed a PC so badly it 'broke' and only a nail file could fix it For once, the IT department was rewarded for finding the fix, and the perfect-if-unexpected fixer
Applications Dilettante dev wrote rubbish, left no logs, and had no idea why his app wasn't working Self-taught coders who work in HR and have a doctorate in English tend to do that
Personal Tech People find amazing ways to break computers. Cats are even more creative PC repair chap turned pet detective to diagnose the defective
On-Prem Techie solved supposed software problem by waving his arms in the air Used his loaf and found sweet solution for bakery borkage
OSes Need a Linux admin? Ask a hair stylist to introduce you to a worried mother Lad who 'stays in his bedroom on his computer' emerged ready to deliver brilliant tech support
Columnists Users hated a new app – maybe so much they filed a fake support call Sysadmin sent on road trip that required a lot of time doing nothing
Personal Tech How do you explain what magnetic fields do to monitors to people wearing bowling shoes? Techie demoed the effect in about 3 seconds, as On Call again tries to break tech-support world records
Disaster Recovery Week To avoid disaster-recovery disasters, learn from Reg readers' experiences Nobody’s tested the tapes this decade, thinks to back up the Recycle Bin, or takes care when using rm
Personal Tech Tech support session saved files, but probably ended a marriage Self-described 'visionary' made life hell for our hero, then some oily vids returned the favor
On-Prem Weeks with a BBC Micro? Good enough to fix a mainframe, apparently With only BASIC knowledge to fall back on, and a typing pool in tears, the OFF switch looked very attractive
Personal Tech User complained his mouse wasn’t working. But he wasn’t using a mouse The same chap also caused a bomb scare in a missile factory
Software Glitchy taxi tech blew cover on steamy dispatch dalliance When 'pickup' means more than just a ride
Storage One stupid keystroke exposed sysadmin to inappropriate information he could not unsee Turns out you can be too careful checking that backups worked
Storage DIMM techies weren’t allowed to leave the building until proven to not be pilferers Who knew a script could make RAM re-appear?
Storage Techie cleaned up criminally bad tech support that was probably also an actual crime Outsourcing is not supposed to involve taking clients' hardware out of their building to your house
Storage I was told to make backups, not test them. Why does that make you look so worried? Shabby admin invented 'transparent tape' – a terrible storage medium but a magic tool for unlocking IT budgets
On-Prem Arrr! Can a sailor's marlinspike fix a busted backplane? 'Ancient mariner' who came to make the fix in historical costume was such a shock nobody made a pirate joke
Personal Tech User said he did nothing that explained his dead PC – does a new motherboard count? Then suggested a bloke down the pub might be able to help fix it
Storage Tech support fill-in given no budget, no help, no training, and no empathy for his plight Fixed the problem anyway – with no approval for a purchase and no permission to use a device
SaaS Devs sent into security panic by 'feature that was helpful … until it wasn't' Screenshot showed it wasn't a possible attack – unless you qualify everything Google does as a threat
On-Prem Tech support warrior left cosplay battle and Trekked to the office Set aside the bat'leth to fix trivial problem for p'takh
On-Prem After a long lunch, user thought a cursor meant their computer was cactus Reg-reading heroes snacked on their woes and solved problems with extreme speed
Software Techie fluked a fix and found himself the abusive boss's best friend And there his troubles began …
Networks Backup failed, but the boss didn't slam IT – because his son was to blame ISP deserves criticism too for falling over after script kiddie beefing
On-Prem No, I can't help – you called the wrong helpdesk, in the wrong place, for the wrong platform Call the boss instead. He's not a big fan of sleep
Networks Tech support chap showed boss how to use a browser for a year – he still didn't get it Every time he needed help, he'd use a loudspeaker to ask for it
On-Prem Techie left 'For support, contact me' sign on a server. Twenty years later, someone did A certain very famous PC manufacturer may not be very good at documenting its legacy tech
On-Prem That hardware will be more reliable if you stop stabbing it all day Knives and lasers don't mix … until they do
On-Prem Tech support world record? 8.5 seconds from seeing to fixing Your very fastest resolution, delivered in a flash – even in The Time Before Google
On-Prem Hide the keyboard – it's the only way to keep this software running Lunch can be surprisingly dangerous. So can tea
Software Your computer's not working? Sure, I can fix that problem – which I caused Not paying what you agreed for a job can prove expensive in the long run
Networks Yes, your network is down – you annoyed us so much we crashed it If you bluff your way out of unpaid bills, there's a chance someone could call you on it
OSes Techie took five minutes to fix problem Adobe and Microsoft couldn't solve in two weeks This is why every admin loves to hate Windows
Personal Tech Revenge for being fired is best served profitably Why yes, I will help you again – for a price
OSes OS/2 expert channeled a higher power to dispel digital doom vortex 'He sat in a chair, rubbed his temple, and began to recite syntax as if performing magic'
Software Crack coder wasn't allowed to meet clients due to his other talent: Blisteringly inappropriate insults Then he stopped being a coding whiz, which is when the trouble started
Offbeat On Call’s Greatest Hits, as voted for by you, the readers The 20 most-commented-on tech support columns from On Call's first 500 instalments
Bootnotes Thank you, Reg Readers: On Call has turned 500! Started on a whim, almost a decade later it's a fixture – and a marvelous demonstration of your wit and wisdom
On-Prem Muppet broke the datacenter every day, in its own weighty way Mr Snuffleupagus turned out to be all too real and bad at database resilience
Patches To patch this server, we need to get someone drunk When maintenance windows are hard to open, a little lubrication helps
On-Prem A nice cup of tea rewired the datacenter and got things working again See? The world’s second best hot non-alcoholic beverage can fix anything
Software Workload written by student made millions, ran on unsupported hardware, with zero maintenance
Storage An IT emergency during a festive visit to the in-laws? So sorry, everyone, I need to step out for a while
On-Prem Don't lock the datacenter door, said the boss. The builders need access and what could possibly go wrong?
Security Boss installed software from behind the Iron Curtain, techies ended up Putin things back together
On-Prem Boss broke servers with a careless bit of keyboarding, leaving techies to sort it out late on a Sunday
Personal Tech IT manager's 'think outside the box' edict was, for once, not (only) a revolting cliché
On-Prem Hot, sweaty builders hosed a server – literally – leaving support with an all-night RAID repair job
