knesses. We’re not too concerned about others’ opinions of us.
When we accept our
flaws without judgment, our self-acceptance goes beyond self-esteem.
Impaired Self-Esteem
Impaired self-esteem negatively impacts our ability to manage adversity and life’s
disappointments. All of our relationships are affected, including our relationship with
ourselves. When our self-esteem is impaired, we feel insecure, compare ourselves to
others, and doubt and criticize ourselves. We neither recognize our worth, nor honor and
express our needs and wants. Instead, we may self-sacrifice, defer to others, or try to
control them and/or their feelings toward us to feel better about ourselves. For example,
we might people-please, manipulate, or devalue them, provoke jealousy, or restrict their
association with others. Consciously or unconsciously, we devalue ourselves, including
our positive skills and attributes, making us hyper-sensitive to criticism. We may also be
afraid to try new things, because we might fail.
Symptoms of Healthy and Impaired Self-Esteem
The following chart lists symptoms that reflect healthy vs. impaired self-esteem.
Remember that self-esteem varies on a continuum. It’s not black or white. You may
relate to some, but not all.
Healthy Self-Esteem Impaired Self-Esteem
Know you’re okay Feel not enough; always improving yourself
Know you have value and matter Lack self-worth and value; feel unimportant
Feel competent and confident Doubt self, feel incompetent, and afraid to risk
Like yourself Judge and dislike yourself
Exhibit honesty and integrity Please, hide, and agree with others
Trust yourself Indecisive, ask others’ opinions
Accept praise Deflect or distrust praise
Accept attention Avoid, dislike attention
Are self-responsible; honor self Discount feelings, wants, or needs
Have internal locus of control Need others’ guidance or approval
Self-efficacy to pursue goals Afraid to start and do things
Have self-respect Allow abuse; put others first
Have self-compassion Self-judgment, self-loathing
Happy for others good fortune Envy and compare yourself to others
Acceptance of others Judge others
Satisfied in relationships Unhappy in relationships
Assertive Defer to others, indirect and afraid to express yourself
Optimistic Feel anxious and pessimistic
Welcome feedback Defensive of real or perceived criticism
The Cause of Impaired Self-Esteem
Growing up in a dysfunctional family can lead to codependency as an adult. It also
weakens your self-esteem. Often you don’t have a voice. Your opinions and desires
aren’t taken seriously. Parents usually have low self-esteem and are unhappy with each
other. They themselves neither have nor model good relationship skills, including
cooperation, healthy boundaries, assertiveness, and conflict resolution. They may be
abusive, controlling, interfering, manipulative, indifferent, inconsistent, or just
preoccupied. Directly or indirectly, they may shame their children’s feelings and personal
traits, feelings, and needs. It’s not safe to be, to trust, and to express themselves.
Children feel insecure, anxious, and/or angry. As a result, they feel emotionally
abandoned and conclude that they are at fault — not good enough to be acceptable to
both parents. (They might still believe that they’re loved.) Eventually, they don’t like
themselves and feel inferior or inadequate. They grow up codependent with low self-
esteem and learn to hide their feelings, walk on eggshells, withdraw, and try to please or
become aggressive. This reflects how toxic shame becomes internalized.
Shame
Shame runs deeper than self-esteem. It’s a profoundly painful emotion rather than a
mental evaluation. Underlying toxic shame can lead to impaired or low self-esteem and
other negative thoughts and feelings. It’s not just that we lack confidence, but we might
believe that we’re bad, worthless, inferior, or unlovable. It creates feelings of false guilt
and fear and hopelessness, at times, and feeling irredeemable. Shame is a major cause
of depression and can lead to self-destructive behavior, eating disorders, addiction, and
aggression.
Shame causes shame anxiety about anticipating shame in the future, usually in the form
of rejection or judgment by other people. Shame anxiety makes it difficult to try new
things, have intimate relationships, be spontaneous, or take risks. Sometimes, we don’t
realize that it’s not others’ judgments or rejection we fear, but our failure to meet our own
unrealistic standards. We judge ourselves harshly for mistakes than others would. This
pattern is very self-destructive with perfectionists. Our self-judgment can paralyze us so
that we’re indecisive, because our internal critic will judge us no matter what we decide!
Relationships
Our relationship with ourselves provides a template for our relationships with others. It
impacts our relationship happiness. Self-esteem determines our communication style,
boundaries, and our ability to be intimate. Research indicates that a partner with healthy
self-esteem can positively influence his or her partner’s self-esteem, but also shows that
low self-esteem portends a negative outcome for the relationship. This can become a
self-reinforcing cycle of abandonment lowering self-esteem.
Impaired self-esteem hinders our ability to speak up about our wants and needs and
share vulnerable feelings. This compromises honesty and intimacy. As a result of
insecurity, shame, and impaired self-esteem as children, we may have developed an
attachment style that, to varying degrees, is anxious or avoidant and makes intimacy
challenging. We pursue or distance ourselves from our partner and are usually attracted
to someone who also has an insecure attachment style.
Generally, we allow others to treat us the manner in which we believe we deserve. When
we don’t respect and honor ourselves, we won’t expect to be treated with respect and
might accept abuse or withholding behavior. Similarly, we may give more than we
receive in our relationships and overdo at work. Our inner critic can be judgmental of
others, too. When we’re critical of our partner or highly defensive, it makes it difficult to
problem-solve. Insecure self-esteem can also make us suspicious, needy, or demanding
of our partner.
Raising Self-Esteem
Self-esteem is generally determined by our teens. Some of us struggle all our lives with
impaired self-esteem and even the resulting depression. But we can change and build
healthy self-esteem. Raising self-esteem means getting to know and love yourself —
building a relationship, as you would with a friend — and becoming your own best friend.
This takes attentive listening, quiet time, and commitment. The alternative is to be lost at
sea, continually trying to prove or improve yourself or win someone’s love, while never
feeling truly lovable or enough — like something is missing.
It’s difficult to get outside our own thoughts and beliefs to see ourselves from another
perspective. Therapy can help us change how we think, act, and what we believe.
Cognitive behavioral therapy has been shown to raise self-esteem. It’s more powerful
when combined with meditation that increases self-awareness. Some things you can do:
Recognize the Signs. Be able to spot clues that your self-esteem needs uplifting. Many
people think they have good self-esteem. They may be talented, beautiful, or successful, but still
lack self-esteem.
Root Out False Beliefs. Learn how to identify and deprogram false beliefs and behaviors
you want to change and those you want to implement.
Identify Cognitive Distortions. Impaired self-esteem can cause us to skew and distort
reality. Learn to identify and challenge your cognitive distortions.
Journal. Journaling has been shown to elevate mood and decrease depression. Keeping a
journal can also help you to monitor your interactions with others and your negative self-talk.
Heal Toxic Shame. If you believe you suffer from codependency and shame, learn more
about it and do the exercises in Conquering Shame and Codependency.
